What is Your Favorite Color? DAY 316

Recently my relationship to color has opened up through conversations with a friend who had quite th

I Am What I Feel I Am…or Am I? DAY 315

In this post I will share some recent insights and realizations in relation to two specific points t

Perseverance: The Only Way Out is Through. DAY 314

“All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail be

 

What is Your Favorite Color? DAY 316

September 15, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Emotional Color Wheel 2 1024x574 What is Your Favorite Color? DAY 316Recently my relationship to color has opened up through conversations with a friend who had quite the opposite preferences towards colors than I did. A lot of fun came out of those conversations where we laughed, particularly at my, sometimes rigid relationship to colors. I have for quite some time been aware that I have a rather limited and restricted relationship to colors, you might even say that I am somewhat of a ‘fascist’ when it comes to colors and color-schemes, in that I will find some colors almost unacceptable, for example if my partner wants to bring a new color into our home.

Yesterday I listened to an amazing interview that explains how and why we create aversion and preferences towards specific colors on Eqafe and so in the coming blog-posts, I will walk through, release and redefine my energetic relationship to color, so that I can embrace all colors equally, see them for what they are and not hold any energetic or emotional reactions towards them.

I will start by identifying the specific relationship that I’ve created towards colors and the positive and negative charged (based on memories) that I’ve attached to them. I will then begin exploring first the relationship I’ve created towards colors that I’ve reacted negative to and the origin of that aversion.

Intense negative

  • Orange
  • Purple
  • Brown

Slightly negative

  • Red
  • Burgundy
  • Dark Green
  • Royal Blue
  • Beige
  • Salmon pink

Can be both negative and positive and neutral

  • Light Green
  • Pink
  • Light purple

Intense positive

  • Turquoise
  • Teal
  • White

Slightly Positive

  • Blue
  • Light Blue
  • Black
  • Grey
  • Curry yellow
  • Light yellow
  • Military green

Transcended color reactions

  • Sun/Banana Yellow

Lets begin:

I have the most intensely negative relationship towards the colors Orange and Purple, followed by a dislike of brown unless brown is matched with other colors.

When looking at the memories that triggers these intense aversions, I realize that my relationship for example to the color orange that has been one of the strongest and most negative in my life, actually does not have anything to do with the physical color orange. Because for example, our entire apartment complex is painted in orange color schemes and that is not something I react towards. Interestingly however, I would react if I were to have that orange into my own apartment. And yet, when I confront myself with the real color orange, I have no issue – thus showing that the ‘issue’, is in my mind and in my mind alone. So I’ve been looking at what the origin is of my aversion towards orange, purple and brown. Interestingly enough, there are different memories popping up and therefore also affecting my relationship to that specific color.

With orange I feel almost sick, like I want to throw up. And last night when I was going to rest and looking at my resistance to the various colors, I had this image (or memory) come up of an orange blanket and an orange bucket where I would puke. The memory is still quite fuzzy, so I can’t confirm that either memory triggered my aversion towards orange, but it did however support me to realize how aversions towards colors can be created, whereas I actually previously thought that I simply had a very strong preference, but maybe puking into an orange bucket as a child triggered a negative relationship, since I slightly connect this color with being sick.

With purple however it is a different story. The resistance I experience towards purpose is also of a different nature. Purple I would say that I judge as being an ‘ugly color’, ‘not trendy’ – unless it is matched with specific other colors to neutralize its effect. This was exposed last week where I was buying candles with my partner, normally I will simply decide and but them for us, but this time my partner decided to get a purple candle. I tried arguing against it explaining how it won’t match our walls or bed but my partner was rather insistent and of course saw my color-aversion come up as a form of dictatorship towards what color candle to get. Eventually I came up with the compromise to buy all the colors they had, which made the color purple more acceptable to me, resulting in us now having 5 big candles placed on a small table in our bedroom. So within this it becomes evident how intense my relationship to color has been, and how I’ve simply accepted and defined it as something completely and entirely normal to obsess over. So with purple candle,, I judged it as ‘old-fashioned’ and ‘out of style’ and when I looked at my aversion towards this color, a memory popped up of me wearing a purple jumpsuit or pants to school that another student ridiculed as being old-fashioned and from there I decided to swear off all things purple.

It is interesting to see how the aversion towards orange and purple has different triggers and reactions due to the memory they are attached to and it is like these relationships become very personal, almost like the color IS the memory.

With the color brown I also see has had to do with judgments other people has had, though not personally towards me and therefore this color does not carry the same energetic charge within me, because it has more been through hearing people criticizing brown things that I’ve created this aversion. I grew up in the 80s and 90s and during this time in Denmark, there was a strong aversion towards anything resembling 60s and 70s style. Specifically in the 60s and 70s it was these very strong colors like brown and orange that was popular, so it created a general resistance in society where brown and orange was then seen as ‘dated’ and ‘archaic’. So I see that my reactions towards brown are more cultural and not as deep-seated. Then of course there is also the reference with brown to the taboo of feces, which adds another resistance to it on a cultural level.

Interestingly enough, I see that my slight aversion towards royal blue, beige and salmon pink also is a cultural aversion that stems from these colors being  popular colors in the 80s and so with me growing up primarily in the 90s, I then saw them as ahcaic and out of style.

My slight aversion towards other dark colors such as burgundy and dark green I see more having to do with me not being exposed to them as much growing up due to the fact that my mother had a distinct preference towards light, white and pastel colors.

In the next post I will continue with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements on these negative reactions and in posts to come I will continue with the colors that I’ve created a positive energetic reaction towards.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

 

 

I Am What I Feel I Am…or Am I? DAY 315

September 13, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

anatomy of the brain hd wallpaper 1024x640 I Am What I Feel I Am...or Am I? DAY 315In this post I will share some recent insights and realizations in relation to two specific points that has to do with how patterns move in ‘cycles’ or ‘stages’ and how I’ve defined and identified myself in relation to energetic experiences.

So the first realization that I’d like to share here has to do with ‘standardized’ patterns within me that I’ve participated within and that, if I do not direct them and myself within and as them to a point of practical correction, will escalate into more and more intense experiences. It is quite fascinating to observe, because there will be these ‘stages’ where, if I don’t direct myself to stop at that particular stage, the experience and possession will go to the next – predictable – stage. Let me give an example:

I have had a tendency of postponing things, making excuses and suppressing what comes up within me. I now have effectively started to stop that a while back. What then happened was that things changed in my practical reality where I had to prioritize some of my responsibilities over others. This then ‘opened the door’ for this pattern to re-instate itself.  It starts off ‘innocently’ with ignoring one thought or suppressing one experience. If I don’t ‘catch’ myself there and stop and correct myself, this ‘cycle’ starts moving. So first I’ll feel guilty and judge myself for having accepted and allowed myself to postpone, then blame and anger. Then I feel sorry for myself and feel victimized even though I was the one doing it to myself all along. Then I start feeling depressed and demotivated and do not want to participate in anything. Then the excuses become more and more. Eventually in my life this pattern at its worst have ended up with that ‘crawling into a hole’ experience where I’d sleep more, watch more TV and generally wanted to hide myself. But if I simply had corrected myself immediately when that first thought of “oh I’ll do this later…” for example came up, I could have spared myself all this inner conflict and turmoil that in turn made me ineffective in my reality too. It is really that simple: forgive, correct, and move on.

The other pattern I’ve been seeing has to do with emotional energy:

I’ve realized that I’ve defined my ‘where I am’ based on energetic and polarized experiences. So for example, if I’ve written a blog that I am satisfied with, I’ll feel good about myself, feel like I am effective and doing well. In that I will carry myself in a ‘successful’ and ‘confident’ way and will direct my reality accordingly, in an experience of ‘self-trust’ and ‘confidence’. Then, if something ‘bad’ happens where I make a mistake or I am shown or see for myself a point that I didn’t handle effectively, or for example now where I’ve not written many blogs or applied self-forgiveness and have started slipping back into past patterns, I go into an experience of feeling ‘low’, starting to become uncertain of myself, feeling insecure, thinking that I’m not good enough, what I’m doing is not effective.

I’ve then wanted to hold onto the positive side of things, the experience of myself as being effective, and the happiness. When I am in that state of mind, I convince myself that it is real, that I am ‘through the clouds’ and that my experience is simply an expression of my effectiveness. But the thing is that in those moments, when I come ‘through the clouds’ – I feel relieved. And then I start fueling the idea of myself as being effective, being alright, being on top, being ‘in the game’ – and so when I hit the low again through making a mistake or facing something contradictory about myself that doesn’t fit into the idea of effectiveness, I crash.

It’s like one of those scenes in sci-fi movies where the person was in a delusion/illusion and was seeing this wonderful environment, and then they abruptly wake up and realize that they are in a completely different place, a dark, dirty and wet place and that they had been fooling themselves into thinking that they are on ‘cloud 9’.

So I experience this rough landing, seemingly ‘back in reality’ – but where I’ve ‘landed’ is actually in the negative polarity of the exact same pattern, because it very strikingly goes from ‘everything is perfect, I’m awesome, I’m so effective’ to ‘oh my god I can’t do anything right, I’m totally fucked, I’m doomed, I’m simply not good enough’ – thus indicating that I haven’t landed back in reality but in another illusion/delusion in/through my mind.

Ironically it is so that the things that I do when I’m in this effective state, they ARE in fact effective, at least to some degree, because obviously since I’m bringing energy into the equation, it is not yet an unconditional and absolute expression of myself, which in turn also affects the outcome and consequences of my actions, for example that I miss points, that I’m not specific enough or that I’m acting out of a desire for energy, to create an ‘effective experience’ of myself. It’s the same with the negative polarity; it is not so that what I see about myself is totally false or untrue, it is more that I’m taking the mistakes I make, the ‘brutal truths’ about myself personally and react and define myself according to them. In relation to this I also see how becoming depressed and judgmental about the ‘negative’ sides of ourselves is a self-manipulation tactic because it takes all focus away from actually taking responsibility for oneself.

All of this goes to show how intensely and heavily I’ve relied on energy to define and move myself in my world and my reality. It is an extremely volatile cocktail because within making just one mistake that I then react to, its like my entire world crashes before my eyes.

