I Can’t Get No Satisfaction: DAY 284

Throughout my process and my life in general, a prominent point that I have experienced has been dis

Practical Tools to Stop Thoughts Spinning Out of Control: DAY 283

There has been times in my process where I have become extremely possessed by certain specific thoug

Never Mind: DAY 282

As we walk our process in the journey to life, a key-element is to stand equal to the mind. We canno

 

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction: DAY 284

April 19, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

TE LM17699 Dissatisfied hr2 1024x737 I Can’t Get No Satisfaction: DAY 284Throughout my process and my life in general, a prominent point that I have experienced has been dissatisfaction. I only recently, through being assisted and supported to see these points by another, understood that the point isn’t so much about the points that I am dissatisfied about, but the state of dissatisfaction that I have created myself into and as. What I mean is that until recently I have only been focused on the points that I was dissatisfied about. I hadn’t realized that I have existed in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction towards multiple points in my life. The point that I’d like to share here and further investigate for myself is that the ‘problem’ isn’t in fact being dissatisfied, but that I have connected emotional reactions to this dissatisfaction. What I was assisted to see as I chatted to someone else about it, is that dissatisfaction actually can be quite cool and can be a tool that one can use to push oneself to expand and improve. Because such an expression will assist one to not become complacent or stop in one’s process of self-expansion but to instead constantly push oneself further and beyond what one could have ever imagined.

Instead I made the equation in my mind that dissatisfaction = there is something wrong = there is something wrong with me/someone else = that is bad lol.

And then I stopped and I stayed there, in that headspace of being dissatisfied, constantly thinking about this thing or this point being wrong, being a problem being something that should be fixed – without actually moving myself to a point of change or correction.

Let’s take an example to illustrate this point: Let’s say that I am dissatisfied with my sleeping patterns. I have been oversleeping, waking up later than I would prefer to and I am seeing this in self-honesty based on an understanding of how much sleep is required for the physical to rest as opposed to how much sleep the mind requires to regenerate itself in the body. And I am seeing this based also on an understanding that when I oversleep it is usually due to a point that I am avoiding and suppressing within me. (In rare occasions there can also be physically points causing the body to need additional sleep). So this is the reason why I oversleep. Now, to support this pattern of self-sabotage the mind uses sub-patterns of self-sabotage like laziness and self-manipulation. So within being dissatisfied with my sleeping patterns, what I have then done is to take it personally and to for example blame and judge myself for being lazy. I didn’t for example take the point through to self-investigation of in self-honesty asking myself what it is in my life that I am trying to avoid by over-sleeping. So the dissatisfaction can be a point of self-honesty of simply not being satisfied with a point of application and then utilizing that reference of expression that ‘something’s not sitting right’ to investigate, correct and expand oneself. Or as I have used dissatisfaction, it can be a limitation where I stop myself and I don’t move myself beyond the point of dissatisfaction because I take the point that I am dissatisfied personally and react to it, through judgment or blame.

Let me give an example also of where the dissatisfaction is constructive to show the difference between the two forms of dissatisfaction:

In am very particular about how I like and enjoy my house to be. I prefer when everything in the house has its optimal practical space and place and I thoroughly enjoy when I find an optimal solution when it comes to furniture or appliances. So I will, from time to time look around the house and observe how things are placed and how my partner, our cats and I are living and interacting with these things and accordingly I will look at whether there is a more optimal way to place things in alignment to each other. It could for example be moving a lamp to provide better reading for my partner when he is studying in the sofa because I have noticed that he has to turn on another lamp to get an optimal reading light. Here I see that it isn’t practically optimal to have to turn on an additional lamp and so I go searching for solutions that can make the studying space more practical. And I have found that there usually is an optimal way to place things in such a way that daily life can run smoothly and in a nice flow for everyone living together. In this example I am using my dissatisfaction constructively to see how I can optimize my living space and I am even doing so within an expression of self-enjoyment because I enjoy living in a space where everything is practical, handy and run smoothly. So I move directly from dissatisfaction to solution and I don’t stop until I am satisfied with the solution I have come up with. Sometimes it involves buying or building new things. Other times the living space simply doesn’t allow for an absolute optimal solution or I cannot afford the solution I see would be best, so instead I have to come up with the best or most optimal in consideration of the current practical situation. The difference is that I don’t become emotional about it. I don’t blame the things for not being optimally situated; I don’t blame myself for not having placed things in an optimal way. I simply see that something could work better or more practical and then I find a solution that I am satisfied with. Often I will even after having come up with an optimal solution, see how I can make it even more optimal and this is a fun exercise. The result of this process is that my home is comfortable to live in, not only for myself but also for the other beings that I live with.

So what I see is that I have to change my starting-point of dissatisfaction when it comes to personal and internal points to be of an equal practical nature. What I am also seeing, now that I am writing this out is that when it comes to the practical points, I actually always find a solution and like I said, I don’t stop until I am satisfied. So what this shows is that my definition of myself as being ‘always dissatisfied’ is simply not valid. Because when it comes to these more internal and personal points I simply haven’t moved myself to focus on the solution and on making myself satisfied as a natural movement and expression of myself. Instead I have accepted the situation or point or myself within it as dissatisfying and then I have stopped there and stayed there, going: “this is so dissatisfying!” But without actually doing anything substantial about it, because my entire focus was on PROBLEM instead of: SOLUTION.

It is cool when we have a practical reference of how to live points effectively, like I’ve showed here in relation to being dissatisfied with practical points and then immediately looking for a solution, because it shows that I do have the capability of making myself satisfied, of moving myself beyond the initial point of dissatisfaction. So I have a blue-print of what it means to utilize dissatisfaction practically that I can apply onto the personal and internal points of dissatisfaction while I also take the emotional reaction out of my relationship to seeing points within me that I am dissatisfied with.

So the commitment that I am making here is to, when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react emotionally to a point that I see within me that I am dissatisfied with, to stop and breathe and to immediately bring myself to a point of practical self-correction, to investigate a solution and to not stop until I am satisfied or I see that the point has been optimally resolved. I realize that there isn’t in fact a difference between directing and finding solutions for practical points in my daily life and directing and finding solutions for points I am facing within my mind. The difference is that I have taken my mind personally and I have moralized the point of not being satisfied. If I were to flip it around it would be similar to someone growing up learning to keep a perfect home from their mother for example and then creating an emotional relationship to keeping a perfect home. They then might develop emotional reactions and blame themselves and take it personally when their home wasn’t perfect, whereas for me, it is my relationship with the mind that I have reacted to and taken personally. And as I mentioned in a previous blog, I see how this has to do with me creating certain expectations of myself as well as having held onto an idealized image and definition of myself that was entirely unrealistic and illusional. So within letting that go and allowing myself to be with, support and face myself Here in self-honesty, I can then begin utilizing dissatisfaction practically to assist and support myself to expand myself and to create myself as an optimal living space. So for example in relation to the point of oversleeping, it would be to then go back and investigate what points in the recent days/weeks that I have been avoiding and suppressing looking at within myself and then sitting myself down, writing them out and applying self-forgiveness and then also implementing a corrective action of self-discipline and determination towards getting up in the morning or for example change my alarm clock or when I go to sleep at night to further assist and support myself to solve the point.

Practial problems have practical solutions – which means that they can be solved. Mental problems only exist in the mind and therefore go round and round with no resolve. As such, I also realize that solving points that I am dissatisfied with in/as the mind is to look at the points practically, exactly as I do with my physical living space and then accordingly prescribe a corrective application for myself that I can utilize to resolve the point optimally.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Artwork by Tracy Emin

 I Can’t Get No Satisfaction: DAY 284

favicon I Can’t Get No Satisfaction: DAY 284 I Can’t Get No Satisfaction: DAY 284favicon I Can’t Get No Satisfaction: DAY 284 I Can’t Get No Satisfaction: DAY 284

Practical Tools to Stop Thoughts Spinning Out of Control: DAY 283

April 18, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

preview 794x1024 Practical Tools to Stop Thoughts Spinning Out of Control: DAY 283There has been times in my process where I have become extremely possessed by certain specific thought and reaction patterns, in my case specifically paranoia towards what other people thought about me, mistakes I had done in the past as well as regrets about how I had acted or how situations had played out. The thoughts were literally spinning out of control. I would repeat the same thoughts, the same backchat and the same paranoia over and over in my head to the point where I could barely function because it was all that existed within me. During this time I desperately tried to ‘make things right’ but no matter what I did, I couldn’t and I felt like I had this ‘dark cloud’ hanging over me that was ‘tainting’ and overshadowing everything I did and everything I was. I repeated the events of what had happened over and over in my head and I would lay awake in the night thinking about what these other people were maybe possibly thinking about me and how I could somehow fix the situation. It was like I was stuck in a loop, having a track of paranoia on repeat in my mind and while I was in it I fully believed it to be real to the point where it literally consumed me. It affected me physically in such a way that I became lightheaded, like being wrapped in cotton, where I couldn’t fully participate in reality, because it was like a constant ‘buzz’ going on within me, with all my focus going to these thoughts of paranoia.

I will share here how I eventually assisted and supported myself to walk out of the paranoia and back into reality.

There were three points that specifically assisted me:

1. Writing

During the time where I was most extensively posessed with thoughts of regret, I was resisting writing and I didn’t even write at all. When I eventually started pushing myself to writing again, I would write 2 or 3 sentences and then quickly give up and delete the document, claiming within myself that I didn’t know what to write or how to support myself through writing. I felt like everything that came out of me was just shit. This went on for many months. I could literally see how I was stuck in a loop and I realized that I would be stuck in this loop, perhaps forever, if I didn’t push myself to move out of it. When I looked at my life and what would happen if I remained in the state of mind that I was in, I could see exactly the ‘path’ I would take, how miserable my life would be, how I would exist in this state of regret for the rest of my life. And as much as I resisted changing, I couldn’t bear setting myself up for a life of misery, especially when I, in the back of my head knew that there were tools I could use to support myself, such as writing. So I decided to write every day. And I decided that I wouldn’t expect anything ‘amazing’ from my writings. I wasn’t going for profound insights. I simply needed to get back on ‘the horse’ so to speak first and foremost. Perfecting my ‘riding skills’ could come later. So I brought myself back to the basics of simply writing. I took points that were happening in my life, real concrete moments and situations where I had for example reacted in conversations with other people, and I wrote about it. It assisted me because it was tangible and not overwhelming. I knew that I could at least do that much. I wrote perhaps one or two pages every day. Eventually as I got into the momentum of writing every day, the resistance subsided and for the first time in fact in several years, I could enjoy writing again. With this tool of self-support, it is important however that one doesn’t simply use it to get a mental ‘load off’ where one is just ‘unburdening’ oneself but without giving one’s thoughts practical direction. Because what can happen here is that the mind takes over and actually uses the writing to further integrate the mind possession even further where one will start writing to confirm and validate one’s thoughts and experiences. So this is an important point to be self-honest about and to be very specific and directive as one write that: “My starting-point is to assist and support myself to the utmost of my capabilities and self-honesty.”

