The Volatility of Energetic/Emotional Experiences of Value

Recently I had quite an interesting insight about the way that I defined my own value. I was busy wo

Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt.3 – DAY 307

In this post I am continuing with investigating and changing my relationship to suppression and how

Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt. 2 – DAY 306

I am here continuing with investigating suppression and how I’ve used suppressions as a coping/esc

 

The Volatility of Energetic/Emotional Experiences of Value

July 28, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Realizing Your Self Worth The Volatility of Energetic/Emotional Experiences of ValueRecently I had quite an interesting insight about the way that I defined my own value. I was busy working with a group of people and I noticed myself going into an energetic experience of anticipation towards them applauding or being impressed with what I was saying. As I later investigated the experience through self-forgiveness I realized that I had defined my value as an energetic experience, meaning: when someone applauded me or said something complimentary about me, I would create an experience of being valuable within myself. If they then did not applaud me or if they would criticize me, I would create an experience within me of being without value and/or being worth-less. As I started investigating the point of valuing myself I realized that I had defined value as an experience and then to gain value, I would have to seek out the experience of feeling valuable which I had attached/associated to others for example applauding me. I would then have to be strategic about what to say and how to say it in order to hopefully, maybe impress others to then applaud me. What this would mean is that I would compromise my expression, I would go into competition with others, I would speak only to get that energetic experience of feeling valuable and I would most certainly not listen to others, support them or be interested in what they had to say. I realize how it is similar with other points, in how I have perceived/interpreted them based on energetic experiences – examples could be having an experience of confidence instead of actually living confidence as an expression of myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe and define my value as an energetic experience of feeling valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as valuable only when others explicitly show or say that I am valuable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an addiction towards the energetic experience of feeling valuable that I generate within myself when others compliment me or when I perceive them as being impressed with me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the energetic experience of feeling valuable that I generate within myself when others compliment me or when I perceive them as being impressed with me, is not something that they are creating within me – but that I am creating within myself based on a belief that my value is derived from others recognizing value within and as me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately speak and write and do things in order to get others to compliment me or be impressed with me, so that I can generate an experience of feeling valuable and thereby believing that I have value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of excitement and euphoria when others compliment me or applaud me where I get high on the experience of feeling valuable, for a moment perceiving, defining and believing myself to be valuable – until the energy wears off and I again have to go chasing the experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to equate others indicating/recognizing me as valuable with being valuable and thus that I have made my value depending on an experience and on others recognizing my value, completely separating value from myself as something that I create and that exists within me unconditionally

I forgive myself that I, because of the relationship of separation of value from myself that I have created, have created a want/need/desire within me to seek out other people’s approval/recognition/validation, where I do and say things – not because of a natural expression of myself, but strategically to gain value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel devalued and worthless if others criticize me, where I go into an experience of shame, self-judgment, self-blame and depression because I believe and have accepted that my value is something entirely volatile that can be given to me or taken away from me in an instance – where even though it changes from one moment to the next I believe it to be defining the totality of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately go into competition with others because of my addition towards creating an energetic experience of feeling valuable based on being complimented by others, where I try and be better than others so that I can maximize my experience of feeling valuable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when speaking to others, not listen to them or be here with them, because my mind is preoccupied with what I can say so as to get them to value me so that I can get my energetic fix of feeling valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my physical body through trying to impress others and get them to compliment me so that I can experience myself as valuable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be willing to compromise myself and to cross my own self-honest and physical boundaries just so that I could create an experience of feeling valuable based on others complimenting me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent to which I’ve compromised and enslaved myself based on the addiction I’ve created towards generating an experience of feeling valuable when others compliment me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and desperate when people would not applaud/compliment me in spite of my advances for them to do so, not realizing how people pick up on the fact that I am not genuine or authentic in my expression and that I am desperate and therefore may or might create a resistance/resentment towards me because they sense that I want something from them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an innate belief/assumption that ‘who I am’ must be felt – such as feeling confident or feeling valuable and that if I don’t feel it, then I am not it – when in fact real confidence or value is something that I can only live as an expression of myself as actually becoming/living the word/virtue

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a constant state of trying to prove my value to others – thus making value something entirely volatile that can change from one moment to the next, instead of being a constant, stable and real expression of who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how – the more I look for value outside of myself, in others, the more I actually separate myself from the value of myself here through being preoccupied with value as being something that I don’t have and that I have to gain from a starting-point of ‘lack’ and self-interest, not realizing that the only place that I can find and develop value is within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive and accept it as physiologically impossible for me to value myself without being validated by others, like that option simply does not exist within me – because I inherently see myself as not having value – or rather: do not understand what value is because all I’ve ever known it as has been an energetic experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider how value is the extent to which I am beneficial or useful to existence/the world/myself as a practical measurement of my movement and impact, not as any energetic experience or feeling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider or understand that self-value is thus the understanding and recognition of my own usefulness, both within real-time application and as a potential of who/what I can become i.e. what I make of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how, when I allow myself to chase an energetic experience of feeling valuable, I am actually ironically devaluing myself, because I am not making practical use of myself to the utmost of my potential – but am instead valuing (making use of) only myself in/as the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how value is simply a measurement of usefulness in terms of how beneficial something or someone is, but also within this how value is in essence a construct and not something that defines me as more or less in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how in an optimal world, value wouldn’t even be relevant because everything and everyone would be living according to their utmost potential and as such there would be no need to value/devalue anything or anyone as measured against one another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must value myself, that self-value is an important part of the process of walking out of the mind, when in fact I realize that when I appreciate myself here, when I recognize my own actions and the impact they have in self-honesty, there is no need to measure myself based on a construct of value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hold onto value as an energetic experience of feeling ‘more than’ in comparison to an experience of feeling ‘less than’ as an energetic high through which I can feel that I have a purpose in this world

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to experience an ‘urge’ as a movement within me of energy to speak/act from a starting-point of wanting to impress others or prove myself to others – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to the stability of myself. I clear myself and speak when I am clear in my expression, that I am not expressing myself to ‘get something’ but simply as an expression of how I am in that moment or as a point of practicality where I see that it is supportive to speak/act in a certain way.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react when others compliment me or when I perceive that they are impressed with me, where I see that I experience myself energetically high I stop. I breathe and stabilize myself here.

I realize that I’ve separated myself from value as myself which is in essence simply the recognition of myself here, where I don’t have to either value or devalue myself. I realize that I’ve made myself addicted to an energetic experience of feeling valuable based on feeling validated by others through their compliments or my perception of them being impressed with me and that this is inherently linked then also to an experience of myself as being worthless/unvalued. I realize that value is simply a form of measurement and that I don’t actually need to value or devalue myself – because I can live and exist here in an recognition of myself and my potential in self-honesty.

Something interesting that I am seeing is that in Danish the word/sounding of the word value is like ‘Being-I’ where ‘being’ is a verb, so ‘value’ in that context is simply the recognition and living of who I am and I realize that the word ‘value’ in itself as a measurement is only relevant in the context then of not knowing/recognizing/being self-honest about self and thereby having to measure self.

I commit myself to stop the addiction I’ve accepted within and as myself to the energetic experience of feeling valuable/devalued. I commit myself to stop looking for value inside and outside of myself. I commit myself to stop accepting myself as valuable/worthless and I commit myself to focus on bringing myself and being here in a recognition of myself here in self-honesty where I decide and express myself without creating an experience of myself. I commit myself to stop speaking/acting to deliberately ‘get something out of it’ but to focus on speaking/acting as the expression of myself. I realize that I don’t have to be ‘valuable’ in the eyes of others or even in the eyes of my own mind/myself because with value comes devalue and as such I would accept devalue as much as I accept value. I realize that this is not necessary for me to recognize and appreciate my own expression and to self-honestly asses my own contribution in this world.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt.3 – DAY 307

July 21, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

denial2 1024x575 Stifling Self Through Suppression   Pt.3   DAY 307In this post I am continuing with investigating and changing my relationship to suppression and how I’ve used suppression as a way to hold myself and what comes up/exists within me ‘under the radar’. Through investigating the extent to which I’ve used suppression as a mechanism to not have to face/deal with/direct what comes up/exists within and as my mind, I have realized that I suppress far more than I was aware of. What has been cool about this investigation however is that I’ve started to see that suppression doesn’t ‘just happen’ by itself. Although it has become quite automated, I have realized how I suppress using very specific ‘strategies’ and self-manipulation tactics and justifications – which obviously then also exposes the point that suppression is something that we do deliberately, with the intend of keeping parts/aspects of ourselves ‘out of sight’ and not as we would justify it as being a way to ‘get rid of’ or push something away. There is no ‘away’. It all goes right back into our physical bodies and the depths of our minds where we have no directive awareness which means that we aren’t actually aware of what happens to the points/experiences/aspects of ourselves that we ‘push under’. This is for example what can cause those sudden moments of emotional explosion where something that was suppressed resurfaces like a volcano under pressure with an almost violent force that can’t be controlled. It also goes to show how important it then is to stop suppressing and instead implement self-supportive tools to deal with what comes up/exists within one’s mind and oneself.

For context, read part 1 and 2 here:

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a point/experience/thought comes up in/through my mind that I see requires direction, tell myself to “look away”, that “It’s not that bad”, “It’s just one thought” where I know exactly what I am doing – I am suppressing what comes up within me, to not look at it, to not deal with it, to not take responsibility for myself within and as it – and thus in that moment abdicate myself to the mind, identify myself as the mind, accept myself as the thoughts, as the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through/as the mind, to not deal with/look at/direct what comes up within me through/as the mind by making the justification that “It’s not that bad” or that “there are so many points coming up that I can’t possibly deal with them all, so I’ll just let this one slide” – when that is in fact a deliberate suppression mechanism and I know that if I direct myself immediately and in the moment, I am capable of handing/directing anything that comes up within me – by being prepared, by me standing stable and solid here, so that the mind does not ‘wash over me’ but that I stand ready to ‘receive’ and direct whatever comes up

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to, in a moment of seeing a point/experience/thought coming up within me that I see requires direction and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to make excuses and justifications to not face/direct/deal with what comes up, for example through saying that “It’s not that bad” or “there are too many points come up, I’ll let this one go” – I stop and I breathe and I let that thought go. I commit myself to direct what comes up within me immediately and directly and I commit myself to be diligent and persistent as I keep pushing myself to change this pattern of self-suppression into self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive and manipulate myself into believing that “I’m letting it go” when I see a point/experience/thought coming up that I know I have to direct, where I’m not actually letting it go – and I know that I’m not letting it go, because of who I am within that moment of self-suppression

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to, in a moment of seeing a point/experience/thought coming up within me that I see requires direction and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to use the thought “I’m letting it go” as a self-deception and manipulation tactic – I stop and I breathe and I check within myself whether I am clear, whether there is a energy in my solar plexus. I realize that I know the difference between having actually let something go and simply telling myself that I’m letting something go, where it’s actually part of a self-suppression mechanism that I’m deceiving myself through. I commit myself to stop deceiving myself into believing that I’m letting something go, when I can clearly feel that the point is still here within me. I realize that when I deceive myself into believing that I’m letting something go, where I’m not, that I’m undermining my own self-integrity, self-honesty and self-trust, because I’m using what was supposed to be a real letting go as an excuse to actually remain and hold onto what came up within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what comes up within me as experiences/thoughts/memories where it is either something that scares me, that I fear or it is something about myself that I don’t want to face/admit, with deliberately using the words “Oh no, not this” – where I am literally standing AS self-suppression, within and by the decision to suppress myself, where what I had already suppressed resurfaces and I react to it as though it is threatening me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist facing what exists within/as me as the mind, because I fear that it will threaten the ‘stability’ of ‘who I am’ – when in fact, I can only fear what exists within me, if I am living on a lie, because otherwise I would simply embrace the totality of me unconditionally – so what this indicates is that I’ve been living on a lie, pretending that certain aspects of me are not a part of me, only wanting selective aspects – thinking that I can hide and push away those aspects of myself that I don’t like/don’t want, which is actually a double-suppression/deception mechanism, because when I suppress those aspects of myself and hide them from myself I further consolidate their existence within and as