This is also a different dimension of energy than what I’ve seen previously in relation to my specific relationship to energy, because it is very basic and foundational, which I see is how I have come to take it entirely for granted. So when something ‘good’ happens, I ‘feel good’ and I define myself according to that good feeling as ‘good’ and when something ‘bad’ happens I ‘feel bad’ and define myself according to that bad feeling as ‘bad.’ But these rules are entirely made by me, because I can make mistakes that I cover up or lie to myself about and don’t feel bad about and I can make mistakes that for other people might seem entirely harmless where I end up defining myself as the most evil person on the planet.

I realize that in relation to effectiveness for example, it doesn’t define me. Being effective is simply being effective. Not being effective is simply not being effective. I’ve realized that any experience is like an additional layer (of separation and illusion) on top of actual reality, because experience it, instead of being it, living it – immediately and directly. So an experience in this context is where the mind reflects on what is happening in physical reality and then interprets that and define itself according to it. An experience of ‘confidence’ is therefore not confidence in fact as a living expression of self, but a simulation based on how the mind had interpreted what ‘confidence’ is through memories.

Something that I’ve also realized in relation to seeing these patterns more clearly, is how I’ve made the assumption/conclusion that because I feel something inside of my body, it is ’me’ and so within identifying what I experience as ’me’ through reflecting myself back to myself, I not only amplify the experience by validating it as real, but also go look for explanations such as in the negative polarity that ”I am not good enough” for example.

Within this, I’ve realized that there are two different minds so to speak. There is the physically manifested experience-mind that is entirely infused into the body which is why we’ll experience things on a physical level as a ’feeling’ that we then interpret as reflecting who we are – and then there is the cognitive-mind, the thinking-mind that through words, images and specific memories interprets the experience-mind.

So let’s say for example that I’ve been used to being in a certain state of energetic reaction and now I’ve effectively transcended it and am generally more stable and silent within myself. The thinking-mind then looks at the physical body experience and looks for ’mental matches’ to determine what experience this is and will then define the experience as a ’longing’ or a ’depression’ because there is now a sense of a ’void’ after one had stopped the energetic experience.

The various parts or aspects of the mind are therefore in reflective relationships with one another, where we will use the thinking-mind to interpret and define the experience-mind and within and through that will accept that: ”this is who I am.” I realized that I had accepted and allowed myself to accept that because I feel something within me, it automatically means that I am that.

So what I’ve been practicing is to first of all feel the energy and look at the experience within it and then have a look also at the reflections of the thinking-mind’s interpretation of the experiences. I’ve realized that I’ve relied heavily on experiencing myself as something and within that, ’locating’ myself based on an experience and I realize that I’ve been wanting to hold onto that, because I wanted to hold onto the positive aspect or polarity within it. But obviously it is not worth it and is only to the detriment of myself and of the physical body.

The solution that I’ve then come up with for myself is to, in relation to the first pattern I shared, push myself to apply corrections immediately – to not wait or believe or accept thoughts as ‘harmless’. In relation to the second pattern, it has assisted me immensely; in fact the only thing that assisted was to apply self-forgiveness out loud while moving by body and my arms. Within doing this, I allowed myself to feel the energy and to see how the mind interpreted and attached the energetic experience with words like ‘weak’ an ‘unmotivated ‘and then I applied self-forgiveness on those experiences until I was clear within myself. I also spoke corrective and commitment statements in relation to no longer accepting or allowing myself to trust what I feel in my body as energetic experiences. This assisted me immensely and I learned the lesson to not wait until experiences escalate, because the more we let them escalate, the more the mind cements itself into the physical body where eventually we start seeing and accepting ourselves (and the world!) as that one experience, not realizing how we’ve cocooned ourselves in a virtual experience and that all along, we are still here in this physical reality, waiting for ourselves to wake up and snap out of it so that we can continue walking our process out of the mind and into life as who we are.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

favicon I Am What I Feel I Am...or Am I? DAY 315 I Am What I Feel I Am...or Am I? DAY 315favicon I Am What I Feel I Am...or Am I? DAY 315 I Am What I Feel I Am...or Am I? DAY 315

Perseverance: The Only Way Out is Through. DAY 314

September 9, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

image Perseverance: The Only Way Out is Through. DAY 314“All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” ― Samuel Beckett

“Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.” ― Robert Strauss

Perseverance

pəːsɪˈvɪər(ə)ns/

noun

noun: perseverance

1. persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success

persevere (v.)

mid-14c., from Old French perseverer “continue, persevere, endure” and directly from Latin perseverare “continue steadfastly, persist,” from persevereus “very strict, earnest,” from per- “very” (see per) + severus “strict” (see severity). Related: Persevered; persevering.

When I have looked at the word perseverance what came up is a judgment towards myself where I would look back at my past and see the moments in my life where I did not persevere but where I gave up easily, sometimes even before I had started something new. I defined myself according to my relationship to perseverance – or the lack their of, in the past.

So within opening this word up for myself I noticed something fascinating; how we tend to define ourselves according to ‘who’ we were the past and so limit ourselves to perpetually exist in the past, within saying that: “that’s how it’s always been so that’s how it is going to continue to be.” We don’t realize how much we are shaping the future to the very bounds and measurements we have created for ourselves, where we step into a self-fulfilling prophecy without knowing that we are the ones creating it; it doesn’t exist “because that’s how it has always been” but because we say it is so.

I also realized that I was cementing this limitation within myself in relation to the word and expression of perseverance by ‘proving’ my lack of perseverance to myself through counting all the times I didn’t persevere, and so I concluded that the likelihood that I won’t persevere in the future is that much greater because of what I’ve done in the past.

But – I didn’t for a moment stop and look at my relationship to the word perseverance, I didn’t look at redefining the word for myself, making it my own, taking responsibility for it and explore the practical ways I can – and maybe already have, lived this word without being aware of it.

When I’ve looked within myself at what perseverance is, I’ve seen an image of someone pushing up against a snowstorm in thick snow with a determined look on his or her face. They cannot see anything in front of them or around them, all they see is snow. And so they keep their eyes on their feet, placing one foot in front of the other, taking one arduous step after another. They will surely die if they stop, if they look up and start trying to orientate themselves, they will surely lose their balance. They might not know where they are or how far they have to walk to get to their destination; so in that moment they apply perseverance. When they feel a sting of fear towards going in the wrong direction, they keep their focus on their fear, when they feel tired and exhausted and start wondering how much further they have to go, they stop the thought, they silence it – and keep walking. That is perseverance to me.

So when I look at this image I’ve had of what perseverance is I see that I’ve seen it as this honorable and noble virtue, something that I would want to strive to achieve and that I don’t already live. I realize that the ‘issue’ that I’ve had with perseverance is that I’ve separated myself from the word and the expression of the word, and placed it on a pedestal in my mind. I realize that I have already lived perseverance and that perseverance isn’t always about surviving these arduous trials and tribulations, but can also be applied in the mundane day-to-day situations that one face in one’s life. An example is that when I ride my bike on a stormy day with rain pounding on my face and I feel how the wind is pushing up against me, I stand up on my bike and I push back and I push until I am through and I again can ride without risking being knocked off my feet.

The basic definition of the word perseverance is “persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success” and that is definitely something I see that I have done throughout my life. Looking at the root of the word and the origin of the prefix ‘per’ and the suffix’ ‘severe’, what steps forth is an even more basic definition of perseverance that can be interpreted as ‘very strict’ or ‘through holding’, So what I see is interesting in this context is how perseverance is an expression of self that steps forth when one is faced with a difficult situation and yet decide to stick to and walk through it. It is that ‘strictness’ with self that is needed in that moment of facing adversity, like in my example with the snowstorm above where the being would strictly focus on walking through the snow, one step after another and would not allow themselves to get distracted by neither external or internal influences.

So when looking at all of this, what I see is that I’ve taken the perseverance that I’ve already lived for granted, meaning: I didn’t realize that I was living and applying perseverance. I’ve then created this definition of perseverance in my mind as something noble and grand, and separate from me and have instead held onto a definition of myself as someone that easily gives up, perpetuating this definition into reality by making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. There are definitely areas in my life where I have not lived perseverance and therefore I cannot say that perseverance is yet an absolute expression of myself. I see that to live perseverance – or any word – as a living expression of myself, I first have to stop separating myself from the word and its expression and place it on a pedestal within my mind as something I’ve yet to attain to and secondly to stop holding onto a definition of myself as someone who does not or cannot live perseverance. I know now that I can – and that I have lived perseverance, but that I had defined the word as something more and bigger than me in my mind while holding onto a inferiorized definition of myself. I realize that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by how I’ve seen perseverance being portrayed in books and movies as something outstanding and noble that only a few people can muster up the courage and strength to live. I realize now that millions of people live perseverance every single day from they wake up until they fall asleep without seeing it as something special or grandiose, but something they do, because what else is there? Lie down and die? Give up on life? Of course not. So perseverance is not magic, it is not rocket science – it is simply that push we give ourselves to keep going when the road gets tough where we put our strength and focus into walking through something that may be difficult or where there is no immediate end in sight. We keep going, we keep walking – until it is done.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

 

The ‘Battle of Words’ Character. DAY 313

August 31, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

tumblr mhz3ohFUGc1rcq9lto6 1280 632x1024 The Battle of Words Character. DAY 313Why and how is it that we come to accept abusive and consequential behavior as normal in our relationships with others? Why and how is it that we have turned discussions and disagreements that could have been solved commonsensically and practically, into battles where we wage wars with each other through our words?

Throughout my life and especially during my childhood and teenage years I lived in a culture where it was normal to have hefty discussions and arguments. I remember sitting at house-meetings at the commune where I grew up where we would have these war-like arguments that to me felt like a battle for life and death. Through my discussions and arguments with other people I built and developed what I call a ‘battle’ character, in essence to survive in the ‘war of words’. It is interesting now that I look back at it to see how I was completely consumed with fear and petrification in those moments and yet I came to accept it as completely normal to ‘battle’ each other in discussions.

When I have discussions now with my partner, I’ve found that I often enter into this ‘battle’ character and had it not been for my partner pointing out that there are other, more supportive ways to communicate, I would have continued to think and believe that ‘battling’ is normal in discussions and arguments. My partner has often said to me that I sound very angry and it has often surprised me, because I do not feel particularly angry inside. It is more a way of communicating that I have learned growing up; if you want to have any chance at surviving in the ‘war of words’ you best suit up and get your battle-gear ready.

So as we were discussing this tendency and how it reveals itself in a difference in my voice tonality and the way I carry my body, I could see how I, when there is an argument/disagreement, literally start preparing myself for ’battle’. I put on my virtual helmet and armor and I grab my virtual sword and then I start fencing my opponent through words. Previously in my life this was the standard way of having arguments and disagreements with other people, but when you’re suddenly standing in front of an opponent who is gently asking you to stop and consider your words, it becomes obvious how unnecessary it actually is to approach discussions and disagreements and arguments as ‘battles’.