2. Speaking to others

The second point that assisted me was to speak with others about what I was experiencing. I am not talking about randomly sharing my paranoid thoughts with people because I have most definitely found that to be ineffective. But with certain specific people whose perspectives I trust to be commonsensical and supportive, I allowed myself to open up, to be vulnerable and to share what was really going on within me. Often I did so, only after they had reached out to me, because within this complete state of paranoid possession I was in, I had a lot of ideas about how other people saw me and ironically as I thought about them rejecting me and excluding me and pushing me away, I was the one who isolated myself and deliberately did not contact anyone. So fortunately enough, a couple of times it happened that someone reached out to me and asked: “what’s going on?” or “what’s happening with you?” or simply: “how are you?” and in those moment I made a decision to share what was going on with me, because I could see that I required support, even though I still believed my paranoid thoughts to be real. So when I shared what I was experiencing, I was fully expecting them to agree with me and to see things they way I was or to even act out in the way I was expecting them to, of judging me or rejecting me. But instead what would happen is that they would either be very gentle with me or they would point out that what I was experiencing was ridiculous and completely fabricated and they would tell me to get real lol – or they would completely ignore that which I thought and believed to be the ‘real problem’ and would instead show me an entirely different side of things. The effect that all of these forms of support had on me was that it, for a moment ‘shook’ me out of my ‘paranoia bubble’, like I was standing outside of ‘myself’ (because I’d come to identify so much with the paranoia that I accepted it as who I was). And many times with this support, I experienced extensive resistance to hearing what the other person was saying and I experienced a refusal within me to accept that what they were saying was real. So it was in a way like being slingshot out of my paranoia bubble and then sling shooting myself straight back into it by, in my mind coming up with all kinds of reasons why I couldn’t trust that what they were saying was real and true. The thoughts could for example circle around how they were trying to trick me or how they were just saying something to make me feel better or that they didn’t know what they were talking about because “I know myself best.” – So sometimes I would just return to my little ‘cozy’ bubble of paranoia and other times the chats assisted me by really shaking me out of it, so that I could stand next to my possession and see it for what it was. So what is important when applying this tool of self-support is to allow oneself to open up and to really listen to what the other person is saying and to self-honestly for oneself asses what is being said and whether it makes sense or not. If it does – one has no more excuses to keep entertaining the thoughts.

3. Stopping the Thoughts

The final and perhaps most important point of support that I gave to myself in relation to this all-encompassing possession of paranoia, was to stop my thoughts. Now – this point I only got to once I was run out of all other ideas. It was like I just couldn’t let it go. And frankly, there was a part of me that didn’t want to. I had talked to others, I had understood on an intellectual level that what I was experiencing wasn’t real, but I still wanted to believe it to be real, even though I caused myself too much emotional pain. So I actually decided to somewhat ‘fake it till you make it’ in the sense that I deliberately ‘ignored ’ my belief in these thoughts, even though I still believed them to be true. I did so through bringing myself back to the basic tools shared by Desteni, where I asked myself and literally spoke to myself out loud while out taking a walk: “Ok, I am totally fucked, I don’t know what is real and not real anymore. I feel completely lost. So let me bring myself back to basics. What is the most basic thing that I know? That my thoughts aren’t real and that only the physical is.” – Now at this point I was still fully immersed in the thoughts. But I pushed myself to this point of common sense because I was so miserable and tired and almost nauseated with my own state of mind that I simply couldn’t stand it any longer. So from this realization – this deliberate application of physically speaking common sense to myself, I start stopping participation in the thoughts of paranoia. So every time (which was constantly initially) the thoughts would come up, I would stop. Or I would say: “stop, NO, I’m not gonna go there.” And even though I wanted to go there and I wanted to think about what others thought about me and I came up with all kinds of reasons why I should participate in these thoughts, I pushed myself to stop. And to stop. And to stop. And to stop. And I kept doing this for several days. And surprisingly quickly it got easier and I didn’t feel as ‘foggy’ inside my head and the thoughts didn’t seem as appealing or as demanding as they did before. It took me quite some time, but eventually I managed to stop the thoughts completely, not by any ‘miracle cure’ or magic trick, no – I simply stopped my ‘train of thought’ every time I saw it coming up within me. Reminding myself of how I knew exactly how my life would play out if I continued down this path assisted me to stand strong in my decision of stopping. And what happened very quickly as I stopped the thoughts, was that the energy dissipated that I had smothered myself in through the paranoia. It was like having a choking cold hand lifted from my throat and finally I was able to breathe again. And once the energy lifted, I could start seeing the thoughts for what they were: a deliberate self-sabotage mechanism. They had never been real! I had lured myself into a trap by allowing myself to engage in and entertain the thoughts in the first place. And by me giving them validation and believing them to be real, even insisting to myself and others that they were real, I fueled and fueled and fueled the possession within me until it literally – for a moment – became everything that I was.

So for anyone being trapped in the same or a similar mind possession, a point to realize is that by entertaining such thoughts you are distracting yourself from focusing on what really matters: your own process with yourself. Because what is happening as you are giving your undivided attention to these thoughts? That is all you’re focusing on! You aren’t focusing on real solutions, because you haven’t even considered that the real problem is not what you think it is in your mind, but the fact that you’ve abdicated yourself to thoughts in the first place!

It’s thus about breaking that veil and mind-possession and to realize that it isn’t real and that it is a deliberate self-sabotage mechanism. So what is required is an active intervention where one pushes oneself to stop participation in these thoughts. For me, this was the only solution. Once I stopped participating in the thoughts, the energy dissipated and I could see the pattern for what it was and start bringing myself back to reality and common sense.

Even though it feels real, it is important that you push yourself to stop every time you see your mind going into such thought patterns and paranoia. Even though you don’t want to stop and even though there are thoughts coming up saying that you shouldn’t stop them – give yourself the chance to do it anyway. If they thoughts were truly reflecting reality, as it really exists, you won’t be able to ‘get rid of them’ by stopping participation in them right? So what’s the harm? Stopping the thoughts will assist to discharge the energy so that you can stop the paranoia and see these thoughts for what they are: a self-sabotage mechanism through which you’re preventing yourself from actually walking your process and changing yourself and the points within you that you see require correction.

Another tip someone gave me once, which was more directed towards stopping thoughts in general and bringing oneself back to the physical, is to constantly bring one’s attention to what one can physically see, hear and touch. I have found that this works especially well with such thoughts that are starting to spin out of control. Focus on any text you can see around you, any sign or text like ‘mailbox’ or ‘advertisement’ – read them out loud to yourself. Another tip is to focus on being present in one’s finger tips and toes, really feeling yourself in and as the fingers and toes, focus on how it feels to touch the ground or touch a table with your hands, reminding yourself that: “I am here, I am physical.”

Finally what I suggest as a part of the emergency kid for when thoughts really spin out of control is to go and do something physical. When I have experienced myself being completely lost in the mind and feeling like I am about to loose it or go mad or where I can’t see what is up or down anymore – doing something physical can be the most supportive tool possible. It doesn’t matter what you do; take a walk is one of my favorites and keep walking until you’ve walked yourself out of your mind-possession (obviously make sure you aren’t a danger to yourself or others in traffic). Do the dishes, pet a dog, have sex, take a shower – whatever works for you.

If you would like additional support, you are welcome to join us at the Desteni forum where people who are walking their process and have walked through similar points as I have described here, are available 24/7 to give perspectives and support unconditionally. There is also a supercool online course called Desteni I Process Lite, which is a free course that you walk with yourself with the assistance of an online buddy where you learn how to utilize writing to assist and support yourself in your process of self-expansion and self-realization. You are also welcome to join us on Facebook where we daily support each other with common sense perspectives and insights.

 Practical Tools to Stop Thoughts Spinning Out of Control: DAY 283

 

Never Mind: DAY 282

April 17, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

her golden cage    by chryssalis d4lhz29 Never Mind: DAY 282As we walk our process in the journey to life, a key-element is to stand equal to the mind. We cannot direct the mind and thus stop existing as minions to the mind if we are not equal to it. There are two aspects of this point of standing equal to the mind that I will be exploring in this post. One is the level of specificity and diligence required when working with the mind and the other is how we see, relate to and interact with the mind.

The reason why I am writing about these two aspects of standing equal to the mind has to do with what I have recently noticed in my process. I have noticed for example that I tend to ‘brush off’ thoughts and experiences that comes up within me, often with the excuse and justification that I’m in the middle of something and that I don’t have time to stop what I am doing to sit down and write self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements. So instead – I tend to ‘let it slide’. What this means is that I don’t direct what comes up in/as/through the mind effectively, that I suppress it and it eventually has consequences in for example accumulating back chat or becoming emotionally possessed. The other example is where, when I see something about myself and how/who I am within/as the mind that I don’t like or find embarrassing or shameful and I then go into self-judgment, taking what I see personally and again suppress myself or go into an emotional reaction. Within this I have seen that I tend to see myself-as-the-mind as a ‘flaw’, as a ‘flawed’ version of myself that ‘shouldn’t be there’, thus indicating that I have expectations towards myself that I am not meeting. This is interestingly enough happening in and through the mind, thus showing how we will within/as the mind even attack ourselves and in this state of mind believe that we’re coming from a ‘elevated’ perspective – when in fact these reactions shows that one has not moved oneself out of the mind. These two examples show how, when one does not stand equal to/with/as the mind, one is giving the mind ‘free reign’ and is thus also defining and accepting oneself AS the mind, instead of directing the mind AS Self where the mind becomes a virtual tool, like an app on a computer that isn’t meant to override the computer’s basic functions but to instead be an added program that supports the basic functioning of the computer.

