Listen to Your Body, then Hear Who’s Speaking. DAY 344

A friend said something recently that I found to be profound and that assisted me to open a point wi

Letting Go of The Burdens of The Ghosts of The Past. DAY 343

The past week my partner and I have been busy clearing out space on his mother’s farm, going throu

Self-Empowerment Through Principled Living. DAY 342

In the last two posts I’ve investigated two ‘extremes’, radical self-unschooling on one hand a

 

Listen to Your Body, then Hear Who’s Speaking. DAY 344

February 26, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

body ownershipA friend said something recently that I found to be profound and that assisted me to open a point within myself. She said that abdicating responsibility for oneself is the same as not having the will to live, because real Living, becoming life, living, is only possible when one takes responsibility for oneself. Abdicating responsibility for oneself is thus abdicating oneself as life.

Throughout my life I wouldn’t say that I’ve been the best at taking care of myself. As a small child I suffered some physical ailments that caused my food intake to be very restricted and I developed a stark polarity where I saw all ‘unhealthy’ foods as being the equivalent of ‘freedom’, ‘independence’, ‘self-empowerment’ and ‘fun’ – simply because they were that which I couldn’t have. I don’t remember having a negative relationship to the things I could eat or drink. So it was more the comparison and polarization of the fact that there were things I couldn’t eat/drink that made me desire it.

So what I’ve come to realize is that as a child, I experienced my body being subject to the control and influence of adults and that I had no power over what to do with my own body. It was and quickly became a negative relationship to anything that had to do with the body.

A couple of examples:

When I was a child I suffered from a milk and food-coloring allergy. This meant that virtually all candy was off limits to me. I’ve gone through many a children’s birthday party staring at the other kids eating candy and ice cream and drinking soda, whereas I was restricted to eating raisins and drinking water.

I remember a particular incident when I was around 6 or 7 years old where I had a severe case of the flu and quite a high fever. I had created a conflicted relationship towards showering because it was again something I was being forced to do and so that day my mom forced me to shower, until she saw me shivering in the shower with pale blue lips and realized how sick I was. I tried telling her that I was sick, but she shrug it of because she thought I was faking it and so she quite brutally forced me to shower. Afterwards she apologized many times and was very ashamed. I remember how I felt so righteous and at the same time I felt so violated and betrayed by my mom.

In kindergarten the teachers several times decided that the children had to eat ‘odd foods’ to ‘expand’ our ‘culinary’ horizon. So several times they forced us to eat foods that most kids don’t like, which – also again because of the point of force – created such a huge drama that one time kids (including myself) were vomiting and refusing to eat.

So I developed a distinct polarized relationship between doing what is best for my body being associated with something adults would say to me and eating what’s not best for me as something I decided for myself:

“Vegetables are good for you, eat it.”

“Don’t eat too much candy, its not good for you.”

So if we look at the symbolic representation of what ‘food I am not supposed to eat’ represent to me, it is the words ‘freedom’, ‘independence,’ ‘self-empowerment’ and ‘fun’ and this attachment still exists to this day where it (obviously on my decree and permission, whether conscious or unconscious) tends to override common sense consideration of what is in fact best for me.

So there’s a desire towards an idea of ‘freedom’ and ‘independence’ caused by a perceived lack of ‘freedom’ and ‘independence’ – starting when I was a child, where I associated my food restrictions with being held back by adults, not realizing how my mother especially was doing the best she could to take care of me.

I can see that the way it is manifested now is more that I exist in a dichotomy between responsibility as a duty which is something very serious that I feel burdened by, that I feel immense guilt towards, where there are constantly things I ‘should’ be doing that I’m not doing – and then the indulgence and ‘cheating’ on the other side where I for example occasionally allow myself to eat foods I know aren’t best for me.

So my desire for freedom, independence and self-empowerment is actually a desire to be free from what I am already doing to myself in my own mind. So as much as I love doing things that I’m not supposed to do, because it makes me feel empowered and liberating, I am also equally addicted to being hard on myself, to come down on myself and to constantly think about all the things I should be doing and that I’m not doing.

So my question is this: how do I get from this point, to a point where choosing that which is best for me becomes a natural and obvious choice? What is it that I have to let go of to start living that which is best for me in fact?

This is now something I have been practicing, because what is obviously relevant here is the point of practically correct myself in my physical day-to-day living.

So for example recently I’ve been craving licorice for some reason. Normally I wouldn’t allow myself to indulge in something like licorice specifically because its on the idea of ‘don’t eat’ and ‘candy’ list which mean that I would either completely ignore it or I would binge eat and get a stomach ache. So I decided to honor my urge for licorice (which may by the way indicate a deficiency in the body) and then as I was eating these ‘hot’ licorice, I started noticing that I was getting a belly ache and that it was burning in my mouth. Now – this was a ‘make it or break it’ moment for me, because I knew in that moment that this was it, this is the exact moment that requires correction, where I’ve all my life listened to the mental (and sometimes psychosomatic or mentally induced on the body) urges while entirely ignoring any signals from my body that something isn’t good for me. I had the opportunity to now change what ‘voice’ I would listen to; the body’s or the mind’s.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and to judge myself for never having considered or honored myself within and as my body and the needs and requirements that I have within/as my body to sustain myself to live

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react in shock and self-judgment within seeing and realizing that I’ve never honored myself within and as my body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of total separation from myself within/as my body where all I have ever honored was my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life predominantly only listen to and honor the mind, while ignoring and compromising myself in/as my body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience friction and conflict within myself when I’m presented with having to make the choice between what is best for me within my body and what I want/prefer in/through the mind, where I know that I am compromising myself by choosing that which I want in the mind over what I know is best for me, but do it anyway, partly out of habit, and partly because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the mind override and dictate the physical for so long

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a symbiotic relationship with the mind where I perceive the mind as giving me ‘maximum pleasure/experience’ and where I’ve defined ‘mind choices’ as choices of freedom and fun and excitement and choices of body as boring and forced upon me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I created this pattern as a child, where the needs of my body was the responsibility of adults and where I thus separated myself from the body into the mind, where I perceived/believed/accepted the mind as being ‘me/more me’ because no one would dictate or could control me within the mind, whereas my body was subject to outside influence

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an association between taking care of the body and the body’s needs and requirements with a loss of freedom, with restriction, with being forced by others and with something that is generally boring, tedious and dutiful

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and exist within and as a relationship of polarity and friction between the mind’s wants and ‘needs’ and the body’s needs where I’ve associated all preferences/wants that starts in the mind as being inherently positive, because they weren’t dictated to me by someone outside of me but were coming from my own inner secret ‘being’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see or understand that the wants/desires/choices that comes up within me through the mind aren’t actually free as they too are conditioned and subject to influence, both directly and indirectly, but where it is more subtle than the control that I experienced on my body as a child, because the influence on the mind is something that is not directly spoken of, but is being carried out for example through advertisements/television and through observing others and how they react/respond to things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I choose something from a mind starting-point, then this decision is automatically more free and therefore more exciting, more fun, more alive than when I choose from a body starting-point, because I have associated the mind with being me, with being secret inside of me and not subject to influence, whereas I’ve perceived/experienced my body as being under the control of others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disassociate from my body and thus from myself as the physical and within that even go to the point of alienate, judge and blame the body for its needs/requirements – because I as a child experienced my body being subject to control by adults and experienced that the subject of my body, what I do with it and what goes into it, is something that I have no control over, and therefore my body’s requirements does not belong to me and therefore I am separate from my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility for giving and providing for myself as my body, what I need to sustain myself as a physical living organism because I’ve created a mental relationship of polarity and conflict towards fulfilling the body’s physical requirements within feeling forced and restricted by adults who told me what I could do and not do with my body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as a child believe and accept that I cannot be trusted to provide for my body and within that accept that an adult must take responsibility for providing for my body, thereby separating myself completely from getting to know and understand my body and its requirements and as such abdicating responsibility for myself as the body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a conflicted relationship to the point of caring for my body, specifically within and as experiencing myself as a child being unrightfully treated and violated when adults forced something upon me that I knew/could feel wasn’t best for me, but where I had accepted them as the authority over my body’s needs and myself as untrustworthy to take responsibility for my body – essentially causing me to turn against my body and blame it for my experience of being violated and betrayed by an authority that was supposed to know what’s best for me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am actually the only one who can ever know what’s best for my body as I am the one who is in/as the body with its specific and individual composition and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate that responsibility for myself through accepting the adult/child power dynamic as valid and then blame the adult when they acted on that authority in ways that wasn’t best for me, instead of developing my ability to express what is best for me and stand by that, even in a situation where my physical needs are cared for by others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn against my body and to experience and perceive the body as a traitor, as a form of dead weight that I am dragging around and that is being a party-pooper by having these needs and requirements that means that I can’t just gorge or indulge or go full on out on candy or rides or other forms of stimuli that I’ve associated with ‘being free’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to later make that into a spiritual quest, where I literally thought and believed that to be free I had to get rid of the body and be ‘mind/spirit’ only – never realizing that what I was reacting to was not the real body in fact, but my conflicted and polarized perception of it in reaction to being controlled as a child

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rebel against being controlled by another human being, by turning against my own body/myself to spite them and get free from them, not realizing that by doing so I was shooting myself in the foot and was not only compromising and abusing myself, but was in fact enslaving myself and making myself subject of control of a different master, namely the mind-consciousness system

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to carry this relationship between honoring my body’s needs and following my mind’s desires on into my adult life where no one was controlling me or what I do with my body where I’ve continuously kept ‘fighting the fight’ against ‘control’ through deliberately doing what my mind wanted and ignoring what my body needed and within that, subconsciously believing that I was ‘standing up for myself’ and ‘freeing’ myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pride myself off of ignoring the body’s needs and taking this self-abuse to the limit of placing myself in physically harmful, dangerous and abusive situations where I would even get/create a positive experience out of harming the body, essentially within seeing the body as an extension of the control I was subjected to as a child, because the control was primarily done onto my body/having to do with my body – and not in any way seeing/honoring the body as life/as me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have misdirected what I saw as a child as the unacceptable in adults controlling children’s bodies, where I tried freeing myself through turning on myself, not realizing it was myself I turned on because I was in such a state of separation from myself that I couldn’t see/realize/accept that the body is/was me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ever only see/identify/experience ‘myself’ in/as the mind, where I saw and defined ‘me’ as my ‘personality’, my feelings, my thoughts, my fantasies, my imaginations, my preferences because these were ‘within’ me – whereas the body was ‘on the outside’ of me and was subject to control by others, not realizing that every single part of my mind is preprogrammed either genetically or epigenetically and is therefore not ‘me’ in the sense of any essence, as the mind is a system that simulates life/essence/being – and even the body is a programmed simulation, yet at the same time consists of life-substance which is the essence of what gives ‘life’ to the body and the mind all together

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ignore the needs of the body because I saw the body as an enemy, as a stranger, as an object, as a vessel, as an image, as something that I am forced to be with, but that is not who I am, because I have separated myself from the body as myself and have accepted myself as mind only – never realizing that I am both and that it is from within the body that life can be born from the physical, as the body is substance and life is substance, whereas the mind is a simulation of substance/the creation of substance

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I was born into this world, everything was in place and preprogrammed for me to abdicate responsibility for myself as the physical and only accept myself as the mind, and that for example the relationship between adults and children where adults have authority and power over the child’s body is part of that process of self-abdication and separation where I came to turn against the body through associating the body with enslavement and thus the mind with freedom – which was exactly the point of it all, so that I would be forever trapped in the ‘magic’ of the mind and would never ever turn to the body and realize the potential of the substance of life within/as me

I forgive myself that I, by abandoning myself as the body, by separating myself from the body, by abusing the body, by accepting the body as subject to someone else’s control, have abandoned myself as life and have locked myself into an existence of enslavement within an illusion of trying to get to substance, to freedom, to life – - – through the very abdication of life as who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and scared of having to now embark on the journey of honoring myself as the body and honoring the requirements and needs of the body within 1) fearing that I don’t know how to honor the body and 2) that it will be boring and that life will be less colorful, less exciting and less fun because I still hold onto the belief that mind = fun and body = boring

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I never make the decision to discover myself as life, I will forever exist in a simulation of life, chasing an idea of life which is what is symbolically represented through my ideas/imaginations/experiences of ‘fun’, ‘freedom’ and ‘excitement’ – where I’ve preferred the simulation over the real thing, because I know the simulation and because I do not yet know the real thing

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself standing before a choice of choosing what is best for my body based on how I know my body to be due to experience and having observed/felt my body (thus NOT based on ideas/beliefs about what’s health since I understand that this too is preprogrammed and my individual body might require something totally different than what’s considered ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’ in the system) – and choosing something that I have an idea/feeling of preferring/wanting – I stop and I breathe.