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that suppressing actually has the exact opposite outcome of what my conscious intention with suppressing is; in terms of ‘letting it go’ and pushing away the parts of myself that I don’t like or that I don’t want to associate myself with – because when I push them away, into me they get their own ‘life’ in depth of the mind where I do not yet have directive awareness which means that I can even less direct them or let alone stop or change them, thus implying that suppression from the mind’s perspective has the exact opposite purpose – of actually holding onto and remaining within and as those points rather than letting them go

When and as I see that I react in fear and resistance to what comes up within/as me through the mind as experiences/thoughts/memories where I immediately want to push it away because I don’t want it to surface and ‘contaminate/threaten’ who I think I am here – I stop. I breathe. I push through the resistance and I face myself. I realize that the only reason why I would fear something that comes up/exists within me is because I’m living a lie. As such, the fact that these points/experiences/memories/thoughts come up is actually a gift and an opportunity for me to face the lie that I’ve accepted myself as, and to instead embrace the totality of me and from there enable myself to make directive, self-honest decision about who I am going to be – rather than ‘who I am’ being a result of a ‘censoring’ where I highlight the aspects of myself that I like and suppress the aspects of myself that I don’t like. I realize that I am never going to be able to change or stop the aspects of me that I don’t like or that I don’t want to exist as, unless I actually embrace them as myself unconditionally and direct myself as them in full awareness and self-honesty. I commit myself to stop reacting in fear and resistance to what I see/what comes up within me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and deceive myself through thinking and believing that “I don’t know what this is so I can’t deal with” when a point/experience/thought comes up within/as me through the mind where I deliberately confuse myself and make what comes up ‘unclear’ and ‘blurry’ and where I think that “It is too chaotic/confusing, so I need more time to process it” when in fact – what comes up within and as me, is me, and therefore is my responsibility. And because I have the tools of self-forgiveness, writing, breathing through experiences – I don’t have an excuse to not face or direct points because I know that I can make something clear for myself and even if I can’t there are actually people in my world that I can talk to, which means that there’s no excuse to not direct points, simply because I don’t see them clearly within the moment.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to feel confused/unclear/overwhelmed about what comes up within me through my mind – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have the capacity to deal with and direct everything within me, even if I’m not able to immediately, I have tools through which I can enable myself to direct whatever comes up. Therefore I realize that being confused/unclear/overwhelmed is not an excuse to not deal with/face/direct what comes up within me. I commit myself to – when I feel overwhelmed/unclear or confused about what comes up within me, to utilize the tools of self-support that are available to me, of writing, speaking self-forgiveness and talking to someone about it – so that I make sure that I direct whatever comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use physical techniques of suppressing where my suppression-mechanisms has become so automated that I immediately act physically through for example becoming tired and then deciding to go to sleep in a moment of facing a point/experience/thought or where I’d divert my own attention to something else than what I am working with, for example in writing myself out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, participate in and automate suppression-mechanisms where I will physically/mentally push points away within me or for example quickly apply self-forgiveness and then deceive myself into believing that I’ve “taken care of it” when in fact I can check within me whether there is still an energetic experience or not – which is the point of cross-reference for whether I have actually released a point or not, but instead of utilizing this cross-referencing tool, I’ve used my mind as thoughts through which I’ve then manipulated and deceived myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that none of these suppression mechanisms could work, without me deliberately deceiving myself and lying to myself – because I know exactly what I’m doing and have done it anyway, using thoughts as an excuse to abdicate responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse thoughts to manipulate myself and then within separating myself from my thoughts, from my mind, have abdicated responsibility through blaming the mind for being responsible for manipulating and suppressing me – when I in fact as the directive principle of myself, the one that decides am the one that has instigated and used the thoughts to manipulate myself

When and as I am facing a point and for example am in the middle of writing it out and I see and feel an ‘urge’ to get up and move or go to sleep or where I ‘suddenly’ am reminded about something else I should do – I stop myself. I breathe and make the directive decision to stay here, to not suppress myself but to face myself directly and immediately. I realize that suppression is actually a postponement mechanism, because what exists within me doesn’t go away – therefore I’ll simply have to face myself again later. As such, I realize that I can quantify my process and make everything a lot more practical and simple for myself by facing and directing a point within the moment. I realize that I do not need to suppress myself, if I embrace myself and walk with myself here in self-support in self-honesty. I realize that I have the ability and the capacity to face myself and direct what comes up within me through the mind in the moment and that it is my responsibility to direct whatever exist within and as me. I commit myself to stop acting within/through self-suppression and I commit myself to perfect and practice this new application until directing myself immediately becomes a natural expression of myself as who I am in relation to the mind and to myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt. 2 – DAY 306

July 18, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

denial e gibbons Stifling Self Through Suppression   Pt. 2   DAY 306I am here continuing with investigating suppression and how I’ve used suppressions as a coping/escape/denial/avoidance mechanism in my life through specific thoughts/backchats/statements that I’ve used to justify and manipulate myself into suppressing what comes up/exists within and as me.

Read part 1: Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt.1 – DAY 304

Self-Forgiveness & Self-Corrective Statements

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that “If I just ignore it, it will go away” when I see an emotion/reaction or experience within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through deliberately speaking the words “If I just ignore it, it will go away” inside my mind and thereby deceive myself into believing that if I ignore something, it will go away – not considering or self-honestly admitting to myself that nothing simply ‘goes away’ as whatever reaction/emotion/experience that I am accepting and allowing within and as myself already exists within me, and so with ‘ignoring’ it I am manipulating myself to push it away into myself – instead of actually dealing with it directly, facing it immediately which is the only way to stop or change something that I’ve accepted within myself – through self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into equating ’ignoring’ something with ’not participating’ in it – when those are actually two completely different applications, as there within deciding not to participate is an understanding and recognition of what I’m accepting and allowing, where I support myself to stop participating through seeing that its not valid, whereas when I merely ’ignore’ something, I’m abdicating self-responsibility for that point and for myself within/as it, I’m pretending that it is not there – which is in no way the same as not participating. In fact, I’m still participating but within suppression. I also realize how I, when I ignore something, I’m making myself less than that point/experience abdicating responsibility for ‘it’ to ‘go away’ when in fact I’m the one who decides what I accept and allow within/as me and what not.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the words “If I just ignore it, it will go away” as an excuse and justification for not facing/directing and taking responsibility for what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as me

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to mentally push a point ‘away’ (into myself) and/or when I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate in and accept the words within me: “If I just ignore it, it will go away.” I realize that I’ve been deliberately manipulating and sabotaging myself through accepting myself to believe that these words are real, valid and justified and I realize that nothing has ever ‘gone away’ by me ignoring it. I commit myself to let go of the belief that I can ignore something to make it go away. I commit myself to take responsibility for what comes up within me as what I have accepted and allowed to exist within/as me through immediately and directly facing myself in the moment and through directing what comes up within me – whether it is through forgiving it, making a directive decision to not participate or whether it is speaking to someone about it or sitting down and writing it out

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into an experience of inferiority and weakness towards what comes up in my mind as reactions/experiences that I validate and justify for myself as real through speaking the words/thoughts within my mind of “I can’t deal with this” and “I’m too weak/vulnerable to deal with this”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that when something comes up in/through the mind that I find challenging or difficult that “I can’t deal with this” and “I’m too weak/vulnerable to deal with this” – when in fact: when something comes up in/through the mind it means that I have already accepted and allowed it to exist within and as me and so when I speak those words of justification to not have to look at what comes up I’m making myself less than and inferior to what comes up to deliberately manipulate myself to not have to take self-responsibility

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to react within an experience of fear and inferiority to what comes up in my mind, I stop – I breathe and I remind myself that whatever comes up/exists within me is my responsibility and creation, which means that I have the ability to face and direct myself in and as it. I realize that I’ve used weakness as an excuse and self-manipulation as a justification for not facing myself believing that I can’t handle what exists within me – when that is in fact bullshit, because I was ‘handling’ it (albeit on an unconscious/physical level) while I wasn’t aware of it. I commit myself to stop seeing myself as weak and inferior to what comes up/exists within me and I commit myself to stand equal to what comes up/exists within me in self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use time as the most prominent excuse and justification for suppressing a point/experience/reaction that comes up within me, where I make the statement of justification within myself that “I can’t deal with this right now”, “I don’t have time to deal with this right now” and “There are more important things right now than dealing with this” and “I’ll deal with it later”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that time is per definition always a valid excuse and justification to not face points or direct them immediately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately lie to myself and tell myself that it is okay if I don’t direct a point/experience, because if I were to do that it would disrupt my ‘work flow’ or that it simply isn’t practically possible for me to stop what I’m doing and direct the point – when this is in fact an outright lie, because all it takes to direct a point is a quantum moment of self-awareness where I recognize what comes up within me in self-honestly and immediately give it direction through breathing, through speaking self-forgiveness within myself and through stopping participation within and as it – whereas: when I suppress myself I postpone the point to be dealt with at a later time, BUT I don’t keep it in my awareness or I keep pushing it down creating consequences that I’m not even consciously aware of and where reactions for example accumulate until I go into a full-blown mind-possession

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat of using time as an excuse for not deal with/direct/face a point within me – I stop – I breathe and I immediately direct the point within practicality according to the moment. I realize that directing/facing points doesn’t have to disrupt my routine/work-flow or that I necessarily have to now let go of everything and sit down and write for several hours. I realize that I can direct points in a quantum moment through being direct and self-honest. I realize that it is very few moments where I practically can’t direct points and even then, it doesn’t mean that it is valid to suppress them. I realize that most of the time where I’ve used time as an excuse, I do in fact NOT ‘come back to the point later’ because obviously that was never my intention, even though that was what I told myself. Because, otherwise I would have actually come back to the point later. I commit myself to stop using time as an excuse to not face/deal with/direct what comes up within me. I commit myself to continue working with and practicing the application of directing points immediately until this becomes a natural expression of myself – instead of suppression being my default-response.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what comes up within me as memories/thought/reactions/experiences by deliberately splitting myself in my mind where I see what comes up as separate from me, as a ‘part’ of me that’s not really me, like it exist within me – but I’m not responsible for it and so within that make the excuse and justification that “I don’t want to deal with this“ as though I have an actual choice and as though whatever comes up, is not my responsibility

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that not wanting to deal with what comes up in/through my mind is the same or equal to not wanting to deal with a mess in my house or the dishes for example, where I’d pretend that it is not my problem causing consequences for myself and others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself that it is ‘okay’ if I don’t want to deal with something because when I suppress it, it ‘magically disappears’ when that is in fact not the case – as me not dealing with something inside of myself, means that I’m leaving it to the mind to take care of, leaving it to ‘take care of it self’ – which exactly like the dishes won’t just disappear no matter how hard I ignore it – as well as not knowing what will happens in the depths of my mind/physical/being relationship that I don’t yet have access to or direction of in awareness, which basically means that I’m accepting and allowing myself to be a ‘ticking time-bomb’ because I have abdicated direction, awareness and responsibility for what comes up/exists within me

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the thought “I don’t want to deal with this” I stop – I breathe and I remind myself that I don’t have a choice because what comes up/exists within me is my responsibility and if I don’t face/direct/deal with what comes up/exists within me, then I am abdicating my responsibility and my self-directive principle to the mind which can and will create consequences. I commit myself to stop separating myself from what comes up/exists within me and I commit myself to take responsibility for directing/facing/dealing with what comes up/exists within me.

