February 20, 2011 in Anna's Process Blog
The following is a 3-day writing from the last 3 days, wherein I, even though I did Push myself to write, did not bring myself to a Point of Clarity within Self-Direction and Self-Honesty. I see how important it is to have a Clear starting-point to begin with when I sit down and begin writing. I have made a new schedule for myself that I have been working according to and it has been working quite well, except for the point of writing which is actually the most important point of all of them. I’ve divided the day into studying, working on self and working online + the practical day-to-day stuff of cleaning and eating as well as attending classes. Everyday except for today, I have postponed writing until the evening, but I can see that this is not gonna work – in fact, what I resist should be the first thing to do, to establish a base-line of Self-Honesty and Self-Direction. I do however enjoy to start the day with studying and to finish with the internet stuff and to not go back and forth between them, but instead finish one thing at the time. So what I require to re-establish myself within, is writing – is Self-Support in Self-Trust and Self-Honesty.
Yesterday I deleted something from my writings. It was the last section, where I, when I re-read what I had written, found myself to be overly dramatic – but after examining the actual reason as to why I deleted the section, I see two points: I feared a word, a sentence that I had written and I did not want to stand accountable for my words. My words were saying that I Dedicate myself to write Everyday, to pursue math classes and generally a statement of Self-Support. Fascinating how I in one Moment, rejected that as “irrelevant” and “overly dramatic”. I just so happens to be though, that I have made this Dedication, that I am starting math-classes as well and that I have Allowed myself to STOP and START A NEW. The words that I wrote that I reacted to with fear was: “End” which is fascinating in relation to the previous point of not wanting to show/share that I Dedicate myself to Ending and Starting A New. It is the end of a sugar-fest – I stopped smoking approximately three weeks ago – yet I have twice smoked first a puff on a cigarette and then a whole cigarette. The first time it was to spite myself – to say to myself that I cannot manage to stop smoking. I stopped anyway. The second time it was deliberately because I was experiencing anxiety and restlessness bordering on depression/apathy and giving up and so I wanted to see if it was a point of self-manipulation in relation to the cigarettes. Because I knew that if I smoked that cigarette and suddenly felt “fine”, that I had created the entire “show” to manipulate myself to start smoking again. But nothing happened and I experienced no reaction, except for a slight dizziness and a surprise as to how the cigarette tasted. So I am still stopping and it has not changed. I have however been eating loads of sugar and food, rationalized and justified due to a constant experience of restlessness, unsettledness and anxiety – but (obviously) it has not worked. Nothing has worked – the only thing that has worked has been Breathing. So now I am grapping the bull by the horns and I stopped eating sugar today. From this morning when I woke up, I changed my schedule and daily routine and it has been quite effective. I have been stable and not participated in much energetic which is very cool. I have divided my day so that I start with studying, finish that and do some internet work and then write before I have a chat with Viktor and then take a break before I go to sleep. It has not worked 100 % but I can see that this is an effective way to do it. I experienced much resistance to the reading and studying, mostly because I did not understand all of what I read. I will come back to this point – Note to Self. So I became tired and took several naps today, for which I have felt a bit guilty – at least it was not on my schedule to take naps. Then the internet work went fine, but when it was time for me to sit down and write – this writing Here – I have wanted to back out as much as I possibly could. It is quite odd really, because writing is one of the activities and expressions that I Enjoy Absolutely the most. So the Resistance is me as the Mind or the Mind as I have Allowed myself to exist, that is attempting to keep me from Facing and Ending myself as the Mind. I am Here Alone. This is the Gift that I have Given myself and that I am now unwrapping from within me: Aloneness. Managing being Alone has been cool, but Enjoying myself Alone has not been. I Realized the other day, which I also mentioned in the writing from yesterday, how everything is determined by “where” and/or as “who” I am “looking from”. For example that I cannot be Alone or that I can only be Alone. What is important for me now is to Stop all Illusions of Walking Process as “a All” that is an idea in the Mind, through which I have justified not Walking me, not Facing me, not Correcting me, not Actually getting to know me and so this is the Process – It is a consistent point of authenticity and from Here, I can Expand to the All. If I am not Clear as my own Starting-Point, then my Starting-Point will Fall, I as my Starting-Point will Fall as a pillar build on unsolid foundation. Being Alone is about Self-Intimacy. Being Alone is about Self-Trust. I Realized something about the conscious Mind: that it is simulating the Physical through images as vision and thoughts as sound and then I realized that emotion and feeling is simulating Physical Being and Touch – so much so that we have flipped everything around and experience the Physical as a passive vessel for the Mind. So Being Alone is also about WHO I am and not only about being alone in my apartment for example. Because if I am Allowing myself to project myself into the Mind, existing within thoughts about others, about the future or the past, I am not Here Alone. This whole point, including the restlessness that I have experienced since I stopped smoking as well as when I study, is a defense mechanism , a survive-as-the-mind-mechanism. If I am comfortable anywhere, alone, in any setting, situation, under any circumstances, then there is no reason for the Mind to exist. It has no jurisdiction anyway but this is the border I have been walking back and forth, as a lion seeing a Fence where there is no fence, but only my own reflection. So it is might own reflection or the wind-mills that I have been battling.