I remind myself of why it is that I resist doing what is best for the body and I embrace the body as myself within deciding to do that which is best for me as a decision towards the process of creating myself as life, rather than choosing that which I know, which gives me a positive energetic experience JUST because its NOT the body that needs it, which I’ve associated with a negative experience

I realize that I can now let go of this polarity and I can now let go of choosing my mind over my body because I now understand how I’ve created this system/pattern

I realize that this resistance/polarity is likely to keep coming up within me, until I have fully changed/transcended the pattern in a physical practical process of self-change and I commit myself to not fear this or fear that I won’t be able to do it because its something I’ve never done before

The pattern stands so clear to me now that I can make this decision in awareness to decide to live by what is best for my body and thus myself and thus life as myself and I commit myself to let go of and stop fearing that choosing based on what is best for my body will be ‘boring/restrictive/enslaving’ because I now understand that this actually came from a reaction towards being controlled by adults, which was part of the preprogram to ensure that I never realize myself as life and that I’d reject life and embrace the mind’s simulation

I commit myself to support myself to walk this process of change of who I am in relation to my body and thus to myself and who and what I accept myself as

I realize that it is going to be a process to change this pattern and I commit myself to be patient and diligent with myself as I walk through it, to not give up but to stand determined to learn how to honor myself as the potential of life that I am.

Related blogs I’ve written on this and similar points:

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Letting Go of The Burdens of The Ghosts of The Past. DAY 343

February 23, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

Living in the pastThe past week my partner and I have been busy clearing out space on his mother’s farm, going through layers upon layers of furniture, bookkeeping papers, books, clothes and old love letters. There were things in that house going back 7 generations, all the way back to old farming equipment and maps of the land from past centuries.

As we went through it all we talked a lot about memories and the past and being nostalgic. It is fascinating how we as human beings tend to give value to things due to the memories we’ve attached to them, things that might not have any practical value, that are old and broken and that we keep and allow to take up space, just because of their connection to the past.

So during this process of clearing out space, I found a couple of interesting things:

First of all, in being around and looking at all these old things I found myself becoming overwhelmed. A part of the reason is that I many years ago decided for myself to ‘let go’ of anything having to do with the past. I thought that to free myself I had to get rid of all material possessions that I held an emotional attachment to and that this in turn would ‘free me up’ within my mental state of holding onto the past as well.

So I stopped seeing my family, I sold all my things or gave them away and I deliberately severed the attachment I had created to certain things. It was quite effective in that I no longer create emotional bonds with material items, however it was not effective in terms of freeing my mind – which is something I couldn’t understand until I found Desteni and realized that it was in fact my mind I had to clear and that the physical items (and even people) had merely been projections.

What I mean is that the attachment or bond was not ‘held’ or ‘contained’ WITHIN the person or thing that I was carrying a feeling or emotion towards. Therefore it didn’t help to simply remove that person or thing from my life, because the attachment still existed within me – as me, as my mind.

So when I was working on my partner’s family’s farm alongside his family hearing about their past and seeing them express feelings of nostalgia towards the things, I experienced a resistance because this was exactly what I had worked so hard to let go of many years ago and I was not interested in re-introducing the ‘burdens’ of ‘carrying the past’ into my life. I felt overwhelmed with the sheer abundance of things and the strong emotions that were coming up in my partner’s family members towards them.

Obviously I can’t force others to walk the same process that I’ve walked in relation to material things because to me it was something I did out of my own will and desire to free myself from the past, however what I can do is to decide what I will have in my home based on practicality and to not allow any emotional attachments to influence those decisions. I can share my starting-point with others and if they then decide to keep things because they have ‘affectional value’ to them it is their decision. The past doesn’t have to haunt us and we don’t have to feel like we owe something to the dead to honor their memory by keeping their stuff. Conversely I also don’t have to feel threatened by another’s emotional attachment to the past or fear like their past will weigh me down, because again, the past as memories is not actually etched into material things – it is something we project into them or not.

The thing itself is simply a thing. It is either practical to have or use or it is not. Creating emotional attachments to things on the other hand, is like living with ghosts where you allow the past to keep haunting you.

The other insight I had, had to do with thinking that I knew my own limits and then realizing that I was a lot stronger than I thought.

We were only three people working and we had a time limit of a few days, so we had to get as much done as possible within the time available. I am not particularly used to heavy lifting or many hours of physical labor so I quickly started feeling sore and aching. What had at first seemed like a fun project of going on a treasure hunt through centuries worth of old things suddenly became a burdensome and impossible task. At one point my body simply couldn’t handle anymore and I had to go and rest.

However I knew that I had no choice but to get back up again and start working, because otherwise I would leave the responsibility onto the other two people which would strain them even more and I simply couldn’t allow myself to do that.

So I kept working but I also noticed that I was becoming increasingly frustrated and was complaining quite a lot. No one really complained about me complaining, but in one moment as I was carrying some piece of furniture from one end of the farm to the other, I stopped.

I could see that my starting-point and attitude towards the work, really wasn’t helping the situation. I was allowing myself to become possessed by a negative experience and it was affecting my ability to work. I kept thinking about how I wished that we were done soon and how much more stuff was left and the more I thought about that, the more frustrated I became and the more my body ached with every lift.

So in that moment, I realized that I could change how I approach the situation and that I could simply move myself in the physical instead of focusing on being in my mind thinking about how much stuff was left and I how I wish we were done or that I could just go lay down. I had no choice because this was a responsibility I had given myself and there were literally no one else who could do it.

After that, something interesting happened. Before that moment I had struggled to carry the heavist things and we had left those for ’the men’ of the family to carry and throughout the entire process I was afraid of not being able to carry the heavist things. I was constantly struggling with immense pain in my lower back and my knees. But when I made that decision to change my starting-point, I suddenly discovered strength within me that I didn’t know was there.

This was also supported by the fact that my partner kept urging me to try and lift things rather than just accepting that I couldn’t. Before I changed my starting-point I simply refused and said that certain things were too heavy for me.

A significant moment was when we were to carry a heavy wooden sofa and I was darn sure that I wouldn’t be able to carry it. I even said to my partner ”Okay I can try but I won’t be able to lift it.” But then as I lifted it up I immediately let go of the thought and I simply did it – I simply did it. From that moment on, my partner and I would carry all the rest of the things together without asking for help unless it was strictly necessary and we kept going and going and going until we were done.

So from this entire experience I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was.

I have learned that by changing my starting-point from being in thoughts and reactive experiences, I could change my entire experience of myself and so change an entire situation.

I have learned that I have created an idea about myself of being a ‘female’ as being weak and within that have justified not even testing my own strengths or limits to see if I could move beyond them. As such, I’ve accepted myself as limited and as less than what I am in fact capable of – and so I’ve realized that to discover one’s limits, one has to push through the limits one think one has. So I’m not saying that I don’t have limits, but that my limits are not what I thought they were, and if I hadn’t pushed myself beyond my limit I wouldn’t have discovered that I had this strength within me.

I have learned that when we define ourselves according to memories and even to people of the past, we are essentially living in the past, like living with ghosts that are haunting us, only the ghosts are existing within our own minds and through burdening ourselves in this way, we’re making it difficult for ourselves to create space for anything new to unfold.

Whenever we step into challenging or difficult situations, there is a gift for us, an insight, and a discovery about ourselves that would be missed if we didn’t push beyond our preconceived limits. We don’t have to live in the past. We don’t have to keep the ghosts of the past alive. We don’t have to accept the limits that bind us within thoughts and emotional experiences. And so as we bring these lessons back to the process we are walking in relation to stepping out of the mind, all of these lessons can be utilized to support ourselves as we walk our processes; to allow ourselves to clean our ‘head space’, the inner attic of generations worth of memories – which is something that is necessary to do, for us to make space for something new, to decide who we are and who we are going to be, and not allow ourselves to be defined by what was in the past.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Artwork by Andrew Gable.

 

Self-Empowerment Through Principled Living. DAY 342

February 7, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

Principle over preferenceIn the last two posts I’ve investigated two ‘extremes’, radical self-unschooling on one hand and the word ‘must’ on the other. Now – these two can represent polarized extremes where one is a total abnegation of rules and the other is an enforcement of rules, but they can also be redefined as commonsensical self-expressions lived based on the principled of what is best for all in self-honesty.

In this post I am investigating another dimension at first glance associated with ‘raising a child’ but that one can also mirror back to oneself and look at one’s own self-directed ‘coming of age’ process. What I mean is that, all of the considerations for how to best raise a child to be a responsible, self-directed and expressive human being can be brought back to self as well, exactly as we too as adults are coming from the extremes of polarization – and require redefining the way we direct ourselves in our world and reality.

An example from my own life is how I have had a tendency to either give in completely to any urge or preference I might have without any consideration for the consequences of my actions, such as eating a bag of candy and getting a stomach ache OR to be extremely hard and brutal on myself and constantly judge myself based on a moral belief that “I should do/be better”.

So it is interesting to see how, while it is important to explore and expand how we raise our children, it is even more important to start investigating how we are ‘raising/educating’ and standing as examples for ourselves, literally like there is a part of us that can function as our own parent – through which we assist and support ourselves to change destructive behavioral patterns and start living in a way that is the most supportive to us and those around us.

Unlike a child that comes into the world with a relatively clean slate and an open mind, we are however already filled with beliefs and judgments and fears and desires and polarizations. This is why I in the previous blog-post on radical self-unschooling mentioned how we have to ‘deschool’ ourselves BEFORE we can unschool ourselves. As an example of why this is necessary, we can look at behavioral patterns we have wanted to change, that we saw were destructive and that we failed at over and over again as we tried to implement a new behavior. Many times, it is because we haven’t actually investigated what old ‘program’ is interfering with the installment of a new program. As such the old patterns will continue to influence and direct us as long as we haven’t taken directive responsibility for them, which we can only do if we understand them and thereby know what to change and how to change it.

So a particular pattern that I have seen many parents act out with their children is the act of ‘letting it slide’, where one will rather comply than risk a conflict. Similarly it is something I have seen in myself – and you can say that ‘letting it slide’ in this context is the reverse of ‘standing up’. If we see ‘raising’ a child literally as assisting and supporting them to stand up – in a literal and figurative sense, letting them slide is the same as letting them fall. And so letting myself slide is the same as letting myself fall.

Some things in our lives require us as adults to stand up, to push through, to ‘rise above’ – exactly as in the process of raising a child. Often it will be when we are still governed by behavioral patterns of the past, where we are for example so engulfed in fear that we’d rather limit and diminish ourselves than dare to push through and expand ourselves. Or we have created certain comfort zones or preferences (again based on limitations) that we fear losing, where we then do what feels comfortable in spite of potential consequences and compromises in ourselves and our world. An example of this can be when we eat an entire bag of candy despite knowing from experience that we will most likely get a stomachache. The program of mental stimulation through an enforced sugar rush on the body overrides the common sense program of caring for the body.

When I ’let it slide’ I am thus in a belief that I am being ’good’ and ’nice’ to myself which is in itself a state of self-deception and denial, because otherwise it wouldn’t be necessary to ’let it slide’ – meaning: I know what I am doing yet I do it anyway. Otherwise there wouldn’t be an ‘it’ to let slide.

The ‘it’ in this context is doing what I know is best for me even though it might not be my preferred course of action. A prominent example from my life is eating things that I know aren’t good for my body. Throughout my life I’ve had sensitivities to certain foods that I like the taste of, but that my body clearly isn’t supported by. Sugar is one example, milk products is another. So if I for example eat a piece of cheese despite knowing from experience the cheese has on my body, it is because I am allowing a mental taste-preference program to override common sense. This is symptomatic for our entire society and the way we live on this planet where we are literally destroying our habitat to be able to consume more of it, faster and more efficient – it is instant gratification with long term consequences.

When I was a child and I thought about growing up and becoming an adult, all I could think about is how free I would be and how I could finally do what I wanted. Not once did I ever consider that I have a responsibility to myself, to do what is best for me – even though I knew this to be true in the back of my mind.

I also remember seeing adults who, looked the most happy when they were indulging in various forms of stimuli, whether it was red whine or food or entertainment. So from that perspective, this was my reference of what it means to be happy as an adult. All I knew was that I didn’t liked to be forced to eat my vegetables as a child, so hell if I were going to eat them as an adult. I didn’t consider that eating vegetables might be what was best for me or even question the belief that I didn’t like vegetables. To me vegetables equaled being forced to do something I didn’t want to do.