I’ve spent years perfecting the ‘art of war’ as battling with my body and my words in discussions with others, but I have not until now cared for or considered what effect it had on my physical body as well as on others. I believed that it was entirely normal and necessary to be able to battle others through words and that I would risk being squashed if I didn’t – and all the while it took a great toll on my physical body that I didn’t even notice, where I didn’t realize that to battle others, I was battling and defeating myself.

So I will here walk a self-forgiveness process to lay down my armor, my shield and my sword so that I can be here and participate in discussions and disagreements from a starting-point of common sense and stability, realizing that it isn’t necessary to battle one another simply because that is how I was taught growing up by observing my environment and then integrating myself into it.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step into arguments and disagreements from a starting-point of subconsciously and unconsciously thinking and believing that I am going into battle, where I, in a matter of a few seconds equip myself with a ‘virtual armor’ through which I prepare myself to battle my opponent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a virtual armor for myself where I harden my body preparing it for battle, where I tense my muscles and place all my focus of awareness and attention in my face, eyes, mouth, head and shoulders as though in that moment I only exist in those few places in my body, sharpening them as much as I possibly can, but without actually being more physically aware or attentive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sharpen and harden my eyes and my mouth and jaw and head especially when going into arguments and disagreements so as to present myself as stoic, strong, undefeatable to my opponent, so that they may be threatened by me and back down, so as to assert my authority over them and so as to boost myself because I actually come from a starting-point of fear and petrification towards arguments and disagreements

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately change and raise my voice tonality and the volume/depth of my voice so that I can literally use my voice as a weapon through which I attempt to dominate, convince and overpower the other person, ultimately so as to not risk going into a battle and losing but rather defeating them in having them stand down before the battle has even begun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in the battle character, experience and perceive myself consciously as strong and fierce and fearless and powerful and superior, where underneath it all and within my starting-point I am shaking in my pants in fear and petrification

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel proud of myself of how I am able to carry myself in arguments and disagreements i.e. how I am able to battle other people with my words, stemming from memories of being overtly scared of entering into arguments and disagreements, avoiding them like the pest and then looking up to women whom I saw as strong and scary and fierce and then making the decision within myself to become like them within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was in arguments and disagreements as a child and teenager, where I feared my opponent, especially other women, believe that I am inferior and that there is something wrong with me, that I am weak because I fear them and having conflicts with them, and that they then are strong and superior and within this look up to the expression of being fierce, sharp and authoritative, ranging on brutal in arguments and disagreements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to believe and accept that being brutal, fierce, sharp and overpowering towards others in disagreements and arguments is positive because I judged myself for fearing and being petrified towards having disagreements and arguments with others and within that concluded that if I were to have the same expression of fierceness I would be strong – not realizing that this is not real strength or power but in fact is abusive and bullying

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel petrified and anxious towards arguments and disagreements with people whom I perceive as being stronger than me due to how they carry and express themselves in the discussion, where the subject or topic of discussion becomes entirely irrelevant because the ‘battle’ becomes about who is stronger and can evoke fear in the other and make the other pull back and stand down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to believe that arguments and disagreements is about winning over the other person and that winning is all that matters, instead of actually focus on the topic at hand and looking at what is best for all in the situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel strong, powerful, invincible and superior when another backs down or stands down in an argument where I experience myself as a winner without even considering that winning the argument or the disagreement may not in fact be based on what is best for all but on evoking fear and petrification in another, making them feel inferior, weak and start doubting themselves simply because of how I present myself as being threatening towards them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to my partner speaking calmly with a soft voice when we have arguments and disagreements because he is not following what I’ve come to believe is the ‘norm’ of an argument and a disagreement and so because he doesn’t participate in the battle that I perceive the argument and disagreement to be, I can no longer battle him to win

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist letting go of and giving up my battle character, because I fear that if I were to do that, I would automatically lose and be squashed in arguments and disagreements, revealing the fact that underneath the battle character I am actually still existing in fear and petrification – when in fact disagreements shouldn’t be about winning but about assessing what is best for all in a particular situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that battling another is the only tool I have to effectively direct an argument or disagreement to what I see is best for all/commonsensical in the moment, when in fact the manifestation of the battle itself is not best for all or commonsensical and as such by accepting and allowing myself to go into the battle character, I negate any commonsense I might have seen, I make the discussion personal, competitive, ego-based and nullify any commonsense perspective I may have seen

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, consider and accept that it is possible to have disagreements with others without having to battle one another and where, if I don’t battle the other, it doesn’t mean that I automatically loose, because a disagreement is not about winning or losing, it is about finding a common ground to make decisions together based on what is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make disagreements and arguments about me personally where I believed and experienced that if I lose the argument or disagreement it was the same as losing a part of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that whatever perspective I come into a disagreement or argument with is automatically true or righteous simply because it is my perspective, thus coming from a starting-point of self-interest, where my focus is asserting myself – instead of actually looking at what is best for all and commonsense in the discussion

Self-Corrective and Self-Commitment Statements

When I hear my partner saying something that I do not agree with and I see myself tensing up immediately within my body as an indication that I am preparing myself for battle, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have integrated a ‘battle’ character into and as myself that I have accepted to be ‘who I am’ and activate as soon as a disagreement or argument emerges in my reality and that I therefore have to stop myself at a physical level because this character functions through my physical gestures and voice tonality.

As such I also realize that I have a gift in having these physical indicators that show me that I’ve gone into the battle character, when my eyes, face, jaw, head and mouth hardens and become stiff and all my attention goes to this part of my body and when the pitch of my voice becomes sharp, harsh and I speak very fast.

I commit myself to stop accepting myself as a soldier going into battle when I am having disagreements with other people.

I commit myself to stop fearing and being petrified towards having disagreements with other people.

I realize that I do not need to battle other people with my words and gestures when I disagree with them, because there is actually not anything that is physically threatening me by someone disagreeing with me.

I commit myself to stop fearing that I will lose if I do not win the battle of words with someone whom I am in a disagreement with because I realize that a disagreement is not about who wins and who loses, as it is about what is best for all and commonsensical in the moment, which isn’t something personal.

I realize that I’ve made disagreements personal and that I have believed that I must fight for my perspective or argument, within and as taking it for granted that because it is mine, it is automatically true or righteous, instead of actually looking at the disagreement from the perspective of what is best for all, what is commonsensical and in which person’s perspective alignments can be made to align their perspective to what is best for all.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in a disagreement, discussion or argument where I see that my voice tonality is high pitches, sharp and I am speaking fast as an indication that I’ve stepped into the battle character, I stop and I breathe. I take a moment to re-stabilize myself here in my body and I change my voice tonality back to my natural level and I soften my face, head, mouth, jaw and eyes and then I look at the different perspectives again in terms of seeing what is best for all and what is commonsensical in the situation.

I realize that there is no danger in ‘loosing’ arguments or disagreements and that if there is a true danger, then it is really not so much a matter of discussing the point as it is a matter of effectively directing the situation immediately in the moment. As such I realize that with most arguments and disagreements, there is actually room to breathe, step back and reconsider one’s own and the other person/people’s perspective

I commit myself to change my starting-point and approach to arguments and disagreements from fear, petrification and battle and competition to a practical assessment about what is best for all and what is commonsense in the situation. I commit myself to be open to the fact that the perspective I share and present might not be commonsensical and as such be open to reconsider my perspective and my starting-point in the situation without fearing to lose myself/my ground. I commit myself to, when I clearly see that what I present/share is in fact commonsensical and best for all, to assist and support those whom I discuss with, to see what I see – and even if they don’t, to not take it personally but to simply look at practical solutions and possible ways that I can implement what I see is best for all.

I realize that if I approach a discussion, a disagreement or an argument from a starting-point of battling or from a starting-point of fear of conflict where I take the argument or disagreement personally, making it about me winning so that I can have a superior experience of myself, I completely negate the actual point of commonsense and what is best for all that I initially saw, which completely nullifies what I saw, because I am not acting in accordance to what is best for all or what is commonsense in my approach to solving the situation. I am not standing as an example of what I see and I am not treating another as I would like to be treated – as such I commit myself to let go of the battle character and I commit myself to practice the point of speaking and communicating commonsensically as myself here, in stability, focusing on directing the situation and the disagreement to what is best for all.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312

August 22, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

when was the last time 1024x678 No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312During the past year I have been studying for my driving license and during that process I have had the opportunity to see specific aspects of myself that only emerges when I am in situations where I have to learn something new that I do not automatically and immediately find easy to do. During the process of learning how to drive, I have come to see additional aspects of this pattern where for example that I, through this pattern have created certain ideas about myself.

When you deliberately stay away from things that do not come easy or natural and when you focus solely on the things that you are already strong at and that comes natural, it is easy to create a delusional and warped idea about yourself. So I have created the idea that I am a quick learner and that I do not have to study much to pick up on things. Through this I have become rather arrogant towards learning, not realizing how it was so easy for me because I was deliberately selecting things I knew I would be good at and avoiding those where I was not. So on the one hand I had created this arrogant and delusional idea about myself as being superior because things came easy to me – HOWEVER on the other side of that polarity was the moments in my life where I, for one reason or another had no choice but to face and learn things that didn’t immediately came easy to me. The interesting thing about driving is that it is certainly not something that I have been particularly bad at – but my reactions towards it have shown me how much I have limited myself through this pattern, because I have created a scenario where it is difficult for me to face and learn things when they don’t come easy. I simply haven’t built a ‘stamina’ and perseverance for things that doesn’t come easy immediately, as I would simply give up immediately and accept that giving up as entirely normal and valid.

With driving however, it is something that I have always wanted to learn and because of the work situation I am in and that I will be in, in the future, learning how to drive is rather imperative – and so giving up is not an option.

What has surprised me about learning how to drive as well as learning all the theory that one has to know about driving, is how it is an actual education – at least here in Sweden. I realize that I had this idea about learning how to drive that it was simply a matter of ‘going with the motions’ and that learning all the rules and regulations was more a matter of formality than something that was actually important to know. So when I started taking lessons, both privately and at a driving school, I was surprised how long it took to learn and how much was involved, from hand-eye coordination, to knowing all the traffic rules. It has felt as though I was not moving forward because I kept making mistakes and saw that my progress was slower than I wanted it to be. I have gained a profound respect for the traffic- and road-system because I have started to see how logically it is built to secure everyone’s safety when driving in traffic, but also how immature I have been towards driving and being in traffic in general.