Day 2: waking up with a headache feeling despaired, so “afar away from process” because I have allowed myself to get lost within and as the mind. I see an essential point to this being laziness and unwillingness to change, to push through – I have seen this as deadly sins, which in a way it is too, but I have judged it and I have kept it secret, kept myself secret as it. So it has been situations where I see where to do, I for example realize something about myself and then instead of sitting down and writing immediately, I have postponed and procrastinated the point, actually believing myself to be better than that. This is another read thread that I see in relation to what I wrote about yesterday in terms of my studies. I have always wanted to have it easy, dreaded when there was something that I did not know how to do and then simply kept away from it and now I have to work hard and push myself. There is no more to gain from faking it + I see that I have been faking it and then things that I have not faked, I have diminished and ignored within myself, the real value, the real expression – because it is fascinatingly enough not dependent on anyone else, not about surviving, not about ego or energy or relationships, but simply about me enjoying myself Here, within and as the Physical. It is really so simple and only the Mind makes it complicated, complicates itself, me complicating myself. I saw what I was doing/Participating within and as, was unacceptable and then I took it personally, instead of stopping up – taking it personally basically meant that I Accepted it as a backwards logic of the mind. Basically the whole thing originated from me having to do something that I, as the Mind, did not want to do – and my “will-power” as the Mind, has been so strong that I have been willing to go to hell to get my way or put another way, I have Allowed the Mind to exert itself in such a way that it acted as my Will-Power – because the proof is in the actions I took and who I was when I took these actions. Therefore what I see I must investigate, is this point of when there is something that I do not want to do, because within this point is a specific personality that I have gone into and started/accepted a Mind-Possession from.
This writing is not going the way I planned. It has been scattered, unfocused and unclear and I have resisted it every step of the way – and if I resist writing myself out, I resist Facing myself and being Self-Honest with myself. My demon-possession is to be incapacitated or incapacitating myself. At the moment I do not Trust myself and I see that this is due to a combination of how I have seen myself/life/existence and how I accordingly have lived. I experience much resistance to writing this point out, specifically in seeing that I should not experience myself this way – “I should be Clear”. I should Trust myself. Everything seen/experienced from within and as the Mind (believed to be who I am)- Everything seen/experienced in and as Separation as the Mind, as personality “a me” in relation to “others” all with the purpose of being and getting Energized. Within and from this starting-point, I have existed in a polarity of either blustering myself or isolating and hiding myself. What I see when I look at myself is layers of Self-Dishonesty created as smoke-screens to keep myself from facing myself, one of these smoke screens being the reaction to seeing myself as Self-Dishonesty. I am Here to Clear the fog. I am Here to bring it back to myself, to bring myself back to Reality. I experience a desire to give up on myself – because I experience myself unclear. I experience shame that I have allowed myself to be and become this way. I have sought “solutions” in addictions, in energy and in hiding within and as the mind and now I Stand Face to Face with myself as that unclarity. How can I bring myself to Clarity? How can I bring Clarity to myself? At the moment my focus is shallow, in ego, as personality of and as the mind on how this will be received, shame, self-judgment and embarrassment that “this” is “who I am”. At the same time, none of this is important at all, except for as means of clearing myself out – however it is imperative to get back to a point of Self as Starting-Point. I experience fear, shame and frustration about “who I am”. Fascinating that this is the focus, because it is clearly revealing itself to be a starting-point of personality, self-interest and ego – fear of how others will see me, fear of being rejected from life, from the group, from the relationship. All consumed with being accepted by the others. At the moment I do not experience clarity in terms of writing so that I am not writing in and as the mind. How about focusing on what IS relevant? That I am Here – That I Breathe and to bring myself to a stance of Self-Trust and Clarity. So – I have lack of Self-Trust in a circular loop of justification of self-sabotage, proving that I cannot trust myself/be trusted. This is the first Point of Stopping and saying “till Here, no further”. What this Point requires is very clear: Self-Discipline and Pushing through, not Accepting Resistances. The more I Push through Resistances, the less I Resist and the more I Accept myself to Resist, the stronger I experience and accept the Resistance. So point 1 is: Walking to Self-Trust. Point 2 is: Blustering. This is related to speaking