Being that I am no longer a child and no longer have parents or guardians showing me the ropes (whether the ones I had were effective at that or not), it means that I have to stand in the position of being a parent to myself, to be my own guardian and example. This also means that I have a responsibility to myself, to directively use the part of me that sees common sense and that is self-honest to assist and support myself to hack the parts of myself that are still running on old programming from the past that I realize is not best for me.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of ‘letting it slide’ where I allow myself to compromise doing that which is best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief within me that living based on preferences is the same as being free and I forgive myself that I, based on that have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of feeling free when I live according to my preferences, especially if these preferences are in opposition to something an authority has told me – without any consideration or regard for the potential consequences of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my personal preferences over all other factors when it comes to making decisions, not realizing that my preferences are in most cases not based on a practical, physical assessment of what I enjoy combined with what is best for me – but on preconditions and indoctrination, which means that my preferences are not actually mine, because it is not decisions I have made in common sense self-honesty as to deciding and finding out what I enjoy and what is best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect and defend my preferences, specifically within having polarized my preferences in my mind as being inherently positive and ‘good’ because I have associated preferences with freedom from oppression, where as I a child made decisions that went against authorities commands and so felt and believed that I was empowering myself and freeing myself by insisting on living according to my preferences, not realizing how I was creating my preferences as a reaction to and rebellion towards being disempowered as a child

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to protect and defend my preferences because I have channeled myself into them, identified with them made them an extension of ’who I am’ – specifically as the self-empowerment of standing up against authority that I believed I was doing through being defiant and oppositional – not realizing how I was never in fact empowering myself, but was merely going into the opposite polarity, creating a new authority to have power over me, this time from within my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I through living based on preferences as ‘what I want’ have taken myself hostage and have made it impossible for me to even see, let alone make decisions based on what is in fact best for me – as I have equated ‘best for me’ with what I was being told by authorities as a child, that I then associated with being restricted and not allowed to express myself – thus creating a resistance towards doing what is best for me because I have created an automated reaction towards equating ‘what is best for me’ with ‘not what I want’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and attach a negative energetic association to the words ‘what is best for me’ because I associate these words with being restricted as a child, where authority figures either told me that I couldn’t do something or that I should do something because it was best for me but where I didn’t fully understand it from the perspective of it truly being BEST as I within the moment felt an URGE/DESIRE for something else and thereby in that moment considered that to be best, thus splitting and separating ‘best’ into two different ‘compartments’ in my mind: the ‘best’ according to my mind which is the freedom to do what I want and follow my urges and preferences and ‘best’ as the restriction of having to do something that’s boring and where I’d miss out on fun because someone else told me to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from that which is best for me in a physical and practical sense, within and as perceiving that as belonging to someone else that makes decisions for me where I am disempowered and disenfranchised to make decisions for myself and as such that I have come to resent and resist doing what is best for me for this reason

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that that which I prefer and want to do is automatically what is best for me, simply because I prefer and want it and thereby believe that I’ve made a free and empowered decisions, not realizing how many if not most of my wants are based in fear, in desire, in ideas, in beliefs, as preconditioned and indoctrinated preferences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it virtually impossible for myself to decide to do what is best for myself in fact, because I have created an automatic association with that which is best for me as being negative and something I resist.

Self-Corrective Statements

For the first time in my life, I have started making decisions based on what is best for me in fact and not based on what I’d prefer/want. An example is that I no longer consume milk products although I enjoy the taste of milk in my coffee and cheese as well. I wrote a blog about that transition here if you are interested.

However I do also see that this association with ‘best’ as being split into a negative and positive polarity still exists within me and here also how I’ve separated myself from taking responsibility for doing what is best for me in fact.

I realize that what often happens with parents and children is that the parents tell children that they must do something or that it is best for them to do something, but without considering the child in it all. Maybe the parent is making decisions for the child based on their own beliefs about what is best or based on fear of failing as a parent – but the result is that sometimes we are told that things are best for us that we know are not. Sometimes it would be better to stay up than go to sleep, or it at least wouldn’t be consequential to do so. This is something the child might ‘intuitively’ be aware of in the moment, but might not have the vocabulary to express. When the adult then exerts power and authority over the child and says: “do it because I said so, I know what is best for you, I’m the adult.” It creates this split inside the child, where ‘best’ becomes associated with something negative and a polarity is formed where the child defines ‘best’ as positive equated with rebelling against the parent and thus standing up for itself. It doesn’t have to be this way, but it requires that parents become self-honest and humble with their children and dare to question and challenge their own fears and beliefs and make decisions based on what is best in the moment where also the child’s wishes are taken into consideration.

I realize that this process starts with myself from here as an adult. In my life, the damage is already done, because I grew up with adults who didn’t know what I am sharing here. As such, I have a responsibility to myself to change what is ‘best’ from a polarization of extremes as positive and negative associations – to decisions I make for myself that support me to grow and develop and expand and that doesn’t create adverse consequences for me, my body or others in my world.

I realize how I have to start over in terms of determining what is best for me. Because if I look for example at that which was defined by adults as best for me as a child, it wasn’t always commonsensical. An example is bedtimes where many times the adults just wants some private time in the evening and then they say to the child that it is best for them, but where it might not actually be. My mom was actually cool with this, because she was very straight with me that she needed some time to herself in the evening and so she made the rule that if I wanted to stay up late, I had to stay in my room. Because I didn’t want to miss out of the ‘adult fun’ that I thought was happening at night but was allowed to be awake, I didn’t create a polarized relationship to this point and eventually just went to bed by myself.

So I have to start over with figuring out what is best for me. Some things like food I might have to cross-reference by testing it and see how my body does. Other things will be commonsensical from the get-go and so more require me to let go of my polarized relationship to preferences, where I have believed that letting go of preferences is some form of ‘loss of freedom’ or ‘empowerment’.

I realize that doing what is best for me – through having investigated on a real and practical level what best actually means, is real empowerment and freedom. Getting to know and understand myself, my body, my mind and this world is the most empowering and freeing thing there is – because based on that I can make real directive decisions that aren’t based on indoctrination or preprogramming.

It also means that I have to identify and investigate where I still have beliefs about what is best, like ideas about certain foods I should/shouldn’t eat that I’ve actually never cross-referenced for myself before.

I realize that the joy/enjoyment that I create based on making principled decisions is substantial in nature as I through that create real tangible results in a long term scale where the expression of enjoyment might not always be immediate or intense, but will instead be a consistent expression of who I am because I know that I am living a life of self-integrity and self-love – rather than joy being an energetic state of intense and instant gratification that has potential long term consequences for me, my body and this world.

If we want to change this world – if we truly care about our planet and the life that is on it, this is something that we all have to do. Because at the moment, all of humanity is living what I have described here, a life of preference over principle, where live is used and consumed, but not nurtured in respect and consideration to grow and flourish.

When and as I stand before a decision, however big or small, and I see that I am starting to ‘let it slide’ in the context of using thoughts/backchat/experiences to manipulate myself into NOT doing what I know to be best, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to in that moment push myself to do what is best and I remind myself that my preference is not based on a real assessment of enjoyment or a consideration for the potential consequences. I commit myself to stop letting points slide where I know I am doing what is not best for myself – because I know understand and realize how I have created this pattern.

I commit myself to stop and let go of the positive and negative associations I have created towards what is ‘best’ for me as two separate points. I realize that what is best is that which supports me to flourish and grow and live – and it is really as simple as that. I commit myself to embrace myself and to stand responsible for guiding and directing myself to live that which is best for me – and so best for all. I commit myself to let go of the belief that doing what I want/prefer is automatically also what is best for me. I commit myself to empower myself through getting to know myself and through understanding how my body and mind works and how this world work – so that I can make directive decisions in full awareness.

Freedom is not doing what you want when you want it. Freedom is knowing and understanding yourself and the world you live in to such an absolute extent that you can make the choices that are best for you and so best for all life as a whole to thrive, without any restrictions or limitations.

Blog-posts related to what I’ve walked here:

Self-Honesty as The Key to Freedom. DAY 298

Woman, Know Thyself. DAY 295

Creating a Life of My Own. DAY 338

If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332

Walking From Resistance To Self-Creation. DAY 324

Never Say Never to Change. DAY 318

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Redefining The Word: MUST. DAY 341

February 4, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

Being defiantSince writing the last post on radical self-unschooling I have been looking at the point of ‘having to’ do things and how I have reacted to that, something that I’ve also previously written about. My partner and I have discussed the words ‘must’ and ‘have to’ over the last few weeks, specifically in looking at how I have had a strong adverse reaction to the word ‘must’. To me, there has been something imprisoning about the word must where, if someone says to me that I ‘must’ do something or that I ‘have to do something’ I immediately have an experience of constriction within myself, as though the words themselves are strangling or binding me.

As we worked with redefining the word ‘must’ I realized that ‘must’ in a practical context means things that are necessary for us to do and if we don’t do them, consequences will most likely play out that we wouldn’t want to happen. You must drink water or you will die. You must look when you cross the street or you risk getting hit by a car. However to me, the word must was associated with being forced to do something, such as my mother telling me “You must go to sleep now”, as well as with expectations being placed on me where I would react in fear of not being able to accomplish that which was expected of me such as a teacher saying “You must perform well on this test.”

This has led to me creating an intense, physical reaction whenever I hear the word ‘must’ or the words ‘have to’. It is interesting because as my partner and I have discussed it and I have imitated him to show him how I react to the word, whenever I say the word must in a sentence it is with great emphasis and force, showing exactly how I hear the word through the filters of the mind that I’ve conditioned the word to. So if my partner for example says “you must/have to come get me” I’d hear it as: “You MUST!!! come get me” lol.

So the instant reaction that comes up within me when hearing the word must/have to is an experience of constriction, feeling forced and feeling pressured and fearful/panicking. This then subsequently triggers a reaction of anger and defiance within me, where, without even looking at whether or not the point expressed is valid or not, I immediately feel resistant towards it – simply because its something I ‘must/have to’ do.

Interestingly enough I don’t always have this reaction, so it depends on the context. If I were to for example say: “I must do the laundry today” or if my partner said: “You must pay that bill today” I wouldn’t necessarily react because I understand that these are simply things that are necessary to do because I wouldn’t want the consequences that followed if I didn’t.

Interestingly enough we can actually look at the reverse process here to also see how words have become obfuscated through the course of human history through investigating the etymology of the word ‘must’.

must (v.)

Old English moste, past tense of motan “have to, be able to,” from Proto-Germanic *mot- “ability, leisure (to do something)” (cognates: Old Saxon motan “to be obliged to, have to,” Old Frisian mota, Middle Low German moten, Dutch moeten, German müssen “to be obliged to,” Gothic gamotan “to have room to, to be able to”), perhaps from PIE root *med- “to measure, to take appropriate measures”

Going back to the root of the word ‘must’ it appears that it originally meant ‘to have room to/to be able to’ which is cool because this takes the point of pressure out of the word from the perspective of how we can only ever do as much as we’re capable of within a given context. Even more interesting, the word might stem from the PIE root ‘med’ which means ‘measure/take appropriate measures’ – which is exactly in alignment with the redefinition we’ve looked at here.

Playing with the sound of the word ‘must’ some even more interesting dimensions opens up:

Most

Mist

Miss

Ma-says

Mum-says

Master

Maestro

Mess

Muted-us

The two sounds that particularly stands out from playing with the word ’must’ is ’mom-says’ and ’muted-us’. Because as I was investigating why it is I’ve reacted so strongly to the word must, I remember how, as a child adults would tell me what to do and I remember feeling extremely violated, betrayed and powerless when they would use their ‘adult power’ over me in ways that were not reasonable.

So it could for example be my mother telling me to go to sleep specifically so that she could get time alone for herself, but where I wasn’t actually tired.

Due to the power relationship between adults and children, where I was physically smaller and had less vocabulary to express myself, I was left powerless, even if what I was asked/told to do was unreasonable.

I realize that the word ‘must’ has been corrupted within my vocabulary from the sense of being raised by adults who were unclear in their usage of the word. What that meant is that they would use the word ‘must’ to exert power over me as a child out of self-interest, where there was not an actual ‘must’ (in the sense of a common sense necessity) involved. Because of this the word became associated with unreasonable pressure, with feeling forced and enslaved – where the word itself became synonym with my powerlessness as a child. In turn I couldn’t wait to growing up and deciding over my own life, not realizing that I had already accepted and integrated the subjugating mechanisms into me – and that if I was not in the process of intervening and deschooling myself that I am – I would have done the exact same to my own children, and so the cycle would continue indefinitely.

So I see how this has sparked this defiant rebellion within me where I feel like I’m empowering myself if I stand up against anything that someone else tells me that I ‘must’ or ‘have to’ do – whether it is reasonable or not. So based on this, I’ve created a polarized relationship to the word ‘must’ – rather than it being a commonsensical assessment in taking appropriate measures towards a certain point/task.

Something that Bernard said in this context and that resonated with me was that: ” I commit myself to remove from my design anything related to what I have to do and to replace it with doing that which is what is best for all life within the understanding that to do what is best for all life is not a ‘have to do,’ it is common sense.”

So what I am working with here is taking the aspects of morality and force out the words ’have to’ and ’must’ along with my energetic reactions associated with it – so that ’have to’ and ’must’ can simply be practical words describing that a necessity to prevent unwanted consequences – which is common sense.

So in terms of redefining the words must/have to – it becomes about doing that which is best for self and so best for all in common sense within the given context.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Radical Self-Unschooling. DAY 340

January 29, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

Radical unschoolingThe past five days I have been home with the flu. During these days I have spent a lot of time researching and educating myself online. Something that I have particularly spent time investigating is the educational philosophy of radical unschooling. Radical unschooling is an educational but also political activist philosophy that supports the notion that we as human beings learns best when learning is self-initiated and when what we learn is something we are interested in learning. Radical unschoolers therefore see life in its entirety as the educational space in which a child learns and emphasizes an absolute trust in a child’s natural learning ability, that the child will learn what is required for it to learn in life, if only facilitated by caring and responsible adults.

Radical Unschooling is based on the principle that we learn much better – in fact that we can only learn – that which we understand the purpose with, that which we have made a decision to learn for ourselves. That is something I can adhere to, as I have learned so much more from doing my own research into things that interested me, than I have from years in school. This however poses the danger that the things we’re interested in, aren’t genuine interests but in fact preprogrammed into us via innumerable forms of brainwashing and propaganda.