So I will here be applying self-forgiveness in relation to these two examples of not standing equal to the mind – so that I can align myself to stand equal to the mind and as such direct the mind as myself in equality and unconditional self-support.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, experience and define the mind as a flawed part of myself, a broken part of myself, a dysfunctional part of myself, an evil and wrong part of myself that shouldn’t exist and that I have to disassociate myself from to not get ’tainted’ and ’corrupted’ when in fact the mind is so integrated into and as me that the mind is all I have become and existed as, it’s not ’a part’ of me and the mind is in essence simply a tool, a virtual reality simulator that in itself isn’t flawed, or broken or evil or wrong, because let’s face it: the mind is working just fine. It is how I have programmed myself within and as it that isn’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge the mind for who and what I have become within and through my participation in the mind and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project the responsibility for who and what I have become onto the mind and thus abdicate responsibility for myself – when I am in fact responsible for the mind as the mind could not exist without my permission and active participation in and as it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as the mind within and as perceiving and experiencing and defining the mind as a separate entity or a separate part of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself for who and what I have become as the mind – as self-interest, as ego, as superiority, as emotion and feeling and as being addicted to energy without any consideration for life – not realizing that within blaming and judging myself I am separating myself from myself and thus disempowering myself to change because I am abdicating responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become embarrassed and ashamed and to judge and blame myself when I see aspects of myself that I don’t like and that I would prefer not to associate myself with, not realizing how this experience towards my mind indicate that I’ve separated myself from these aspects of myself and that I am existing in a delusion of expectation towards myself of being ’more than’ and ’better than ’who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become in fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to an ideal image and expectation of how and who I think and believe that I should be and then when I expose sides of myself or aspects of myself that isn’t in accordance with this image, I react and judge myself and blame myself because I’m not living up to my own ideal of how I should be – not realizing that this ideal isn’t real, that what is here is here, whether I like it or not and that whatever I accept and allow to exist within and as me is in fact ‘who’ I am – and not an ideal image or expectation that I’ve created towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I create idealized expectation of who and how I am supposed to be, I am not in fact ’in touch’ with myself as the reality of who and what I am here and that I create internal conflict within myself and start separating myself from what in fact is here and that I cannot then face what is here and move with and as myself in self-honesty and self-support because I’ve created a delusional and unrealistic definition of myself that I cannot live in reality and thus corner myself in an ’impossible’ situation because I cannot live the ideal and I won’t admit the reality of me here to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize my relationshipt to myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idealized image of who and what I believe I am supposed to be and then when reality does not live up to this ideal, I start blaming reality and judging reality negatively because it doesn’t live up to my expecations, instead of realizing that it was my expectations that was unaligned with reality and not the other way around

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize and that I haven’t brought myself to the realization that there is no place or person that I am ’supposed to be’ – and that what is here is here and that is all I have to direct, that is all I can direct – and so when I created this idealized image of myself I actually disempower myself to see myself as who and what I am here in fact and thus disempower and sabotage my opportunity to change, correct and expand myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize ideals constructively in using them as practical guidelines for how I see it would be cool to expand myself and how I see I can expand my potential, instead of using them as positive polarities that I compare myself to and then judge myself negatively in comparison to and therefore actually miss the point of expanding myself entirely

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a habit and a pattern of letting thoughts and emotions ’slide’ where I use the excuse and the justification within my mind that I don’t have time or that I am too busy to sit down and write the point out, when I can in fact simply take a moment to myself to breathe, have a look at the thought or experience in self-honesty and then correct myself immediately within the moment, direct the thought or experience, forgive and release it and take responsibility for it and then return to what I was working with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself and to deceive myself into believing that it is ’okay’ and ’harmless’ to let thoughts and emotions ’slide’ – where I see them coming up and then push them away with the excuse that I don’t have time to look at them or direct them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or admit to myself that letting thoughts or emotions ’slide’ is not harmless, because I have seen the consequences of what happens when I do, where one thought picks up another and gains ’momentum’ and sooner or later I’ll go into an emotional possession or a reaction which means that I separate myself from myself here in and as the physical and abdicate myself to the mind which has additional consequences for my physical body as well as for other people in my reality and my general participation

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am judging what comes up within me as a ‘flaw’, as ‘bad’, as ‘wrong’ and negative because it does not live up to my expectation of how and who I believe I should be – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here. Because I realize that I’m judging myself because I’m comparing myself to an ideal expectation in my mind that doesn’t have anything to do with reality. Therefore I commit myself to let go of and to stop this ideal expectation of myself so that I can remain here with me in reality and direct whatever comes up within me in unconditional self-support. And I commit to stop judging what comes up within me as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ or ‘flawed’. I realize that it is what it is – and whatever comes up within me, is my responsibility, my creation because I have accepted and allowed it to exist within and as me as myself. I commit myself to stop blaming my mind and seeing my mind as something that exists outside and separate from me, because I realize that I am my mind and I am responsible for my mind and I can’t just get rid of my ‘flaws’ or push them away from myself – because nothing is going to change until I change myself.

When and as I see a thought or an experience come up within me, where I see that I go into the thought and backchat of pushing it away, I stop myself and I breathe and I give myself a moment to direct myself, to forgive, release and correct myself. I realize that I’ve been lying to myself and deceiving myself into believing and convincing myself that letting thoughts and emotions ‘slide’ is harmless when I know for a fact that they are not and that letting thoughts and emotions slide is an act of abdicating responsibility and if I accept and allow that in one moment, I open the door to accept and allow that in all moments and in the next moment and thus I realize how important it is to direct the thoughts and experiences as they come up. As such I commit myself to become diligent with directing thoughts and experiences in the moment and I commit myself to stop making excuses and justifications for letting thoughts and emotions ‘slide’. I realize that there is no such thing as letting points slide. Every moment is a moment of creation. As such I commit myself to stop letting points slide. I realize that it is going to take practice to stop doing because this has become quite an integrated habit – but I commit myself to diligently practice directing points in the moment until it becomes a natural habit.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 Never Mind: DAY 282

Changing a Non-Commitment Clause to an Absolute Commitment: DAY 281

April 13, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Making Better DecisionsElegant Equations 1024x614 Changing a Non Commitment Clause to an Absolute Commitment: DAY 281Is it possible to make decisions without making an absolute commitment to walk them through?

I am continuing from the previous post where I investigated my relationship to decisions and decision-making. Here I am thus investigating the aspect of decision-making that has to do with making commitments to walking a decision through and the consequences of not doing so.

I have found within myself a tendency to not commit myself to fully to projects, people, decisions and other points in my reality that requires a commitment to work effectively. I have now seen the result of a process of commitment, of making a simple decision to dedicate oneself to something and how much one can expand oneself and how simple it becomes to walk a decision once a commitment is in place. So based on this, I now have a baseline for and an understanding of the importance of making commitments. Just now a memory popped up of when I was a child and how I loved swimming in the ocean even when it was cold. Because I had already made the decision to swim, it was as easy as taking off my clothes and walking into the water, no matter the temperature. But when I got older I became more complacent and was not as much here within my self-expression and physical body and so I would say I wanted to swim, but when I got to the beach and it was cold and freezing, I stuck my toes in the water and debated with myself back and forth if I should go in, that it was probably too cold. And more often than not, I would retreat and not go into the water and I would regret it because I had actually wanted to go in. This is quite a cool analogy for this point with making commitments – because the commitment, a real commitment within myself to walk a point through, makes the decision certain and there isn’t a point of wavering or making excuses or justifications to back out. So I will here be applying self-forgiveness on the starting-point for not committing myself to something that I see and realize is best to do as I cannot deny the importance of commitment nor the disablement of non-commitment and the consequences thereof.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or admit to myself that when I don’t commit myself to something that I see and realize is best is not because “there’s something wrong with me” or that “I have a problem with making commitments” or “I was raised in such a way that I now have trouble making commitments” – NO – it is because there is something else I have already committed myself to, even if it is at a level of subtlety and the subconscious or for example committing myself to fear without having made an actual conscious decision to do so. I realize that my commitment is reflected in my actions. Whatever I have committed myself to, is what I will give time, attention, focus, care and consideration. And this might be different from what I am consciously thinking about myself – especially when it is something that I know isn’t in my best interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid making commitments because this way I can remain within an illusion and delusion that I am free to do as I want and that others can’t have expectations of me that will be disappointed and thus I won’t anger others and I won’t have to stand accountable in case the decision and commitment was a mistake – - – not realizing the consequences and side-effects that I am creating from NOT making commitments and how that in turn affects other people’s lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid making commitments from a starting-point of fear and thus by doing so committing myself to fear, literally making a contract with fear, signing myself over to fear and thus accepting and allowing fear to be my directive principle

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be so preoccupied with avoiding the potential feared consequences when making a commitment (the commitment being a mistake, others being disappointed in me, being trapped in a decision) that I have justified and seen it as perfectly reasonable and sound to not make any commitments – in fact I’ve rejoiced in not making commitments, defining myself as ‘more free’ and ‘more flexible’ because of it – when in fact not making commitments has had the consequence that much of my life and how I’ve put myself into it, has been of little to no value or substance, because I’ve been half-assing myself through life deliberately devaluing and degrading whatever or whoever I was participating with, wasting my own and other people’s time in the process, not actually learning anything or expanding myself because I was ‘gliding’ on the surface – never actually getting into the deep end of the point I was working with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up all kinds of excuses and justifications for not committing myself, especially within the context of blaming others and victimizing myself, projecting the responsibility for me not committing myself onto others and thus abdicating my self-responsibility and thereby disempowering myself in a delusion that I am making myself ‘more free’ by not making commitments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions to take on responsibilities like being in a relationship with another person or embarking on a job or an education without actually making an absolute commitment within myself to do so and therefore throughout exist within and as a state of being ‘half’, because I am not actually committed to the decision that I have made and therefore do not honor the decision or walk it through with dedication or effort but instead fake my way through it to convince myself and others that I am committed when in fact I am not

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pretend to myself and to others that I am committed to do something when in fact I am not – and thus create consequences for myself and for others, because my actions do not match my words and thereby I become untrustworthy and unreliable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself and convince myself into believing that I can walk a decision effectively without actually making a commitment to walk that decision fully and absolutely in utmost dedication to the fullest of my potential – which is something that I have seen time and time again and every time I have blamed myself or blamed someone else, instead of looking at the simplicity of my starting-point within making the decision in the first place and whether I have actually made a real commitment to walk the decision through or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification that “There’s something wrong with me” and “I’m flawed” so as to explain and justify to myself and others why I haven’t made a commitment to walk a decision through – which is exactly as excusing what we’re doing on this planet with saying that “It’s human nature, you can’t change it” or “we’re only human” – when the fact of the matter is that we are the ones who have created ourselves as who and what we are – and therefore it is my responsibility and thus ability to change and correct myself, no matter how ‘wrong’ or ‘flawed’ I am. Being ‘wrong’ or ‘flawed’ is thus not laurels to rest on – it is errors on the construction of myself that I must remediate through a process of self-correction and I have seen it is possible and therefore I have no excuse but to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk a self-directed and self-honest process of specific self-investigation when and as I am facing a decision that I see is best but where I also see that I am resisting to make a commitment to walking that decision – - so as to get to the bottom of what it is that I want out of not committing myself to walking the decision and correct it so that I can change ‘who I am’ in relation to the decision and thus walk it fully and in an absolute commitment to see it through