up before I have Actually Walked the Walk and is to be Directed through Diligence and Humbleness towards Clarifying for myself what it actually is that we and I am doing. I am not Participating in some Reality show where it is a game of who get’s voted off the island. But this is how I have experienced myself and through the pride of ego, I have refused to admit, expose and clear this off myself, which is why I have allowed it to Direct me. Point 3 is: energized. Since I stopped smoking, I have experienced myself restless and unsettled and I have used all kinds of excuses – instead of sitting my ass down, writing myself out to clarity and stopping the energy through Breath and Self-Honesty. Here I require myself to apply Common Sense. I see how I have feared losing the energy, how this until now has been the major point of possession for me and how this is one of the single most important points for me to sort out. What does this mean? It means that if I Allow myself to exist as less than energy, I am basically accepting myself as open for possession at any time. This requires very Clear Self-Direction, where I immediately Stop and Investigate when something is going on, because I have seen, experienced and lived full on possession and it is easy to get lost in. this whole existence is absurd: we are Here, Clear as daylight in and as the Physical – yet we lose ourselves in and as the Mind and walk around believing the Mind to be real. I know this first hand, I have experienced and existed as this first hand – even knowing what I was doing and still doing it, still living it, still even wanting to live and exist within, as and from the mind, even though Reality, Clear as daylight or dark as night, is right Here. And I know what this requires of me.
1. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to fear what I have allowed myself to become in and as the mind as personality and energy possession
2. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and accept myself as lost within and as the mind
3. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience relief within and as giving up
4. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself as the mind
5. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept myself as addicted to, dependent on and as a slave to energy
6. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and fear that I cannot exist and live without energy
7. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to experience shame, embarrassment and self-judgment towards what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and for having used this experience as an excuse and justification for not exposing and facing myself and thus changing and correcting myself
8. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to trap myself within a desire to be seen a certain way by others and within and through this desire having only allowed myself to show and expose that of myself that I judged as “acceptable” and having hidden that of myself which I judged as “unacceptable”, thus having used the desire to be seen a certain way by others as an excuse and justification for not exposing and facing myself
9. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe, fear and accept that I cannot be trusted and that I cannot trust myself and I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to use this as an excuse and justification for giving up, for giving in, for being self-dishonest, for hiding and for not facing and correcting myself
10. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to lose myself and get lost within fear, energy and personality and for within this not Directing myself to stop and see and realize that the experience is not real and that I am responsible for having created it myself and therefore that I am responsible for and capable of stopping and correcting myself
11. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to be and become possessed with and as personality as fear, energy and ego
12. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to believe and accept myself as personality as fear, energy and ego
13. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to see and experience myself as personality as fear, energy and ego only and for not having allowed myself to Stop and see what I was doing
14. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accumulate the desire to give up to the point where I have allowed myself to accept myself giving up
15. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to exist within and as self-sabotage as self-abuse and self-dishonesty and self-suppression
16. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to accept that it is too late and thus having allowed myself to give up
17. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Realize that the only way I have been able to justify giving up, is because I have allowed myself to exist within and as a starting-point of and as personality of and as the mind, within, as and from fear, energy and ego
18. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to trust myself to walk in Self-Honesty
19. I Forgive myself that I have Accepted and Allowed myself to resist writing myself out in Self-Honesty
20. I Forgive myself that I have not Accepted and Allowed myself to Push through the Resistance and instead having accepted the Resistance as Valid and justified