To be continued…

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt. 1 – DAY 304

July 12, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

HandsDrowningSea 1024x576 Stifling Self Through Suppression   Pt. 1   DAY 304Suppression is one of the primary ‘coping’ or ‘defense’ mechanisms that we as individuals use to ‘deal with’ what goes on inside of us. Some suppress more than others and it is often something we learn directly from our parents, for example when they say: “stop crying” or “you’ll be fine.” It is often meant with good intensions, but what the parents often don’t realize is how they’re prompting the child to use suppressions as a coping mechanism because that is what they’ve learned from their parents. A particular obvious way that parents teach their children to use suppressions is to, if the child is experiencing fear for example, ‘soothe’ the fear to ‘make it go away’ rather than actually assisting the child to face the fear. My mother was such a parent and she is a master of suppression. From her perspective, not having the Desteni tools, I actually see how she’s used suppressions to make her life ‘functional’, ‘bearable’ and even quite ‘happy’ but there is always that fear of not being able to hold it in any longer and that something ‘dark’ exists within us that we don’t want to come out. Suppressing is not something natural but for some it has become so normalized that we hardly notice that we do it.

Suppressions take a major toll on the body, because when we suppress, we don’t (contrary to what we think) actually ‘let it go’ but instead ‘swallow’ the fear or the emotion and absorb it and hide it within the depths of our mind and physical body. Because it is not natural to suppress, we have to actively ‘keep a lid on’ ourselves but throughout the years of ‘perfecting’ the ‘skill’ of suppressing, it becomes automated and we don’t realize the effort it takes and the consequences it has when we suppress. It’s like living on a lie; you have to constantly keep the truth at bay to keep up appearances to yourself and others.

For me, it was not until I found Desteni that I started realizing the extent to which I had used suppressions to cope. It had become the default go-to-behavior whenever I faced something, like an emotion within me that I didn’t like or did not know how to deal with, I’d ignore it and push it away (which was really pushing it within myself) and because I didn’t consciously feel it any longer I’d believe that I had successfully gotten rid of it. This is something that I still do today and it has become so ingrained into my daily life that it happens almost automatically. When I say ‘almost’ it is because I have realized that there is a decision process involved with suppressions.

This is an important point to understand; that suppressions do not ‘just happen’ and it is not some separate or external mechanism or force that is responsible for us suppressing ourselves. For me it was something I learned from my mother and in lack of better tools to deal with what was going on inside me, I learned to use suppressions to cope. I’ve realized how there is a distinct methodology involved with suppressions, where I actually have to think or backchat (speak internally) to prompt myself to suppress. But since its something I’ve done for so many years since I was a child, these thought-processes have become automated where I don’t even notice that I’m making the decision to suppress. This is in a way because I made that decision years ago, so I don’t have to consciously make the decision again; I’ve already decided to use suppression as a primary coping mechanism, so now I simply ‘go with the motions’ – having already accepted, allowed and permitted suppression as a valid way to deal with points/experiences/aspects/aspects/aspects/aspects inside me I don’t want to or don’t know how to deal with.

Related posts:

So what I will be doing here is to investigate the exact thoughts and backchat that I use to justify and prompt myself to suppress, so that I can flag these thoughts within me and thereby establish an anchor of awareness and self-honesty so that I can begin ‘catching’ the moments when I start suppressing and instead support myself to face whatever is coming up inside me in self-honesty and through self-forgiveness ensure that I do in fact let the point go within directing myself in and as it and take responsibility for myself through changing and correcting myself in and as it.

These are the thoughts/backchat that I have identified:

If I just ignore it, it will go away

I can’t deal with this

I can’t deal with this right now

I don’t have time to deal with this right now

I’m too weak/vulnerable to deal with this

Just look away

I don’t want to deal with this

I don’t have to deal with this; it’s not that bad

There are more important things right now than dealing with this

I’ll deal with it later

Oh no, not this.

There are so many points to deal with; I’ll let this on go

I’m letting it go

I don’t know what this is so I can’t deal with it

It is so chaotic, I need more time to process

Physical techniques

Divert my own attention physically and mentally – like becoming tired and going to sleep or ‘suddenly realizing’ that I have to do the dishes

And then I physically/mentally push it away/ignore it

Pretend like I didn’t hear/see it

Quickly apply self-forgiveness on the point but without checking that I’ve actually faced/embraced/released it

Quickly look at it and see what it is, being ‘satisfied’ that I’ve done enough

Literally lying to myself claiming that this is not what I’m experiencing

I’ll probably identify more ‘techniques’ of suppression as I now start opening it up more for myself. So I’ll firstly work with applying self-forgiveness and prescribing self-corrective behavior for myself for the points I’ve identified here.

Let’s first have a look at the etymological and dictionary definitions of suppression:

suppress (v.)

late 14c. (implied in suppressing) “be burdensome;” 1520s as “put down by force or authority,” from Latin suppressus, past participle of supprimere “press down, stop, hold back, check, stifle,” from sub “down, under” (see sub-) + premere “push against” (see press (v.1)). Sense of “prevent or prohibit the circulation of” is from 1550s of publications; medical use from 1620s. Related: Suppressed; suppressing. (Source: http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=suppress)

Something that is quite revealing about the definition of suppression is that it is quite different from the self-justified experience of “If I ignore it, it will go away” as well as the experience of suppression being something that happens ‘automatically’ or without our directive will. Suppression is something that can only take place through the ‘force’ of an ‘authority’ which in essence is ourselves, but that is an authority we’ve given to the mind. We say to the mind: “You deal with it” and then the mind locks the experience into the body. Because the act of suppressing is NOT making something ‘go away’ as though it floats into the air and evaporates (which is what I’ve believed/justified it as). It’s actually a literal ‘stifling’ and ‘pressing down/pushing under’ into and of ourselves. Stifling means to suffocate and make unable to breathe which is interesting in this context, because that’s exactly what we do when we suppress; we stifle our own bodies, our expression and beingness. What is also interesting is how suppression later came to mean ‘prevent the circulation of’ which is more in line with how I’ve justified suppression within myself, that I was preventing the circulation of ‘negative’ or ‘harmful’ aspect of myself – but in actuality that wasn’t so, because we can’t make something that exist go away. We have to walk through it, face it in/as ourselves in equality and from there transform it or unconditionally let it go. This is something that I’ve found often with looking at the etymological origins of words, in how they originally meant something quite literal and obvious and later were obscured or layered to become more dubious and deceptive.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with suppression as a deliberate mechanism or technique that I use to push points/experiences/aspects/aspects within myself away to not have to deal with them/face them and so myself in and as them, not realizing that there is no such thing as ‘pushing away’ or ‘getting rid of’ through suppression as the very manifestation of suppression is to push points/experiences/aspects ‘under’ and into myself into the depths of my mind/being/body in ways that I have not yet even realized in awareness – but obviously since the points re-surface and since I experience the physical consequences of suppression I can confirm for myself that this is so

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that suppression is an effective way to cope/deal with points/experiences/aspects within and as myself that I don’t want to look at or that I don’t understand because of the experience that when I suppress the point/experience seemingly ‘goes away’ and ‘disappears’ when in fact that is not so

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and to make the excuse and justification subconsciously that I have to suppress points/experiences/aspects because otherwise I would not be able to cope or survive, which I realize is directly related to: 1) not having learned supportive tools for how to deal with what comes up inside me and 2) that we’ve created a society based on suppression where we’ve seen what happens when people don’t suppress

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that suppression is a mechanism that ‘happens to me’, that is automated and that I have no control over, for example within seeing it as a coping mechanism that I’ve learned from my mother, than I then blame my mother for ‘inserting into me’ and that I blame the mind for being responsible for – when in fact I realize that suppression happens under my direct authority and direction and that suppression isn’t possible without my active participation and decision as well as the prompting of suppression through thoughts and backchat. I realize that there is a level of automation because I’ve been using suppression for so long, but that this automation is still based on a decision I’ve made to use suppression to cope

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept and believe that suppression is ‘normal’ and to within that, not give it further consideration as something that I have to stop doing but that I actually see as being quite effective and as a comfort-zone that I then don’t want to stop doing because I don’t know what’ll happen once I stop suppressing myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I’ve been affected cultural programming in relation to suppression where suppression generally is seen as positive in the idea and belief that we must suppress ourselves to not ‘let the darkness/madness out’ where I fear that if I were to stop suppressing myself I would lose control over myself and be at risk of being excluded from society or at worst be contained

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is necessary for me to suppress myself within seeing and defining myself as an emotional, potentially explosive and wild person, where I think and believe that I’m using suppression to contain aspects of myself that shouldn’t come out and as such that I’m doing society and myself a service by keeping myself under control through suppression, not realizing how, most times in my life where I’ve exploded in bursts of emotions have been in situations of having suppressed myself to the point of bursting – suppression therefore not being a prevention of emotional outbursts but their cause

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are not only two options: to either suppress or let emotions run amok – not realizing that I can actually direct myself in awareness without suppressing myself to face myself in/as my emotions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that suppressing is a particular coping mechanism that I’ve learned within my personal life, due to me having been highly emotional and explosive, when in fact I realize now that our entire society’s social mechanisms are based on suppression and that it is even expected of people to suppress themselves and that those who do not are either sanctioned, excluded or ridiculed – thus also producing a fear of not suppressing oneself, further endorsing suppression as a coping-mechanism

To be continued…

Thanks for reading.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

Transcending Socio-Economic Self-Limitations. DAY 303

July 8, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

35a 1024x791 Transcending Socio Economic Self Limitations. DAY 303A month ago my partner left to work in a different part of the country for two months. I was quite fine with it having no trouble being home alone and was rather enjoying the solitude. But the day after my partner left I came down with the flu and throughout the month I’ve been experiencing both insomnia and a lack of appetite, something that is quite unusual for me.

What I have come to see being the reason for this drastic change with the assistance of friend is that I’ve created a dependency towards my partner specifically within the context of associating him with the words ‘financial stability’, ‘safety’ and ‘security’. What I’ve come to see is that I have suppressed a fear within me towards losing the ‘financial stability’, ‘safety’ and ‘security’ that I have come to associate with my partner, triggered by him leaving.

So I will here be opening this point up for myself and fascinatingly enough I’ve also come to see how I have resisted facing this point in part because I was judging myself and being ashamed of my positive reactions towards having a achieved a level of financial security as I was seeing it as selfish and superficial and partly because I (subconsciously) believed that if I were to face the fear, I would have to be willing to give up this financial security – or at least my positive experiences towards.

This blog is in continuation to the following blog-posts:

To explain how this mind-process unfolded, let me give some background as to where I was coming from:

My childhood was highly unstable in many respects. When I was 5 years old my mother and I got kicked out of our apartment. When we got kicked out of the apartment and for a moment had no place to live, I see that I in a way suffered a trauma. It was the trauma of realizing that the world is not safe, that my mother is not a source of stability and that we were in a vulnerable position in the world. My life had been highly unsafe up until that point, but it was not something that had faced me as much as the shock of suddenly being without a home. The predominant reason for my reaction was also the shock and despair that my mother went into. We have always struggled with money. I grew up in a mix between a working class/farmer and an academic family but there’s never really been much money.