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a decision is not a real decision unless I make an absolute commitment to see the decision through – because otherwise I stand wavering and unresolved within my decision, which means that my foundation is faltering and shaky,  thus making it more than likely that I will fall within my decision, that I will give up, that I will be influenced – just like with the decision to swim in the cold water without a commitment, where I let the temperature affect me and use this as an excuse to not go into the water, whereas when my commitment was absolute there was nothing that could stop me from going into the water

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-dishonest when it comes to making decisions because when I haven’t made a commitment to walk the decision through, it also means that I haven’t made a real decision in fact and as such I am trying to ‘have my cake and eat it to’ – meaning: to walk the decision but without standing accountable and responsible within that, ready to face whatever comes my way and to stand through it no matter what

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and avoid committing myself absolutely to a specific decision that I am facing in my world and reality because I know that making the commitment means that I have to give something up – namely a comfort-zone that I (in self-interest) would prefer keeping where my life is easy, where I don’t have to put too much effort into what I do, where I don’t have to push myself and a limited definition of myself that I am comfortable with because it is all I know – - and because within it, I don’t risk anything – when in fact this is all one giant big limitation where I am denying myself the exploration of a part of myself that I have never explored before, an exploration of life that I have never explored before and a process of self-expansion that I don’t know where will lead, but that I know will take me out of the ‘me’ I have come to know and accept as ‘who I am’

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I stand before making a decision and I see that I resist making an absolute commitment to walking this decision, I stop and I breathe. Before I continue walking the decision, I make sure that I clear my starting-point and that I investigate the resistance to making the commitment and accordingly clear myself of any desires and wants to remain non-committed, so that when I walk into the decision I do so absolutely. As such I commit myself to prevent myself from walking decisions half-assed and non-committed and thereby prevent myself from existing on a lie where I pretend like I am committed when I am not. I commit myself to stop making decisions that I am not committed to walk, because I realize that such decisions are not real decisions in fact, but decisions walked within a lie to myself and to others. I commit myself to walk the absolute commitment of the decision that I have made to embark on a specific journey in my life and within this I commit myself to investigate in more detail the limitations within and through which I am holding myself back from making a full commitment and within this correct myself practically – so that I can place myself within and as a solid and sound foundation and stance within myself and as such make an absolute commitment to stand by and see through the decision that I have made.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 Changing a Non Commitment Clause to an Absolute Commitment: DAY 281

Decisions and the Diving bell of Suppression: DAY 280

April 8, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Romeine 7.003 Decisions and the Diving bell of Suppression: DAY 280When divers go too deep under water and start moving towards the surface too quickly, they can experience what is known as ‘diving sickness’ causing them to them having to go into a decompression chamber to decompress before being able to regain their normal physical functioning again. In this blog-post I am using this analogy quite loosely to explore a pattern that I’ve found within me in relation to making decisions. I see how I’ve in many cases postponed decisions and placed myself ‘on hold’ inside myself, waiting to be directed by others, while compressing and compounding emotional and energetic reactions.

This interview assisted me to shed light on this pattern in relation to waiting for others to make decisions for me and how and why I’ve created this pattern.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction after talking to another about a forthcoming decision and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to immediately suppress this reaction and thus propel myself into a possession and a pattern of suppression that I enveloped myself within placing myself ‘on hold’ within myself, waiting for myself to take on the point, but obviously never doing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as shattered and broken after talking to another about a forthcoming decision within experiencing that my stability has been ripped away from me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame another as being the cause of my experience of being shattered and broken, when in fact if a conversation with another person can shatter my entire foundation – then ‘who’ I was within it wasn’t real to begin with or it was based on having the trust of this person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent to which I’ve relied on others to tell me what to do and to tell me who I am and to tell me what my worth is and what my value is and how strong or weak I am, what I am capable of doing and what I’m not capable of doing – where it’s like I am a balloon that can only fly if I am filled with ‘air’ by another and that deflates as soon as that ‘air’ is taken away

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and hold another responsible for my experience of feeling shattered and broken because I had made them responsible for ‘holding me up’ in the first place – relying on their strength to stand, their recognition to validate myself, their motivation to motivate myself – thus having no actual foundation or ground to stand on in/as myself, making myself extremely unstable and unresolved because I’m relying on someone else to literally ‘hold me up’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent to which I’ve been relying on others to make decisions for me, to tell me what to do, to guide me – and to virtually stand FOR me – and then to question my own standing, my own resolve, believing that “there must be something wrong with me”, blaming myself for not standing resolved – when in fact my entire foundation was missing from the start because I simply went along with a decision that was made, getting carried away and convinced myself that this was indeed my decision when in fact I was ‘running on fumes’ as energy – instead of sitting down with myself and make an actual and clear decision, understanding every dimension involved within making that decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that someone else did not in fact make a decision for me, but that it was me who simply went along with what I was presented with – without making an actual decision, thus separating myself from the decision that I was presented with and placing the responsibility for the decision – and me within it – upon someone else

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept and to justify within myself that “I have an issue with making decisions” and through this have created an automated pattern of reacting when I am facing a decision, where I immediately go into an experience of anxiety and petrification, not trusting myself to make a decision, not even wanting to make a decision because that would make me responsible and instead pretend like I’m making decisions – while in fact I’m procrastinating and stalling and placing myself ‘on hold’ while simply ‘going along for the ride’ through which I end up in a ‘limbo’ within myself where I get stuck and cannot move because I haven’t actually faced the decision head on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern and a habit out of making half-assed decisions where I don’t actually make a decision but merely ‘follow along’ or ‘go with the flow’ – so as to hide and not have to take responsibility for the decision later on, and so that I always have a backdoor out of the decision – not realizing how much consequence I’m creating for myself and others through this, because it means that I am then not committed to what I am doing and can even go into resentment towards others because “I’m following” them – when in fact, it was my decision to not make a decision and instead to follow along to begin with, especially now where I have actually seen the benefit and tremendous expansion possible through making real decisions and stand committed to them and to myself within them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to convince and manipulate myself and others into believing that I’ve made a decision through speaking and thinking as though I’ve made a decision, when in fact my actions of non-commitment show the exact opposite – through which I then create conflict and guilt and uncertainty within myself because I believe I’ve made a decision and then cannot understand why I’m not honoring my commitment – when I can in fact now, see the difference between the directive decisions I’ve made and How I simply stick to my commitments within that without effort and the non-decisions I’ve made by just following along ‘where ever the wind blows’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see and understand that ‘who I am’ is not simply a person without integrity, backbone, self-trust, stamina, decision-making skills and resolve, because firstly I have seen examples within myself of how I’ve lived these qualities in certain aspects of my life, and secondly: I realize how me not having developed or lived these qualities is simply due to the patterns that I’ve lived throughout my life, self-initiated and perpetuated through my environment, through which I’ve sabotaged and prevented myself from developing these skills or qualities. As such I also realize that the solution is then for me to deconstruct the patterns with which I identify and comply through which I sabotage myself, so that I can develop these skills and qualities as an expression of myself in equality and oneness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge skills and qualities such as integrity, honesty, stamina, having a backbone and being resolved as extraordinary ‘positive’ skills and qualities through which I’ve then judged myself negatively for not ‘possessing’ such qualities, as though there is then something extraordinarily wrong with me, when in fact these are simply particular skills and qualities that I haven’t lived whereas there are others that I have lived due to the way I’ve ‘quilted’ or patterned my life, not making any qualities more or less than others and not making myself more or less than others because there are certain qualities and skills I haven’t yet developed to the point where they are a constant and consistent expression of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to simply not make a decision and to simply ‘wait it out’ and to place myself ‘on hold’ causing myself to go into a form of ‘bubble-syndrome’ or ‘diving bell’ syndrome of suppression, which is literally like a compression chamber within myself from where I start becoming depressed and apathetic and frustrated and irritable, placing focus on keeping the decision at bay and procrastinating it, instead of sitting myself down and write myself to freedom within understanding the patterns that I’m accepting and allowing myself to engage in – so that I can come up to the surface, breathe and have a clear look at the decision before me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel pressured to make a decision because I believe that others are waiting for me and are relying on me, when in fact, in this context, this is nothing but an excuse and a point of emotional manipulation that I use to further compress myself into suppression and inner turmoil – preventing myself from actually looking at the decision because now I’m blaming others for pressuring me, when in fact I’m the only one who’s pressuring myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself do distrust myself and to believe that I cannot make sound decisions and so within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold the past against myself and to believe that because I made an unsound decision in the past it means that I will do it again, instead of simply implementing a practical decision making process of assessing information and accordingly make a commitment to move myself within a certain direction

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a comfort zone out of not making decisions, where I will let others chose for me and then blame them if or when the decision turns out to be not the best one – but to also within that disempower myself entirely and instead wait for direction from others, clarity from others, validation and certainty from others and only move once I am satisfied that others agree with my decision

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, recognize or remember that the decisions that I’ve made for myself through looking at points in common sense where I’ve in a moment made a commitment to walk a point in dedication and with a solid resolve, has turned out to be the best possible decisions, even if the decision itself perhaps turned out to be misaligned – because it was about who I was within it, where I could walk with myself with eyes open, both feet on the ground knowing that I have made this decision for myself and that it is my responsibility to see it through to the end, whether that means completing a project or changing paths midway due to a re-assessment of information

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to wait for another to give me direction or validation in relation to a specific decision, I stop myself, I breathe and I immediately bring the responsibility to make a decision back to myself in self-trust that I have the tools required for me to effectively make a decision. I realize that I’ve been placing the responsibility of making decisions on others, because it gave me ‘an easy way out’ where I could blame them if the decision didn’t work out and where I didn’t actually had to step forth and stand up within myself to make a commitment. So leaving decisions to others allowed me to remain with a ‘foot in each camp’ where I didn’t go forward and didn’t move out of the past but remained in a state of non-decision causing me to be uncommitted and undedicated to the task at hand that I had agreed to, but that I hadn’t actually made a commitment within myself to walk unconditionally and absolutely. So I commit myself to from here on out stand responsible for my own decisions and to stop waiting for others to make decisions for me as I’ve now broken through the veil of why I’ve let others make decisions for me because it served my self-interest in and as the mind, but also left me limited, conflicted and it created consequences for other people because I was following along, pretending to have made a decision when in fact I hadn’t. I realize that I within this was actually only postponing the point of making a decision while I followed along, because eventually at some point the point would break or stand depending on my commitment which meant that I then had to face the decision again. I commit myself to use and develop practical decision making tools where I allow myself to sit and walk with myself in an intimate process of investigating the decision at hand and who I am in relation to it, so that I can make a sound decision. I also commit myself to cross-reference my decisions with others but without expecting them to guide me or direct me and without placing the responsibility of the decision upon them.

