Self-Forgiveness on remaining Here

April 6, 2011 in Anna's Process Blog

I have not smoked since yesterday morning. This is how it has worked since I stopped last year, that every time I have gone to see my partner, I have stopped and started again after I came back to Denmark. This time the experience is not as horrendous as I have now done it several times before and know the experience some what “intimately”. I do however experience myself tired and slightly edgy/tending to become emotional.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to stop smoking based on fear of being rejected by my partner

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept this routine where I have stopped smoking “for my partner” and then started again “for myself”

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create, manifest and participate in a polarity between the idea that I am smoking for myself as a point of freedom, independence and self-control and that I am stopping for my partner as a compromise, fear and obligation – when in fact it is not so. How I have experienced it is that it has only been when being with my partner that I have pushed myself to stop and so I have also seen it as utilizing it to actually stop, for myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having created a relationship within and as the mind towards the physical action of smoking, where in I have defined myself in and as a personality entity of freedom, independence and self-control

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear gaining weight when stopping smoking

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use it as an excuse to continue smoking that I’ve feared gaining weight when I stop

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create an experience of resistance and blame towards my partner, in separation of myself here as the decision to stop smoking – for me – and within that having blamed my partner as compromising me, tying me down and forcing me to do something that I do not want to do, when in fact this is all happening within and as the mind – as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and experience myself in and as, in abdication of and separation from myself here

Today I want to sleep and I want to let go – yet there is so much that has to be done and I experience frustration within and as the experience of not being fully here – I experience myself somewhat doped down. I also experience shame and self-judgment towards this experience.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to want/need/desire to sleep

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to want/need/desire to sleep to escape facing myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create, manifest and experience tiredness as a justification and manipulation for me to sleep

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create, manifest and participate in a polarity experience between what and how I experience myself within and as and what I believe that I should be and do

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself for having created a polarity experience of being more than, who I experience myself as, when I have participated in thoughts of how much I have to do and then within doing so have pushed myself to the opposite polarity of feeling inferior to my own ideal of who and how I should be

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience, create, participate within and manifest an experience of shame and self-judgment projected towards others, wherein I have seen, judged and defined myself as shameful within and as my experience of “not being fully here”

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from my experience of being ashamed of myself and judging myself and within that having projected this experience onto others outside separate from me and thus have abdicated self-responsibility for who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself within and as

Today I want to sleep and I want to let go – yet there is so much that has to be done and I experience frustration within and as the experience of not being fully here – I experience myself somewhat doped down. I also experience shame and self-judgment towards this experience.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to not be fully here

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of not being fully here

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself for not being fully here

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that “being fully here” is a specific experience where I experience  myself a specific way and thus having limited my expression and experience of and as myself extensively

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that “being fully here” is not actual or in fact, because it is an idea as a belief that I have created within and as the mind, as a polarity ideal that I have compared myself to

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to expect myself to be fully here within and as an idea of what being fully here means

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to define being fully here as being comfortable and satisfied within and as me, participating in and as the physical

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to “be fully here” from a starting-point of ego, wherein transcending and stopping the mind has become a game of competition between me and others and within me and myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of and having judged myself for having made process a game of competition where all I have been focused on was to win and not to loose

As I am writing these words, I have been constantly looking at how others will see me when they read this, that I am not advanced enough, that I should have advanced more than I have, that there is something wrong with me because I am not more advanced

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to project my idea and belief onto others and within this blame others and holding others responsible for who and how I experience myself within and as

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to focus on how others see me and possibly judge me, instead of realizing that I am the one who has been judging me and instead of having taken self-responsibility for and within this, I have projected it onto someone, outside separate from me

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from myself as having seen and defined process as a game of competition, wherein I have been obsessed with winning and not losing

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear that I have not advanced enough within and as process

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of not having advanced enough in process

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that all my experiences of fear, self-judgment, shame and projection in relation to process  are coming from the one starting-point of having seen and defined process as a competition and because I have separated from that in shame and self-judgment, I have abdicated myself to it

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of still having and existing within and as an ego – instead of realizing that it is me as the ego that is ashamed of myself and that the ego is not something I have, but exactly who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become through having separated and abdicated myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge and ridicule others within and as the mind as back chat when they miss-spell or miss-speak a word – I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed and having judged myself for having felt superior to and spiteful against others when they miss-spell or miss-speak a word