Within investigating this entire point I can see how the overall theme in my childhood experience was an undercurrent of instability, uncertainty, and unsafety, but until now I’ve never linked it to our financial situation. But an example of how money played a major role in creating an unsafe and unstable environment was the fact that my mother felt necessitated to work at night because she could make more money through that, resulting in me being left in the care of people who were not too keen on taking care of me, thus resulting in conflicts and I inverted onto myself. If I look at all the symbolism involved as something that steered me from beneath the surface, there’s also the fact that there was no male role model in my life and I can see how I already then (also based on indoctrination through fairytales such as Cinderella and Disney movies that I’ve written about previously) came to associate the absence of a male figure in my life with the financial insecurity we experienced.

hroughout my childhood I had a distinct experience of my mother as being ‘out of control’ and in no way as someone who represented a point of stability in my life. It felt as though she was perpetually drowning in the world system and to me the experience of unsafety and insecurity was heightened by the fact that I subconsciously believed that a parent is supposed to be a stability point in the life of a child. What I didn’t understand was that my mother was in many ways exemplifying and thus showing me the actual reality of what’s going on in this world; meaning that she was so unstable and my life was so unstable, that there was no faking that “we’ve got it all under control” – as other parents may have been able to, thus perhaps perpetuating a false sense of security in a child. I can actually see how, in many ways, this instability has supported me to, in some respects be fearless – especially when it comes to challenging my own belief-systems and worldviews. I thoroughly enjoy – although it may be scary and I may resist it at first – when the world within my mind as a mental construct, breaks down and I have to reassess everything I thought I knew was real. So I have never had a desire to go back or to associate myself with the culture I grew up in (except for some specific constructs regarding politics and health) and instead always wanted to move forward. So when I grew up I was deliberately seeking out males who came from more financially stable families.

Many of my long-term relationships have exactly been with males from what I considered to be ‘good stable families’. It has been males who had ‘a future’ in the sense that they were academically ambitious. I have also a couple of times in my life been with males who came from quite wealthy families and it was something that I subconsciously was very excited about. But consciously I’ve always denied this to myself – because I grew up in a distinct left wing, socialist, working-class culture where money was seen as the root of all evil. But what I saw – and subconsciously reacted towards were people being exhausted, their bodies torn, with no future or any form of ‘advancement’ in sight, because they focuses more on fighting the current system and attempting to establish a minimum of ‘happiness’ within their working class lives. Growing up I celebrated that culture, I completely identified with it, I saw us as ‘the little man’ who were outside the system, I was proud of the legacy I was a part of. But the other side of that coin was that I was shit scared to end up in a mundane boring life in a 9-5 job and not making anything of my life or myself. And I secretly admired and desired the life ‘on the other side of the tracks’, where money was abundant, where ambitions pushed people to excel in the world system, where there was power and financial security. The only way ’out’ of the life that I subconsciously understood that I was destined to live, was to me consciously an ’ascension’ process through spirituality where I literally tried to detach myself from myself and subconsciously through finding a man with money who could elevate my life to a different dimension; fascinatingly enough: two very similar paths. I never ever believed that I could make something of my life in this world independently. I would fantasize about it, but I didn’t actually believe I could do it.

The relationship/agreement that I am in now in many ways fulfilling all of these subconscious desires I’ve had growing up. My partner does not come from a rich family, but it is still quite different from the conditions I grew up in. His family has embraced me unconditionally which is also something that I’ve never experienced before. My partner is also busy taking an education that potentially can place us in quite an ‘advanced’ position in society, both financially and in relation to status in the system. So I have been secretively fantasizing about how this life will unfold and I have had very strong positive experiences when projecting myself into the future and seeing what is possible. But this has been solely based on the position that my partner is in where I have seen myself more as a ‘burden’ that is dragged along for the ride out of luck on my part, as though I’ve randomly won the lottery. I have been ashamed and have judged myself for these fantasies and these positive experiences and I have resisted letting them go or even confronting them within myself, because I had finally gotten what I had dreamt of my entire life and even in a scale potentially bigger than what I could have ever hoped for. So it’s like one of these situations where things in a way are ‘too good to be true’ where you’d fear losing it at any point, because it feels like its ‘too good’. The other side of that is also that I’ve felt undeserving of it/him, because I’ve exactly seen myself as belonging to a lower class. I haven’t realized or considered that by letting my fear of losing the stability and the desire towards optimizing my life go, doesn’t mean that I have to lose the actual stability. It simply means that I have to redefine it for myself in a practical way where I stand one and equal to/with it unconditionally, without it being something that I’m attached to or dependent on.

So looking at the basic context of the point as it has unfolded, my partner to me represents financial stability – and through that: security, safety, comfortability, happiness and a safe place. I feared losing it. I feared going back to how it was before. I see my home now being bright and stable and calm and nurturing. How I can buy things that I want, advance in life, becoming successful, being seen as someone who matters, being included into a family. Just buying stuff in general as a privilege. I also see how I from this life can expand even further, because there’s now a platform of stability to do that from. Before, I saw and experienced my life as unsafe, insecure, instable, uncertain, never rooted, never belonging, never expanding beyond limitations.

I have previously walked a self-forgiveness process on several dimensions of this entire construct, so I will here specifically focus on the ones that I have not brought to the surface until now.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately resist and refuse to confront myself with my fear of losing the financial stability, safety and security that I’ve attached to my partner and thus to our relationship, because I believed that facing this fear, I would risk losing what I want to hold onto, partly because I know that my experience is not real and I did not want to admit that to myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and be ashamed of my desire to have and hold onto a financially stable and abundant life through my partner’s position in society and within that the desire to be able to buy what I want – because I saw it as superficial and selfish and in alignment with a consumer-capitalist stance that I’ve been antagonistic towards my entire life, due to being brought up in a culture that hated consumer capitalism

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I’ve used self-judgment and shame as a deliberate self-manipulation and defense mechanism to suppress my desire for having money and status/power/security in the system – so that I could hold onto it in secret and not risk losing/letting it go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse, resist and avoid facing my desire to have money and status/power/security in the system, because I didn’t want to let it go, because I had finally gotten what I have always secretly wanted and I knew in self-honesty that my desire was not self-honest but in fact self-interested and I used self-judgment to further obscure and obstruct my own self-honesty by judging myself for this desire in alignment with the political doctrine I grew up with, instead of understanding the creation of this desire both from a personal-psychological perspective and from an inter-personal global perspective of social and economic hierarchies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider or investigate my desire for money/security/safety/stability/power/status within the context of understand how the mind works and operates, both on a conscious, subconscious and unconscious level – because I would have for example within that seen and realized that an aspect of why I created this desire and why and how it was so energetically charged within me with a positive energy, was because I grew up in a culture that had extreme negative energetic reactions towards people in power or people with money, thus one aspect of why and how I created this desire, is simply the principle of how polarities work and operate where the negative has to be balanced with a positive. Another explanation is how there in the global unconscious collective of humanity – like the symbolisms we’ve funded our social structures upon, is a ‘natural’ competition where those who are standing as socio-economic ‘losers’ in society will desire and strive towards becoming ‘winners’ – meaning also that that ‘winner’ position of status/power/safety/stability and security is recognized and accepted as real and valid and thus relevant to strive towards.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how there’s in essence nothing wrong with me wanting to have a financially stable life and to be able to empower and expand myself with an ambition to advance beyond the conditions that I was born into – because it is certainly unnatural and unacceptable to be struggling to survive, to constantly worry about not having enough money, to not be safe or stable within one’s position in society, to be limited to conditions where one has to live just to survive without ever being able to empower or expand oneself and to not have access to the abundance of resources that are available on this planet or a joy and exploration of life — but what is also unacceptable, delusional, illusory and self-interested, and this is what I refused to admit to myself is the desire to spend money just to spend money, the desire to consume without accountability, the desire to be in a position of power, security and status over others due to having more money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into and endorse the illusion of having power over life through money and thereby stability, security and happiness – and as such within that having also confirmed and accepted my own position and condition in society of not having access to power over life through money and thereby stability, security and happiness – as valid, real and unchangeable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize and admit to myself, that by accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as and to accept the desire within me to have power over life through money – especially when this through my perception – became a real possibility for me – have equally accepted the disempowered and limited conditions that I grew up on and that billions of people are conditioned to, as an acceptable ‘casualty’, as the statement “hey well, that’s just the rule of the game. If you lose, you lose, but don’t’ get in the way of those who’re winning.” I realize how I have accepted this dichotomy between power and disempowerment my entire life – because I accepted myself as part of a culture without money and even prided myself of that as though it made me a better person – hence having subjected myself to the social engineering of being happy being a wage-slave, but where it wasn’t until I saw the possibility of me shifting to ‘the other side’ that I began to subconsciously accept this construct even more, whereas before there was always the secret desire to overthrow and take the power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because I have finally ended up in a position of having the possibility to cross ‘sides’ into what I have defined as the powerful, superior, safe, secure, stable, happy, prestigious living conditions, fear losing it – specifically through having attached these virtues to my partner based on the fact that it is through him that all of this is made possible (at least in my mind) and because of the symbolism that I’ve attached to males as powerful/ambitious/financially stable and females as inferior and disempowered and unsafe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can embrace, enjoy and expand myself within and as the possibility of a new life that I have gotten access to through being with my partner and within that utilize this new opportunity to actually create myself as someone who can make a difference in the world and change the current power structures to create a life where money does not determine a person’s value or opportunities in life – but that this also implies letting go of my brainwashed and preconditioned desire to have power over life, to consume just to consume – because I understand now that it is not real – it’s an illusion, because otherwise I am still playing the game and accepting its premise of ‘winners’ and ‘losers’ as valid, which includes my own limited conditions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, experience, define and accept myself as undeserving of, inferior to and not good enough for my partner and within that see myself as a burden and fear that my partner will at some point realize this about me and cast me aside – not realizing how none of this is first of all real, but also that the principles through which my partner and I have established our relationship/agreement are based on transcending the preconditioned power structures and social hierarchies and as such that we can value each other and ourselves as life, as beings existing in equality with the goal of actually changing the world – but that obviously as long as I validate those structures and condition and limit myself to them, this will not be possible

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself into the future and imagine in fear that my partner and I break up and imagine how I would be back to ‘square one’ in terms of being in the very limited living conditions that I came from where my only option is to work as a wage-slave and survive – not realizing how, whether I am with my partner or not, whether I work as a wage-slave or not, that does not mean that I don’t have the opportunity to stand up and become someone who makes a difference in this world and it also doesn’t mean that I cannot expand myself through transcending the behavioral and mental patterns through which I’ve held myself locked into this social and economic status

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am able to transcend the behavioral and mental patterns through which I’ve held myself locked into this social and economic status and through which I’ve accepted my preconditioned life as final and permanent – and also how I, because I did not realize this, accepted and allowed myself to accept this preconditioned life as valid, not only for me but for everyone in this world, where whatever conditions you are born into reflects ‘who’ you are and will ever be – when in fact that’s not real

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ‘rest on my laurels’ and to be content – because I have now been propelled into the kind of life I have always dreamt about of having financial security and abundance as well as the possibility of a position of status in the world via my partner’s position – and thus settle – for a limited achievement of what is possible for me to make of myself in this life, where I’ve solely focused and relied on external structures, instead of realizing that the potential to expand and make a difference is existent within me, no matter who I am with or what conditions I am existing under on a practical level (at least to the extent of my current life)

I forgive myself that I’ve not pushed myself to transcend my preconditioned life but instead have piggy-backed and made myself dependent on my partner providing an ‘upgrade’ to my living-conditions, from which I’ve also manifested the fear of losing this life, because it was not something that I had created or established for or within myself as an expression of myself and my potential