When and as I see that I am in a state of ‘zombification’ with signs such as over-sleeping and not wanting to write/apply forgiveness, I stop and I breathe and I move myself to sit down and write. Because I realize that these signs indicate that I’ve gone into the ‘diving bell’ of suppression, where I’ve refused to face something and am now waiting for it to sort itself out, having placed myself on hold, believing that this is somehow an effective way to deal with things I don’t want to deal with – when all it is, is suppression and procrastination and postponement. I realize that when I placed myself in the holding room or the diving bell of suppression I compress energy inside myself and that this hurts my body and myself and I then also waste time existing in a state of escape and avoidance which in turn affects my effectiveness in all other areas of my life. I realize how much more simple it is to face points directly, immediately and in the moment from which I can then also expand immediately – instead of creating another consequential process for myself that was entirely unnecessary to begin with, had I only been self-honest with myself. I commit myself to stop using suppression to try and deal with points in my life I experience difficult. I commit myself to direct myself and guide myself and take care of myself in terms of directing myself to face the points that come up within me and in my reality immediately and directly, reminding myself that I do have the tools, through writing and self-forgiveness, to face whatever comes up and walk through it and expand myself and that this gives me no excuse to ignore, suppress or postpone facing myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 Decisions and the Diving bell of Suppression: DAY 280

 

Feeling Inferior when Someone Sounds Irritated and Annoyed: DAY 279

April 5, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

short30n 1 web 1024x682 Feeling Inferior when Someone Sounds Irritated and Annoyed: DAY 279Yesterday an interesting point opened up during a phone conversation. I was speaking with a person with whom I am formally and professionally acquainted and I found myself stumble on my words and making mistakes as I was speaking. Afterwards I looked at the point and I could see how every time I speak with this particular person, I start becoming very nervous and I stumble on my words, making mistakes which is not something I normally do. Now – I haven’t had many conversations with this person, yet it is a very intense reaction I experience. The reaction has been based partly on how I perceive the person approaching or responding to me and partly based on how I’ve seen them holding a particular position of authority in the world. When I talk to them, I experience them as being irritated and annoyed with me and as though they call me out on the mistakes I make when we speak. And the more they do that, the more nervous I become and so it’s like a self-reinforcing ‘curse’ where I feel like I’m becoming the kind of person that they see me as. Obviously I have no idea how they see me in fact so this is all about my own perception.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access, trigger and participate in an experience of nervousness whenever I speak to X and I perceive and interpret X as being irritated and annoyed with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the sound of X’s voice and X’s voice tonality with harshness, judgment and someone in an authority position being irritated and annoyed with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an automated reaction towards X because I have held onto a memory of a reaction towards a specific sound and voice tonality of someone in an authority position being irritated and annoyed with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access and participate in an experience of inferiority when I speak to X because I perceive X to be superior to me because I see X as being in a position of authority and power due to their position in the system combined with how I associate X’s voice tonality and the sound of X’s voice with authority and adulthood

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a child when I speak to X, experiencing myself becoming nervous and go into a state of insecurity within myself where I don’t trust my own words or my own authority – not realizing how this is indicating and showing that I am associating X and X’s sound and voice tonality with a childhood memory where I heard and experienced someone speaking with a similar sound and voice tonality and reacted to them, thus solidifying the memory within me as a form of programming where I from that moment, every time I would face a similar situation with someone speaking with the same voice tonality and sound I would experience the exact same reaction – virtually programming myself to living in and repeating the past. Within this it can be seen how we do this with all memories, how we program ourselves to live in the past. The only difference is that this hasn’t been a pattern that has activated many times in my life whereas others are repeatedly lived on a daily basis – to such an extend that we don’t even realize it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, perceive and define X as superior to me because of X’s position in the world-system and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that a person’s position in the system, like the job they have, makes them superior or inferior to others – and thus because of how I’ve ‘ranked’ X’s position in comparison to mine, I’ve accepted and believed X to be superior and me to be inferior – as though this is completely and totally normal and natural

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger and participate within an experience of feeling foolish and stupid when I talk to X and within that experience and perceive it as though this experience is something X is creating within and as me through the way he sees me – when in fact I don’t know anything about how X see me or don’t see me, all I know is how I react to the voice tonality and sound of X, perceiving X to be irritated and annoyed with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change how I see, experience and define myself when I speak with X where I go from one moment being fine and stable, to the next moment feel and experience myself stupid and foolish and small and inferior – as though I within that moment change the totality of ‘who I am’ when in fact I am accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by an energetic reaction towards what I perceive and experience to be a person of authority becoming irritated and annoyed with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within and as a reaction when I see and perceive a person of authority becoming irritated and annoyed with me, where I feel insecure, small, inferior, stupid and foolish and accordingly start acting like it and completely abandon my stability and self-trust to embody this character of inferiority that I then accept as ‘who I am’ within this moment and thus become it – without seeing, realizing or understanding that ‘who’ I am accepting and allowing myself to exist as in that moment is nothing but an energetic reaction where I am taking my perception and interpretation of another’s reaction towards me personally – as though someone being irritated and annoyed with me makes me irritating and annoying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become unstable and to lose my footing within myself and in my physical body when I speak to X and I react to X’s voice tonality and sound of X’s voice – where I start making the mistakes and errors that I perceive X is becoming annoyed and irritated me about, thus basically creating that which I fear through accepting it as real and valid that X is becoming annoyed and irritated because I am doing something wrong, only causing myself to do ‘more wrong’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I see and perceive another as being irritated and annoyed with me within and as taking what I see and perceive personally and internalize it within defining another being irritated and annoyed with me as equal to there being something wrong with me and me being stupid, foolish, small and inferior – when in fact, even if someone does become irritated and annoyed with me, it has nothing to do with me, it isn’t justified or righteous towards me and it certainly doesn’t define who I am – even if I have made a mistake. And I also realize that what may for example have happened with X is that I, in the moment of phoning X, caught X in a stressed or busy moment or that X was irritated and annoyed about something in their reality that had nothing to do with me and that they took it out on me or simply wasn’t being professional in that moment – or even that X has created a personalized reaction towards me. I have no idea – but in either case it doesn’t matter, because another’s reaction does not reflect back on me and what is relevant for me in this context is my own reaction – because that is what I can change. I cannot change how another speaks to me, especially not in a professional and formal context where I also have a responsibility to be professional.

And I realize that when I speak to others in irritation and annoyance that this actually have nothing to do with them. And so I also here forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it out on others when I am stressed or irritated and annoyed and to not consider how my words and how my voice tonality affects others or how it might trigger reactions within them, that, although they have nothing to do with me, are unnecessary and that I am thus co-responsible for creating and triggering.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define others as irritating and annoying and within and as this justify and validate it as ‘righteous’ for me to take it out on them and to belittle them and infearorize them within experiencing myself as superior to them.

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I speak with X, I commit myself to remain stable, grounded and trusting within myself and my capacity of standing within a specific professional position and to speak to X from this starting-point of stability and trust in my own words. And When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to X’s voice tonality or the sound of X’s voice within perceiving X as being irritated and annoyed with me, I stop and I breathe and through my breath I bring myself back to the stability of my physical body. I realize that nothing and no-one can make me feel something and that if I feel stupid or foolish as a reaction to another, it is something that I am creating and accepting myself as. I realize that my reaction to X’s voice tonality and the sound of X’s voice, has nothing to do with how X sees me or how X experience themselves in fact – as I realize that I’ve created an association towards this specific voice tonality from when I was a child and speaking to people in authority positions and as such my reaction is entirely disconnected from X and whatever reaction X does or doesn’t experience is disconnected from me and who I am. As such I commit myself to remain professional when I speak with X and I commit myself to remain stable and to stabilize myself in my voice so that I can relay the message I have for X in a clear and concise way. I realize that I, when I am stressed or have been annoyed have taken this out on others who just happen to be crossing my path in a moment. As such I also commit myself to not accept or allow myself to take my stress or irritation out on others – which I see and realize is the foundation of what it means to be professional where one does not bring one’s personal issues into one’s communication with others. I commit myself to stop reacting to speaking to X and I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to feel foolish, small, stupid and inferior. I realize that X is not superior to me because of X’s position in the system and thus I commit myself to let go of accepting people as superior and inferior due to their position in the system.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 Feeling Inferior when Someone Sounds Irritated and Annoyed: DAY 279

From Powerless to Self-Empowered: DAY 278

April 1, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

tusia dabrowska ananaski baby pineapples td ananaski still 1 1024x576 From Powerless to Self Empowered: DAY 278There exists a pattern within us as human beings where we, when we feel powerless and desperate towards not being able to change a situation that we see is unacceptable, go into rage, anger and rioting in an attempt to force the point/situation/people to change, where we try to empower ourselves through this anger/rage. Throughout human history we have seen societies rise and break down through so-called ‘revolutions’ where ‘we the people’ get to that point of having had enough. Through this pattern of powerlessness we see no other way but to attempt to overthrow the establishment and we take desperate measures to do so that every time ends in blood being spilled and no real results being achieved in terms of changing the systems. Or we go in the opposite direction, cover our eyes, mouths and ears and sink into apathy, drugs, alcohol and entertainment for an escape.

What we are even seeing now with the advent of globalization, is how the problems simply shift from one country or region to another, like a global play of tag where we pass on the economic and political problems to those less fortunate and with a sigh of relief say: “you are it.” In our own individual lives the same pattern plays out, where we for example in our relationships feel powerless towards changing our partners, our parents or our bosses or colleagues. We try to change it, we use diplomatic methods and in the end we feel so powerless because we see how a change is required, how what is happening is having consequences in our own lives – yet we cannot force someone else to change. We cannot force the system to change for us. And so in that state of powerlessness and desperation we turn to anger, to rage, to rioting in an attempt to empower ourselves and force the problem to a solution. But it never works.

