April 7, 2012 in Anna's Process Blog
In this Self-Forgiveness I walk through the point of the fear of making a mistake and the fear I have experienced in being corrected/directed by another when having made a mistake. Through walking this writing, I realized a secret mind point of seeing what it exactly was I feared making a mistake – which in fact was in reverse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and go into and as an experience of anxiety and nervousness when a point is being directed towards me in which I am directed to correct myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my reaction of nervousness and anxiety of being directed by another to change/correct myself on memories of having been yelled at and corrected in perceiving myself as having done something wrong
I forgive myself that I, when my grandmother yelled at me when I played with her radio after she had told me not to, accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and go into an as an experience of shock, anxiety and nervousness and that I from that created an automated reaction, so that whenever another corrects me, I experience anxiety and nervousness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have done something wrong
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing something wrong
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept myself as wrong when I perceive myself as having done something wrong in making a mistake
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing something wrong, means that I am wrong
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to be directed/corrected by another, without accessing an experience of anxiety and nervousness
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that doing something wrong, does not mean that I, in my beingness am wrong
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into and as and create and manifest an energetic experience , when being corrected by another
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to correct others based on my belief that it is wrong to make mistakes and that making mistakes is wrong
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and others when one makes a mistake
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is unacceptable to make a mistake
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I make a mistake and do something wrong that I will be rejected excluded and exposed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am supposed to live and exist without making mistakes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having my self-image of being capable, responsible and good scattered through being exposed by another for/as/within making a mistake
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that every mistake can possibly be my last
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that all mistakes can possibly be the end of me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I make a mistake and if another exposes my mistake and corrects me, it means that I am not good enough, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that mistakes exist for me to correct myself and be grateful for the support of another in assisting me and supporting me to see where I have made a mistake so that I can simply correct myself accordingly
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that mistakes are not personal and as such not to be taken personally as that is seeing the mistake and myself in it in a separate relationship to and with myself as ego, where I from morality value and evaluate myself as either good or bad, right and wrong instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that mistakes are practical, physical events that are unaligned to what is best for all
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that a mistake is a practical miss-take, where I have missed what was required to be done, because I was not effectively Here in seeing all points and what is best for all and that as such the making of mistakes is me assisting myself in seeing where I require to correct and align myself to what is best for al
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist submitted, subjected and enslaved to fear of making mistakes
I forgive myself that I, in having accepted and allowed myself to exist submitted, subjected and enslaved to fear of making mistakes, have believed that I could avoid making mistakes and as such avoid experiencing the fear and as such avoid the consequences of making mistakes as I fear to be rejected, excluded and exposed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can and must control myself so as to not make mistakes and prevent myself from making mistakes, when in fact what I attempt controlling is preventing myself from feeling the experience of fear of making mistake and the consequential judgment of myself when I do make a mistake
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can and must control others from making mistakes, in the belief and judgment that it is wrong, bad and unacceptable to make mistakes, when in fact what I have attempted to control is avoiding my own fear and judgment of making mistakes and the consequential judgment of myself when making mistakes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through, within and as fear of making mistakes, in not allowing myself to direct myself and deliberately not act to prevent myself from experiencing fear of making mistakes and the consequential judgment of myself when making a mistake
I forgive myself that I have created, manifested and participated in and as a belief and judgment that it is wrong, bad and unacceptable to make mistakes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my fear of making mistakes and the subsequent experience of feeling bad on memories of my experience of myself in the past where I made a mistake and someone corrected me.
Current allocation/understanding of the word mistake. I experience an instant energetic reaction to the word “mistake” – I experience it as a “jump” within me in and as an experience of anxiety, like “oh no”. I can see in my participation in my own mistakes and others that I largely experience that mistakes are “unacceptable” – obviously “unacceptable” in others because I have accepted it as “unacceptable” for me to make mistakes. I have defined a mistake as doing something wrong in a judgment of myself and in an energetic experience of anxiety when it is pointed out to me that I have made a mistake. I connect making a mistake to having done something wrong and being “caught”.
n noun something which is not correct; an inaccuracy. Øan act or judgement that is misguided or wrong.
n verb (past mistook; past participle mistaken) be wrong about. Ø(mistake someone/thing for) wrongly identify someone or something as.
mistakable (also mistakeable) adjective
mistakably (also mistakeably) adverb
Middle English (as verb): from Old Norse mistaka ‘take in error’, probably influenced in sense by Old French mesprendre.