A specific element of radical unschooling thus has to do with a detoxification period that parents as well as child who have been in the school system, have to go through called ‘deschooling’. One of the key aspects of deschooling is that especially the parents have to go through a process of deconstructing and letting go of preconditioned fears and beliefs programmed into them through their own school years. This could for example be the parent thinking that “a child needs boundaries and routines” or that “punishment teaches the child that there are consequences in life.” Another aspect of the deschooling process is a period of ‘binging’ on things and activities that previously would have been seen as ‘sinful’ such as gorging on candy, computer-games, movies or staying up very late. According to many unschoolers this is a natural part of the process that will slowly but surely even itself out, where the child and adult will become more inclined to making decisions that are best for them as they get in contact with their authentic selves beyond the limitations of rules and restrictions.

So as I continuing investigating unschooling I started thinking about that I could also unschool myself. What I realized is that we tend to do things and move ourselves to get things done during the day based on various experiences of fear, desire, moral obligation and expectations to ourselves. We move and motivate ourselves based on external influences, where most of the time we probably wouldn’t be able to explain the purpose with our actions and why we are doing the things we do – from a self-honest starting-point.

So then I started considering: what if I were to make a decision today to have absolute trust in my own decisions, where I no longer let myself be ruled by ideas, rules, restrictions, morality or fear? What if I trusted myself to do what is best for me in every moment – and so best for all? What this would mean is that I wouldn’t be restricted by for example a belief of having to sleep a certain amount of hours per night. I would be able to trust myself to sleep and wake up in accordance with my body’s needs and would thereby be able to sleep more or less without thinking that I either have slept too much or for example not enough.

Then I started considering that in order to live like this, in absolute trust that I will do what is best for me, and so best for all, there are some points that requires to be sorted out first:

At the moment, most of our definition of ‘what is best’ is based on preconditioned ideas and experiences, exactly as in the case of a child having to ‘deschool’ and literally ‘detox’ from the restrictive school system before it can effectively unschool itself in a supportive way. Meaning that, as long as certain actions are polarized, we will interact with them accordingly.

A good example here is playing computer games, which for many children has become a space of escaping from the tediousness of ordinary life. It has become something they do to rebel against their parents, where they can feel free and where they can empower themselves. But as long as playing computer games are done as a reaction to something else in one’s life, it will be a polarized action. It will be ‘best’ from the perspective of the mind’s need to escape – but it won’t necessarily be best in the context of the amount of hours one plays, because there won’t be a natural consideration that “I need to sleep now” because playing will be an act of defiance where the child will want to do it even more because its not allowed to.

So – as long as I cannot trust that my definition of what ‘best’ is, is in fact what IS best for me and so best for all, I cannot give myself the trust to exist without restrictions – which is a shame, because it means that I have to live as though there is a part of me that can’t be trusted, that I have to keep in control, so as to ensure that I don’t compromise myself.

Let me give another example: growing up I was not allowed to eat candy. This has created a polarization within me where I’ve developed a strong desire to eat candy, because I’ve associated eating candy with being free and doing what I want, thus in my child mind defining eating candy as what is ‘best’ for me, ‘best’ for me because I generate a positive mental experience when I eat candy. This then unfortunately overrules any bodily responses to the candy, where I’d for example get stomach aches, which would be a signal to me that eating candy is indeed not what is best for me in fact, because what is best would include a consideration for the totality of myself, including my body – but even my environment and the world as a whole, such as a consideration of how the candy is produced and what resources have gone into producing it.

Secondly, for me to live in absolute trust that I will do what is best for me, I also have to be absolutely self-honest with myself. Otherwise, this new ‘freedom’ can very easily turn into a total abdication of responsibility and it very easily opens up for backdoors to justify not taking responsibility for myself or my life.

Fortunately I know people who live like this, where the trust they have in themselves is so absolute that their lives are a lot freer. What this means is that they don’t have to restrict themselves, use punishments or discipline to motivate themselves, because they know in an absolute way that they will do what is best for themselves and so best for all. So I also know that existing in a state of polarity within oneself, between rebellion and punishment, between restrictions and indulgence is not what is best. The need to discipline and restrict oneself is only required as long as one doesn’t trust oneself and the only reason one wouldn’t be able to trust oneself is if one is not absolutely self-honest.

So I see that taking the leap into an unschooled life with regards to living unschooled for oneself comes with an agreement of taking absolute responsibility for oneself.

As I’ve been discussing all of this with my partner, I’ve realized that I have a conflicted relationship towards the words ‘must’ and ‘have to’ – especially in context to morality. Whenever I remove the moral expectation to do something I can do it with a lot more ease and a lot less resistance.

Interestingly enough, when investigating the word ‘must’ the following stands forth:

must (v.)

Old English moste, past tense of motan “have to, be able to,” from Proto-Germanic *mot- “ability, leisure (to do something)” (cognates: Old Saxon motan “to be obliged to, have to,” Old Frisian mota, Middle Low German moten, Dutch moeten, German müssen “to be obliged to,” Gothic gamotan “to have room to, to be able to”), perhaps from PIE root *med- “to measure, to take appropriate measures” (see medical (adj.)). Used as present tense from c.1300, from the custom of using past subjunctive as a moderate or polite form of the present.

medical (adj.)

1640s, from French médical, from Late Latin medicalis “of a physician,” from Latin medicus “physician, surgeon, medical man” (n.); “healing, madicinal” (adj.), from mederi “to heal, give medical attention to, cure,” originally “know the best course for,” from an early specialization of the PIE root *med- “to measure, limit, consider, advise, take appropriate measures” (cognates: Greek medomai “be mindful of,” medein “to rule;” Avestan vi-mad- “physician;” Latin meditari “think or reflect on, consider;” Irish miduir “judge;” Old English metan “to measure out”);

Looking at the word must in this context, it can be brought back to and purified from its totalitarian and authoritarian notions of control and redefined as the act of taking appropriate measures based on knowing/understanding the best course of action in any given circumstance. It is thus a decision to live principled, where the word ‘must’ refers to the commitment of acting according to that which one has seen is best for all.

As Bernard Poolman says in this blog-post: “I commit myself to remove from my design anything related to what I have to do and to replace it with doing that which is what is best for all life within the understanding that to do what is best for all life is not a ‘have to do,’ it is common sense.”

I have realized that if I am to create the life for myself that I see is possible through the potential that I see within myself, I cannot simply sit and wait for it to happen. The same goes for this process. I will not ‘magically’ wake up one day and be clear of all self-interest and backchat and suddenly live principled in a way that is best for all. No, I have to literally, physically and practically change myself in my practical living, not just thinking about it or seeing it and then being satisfied with that, but actually bring this realization into living application.

Therefore, before living in an unschooled way or even simultaneously with that, a process of deschooling is required. But to get trust, we have to give trust. As the educator famous for coining the term ‘unschooling’, John Holt says: “Trust Children. Nothing could be more simple, or more difficult. Difficult because to trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves, and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted.”

Every day I take it upon myself to learn something new, I am amazed and astonished at my own capacity to learn, my passion for learning. Every day I am also astonished to see how limited I have allowed myself to become and I realize how important it is to deschool myself – so that I can walk the process of unschooling myself in self-trust. To make the decision to trust myself means to make the decision to take absolute responsibility for myself. That is radical self-unschooling.

To be continued…

For more information on radical unschooling I recommend the following links:

http://www.outsideonline.com/outdoor-adventure/nature/Unschooling-The-Case-for-Setting-Your-Kids-Into-the-Wild.html

http://opensource.com/education/12/3/unschooling-open-source-way

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwIyy1Fi-4Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRk_sfkBCJ8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoG6j8eTjyY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOGCg4sHTI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOGCg4sHTI

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Artwork by Louise Mcnaught ‘free your mind’

Have You Too Become Comfortably Numb? DAY 339

January 24, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

comfortably numbHello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?

When I first started working with this point I thought the word I was working with was apathy. But as I kept going deeper down the rabbit hole I realized that apathy is more like a state of wanting to do something/for things to change and then having given up on that – whereas the point I’ve been working with is in fact a form of total indifference, a sort of self-induced state of being comfortably numb, hence the title of this blog and the pleading line from the song by Pink Floyd that describes what I’ve felt towards others – while not realizing that the image I see in the mirror that is another, is myself.

So, I have noticed that I find people around me to be rather apathetic or: indifferent. This for example comes up when I share myself and what matters to me, where I see them respond with a sort of sedated look in their eyes, as though they’re not really hearing what I’m trying to say, and then out of politeness and common courtesy, they say: “well, that’s nice…”

So maybe they’re not indifferent? Maybe there’s something in the way I present myself that causes them to become indifferent? Or maybe I’m only seeing my own indifference reflected in their eyes?

Something that I do see is a stark difference between when I share myself in vulnerability where I am raw and dare to expose myself and then when I already anticipate resistance or conflict even before speaking and thereby try to be diplomatic with my words so as to trigger the least amount of resistance in another.

Recently for example, I went up to my colleague and I shared with him how I see him, because it was something I’d been wanting to do for a while, to share with him and recognize what I see in him that I find to be unique and powerful. It’s not something I would normally do and I was also a bit shy about it. Finally I decided to just do it and I shared myself completely openly. It was not necessarily particularly eloquent and I didn’t exactly say it in the way I had wanted to, but I said it and if I’ve understood my colleagues’ response correctly, he got the message – it went in. It didn’t just go in one ear and out the other as I normally experience happens when I share myself.

Now that I look at it, the question comes up of: well do I listen? Or do I also just take people’s words in through one ear and out through the other? And yes, I must admit I do. I see how I have made a habit out of having these ‘standardized’ and automatized conversations with people where we pretend to listen intently and give each other the responses we think we want, but where we aren’t actually at all even present in the conversation. We’re more focused on keeping up appearances, on not pissing anyone off or stepping on their toes, on keeping a good tone and a nice environment – and then we’re off to the next person or the next appointment, making sure that we get to talk to everyone and everyone gets to see us talking to everyone, and everyone is happy and no one is angry and “it’s all good.” – But is it really?

When is the last time you’ve had a deep, vulnerable and honest conversation with another person? Or even more importantly: with yourself?

Another thing to consider here, is that a lot of us have even mastered making such seemingly ‘deep’ conversations automated and standardized where we think that we’re sharing our innermost selves, but where we’re still just following a script of a particular simulation of a conversation that we then define ourselves and each other according to.

So I realize that people are indifferent towards me because I am indifferent towards them and because when I share myself I do so within the same surfaced polite conversation that could have just as well been about the weather, conversations without a purpose where the words spoken goes in through one ear and out through the other.

There is however also a different dimension to consider here which is as I mentioned before that I can’t definitively say that people ARE indifferent in their conversations with me. As such, it is pertinent to also bring this point of indifference back to myself in having a look at where in my life I am indifferent.

The way that I see indifference in this context it is actually a point of having muffled and silenced the authentic and honest parts of oneself where one is living in a sort of haze, only participating ‘on the surface’ – in a dimension of simulation where nothing is real but constructed social conformity based on multiple cultural and social rules of conduct. So we say: “How are you?” “I am fine thanks, how about you?” “I’m also fine.” “Nice weather today” “yes it is.”

So when I then come and share myself and share something that matters, when I try to get under this surface layer – I’ve done so using information, thinking and believing that what makes the difference is the words spoken and the way I structure my sentences, being very careful to not scare people away or entice a conflict with them or otherwise create an uncomfortable situation.

When I interact on the very same superficial surface layer, even though I think the information I share is deep, people are going to respond in the exact same way: “oh that sounds good. I hope it makes you happy.” “Yes it is really a shame with that racism in the world, but what can we do? We’re only human after all.” “Pass the coffee please.”

The same thing happened with one of my students where I saw an opportunity to open up a relevant existential point in a moment. But I went into knowledge and information about it, meaning I was coming from a starting-point of wanting to teach her a lesson and a desire to have this be one of those deep conversations. Because of that, she reacted by seeing me as yet another stupid adult who’s trying to tell her what life is and she sort of went “yeah yeah, what else is new?”

I realized that I couldn’t have deep existential and transformative conversations with others if I am not genuine and vulnerable in my expression. It’s not something that can be forced or faked. Either it is or it isn’t.

So what I have learned from this is that it is actually not so important for me to carefully structure and censor my words to avoid triggering reactions in another and thereby think that they’ll be more receptive to what I’m sharing. I’ve tried it and it doesn’t work. What does work is to be real and open and vulnerable and to share what matters to me, what is real.

To do that I have to take risks. There’s the risk that they’ll find it too personal, too intimate, that they’ll be scared. There’s a risk that they’ll react and go into opposition or that they’ll think I’m crazy. There’s a risk that I’ll push them away and the relationship won’t be able to stand.

Obviously there’s certain legitimacy in being diplomatic to not push people away. So I am certainly not advocating to just be totally raw and then people will just have to deal with it. Obviously one has to take them and where they are at into consideration. So what I’m talking about here is when there ARE moments where one can open up and share and take the conversation to a deeper level and where I’ve not done this because I was scared of pushing people away.

I’ve often talked to people about politics and about sustainable solutions and find them to have ‘wool over their eyes’ so to speak, in the sense that they’re not even able to get passionate or open up to alternative possibilities. I’ve had a hard time understanding why that is, but obviously we’re living in a world and a system where we are probed to be this way, so that all our focus and attention goes to things that makes absolutely no difference in the world; petty personal problems, entertainment, indulgence, money problems, fears towards the future, fear towards other people. We are so entrenched in the mud of our ‘daily rut’, we are so buried in the depths of the system, that coming up to the surface for air seems like an almost impossible feat, like we see the light somewhere way above us, but we’re too far away to even consider the possibility of pushing ourselves up and break the surface until our head is above water.