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am responsible for what I make of myself in this life and as such what I make of myself through my life, and through having accepted and allowed to project this expansive potential onto my partner, have abdicated responsibility for me expanding myself – and have thus by default kept myself locked into my preconditioned self-definition by accepting and believing that I could never make the life for myself that has been made possible through my relationship and affiliation with my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give up on and to abdicate responsibility for my own potential of what is possible for me to become and achieve that is determined by who I am in the foundation of my being – as who I decide to be, as who I create myself to be, as who I accept myself as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how that, which from one perspective was a limited and unsafe childhood can be redefined as a strength that I utilize, for example through me not fearing to embrace new perspectives and through me being able to support others unconditionally because I know what it is like to be in extreme situations, and how I as a woman do not have to accept myself as innately inferior or unable to advance in life, but can use the expressions within me that are characteristically feminine to support myself and others to create a life that is best for all, for example through my ability to care, to be compassionate, through being humble, through being responsible, through being able to see in ‘wholes’ – and how I as such can come together with my partner and utilize each of our strengths and together become a force to be reckoned with because we stand together bringing different skills to our life through which we can expand individually and together

Realizations and Self-Corrective Commitment Statements

I realize that my power, my strength, my value, my joy, my expression, my potential, does not come from how much money I have or what doors are open to me in the world-system, because these expressions existed within me all along and does not change or become more valuable because my financial situation changes. I also realize that there’s a practical side to having gained financial stability which currently functions within the parameters of the current world system that is not to be overlooked, but instead utilized practically within the capacity I have, where, because I now have a more financially stable life, I have the opportunity – and thus the responsibility – to expand myself, to stabilize myself, to become a force in this world that will make a difference – and as such my life is in many ways more safe and secure, but this is certainly not absolute or existential because I am an equal part in this world that overall is highly unsafe and unstable and as such I commit myself to not take it for granted, but to unconditionally embrace it as an opportunity in this moment that isn’t dependent on or conditioned to what will happen in the future

I have the gift of having existed in a very unsafe and unstable environment, because this has enabled me to become more flexible and more open to look at things from various perspectives. I realize that it is a gift to not have grown up in a closed, secure system because it has made it easier for me to let go of the past as I was not as emotionally invested in it as others may have been, had they had a very safe and secure childhood. I realize that it is unacceptable for me to accept and allow myself to be conditioned by and to define myself according to the unsafety and instability I experienced as a child. I realize that this instability was reflecting a global instability and that the stability I experience now is a gift that is here for a moment, but that I don’t have to be attached to or fear losing, because in essence, this stability and instability based on money is not real or value, but is based on an abusive system of competition and power and disempowerment structures. I realize also that I come bearing gifts through what I have experienced in life and that it is important that I do not squander these through accepting myself as inferior and undeserving.

I realize that my financial stability is first and foremost my responsibility, because if my partner were to suddenly leave or die or become incapacitated, it would be my responsibility to ensure that I am financially stable. I also realize that I know that I have the capacity to expand myself financially, but that I have not made that opportunity possible for myself because I’ve firstly accepted myself as belonging to a specific socio-economic group of people who can only ever be wage-slaves and also because, with the entry of my partner into my life, I accepted and allowed myself to fall into the trap of leaning on and becoming dependent on my partner. In our lives currently, I’m actually the one working whereas my partner is still studying, so it is interesting how all of this has been operating within subconscious and unconscious symbolism and personalities not necessarily having anything to do with how things actually are in reality. I realize that safety and security within the current world system can and will only be relative and therefore that it is not something to take for granted – and that a real safe and secure world, would include safety and security for everyone.

So I commit myself to embrace the relative safety and security that is available to me at the moment and to utilize that as a platform through which I can expand myself, my skills and abilities to actually make a difference in this world, towards creating a safe and stable existence for everyone. I know that I can handle challenges; I am committed to walk this process and to establish a trust and security within and as myself – as self-trust, as knowing myself to the level of specificity and detail that I know and decide who I am in every moment of every breath, so that I direct myself and my own life in awareness, not only of myself but of the life we all share. I commit myself to work with my own mind and to become the directive principle of my mind as the author/authority of myself in self-responsibility

At the moment I am looking at how I can incorporate these realizations into my life on a practical level and I see that it first of all has to do with quite basically stopping participation in the fear/desire relationship that I’ve created in relation to my partner, which quite specifically means to stop participating in and forgive any such thoughts or energetic reactions – and to instead direct myself and my attention towards strengthening myself and my resolve and my stance through developing self-trust and directive. I will continue with this in posts to come.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Artwork by Alexandra Valenti

FOCUS. DAY 302

July 1, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

focus FOCUS. DAY 302I will here begin exploring a word that I have not yet lived within full commitment as an expression of myself. It is the word FOCUS.

In the etymological dictionary focus is defined as follows:

“focus (n.)

1640s, from Latin focus “hearth, fireplace” (also, figuratively, “home, family”), of unknown origin, used in post-classical times for “fire” itself, taken by Kepler (1604) in a mathematical sense for “point of convergence,” perhaps on analogy of the burning point of a lens (the purely optical sense of the word may have existed before Kepler, but it is not recorded). Introduced into English 1650s by Hobbes. Sense transfer to “center of activity or energy” is first recorded 1796.”

How I have defined and lived (or rather not lived) the word FOCUS.

The very first memory that pops up is from when I was approximately 4-5 years old. I was in kindergarten and I was told to sit down and knit a key chain. The teacher explained to me that it would be good for me to do because I had trouble sitting still and always preferred something active. I remember how I perceived it as a form of punishment and I remember perceiving the teacher as being spiteful and somewhat mean. As I was sitting there I was squirming inside myself and all I wanted to do was to get up off of that chair. I remember discussing the concept of time with my teacher as she told me that I had to sit for 2 more minutes. I asked her how long 2 minutes was and I remember that it felt very long.

When I look at my relationship with focus throughout my life I see and experience that I have had difficulty with focus. My ability to focus has specifically been towards practical things like being creative with a project. In such situations or moments I have been able to focus. I have specifically not been able to focus when it came to doing something where I had to sit still and for example read for school. If I read a book for fun I would often read fast and skip pages to get through the book. I have prided myself on being able to multi-task as the positive side if you will – of not being able to focus. So I can – within moderation – read while watching TV and working on a creative project at the same time. I’ve practiced this ‘skill’ over the years to be able to multi-task more and more but I have also noticed how I’m not able to keep my attention 100 % on several things at once. This is one of the reasons why I’ve decided to work with the word focus. The other reason is that I see how it is prohibiting and limiting my to not have focus integrated as a natural expression of who I am.

I’ve also prided myself off of being a ‘fast person’, a ‘fast learner’ and I have had distinct reactions of anxiety towards people that I perceived to be ‘slow’, like people that speak slowly or who move slowly.

I have in previous posts described how I’ve throughout my life existed in a constant ‘running away’ from myself and I see that this is the distinct reason behind me not focusing. So it is interesting to see that the word focus comes from the word ‘fire’, ‘fireplace’ or ‘hearth’. Sitting around a bonfire in the night is a central focal point and some say that looking into fire is mesmerizing so I can understand how the word focus derives from an association with fire. I see focus very much as centering oneself towards a single point, exactly how fire is the central point in a night with a bonfire. I also see how a distinct reaction that comes up within me when I am faced with a moment that requires focus, is that I feel ‘jittery’ like I’m crawling in my skin – there’s a resistance within me towards ‘centering’ or ‘focusing’ myself. How this manifests specifically is that when I am supposed to focus on something – meaning where a particular project/point, like writing an article, requires me to give my undivided attention to this project/point, I tend to ‘distract’ myself. What then tends to sometimes happen is that it takes me a very long time to for example write the article because I every 10 minutes or so will either get up and suddenly think of something I have to do or I will check my mail or a message coming in on Facebook. Within a positive definition of all of this, I have defined it as me enjoying being busy, being a generally fast person and being able to multitask. But the fact of the matter is that not all points/projects requires me to be fast or to multitask. Some points require slowness and focus and centeredness inside myself. An example that comes up is treading a needle. You can’t force it; it requires precision, focus and a steady, gentle hand. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I recently consulted with a homeopath who explained to me that I am basically so exhausted that I am unable to slow myself down and rest and that this has resulted in my body not being able to effectively restitute itself. This is something that I can relate to very much as another indication of why I am apparently unable to focus, because I am in a constant state of ‘being on the move’ of ‘moving forward’ and have throughout my life had a hard time actually relaxing and simply being Here.

In previous posts I have also sourced the origin of this experience back to my childhood where I created a perpetual state of pushing myself forward through/in my mind, ironically making my body very ‘hardened’ in a way, as though I am in a constant state of pushing up against a storm, obviously causing strain on my physical body. I see also how this has become an ‘addictive’ state in a way, a ‘comfort zone’ that I have simply gotten used to and that is ‘comfortable’ simply because it is ‘the devil I know’. So I realize that the point that I require walking is the integration of focus and centering and slowing down into my daily application, allowing myself to be with myself here and keeping my attention on one point. This is then also the practical correction that I see is required where, every time I see that I want to do something else, I gently pull my attention back here and push through the resistance towards being Here in the moment. Focus must first be in me, with me as my ‘focal’ and ‘center’ point for me to be able to effectively focus on a point or a project in my external reality. It is thus from me as a ‘focus’ – as the fire of my beingness, myself as a ‘home’ that I can establish focus – as specific and direct attention towards one point in my world/reality. This is thus what I commit myself to practice and to push myself to, like a muscle that hasn’t been exercised and requires practice to get that ‘muscle memory’. One thing I can do, which I’ve done before as well is to set a clock, so that I push myself little by little to be more attentive until I have pushed all the way through and can see when it is necessary and required for me to be focused and when it is required to rather multi-task and participate in several tasks at once. So I will utilize the practical structure of time and even for example turn off my Internet in the beginning, if I am for example writing an article, so as to assist and support myself to in the best possible way, integrate this point of focusing into my daily application. I realize that I am already quite effective at focusing if I am for example doing something creative with my hands – because within such activities I am very much ‘with myself’ and I see how I can therefore transfer this application into other points where I am not in the same way doing something manual, specifically through focusing on being focused first in my physical body and then from there express that into whatever I am working on. Focus then becomes an expression of me – no matter what I am participating within.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Living The Principle of What is Best for All. DAY 301

June 30, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life, My Declaration of Principle

Human Controlled Ecosystem 1024x575 Living The Principle of What is Best for All. DAY 301Some points are so simple and straightforward that our minds can’t or won’t accept them, because we’re so used to things having to be complicated and because it would mean that we would have no excuses not to change.

The principle of what is best for all is probably the most simple and most natural and practical principle in the universe, and yet it is also a principle that we as human beings often have a hard time grasping and understanding.

I am continuing here with the series on the Desteni of Living – my Declaration of Principle

Here are the previous posts in the series:

2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all

What is ‘Best for all’ can be described as an ‘equation’ where all individual parts comprising a whole are aligned in the best possible way to support the whole to thrive and so in affect, each individual part. It is really that simple.

When discussing how to apply the principle of what is best for all in one’s own life and in the world as a whole, I have come across the following objections and will therefore accordingly here give a perspective on each one to show exactly how feasible and practical this principle in fact is.

“You will never be able to implement this principle. Because what is best for someone else is not best for me. Who are you to decide what is best for me?”

Something important to understand is that the principle of what is best for all is not yet another philosophical gimmick or doctrine. We are so used to either being entirely placated or suspicious to the point of paranoia towards any principle presented to us, with good reason, because most of what is presented as principles on this planet, often carry hidden agendas or is simply regurgitated knowledge with no real connection to reality.

