March 11, 2010 in Anna's Process Blog
My change in lifestyle aka ‘The Diet’ ( means a way of Life in Latin) is not only about not smoking and eating differently. It is about changing myself and my body, from having existed in self-abuse and self-negligence to actually begin expressing and appreciating myself. The Abuse that Exists in this world, the Negligence that Exist in this world, the Inconsideration that Exist in this World – is the same Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration that have Existed in me. And as I clearly See and Understand that it is not an Acceptable way of Living, when I look at the World and the outflow of this Acceptance – I have had difficulty in applying it in/for and as myself. And therefore I have also not been able to Support anyone else, let alone Stand up from within it – because I was still Living it. I was still Accepting Self-Abuse, Negligence and Inconsideration as a ‘Way of Life’, in the World as in myself. Therefore this Process is not about losing weight, becoming skinny, pretty, attractive or to gain recognition from someone else. Unfortunately I still see the signs of it in me, (as I have judged it, instead of recognizing it for what it is) as I look into the mirror and enjoyed the fact that I have lost weight or when others comment on it. But I also know that if that was the only reason, I would not be able to do it for long – It would be conditioned and I would not be doing it for me, thus it would just be another way of Abusing myself. But these elements are still ‘there’ – the self-abuse that I have existed within and as, is still there. It is not like just because I made the decision to Stand up – that it is automatically going to happen and I can lean back and enjoy the ride. No – This is something, where I have to watch my every step. There are lots of possible blind spots, where I can dilute myself into Self-Abuse again, and as I have found, it is a matter of consistently, stubbornly and gently to push myself every time it happens. Instead of judging myself, when I fail, lie or make mistakes – I can push myself to Correct and Stand. Because I have made the decision. And I am doing this for me. Because I have never ever done anything for myself in my entire life. And yet, as always, it is all in reverse. Everything I have done and participated within, has been from a starting-point of getting others to see me, to notice me, to appreciate me and accept me. That is Self-Interest. That is being diluted and lost in my own bubble of perceived and self-Accepted inferiority – where all I care about is the energy of someone looking at me, smiling, complimenting me. And everything I do is like an addict hungry for a fix, to get that dose of energy. This is also something that I have not completely stopped. But I see it when it happens and most times I go: “damn, I did it again.” – But I have Realized that it requires my dedication and consistency to ‘make it stop’ – just as it required my active participation in ‘making it start’ – Because I am that which is invested in this mess.
This is how we become Living Examples – We Walk, One Step at the Time. But it cannot be done in dishonesty – we will know it. Living means actually changing Everything, not as an idea or a theory or a wish – but an Active, Actual Change. To do this, it has been extremely assisting for me to have a Physical ‘Marker’ as for example shaving, not smoking, eating, drinking, having sex etc. Because it is in those moments that we see who we are – How do we Act? How do we Respond? What makes us React? And then We Change – and next time it happens, we Change again… until there is nothing left and we are Simply Here.