The question I need to be asking myself is: where do I do this? Because if I know how to prevent it in myself, if I know how to solve it in myself – I also have a clue as to how to assist others to do the same and by transcending my own apathy and indifference it will no longer be the only thing I see in another.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or admit to myself that the only reason why I react to the perceived indifference in others, is because of my own indifference that I’ve separated myself from, have suppressed and abdicated responsibility for as/within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into convincing myself that “I’m not indifferent” and that “I care” and so within pulling the wool of self-deception down on my own eyes, I’ve not seen my own indifference but have instead blamed others for being indifferent so that I could separated myself from them and thereby not have to face (or change) my own indifference

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being indifferent is a point of ‘playing it safe’ where – if we don’t care about anything, then we won’t get hurt, we won’t expose our vulnerability and we don’t have to face and take responsibility for the totality of this world that we’ve created or ourselves as creators in it, because we convince ourselves that its has nothing to do with us

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use indifference as a deliberate self-suppression, denial and deception mechanism through which I can hide from myself and can hide what’s really going on in the world and in myself from myself – so as to abdicate responsibility for myself and for the world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be indifferent towards others where I don’t actually care about them or is interested in listening to what they have to say, but only stick to my own tiny little bubble of a ‘world’ with what matters to me and what I see is important and where I’m thus not open towards investigating new perspectives

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and induce myself into a state of indifference as a ‘shield’ I use to keep ‘my world’ intact, where I don’t have to question it or confront it or challenge the way I see things or myself – and where I can remain ‘comfortably numb’ to not have to feel or face the reality of myself or this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve made my experience of being ‘comfortable’ in my life and in myself contingent upon being ‘numb’ towards facing/feeling/realizing the reality of myself/the world – as if I was not numb I would not be comfortable with who I am/with what the world is because I would see what I’ve accepted and allowed and I would feel the consequence of what I’ve accepted and allowed and would thus have to step out of my ‘comfort zone’ and step up to taking responsibility for myself and this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my experience of stability on a clear demarcation and strict limitation of what ‘my world’ is and what matters to me, where I focus my attention of certain specific points and ignore everything else so that I can maintain an experience of being in control of my life, of being a good person, of being sane, of being going somewhere – so as to keep the truth and reality of myself away – and so when someone brings something up that in any way is ‘misaligned’ or crosses the boundaries of what I’ve decided to be my world I immediately engage in indifference and disinterest as a way to keep my world intact and without intrusion

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify my self-induced numbness through an experience of being comfortable – when/because I am numb and so believe that to be comfortable, I have to remain numb

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to anticipate/expect and fear that other people will go into resistance and conflict and arguments with me, that they will reject me, push me away and think that I’m insane if I were to share myself with them openly and in vulnerability

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become tense when I’m talking to/about to talk to people about the reality of our world and ourselves because I expect and anticipate that they will react and go into resistance and will either start arguing with me or will reject me and judge me – and so deliberately censor myself and my words and try to deliver what I want to share in a diplomatic way with the aim of making the information more palatable, only to create the consequence of people responding in indifference and apathy – because I am engaging in a system aligned to social rules of conduct through fear – instead of actually challenging such systems through allowing myself to be vulnerable and open in my interaction with others – so because I’m not being real, because I’m being filtered, so are they.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become indifferent when others speak and share themselves, because I am preoccupied in my mind focusing on ‘myself’, on presenting a ‘correct’ image of myself, on getting social credit, where listening to others becomes a point of pretense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become indifferent when I fear that making a decision means sticking my neck out, where I have to a take a risk and face potential consequences of my decision – not realizing that being indifferent and not deciding, making others decide for me – is equally making a decision that has its own consequences – and as such, I can never escape or fully abdicate responsibility for myself, no matter how indifferent I become

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that indifference is a state of being comfortably numb, where I’ve deliberately placed myself into a state of not caring, of not feeling, of not seeing and so have defined/perceived that to be comfortability

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and perpetuate a state of indifference in myself as a ‘whatever’, ‘neither here not there’ through which I could make myself numb so I didn’t have to feel or face myself or the world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately assume a position of indifference as a self-defense mechanism because I’ve feared what would happen if I were to ‘take a stance’ and so by being indifferent I’ve perceived myself as not risking to stick my neck out – thus indicating that indifference actually originates from a fear of standing up, a fear of standing out, a fear of taking a stance and risking social exclusion and persecution

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify my indifference based on memories of having stuck my neck out and gotten ‘punished’ for it, through which I’ve justified that its better to hide and to not care or to pretend not to care

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be indifferent to what’s going on around me and within me because I am ‘lost’ inside my mind, in fantasies and fears

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and perpetuate indifference as a state of deliberately not caring or ‘playing it cool’ – based on the fear and belief that if I do care, if I do open myself up in vulnerability I risk being hurt/ostracized

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be indifferent and to not care about life, about myself, about the suffering that exists in this world and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that indifference is a state of deliberate self-suppression of refusing to face that what is here is my creation, is myself, is my suffering, is my abuse onto life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not admit to or realize the cruelty embedded within indifference, of deliberately making myself not care

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become indifferent so that I can do what I want without having to stand accountable for the consequences, not realizing that what ‘I want’ is a preprogrammed design that I have made no directive decision to embed within me and so following ‘what I want’ means being a slave to a preprogrammed design that I have no direction over

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be indifferent towards the state of the world because I feel overwhelmed by it and I feel that if I had to face it – I would have to face myself as who I really am and I fear that I would break into a thousand pieces or lose my mind or that my heart would break of sorrow – not realizing that I already know what I’m accepting and allowing, I’m simply existing in a state of denial about it and that the more I accept and allow myself to deny, the more I perpetuate the abuse and suffering – and that facing myself is inevitable and so I’m only postponing the inevitable while creating more consequences

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see myself becoming indifferent towards others where I ‘zone out’ of listening to them and caring about what they have to say – I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I’ve been indifferent towards others, because I’ve been so focused on keeping up my own appearances in an illusion of worth and value that was never real, but that was perpetuated by a system of indifference

I commit myself to learn how to really listen to others, to open myself up towards them, to be vulnerable and real instead of simulating and faking interest just to keep up appearances

I commit myself to dare to take a stance, to stand by and with the principle of what is best, the principle of birthing life from the physical through taking responsibility for and stopping the preprogrammed simulation

I commit myself to stop being indifferent and I commit myself to remind myself that indifference is an act of deliberate self-suppression from a starting-point of abdication of responsibility – and I do not accept or allow myself to live based on this premise as I will be living my life on a lie

I commit myself to stand by the principle of self-honesty and I commit myself to stop filtering myself in conversations with others out of fear of not being accepted – where if I do filter myself it is directive and deliberate based on seeing what is most supportive in the moment and not coming from a starting-point of submitting myself to fear

I commit myself to speak openly and in vulnerability with others and to listen to them openly and with vulnerability – without creating any expectations, fears, hopes or desires about how they will respond to me – so that I can focus on sharing myself unconditionally independently of how another responds, so that me sharing isn’t conditioned to having to have a certain positive response or fearing/avoiding a certain negative response, but that I share what is within me in self-honesty and so commit myself to support others to do the same through my example.

I realize that indifference is a ‘shield’ – its a deliberate mechanism and although it seems (and feels) impenetrable it is not. We ARE not indifferent, we pretend to be indifferent, we manipulate ourselves into a state of indifference so that we don’t have to take responsibility for ourselves or for the world we’ve created. As such, we need to reignite the indifferent – and to do that we have to start with ourselves, find out where we are indiffirent and what it is we’re trying to hide through our indifference. We have to dare to be open and vulnerable and self-honest and to through that, develop the care and compassion that this world so desperately needs on a real and substantial level.

More blog-posts on indifference:

2012 Desensitizing: A Culture of Indifference

Caving in to Perceived Indifference instead of Standing up: DAY 181

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Creating a Life of My Own. DAY 338

January 14, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

Creating a life of my ownCreating a Life of My Own.

Have a look at that statement and see what comes up in you. Is it a life independent of other people? A life where you don’t have to answer to anybody else? A successful career? Or do you imagine a beautiful house and lots of babies?

In this blog-post I explore for myself what it truly means to create a life of your own.

So lately I’ve been thinking a lot about our new house and the other day my partner and I started talking about what it is that comes up within engaging in these thoughts – specifically in the context of it being a desire, a desire that has a ‘dark side’ or a polar opposite as the idea of ‘lack’ and/or a fear of loss/not having, thus eliciting the desire ‘to have’.

When my partner and I discussed what this desire represents to me, meaning: what it is that I’m getting out of it – I discovered something that surprised me: That I like it because it gives me the feeling that I am creating my own life, that I have control over my own life. So then we started looking at where this experience of lack of being able to create my own life comes from.

It’s an interesting point in and of itself, this idea about ‘creating life/creating my own life’ because I see how I’ve made it an externalized point as how it’s understood in the system where ‘creating your own life’ has to do with very limited things like getting a house, having babies, building a career and so forth. But that then lead me to asking the question:

What does it really mean to create life? To create my ‘own’ life? To create myself as life?

What came up within me was a memory from when I was a child and I saw adults who were miserable and angry. They hated their lives and specifically the points of having to go to work every day doing a job that they’d just happen to have. Two particular people stood out, namely my mother and another woman who I experienced as being miserable and who had given up in even trying to make a life for themselves, like life was just this endless motion of days upon days that they had absolutely no say over.

Seeing these women and other adults in my life being so miserable and depleted of life instilled in me a tremendous fear of a meaningless and enslaved life.

I can also see how a specific factor in this was that I was about 6-7 years old and was full of creativity and joy and expression and when I approached them they would be sour and unapproachable and preferred curling up in front of the TV rather than playing with me. So I retreated to the basement where we had a big woodshop where I would build things and be creative with myself. It became my escape in a way – a place where I could create without restrictions.

So in returning to the experience of desire that has come up towards building our new house, I found that it has to do with that feeling of being able to create a life for myself, in creativity and without restrictions, something that I’m building and creating on my own.

As my partner pointed out, this means that I’ve separated myself from my own creativity/creative power because I’ve made it something external that I will either gain or be restricted from accessing through external forces – rather than being an infinite and absolute expression of myself.

This then brought up another interesting point, in relation to how I approach creative projects with the utmost specificity, discipline, dedication and stamina, because these are words that I’ve found myself lacking, when it comes to other obligations that I haven’t decided to take on by myself. As I looked around my life I could see how, every project that I’ve decided to take on for myself, I’ve been dedicated in walking – whereas those where I’ve perceived a pressure to perform according to a standard or that other people were having expectations towards me, I would feel hesitant, resistant and reluctant.

I see how I’ve associated this point of ‘working for others’ with a distinct negative experience based on how I saw the adults in my life as a child, where there was absolutely no creativity or enjoyment or self-creation; just work and enslavement and survival. But what I also realize now after the process I’ve been walking in relation to my current work is that, it doesn’t have to be this way. Just because we’re in a system of enslavement right now, a system that is definitely unacceptable and has to change – but that doesn’t have to define who we are within what we do. Just because we’re working a job to survive, doesn’t mean that we can’t live creativity, or creative power or passion. And I would even say that it is exactly that which is needed for us to change this system, that we open ourselves up to an dare to grasp – and create – opportunities for ourselves to change, expand and transform the current system, through ourselves as a living, breathing example of what is possible – even in a seemingly impossible situation.

So as we were looking more into these points, what also came up was an experience of standing accountable to others and risk disappointing them or failing or not living up to set expectations. I’ve for example previously in my life deliberately decided not to take a higher education because I experienced there being a pressure or expectation upon me from my family and those around me. Only when I no longer experienced that pressure, basically when I felt that I had gotten them off my back and no one were making any comments any longer, did I decided to go back to university and get a degree. And this time it was my decision and so a responsibility that I took upon myself. The same thing has happened in my relationship with my partner where he wanted me to expand in a certain point of skill-development. But the more he talked about it, the more I resisted doing it. Eventually I asked him to stop and let me do it on my own and low and behold – once he had stopped talking to me about it, once it was something I was doing unconditionally without feeling pressured to do it, I could do it.

So what this is showing is a point of limitation within me where I’ve defined standing accountable to others or perceiving myself as standing accountable to others as something inherently negative. Its just like when I was a child where the adults were working for ‘something/someone else’ to survive, while feeling that their life was not their own and that there weren’t anything they could do about it, but to wait it out – where I then retreated into my creative world where I did have creative power and there was no sad or angry faces.

So what I’ve come to realize is that the problem is not that I don’t have dedication or discipline or willpower or drive. The problem is that I’ve channeled that expression through the mind, through that which feels good, that which I can do myself as a creation process – instead of realizing that I have the opportunity to do that in every moment, in everything that I do. I also realized that I’ve channeled this part of myself into some pretty meaningless projects, like making handmade Christmas gifts for everyone – instead of actually using my dedication for something that can make a real difference in the world – in all of our lives. But as soon as there’s a risk and there are other people involved, I get scared and then go into the old manipulation pattern of feeling inferior, not good enough and then giving up.