Without consciously thinking about it, I expected that learning to drive would be quick and easy – and now that I am doing it, I am realizing how much is involved in that physical process and that it requires me to be patient, humble and take the educational process seriously. It has shown me how important it is to grasp and embrace an educational process in such a way that one supports oneself to learn in the best way possible. I have also realized as I mentioned previously, how arrogant I have been towards learning new things and how this has affected the way I approach learning. Where I stand at the moment, there is no going back; I AM going to learn how to drive. I now stand before the last tests which will determine whether I get my license or not and I realize that I haven’t given it my all, exactly because of this pattern of expecting things to come easy to me on one hand and on the other tend to give up when they don’t. I passed the driving test which was really cool and a cool confirmation of the fact that I have actually learned how to drive, but I didn’t pass the theory test on the first try, which indicates that I didn’t study enough – and I expected myself to pass anyway.

I watched a video the other day where a guy talked about his experience with learning how to drive. One of the things he said was that he had never been a very quick learner, but that he would persevere because he never gave up on himself. I see how I have created and accepted myself within and as this pattern to be the opposite, where I’ve expected myself to easily learn things and thereby gave up on myself just as easily when I didn’t.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be arrogant towards learning new things, because I had created a delusional definition of myself as always being good at new things and learning new things – because I deliberately avoiding doing and learning things that didn’t automatically come easy to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide my insecurity, inferiority and fear of learning new things behind an arrogance and superiority towards things that came easy to me, where I created an idea and belief about myself of being superior because I suppressed and avoided anything within which I might feel inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into an experience of superiority of being really good at things, as an inflated idea of myself as ego, that was in fact based on avoiding anything and everything that I wasn’t immediately good at

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, through creating this inflated idea about myself, have created the consequence that I deflate as soon as I am faced with any situation where what I am learning isn’t immediately easy, causing me to be extremely sensitive to anything that doesn’t come easy, where I would immediately go into reactions of blame, self-blame, judgment, self-judgment, self-pity, inferiority, fear and give up on myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and feel that it is embarrassing when I don’t learn something immediately or understand it immediately, based on having created an expectation towards and a belief about myself that I am a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a complete and utter failure when I don’t understand or learn something immediately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry with myself and others and to blame myself and others as well as my external environment when I don’t immediately pick something up and learn and understand it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern where I immediately give up and give up on myself when what I am learning doesn’t come easy to me, because I have created an expectation to myself of being able to learn things easy and because I have never taught myself or learned how to face and walk through learning something that isn’t easy
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a definition of myself of being ‘more than’ and superior when things come easy to me and a definition of myself of being ‘less than’ and inferior when things doesn’t come easy to me, instead of approaching the point of learning something new practically, in realizing that there are certain predispositions causing me to learn more or less quickly, but that this in no way reflects on who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when things do not come immediately easy to me, it simply means that I require studying more, practicing more, integrating the new skill more and that this is not a ‘bad’ or ‘embarrassing’ thing that implies that I am a failure, but simply a practical understanding of what it means to learn something new that I haven’t done before

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be humble, patient and practical when it comes to learning new things because I have created the delusional belief that things should just come easy to me immediately without me having to put any effort into actually learning them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be disrespectful and arrogant towards the subjects that I am learning where I will blame the subjects themselves or something/someone in my external reality when I don’t get it, when the fact of the matter is that I didn’t actually study or give it my all, because I expected that learning would ‘come to me’ effortlessly rather than actually giving myself to it unconditionally

Self-Commitment Statement

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts about not studying or practicing something that I am learning, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I’ve created a pattern of arrogance towards learning new things where I, on one hand expect myself to get things immediately/easily and at the same time that I’ve used this as an excuse and justification to not face myself and push myself within learning something that doesn’t actually come easy to me. I commit myself to embrace and be humble towards learning something new and I commit myself to stop this pattern of reacting when I see that it isn’t something I can immediately pick up. I realize that there are not many subjects that I can simply pick up immediately and thereby I’m limiting myself greatly if I will only learn things that ‘come to me’ where I don’t have to put any effort into it. I commit myself stop participating in, existing in/as and accepting and allowing the polarity of superiority/arrogance vs. inferiority/giving up on myself to exist within and as me in relation to learning new things. I realize that for me to expand myself to live my utmost potential I am going to have to expand myself beyond my immediate comfort zone. And so I commit myself to support myself to build stamina, patience, self-support and perseverance when it comes to learning new things that takes practice to learn. I realize that I cannot expect myself to be great at everything I do immediately and I can also not simply give up on myself when I don’t know how to do something or if I don’t understand something immediately. I commit myself to push myself to learn, to embrace the moment of learning and to create a supportive learning environment, method and expression for/as and within myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

favicon No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312 No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312favicon No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312 No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312

Stopping the Momentum of the Mind and Starting Principled Self-Movement. DAY 311

August 10, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Momentum small 1024x768 Stopping the Momentum of the Mind and Starting Principled Self Movement. DAY 311In the last post I began to prepare the way before me in terms of integrating and living the words ‘determination’ and ‘discipline/self-discipline’ as inspired by seeing my partner’s effectiveness with living these words. It is now time to start implementing these words into my daily life and living application.

For reference to what I will be discussing here I suggest reading the two previous blog-posts:

Something I found interesting as I was looking at the words ‘determination’, ‘discipline/self-discipline’, ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’ is how they all fit together in the same type of expression or application. What I’ve started to see is that it all starts with determination, as my partner explained: to make a decision to move towards a goal or an outcome and then follow through with that. Discipline is then what is needed to maintain the determined decision, especially when and as long as the mind is still allowed to interfere, for example through ‘wants’ and preferences.

Discipline is what is needed to intervene when the “I don’t want to” thoughts for example come up, because as my partner explained: discipline is when you do something that you don’t necessarily want to do because you see the overall/long-term benefit of doing it. I also realized that this entire point, these words and their application – has to do with the decision to lived principled instead of preference-based.

These words serve as bridges when there are still mental preferences interfering with one’s principled living, where for example: when one lives the determination to live a specific principle absolutely, discipline will not be required because it is like an interceptive application through which one can correct one’s actions on a day to day basis. This doesn’t mean that discipline or self-discipline is then an ‘inferior’ or ‘lesser’ application or that its relevance is diminished simply because it is more a ‘bridge’ to absolute application rather than an expression of absolute application.

Because we obviously have to face the fact that most of us are still very much conditioned by and into the mind which means that our default movement is not yet self-movement but mind-movement, for which a form of constant intervention is then required until one is able to move oneself absolutely as an expression of oneself as living the principles that one has made the decision to live. Based on what I’ve found thus far, the words ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’ which I have yet to interview my partner about are more ‘outflows’ or physically lived expressions, for example of determination – however I also see that for those of us who haven’t either been programmed to automatically live these words or who live them as an innate expression of ourselves, it is required to include them in one’s determined decisions and the application of discipline. You could say that ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’ is the application/manifestation of self-discipline lived effectively.

I see areas of my life where I – and so my life in affect – can benefit greatly from directively implementing the word ‘determination’, ‘discipline’, ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’ – which are obviously especially the areas of my life where I have continuously allowed the mind to interfere, where I make decisions based on mental preferences rather than principles. So instead of now trying to implement these words on an existential level, which I see easily can become abstract, theoretical and overwhelming, I will begin by applying these words and their living applications, to the areas of my life and living where I see that they are needed the most.

For me to do this effectively I see that two specific points has to be clarified and cleared, like preparing the building of a new house where one has to make sure that the foundation is stable before laying the bricks that becomes the structure of the house. Firstly I see that since determination is the starting-point of the effective application of the words ‘discipline’, ‘focus’, and ‘consistency ‘ – or rather that without determination, the decision to live principled or to manifest a certain goal into reality – there is no point in living the words ‘discipline’, ‘focus’, and ‘consistency ‘. This is in itself interesting because I can see how I have in the past failed because I tried to live these words but without an absolutely clear and determined starting-point, for example because my decisions were based on ideas/beliefs/desires or in separation from myself for example through following another’s determination. Secondly, because I realize that living these words effectively, has to do with intervening the point of making decisions from within/as the mind – this is something that also requires awareness; to understand what it is I am doing.

For example: When I don’t want to do something that I am supposed to do, like something that I see would benefit me and others or even something that is required for me to effectively sustain myself financially or otherwise, I have to obviously understand ‘what’ and ‘who’ and ‘where’ that want is coming from – meaning: to understand that the ‘who’ that wants to NOT do what I’m supposed to do, is NOT ‘me’, is not ‘who I am’.

It might be who I’ve identified and defined myself as throughout my life, but since I am here walking this process to walk out of the mind and into life as a being that represents and lives the principle of what is best for all in equality and oneness, it is not who I decide to continue to be, live and exist as. I cannot even say that it is ‘who I am’, because where does these wants come from? Where does these resistances come from? If I have a preference to do or not do something where I am actually compromising my life and being and even abuse myself and so others, how can I then accept that “this is who I am”? And if it is indeed ‘who I am’ – it means that ‘who I am’ is something/someone that is abusive and compromising, which is obviously not what I would prefer.

So in a way you could say that this is about getting my priorities straight, about changing who I am and thus changing my preferences from being based on preprogrammed and learned patterns that are compromising and abusive (which this entire world is an example of) – to preferences that priorities a life that is best for all and a ‘self’ that is supportive, expansive, grounded and that makes decisions towards becoming and living my utmost potential.

So this is what I see is required, in those moments of making the decision to apply self-discipline for example: that it is a decision in that moment of ‘who I am’ and I see that this intervention in awareness is required, where I make myself aware that the ‘who’ that wants to sabotage or compromise or abuse is not who I am but a set of patterns and behaviors that has been learned and programmed. Simply because “that’s how I’ve always been” it doesn’t mean that I have to forever live as this.

And the thing is: there is so much to do in this world to change the current situation, there is not a moment to waste, there is no point of waiting for change to come. So I actually see how living these words is an important and imperative part of my process – and the process of all of us – to walk from accepting ourselves as moving on the momentum of the mind, to stop that momentum, however ‘convenient’ and ‘comfortable’ it may feel, to begin the process of creating a momentum of principled living. So a momentum in this context is the physical movement, for example of a wheel, where it is first placed into motion by an external force like a hand pushing it into motion, but due to the physics of the wheel’s mechanics and the general physical laws of nature it will eventually gain a ‘self-movement’ – a momentum where it runs and moves without having to be pushed – it becomes effortless, one turning of the wheel propels the next.