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to blame my mother for being the one who has “made me spiteful” and judging towards others miss-spelling or miss-speaking words

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of myself when my mother ridicules and judges me for miss-speaking a word

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience anger and resentment when my mother ridicules and judges me for miss-speaking a word

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of having judged and ridiculed others for miss-spelling and miss-speaking words and within this having suppressed and separated myself from  having allowed myself to judge and ridiculed others for miss-speaking and miss-spelling words and thus abdicated self-responsibility for who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as

I am not satisfied with my application or how I have experienced myself. The back-chat has been quite extensive and I have experienced it difficult to stop. I often experience myself as non-directive, as I am merely following a projection within and as the mind. This is also one of the most prominent points of back chat, and I have experienced quite a lot of frustration towards it, because of having constantly separated myself from Here through creating and participating in these mind-realities and polarity-projections.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be unsatisfied with my application based on seeing, perceiving and defining myself from a starting-point of ego and self-judgment

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to be patient with myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself and feel self-pity if I am not satisfied with myself or my application, instead of simply stopping, breathing and focusing on correcting myself practically within and as the moment

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience myself as non-directive as though I am separate from my own experience and not responsible for it

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize and expose myself within self-honesty that either I am self-directive or I am not and if I am not, it means that I have abdicated myself to the mind – which is not acceptable

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use the experience of feeling and believing myself to be inferior to the mind, to abdicate myself to and as the mind in separation from myself Here as self-responsible for All that is Here

Within this I have also doubted myself quite a lot – because I have found it difficult to stop the back chat, I have allowed myself to doubt my participation – there was equally a couple of days where I did not apply Self-Forgiveness and I did not focus on Breathing – that meant that I was in a mind-reality, pulling myself forward through and with energy based on a justification that I made for myself of “keeping busy”  but as I am realizing over and over again, there is nothing that is as important as my Application within and as Standing up within and as myself.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to doubt myself and my application

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deliberately doubt myself and doubt my self-trust as  self-manipulation and self-sabotage – because I have within that, allowed myself to give up on myself, and give into excuses and justifications as arguing for my limitations

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself having allowed myself to abdicate myself to and within a mind-reality as back chat based on an excuse that I was doing important things that had to be done, when in fact I was distracting myself from facing and embracing myself here

I have used it as an excuse and justification and also a point of self-manipulation that I was participating with Desteni-relevant points, but actually I was deliberately distracting myself. I come to the same “door” every time as fear of being Here – which means that I fear feeling and experiencing myself as the physical without the mind.

I have created multiple constant diversion tactics that I’ve used to avoid simply facing myself – not in relation to any point or with any goal to do anything, simply facing myself. I am finding it increasingly difficult to sit down and read I have also experienced my memory getting worse and utilized this to push the point of self-doubt to the forefront.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use the excuse and for having deceived and manipulated myself with the excuse that I was doing important things that had priority over me facing and applying myself in self-honesty

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear being here

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear facing myself as self-judgment

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to realize that the judgment I have feared from others, was actually the self-judgment that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as and that I have suppressed and separated myself from out of fear

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to justify not stopping the mind, because of fear

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be ashamed of having justified not stopping the mind based on fear

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to doubt myself because of the experience of my memory decreasing

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and fear that my memory decreasing is a sign of weakness

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and fear that my memory decreasing is a sign of me deteriorating

But the way I see it at the moment is that the only point of relevance is to take self-responsibility. It also means that I am creating the self-doubt within and as a specific point of self-sabotage. Because it works – as soon as I started allowing myself to doubt myself ( as fear) I start “backing out of” the point that I had started pushing. And I am Here to Push all the points.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to deceive and manipulate myself through deliberately doubting myself as an excuse and justification for backing out and not facing myself within and as the points at hand

 

What I am finding for myself as the most important point is to be patient and stubborn within constant and continuously bring myself back Here – within and in relation to this, I experience so many excuses and arguments for limitation – no point in even mentioning these.

Because the Point is that I within One Moment, as One Breath – can Push myself to remain Here. Can stop the Back chat and Breathe through reactions. This is what I have done today in relation to the cigarettes – I have simply breathed when the urge came.