So basically what all of this has showed me is how desires are connected to fears and with the fears to experiences of lack. As a child I saw people living something that they believed were a definitive reality and I came to accept it as such and developed such a tremendous fear towards it that I made it a commitment to never get caught in that kind of life myself. Now, being in the process of building my own house, it has then come to represent this point of ‘creating a life for myself’ – but interestingly enough, I’m not actually doing anything different than other people are doing, meaning: it is still within the exact same framework of the exact same system of enslavement. It is a delusion of freedom, a delusion of creation and creative power, a distraction from actually creating life for real.

Because if you have a look at it, imagining what kind of tiles I’m gonna get or where the fridge is going to be, all it does is it stimulates consumerism – but where I’m in this delusion of believing that I’m ‘creating life’ for real – because that’s the reference that I’ve created for myself, that ‘creating life’ means making one’s own decisions for one’s own life – but how can I really say that it is? That my decisions are my own? That I’m making free choices?

It is interesting also in this context that ‘creating a life of my own’ becomes about ‘nesting’ and ‘playing house’ as a distinct female fantasy, thus going to show how extensively the preprogramming and enslavement actually goes; that even when we think that we’re freeing ourselves from the shackles of the past – we’re in fact reinforcing them, often by trying to do the opposite than what we think is enslaving us, only to the effect that we remain enslaved. As females it is thus (for the most part) as far as our ‘ambition’ or ‘vision’ go; to the babies or the house or if we really stretch it: to a successful career. But what about exploring the potential of life that is within us? Life as it has never been expressed before? That which we know exists within us as a seed but that we’ve never dared to nourish because it might just grow up and flower so vibrantly that the whole world will take note of it. Unfortunately our notion creating a life for ourselves is mostly about getting something or getting somewhere or becoming something, like these constant upgrades that is supposed to make us more – while we just feel like less and less throughout our lives. We never considered that the key to fulfillment was within us all along, not in a ‘spiritual sense’ of just coming to tems with and accepting who are are – but also realizing that we have the power and so the responsibility to change ourselves, from what we are now – and to do that we have to face who we are now – so that we may grow and expand and become the potential of who we could be.

So what I’ve come to see is that creating life for real – is something that I can only do within and through myself as the platform or the ‘nothingness’ through which life can be created, through the plowed soil of my being that has been cleared from the weeds of the mind and that is ready to receive and nurture that which has the potential to become life.

This is a process of discovery and exploration that is first and foremost internal, because how can I know what life is when I have never lived it? So it’s not so much about ‘creating my own life’ in this world – because that is in itself a delusion, an alluring distraction, considering how our entire system is build upon a foundation of enslavement, preprogramming and fixed results. It is about creating myself as life, about creating life as myself, about bringing myself as life into what I do, and so create life with and as what I do with myself.

This means that there are no limitations, in the sense that whatever I participate within, I can decide who I am within it and so direct it accordingly. See for example, if I were to only perceive my current job as a means to get money and otherwise within that feel disenfranchised because I know that I’m essentially working for a system of enslavement and that there’s no way out of that, would I look for opportunities to grow or expand? Would I be open towards seeing possibilities of transforming my job or position or even partake in transforming the system? Would I even be awake and aware enough to recognize when such opportunities presented themselves? No. I wouldn’t even advance in my job or be ambitious within it or seek to perfect myself, because I would be doing it in total separation from myself where I would see my job and myself as two entirely separate points, as though who I am when I am at work is just a slave, an organic robot doing its mechanical thing to survive, because “hey, that’s how the world works man, get with the program”.

What I also find so fascinating, which I didn’t know at the time – when I created this massive fear of being enslaved to a meaningless life and a meaningless job – was that the two women in my example, both became completely different people once they retired.

Both these women, my mother and the other woman – actually became ‘alive’ when the retired from their jobs. My mom started painting again and now at 73 she has never been more active or joyful. The other woman moved out to the beach in a little house and later moved to the other side of the country. What this showed was that their experience of not having any control or say in their lives had much to do with the point of working and feeling trapped in that.

They didn’t realize that they could change how they saw, experienced and defined themselves within their jobs. They didn’t consider – or didn’t dare to open themselves up to new possibilities or opportunities within their positions. All they saw was a job they had just to make money and the enslavement that followed until they system would release them from their bondage and give them twenty odd years of doing what they wanted as a ‘reward’.

I realize that it doesn’t have to be this way. The potential of life is in every fiber of this existence, to take what we have already created, as this limited and enslaved existence – and to transform it into something that we can be really creative with, have fun with, be dedicated towards, respect, honor, regard, care for – as ourselves.

That is done, not through waiting around till ‘life’ comes and grants us our retirement plan and THEN we can live, or to sit and wait around for Jesus or some other etheric savior to come on a cloud and magically take all our burdens away. No – it is done through taking the responsibility of creating life, of becoming life upon ourselves. We can each have a look at those moments, those parts of our lives where we are truly joyful and creative and innovative, where no one has to tell us what to do, where we trust ourselves, where making mistakes is a part of the process, where we dare to experiment and think out of the box, where we naturally dedicate ourselves and perfect ourselves relentlessly until we’ve created something that we’re satisfied with, something which contains all our hard labor and consideration – something that is substantial and useful and beneficial, not just for us but for those around us. Maybe you have never experienced this – and that’s okay too, because that gives you all the more reason to start opening yourself up to discovering what that would be for you – and who you would be within such a process of creation. And maybe you have, and maybe like me you’ve channeled it into things that are absolutely meaningless and make no difference in the world what so ever. But what we can take from that is that the ability to create is within us. And therefore it is our response-ability. To see what is here in the world and respond appropriately, in taking the responsibility upon ourselves to create the life that we see is best, that is optimal for all involved.

The next step for me with all of this is to first of all stopping with channeling my creative power into things that are essentially meaningless and instead start applying it where it really matters. To do that I obviously have to let go of my limited idea that I can only express my creative power in projects that I have started myself, where there are no deadlines or restrictions or expectations from other people – because that’s obviously unrealistic. Then I would be doing pottery for the rest of my life lol. So it means to stop trying to get away from one cage by building another to confine myself in. This doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy the process of building a house for example – but there’s a stark difference between doing that and then doing it out of a belief that I can’t create life and that I essentially have to compensate by simulating what life maybe possibly could be.

Let’s face it: there is no such thing as ‘creating a life of my own’ in this world. Why? Because life is not our own. We are not even our own. Everything we currently exist as belongs to a system of enslavement, a system that is attempting to simulate Life, but that can never be life because it is essentially created through the abdication of life in the first place – and who did that? We did. Life is not supposed to be ‘my own’ either, because that would mean that it was separated from everything and everyone else and that I would create my life without consideration for existence as a whole, and that by its very definition is exactly what life is not. Every desire we have comes from the past, from memories and from images that we’ve seen. There’s nothing original about it. So while we may walk around thinking that we’re being super creative or that we’re really creating a life of our own, we’re actually just browsing through the same old preprogrammed information and picking the ones that gives us a sense of freedom. So what does it mean to create life? Well that’s what we are here to find out.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

 

The Constant Undercurrent of Fear towards Other People. DAY 337

January 10, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

fear of other peopleHow much are we really aware of the fears that come up within us on a daily basis, and how many of our actions that are carried out in attempts to soothe those fears? Why is it that when we try to soothe fear by doing that which fear is telling us to do (like run or hide) – the fear only intensifies? Where does these fears come from and how can we assist and support ourselves to stop living in fear? That is what I explore from a personal example in this blog-post.

In this blog-post I am sharing a process of self-support that I have walked in relation to a pattern that has recently come to my attention within myself. It’s one of those mental and behavioral patterns that exists as a constant undercurrent within our daily lives, that has massive influence on how we experience and see ourselves – but that we aren’t consciously aware of because we’ve come to accept it so much as a part of who we are.

In this case, the pattern has to do with a fear of being ‘abused’ and ‘attacked’ by others and I explore what is actually within and behind this fear – to stand up from and within it and gift myself a deeper understanding of how I’ve come to create who I am today, so that I can make a directive decision as to who I am going to be from this moment, giving myself a clean slate through writing this pattern out and having a look at it for myself, to see what it actually is that happens when I go into this fear.

In relation to this, I recently listened to an audio recording that assisted me to further identify this pattern that’s been playing without within and through my relationship with my partner. The audio recording is about why our experiences in our relationships tend to be so much stronger than with other people and goes on to explain how our partners serve as a mirror for ourselves. The recording is titled Intensity – Relationship Success Support

The basic essence of this pattern is a fear of being abused and then a play-out of reactions towards the belief/perception of being abused.

Now, when I say being ‘abused’ in this context, it is based on the mind’s interpretation of abuse, which I will get back to, but it is basically the fear of being ridiculed, mocked, made fun of and judged – especially in a moment when sharing/expressing myself in vulnerability.

As I looked through my memories to see where this pattern started, two memories stood out:

The first memory is from when I was around 6 years old. I had brought my beloved teddy bear to school and the reason why my reaction was so strong to the particular unfolding of events was because I had projected an extensive amount of feelings and emotions into the teddy bear. (There’s actually several amazing audio recording from Eqafe about this point as well that explains why and how children do this:

Personality Projection – Life Review

Making Friends – Life Review

So I had brought my teddy bear to school and this older boy, I remember him as being almost an adult but logically when I look back at it now, he was probably not older than twelve (still double my age at the time) – he asked if he could see my teddy bear. I gave it to him and he then took my teddy bear and teased me that he was going to kill it.

In my little child mind that teddy bear was like my best friend. I wanted it to be alive. I obviously knew that he couldn’t kill it for real, but at the same time I reacted as though he was really trying to kill it. So he would run around with it mocking me and I remember that he eventually made a noose and hung my teddy bear from the ceiling.

Something I also remember is that this was a boy that I had respected and looked up to and I reacted very much to the fact that such an older boy would do something like that to me. I felt completely helpless and powerless and I was very angry and felt betrayed afterwards.

The other memory is from when I was around twelve and I had gotten my first boyfriend. One day he confided in me that he was actually adopted. I was shocked and wasn’t sure how to handle this secret and at the same time I found it very exciting. He had asked me not to tell anyone, but I told my best friend who was actually his childhood friend. He promptly came and broke up with me, telling me that he wasn’t really adopted and that it was a test he had given me to see if I was loyal. I always suspected that my friend had been in on it and that there was more to this story than either of them led on.

Here, the same thing happened as in the previous memory, where I felt betrayed and deceived by a male that I looked up to and respected.

So based on these memories and other memories of the same nature, I developed this pattern of expecting people (and males in particular) to abuse me if I were to open myself up to them and share myself with them. I have then carried this pattern through into my relationships where it will be triggered, for example if my partner laughs at something I’ve done. In that moment, the mind will associate the laughter with the laughter of the older boy from the first memory and will interpret the situation as though I am being mocked and deceived. I will then go into a defense mechanism and all the anger and powerlessness will resurface.

So my partner might be asking me an innocent question with absolutely no hidden agenda within it, but I will immediately jump to the conclusion that he’s being mean or spiteful or manipulative and that I should pull back and make myself hard inside and not allow myself to be vulnerable and open up. This then obviously has the consequence that I then don’t allow myself to be vulnerable with my partner, or with myself – and I’ve realized that I actually have a general underlying fear of something like this happening with anyone that I meet. So whenever I meet someone, I will calculate and asses where they’re at, whether they’re out to get me or not, whether I can potentially run into trouble – and will so accordingly adjust my expression and myself to avert any potential ‘attack’ from behind.

Because see, this is a significant part of the pattern where, in the past I was simply here expressing myself, like being with my teddy bear in school or rather innocently telling my friend that my boyfriend was adopted partly out of excitement and partly because I didn’t know what to do with the information – and both times I got blitzed. I then concluded (at least on a subconscious level) that it was because I was not on guard/paying attention. I thereby made the decision to be extra careful and aware of where other people are in relation to me, and whether there’s a possibility of me being attacked – because I never again wanted to experience being ‘caught off guard’ like that.