It is the exact same we’ve been living, where we’ve followed the momentum of the mind, making it very easy for us to simply ‘jump on the bandwagon’ so to speak, because we didn’t have to do anything. We could simply ‘jump’ on the mind and let it move ourselves for us. Now we have to stop and intervene that momentum, so that we can create a new momentum that is based on principled self-movement. However – that cannot be initiated without the initial push and in the context of the process I am walking here, that is the word ‘determination’ and its supportive applications of ‘discipline/self-discipline’, ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’.

In terms of the practical implementation and application of the words ‘determination’ and ‘discipline/self-discipline’, I’ve been looking at lot at how to effectively implement these words into my life. And what I realized after several days of pondering back and forth was that I had gone into a resistance towards actually living these words. I was starting to see it as very difficult and complicated and I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to follow through with it. So what I see is that the practical application is actually very simple. It is simply a matter of doing it.

So my practical application commitment has to do with specific areas of my life as I mentioned that I see would benefit greatly from me living the words effectively. An example could be a project that one would like to undertake but where one has been slow in moving oneself to actually get it done. Here I make the commitment to utilize the principle of accumulation – which is something my partner has introduced me to – where, all that is needed is often to do a little bit every day to slowly but surely start accumulating results. Another example could be behaviors that one sees are compromising/abusive for oneself, for example towards eating things that are not supportive for one’s physical body. Here I commit myself to apply the point of bringing myself to the awareness of ‘who’ it is that is carrying a preference to do something onto my own body that is not supportive and then making the decision and determination to support my body. I also commit myself to make clear goals for myself – which is the point of making a determined decision where I make it clear for myself why I am applying a certain principle and choosing that over the mind’s preference, so that I can consistently adhere to this decision and then utilize self-discipline in those moments of ‘wavering’ where I stop the momentum of the mind and push the momentum of principle into application. Here I also see that it is relevant to understand that because the momentum of the mind is already in motion, it will be ‘spinning’ faster, more intense and with more force than the new momentum of principle. This is also exactly why discipline/self-discipline may be required in the beginning because the movement of self, based on principle is not yet ‘self-moving’ and therefore requires to be consistently pushed until it – and one – is self-moving.

So this is the first part of my self-corrective process. I will apply what I have learned and realized to two specific areas of my life and will take it from there in terms of seeing where adjustments may be required. I will write down and specify for myself what exactly it is I am doing, what principles it is I am deciding to live and why, what it is I am intervening, what goals I have and what commitments I will make to effectively implement these principles into my life and living.

I realize that I require stopping the momentum of the mind so that I can initiate the momentum of principled living and self-movement. I realize that stopping of the mind’s momentum as well as the initiation of the principled momentum of self-movement requires a push because the mind’s momentum because it is already running with an automated’ force’ and the principled momentum because it is not yet running. This is exactly what I see is the entire purpose of living the words determination, discipline/self-discipline, focus and consistency.

Something additional that was shown to me today by a friend is that the starting-point of even walking determination comes from a decision within/of/as self and that in the context of the process that I’m walking here, the point for me especially – also in relation to seeing my partner as an example: is to slow myself down and through and within that slow down the mind, stop rushing in the mind so that I can move and make decisions based on common sense.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

From Feeling Intimidated by, to Exploring Another’s Expression. DAY 310

August 3, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

is someone looking up to you   by nehpets From Feeling Intimidated by, to Exploring Anothers Expression. DAY 310In this post I am continuing with the point of feeling intimidated by another’s expression and effectiveness and I will in this post share self-forgiveness as well as begin the process of changing my relationship to the words determination, discipline, focus and consistency in relation to seeing my partner living these words effectively. What I decided to as a first step in terms of practically correcting this point, was to interview my partner about how he lives the words ‘determination’, ‘discipline’, ‘consistency’ and ‘focus’ and I found it to be a cool practical application. So when you see someone living a word or an expression effectively in a way that you’d like to learn, you can ask them if you can interview them and then write down questions about this expression or application that you are curious about or that you’ve found yourself struggling with that they might have interesting perspectives on. Through interviewing the other person, it becomes more of a ‘scientific’ or exploring process in terms of understanding how a certain expression is practically lived rather than being something that is taken personally as something that some people ‘have’ or ‘don’t have’.I suggest reading the first post for context on what I’ll be walking here.

Feeling Intimidated by Another’s Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to admire my partner and to be impressed with him and how effectively I see him living the words determination, consistency and discipline and focus – and instead of utilizing that as an example for myself that I can apply in my own living, have become intimidated by my partner’s effectiveness and started comparing myself to my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to slowly but surely over time, through participating in backchat, belief, ideas and reactions towards seeing my partner as effective, have gone from simply seeing his effectiveness to feeling intimidated by it and compare myself to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated by my partner’s effectiveness when it comes to what I’ve seen as him effectively living and expressing the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become intimidated within seeing my partner as being very effective, as though he is the very embodiment of perfection when it comes to living the words determination, consistency and discipline and focus.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compare my own effectiveness/ineffectiveness within living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency to my partner through looking first at him and then at myself – and within this react and experience myself as inferior to my partner and my partner as superior to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, the more I saw my partner as effective, the more I compared myself to him, the more I widened this gap of comparison in my mind, where I saw him as more and more effective and superior and myself as more and more ineffective and inferior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my partner’s effectiveness within living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and see it as nearly perfect, as the epitome and embodiment of what it means to live those words and within comparing myself to that perfection that I saw in my partner, think and believe that this is how you live focus, discipline, determination and consistency, that if I were to live those words, this is THE way to live them and therefore, for me to also become effective, I have to be exactly as my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that for me to become effective within living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency, I must live and express these words exactly as my partner does

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an equation in my mind where, through seeing myself as inferior to my partner and through seeing my partner as superior because of how effectively he lives the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency – for me to become equal to my partner and no longer be/experience myself as inferior, I have to become and live the words exactly as my partner does

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency exactly in the same way my partner does, in order to equalize and balance out the inequality and the gap that I’ve created between us in my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and to become frustrated with myself when seeing that I find it very difficult, if not impossible for me to live and express the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency exactly as my partner does

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and judge myself and feel ashamed and useless because I find myself unable to live and express myself effectively in the exact same way my partner expresses himself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and define and accept myself as inferior to my partner because I am not able to live or express the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency as effectively or in the same way that I see him doing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself as being lazy, unorganized, unfocused, inconsistent and ineffective when I look at myself in comparison to my partner in relation to how we live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed and apathetic within thinking and believing that I can never become as effective as my partner at living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for explanations as justifications and excuses outside of myself as to why I am unable to live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency as effectively as my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother and my upbringing in general for me not having integrated or learned to effectively live the word focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to diminish my partner’s effectiveness in my mind in an attempt to equalize myself to my partner in my mind, where I think that he is only so effective because that’s what he’s been taught growing up and as such that there’s an unfairness to why he’s so disciplined, determined, focused and consistent, where I experience myself as a victim of circumstances and thus give myself permission and justification to abdicate responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there’s something fundamentally wrong or flawed with me, that I in who I am, am simply not good enough, since I cannot live up to my partner’s effectiveness in living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and as such because of this, have accepted and allowed myself to give completely up on myself and developing these words in and as an expression of myself because I’ve justified my ineffectiveness as a permanent part of ‘who I am’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify giving up on myself in terms of developing and integrating the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency effectively into myself, my life and my living through defining myself as fundamentally ineffective and my partner as fundamentally effective as though ‘who’ my partner and I are in relation to the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency are inexorably determined

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as standing in my partner’s shadow when it comes to living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency – where I feel like my partner is SO effective that I cannot possible live up to that and thereby accept and allow myself to justify giving up on myself and simply accept that my partner is the one who is able to live these words and not me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame, resent and resist his partner within and as thinking and believing that his effectiveness is overshadowing, blocking and inhibiting my potential to live and express the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency – within thinking and believing that if I cannot be exactly as my partner, then I cannot live these words at all and should just leave it to my partner and give up on myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and deceive myself into believing that it is a good solution to let my partner live and represent the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and then I can lean on him and let him take the lead whereas I can lead in other areas of our lives and as such use this to justify to myself the deception that I don’t have to live these words, because my partner can live them for both of us

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency on and towards my partner where I have accepted and allowed myself to become complacent, apathetic and dependent in accepting my partner as the one that has the responsibility to live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and thus that I don’t have to and that I can’t live these words, thus making my application even more ineffective as well as compromising my communication and practical living with my partner as well as my own life and process

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider or realize that because my expression is different from and unique to my partner’s and because I’ve had entirely different experiences growing up, that me living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency will and cannot be exactly the same as how my partner live them and so because I thought that I could only live them in the way he did, I gave up on myself instead of actually investigate these words for myself and how I can live and express myself through/as them independently of how my partner or anyone else lives or expresses these words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because discipline for example has not been a very big part of my life, my experience or my application throughout my life, that this word and the living application of this word is then closed off to me, instead of giving myself the opportunity to unconditionally explore and investigate what it would mean for me to live this word in, through and for myself – and for example within this, learn from my partner and others whom I see are effectively living the word discipline

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no words, expressions or living applications are closed off to me, as though it is only some people who can live or express them, or that if you haven’t had experience with a word or an expression growing up, then it is simply too late and you’ll have to accept your limited expression and application

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and to not realize and challenge how extensively I’ve limited myself – to a certain set of skills, applications and expressions, where I never actually took the opportunity to learn from others but instead saw there expressions as intimidating and exclusive, where the more effective they were, the less I believed that I too could be effective – when in fact, someone being very effective within a certain application or expression ought to be seen as a gift and an opportunity to expand – and not as something that limits me even further into not expanding myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity and the gift to unconditionally learn from my partner and his expression of focus, discipline, determination and consistency and that I have instead denied myself the opportunity to expand and support myself within and through these words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my own self-imposed and circumstantial limitation a comfort zone where I accepted and justified that I didn’t have to push myself or take responsibility for myself because I accepted myself as fundamentally flawed – and so for example in relation to discipline saw it as an ‘easy way’ out of not really giving things my all or pushing myself to the utmost and therefore could slack

Preparing the way before me.