So what is further more is that I am not satisfied with being Directed whatever is directing me, Because it is not like it is sometimes one and sometimes the other, but in fact so that it is more or less the mind that directs through and as its mad logic manifested into and as personalities that I’ve, in the physical accepted as myself – while the actual Self-Direction, me Directing me, with eyes open, In Breath – is only within the moment, within these writings, within specific realizations. Some of these Back Chat personalities are nasty and there was specifically one situation where I had literally allowed myself to manipulate and deceive another because I was jealous of them – and I realized that this was not the first time I have done this. Other of the back chat personalities are all about being seen, noticed and about winning. But what I am not satisfied with – what is not acceptable is that and when “they” direct.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself for having allowed myself to participate within and as the mind as back chat – instead of supporting myself in the realization that I am in the process of standing up within stopping the mind and that it does not assist me to judge myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be directed by and as the mind and for having accepted being directed by and as the mind as “normal”, “natural” and “who I am”.

The point for me within this is to remain with what I am doing, to not project myself anywhere – to remain here, no matter what. When/if I experience that it is uncomfortable to remain here and I fear it – I don’t actually know how to push through it, except for putting my feet on the ground, not accepting the experience of fear and then simply continue what I was doing.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe that I don’t know how to stop and push through experiences and thoughts – and within that I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to diminish myself in and as self-deception, manipulation and sabotage to justify not pushing through and standing up within and as having accepted myself as inferior to the mind

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to judge myself and diminish myself a not knowing how to direct myself

I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Trust myself to Trust myself to Walk this Process

Another point that I have not been satisfied with, is my effectiveness. I had a couple of days where I got it all done – and I don’t know if it is because I am taking on a unrealistic amount of tasks at the moment – however I do not experience it this way. I simply experience it as being ineffective and un-diligent, having allowed myself to prioritize points that are irrelevant based on ego and personality.

For example when I am together with my partner, but also when I am alone. Last night we applied SF on fearing to lose conflict and friction within ourselves. This is what I have done as well – instead of simply remaining here. I would say that I often get confused about what is expression and what is running away from myself, but actually there is no confusion. And I experience it as quite uncomfortable to “move out of myself” when I speak and become this nervous personality.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist within and as a personality of and as nervousness

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to create and participate in an experience of confusion as a way to avoid facing myself in self-honesty

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to “move out of myself” through having participated within and as a personality instead of actually stopping up, slowing down and returning to self facing myself in and as self-honesty and self-support

I do not experience myself as grounded. What does it mean to be grounded? To be grounded is to be stable, here, aware in every breath, slowed down, diligent with every move I make – this I have not been and as I am writing this, I want to yawn and there are suddenly other things, like eating, that I experience a desire towards.

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire to be grounded

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire/want/need to be here, aware in every breath, slowed down, diligent with every move I make

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to separate myself from application as myself

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to within this having polarized application and thus separated myself from it by seeing application as something more than

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see, define and experience being grounded and applying myself as something that I have to live up to and that I experience myself as less than

I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to desire/want/need to suppress myself within and as my experience of and as myself instead of facing myself directly and immediately, pushing through all resistances

So grounded – that is my word for today. If I am not grounded, what am I? I experience myself as floating in the mind, not really here and also not completely sucked into and as the mind – but I am not satisfied existing in this “state of being”.

What I see is that I must deal with each moment as if it is an entire life, as if there is all the time in the world and all that matters is this one moment. I must be here to catch and stop all thoughts before they accumulate into experiences and I allow myself to participate in and experience myself as personalities – because they always start with fear and separation of myself here, so no matter what, I always have to return to that point.

I Allow myself to let of organization of time and to trust myself to do what I have to do

I allow myself to let go of time as something that I have used to hold myself enslaved within and as the mind

I Allow myself to Live Diligence and Perfection into and as Every Moment of Every Breath – without Rushing or projecting, simply Allowing myself to remain Here and do what has to be done within and as the Moment

I allow myself to remain Here, in Simplicity of and as Breath, without having to control, analyze or protect myself within, as or through the mind

I Push myself in every Moment to Slow down, to Breathe and to remain Here