This is obviously no way to live, because it eventually evolved into a constant state of paranoia and fearful alertness and because I believed I had to remain in that state of mind, I also never fully allowed myself to be vulnerable with another person – let alone myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to accept it as normal and as a normal part of my daily state of being, to be paranoid, anxious and on guard towards other people, to such an extent that I am not even aware of how paranoid, anxious and on guard I am because it has become so much a part of me, that I don’t even pay attention to it anymore

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant state of survival, where I’m constantly analyzing situations and other people to determine whether or not an ‘attack’ is under way, whether I need to protect or defend myself – to the point where this has become something I’ve identified positively with, as a self-protective mechanism that makes me feel more safe around other people, within believing that I can essentially control a situation and myself within it, so that I can circumvent any possible ‘attack’ – when actually this is based on a fear of being powerless, towards being ‘caught off guard’ where I CAN’T control the situation or myself within it, because the consequence has already played out and it is too late to do anything about it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define ‘controlling a situation’ from the starting-point of me taking actions to circumvent another being angry with me, judging me or feeling negatively towards me in any way, where the part about me controlling the situation is when I feel and am satisfied that I have averted potential emotional ‘danger’ – when the fact of the matter is that I can never control what goes on within another person or how they react to me, and as such I’ve been trying to control my own emotions through trying to control my external reality within and as believing that it is my external reality that is responsible for and the cause of my emotional experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify and defend my analytical strategies towards getting people on my good side, within and as consciously defending it as a good ability to have, that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with wanting to make people like me and that I should cater and bend to make others like me and that if they don’t – it is my fault and because there’s something wrong with me – instead of realizing that how others react to or see me and how I experience and define myself are two different things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to change my definition and experience of myself based on how I perceive others reacting to me, where I then, if they are angry with me or mocking me or judging me take that personally and define myself according to it and if they are adoring me and looking up to me or feeling compassionate towards me I define myself according to that – thus making others reactions towards me an existential matter that determines who I am here, when in fact, the only one that do that – is me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being with or being near other people, in situations where any form of confrontation or attack could/might possibly happen, where I can possibly be caught off guard by not being attentive for even a second – not realizing that it is not actually the people that I fear, but in fact that which they represent to me in this context, which is the fear of being caught off guard and thus being powerless to others reacting negatively to me and me then taking that personally and defining myself according to it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and perpetuate a constant preconceived belief and expectation that others might possibly ‘attack’ me if I am not on guard and so closely monitor their words and body language to scan for any possible indications that an ‘attack’’ is coming so that I can be prepared and so that I can prevent such an ‘attack’ if possible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and hold onto a preconceived assumption that others are out to get me, especially in situations where there is potential for me to open up and be vulnerable – thereby causing myself to shut down before I let it get that far, because I associate being vulnerable and open with not being on guard and not being attentive to possible ‘attacks’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to intently analyze and calibrate another’s words to determine and decide whether there is something that could lead to an ‘attack’/’abuse’ and then when I perceive that there is – I initiate a self-defense strategy of either ‘attacking’ them before they can attack me or by trying to get them on my good side by alleviating that which I see caused the potential future attack/abuse

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a perpetual conflicted/polarized experience/perception of myself where I, on one hand when I perceive that others are out to abuse/attack me verbally, believe that their anger/judgment/ridicule directed towards me is valid where I then try to get them on my good side in a state of inferiority within taking their words personally — AND/OR where I go into blame and resentment projected towards them within seeing/experiencing myself as an unjust victim of abuse through which I then justify a ‘counter-attack’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define my general relationship with others, and especially when it comes to the physical situation of people being nearby or coming by me or over to me – through an energetic experience of fear of being abused/attacked because I have associated such situations (which are so general that they happen every day and all the time) – with the memory of feeling/believing that I was being abused/attacked in a moment of ‘weakness’ where I let my guard down and allowed myself to open up and be vulnerable, especially through having held on to and defined myself according to the memory of my first boyfriend who I believed confided in me and who I then experienced turned against me based on what I perceived to be an innocent mistake on my part and the memory of the boy whom I looked up to and respected that took my teddy bear and threatened to kill it and by whom I felt mocked and powerless against because he was so much bigger/older than me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and hold onto an energetic attachment towards the memory of the older boy who took my teddy bear and threatened to kill it, where I still hold it against him and resent him for teasing a small child when he was much older, where I go into a state of separation in experiencing myself as an adult wanting to protect and defend myself as that small child that I see as weak and powerless

Based on this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and define myself as weak and powerless, especially when it comes to what I perceive as being mocked by males and as such that I have to empower and strengthen myself by defending and protecting myself, not realizing that I’ve separated myself into two polarized states existing simultaneously and that I only feel the need to be strong in that way, because I believe myself to be weak

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional attachment where I’ve separated a part of myself as self-care and self-love into my teddy bear, that I then feared losing when the boy threatened to kill it – when in fact I realize that I in that moment, did see the ridiculousness of the situation and how it was merely a simulation as my teddy bear was not a real ‘companion’ in the sense of the attributes I had projected onto it and as such this moment could actually have assisted me to see this, had I not opted to take it personal and channel my energy of ‘care’ and ‘love’ into the teddy bear, thus reacting with equal measure of fear and petrification towards it being ‘killed’ – even though I knew it wasn’t real

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and define myself based on an experience of shock when my first boyfriend came and told me that he would no longer be with me, because I had been disloyal and that everything he had said to me had been a lie, as a test he was giving me to test my loyalty – where I felt completely caught off guard and unjustly treated, and betrayed by my friend and my boyfriend, because I suspected that there was more to the story than they lead on, such as him wanting an excuse to break up with me so that they could be together

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react within panic and petrification towards a situation of consequence playing out where it is too late to change, where I’ve already made a mistake that I can’t go back and change, such as telling my friend about my boyfriend being adopted – and so after this decide that I would never again be caught off guard like this and that I would be more attentive towards others so that I could prevent something like this from happening ever again

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to tell my friend about my boyfriend being adopted, because I didn’t know what to do with the information, in terms of how to talk to him about it or how to support him in it, which is why I went to her because she knew him better than me – but then also within and behind that telling this secret from a starting-point of gossiping as an energetic excitement towards something different happening, where I did betray his confidence and I did make a mistake

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take it personal and on the one hand judge and blame myself for what I’ve done and on the other, judge and blame my boyfriend for deliberately deceiving me and creating a trap for me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not ever forgive my boyfriend for deceiving me and not forgiving me when I made a mistake and instead since then hold onto blame towards him and towards myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with shock towards realizing that I’ve been deceived, that I was caught off guard and that I didn’t see it coming – and based on this making the decision to instill a point of always being ‘on guard’ within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and go into an automated state of fear and anxiety, ranging on panic whenever I hear someone in the hallway or whenever I hear someone coming towards me but I can’t yet see the person/people but only hear them, where I immediately run and get out of their line of sight so that they don’t see me, just in case I don’t look good or there’s otherwise something wrong with me or they’ll think there’s something wrong with me – so that I don’t have to be confronted with potential ‘abuse’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define ‘abuse’ and ‘attack’ in this context as the experience I create and generate in myself when I feel caught off guard by another and trigger a negative experience of fear/shock/powerlessness within myself – where the other person might not have abused me in fact, but where because I feel abused, I then define them as having abused me, while all along – I was the one who created the experience within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a positive energetic experience towards people that immediately confront me or scream at me or otherwise express their anger or negative emotions towards me directly and openly, because within such situations I feel much more at ease and in control of myself because there is no ‘blitz attack’ or no ‘attack from behind’ and so I can much better calibrate and analyze how to ameliorate the situation so as to bring the conflict back to harmony between myself and the other person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify within myself attacking others either before or during what I perceive as them attacking me, where I actually do exactly that which I fear being done onto me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a negative energetic experience of total panic, desperation and powerlessness when I don’t know where others stand in relation to me, when they don’t share, when I think something’s wrong and they say everything is fine, when they’re standing and talking out of my reach – basically any situation that prevents me from what I experience as me taking control over the situation by analyzing it and devising a subsequent ‘battle plan’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create, hold onto and experience myself as a small child that is totally powerless towards the abuse/attack, and so believe I must protect myself through analyzing the situation and creating a plan of how to prevent/abate any potential attacks – when in fact I now have a vocabulary and I have tools to support myself with and so in such an event that someone was indeed verbally attacking me or mocking me or ridiculing me – I would be able to direct the situation, because I have a much greater understanding of myself and of the mind in general and so I also understand that when someone attacks or mocks others, it does in fact have nothing to do with the person they mock or verbally attack, as they are reacting because of something in them that they see projected onto the other. As such I have the tools to direct such a situation without taking it personally and there’s no need for me to hold onto this archaic self-protection system in and through which I’ve isolated and secluded myself inside myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting this self-defense system go, within and as fearing and believing that if I do i will be vulnerable and open to attacks, because I won’t be on guard anymore – when in fact, what I am letting go of is merely the fear of being abused. This doesn’t mean that I can’t still be aware and alert to what’s going on around me, maybe even more so now – but it won’t be from a starting-point of fear and paranoia and I won’t have to constantly analyze others/situations out of fear, but can allow myself to naturally and in self-trust and open curiosity explore and be open towards understanding what’s happening in another or in a particular situation because I no longer take it personally or define myself according to it

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself participate in thoughts of paranoia towards how others might see/react to me – I stop myself and I breathe.

I realize that it is going to take a process of diligence and commitment for me to stop this pattern as it has become automated and integrated, like an undercurrent – so I commit myself to apply myself within and as diligence and patience to stop this pattern of paranoia towards being abused/attacked by others.

When and as I see that I am analyzing another’s words and body language to asses whether an attack is coming, I stop myself and I breathe.

I realize that I’ve been analyzing people’s words and body language from a starting-point of fear and that I’ve generated and accumulated a lot of energy by doing this, through submitting myself to and trying to soothe my fear – not actually to direct any possible attack or abuse

As such, I commit myself to learn how to effectively direct and understand verbal abuse and attacks and I commit myself to not take it personally, when or as another is indeed verbally attacking me, within realizing that it has nothing to do with me

When and as I find myself caught off guard, within my actions have created consequences that cannot be ameliorated that I wasn’t prepared for, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that it is impossible for me to control all situations and all outcomes and to always have people like me and be favorable towards me.

I realize that it’s not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ to make mistakes and that it simply means that there’s a point of me to correct within myself and align to what is best for all

So I commit myself to stop taking it personally when I’ve made a mistake that’s created consequences and to instead immediately look at how I can correct/amend the point so as to prevent it in the future

When and as I see that I’m reacting to what I perceive to be another’s reaction towards me, where I take it personal and define myself according to how they’re reacting, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I’m not actually defining myself according to another’s reaction, but according to my reaction to their reaction – and so it doesn’t have anything to do with them, because it was all created by me within my mind

I realize that whatever the case, I am always the one deciding who I am, no matter how others react – and so it is up to me to self-honestly see and take responsibility for who I am and whether or not a change is required

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to and change my experience of myself based on how I see that others see me.

Artwork by Andrew Gable.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

The Dark Side of being a Quick Learner: DAY 336

January 2, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

being a quick learnerThroughout my life I have seen myself as a ‘quick learner’, as someone who easily picks up on new things and who quickly understands patterns and systems, whether I am programming a new phone or analyzing the plot of a movie. Throughout my life this has become a positive self-image of superiority where I’ve seen myself as particularly ‘gifted’ and have seen others as inferior to me, when they did not pick up things as easy or as quickly as I did. This point stands is direct contrast to and is the polarity of the opposite experience of seeing and experiencing myself as inferior whenever there is something that I do not get immediately or quickly – and where I’d then give up on myself, often without even trying – just to hold onto this positive image and idea of myself.

Related posts

Manifesting a Vision of Creation into Reality. DAY 320

Putting Others Down to Feel Better about Ourselves. DAY 322

I Am What I Feel I Am…or Am I? DAY 315

Never Say Never to Change. DAY 318

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a positive self-perception, belief and definition of myself as being a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe and define myself as a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and define it as positive to be a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pick up the expression ‘quick learner’ from my environment where I’ve understood that it is something good to be and then accordingly have created a positive self-definition of myself as being a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pride myself off of being a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself and pride myself off of being quick at seeing things and make connections

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as someone who thinks quickly and easily sees connections

I forgive myself that I, because of perceiving myself as someone who learns and gets things quickly to expect myself to get and understand everything quickly

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, because of defining myself as ‘quick’ and a ‘quick learner’ perceive and believe myself as easily getting and understanding things immediately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a superior self-perception and definition where I see myself as superior to and more than others because of how I get things quickly and easily

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, because of having created this positively energized perception/belief/definition of myself as being quick and within that have created expectations towards myself, experience reactions when I don’t get some thing immediately

I forgive myself that I, because I expect myself to get things immediately, give up when I don’t get things immediately because it doesn’t fit with the idea/belief I’ve created about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept myself to give up on things when I don’t get them immediately, because it doesn’t fit to how I want to see myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to give up and to create a resistance towards doing things that I don’t get immediately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a belief and acceptance and definition of myself as someone that doesn’t like it when things take time

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a preference towards things I get immediately and resistance towards things that takes time to learn or to accomplish because of how I’ve defined myself as superior and positive in being quick

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that things shouldn’t take time to learn and within that have justified giving up on myself when I am faced with something that takes time to learn

I forgive myself that I, when I am faced with things that takes time or that takes me longer to learn, immediately give up on myself and created the justification and excuse that I then don’t feel like doing it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe, define and accepted myself as someone that does not like when things take effort

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards doing anything that requires patience, time and effort

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that things that takes effort and time aren’t worth doing and as such that I within this have justified giving up on and not doing things that takes effort

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist doing things that I don’t know how to do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards things that I don’t know how to do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into a justification of giving up on something because I don’t know how to do it by creating a resistance within me of not feeling like doing it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear things that I don’t know how to do because I’ve associated knowing things immediately with a positive experience of superiority and thereby have created a negative association with things I don’t immediately know how to do of inferiority thereby fearing inferiority

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself to not have to face myself within things that I don’t know how to do so that I don’t risk loosing my self-image of being quick and superior through which I derive a positive energetic experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no control when I don’t know how to do something

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify that because I don’t have control over things I don’t know how to do, I can opt out of doing them, it is okay to not do them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of resistance towards and not wanting to do things I don’t know how to do because I don’t have any control over them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear things I don’t already know how to do or can easily learn because it means that I can’t control the outcome or my experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into justifying opting out and giving up on things when I don’t know how to do them because I have no control over what happens