Something that I have found interesting but also somewhat concerning is how I have previously written a lot about for example the words discipline, determination and focus and yet it is not something that I have changed on a fundamental level within and as myself, my process and my life – which is obviously also why I would react to my partner’s effectiveness within and as living these words. I’ve also talked to my partner previously for example about discipline and have asked him how he lives this word, but it was rather casual and I see how when I was asking him I was still in the experience of inferiority towards him where I had basically already given up on myself in relation to effectively living the word. So what I have done this time, is to first of all realize that this is not about my partner or how he lives the word discipline for example. It is about me and how I live the word discipline. This does however not mean that I can’t learn from my partner. So when I was looking at how to apply a practical correction for myself, I decided to interview my partner on his relationship to the words discipline, determination, focus and consistency. This practical application simply opened up in a moment so I will be walking the investigating and correction process simultaneously as I share in these blog-posts.

I can definitely recommend that if you see something in another that you’d like to develop for yourself, to ask them if you can interview them. This is how I did it: At first I asked my partner if I could interview him about discipline while we were driving the other day. But instead of coming from a starting-point of inferiority and within that also an insincere ‘decision’ to change, I decided to be directively inquisitive and really get to understand exactly how my partner lives the word discipline. Because you know, when we see something in another that we’d like to live for ourselves, we tend to only see the result of a process of application – which is also why we’d conclude that “they’re like that and I am not”. So I decided to go about it very concretely and practically, where I asked my partner questions in relation to discipline:

“What is discipline to you?”

“How do you live discipline?”

“How would you define discipline?”

“In which situations do you find it supportive to apply discipline within yourself?”

“Is it something you do actively or is it automated?”

“Have you always been this disciplined or have you practiced it?”

“If you have practiced it, how did you practice it?”

“Can you share an example?”

So through asking my partner all these questions that naturally came up within a moment, I got to understand not only how he lives the word discipline – that it is not simply ‘who he is’ or ‘all he is’ but in fact a specific practical application that he utilizes in his life – but I also got some practical tips for how I can apply discipline within my own life. So what my partner for example said was that discipline to him basically is “doing something even though you don’t want to do it.” When I asked him how he applies discipline he said that he reminds himself of how the long-term benefits of what he’s doing far outweighs the immediate costs. He also explained how this is quite natural for him and thus no longer is something that he actively has to think about or remind himself, he simply knows that it is cool and self-supportive to rather do what needs to get done even though he might prefer doing something else. He also explained to me how he knows that he’ll be grateful if he does it and that if he doesn’t he’ll have this point hanging over his head that he knows he should be doing.

Later that day I interviewed my partner about this relationship to the word determination and this time we sat down and I wrote down his answers as we were speaking. I found that this worked much more effectively and I definitely see how this is a cool way that one can communicate with someone who one sees is living a specific word in an effective way. Through interviewing my partner I make the process of investigating how he is living a word, both something practical but it is also a bit like doing scientific research where one is digging into the details and specificity of how a particular word is lived and expressed.

This is what my partner said about determination:

How do you live the word Determination?

I live it through making a decision that “This is what I want to do” then I look at what I have to do to get there. Then I begin doing that. The reason why I’m so determined is because I feel like it’s a personal investment where I made a commitment I made to myself, so then its like I am failing myself if I don’t walk the decision

How do you stay determined?

It’s because the decision I made is still the one I made. I have it in my awareness at all times, so I don’t think about.

How do you change non-determination to determination?

Then it’s because I have not made a decision yet, the point has not yet become me, it’s subject to energy, motivation/de-motivation.

So how do you change that?

Then I make a decision for myself. I look at: what is it that I want to do? How? When? I also look at how I can make myself more and more determined. It’s a passion for self-expansion. It’s fun to become better at things.

Something that I noticed as I was looking at the word determination together with my partner was that his relationship to the word is still to some extent contingent upon energy, hence the ‘feeling’ he is describing of making a personal investment. This was interesting because before I interviewed my partner I had as I mentioned in the previous post more seen him as being ‘perfect’ or ‘complete’ in relation to how he lives the word determination, but now I realized that there is a lot more to living a word than the ‘result’ that I see. It is not that it is ‘bad’ that my partner to some extent has an energetic motivation within living the word determination, but as we were talking about it, we also discussed how this is something that he can correct within his relationship to the word. We also discussed how, initially one might have to work with the mind, especially if one has not yet lived a word effectively, within for example making an agreement with oneself in the mind that “We do this now and then we can relax” for example. But this is obviously not the ‘end goal’ in terms of how to live determination. So what I realized is that we tend to see other people – especially when we feel inferior to them, as these ‘complete’ and ‘perfect’ human beings, when in fact they are not; we’re merely seeing them through our polarized ‘lenses’ where every thing looks extreme. It’s the same when one feels inferior, because it is like it’s one’s entire beingness and existence that is the problem, when often it is simply a particular application that require alignment.

Something else I noticed as I interviewed my partner is how, once a word is lived effectively, one literally become the embodiment of the word – meaning that one’s living of the word is direct and immediate, i.e. that there is no thought process and no ‘initiation’ process involved, where one for example has to use thoughts to motivate oneself. Something that I liked that my partner said about determination is how it is something that he has in his awareness as a decision that he’s already made where the actual movement/living of the decision is moving on the momentum of the decision. This also means that there’s no struggle, no question, no uncertainty – you simply walk the decision that you’ve made. Something else that was cool was that my partner used my relationship with our cats as an example, and within that he showed me an example of how I already live the word determination in a way that was contextual. This was very cool because this way I could relate what he was saying back to myself and see the ‘mechanism’ he was talking about within myself. He explained how I for example have the cats in my awareness at all times, but that it is not something that I have to think about. My application in relation to the cats is therefore effortless as the decision to take care of them in the best way possible is already made; so giving them food, taking them in or out or keeping an eye on them is something that I simply do.

After I had interviewed my partner I noticed that I wanted to go and write my blog and how this ‘movement’ towards taking care of my responsibilities came up within me in a different way than I have experienced before. I found that quite interesting and I have seen before how, simply by starting to open up information about a particular point or pattern, one sometimes already starts changing it, simply through becoming aware of it.

What I realized mostly from interviewing my partner is that living the words ‘discipline’ and ‘determination’ for example has to do with living principled instead of based on preferences. In a way it is like going against one’s ‘nature’ or that which one is used to, that which ‘feels good’ – and I see how this initially might be based on either a pragmatic reminder to oneself or even a deliberate and directive process of self-manipulation based on understanding how the mind works and operates. In the next post I will discuss more about how I practically am going to implement and live these words and I will also interview my partner on how he lives the words ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

Feeling Intimidated by Another’s Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309

July 31, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

 Feeling Intimidated by Anothers Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309I have for some time experienced myself as standing in the shadow of my partner, especially when it comes to particular expressions and applications of my partner in and through which I have seen him as being very effective. The words that I have identified in relation to this expression/application are: discipline, determination, consistency and focus. In investigating this point for myself I have come to see how I have felt intimidated by my partner’s effectiveness – meaning: the more I looked at him and saw how effective he was, the more intimidated I felt and the more I compared myself to him and found myself wanting/lacking that which I saw in him. And instead of then looking in common sense at what I could learn from him, how I could integrate the effectiveness of my partner into my own life/process, I did the following:

I retreated/gave up and started widening the gap within comparison between us, where the more effective I saw him as, the more ineffective I saw myself as. So when looking at how self-disciplined he is, I saw myself as not disciplined. I also looked at our lives before we started our agreement and within that found a ‘justifiable’ explanation – where I actually deceived myself into giving up, because of seeing how these expressions were 1) something that’s natural to my partner, it’s simply who he is and 2) that he had learned for example how to discipline himself growing up where I hadn’t.

So I made the conclusion in my mind as well as in conversations with my partner and others that “He’s so disciplined, he’s so consistent, he’s so focused, he’s so determined – it’s simply who he is. I on the other hand, I am NOT disciplined, it’s not something I learned growing up” (hence blaming it on others/my environment) – and “I’m simply not like that” (blaming myself, believing that there’s something fundamentally wrong/flawed with me). What I did with all of this information was that I subconsciously justified that “he’s like that and I am not.” Where I completely gave up on even learning from my partner. Because I was so intimidated by his effectiveness, seeing myself as sooooo far back that I would never possibly be able to become (like) him. And this is an important point because, as I’ve been looking at the point now, I’ve seen how I thought/believed that I was supposed to become my partner and be exactly like him – that that is what ‘discipline’ for example is, like he’s the epitome, perfection example of what the word disciplined means. And because I could see/understood that it was impossible for me to literally become my partner, I gave myself a justification to simply give up.

However – this also created a lot of conflict, both within myself, between myself and my partner as well as in my world. Because, there are obviously certain moments, certain points that benefit from or even require being directed through expressions/applications such as discipline, determination, consistency and focus.

But I simply gave up – in the face of my partner’s effectiveness; seeing that because he was so effective, I could never be that and then I gave up. So what I actually did was to create a dependency/leaning on my partner where I subconsciously decided that he was going to be/represent those applications/expressions in our life and agreement and that I would then take on/represent other points. But what that also meant was that I actually gave up on myself. Because in the end – although this process affects and has outflow consequences on our agreement practically, it’s not actually about my partner, but about myself in my own process.

And I can see how I’ve limited myself through perceiving myself as standing in the shadow of another, instead of looking at the words in the context of my own expression: how would I live determination? What is discipline to me? How can I effectively implement focus and consistency into my daily application? Because I cannot become my partner. It is physically impossible. I cannot express myself exactly like him, because we have had entirely different lives growing up and are different and unique within whom we are.

So the more I saw him through comparison, the more ineffective I actually became, especially when it came to projects we were collaborating on or in relation to our agreement. Interestingly enough, this point was not an issue when it came to responsibilities or tasks that I had already established my self-direction in that had nothing to do with my partner. In those tasks I trusted myself, in those tasks I lived discipline, determination, consistency and focus, some more than others. So what this shows is that the potential to live the words exist within me, I simply haven’t fully integrated them into the totality of my being as an absolute expression of who I am. They are conditioned to circumstances, to beliefs, to self-definitions and to ideas, which makes them unstable, volatile and not really fully grounded in my expression as who I am.