However, in our world there are many examples of organisms living the principle of what is best for all and unfortunately, the human race is not one of them. Our bodies however exist within and based on this principle, just like an eco-system. Each body part has its individual and specified role through which it functions and contributes to the overall well being of the organism. An example from the animal kingdom and from nature and even some indigenous tribes is the principle of ‘permaculture’. One of the principles of permaculture is that when a resource is extracted from the earth, resources are also given back to the earth, like when you cut a tree, you plant a new one. Herds of animals have for eons of time applied this principle instinctively through grazing only to the extent that the ecosystem could bare it and still revitalize itself.

What is best for all is thus not something that can be debated where I can decide something for you that is not truly best for you and then simply claim that it is ‘best for all’. Either it is, or it isn’t. The proof however, will be in the physical practical living conditions of each individual and of the whole. And this is where it gets bit more complicated. Because in our glorification of ‘individual freedom’ and in many people landing on the principle of ‘each has a right to his own opinion’ as the only viable alternative to a totalitarian system, we miss certain key points. The first being that we tend to think and believe that our apparent ‘individual choices’ are indeed ‘free’ – when in fact virtually everything that we desire and prefer and take pleasure in has been preprogrammed into us and is being perpetually impulse through social engineering and marketing campaigns.

This means that as we currently exist, our ‘free choice’ is not actually free at all. So when someone for example argues that “If I want to drink 2 liters of Coca Cola every day and rot away my teeth that is my choice! What right do you have to tell me what to do?” – this person is not acting out of free choice as they would have most likely never considered drinking Coca Cola, hadn’t it been for relentless advertising, but even more so: they are not acting in his or her best interest. So when you decide to drink 2 liters of Coca Cola every day and we for arguments sake say that this is in fact rotting your teeth, you’re actually being detrimental towards your own physical body and thus in a way being a ‘threat’ to the equilibrium of the whole that is your body. You are prioritizing an experience of instant gratification – prompted by advertisement – over the wellbeing of your own physical body. This is not best for all and it is not best for you and I am sure that if you were in fact acting out of a true ‘free will’, you would obviously chose that which won’t destroy your body in the process. See, we only do such destructive acts towards ourselves and others when something inside of us is ‘misaligned’ with ourselves as Life and this is unfortunately being heavily endorsed and promulgated by the media and consumerist system, making us think that we’re acting out of free choice when in fact we’re acting based on a preprogrammed behavioral pattern and on external impulses like advertisement. So to understand the principle of what is best for all, you basically have to start with the fact that you would like to live, that you would like to thrive and live your utmost potential. Best for all thus means: best for you, even if you do not at the moment agree with or understand that. We’re talking about best for you at an existential, physical and practical level. We are NOT talking about a Nazi-health regime like in the movie The Island, because unfortunately most information out there about what is in fact best for you when it comes to nutrition for example, is fallacious at best and at worst is outright deceptive. No one can decides for another what is best for them, however that does not mean that there isn’t an ‘objective truth’ of what is in fact best. Certain points may differ from person to person and that is where individual choice becomes possible in a system based on the principle of what is best for all. Because it would be best for all for example, if everyone were educated about the effects of sugar on their body, if ingredient labels on products were explicit and transparent and if each of us had learned to discern on a physical level So maybe some people would enjoy Coca Cola without it being destructive to them, and in a world that is best for all, that would be fine – as long as the Coca Cola is produced and manufactured in a way that has not compromised this basic principle.

So here we then get into what best for all means on a global level. I have in previous posts used the example of how it would be best for everyone if all had access to clean water. It would not only be best for the people who currently does not have access to clean water, but also to everyone else who may or may not be indirectly affected by water elsewhere in the world not being clean. So let’s say that we now on a national as well as on an international political level agree that clean water is best for all. What we’d then have to do is to conduct and utilize research being done on water to asses the most practical way to ensure that all water is clean. This may mean that certain production facilities or for example ships that transport crude oil may have to change their infrastructure to ensure that they do not contaminate any way. It may also mean that water purification systems would be installed into homes or that everyone gets access to equipment through which they can monitor the level of purity of their drinking water. Some might argue that such solutions will be very costly, but within the principle of what is best for all, there is only one bottom line: is it best for all or not? See for instance, it may be more cost-effective for companies to dump their contaminated water into a water stream that runs into a farming community’s fields, but in the end it would be so much more costly to everyone if no clean water is accessible and people have to migrate and uproot themselves because they live in an area where their children are falling ill due to contaminated water. What I am saying here is that looking at things in a long-term perspective, the solutions that are best for all are by far the most cost-effective, because through them we are actively protecting and prioritizing the well-being of our planet, the eco system, the animals and our own health.

How can we live the principle of what is best for all in our own lives?

At the moment we live in a world system and under national laws of each country that aren’t founded upon the principle of what is best for all. This means that we will not always be able to act in ways that are best for all, simply because the structures of the system prohibits us from doing so. Let me give an example. Throughout my life I’ve always flushed grease and oily substances down the drain after cooking. A couple of years ago I came across an article that explained how our drainage system is not build to handle grease and oil being flushed out and how it literally gets stuck inside the pipes to the detriment for the entire sewage system. I was absolutely flabbergasted that I had never heard about this before and that it wasn’t something anyone was being educated on in terms of taking responsibility for not pouring fatty liquids down the drain. However, I didn’t know of any alternatives so I kept flushing the grease out the drain. Then a friend showed me how she had found a solution in for example if she’s cooked a chicken, she would place paper tissues into the container to soak up the excess fat that she would then throw in the garbage bin. This is a small but simple way that one can take co-responsibility for something that isn’t working to an optimal level in the world system. It doesn’t mean that it is best for all at an absolute level, but within the giving circumstances it is the best option we have.

Let’s look at another example of how one can live the principle of what is best for all despite living in a system that isn’t yet founded upon this principle: My partner and I live together with our two cats. Since my partner and I are both walking process, we agree to optimize our living to be based on the principle of what is best for all. So for example when we discuss whether we should take our cats outside for example, we look at what is best for all as the whole group of us four beings. If a fifth person or another being like a dog would come into our lives, this being would obviously be included in the equation of what is best for all. So the ‘all’ in what is best for all can also be a mini-version of the eco-system. I would for example like to move somewhere where our cats can go out through a cat-door, because this would give them more freedom in deciding when they want to go out, but it would also alleviate the responsibility that my partner and I currently have to take them in and out. On an absolute level, it would obviously be best for all if animals wouldn’t have to be dependent on humans in any way whatsoever, but this is not something we can manifest from one day to the next and so therefore we have to look at what is best within the current conditions that we are all existing in.

Another example is that what is best for all in fact might not be what I would prefer. Let’s say that I really want to buy a new summer dress, but my partner explains to me that we have to get the carburetor of our car fixed and that we won’t have enough money for both purchases. In such situations it has been tremendously supportive to have a principle such as what is best for all as the foundation of our relationship and agreement, because I can, despite really wanting to buy a summer dress, see how it is necessary that we instead invest that money in fixing our carburetor because it is more important to have a car that can drive than me getting a summer dress. What this means is that a lot of emotions and feelings and needless discussions about priorities can be superseded because we agree on this basic principle. When we have such discussions about what to do or what to buy we simply ask each other and ourselves: but what is best? Recently for example, my partner and I have had many discussions about where to move when my partner is done with his education. Sometimes we will for example look at options and my partner will say, “This might be good for us to do.” I can then ask him: “but will it be best?” So by introducing this principle into our lives and especially into our decision-making, we can ensure that we actually elevate our decisions to the highest standards possible, not just what is or may be ‘good’ – but in fact what is best. Sometimes we may not have all the information required to see what is best, but then we can go and do research to find out. Other times we may have made a decision and then later on new information emerges that changes the equation and we then have to reconsider what we saw was best initially. The point that I would like to make here is that implementing the principle of what is best for all into our lives makes decisions so much more practical and simplistic and it prevents decisions being made out of self-interest or fear, because we can at all times look at the physical and practical implications of a certain decision and ask: Is this best?

One of the effects of starting to live this principle has had on my life, is that I now do a lot more research when I am looking at making a decision for myself or for my life with my partner and our cats. This means that the decisions I make are much more informed and educated than previously where I mostly relied on how I felt about a certain decision. So many decisions I would make on a whim or based on fear. Now, if I see that I want to do something or that I don’t want to do something, but I also see that it isn’t best for all, I can bring it back to myself and go and investigate my starting-point. What I have come to see is that what is best for all is something that exists as the optimal potential or outcome of a certain decision or process. What this means then is that all we have to do is to communicate, research and educate ourselves on ourselves and our reality and environment to be able to effectively asses what that ‘best’ scenario or outcome is. At the most basic level of living this principle it means, as Bernard once told me, that when I am best for me, I am best for all. This means that I have to first be able to determine what is in fact best for me and what it means to be best for myself in self-honesty and through that I actually enable myself to begin walking the process of living and becoming my full potential. Expanding ourselves to look at and live in a way that is best for all means to understand that we are part of an interdependent world where what we do affects the whole and where what is being accepted and allowed elsewhere on some level affects our lives and living conditions. When we start living what is best for all, we can begin including the needs of others into our decisions and stop existing in bubbles of self-interest. If everyone lived what is best for all, what would exist would be best for each individual as well as the entire earth; the eco-systems and our world would be nurtured and supported to its full potential. What such a world would look like and what potentials in fact exist, we will have to find out. We can start by taking the first step to decide to begin implementing the principle of what is best for all into our own lives.

“Self is an Eco-system. This eco system is by your own allowances and acceptances and determines the Nature of who you are. It functions according to the demands you place on yourself and how you supply yourself the fulfillment of these demands. In your self eco system you are the center of a very small world. Yours. And you are completely alone with only your back chat with no one ever knowing the real you as you want to hide it at all costs, because if people hear your back chat, you know they will know the real you. They will realize the real nature of you as human. This nature of self. This eco system must be abolished to create an ecosystem that is best for all life, all inclusive as that is where you will find life and home.“

“The daily self Task: to place yourself in writing in a structured way will in time be your proven sanity, trust , honesty and consistency that transcends all ego.
All the structure must show is your dedication to what is best for all life and the confirmation through cross-referenced feedback that you are in fact living this commitment breath by breath into being as you as life.” – Bernard Poolman

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

AMBITION. DAY 300

June 24, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

kylie walking 791x1024 AMBITION. DAY 300I am continuing here from the previous post about self-empowerment and the self-perpetuating disempowerment of myself due to specific cultural self-definitions as for example within how I’ve defined myself as a female being ‘less worth’ or ‘less valuable’ than a man. A specific word that came up in this context as I’ve also been looking into the point of ‘thinking like a man’ is the word: AMBITION.