In our own lives what often happen is that we simply haven’t got the tools or the vocabulary to deal effectively with situations that emerge. And most of us also haven’t learned how to deal with what seems like ’impossible’ situations. And so instead we learn and develop survival strategies based on reactive patterns, for example the flight or flight response described within modern psychology. We tend to thus either run away from the problems we face in our lives or we try and fight them. Unfortunately neither is an effective strategy because we don’t actually get to a point of learning how to effectively solve our problems. In society it is no different. We don’t know how to change the world or how to stop the massive unemployment rates. Most of us are aware of the redundancy of the current political system and so we often end up in an experience that there is nothing we can do to change our own or the general situation. To deal with what we see and find impossible, we either escape (the flight response) into alcohol, gaming, partying or religion. Or we might start complaining and blaming other people for what’s going on or we go into various forms of activism or rebellion (the fight response) where we try to fight the system to change. In both cases what happens is that we validate our own powerlessness through a belief that the change has to come from somewhere else. And we don’t realize or consider that, as long as we are in a state of reaction, we cannot change the situation or ourselves within and as it.

So what is the solution? The solution is to, first and foremost stop the reactions and within that process to also stop blaming others and expecting them to change or trying to force them to change – and instead bring the responsibility back to ourselves. When we bring the responsibility back to ourselves, we empower ourselves and thus stop the pattern of powerlessness, because the powerlessness exists within a context of placing responsibility on others – thus placing ourselves in a situation where we can’t do anything or change the situation, unless someone else changes it for us. We cannot force others to change. We might not even be able to (at least not instantly) change a specific situation in the world-system (like unemployment). But what we can do is to develop practical tools for ourselves through which we can change how we relate to others or specific situations. If we see someone else doing something that we see isn’t commonsensical, but we cannot force them to change, we can start by getting to understand how and why they are seeing things the way they do. When we understand how another sees the world, it is much easier to offer them support to expand their perspective. But this is something that can only be done when we have cleared ourselves from reactions. We have all experienced being judged or blamed by others for something we had done, and while we see that what they are saying is valid, all we are hearing and picking up on in that moment is the energy of blame and anger and because that isn’t valid and we know that, we tend to become defensive and go into a counter-reaction and can even become self-righteous, even though we see what we did wasn’t okay. And so the focus is changed from understanding our own actions and intensions in self-honesty and from there correcting and changing ourselves to simply reacting and defending ourselves. As such we can see that it isn’t effective to try and force others to change from a starting-point of reaction. We might have to step back and be patient, to wait for another moment to discuss the point again. Or in the case of seeing something that is unacceptable in the world-system, we often have no choice but to live with it for the time being and then look for practical solutions while we do so. As such – while we might not be able to change a situation or how another person sees things, we ARE able to change how we see things, how we react and respond to others and things that happens in our world. And most importantly, we are able to shift our focus from only looking at and reacting to problems to start seeing and looking for solutions. Often the solution might be something we hadn’t already considered. Or we have to walk through a process of expanding our understanding of a particular system or even a pattern within another person to be able to see the solutions. But if we are caught up in an experience of powerlessness we won’t be able to do so and no matter how angry we get, how frustrated we won’t be able to change it because we aren’t actually standing as the solution within ourselves.

In relation to experiencing powerlessness towards the world-system, I recommend watcing the hangout series Hope for Humanity where practical support and solutions is shared.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Why We React To Our Own Minds: DAY 277

March 30, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

trapped in my own mind by gallifray123 d4mw9i4 Why We React To Our Own Minds: DAY 277We react to the mind in many ways. We may fear what comes up in our minds or wonder where it came from or we may entertain it and immerse ourselves within it. Reacting to the mind is quite like reacting to the things we see happening in the world, except for the fact that what is happening in the world is real, tangible and physical, while what happens in our minds is more of a ‘pseudo-reality’, because although it IS happening, it isn’t something real or substantial. When we react to things we see in the world, we might yell at the TV to no avail but it can also be much more subtle, where we react to traits we see in other people with disgust or disdain where we promptly state within ourselves that “I’m not like that!” while our reaction reveals otherwise – because we only react to that which is unresolved or not faced within ourselves. Reacting to our own reactions is no different. We employ various strategies to NOT face what we see inside ourselves: denial, excuses, justifications, blame, self-judgment, and suppression. Anything that takes the focus away from us facing ourselves in brutal and direct self-honesty and immediately take responsibility for what we see to take it upon ourselves to change and correct ourselves. If we knew and saw exactly what is happening in the world with open eyes and within that acted in self-responsibility to change it, we wouldn’t react. It is the same when we react to what comes up in/through our minds. Something that comes up within us that shocks us or makes us want to suppress ourselves indicates that this is a point we hadn’t yet directed, faced and taken responsibility for. Sometimes we might also react because we had created a belief about ourselves that doesn’t fit with what’s now coming up/out of us – which exactly what we’re seeing in the world as well; when we see horrible things happening, we promptly take distance from it, judge it and dissociate ourselves from it, not admitting that whatever other human beings are doing to each other, to animals or themselves is something that exists equally within us. We might have grown up under different conditions or with different rules, we might face a less harsh daily reality that allows us to live more civilized, but at the end of the day we are all the same – and whatever happens on this earth is our equal responsibility, whether we want to admit it or not. It’s not going to go away by us taking a moral stance of disassociation. Nothing will change unless we actively direct it to change through self-responsibility.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what comes up in/through my mind, because I don’t like what I see and I would prefer not to be associated with what I see as it collides with an image I have of myself that I would like to preserve to feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if my image of myself and my self-definition is contingent upon me denying parts of myself, then it surely cannot be real or ‘who I am’ in fact

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the way to deal with to parts of myself that I don’t like, that I fear and that I would prefer to not associate myself with, is to stash them away, avoid them, shun them, deny and suppress them – exactly as we as society shun and stash away homeless people or how we hide our factory farming from the public

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question why I react to my own reactions, to seeing ‘who’ and ‘what’ I have accepted and allowed myself to become within and as the mind, because within that moment of seeing my own reactions, I immerse myself fully into the reaction to what I see and go into fear or self-judgment or disgust not realizing that ‘who I am’ as I see my reactions isn’t real as I am reacting to one dimension of my mind from within another dimension of my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the only reason I would be reacting to my own reactions and to what I see in my mind is that I haven’t faced or stood equal to myself as what I see and within that that I haven’t taken self-responsibility for myself as what I see

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shocked and dismayed towards what’s coming up in/through my mind within an experience that I don’t recognize myself thinking that “This is not who I am” and “I don’t know where this is coming from” as though the thoughts/reactions/experiences are appearing out of the blue, like being possessed by a foreign entity – thus indicating that the reactions are aspects of myself that I have separated and disassociated myself from within and through creating a self-dishonest image and definition of myself and so I feel ‘shocked’ because I am facing a reality of myself that I had hidden from myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a moral judgment against the mind and within that a moral judgment against ‘negative qualities’ of being human like greed, lust, envy, violence, selfishness that I believe I must avoid and suppress to get rid of when in fact this is all an entire interconnected system where I lock myself into these aspects by keeping them secret, while presenting myself positively to myself and others through my conscious mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and admit to myself that nothing comes up within/through my mind without it already existing within and as me through on my permission, acceptance of participation within it and as such that I am responsible for and the creator of what comes up within me, whether indirectly or directly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or consider how, when something comes up within/through my mind that I don’t recognize or understand, it simply means that I haven’t equalized myself to that aspect of my mind/myself and that I now have to walk a process of investigating that aspect to understand it in detail and specificity so that I can effectively direct myself to change and correct myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that reacting to my own reactions only perpetuate me to react even more and that I in no way deal with the initial reactions or take responsibility for myself within and as them by reacting to them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place a guard in front of my mouth to ensure that I don’t speak within/through reactions and I forgive myself that I have instead used and abused speaking to further cement myself into a reaction, becoming and accepting myself as the reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I react to something that I see in the world that is unacceptable or horrible or atrocious that it makes me a better person because I react, showing and indicating that I’ve got compassion – when in fact it is only within that moment of seeing that I ‘care’ when I in every other moment don’t have the slightest care or concern for what’s happening because I’m completely enthralled in my own self-interest and do absolutely nothing actively to change the situation except for these momentary reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with a negative experience like shock, dismay, anger, blame, moral judgment or sadness to the horrors happening in the world – or in my mind – is the same as caring and that by going into this reaction I have ’done enough’ and ’taken a stand’ when in fact I have done nothing but make myself feel better so that I can go back to suppressing and lying to myself pretending to the something and someone that I am not while real caring would be to act, to take self-responsibility for what I see

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see myself reacting to what comes up in/as/through my mind as reactions and thoughts – I stop and I breathe and I apply the correction of immediately moving myself to the solution of investigating what I see in unconditional self-acceptance, embracing myself as the mind, as what I see in equality within the commitment to take responsibility for myself. Because I realize that the only reason that I react to what comes up in/as/through my mind, is because it is a part/aspect of myself that I have denied/suppressed/separated myself from, which is why I don’t ‘recognize’ it as myself or why I refuse to admit that ‘this is a part of me’. And I realize that this is exactly the same we as human beings are doing in the world-system where we go into reactions and moral judgments towards the atrocities that are happening in the world, because we within that separate ourselves from what we see as ourselves and thereby abdicate responsibility. As such I make a commitment to face myself and embrace myself and accept myself as everything and anything that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become – yet not in an unconditional context of accepting it as who I am, but to accept that ‘this is what I have accepted and allowed’, ‘this is who I’ve accepted myself to be’ and within this I commit myself to take responsibility for what I see, for what comes up in/as/through the mind because I realize that nothing can exist within me that isn’t ‘mine’, that isn’t ‘me’ in the context of what and who I’ve created myself as and as such whatever comes up IS my responsibility. And I also realize that suppression, moral judgment and pushing aspects of myself away or in the world system taking a distance from certain parts of human existence is not an effective way to deal with things, because within that I am abdicating responsibility and thereby allowing these things to continue existing as is without doing anything to change them. So – I commit myself to take responsibility for myself as the mind and within that to change and correct myself through a practical process of self-introspection through writing and self-forgiveness and to take directive action to practically change who I am within my living.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 Why We React To Our Own Minds: DAY 277

 

What Does the Digits on the Scale Tell About You? DAY 276

March 27, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

o WOMAN STANDING ON SCALE facebook 1024x512 What Does the Digits on the Scale Tell About You? DAY 276I am continuing here with the series of changing my relationship to my physical body.

