February 17, 2011 in Anna's Process Blog
It is not only spouses that abuse each other or parents abusing children. Abuse starts with Self abusing Self, just like in relationships, only we play all the parts in our own drama. Why? I started asking myself this, in and after a period of Self-Abuse. If I had been with someone else and had said the things to them that I have said to myself in the Mind as thoughts, they could have rightfully pressed charges against me for Domestic Abuse. But when it is ourselves doing it to ourselves, privately, secretively, there are no convictions or prosecutions or even consequences – unless or until we snap completely or give up entirely – all the while we are the one’s doing it to ourselves.
This writing is about how I have been addicted to hating myself. It is not an article about how you can stop hating yourself with tips and affirmations and if you find Support in it, it is on you. Then you have Supported you – I am writing to Support myself. I see that the purpose for me writing this is to realize that the experience of hating myself is not real – that it is a mechanism without any real purpose or reason. For the mind this is hard to understand – I have been stuck trying to understand why I hate myself, why I want to give up – and I end up asking myself: is this even relevant? So fascinatingly enough the topic of this writing is not that I hate myself or how or why, but specifically how I have been addicted to hating myself – because within in this lies the key to how I have used self-hate, how I have allowed myself to be enslaved to self-hate, the emptiness of self-hate and ultimately: how to stop the a-mazement I have created for myself revolving around self-hate. The equating formula is quite simply: I see that I am doing it to myself, that the solution is for me to stop myself and then I hate, blame and judge myself for not stopping, for not taking Self-Responsibility. This is the lock that I place myself into that creates a closed cycle through which it becomes a time-loop. I still don’t understand why I would want to give up – why I have allowed myself to do this, but I am no longer sure if there even is an answer and if there is, if it is even relevant for me to understand. The experience is double sided, like a domestic abuser and a victim that believes they deserve it or even tease the abuser to hit. When I have taken a hit, I allow myself to check out, to lick my wounds and pity myself and sometimes this seems to be the entire point – that it is the only point, where I can “relax”, experience “comfort” and “take care” of myself – again: similar to an abused saying: “he is doing it because he loves me”.
I have looked in my past for the incentive to this addiction, but I have not found it – however it is clear to me that there is a direct line to my mother whom I have seen doing exactly the same, though not so directly – because what I have seen is how she has become this point. This is “perfect” because every time I Face myself, there is something more to blame, to hate, to judge and when I am “in” this experience, I experience it as though it is an objective truth about me. Then yesterday I realized that it was a viewpoint, even a religious viewpoint because I was consumed with whether or not I am good or bad, that was my whole world-view, everything being about me and whether or not I am good or bad. So – how am i addicted to hating myself? First Point that comes up is glimpses of situations, in conversations with others or alone, where I’ve had an “out”, meaning where Support was there for me to Stop and Support myself, but where I choose to “remain”. Another point is how I have known that I have used this mechanism against myself and still gotten caught in it, precisely as an addict not caring about whether or not their addictions kills them. Even right now, I have to stop myself every time I Realize something about myself, because it is automatic to judge and blame and from there give up and give in. The Solution to this, right now is simply to stop these thoughts and reactions. I do not have an alternative or logic to give them at the moment. So the addiction to hating myself is a mechanism with which I can allow myself to do that which I consider “evil” and/or “bad” and to give up because within the self-hate I have already given up or I am already given up on. What is fascinating is that this time-loop actually started with me deciding to Support myself and Love myself. I was writing about this and when the time came to Actually Change, I bailed out. The same happened in relation to Self-Discipline and doing things that was out of my “want” zone or believed capability zone. So through the self-hate, I have made it legal to give up. Even now, I don’t experience a will to Walk – so this is my Will to Walk – this writing, this action of doing, this in every Breath stopping the desire to go back to giving up. So Self-Support is the cold turkey, is the rehabilitation of myself. Bringing myself Home to myself – and that is why everything in me screams for me to stop, to not write, to not make vlogs, to not speak with anyone, to not Breathe or stop my thoughts. I do however also experience something entirely different – and that is that this “situation” is giving me an opportunity to change – giving me an opportunity to Walk Process differently – because this is a point of Humbleness. Maybe it is dramatic and I will dig myself out later, but what I experience is that I have nothing left than myself – my old sorry self. No big missions to save the world and what I also see is that it is very important that I do not start Walking and then walk straight into the ego high on energy but exactly to actually Walk Real Time Here – for myself, in Real Self-Support. It gives me an opportunity to walk with myself as the Starting-Point. Truly I have nothing to lose. So – how the addiction have been “playing out” is that I have done something that I, within the Mind have judged as bad, had the desire to do, thought about and then done and then judged myself for it. It reminds me of the “logic” of Christianity where God creates a world with the possibility of humans sinning or the existence of Satan for then to reject the humans and demand that they repent to him and crawl home begging for his forgiveness and mercy. It started with a small mistake, which simply was that I postponed, made an excuse, resisted and/or were self-dishonest and instead of facing myself and correcting myself in the moment , I turned it against myself, used it against myself, reacted emotionally to the thoughts and then started giving up. It has been consistent with a point of having to Push through, of acting out of the comfort-zone of what I “like” and “want” and then flipping within the experience of “comfort” and “self-care” as self-abuse and self-suppression. This is a behavior I know from my mother and which I started participating with when I was around 10. I am realizing the consistency here within the “logic” of the pathology of this behavior, because this was how I “protected” myself, “saved” myself, “cared” for myself, “enjoyed” myself, “loved” myself. I experienced myself powerless and before this I had a depression and then self-hate started. I had also given up on the world, on anyone helping me or saving me, going from having been physical to being withdrawn. The behavior is exactly the same : eat and watch TV, later smoking and having sex. I felt free when I watched TV. I felt save and comforted. And I have kept this experience, without considering that I was experiencing this as a reaction to the situation that I experienced myself in – it was not real comfort or self-care. What I have re-created is the emotional experience and what I have used. Then the starting-point was that I had given up – not the purpose is for me to give up, I have used this to give up on myself. My Process starts anew – I start my process anew, because I start from the beginning Here, applying the tools for myself. I am not doing it because that is what I want – what I want is to be a hero that saves the world, to be perfect and all-capable. At the moment what I have is this: myself. This Starting-Point: this writing, this self-forgiveness, this Breath – no illusions or glorifications. I want to, but I simply cannot glorify anymore. This is all I got: myself as a Starting-Point. I am the same as everyone else. I want to go to sleep, I want to watch Tv, I don’t want to be Here. But there is nothing I can do. I don’t understood how we got Here, why or who we are – but there is nothing I can do about it: we are Here. And I know that it is time to stop Creating and Existing in and as copies of copies of copies. My decision is simplicity – I feel like it should be about saving the world – about suffering and being a hero. But that would not be Self-Honest, at least not in this moment. And either way: I have to start with myself.