In my life I have never been very ambitious. The ambition that I have had has mostly been within and towards illusionary ideals and fantasies about ‘changing the world’ but never as a real expression of myself and certainly not as a word I lived in full measure and scope. Interesting to note here that the word ambition in essence means to ’go around’ – you could say: ‘to make whole’, to drive a point to ‘come full circle’. And this is what I have missed. I’ve been adherent to a principle of doing the bare minimum to get by. This is the exact opposite of ambition. It is in essence about taking life and time and myself for granted. I see how the principle of ‘doing the bare minimum’ is indicative of a particular type of social class; the workers who silently accept their position and understand that jobs are something we do to survive. As ambition is currently defined within the world system, it is something often prescribed to males in how it is a desire to drive oneself to the top, either in business or sports or education, usually involving a drive towards money and power. Being ambitious in this sense also refers to having your ‘eyes on the prize’ or to ‘keep your eyes on the ball’ which in essence means that as you are pursuing your ambition in life, you do not allow yourself to be distracted or diverted from whatever you have sat your eyes on achieving. There is also within ambition in this sense an expectation towards self encouraged by parents and other adults that one then come to integrate into the driving force of one’s life. Ambition thus also is a part of a specific cultural programming that is instilled into some whereas others such as myself are not programmed to be ambitious. Ambition is not a word I have heard even once growing up and I was most certainly not encouraged to be ambitious with school or work or sports or anything of the like. I do see that there in my family has been a desire to rise in the ranks of society, but it was never something explicit or a definitive goal. Instead the emphasis has been on becoming ‘happy’ and on simply getting by as best as possible. As I grew up I even started to glorify anti-ambition, as I was part of an antagonistic sub-culture that saw mainstream society as repressive and suffocating towards real artistic expression. But interestingly enough, I also never fully embraced that life-path. I had a lot of self-aggrandizing ideas about myself for sure, but in reality I’ve always sought to do the bare minimum with whatever I was doing. In many ways it has been a curse because certain things came easy to me and so I didn’t have to push myself very hard to get by. It became an art form to always make it through with the least amount of effort. But now I have placed myself in a position where I have actually started expanding myself and I see how ambition as a virtue alongside other virtues such as discipline would assist me to embrace my full potential and how extensively I’ve limited myself and my opportunities in life by adhering to this principle of only always doing the bare minimum. I have, throughout the past 5 years started to push myself and even in pushing just a little bit I have seen that I am capable of so much more than what I ever thought was possible. It makes me wonder what I am capable of where I to give something my all. With teaching and with my work with Desteni I have certainly done it to a large extent, but I know in self-honesty that it is possible for me to push more, to expand more, that I have most certainly not pushed myself to the utmost of my potential. I have circled around this point for quite some time, looking at what exactly the problem is. Is it laziness? Is it simply that I haven’t been trained in self-discipline and perseverance? Or is it that I don’t value myself and therefore do not have ambition? Because I see how within the world system definition of Ambition there is a sense of pride, self-respect and a confidence involved in the word Ambition. You cannot be ambitious if you don’t believe in yourself. You cannot pursue that which you are ambitious towards without self-respect and perseverance. If you don’t trust yourself or value yourself, you won’t even consider something like ambition, because ambition implies that you know that you are able to make more of yourself than what you currently exist as. I realize that ambition when the fear and desire is stripped away and it no longer is charged with positive and negative feelings and emotions is that decision to push oneself to live and become one’s utmost potential. Ambition is the ability to see what is potentially possible and to have the courage, the self-will and the drive to go for it no matter what. I see a lot of what is possible but interestingly enough, it is a lot easier for me to see for the world system or for other people than it is to see for myself. It could have to do with the fact that I’ve always only existed in a negative self-definition and in positive but illusory ideas of myself. I’m not accustomed to identifying, standing by and embracing my own real strengths and there is definitely something daunting towards doing that, as a line that, once crossed can never be restored. There is an obscure idea of ‘freedom within the cage’ involved in being deliberately unambitious, because once the limits are no longer accepted as permanent boundaries for one’s movement and ability to expand, one automatically assumes a responsibility to break those limits and I see how this is something I have avoided. I’ve reveled in a freedom of seeing myself as flawed, of liking myself as ‘the little man’. The little man is sympathetic, harmless and most importantly, he is innocent and the unwilling victim of a goliath-like big brother system that can always be blamed and never held accountable. It is in a perverse way, a perfect symbiosis, just like our relationship to the mind.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as inherently unambitious and thus as not having any drive, will or motivation to push myself beyond my current accepted limitations

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define and see it as perfectly acceptable and normal and even positive that I don’t have any ambition to strive to push myself to live and become my utmost potential

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to polarize the word ambition within myself where I’ve on one hand judged it as something that is engrossed in ego, superficiality, power play and greed and on the other have seen and experienced myself as being inferior to and less than ambition and so people who exude ambition and as such separate myself from the word ambition in experiencing myself as being exclude from and excluding myself from living the word ambition

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be satisfied and content with not being ambitious and so not pushing myself or willing myself to excel or live or become my utmost potential within and as having accepted and allowed myself to instead live according to the principle of only doing the bare minimum, on surviving on getting by and through seeing that as freedom from responsibility and so freedom period

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how extensively I’ve equated the word ‘freedom’ with the idea or experience of not having responsibility as that is what I understood, defined and experienced freedom to be as a child – when in fact I start realizing now that real freedom can actually only come from and through absolute self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a positive energetic definition of the word freedom equated as not having responsibility and within that also hold onto a negative definition of the word responsibility as bondage, enslavement and subjugation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that real self-responsibility is the only path to sovereignty and thus freedom, as only when I am the force that drives and moves myself can I make decisions and move myself freely

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the word ‘ambition’ not only because of the negative connotations that I’ve attached to the word but also because I feared that by becoming ambitious I could no longer hide within a stance of not taking responsibility for myself through deliberately only doing the bare minimum and through keeping my expectations to myself down

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can redefine the word ambition to seeing the potential of myself and making the decision to become and live that potential through developing discipline, self-trust, self-will and confidence

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to value my self-imposed delusional idea about freedom as being more valuable and more real than the potential of actual freedom, which I realize now can only exist through me taking absolute responsibility for myself and so for the world I exist in

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how extensively I’ve driven myself according to my idea of freedom through abdication of responsibility and how saturated this idea has become in my life to the point where it literally controls and defines my every move

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the word ambition because I fear actually making the decision that I have the potential to expand myself beyond my limitations because I’ve gotten so ‘comfortable’ in my limited existence and I’ve created a paranoid sense of ownership towards it that I honor and cherish my own limitation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear embracing the word ambition and thus standing within and living the expression of being ambitious with myself and the goals that I set for myself and my life because within doing so I know that I am making the statement that I am capable and I’ve gotten so ‘comfortable’ in deliberately undermining and dismissing myself believing that if I deliberately stay under the radar then I also can’t make mistakes or disappoint anyone or be held accountable – when in fact that is not so as I stand accountable in every moment to all of existence

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself that I fear expanding beyond my current limitations simply because they are ‘the devil I know’ and I know that once I step beyond them and allow myself to accept the fact that I have potential beyond my limitations, I will step into the unknown, the uncreated and I will have to stand alone and create myself and trust myself and most importantly, stand accountable for myself

Self-Commitment and Correction Statement

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts of not being good enough, of accepting myself as flawed and incapable, I stop myself and I take a breath. I realize that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use such thoughts of accepting my self-imposed limitation as a justification and backdoor to remain limited and so in that which has become my comfort zone, to always only do the bare minimum and to never push myself beyond my limits and stick my neck out. I realize that this has been utterly redundant as I am accountable for me even when I am in a state of misery and when I’m flawed and make mistakes. I realize that I cannot continue to make excuses on behalf of myself just so that I can stay in the comfort zone of my self-imposed limitations because I can and I will not accept myself as a guardian of the status quo of abuse in this world which is exactly what I do when I justify limitations and within that create a positive energetic experience of ‘escape’ and ‘freedom’ and ‘safety’. I realize that any and all real moment of creation and authenticity, in however capacity I’ve been able to express it in my life thus far, has come from me daring to step into the unknown. I realize that I’ve held a backdoor open which has manifested itself through me accepting my apparent flaws and limitations through justifying them as ‘who I am’. I realize how it is similar to someone having had their legs broken and who has been sitting in a wheel chair, who’s legs now have healed but who refuses to stand up and walk because one has become comfortable there in the chair, being dependent, being pushed around, not having to make an effort or risk falling. I realize that I have seen what I am capable of when I push myself just a little bit and so that it is absolutely spiteful and egotistical of me to claim a right to myself, to have a comfortable life where I just have to do the bare minimum when I know that I am capable of so much more, that I can be a real force in this existence if I dare to trust myself to do so. Within this I am not even talking about me personally as a ‘special’ individual. We all have this potential. But it has to start with someone. And if I don’t do it, if you don’t do it, if we all just sit here and wait around for someone else to take the lead, the madness and mayhem is just going to continue to escalated unabated and if one thing stands absolutely crystal clear it is that that is absolutely unacceptable. It is unacceptable that children have to suffer when they could thrive and develop their full potential. It is unacceptable that animals have to suffer at the hands of humans, that nature has to suffer, that the elderly has to suffer, that our physical bodies has to suffer – because it is not necessary. That’s why it is unacceptable. If there were nothing we could do it about it, it would be different. But I have seen humans change themselves. I have done it myself. So I know that it is possible. Ambition is to see the potential of what is possible and relentlessly go after it, no matter how many times or in how many ways I fail until I stand. I see that it is possible to stop the abuse. And I see that it is unnecessary to let it continue. And I see how I within every moment, implicitly as well as explicitly, either make the decision to let abuse continue or to stop it. Those are the only two choices we have. And only once we start stopping the abuse can we also begin the healing, the development and creation of a new life, a new way of existing on this planet. This is my commitment to myself. And I will keep making it as long as it is necessary.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Artwork by Alexandra Valenti

Woman, Know Your Worth and Change the World. DAY 299

June 20, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

121 Woman, Know Your Worth and Change the World. DAY 299This post is about self-empowerment of women and the cultural programming that have us all enclosed within invisible fences celebrating the limitations that we accept to define who we are.

This is a continuation from a process that I’ve been walking over several years with many dimensions and realizations along the way. Here are some of the previous posts in this series about cultural and gender programming:

Last Friday I came down with the flu and it happened to be the same day my partner left to work in the South of the country for two months. Spending time home alone being sick gave me the opportunity to have a look at where I stand in my process and also in relation to my partner now not being here for a period of time. Even that point in itself is a bit of a warning bell, because my partner leaving shouldn’t change anything in my process or application because that would imply that my process or who I am is somehow contingent upon my partner being here and thus contingent upon the relationship itself and not simply me here walking my own process, the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. So the point I have been looking at in relation to this is a dimension of complacency that I haven’t yet looked at or taken responsibility for changing within and as myself. What I realized is the following: In many respects on a practical level, I now have the life that I dreamt about as a child growing up. I have a stable relationship with a partner who is financially stable and who has a promising career a head of him. We have a home that I am satisfied with. I have a stable job. So in many ways everything is ’fine’. Things are ’good’. But I also see how I, because of this have ’settled’ within myself in now being satisfied with where things are and where they are heading in terms of my ’mortal life’ so to speak. I see that a consequence of this has been that I have become complacent within my process of Self-Change and transcending the mind because I no longer as I did previously, experience an emergent need to change. In many ways you could say that I have everything that I have always wanted. And so from a particular dimension of self-sabotage I see how there’s a point of plateauing and standing still because I don’t experience it as necessary for me to change. “Why should I change? I have everything I want.” And you know what is so fascinating? That is what the majority of human beings whose lives aren’t based on immediate survival says when presented with the advent of both Self-Change at an existential level and World-Change at a practical level. So actually what I have accessed here is a dimension of myself that was always there, but that I couldn’t face until my life had reached a certain stability where I had obtained certain elements, such as for instance a stable partner, which for me as a female, especially with the way I grew up without a male role model has been of primary importance. I remember that B. even warned me about this once, both in relation to me individually but also in relation to women in general and how this is actually and incremental limitation built into not only our systems, but also our very minds, through which women ‘gladly’ accept themselves to be enslaved. The only thing ‘missing’ from my ‘perfect life’ is a child. And from that perspective I am grateful that I haven’t yet had a child because I might have been even more complacent had I ‘hit the jackpot’ of having a fully ‘normal’ and stable life. See, the problem is that most of the world’s population does not have the luxury and privilege of having such a life. But in our self-interested and self-centered bubbles we don’t see that, we don’t care about that. We aren’t even willing to do anything about it, unless it is OUR children, OUR lives that are being threatened. The catch 22 within all of this though is that it IS OUR children, it IS OUR lives. We are all interconnected and in one way or another, sooner or later, the consequence of what we’re accepting and allowing in this existence would ‘hit’ me personally, either through disease, mental problems or actual physical problems such as unemployment or losing my home. It might not happen in this life time, but then it might happen to my children or to their children as the balance of economies shift and new countries (like China) arise to take the dominant role and countries that before were affluent, become war torn and immersed in poverty and chaos. Looking at this even more existentially, it doesn’t even matter if the tragedy that is the current conditions on earth would or would not hit me at a personal level. The thing is – and this is what I see that I have ignored and only understood at a conscious level, but not within full awareness, that our interconnectedness is not only on a practical level, but also on an existential level. This is thus the essence of the statement that “No one is free until all are free” which means that my apparent ‘perfect life’ is not ‘perfect’ or even ‘good’ or ‘fine’ at a real substantial level, because it is not granted to everyone. This obviously doesn’t mean that I should now deliberately wreck my life and go live in a ditch to be ‘one and equal’ with the people who are really suffering in this world – but it does mean that I am resting on a ’satisfaction’ towards a ’life’ based on self-interest and not on a self-honest consideration of who I am and where I am. See, because my life is relatively stable – it means that I actually have a unique opportunity to expand myself and to also within that be of service to the world as a whole as the larger ’who I am’.