Through this self-fulfilling prophecy that I amplified through comparison where I conditioned myself more and more into seeing myself as less than my partner, the more ineffective I became. It became this struggle within me of seeing myself as “I am simply NOT like that!” and “SO how do I become that??” And the more I did this, the more I actually separated myself from my own grounding, from my own expression – from actually looking at and embracing these words in me/as me. Because when I live and express determination for example or consistency as a living expression of whom I am, it will be expressed through me based on who I am. It might be different from how my partner expresses or lives consistency or determination or it might be similar. But the point is that I have seen these words/applications/expressions as so intimidating because of how effective he was within and as it, thinking that the only way to live these words was to become exactly like him, and since I couldn’t do that – I retreated and gave up. I also created a resistance towards my partner at the same time as I admired him and placed him on a pedestal within my mind, which created conflict, both within me and in our communication.

What I hadn’t realized is that simply because I cannot live determination or consistency or focus EXACTLY as my partner, it doesn’t mean that I cannot learn from him. It doesn’t mean that his effectiveness is in any way overshadowing, suffocating or inhibiting a potential within me. Quite the contrary.

If we for example look at the fact that my life has been rather lacking of discipline and then the fact that this is something that my partner is very naturally effective within AND it is also something he’s been taught growing up, I have the perfect teacher, I have someone who’s really standing as an example of what it means to live discipline effectively – which gives me the opportunity and the potential gift to learn from him and to develop discipline within myself as an expression of myself. Here it is not about assuming my partner’s expression to the T, again as though I have to become him.

No – instead it is about looking at: what is discipline? What does it mean to apply/express discipline? How does he practically go about it? Did he learn any techniques or tools growing up that I could learn from? Has he any insights about how to apply self-discipline that I could learn from? And then from there, it is about me then taking that and applying it in my own life, in my own process, within my own expression. And Maybe I won’t live discipline the exact same way my partner does and maybe he can then actually learn something from me, because I’ve not grown up with it, it’s not something natural for me, so I’m walking this process for the first time, creating/recreating and integrating this word for myself as a living word.

So maybe I will live or open up dimensions of the word that my partner hadn’t considered and maybe that will assist him to expand himself in relation to how he lives the word. So this is the solution and correction process I will be walking for myself, where I will be investigating and exploring the living application of the words that I see that my partner lives effectively for myself, so that I can integrate them into myself/my life/my process, not in a comparison to my partner on in the shadow of him, but rather inspired by him, through learning from his example which is a cool example of what it means to live these words.

I realize that this pattern – which is actually a pattern of self-sabotage and self-limitation is one that I have lived, not only in relation to my partner but also in relation to other people in my life. And I see how we as human beings through such patterns will limit ourselves to certain specific skills/expressions within being intimidated by the effectiveness of others – when we actually could have learned and expanded ourselves through seeing the effectiveness of other’s expressions as gifts and opportunities. We tend to glorify and place people on pedestals and see them almost with a godly fear and us as standing in their shadows. We then let them lead and accept that they embody these expressions and we don’t when that is absolutely unnecessary and in fact something that limits all of us. The solution is thus for each to learn from one another, but to also come back to the grounding within one’s own expression of asking the simple question: How can I live this word? How can I integrate this word into my life? Instead of thinking “I wish I was like them” or “They are so amazing, why can’t I be like that” or “I will never be like them” – which are all statements of self-limitation, self-sabotage and in fact: self-dishonesty. Because if there is one thing we have established in this process it is that the potential of life exists within each of us. Words are not limited or finite or exclusive to certain people. It is not like there are only so many skills to go around or that only one person can embody a certain expression leaving others lacking that expression. It is not like simply because someone expresses something more effectively than I do at this point in time, that this expression is entirely impossible for me to live in/as myself.

And so the solution here is to ground oneself in practicality, exactly as one would learn any skill or expand oneself to express oneself in a new way: through practice, through learning from the examples of others, through defining for oneself what a word means in effective application, through actually living it – where it is not about seeing myself as a finite sum of certain skills of expressions that can never change or be expanded upon, but to realize that I create myself in every moment. There is thus no excuse or limitation to me expanding myself, especially when it comes to expressions and applications that will support me to live what is best for me, my utmost potential, and so best for all.

In the next post I will walk Self-Forgiveness on the reactions I have created towards my partner and how I have limited myself in comparing myself to my partner, so that I can prepare the way before myself to stand on my own two feet in discovering, exploring and living the words determination, consistency and discipline and focus.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

favicon Feeling Intimidated by Anothers Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309 Feeling Intimidated by Anothers Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309favicon Feeling Intimidated by Anothers Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309 Feeling Intimidated by Anothers Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309

The Volatility of Energetic/Emotional Experiences of Value. DAY 308

July 28, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Realizing Your Self Worth The Volatility of Energetic/Emotional Experiences of Value. DAY 308Recently I had quite an interesting insight about the way that I defined my own value. I was busy working with a group of people and I noticed myself going into an energetic experience of anticipation towards them applauding or being impressed with what I was saying. As I later investigated the experience through self-forgiveness I realized that I had defined my value as an energetic experience, meaning: when someone applauded me or said something complimentary about me, I would create an experience of being valuable within myself. If they then did not applaud me or if they would criticize me, I would create an experience within me of being without value and/or being worth-less. As I started investigating the point of valuing myself I realized that I had defined value as an experience and then to gain value, I would have to seek out the experience of feeling valuable which I had attached/associated to others for example applauding me. I would then have to be strategic about what to say and how to say it in order to hopefully, maybe impress others to then applaud me. What this would mean is that I would compromise my expression, I would go into competition with others, I would speak only to get that energetic experience of feeling valuable and I would most certainly not listen to others, support them or be interested in what they had to say. I realize how it is similar with other points, in how I have perceived/interpreted them based on energetic experiences – examples could be having an experience of confidence instead of actually living confidence as an expression of myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe and define my value as an energetic experience of feeling valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as valuable only when others explicitly show or say that I am valuable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an addiction towards the energetic experience of feeling valuable that I generate within myself when others compliment me or when I perceive them as being impressed with me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the energetic experience of feeling valuable that I generate within myself when others compliment me or when I perceive them as being impressed with me, is not something that they are creating within me – but that I am creating within myself based on a belief that my value is derived from others recognizing value within and as me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately speak and write and do things in order to get others to compliment me or be impressed with me, so that I can generate an experience of feeling valuable and thereby believing that I have value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of excitement and euphoria when others compliment me or applaud me where I get high on the experience of feeling valuable, for a moment perceiving, defining and believing myself to be valuable – until the energy wears off and I again have to go chasing the experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to equate others indicating/recognizing me as valuable with being valuable and thus that I have made my value depending on an experience and on others recognizing my value, completely separating value from myself as something that I create and that exists within me unconditionally

I forgive myself that I, because of the relationship of separation of value from myself that I have created, have created a want/need/desire within me to seek out other people’s approval/recognition/validation, where I do and say things – not because of a natural expression of myself, but strategically to gain value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel devalued and worthless if others criticize me, where I go into an experience of shame, self-judgment, self-blame and depression because I believe and have accepted that my value is something entirely volatile that can be given to me or taken away from me in an instance – where even though it changes from one moment to the next I believe it to be defining the totality of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately go into competition with others because of my addition towards creating an energetic experience of feeling valuable based on being complimented by others, where I try and be better than others so that I can maximize my experience of feeling valuable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when speaking to others, not listen to them or be here with them, because my mind is preoccupied with what I can say so as to get them to value me so that I can get my energetic fix of feeling valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my physical body through trying to impress others and get them to compliment me so that I can experience myself as valuable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be willing to compromise myself and to cross my own self-honest and physical boundaries just so that I could create an experience of feeling valuable based on others complimenting me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent to which I’ve compromised and enslaved myself based on the addiction I’ve created towards generating an experience of feeling valuable when others compliment me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and desperate when people would not applaud/compliment me in spite of my advances for them to do so, not realizing how people pick up on the fact that I am not genuine or authentic in my expression and that I am desperate and therefore may or might create a resistance/resentment towards me because they sense that I want something from them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an innate belief/assumption that ‘who I am’ must be felt – such as feeling confident or feeling valuable and that if I don’t feel it, then I am not it – when in fact real confidence or value is something that I can only live as an expression of myself as actually becoming/living the word/virtue

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a constant state of trying to prove my value to others – thus making value something entirely volatile that can change from one moment to the next, instead of being a constant, stable and real expression of who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how – the more I look for value outside of myself, in others, the more I actually separate myself from the value of myself here through being preoccupied with value as being something that I don’t have and that I have to gain from a starting-point of ‘lack’ and self-interest, not realizing that the only place that I can find and develop value is within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive and accept it as physiologically impossible for me to value myself without being validated by others, like that option simply does not exist within me – because I inherently see myself as not having value – or rather: do not understand what value is because all I’ve ever known it as has been an energetic experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider how value is the extent to which I am beneficial or useful to existence/the world/myself as a practical measurement of my movement and impact, not as any energetic experience or feeling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider or understand that self-value is thus the understanding and recognition of my own usefulness, both within real-time application and as a potential of who/what I can become i.e. what I make of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how, when I allow myself to chase an energetic experience of feeling valuable, I am actually ironically devaluing myself, because I am not making practical use of myself to the utmost of my potential – but am instead valuing (making use of) only myself in/as the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how value is simply a measurement of usefulness in terms of how beneficial something or someone is, but also within this how value is in essence a construct and not something that defines me as more or less in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how in an optimal world, value wouldn’t even be relevant because everything and everyone would be living according to their utmost potential and as such there would be no need to value/devalue anything or anyone as measured against one another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must value myself, that self-value is an important part of the process of walking out of the mind, when in fact I realize that when I appreciate myself here, when I recognize my own actions and the impact they have in self-honesty, there is no need to measure myself based on a construct of value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hold onto value as an energetic experience of feeling ‘more than’ in comparison to an experience of feeling ‘less than’ as an energetic high through which I can feel that I have a purpose in this world

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to experience an ‘urge’ as a movement within me of energy to speak/act from a starting-point of wanting to impress others or prove myself to others – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to the stability of myself. I clear myself and speak when I am clear in my expression, that I am not expressing myself to ‘get something’ but simply as an expression of how I am in that moment or as a point of practicality where I see that it is supportive to speak/act in a certain way.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react when others compliment me or when I perceive that they are impressed with me, where I see that I experience myself energetically high I stop. I breathe and stabilize myself here.

