November 22, 2009 in Anna's Process Blog
How this has manifested within beliefs/ideas and definitions of myself:
Diminishing myself deliberately to avoid facing myself as “the monster” of this world – Realizing that I have not forgiven myself for what I/we have done.
Accepting myself as inferior – as a “safe” place (moral behavior : “Be nice”)
Hiding myself as Superior – as a “dangerous” place (moral behavior: “Do not get angry”)
The point of conflict:
Standing deliberately within and as “power” would mean that I have to face myself as all that have been done deliberately with “power” and give up my experience of myself as “powerless” in which I can remain “a victim” instead of a villain
Expecting myself to be “a monster” of Self-Interest and Denial – Suppression
Creating the “agreeable” “non-conflicting” persona to contain and hide from myself as the definition of “the monster”.
Not allowed to be angry, powerful, Directive – This causes exclusion and Shame of who I am – Controlling Self-Expression
How I have never really faced myself as anger – created a polarity of “monster/victim” – “power/powerless”
Accepting myself as victim and powerless in and as a Self-Deception of not being willing to face myself within myself as “monster” and “power” – Not forgiving and letting go.
Trying to prevent being “a monster” instead of Realizing that I already am – and forgive and let go within walking the actual Change
How I am showing me to me in my actual experiences:
Working with a horse –
I have had the experience of fear of Tyson and when looking into it, I see a point of fearing (experiencing myself as inferior) to his innocence as nature as defined as unpredictable/uncontrollable in which I fear a point of “violence” manifested as thoughts within fear that he will bite me.
So what I am showing myself with this, is that I fear myself as Innocence as nature as being unpredictable and uncontrollable and that I have manifested a fear of myself as “violent” within that.
“violence” as deliberately causing harm – a uncontrolled expression of my “nature” which I “have to” Suppress, contain and control to prevent myself from expressing myself “violently”. That I “have to” be predictable to myself, which means monitoring and censoring myself in every moment – applying and placing myself accordingly as “predictable”
What is interesting within this is for one the point of this being connected to “violence” that I some how have related to “innocence” and “innocence” as being “unpredictable” and “uncontrollable”
Why is that?
It is because an Innocent Expression is without thought – without motives or strategies – and specifically without “morality”
Another point is that I within submitting myself to and existing from and within this belief actually allow myself to do what I fear – being “violent” or harmful.
Because of the Suppression I do not actually see myself and it is thus not a point of actual Self-Control within and as Self-Direction but a “control” through Suppression which will inevitably create a pressure and thus the risk of “explosion” or “combustion”
What I see is that I have a belief that I as Innocent Self-Expression is “violent”/”dangerous” specifically experienced through being “unpredictable” and “uncontrolled”.
Based on experiences as a child that I have defined and conditioned myself according to:
I have looked at this before, with regards to my experience as a child where I experienced that I mother feared me if I expressed anger and rage. She would start Crying for example and I would fear myself as well as feeling ashamed of myself but also within an experience of and as “powerlessness” from experiencing that she was manipulating and controlling me through this “vulnerability”.
In my experience, my mother has always been afraid of me. I have always been afraid of me.
Of what I was capable of doing. Of not having any moral boundaries and therefore being “unpredictable” and “uncontrollable”
These moments of anger and rage that I am talking about is not the “fits” that Children have but moments where I would simply “explode” in anger: It is interesting because in this moment, I cannot recall a specific episode where this happened. I do remember my mother saying “Don´t do this to me” – “You are hurting me” – “I don´t like this” – “stop I don’t want to hear it” – “you are scaring me”.
I remember it as being in situations where I confronted her about something. I remember this experience of standing Stable within myself, within the anger, expressing exactly and clearly what I wanted to say but then when she reacted and started crying and being afraid, I would either get even more angry, feeling desperate or simply start fearing/hating/judging myself extensively for “doing this to her” – yet it was a point of conflict within me, because I had expressed myself Self-Honestly.
A memory pops up -. I was around three or four and I had hidden in a closet. I called my mother as a joke and said that I was injured. She came storming and when she found out that I was not injured, she said; “Don´t do that again – you are scaring me”. I remember experiencing this conflict because I actually found it stupid that she got scared and at the same time, I was shocked and ashamed.
It has always been this experience that I could destroy my mother if I wanted to – that I could break her and fearing myself within that.
So it is Innocence as Expression of me Here – that I through these experiences within which I identified with my mothers reaction have Separated myself from myself.
“I am not allowed to get angry”
“I am an evil person”
“I hurt people”
“I am dangerous”
“I am too much”
“I have to control and Suppress myself to not hurt other people”.
This has also manifested in the opposite where I will experience fear and resistance if others are expressing anger.
I have designed/programmed myself to be predictable and calculating and strategic within applying morality and “respect” towards others because I believe myself to be “immoral”
The bigger picture:
What I have not seen within this is that everyone is immoral – and that the morality we apply is a tool for control and suppression so that we do not face ourselves as who we really are – first of all within the very nature of what we have done and become within the Human not-kind as being deliberately violent and harmful – thus applying “morality” to subdue and suppress that – as well as denying ourselves as Innocence – so that which in fact is Innocent becomes “dangerous” and “unpredictable” because within that –lies the truth about who we really are. Natural sexual Expression becomes “dirty” and is only acceptable under the covers – where we then let our Suppressions out in a now twisted and nasty manner – because of this belief.
We conquer the wild beasts and cage them in “beautiful morally justifiable” settings – where we can look at wild nature from a distance – where in we have power over them to prove our own control towards nature – that is actually who we are.
We do the same to
ourselves. Confine ourselves in cages and boxes that we call homes and jobs and busses and relationships and religions where we sit and look at each other, at nature from a distance in a box – neatly placed so that we do not actually get dirty and smell the shit.
And so we create polarities with “good and evil” – with “heroes and villains” – “saints and sinners” with which we entertain ourselves to remain confined.
We only focus on what is good – because we do not want to face what is bad.
This is why we often see priests and supposedly “good moral citizens” commit the most nasty and devious crimes’
What has really assisted me with this was this dream I had recently where I was Standing with Bernard and some other people. There was a woman who was “not real” – she was made up from spare-parts of stuff and I specifically remember her eyes was made of threads of vinyl that made her look like she had liquorish-eyes. She was abusing herself and others because she wanted to be real. I Directed her within an expression of anger as certainty as I realized that she was not able to help herself. I started pushing her to provoke her to get out of her “made-up-body” by saying exactly what she feared; “you´re not real” – “you will never be real” and stuff like that. I kept shouting and shouting until she in one Moment took a deep Breath, like she finally made the decision. I stood stable in front of her, prepared that she would “leave the body”. Right when she came out of the body, Bernard stepped in front of me and took her in his body and released her.
What I experienced in this dream was a Directive anger that was similar to when I was a child, where you simply do what is necessary to be done to Assist and Support, where sometimes what is needed is to express “anger” or “certainty”.
What I have found is that when I do the opposite and control, suppress and contain myself with a specific definition within a “moral-codex” is actually when I am causing harm, also because it creates the polarity-point of being secret and hiding what I actually experience and thus not Directing myself from a point of certainty – that I will do what is necessary to be done, whatever it takes in the Moment – allowing myself to be unpredictable – not holding back.