Now in the relation to this entire point, I’ve had quite a few dreams in which my relationship with my partner ended. And I see that all of this has a lot to do with how I’ve programmed myself as a female to be dependent on males, not even as a practical point in my life (I grew up with a single mother) but as an ‘ideal’ situation that I projected myself into in the future. This point came distinctly from movies and stories and books and fairytales as I’ve written about previously. I’ve actually been quite shocked to discover how thoroughly saturated this point has been in my life in quite a ‘natural’ way, meaning that I never even considered it, let alone notice how I was simultaneously programming myself and being programmed. And what I see, as I also mentioned previously, is how ‘perfect’ this programming is of females, from the system’s perspective. Because if we ‘innately’ believe that we’re dependent on males and even romanticize this relationship of dependency within ourselves where, once we ‘get the man’ will settle in a state of complacent ‘security’ and ‘safety’, we’ll never discover our own power and thus won’t empower ourselves. A movie that that specifically triggered this pattern within me was “Pretty woman”. I watched this as the first adult movie I ever watched in a movie theater when I was around 8 or 9. It made a huge impression on me, obviously because I had never watched an adult movie before. So in my mind, I idolized the character played by Julia Roberts and I found the story of how she came together with the character played by Richard Gere, incredibly romantic.

What I find fascinating is that what these movies and stories have in common is how the man saves the woman from an often poor and financially insecure position in life where she is either enslaved to a miserable life like Cindarella or has to turn to prostitution like in Pretty Woman. And I never considered how I have subconsciously reacted to my own financial situation growing up being unstable and how I equated that to my mother being single and thus found a ’solution’ in growing up and finding a man who could save me. This obviously then also coincides with the desire to be beautiful and attractive because that is the single most important characteristic of the woman being saved in the movie/story, besides obviously being sweet and endearing. So subconsciously growing up, I’ve followed an exact and specific storyline where I almost ’instinctively’ knew that if only I could get a man from a ’higher class’ so to speak my life would be settled, I would be secure. What I never realized in that context (because this was all happening at a subconscious and unconscious level) was how I gave up on myself and never even considered that I could have the ability to make a life for myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become complacent in my life and in my process because I have now to a certain degree and extent obtained ‘everything I wanted in life’ – specifically a man with a financially stable future and so without even considering it, have ‘settled’ within myself in a stale form of ‘satisfaction’ which is actually a form of extreme limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to extent my ambition in life only as far as getting a man who through which my life would be optimized and financially stable and secure and within that not realize how extensively I’ve accepted myself as devalued and worthless in and as my own ability to expand and grow and develop myself in my life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize or consider how extensively saturated my life and who I’ve accepted myself as, has been by a specific type of cultural programming of females where I, as a female have without question accepted myself as dependent upon a man to expand myself and secure my life – especially financially and in relation to work and career

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the cultural programming that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to as a female was only symbolic or internal, not realizing how it has quite literally affected my decisions and the life path that I have taken within and through how I have existed in an integral self-devaluation and subsequent obscure form of valuation of myself as a female

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, by defining and accepting myself as a female and by defining and accepting being female as being less valuable, less worthy and entirely dependent on male, limit myself and my ambitions in life to an extreme degree – where I even celebrated and idolized my own self-confinement and enslavement

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear taking my life into my own hands because I have existed in such an inherent state of worthlessness and devaluation that I accepted and allowed to encompass and define the bounds of my being simply by defining myself as female

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attach a definition of being weak, worth-less, devalued and dependent onto the word ‘female’ as an inherent part of the word – instead of realizing that these characteristics are not defining what a female is, but how we as females have been defined and have defined ourselves within a polarized and unequal culture

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how programmed and conditioned that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become through defining myself as a female and thus through identifying with female characters in movies and books, thus believing that whatever is presented as female automatically in some way or another defines who I am or who I should or shouldn’t be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted to not realize how virtually all of my choices within my life has been saturated and defined by a story-line that I have automatically aligned myself with, like an undercurrent that I always navigated myself according to un- and subconsciously without realizing it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being successful, ambitious and obtaining a financially secure and stable life is not contingent upon being male or as a female being dependent on a male – it is contingent upon practical decisions and self-movement of myself based on self-worth, self-value, self-trust, self-discipline and self-confidence – that in essence has nothing to do with gender (although obviously some points in the system are gender-based still)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have the ability to become financially stable and secure through my own actions and through being self-sufficient in educating myself on how the world system works, how the employment and business market works and according align myself to where I best see myself fit to make a life for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself to be enslaved to, conditioned by and limited through a belief that I, as a woman am intrinsically less worth, less able, less valuable, less intelligent and less strong than a man and so thereby accept myself as being automatically dependent on a man to create a secure and financially stable life for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to celebrate my own self-limitation, enslavement and devaluation of myself in my accepted roles as a woman being dependent on a man, where I’ve simply felt content and satisfied but where I’ve also stagnated and stopped moving and pushing myself beyond my limits

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to celebrate and fantasize about ‘just being a mother’ or ‘just being a housewife’ and how I would see that as being truly ‘fulfilling’ for me and my life – not realizing how I within and as this, was accepting and celebrating myself AS the brainwashing, AS the character of the devalued and dependent female and how I was satisfied within it, because it meant that I wouldn’t have to confront my fear or risk failure – as the main responsibility for my life would be on the male whom I’d made myself dependent on

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become complacent within my acceptance of myself as a woman dependent on a man – not realizing how this complacency was created through a form of hiding where I didn’t have to take any chances or risks or even responsibility for my own life or situation, because I had projected that onto the man in my life, my partner and thereby could ‘settle’ within my ‘enclosure’ of self-limitation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming self-sustained, self-sufficient, self-worthy, self-valued, self- and independent and self-empowered because I within that also would risk and be confronted with my fears, with failure, with making mistakes, with having to stand up for myself, in essence: with having to stand responsible for myself and my own life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become complacent and lazy within and as being satisfied with where my life is at, at the moment, not realizing how the part of me that is satisfied, is a programmed personality and character, a limited self-definition based on an acceptance and identification of what it means to be a woman, when in fact – I, as a being, I as an individual, I as an equal in this world, am no where near satisfied. In fact – most of me, as this world, is still existing in immense suffering and enslavement and so I stand by and I commit myself to honor the words that “No one is free until all are free” and so also “No one is satisfied, until everyone is satisfied.” – this doesn’t mean that I cannot be satisfied with where my life is at, at the moment in one dimension – but it certainly also doesn’t mean that I will accept and allow myself to stand still and be complacent and not move or push myself to do everything in my power to create a life where every single being and creature in this existence is free, satisfied and empowered in any and all way possible. That is the measure of perfection that we are working with here – that is real ambition.

Self-Corrective Statements

So – the question that I am asking myself now that I have seen this pattern of complacency within myself is the following: How am I going to live this realization into a practical living change of ‘who I am’?

I realize that a primary aspect of changing this point within myself has to do with changing how and what I value in and of myself – and as such also with integrating and incorporating words and aspects into who I am and how I live that I haven’t yet lived or stood equal to. The complacency that I’ve talked about in this blog-post is more like an undercurrent that affects how I move – and especially how I don’t move myself in my world and reality, than it is manifested in particular thought patterns for example. One example is for example how I handle and deal with money and money-related matters where I’ve often left it up to my partner and have simply accepted that “I’m not good with that kind of stuff.” I also see how there particular points in my life that I’ve depended on my partner to take care of based on this division of labor and value between the sexes. I realize – but have yet to live – that I am equally valuable and can equally contribute to a safe and stable life as my partner.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to slack and not take responsibility for matters regarding money and finances in my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent on my partner when it comes to money and that I’ve justified myself as being ‘bad’ at dealing with money – instead of taking equal and self-responsibility for the money matters in my life. This obviously does not mean that my partner and I cannot divide responsibilities between us according to who’s more naturally skilled within certain points, but simply that this division shouldn’t be based on a preprogrammed limitation based on gender-roles. I commit myself to stop defining myself as ‘naturally’ less-worthy, less valuable, less capable, less strong, less intelligent and less able than my partner. I realize that I am a Being first and foremost and that the definition that I’ve accepted of myself as being female, has nothing to do with what it means to be female in fact and that this definition is a preprogrammed cultural limitation that has ensured that I have remained within limitation, that I have even celebrated and honored this limitation and thus prevented me from realizing and living my true potential and thus fully participating in changing the world to a place that is best for all. I commit myself to from this moment forward begin living the realization that my value is equal to that of any other Being and that being female does not define or place limits for Who I am or what my potential is. I commit myself to thus burst and break these limits that I have placed for myself through deliberately choosing a life path that I was in no way preprogrammed to walk and through which I can empower, not only my own life but the life of others. I commit myself to take responsibility for the money matters in my life. And I realize that everything I need to empower and enable myself to effectively take care of finances and to become successful in whatever endeavor I commit to is to educate myself and purify myself.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by specifically being unambitious in slacking and going into cowardice and retreating out of fear of failing or making mistakes, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is through such actions that I diminish and devalue myself and my own worth and reversely that I can empower myself through respecting and disciplining myself, through taking my potential in this life seriously. I also realize that one of the reasons why I’ve never been ambitious or taken myself seriously in terms of pushing myself to perfection, to my utmost potential, is because I’ve subconsciously accepted myself as inherently less worthy and devalued. I realize that for me to start valuing myself, I have to make myself valuable to me. I have to live the realization for it to become the expression of who I am. I am not suddenly going to wake up one morning and be all self-empowered and self-worthy – I am going to have to do that through honoring the potential and inherent value of myself, as who I am, as a unique and individual being and expression in this existence. If I don’t take myself seriously, who will? If I don’t value myself, who will? If I don’t empower myself, who will? So I commit myself to push myself to start incorporating self-value and self-respect into my life and living and to remind myself every time I want to slack and give in and give up that this is coming from a starting-point of devaluing myself and that I don’t have to live that way, and also that I have a responsibility – to the rest of this existence who I am a part of and who is a part of me, especially in this context all the other females who have lived this exact same pattern of self-devaluation and diminishment – to become an example of what it means to be empowered, enabled and self-reliant.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Artwork by Alexandra Valenti

 

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