April 13, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life
I am continuing from the previous post where I investigated my relationship to decisions and decision-making. Here I am thus investigating the aspect of decision-making that has to do with making commitments to walking a decision through and the consequences of not doing so.
I have found within myself a tendency to not commit myself to fully to projects, people, decisions and other points in my reality that requires a commitment to work effectively. I have now seen the result of a process of commitment, of making a simple decision to dedicate oneself to something and how much one can expand oneself and how simple it becomes to walk a decision once a commitment is in place. So based on this, I now have a baseline for and an understanding of the importance of making commitments. Just now a memory popped up of when I was a child and how I loved swimming in the ocean even when it was cold. Because I had already made the decision to swim, it was as easy as taking off my clothes and walking into the water, no matter the temperature. But when I got older I became more complacent and was not as much here within my self-expression and physical body and so I would say I wanted to swim, but when I got to the beach and it was cold and freezing, I stuck my toes in the water and debated with myself back and forth if I should go in, that it was probably too cold. And more often than not, I would retreat and not go into the water and I would regret it because I had actually wanted to go in. This is quite a cool analogy for this point with making commitments – because the commitment, a real commitment within myself to walk a point through, makes the decision certain and there isn’t a point of wavering or making excuses or justifications to back out. So I will here be applying self-forgiveness on the starting-point for not committing myself to something that I see and realize is best to do as I cannot deny the importance of commitment nor the disablement of non-commitment and the consequences thereof.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or admit to myself that when I don’t commit myself to something that I see and realize is best is not because “there’s something wrong with me” or that “I have a problem with making commitments” or “I was raised in such a way that I now have trouble making commitments” – NO – it is because there is something else I have already committed myself to, even if it is at a level of subtlety and the subconscious or for example committing myself to fear without having made an actual conscious decision to do so. I realize that my commitment is reflected in my actions. Whatever I have committed myself to, is what I will give time, attention, focus, care and consideration. And this might be different from what I am consciously thinking about myself – especially when it is something that I know isn’t in my best interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately avoid making commitments because this way I can remain within an illusion and delusion that I am free to do as I want and that others can’t have expectations of me that will be disappointed and thus I won’t anger others and I won’t have to stand accountable in case the decision and commitment was a mistake – - – not realizing the consequences and side-effects that I am creating from NOT making commitments and how that in turn affects other people’s lives.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid making commitments from a starting-point of fear and thus by doing so committing myself to fear, literally making a contract with fear, signing myself over to fear and thus accepting and allowing fear to be my directive principle
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be so preoccupied with avoiding the potential feared consequences when making a commitment (the commitment being a mistake, others being disappointed in me, being trapped in a decision) that I have justified and seen it as perfectly reasonable and sound to not make any commitments – in fact I’ve rejoiced in not making commitments, defining myself as ‘more free’ and ‘more flexible’ because of it – when in fact not making commitments has had the consequence that much of my life and how I’ve put myself into it, has been of little to no value or substance, because I’ve been half-assing myself through life deliberately devaluing and degrading whatever or whoever I was participating with, wasting my own and other people’s time in the process, not actually learning anything or expanding myself because I was ‘gliding’ on the surface – never actually getting into the deep end of the point I was working with
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make up all kinds of excuses and justifications for not committing myself, especially within the context of blaming others and victimizing myself, projecting the responsibility for me not committing myself onto others and thus abdicating my self-responsibility and thereby disempowering myself in a delusion that I am making myself ‘more free’ by not making commitments
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions to take on responsibilities like being in a relationship with another person or embarking on a job or an education without actually making an absolute commitment within myself to do so and therefore throughout exist within and as a state of being ‘half’, because I am not actually committed to the decision that I have made and therefore do not honor the decision or walk it through with dedication or effort but instead fake my way through it to convince myself and others that I am committed when in fact I am not
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pretend to myself and to others that I am committed to do something when in fact I am not – and thus create consequences for myself and for others, because my actions do not match my words and thereby I become untrustworthy and unreliable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself and convince myself into believing that I can walk a decision effectively without actually making a commitment to walk that decision fully and absolutely in utmost dedication to the fullest of my potential – which is something that I have seen time and time again and every time I have blamed myself or blamed someone else, instead of looking at the simplicity of my starting-point within making the decision in the first place and whether I have actually made a real commitment to walk the decision through or not
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse and justification that “There’s something wrong with me” and “I’m flawed” so as to explain and justify to myself and others why I haven’t made a commitment to walk a decision through – which is exactly as excusing what we’re doing on this planet with saying that “It’s human nature, you can’t change it” or “we’re only human” – when the fact of the matter is that we are the ones who have created ourselves as who and what we are – and therefore it is my responsibility and thus ability to change and correct myself, no matter how ‘wrong’ or ‘flawed’ I am. Being ‘wrong’ or ‘flawed’ is thus not laurels to rest on – it is errors on the construction of myself that I must remediate through a process of self-correction and I have seen it is possible and therefore I have no excuse but to do so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk a self-directed and self-honest process of specific self-investigation when and as I am facing a decision that I see is best but where I also see that I am resisting to make a commitment to walking that decision – - so as to get to the bottom of what it is that I want out of not committing myself to walking the decision and correct it so that I can change ‘who I am’ in relation to the decision and thus walk it fully and in an absolute commitment to see it through
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a decision is not a real decision unless I make an absolute commitment to see the decision through – because otherwise I stand wavering and unresolved within my decision, which means that my foundation is faltering and shaky, thus making it more than likely that I will fall within my decision, that I will give up, that I will be influenced – just like with the decision to swim in the cold water without a commitment, where I let the temperature affect me and use this as an excuse to not go into the water, whereas when my commitment was absolute there was nothing that could stop me from going into the water
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-dishonest when it comes to making decisions because when I haven’t made a commitment to walk the decision through, it also means that I haven’t made a real decision in fact and as such I am trying to ‘have my cake and eat it to’ – meaning: to walk the decision but without standing accountable and responsible within that, ready to face whatever comes my way and to stand through it no matter what
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and avoid committing myself absolutely to a specific decision that I am facing in my world and reality because I know that making the commitment means that I have to give something up – namely a comfort-zone that I (in self-interest) would prefer keeping where my life is easy, where I don’t have to put too much effort into what I do, where I don’t have to push myself and a limited definition of myself that I am comfortable with because it is all I know – - and because within it, I don’t risk anything – when in fact this is all one giant big limitation where I am denying myself the exploration of a part of myself that I have never explored before, an exploration of life that I have never explored before and a process of self-expansion that I don’t know where will lead, but that I know will take me out of the ‘me’ I have come to know and accept as ‘who I am’
When and as I stand before making a decision and I see that I resist making an absolute commitment to walking this decision, I stop and I breathe. Before I continue walking the decision, I make sure that I clear my starting-point and that I investigate the resistance to making the commitment and accordingly clear myself of any desires and wants to remain non-committed, so that when I walk into the decision I do so absolutely. As such I commit myself to prevent myself from walking decisions half-assed and non-committed and thereby prevent myself from existing on a lie where I pretend like I am committed when I am not. I commit myself to stop making decisions that I am not committed to walk, because I realize that such decisions are not real decisions in fact, but decisions walked within a lie to myself and to others. I commit myself to walk the absolute commitment of the decision that I have made to embark on a specific journey in my life and within this I commit myself to investigate in more detail the limitations within and through which I am holding myself back from making a full commitment and within this correct myself practically – so that I can place myself within and as a solid and sound foundation and stance within myself and as such make an absolute commitment to stand by and see through the decision that I have made.
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