I realize that I’ve separated myself from value as myself which is in essence simply the recognition of myself here, where I don’t have to either value or devalue myself. I realize that I’ve made myself addicted to an energetic experience of feeling valuable based on feeling validated by others through their compliments or my perception of them being impressed with me and that this is inherently linked then also to an experience of myself as being worthless/unvalued. I realize that value is simply a form of measurement and that I don’t actually need to value or devalue myself – because I can live and exist here in an recognition of myself and my potential in self-honesty.

Something interesting that I am seeing is that in Danish the word/sounding of the word value is like ‘Being-I’ where ‘being’ is a verb, so ‘value’ in that context is simply the recognition and living of who I am and I realize that the word ‘value’ in itself as a measurement is only relevant in the context then of not knowing/recognizing/being self-honest about self and thereby having to measure self.

I commit myself to stop the addiction I’ve accepted within and as myself to the energetic experience of feeling valuable/devalued. I commit myself to stop looking for value inside and outside of myself. I commit myself to stop accepting myself as valuable/worthless and I commit myself to focus on bringing myself and being here in a recognition of myself here in self-honesty where I decide and express myself without creating an experience of myself. I commit myself to stop speaking/acting to deliberately ‘get something out of it’ but to focus on speaking/acting as the expression of myself. I realize that I don’t have to be ‘valuable’ in the eyes of others or even in the eyes of my own mind/myself because with value comes devalue and as such I would accept devalue as much as I accept value. I realize that this is not necessary for me to recognize and appreciate my own expression and to self-honestly asses my own contribution in this world.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt.3 – DAY 307

July 21, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

denial2 1024x575 Stifling Self Through Suppression   Pt.3   DAY 307In this post I am continuing with investigating and changing my relationship to suppression and how I’ve used suppression as a way to hold myself and what comes up/exists within me ‘under the radar’. Through investigating the extent to which I’ve used suppression as a mechanism to not have to face/deal with/direct what comes up/exists within and as my mind, I have realized that I suppress far more than I was aware of. What has been cool about this investigation however is that I’ve started to see that suppression doesn’t ‘just happen’ by itself. Although it has become quite automated, I have realized how I suppress using very specific ‘strategies’ and self-manipulation tactics and justifications – which obviously then also exposes the point that suppression is something that we do deliberately, with the intend of keeping parts/aspects of ourselves ‘out of sight’ and not as we would justify it as being a way to ‘get rid of’ or push something away. There is no ‘away’. It all goes right back into our physical bodies and the depths of our minds where we have no directive awareness which means that we aren’t actually aware of what happens to the points/experiences/aspects of ourselves that we ‘push under’. This is for example what can cause those sudden moments of emotional explosion where something that was suppressed resurfaces like a volcano under pressure with an almost violent force that can’t be controlled. It also goes to show how important it then is to stop suppressing and instead implement self-supportive tools to deal with what comes up/exists within one’s mind and oneself.

For context, read part 1 and 2 here:

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a point/experience/thought comes up in/through my mind that I see requires direction, tell myself to “look away”, that “It’s not that bad”, “It’s just one thought” where I know exactly what I am doing – I am suppressing what comes up within me, to not look at it, to not deal with it, to not take responsibility for myself within and as it – and thus in that moment abdicate myself to the mind, identify myself as the mind, accept myself as the thoughts, as the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through/as the mind, to not deal with/look at/direct what comes up within me through/as the mind by making the justification that “It’s not that bad” or that “there are so many points coming up that I can’t possibly deal with them all, so I’ll just let this one slide” – when that is in fact a deliberate suppression mechanism and I know that if I direct myself immediately and in the moment, I am capable of handing/directing anything that comes up within me – by being prepared, by me standing stable and solid here, so that the mind does not ‘wash over me’ but that I stand ready to ‘receive’ and direct whatever comes up

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to, in a moment of seeing a point/experience/thought coming up within me that I see requires direction and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to make excuses and justifications to not face/direct/deal with what comes up, for example through saying that “It’s not that bad” or “there are too many points come up, I’ll let this one go” – I stop and I breathe and I let that thought go. I commit myself to direct what comes up within me immediately and directly and I commit myself to be diligent and persistent as I keep pushing myself to change this pattern of self-suppression into self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive and manipulate myself into believing that “I’m letting it go” when I see a point/experience/thought coming up that I know I have to direct, where I’m not actually letting it go – and I know that I’m not letting it go, because of who I am within that moment of self-suppression

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to, in a moment of seeing a point/experience/thought coming up within me that I see requires direction and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to use the thought “I’m letting it go” as a self-deception and manipulation tactic – I stop and I breathe and I check within myself whether I am clear, whether there is a energy in my solar plexus. I realize that I know the difference between having actually let something go and simply telling myself that I’m letting something go, where it’s actually part of a self-suppression mechanism that I’m deceiving myself through. I commit myself to stop deceiving myself into believing that I’m letting something go, when I can clearly feel that the point is still here within me. I realize that when I deceive myself into believing that I’m letting something go, where I’m not, that I’m undermining my own self-integrity, self-honesty and self-trust, because I’m using what was supposed to be a real letting go as an excuse to actually remain and hold onto what came up within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what comes up within me as experiences/thoughts/memories where it is either something that scares me, that I fear or it is something about myself that I don’t want to face/admit, with deliberately using the words “Oh no, not this” – where I am literally standing AS self-suppression, within and by the decision to suppress myself, where what I had already suppressed resurfaces and I react to it as though it is threatening me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist facing what exists within/as me as the mind, because I fear that it will threaten the ‘stability’ of ‘who I am’ – when in fact, I can only fear what exists within me, if I am living on a lie, because otherwise I would simply embrace the totality of me unconditionally – so what this indicates is that I’ve been living on a lie, pretending that certain aspects of me are not a part of me, only wanting selective aspects – thinking that I can hide and push away those aspects of myself that I don’t like/don’t want, which is actually a double-suppression/deception mechanism, because when I suppress those aspects of myself and hide them from myself I further consolidate their existence within and as

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that suppressing actually has the exact opposite outcome of what my conscious intention with suppressing is; in terms of ‘letting it go’ and pushing away the parts of myself that I don’t like or that I don’t want to associate myself with – because when I push them away, into me they get their own ‘life’ in depth of the mind where I do not yet have directive awareness which means that I can even less direct them or let alone stop or change them, thus implying that suppression from the mind’s perspective has the exact opposite purpose – of actually holding onto and remaining within and as those points rather than letting them go

When and as I see that I react in fear and resistance to what comes up within/as me through the mind as experiences/thoughts/memories where I immediately want to push it away because I don’t want it to surface and ‘contaminate/threaten’ who I think I am here – I stop. I breathe. I push through the resistance and I face myself. I realize that the only reason why I would fear something that comes up/exists within me is because I’m living a lie. As such, the fact that these points/experiences/memories/thoughts come up is actually a gift and an opportunity for me to face the lie that I’ve accepted myself as, and to instead embrace the totality of me and from there enable myself to make directive, self-honest decision about who I am going to be – rather than ‘who I am’ being a result of a ‘censoring’ where I highlight the aspects of myself that I like and suppress the aspects of myself that I don’t like. I realize that I am never going to be able to change or stop the aspects of me that I don’t like or that I don’t want to exist as, unless I actually embrace them as myself unconditionally and direct myself as them in full awareness and self-honesty. I commit myself to stop reacting in fear and resistance to what I see/what comes up within me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and deceive myself through thinking and believing that “I don’t know what this is so I can’t deal with” when a point/experience/thought comes up within/as me through the mind where I deliberately confuse myself and make what comes up ‘unclear’ and ‘blurry’ and where I think that “It is too chaotic/confusing, so I need more time to process it” when in fact – what comes up within and as me, is me, and therefore is my responsibility. And because I have the tools of self-forgiveness, writing, breathing through experiences – I don’t have an excuse to not face or direct points because I know that I can make something clear for myself and even if I can’t there are actually people in my world that I can talk to, which means that there’s no excuse to not direct points, simply because I don’t see them clearly within the moment.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to feel confused/unclear/overwhelmed about what comes up within me through my mind – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have the capacity to deal with and direct everything within me, even if I’m not able to immediately, I have tools through which I can enable myself to direct whatever comes up. Therefore I realize that being confused/unclear/overwhelmed is not an excuse to not deal with/face/direct what comes up within me. I commit myself to – when I feel overwhelmed/unclear or confused about what comes up within me, to utilize the tools of self-support that are available to me, of writing, speaking self-forgiveness and talking to someone about it – so that I make sure that I direct whatever comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use physical techniques of suppressing where my suppression-mechanisms has become so automated that I immediately act physically through for example becoming tired and then deciding to go to sleep in a moment of facing a point/experience/thought or where I’d divert my own attention to something else than what I am working with, for example in writing myself out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, participate in and automate suppression-mechanisms where I will physically/mentally push points away within me or for example quickly apply self-forgiveness and then deceive myself into believing that I’ve “taken care of it” when in fact I can check within me whether there is still an energetic experience or not – which is the point of cross-reference for whether I have actually released a point or not, but instead of utilizing this cross-referencing tool, I’ve used my mind as thoughts through which I’ve then manipulated and deceived myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that none of these suppression mechanisms could work, without me deliberately deceiving myself and lying to myself – because I know exactly what I’m doing and have done it anyway, using thoughts as an excuse to abdicate responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse thoughts to manipulate myself and then within separating myself from my thoughts, from my mind, have abdicated responsibility through blaming the mind for being responsible for manipulating and suppressing me – when I in fact as the directive principle of myself, the one that decides am the one that has instigated and used the thoughts to manipulate myself

When and as I am facing a point and for example am in the middle of writing it out and I see and feel an ‘urge’ to get up and move or go to sleep or where I ‘suddenly’ am reminded about something else I should do – I stop myself. I breathe and make the directive decision to stay here, to not suppress myself but to face myself directly and immediately. I realize that suppression is actually a postponement mechanism, because what exists within me doesn’t go away – therefore I’ll simply have to face myself again later. As such, I realize that I can quantify my process and make everything a lot more practical and simple for myself by facing and directing a point within the moment. I realize that I do not need to suppress myself, if I embrace myself and walk with myself here in self-support in self-honesty. I realize that I have the ability and the capacity to face myself and direct what comes up within me through the mind in the moment and that it is my responsibility to direct whatever exist within and as me. I commit myself to stop acting within/through self-suppression and I commit myself to perfect and practice this new application until directing myself immediately becomes a natural expression of myself as who I am in relation to the mind and to myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Plugin from the creators ofBrindes Personalizados :: More at PlulzWordpress Plugins