Here are the previous writings in this series for reference:

So today something quite interesting happened that I will be investigating here. This morning I weighed myself and I wasn’t sure if I had gained weight. (I’ve gained over 20 kg over the last 3 years, gone 10 kg down and a bit up again so I’ve been monitoring what is happening). The last time I weighed myself was probably over a month ago. As I got on the scale the numbers showed that I – according to the scale – had ‘lost’ over 15 kg, which would bring me down to a weight I haven’t been on for a very long time. And so I was completely shocked to see this number on the scale as it in no way fits with how I’ve seen or experienced myself lately. I was immediately sure that there had to be something wrong with the scale. Then my partner got on the scale to cross-reference and he weighs the exact same as he usually does. So – according to the ‘authority’ of the scale I have now lost virtually all the excess weight that’s placing me in the ‘obese’ section of the clothing store. But what is interesting is that there is absolutely no reflection of this on my physical body. Usually when I lose weight I can quite immediately see it on my face and feel it on my hands and ankles. It all looks and feels completely the same. Another indication of a weight loss is obviously that one’s clothes are much looser which mine isn’t.

So all in all I can only conclude that I haven’t in fact lost weight and that there must be something wrong with either the scale or my procedure of weighing myself. For a moment after I had seen the number on the scale I went to look myself in the mirror and for a split second I thought I looked skinnier. Lol – but at the same time I also started thinking about how I might have actually lost weight, but am still seeing myself as though I haven’t. So in that moment I was seeing how I couldn’t in fact trust what I see as well as not being able to trust the digits on the scale.

Later I started looking at how I’ve placed all my faith in the scale, letting the scale be the ‘final judge’ as to whether I’ve reached my ‘goal’ or not instead of how and who I am in relation to my body from a starting point of equality and oneness. Now I am then facing a moment where everything I can cross-reference for myself on a physical level in no way matches what the numbers on the scale say. So I concluded that I am not going to trust or go according to the scale. Because it is entirely unreliable lol. It’s unrealistic that I should have lost 15 kg. in a little over a month without noticing it or without my clothes getting looser on my body. It simply doesn’t work this way. So what I find is so interesting about this is how we tend to place our trust in points outside of ourselves.

Because on one hand, I clearly cannot trust numbers on a scale to tell me whether my body is in optimal physical condition. But on the other hand I cannot even trust my own eyes to in fact see what is here. Many anorexics for example tend to see themselves as overweight when they’re really not – showing how our eyes (because we see with/as the mind) cannot be trusted.

So what is interesting also here is that I’ve found that physically feeling myself from the inside is actually the most reliable source of feedback as to how my body is doing and the process is then to also align the eyes to such a point of equality and oneness where what one sees is what is here in fact.

It’s interesting also with how we’ve made the numbers on the scale (or the size of clothing) the single most important factor when it comes to weight and body image, because it’s the exact same we’re doing in our education system when it comes to grades – - something that in no way can measure a students total achievement or educational development, just like numbers on a scale in no way reflect the state and condition of our physical bodies.

I remember someone talking about how they would adjust the scale so that it would always show a lower digit than the person’s real weight, similar to ‘slim-mirrors’ in clothing stores deceiving us into seeing ourselves as skinnier than what we are in fact. So we manipulate physical results and feedback systems to change how we see and feel about ourselves, instead of actually supporting our bodies to develop to its full potential while changing the way we see ourselves from mind-based judgments of body image to physical direct seeing.

Here I will commence with self-corrective statements from the previous blog-post’s self-forgiveness as well as the realizations that have come up here.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to be preoccupied within the mind and thus not here, connected, grounded, to and as my physical body, for example as indicated by me holding my breath or holding my thumbs, I stop myself and I give myself a breath to breathe myself back here into and as my physical body and simply re-connect and ground myself here. I realize that I’ve lived disconnected and disconnecting from my physical body for many years and that I have created an inner and an outer environment that does not support me to remain connected with/as my physical body and therefore that it is up to me to actively and directively bring myself back to my physical body on a consistent basis until I change that which I have come to accept as ‘normal’ and ‘automated’, to be disconnected from the physical to be and live here in the physical as a natural expression of myself. I commit myself to remain diligent, attentive and consistent in supporting myself to bring myself back here.

When and as I see myself in any way looking at my physical body from a starting-point of using or wanting to use the body for self-interest of the mind, I stop myself and I breathe and I bring myself back here and stabilize myself in and as my physical body and in my commitment to connecting with/as my physical body in and as a physical expression of myself. I realize that whenever I use the body as a ‘tool’ for the mind’s self-interest it is undeniably within and as a state of self-abuse in one way or another, because I as the mind, does not see the body as an equal, as a living being with equal rights, but as an inferior ‘tool’ to use for it’s own wants, needs and desires that are completely contingent and conditioned to the mind’s need for energy to sustain itself. As such – I commit myself to stop using and abusing myself as my physical body as a tool for the mind to sustain itself and I realize that this includes stopping participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings as these also have detrimental effects on the body and serve no practical purposes.

When and as I see myself trying to convince myself through backchat to do something that I know isn’t supportive for my physical body or where I try to convince myself to NOT do something that I know IS supportive for my physical body, I stop myself. I breathe and I re-direct myself back here, I take the reigns of myself and stand myself as the authority of myself and firmly direct myself back to common sense of simply doing what needs to be done or simply refraining from doing that which I know isn’t supportive for me. I commit myself to push myself to be diligent in not accepting and allowing myself to follow backchat and seduce myself through backchat. I realize that it is a form of group-pressure that I am exerting onto myself and that it is abusive and bullying towards myself and that even though it feels good in the moment – the points I’m mentioning here are points where I’ve proven to myself that this is or is not good for me and therefore my direction is clear, self-supportive and commonsensical and I thus know that I cannot trust the conversations that I’m catering in my mind. I commit myself to stop catering conversations in my mind and I commit myself to remain vigilant to continue to do so because I understand that all it takes to stop this relationship with myself and change it, is a consistent process of guiding myself to stop this automated pattern so that I can establish a new way of living and interacting with myself.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react to a piece of information about the physical body/health/beauty/body image that I see in my external reality, I stop myself and I breathe and I reconnect with myself here in common sense and ground myself inside my body. I realize that I cannot trust something simply because someone else says so or because it is presented in a newspaper and that I can do my own research and cross-reference to test many points and this is something that I commit myself to do and to continue doing, so that I have a frame of reference and an education that I can utilize to asses information that I hear and see. I also realize that when I react to what I see or hear about health or beauty or body image or nutrition, it indicates that I do not stand clear on that point and therefore that I am able to be manipulated by what I see and hear and inferiorize myself to it and become a follower (like following a beauty product or trying a new diet) because I do not stand clear and stable within myself and thus haft left a backdoor open for manipulation (which is exactly what advertisement works with) – which in the end is self-manipulation and thus my responsibility to change. I commit myself to be attentive and aware as I read and hear and look at information about health, beauty, body image and nutrition and I commit myself to be diligent and vigilant in ‘catching’ reactions as they come up within me so that I can immediately direct them and thus ground myself and stand firmly here within and as myself so that I can effectively asses the information in common sense.

When and as I see myself counting on external sources to define my body and the state it is in like relying on the scale, I stop and I breathe and I bring my focus back to my body. I realize that I have been operating according to a specific number system with weight on the scale and with clothes sizes where I have decided that when I reach this and that level, then I am ‘okay’ and then my body is ‘optimal’ when in fact my body being in optimal condition isn’t contingent upon the weight or clothes size I am, but who and how I am within and as my body as the wholeness and totality of my body. Therefore I commit myself to stop letting weight and clothe sizes be the mark with which I measure my body’s condition. Instead I commit myself to develop awareness, communication and connection with/as my body here so that I can feel and determine on a physical level how my body is doing and how I can remediate/align myself to support it to its optimal condition.

In relation to what I’ve walked here, I recommened the following interviews by the Eagles that talk about our disconnection from the physical:

The Consciousness of the Eagle – Part 1

The Consciousness of the Eagle – Part 2

The Consciousness of the Eagle – Part 3

As well as these interviews about clothing and body image:

What do your Clothes tell You about Yourself? – Life Review

What do your Clothes tell You about Yourself? (Part 2) – Life Review

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 What Does the Digits on the Scale Tell About You? DAY 276

 

 

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Having Resolve: DAY 275

March 22, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

BruceLee Be Like Water Having Resolve: DAY 275Before continuing with my series on changing my relationship to my physical body, I am here walking a point that opened up today that I saw (with the support and assistance from Destonians in my life) that I had the opportunity to walk, direct and correct within and as myself.

What does it mean to Have Resolve?