It is interesting that making a mistake can both be an action and a judgment call that is “misguided” and “wrong”. I can definitely also see that there within my relationship with the word mistake is an energetic reaction of judgment + anxiety towards the word “wrong” – so the “mistake” is the manifestation/exposure of the wrong. Thus there is an innate acceptance of myself as “wrong” and fearing to be exposed/caught as “wrong”. That is what is at “stake” – me being exposed as being “wrong” or “bad”. I experience myself in that context as waiting for that moment of making a mistake through which I will exposed – it is thus also why the experience of “getting caught” as in corrected by another is what scares me the most. So what it also means is that my trust and confidence in myself is unstable as I experience it can be exposed at any moment. I have experienced that being “good” and “right” is something unnatural for me that I strategically have learned and taught myself in order to function effectively in society – I have furthermore taken this point personally instead of seeing that there is no such thing as “right” and in believing there was and in not seeing myself as such, I have allowed myself to believe and accept myself as “wrong”. I have even perfected this to the point of being able to live most of the time in this self-constructed “rightness – LOL – I wrote “rightmess” - because that is what it is: the mess inside me of constantly having to fight myself to be “right” – learn the rules, play by the rules, do what others expect of me. I realize now that this is not personally and that many people must have experienced this in one way or another or at least recognizing the deliberate act of strategically molding oneself to fit in, while doing it based on a self-dishonesty. So it is my self-dishonesty I have feared being exposed within – because behind the self-dishonesty, is a being that has no moral. I am a being without moral – why? Because morality does not exist. Morality is a hoax. So – a missed-take is a moment where I did not effectively guard myself to act in secrecy as “who I really am” and thus risk getting caught and exposed. Another point is that there are also other types of mistakes, like knocking something down from a table. I have experienced the same reaction towards such a point, though here it is not about protecting my secret self, but about defining myself through judgment and morality as supposed to “move gracefully” for instance – and since spirituality and Desteni for example, supposed to move a certain way in the world that is not of harm for others and thus myself. So if I knock something off the table, I have acted carelessly and clumsy (and being in the mind) all of which is true. Because if I am here, constant, stable, considering all, I do not knock anything down. However – it is not a judgment point. So that is what I require purifying: the judgment and personal relationship towards making the mistake. What I can also see happens through this, is that I do not in fact see or correct the actual point, that I for example was participating in the mind and thus knocked a glass of the table – because all I am experiencing is judgment towards myself and fear as being exposed. This also mean that I have created an ideal-self and an expectation of myself to act in a certain way based on judgment, morality and ego. Ego in this case, is thus the “successful” manifestation of myself as a single personality that is able to function in society, be nice and caring and considering to others and that I have not wanted to let go of, because I have invested years in creating and perfecting this personality and because I fear losing my footing in society when/if I let it go. I “need” it – because without it, I am moral-less, a savage. So that is the “real me” that I have feared facing through the act of making a mistake and in the correction of others. So once again it is about survival, but it is about survival from the perspective of having to maintain a certain personality at all times that at any moment can crack and I will be exposed.
I redefine a “mistake” as a missed moment – within the consequential outflow as indicated in practical reality of a point being unaligned (the glass falling and breaking) through which I can see that I am mis-aligned and require re-aligning myself. Mistakes happen – yet I am responsible for the mistake. It is acceptable to make a mistake, because that moment/point was already unaligned which is why the mistake happen. What is thus not acceptable is to not correct/direct the mistake.
A mistake is the manifested consequence of a missed moment – In making a mistake I give myself the gift of seeing that a point within and as me is unaligned and the opportunity to correct and align myself to what is best for all.
Mistakes are manifested when I act or make a judgment call without taking all and everything into consideration. Through the manifestation of the mistake, I can thus bring the point back to myself and see what specific point I did not take into consideration and as such which point I separated myself from, within and as.
I realize that it is impossible to not make mistakes and that if I cannot accept the fact that mistakes are made, by myself or others, I cannot effectively direct myself to see what the background for the mistake is and thus correct it. By judging myself for making mistakes, I am allowing myself to continue to make mistakes because I am pushing myself, as the mistake away, saying “I want nothing to do with you.” – While in fact the mistake is a signal to myself that a point requires my immediate attention, because the mistake is a manifested consequence of a point being unaligned.
When and as I see that I have made a mistake, I stop, I breathe. I accept the fact that I have made the mistake and I look at the point the mistake is indicating that is unaligned – where I have not considered all and everything in that moment.