August 22, 2011 in Anna's Process Blog
Today I am giving myself the gift of a new beginning
I am letting go of Giving up.
I moved to a new country and today and last night I packed up my apartment and as I was cleaning the oven, I also got to clean the pan that the belonged in the oven. It was filled with old crusts and burned stuff from the food that had been cooked in it. I am not sure if it looked like that when I bought it about a month ago or whether it is the food I have cooked in it, that made it that dirty – but fact of the matter was that it was very dirty and I had not cleaned it since I had gotten the oven.
I started scrubbing the pan and had to put a lot of hand-muscle into it, It felt like I was getting nowhere and the entire pan was covered in crusts that were stuck and hard to scrape off – quickly thoughts started popping up of “well… I could just stop now.” – “perhaps it was not me who made it this dirty and therefore it is not my responsibility to clean it”.
As I was standing there with the choice of whether or not to clean the pan or leave it, I started looking at the pattern within this of how easily it is for me to give up on a point or on myself, if I find the task at hand too much or too painful.
I realized that I have basically created a pattern of giving up and more specifically, of allowing myself to give up, of justifying to myself giving up, of giving up within the justification that the task at hand is simply too impossible for me to complete. It was cool to see this in perspective, because I did in deed experience this towards this pan and looked at it as though it was an entirely impossible task and that I would never get it clean.
So in that moment, I decided to push through and stop this pattern and simply clean the pan. So I started scrubbing and I scrubbed and scrubbed – lol – until my fingers were stiff and aching. But the pan became clean and I did not stop until it was done. So I give up on giving up – I let go of giving up and I give myself the gift of starting over.