A resolve in the context of what I am looking at here is in the dictionary defined as a firm decision or determination to act – and this is interesting considering how the original meaning of the word means to ‘loosen’ or ‘reduce into liquid’ which would be the quite opposite of making something more firm. But then I also looked at how when one stands resolute in something, one actually moves ‘smoothly’ or like water through the challenges. Kind of like water being determined to pass through rocks in a river. It is interesting with resolve. Because having resolve is to stand firmly, but it is also to be ‘loose’ and ‘flexible’ within that. And I see how once an effective resolve is established, moving oneself according to it is smooth like water and one is able to be flexible and adaptable without ‘loosing’ oneself, because one’s resolve is the firmness of oneself as one moves. I realize that trying to make decisions without resolve, can have the effect that one is torn apart and torn to pieces by the ‘stream’ of events that one move oneself into, being jerked into various directions, being moved BY the stream instead of moving oneself and as such not being able to stand firmly by the decision one has made. Within this is then also an inflexibility, a struggle to withstand the ‘stream’, the ‘current’ which again can have the consequence of one being torn into pieces or eventually that one let go of the hold of the decision and give up. I realize how resolve is a stance, an application and expression that flows from self and that self embodies that can enable one to move through any ‘current’ (like in the world-system) and remain whole and actually also arrive at one’s destination because one isn’t affected by the obstacles that come one’s way, but instead can find the crevices through which one can push oneself through to continue moving in the direction that one has decided for oneself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, except, limit and lock myself into an identity of being ‘the kind of person that doesn’t have resolve’ or ‘the kind of person that cannot be trusted’, ‘I’m not disciplined’, ‘I’ve never learned discipline’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself for being lazy and wimpy when it comes to moving myself in my world and my reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize and recognize how I do have resolve when it comes to certain points in my life and therefore that ‘not having resolve’ doesn’t define the entirety of who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and to others that “I’m not disciplined” and within and as that justify this as ‘who I am’ and thereby accept it as valid and acceptable that I am not disciplined and consequentially engross myself even further into this identity and self-belief now not even giving myself the chance or opportunity to change who I am in relation to discipline because I’ve simply accepted that ‘this is who I am’ – also thereby justifying not changing myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept and define myself as weak and wimpy and even within that insist and continuously tell myself that this is ‘who’ and ‘how’ I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have literally talked myself into a limited self-definition and acceptance because I keep thinking about, speaking about, writing about and reminding myself that I have no discipline or integrity, that I compromise and sabotage myself instead of simply seeing how I’ve lived this way and then go to the solution to the problem rather than compounding myself even further into and as these beliefs and self-acceptances

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to confuse accepting myself a certain way with in self-honesty seeing a pattern that I’ve lived and instead of seeing the pattern and then correcting it, I’ve stopped at the ‘seeing’ part and within that I have accepted that ‘this is who I am’ through not doing anything about it and the more I’ve done that, the ‘worse’ it’s gotten and the more my self-definition and acceptance of myself as confirmed making the self-definition more and more solid

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to bluntly accept that I have no discipline, work ethics. Integrity or self-trust and to explain this to myself by looking at what I’ve lived in the past – instead of realizing that simply because I’ve lived something in the past, doesn’t mean that this is now all of who I am and thereby just sit back and accept my own ‘flawed nature’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I’m just not a resolved person”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I’m just not a disciplined person”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I am weak and I have a weak character”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I don’t have integrity and therefore I cannot trust myself”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I’m a coward without a spine”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I’m the kind of person that easily gives up on myself”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and accept that “I’m the kind of person that has no work-ethics”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and ashamed and embarrassed because of how I see myself as a ‘loser’ because I believe that I have no discipline, spine, integrity, character or stamina

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize or see how there are aspects of my life where I am or have been disciplined, where I have had integrity, where I have had stamina, word ethics (Freudian slip, wrote: ‘worth ethics’) and resolve and therefore that not living these expressions doesn’t define ‘who I am’ – but I see that this is how I’ve define myself in my mind, especially through looking back at my life and my mistakes and then believing that “because I’ve made this mistake so many times before, I’m sure I will make it again”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate and despise myself when I look at myself as a coward and as someone without integrity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and to be embarrassed and ashamed for having lived without integrity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that simply because I’ve lived without integrity or discipline or resolve previously does not automatically mean that I can never live integrity or discipline

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with me – that I am what is wrong and thus accept myself as wrong and flawed in the entirety of my being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to undermine the potential for me to live self-trust and self-integrity and resolve through compromising myself, lying to myself, not sticking to my word, being dishonest with myself to the point where I have given up within and as the thought that “I can never change, this is who I am” and thus accepting myself as a person without integrity and therefore without self-trust

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can never change, that this is who I will always be and therefore within that give up before I have even tried

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am being self-honest, truthful and accurate when I say that I cannot trust myself, when I say I have no discipline, when I say I have no integrity, when I say I have no resolve because I’ve convinced myself that “I’m simply being honest” – while not actually doing anything about it except for accepting that “this is who I am”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I AM lazy, undisciplined, no integrity, a coward, wimp and weak instead of seeing, realizing and understanding while these are traits that I have lived within specific personality-patterns and to investigate and deal with them as such and not based on casting any moral judgments on myself

What I mean is that if I see for example that I’ve lived a pattern of laziness, this doesn’t now MAKE ME lazy and then lazy is all I am and can ever be when in fact it is simply another mind-program like all other programs like fear and lust and desire and depression, it’s a specific mental construct that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept as ‘who I am’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel apathetic towards changing myself within and as firmly believing that I am not good enough, that I am not worthy, that I can never change – - which is interesting because as we’ve established previously, a resolve is to firmly be determined towards something, thus indicating that I’m resolved to not change – that not changing is my resolve, that insisting that I am lazy, not have integrity, that I’m weak and wimpy is who I’ve decided to be. Because while I have definitely done things that were lazy, wimpy, weak and without integrity there is no universal rule that states that this is now who and how I will be forever more – no, that’s something I’ve firmly decided for myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how there is a certain convenience and comfortability in me accepting myself as lazy, not having integrity or discipline and within that experience that I’ve now done ‘enough’ in at least admitting it – but without actually taking responsibility for changing myself (which I obviously ‘can’t because I can’t trust myself to do so, or so the belief goes)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have held myself captured and limited and locked into seeing myself, defining myself and accepting myself as a person without integrity, without discipline, without resolve, without stamina and that this insistence and lock in on my part through actively confirming this acceptance for myself is what has kept me living in this way and NOT because “It’s who I am” or “It’s who I’ve become”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my past, my genetics and my upbringing for me having become a person without integrity, stamina, discipline and resolve and within this solidify my mental enslavement even further by abdicating responsibility for my self-creation, making it even more difficult for me to change myself because it is apparently something/someone else outside of me that is responsible for who and what I have become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in spite of everything I’ve learned about how one can change and correct one’s mind, still believe that I cannot possibly changing – not realizing how this is actually something that I’ve insisted on and manipulated myself to hold onto because it gave me a backdoor to having a seemingly ‘easier’ life without self-change and self-expansion, without taking responsibility for myself because I’ve accepted that it is ‘okay’ if I don’t – because I’m “already broken”, “already flawed” so it’s okay that I don’t push myself, because “It’s pointless anyway”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not challenge myself or push myself to move beyond my self-accepted limitations of how I’ve accepted and defined myself as lazy, lacking integrity, being undisciplined and without stamina

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make decisions’ without standing resolved within and as these decisions and as such not having made a decision at all, because without resolve I have accepted and allowed that the decision could be ‘wavered’ and affected and I have not placed myself in an absolute determination within and as myself

Self-Corrective Application

I realize that having resolve means to stand steadfast, firm and determined within a specific decision or course of action and I realize that while I have had resolve within specific areas of my life, in other areas I have not, but I also realize that I have actually stood ‘resolved’ to keep myself locked into a self-definition, personality and acceptance of myself as ‘lacking resolve’, stamina, discipline, integrity, drive and work-ethics. Because as I realized that I had not particularly developed these expressions and applications within my life, I placed myself there in that ‘realization’ that I reacted to, took personally and defined myself according to and as. I accepted it as ‘who I am’. And the more I just stood there without doing anything about it, the ‘worse’ it got, where I could constantly confirm for myself through my actions taken within the ‘resolve’ to remain existing this way that “Yes, this is indeed who I am.” And then I started to also believe that this was now all of me, when in fact as I’ve realized, it is within specific parts of my life that I haven’t stood resolved and as such it doesn’t mean that I am incapable of having resolve or that “I am not resolved” – it simply means that my expression, living and application of resolve isn’t absolute, one and equal in all aspects of my life. I also realize that I have been very actively holding myself locked in this self-accepted and self-created limitation through deliberately participating in thoughts, speaking and writing that “this is how I am” for example through saying the words that “I’ve always had a problem with discipline”. I realize that holding myself locked into this self-definition has been a ‘convenient’ (from the mind’s perspective) way to not move myself to stand absolutely, because I accepted myself as fundamentally flawed, whether blaming it on my being (this is ‘who I am’) or on my upbringing (I was never taught to do this), so I always had an excuse handy to take the backdoor, whether actively and directly or simply through inaction and apathy.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts about ‘who I am’ as lacking discipline, stamina, resolve and work-ethics, I stop myself – I breathe and center myself inside myself and I place within me a resolve, a determination of and as myself to no longer accept or allow myself to define or accept myself in this way – because although I see that I have not fully lived these expressions and applications absolutely in my life, I also see that it is detrimental to hold myself onto these memories, to condition myself to this definition of myself and that the consequence of me doing so is that I remain existing in and as this self-limitation instead of actually moving myself to change.

I realize that I have punished myself for what I have done in the past, based on a conviction that it is ‘self-honest’ of my to face what I have accepted and allowed – instead of realizing that self-honesty is to see who I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as AND to walk the self-corrective application of changing myself, so that I can establish self-trust in my own actions, myself and my expression and stand by what I do, what I say and who I am in every moment.

When and as I see that I am holding the past against myself when and as I see that I am participating in thoughts about how I have acted in the past and how I believe I cannot trust myself to change because of it, I stop and I breathe and I center myself here in my being and I move myself to correct and change myself immediately to let go of the past – and as such prove myself wrong through directive application in showing myself that I decide to change or now and that I am not ‘bound’ to the past in any way what so ever.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to speak or write about ‘who I am’ in the context of having lacked discipline, resolve, stamina and integrity and I see that I am doing so from a starting-point of self-definition and not self-honesty and self-responsibility to change myself, I stop and I breathe and I center myself in my being – and I immediately move myself to apply the corrective application to what I am speaking or writing about – so that I don’t simply say: “this is how I’ve always been” and then seal myself within this definition of myself – but that I take it to self-correction in also saying: “and this is how I am going to practically change myself”.

I realize that I have undermined myself and compromised and sabotaged myself by existing without integrity, stamina, work ethics, resolve and self-trust and so I commit myself to develop these expressions and applications within and as myself through practically changing myself in my reality.

I commit myself to stop defining and accepting myself as lazy, wimpy, without integrity, work-ethics, resolve or stamina and I commit myself to self-honestly investigate how I am not living these expressions and applications absolutely and to correct this point by point and so establish integrity, self-trust, stamina and resolve within and as myself.

I realize that there are many points within my life and in my relationship to the mind that I’ve got yet to correct and I realize that that does not make me a failure or a looser and it certainly does not give me the right to give up on myself or to not stand resolved within the decisions I make in my life. I commit myself to – whenever I have made a decsion – and I see that I am wavering, to go back and check my resolve and asses the decision again and if relevant to re-commit myself and place myself in and as a resolve to walk the decision through.

I commit myself to walk a process of establishing resolve, integrity, discipline, stamina and self-trust witihn and as the ’little’ ’menial’ things in my life and from here start expanding myself to slowly but surely enabling myself to place myself in positions of greater responsibility as I develop and establish integrity, stamina, discipline, resolve and self-trust within and as myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 Having Resolve: DAY 275

 

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