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of feeling devalued when I am faced with something I don’t easy get or don’t know how to do, where it ‘threatens’ my perception, definition and belief of myself of being strong, superior and quick because I easily get things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my experience of being devalued by things I don’t know how to do, onto the very thing or project itself, when in fact this experience is one I’ve created in myself by polarizing not knowing/knowing how to do something respectively as negative/inferior and positive/superior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into justifying giving up on things I don’t know how to do because I within facing them feel like my positive self-definition is threatened and devalued

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to prefer doing things I am immediately good at

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel confident, happy and strong when I do things I am immediately good at

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through defining myself according to my emotional experiences where, because it feels good when I do something I am immediately good at, I think and believe that it is a ‘sign’ that this is what I should be doing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a comfort zone of only doing things I am immediately good at where I avoid anything that in any way challenges that and so can create a delusional bubble for myself to exist in, where I can retain the belief, perception and definition of myself as being a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear of facing myself within and as things I am not immediately good at by deliberately avoiding such things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am particularly ‘gifted’, ranging on being a ‘genius’ and thereby that I am superior to others who do not get things as quickly or as easily as I do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and feel self-righteous within and as an experience of being more than and superior to others who do not get things as quickly or as easily as I do, where I’ve looked down upon them and have belittled them in my mind and out loud – not realizing how they might be quick and have an easy time understanding things that I struggle with – and as such, simply because I’m a quick learner in one area, it doesn’t make me a generally superior person – and it doesn’t justify me belittling or looking down on others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to split myself into two entirely separate parts within myself/my mind where it is like the superior part of me and the inferior part of me aren’t even existing in the same person, have no awareness of one another (as that would mean admitting that both are equally parts of me, thus nullifying both superiority and inferiority)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to, judge and become irritated at people that I perceive to be ‘too slow’ and ‘not getting it’ in moments where I’m getting something quickly/immediately – instead of realizing that they might not have the same predisposition or the same experience context that I do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own self-judgment and fear and suppression of the parts of me that is ‘slow’ and ‘not quickly getting it’ onto others, which I project onto them because I’ve separated myself from and have denied and refused to admit is a part of me, so that I could hold onto the delusional self-image of being superior within my mind

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself investigating something/learning something new where I see that I’m going into the character of being a ‘quick learner’ and therefore compromise the point of researching thoroughly and dedicating myself to learning what I’ve set forth to learn, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I’ve been sabotaging myself through a self-definition of superiority through which I’ve prevented myself from learning things in depth and detail in assuming that I would just naturally ‘get it’ without having to put much effort into it.

I realize that it is not better or worse to be slow or quick in getting or learning something and that it – more than anything, reflects the inequality that we’ve accepted in and as ourselves in this world, both when it comes to genetic predisposition, preprogramming and societal conditioning

I realize that my experience of ‘quickness’ as well as my ‘slowness’ are actually not parts of me that I can either take credit for or be ashamed of, as personally defining myself according to it, because it is merely predisposed inclinations towards certain skills or abilities that have been passed on to me from past generations as well as from societal conditioning, neither of which I have had any self-directive will in deciding or creating actively for myself in awareness. As such I realize that I can’t really say that it is ‘mine’ or that it is ‘me’ – when I don’t actually know all of me or how I’ve created myself. So how can I say that “this is who I am!” or “This is what I am good at” – when I have barely begun exploring the depths of my being?

When and as I see myself to react to others that I perceive to be ‘slow’ in feeling impatient and irritated, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I was coming from a starting-point of ego as superiority and that I’ve used this pattern as a self-defense mechanism to avoid admitting that I don’t know something or that I don’t understand it, by only engaging superficially in it and then expecting myself to get it, or to at least be able to fake it in the eyes of others, to for example pass exams – while actually not really learning anything of value. I realize that I have a natural and/or preprogrammed predisposition to learn certain things quickly or easy and with others that it might take me longer to learn. I realize that neither of these makes me superior or inferior.

I commit myself to let go of the idea, belief and definition of myself as being a quick learner towards which I’ve attached a positive energetic attachment with the polarity of inferiority towards points that I don’t naturally or quickly get and that I’ve then avoided engaging in, limiting myself to only do the things that comes natural and easy to me to hold onto this positive self-image of superiority. I commit myself to let go of the negative polarity I’ve attacked to being ‘slow’ and to not quickly getting something. I commit myself to stand equal and one here with myself supporting myself, and so others as my equals to utilize and expand ourselves within that which we’re already strong and quick at, and to challenge ourselves within that which we’re not yet as strong within.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

Commitment to The Potential and Creation of Life: DAY 335

January 1, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

a chance to liveA couple of weeks ago, our male cat Cheeky in a moment of excitement knocked over one of our plants. The same plant had the winter before almost died before we managed to save it through giving it increased care and attention. This time I gave the plant new soil and put it back in its place. The cat knocked it over once more. Again I had to change the soil but this time I moved the plant. I knew that the plant is sensitive to winter so I was concerned if it would manage to live through the trauma of being knocked over and having its roots mangled. Then it happened again. Since the last two times it had happened, it had lost leaves and was looking more and more like it wasn’t going to make it. I was very close to giving up on it and throwing it in the trash, thinking that “oh well, it’s just a generic house plant that I bought at the store.”. But then I saw the life within the plant, I saw that it was still alive and that the only reason to give up on it was because I was too lazy to replant it again and keep it away from the cat. I also judged myself for being responsible for its demise. In that moment I decided to not give up. I decided that I am going to give it my all to make sure that this plant survives. It has been through so much already and it has managed to make it against all odds. Last winter it almost died but the next spring it came back with more vigor than ever. So I am not giving up on it. I gave it new soil and a new pot and I placed it so high up that the cats can’t possibly get to it.

It is the same dedication and devotion that I am going to work with here in relation to myself, to stand with myself through the hard times, through the failures and the mistakes – and to see it through, to see myself through and to not give up on the potential of life within me.

In this blog post I am sharing a point of introspection regarding oversleeping and how we essentially squander developing our utmost potential through self-interest and through going into polarities within our minds. From the starting-point of looking at oversleeping I will investigate the weaknesses or points of self-interest that stand in our way of becoming out full potential, weaknesses as justifications to hold onto who we have been and not become that which we potentially can be – to start living instead of squandering the potential for greatness that is within us all. Many of us have issues with oversleeping and many may have found it difficult to change.

This is what I have realized in relation to oversleeping:

What I have previously found was the point of oversleeping was strongly connected to a point of suppression where there were parts and aspects of myself I feared facing. This is however not what I have experienced this time around. I suggest for each to investigate the point of oversleeping for themselves in self-honesty as your reasons for oversleeping might be different from mine. This does however not mean that we can’t be supported by each other’s self-support. The experience that I have had is that I am simply tired and I see that it has a distinct connection to a general sense of stress that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into over the last year. (I recommend watching this webinar from the Self & Living Store on stress for more support: Why Are You Stressed & How Can You Let it Go?)

I also see that there’s a point of spite in oversleeping because it’s something I want to do and as such waste time/lose time that could have been used on bringing something of value to the world, meaning that I’d prioritize doing what ‘feels good’ to me, rather than doing that which is best for all.

What I have found happens with oversleeping is that I start my day by setting a ‘bad example’ for myself – in starting my day in self-interest, self-sabotage, self-manipulation and denial and as such potentially corrupt and compromise my entire day, because that is who and what I accepted and allowed myself to be from the get go – if I don’t stop and change.

I also know that I have the potential to for example wake up every day at 6 in a consistent and supportive way because I’ve done it before. So I see how this point of accepting and allowing myself to oversleep is therefore a part of a pattern of slacking within and as self-interest of just wanting life to be easy, fun, entertaining and comfortable. This then stands in stark contrast and polarity to the experience of stress and being burdened by responsibilities.

A specific point of justification and self-deception in this is the experience that if I oversleep, it doesn’t have any significant consequences. It’s like that little voice that many people caught in addiction has, that say: “just a littttttle bit more….” Or: “I’ll stop tomorrow…”. Another justification I’ve seen in relation to this, is that I have become very effective in certain areas of my life, so effective that it has become natural to me and so I see how I’ve used this as an excuse and a justification, a literal point of denial where I’ve told myself that “it’s not that bad, because I’m doing okay.”

I know that I have the potential to do and be so much more. I know I can be a force to be reckoned with, from the perspective of bringing the essence of who I am as a being into the world and making an actual difference, not by being special or being more or better than anyone else, but simply through bringing the essence of who I am into the world and thus contributing to making real change happen, through the skills, expression and qualities that is within me.

To become that force to be reckoned with however, requires a stable, consistent, every day application of things that I might not enjoy doing, of simply doing things that does not give me any form of energetic satisfaction or recognition – where the value I am creating is manifested on a substantial and physical level as real change, a process that is created slowly but surely, similarly to laying bricks of a house. There’s no other way to go but to place them one by one.

As you’re building the house you have the blueprint and the final result planned out. But as you build the focus is on each brick and its placement on top of the previous. And for a moment you look up and you see how little you’ve done and how many bricks are still left and you wonder if you will ever be able to build a house, and it seems impossible, and you start to feel bored. So what is cool about this analogy is to see how creating something from nothing requires full focus and attention on each moment of creation – not on the final out comes.

The house will only start taking shape as you go laying each brick, slowly but surely, in a consistent flow. Eventually you’ll start seeing the outline; there will be more bricks placed in the structure than will be left on the ground and in the end you will have built a house. I have done this with other creation processes, processes where I’ve been absolutely determined and steadfast and insistent in getting it done – as well as in understanding what it takes to get it done, not even going to the point of thinking about it or how it makes me feel, because I am in a total and full commitment to what I am doing.

So what I’ve learned from all of this is that the desire for an easy-going lifestyle that doesn’t demand much of me, where what I do doesn’t have any consequences in the lives of others, is directly linked to the opposite polarity of existing in fear of not being good enough, of not doing enough, of trying to moralize myself into being better, of stressing over getting everything done.

I’ve been so fixated on how ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ it is that I oversleep for example or that I slack in certain areas of responsibilities, that I haven’t stopped to look at where that point of oversleeping and slacking actually comes from.

I hadn’t realized that the pattern of oversleeping was connected to stress and I hadn’t considered that precisely a year ago my blogs was focusing on an experience of stress connected to my job. What I am realizing now is that although I walked through dimensions of this stress, I allowed ‘bits and pieces’ of it to linger and eventually throughout the year I found myself in a perpetual state of constant stress. What actually happened was that because I had already walked through it in writing and in self-corrective application, I concluded that I was done and therefore I refused to acknowledge that I still existed in stress. The more I stressed, the less effective I became in balancing the various responsibilities in my life.

So this has been quite a journey, from writing about stress and being satisfied that I had walked through it, to keep on lingering in the stress subconsciously and trying to be more effective, causing me to be less effective and eventually resulting in oversleeping and slacking as an automated polar reaction. I then went into judging myself for oversleeping and moralized the point for myself, thus causing me to not look at what other causes could be involved with why I always felt so tired. I simply saw it and thus myself as ‘wrong’ and then concluded that I had to ‘get my shit together’ so to speak.

The fact of the matter is that with my job, it is still very new to me. Obviously after three years into it I know a lot more, but on a physical and practical level I am not yet up to a standard that I am 100 % satisfied with. I see how I have compared myself to others who either have a more suited background to do the job or who has a more natural inclination for making it work.

What is interesting about the point of getting good at my work is that it is not something I can rush or force to come through. It literally takes the time it takes to become effective at it and I only have so much time during a week or a day. This is something that I’ve been aware of but that I’ve also brushed off, in focusing more on projecting myself into where I wanted to be, rather than walking what is needed to be done here, step by step.

Within this, I’ve made work and also other responsibilities something that I dreaded because I judged myself as not being good enough and as having to be better, thereby polarizing it and creating an opposite polarity of ‘winding down’ to balance it out.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have polarized myself into two polarized experiences of stress and exhaustion on one hand and laziness and desire to escape on the other

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for oversleeping and slacking in certain responsibilities in moralizing myself as being ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ and thereby seeing the ‘correction’ equally as ‘getting my shit together’ and thereby preventing myself from looking deeper into what other causes could be involved in the pattern of oversleeping and slacking

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not specifically clarify, define and understand for myself what polarities are and how I participate in polarities where, once I’ve created one polarized experience, the opposite polar experience is bound to emerge due to the nature of how polarities function and operate

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not clearly or specifically see or understand the connection between my negative polarized relationship towards responsibilities and the positive experience of escaping from it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that I was done with working through stress and that I have therefore denied myself to look at other dimensions of stress that I hadn’t yet walked through

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a perpetual and subconscious state of stress towards my work and towards the fact that I am not yet as effective in my work as I would like to be as well as in regards to the balancing of responsibilities on a daily basis

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself through judging myself for not being effective, instead of supporting myself in gentleness, patience and self-support to look at creative and practical solutions for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that I was stressed because I kept saying to myself that I had already walked through it and I was satisfied with my writings, not realizing that yes, I had walked through some dimensions of stress – but not all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation towards myself that I am to be better at my job than I am, when in fact I don’t have the prerequisite skills or the knowledge yet to do it the way I would like to do and therefore my expectation is unrealistic and based on an ideal that I’ve compared myself to, whereby I’ve found myself lacking – instead of slowly but surely walking the process of perfecting myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an automated pattern of moralizing and judging myself whenever I am not living up to my own expectations and projected standards, where I take my own shortcomings personally and automatically believe that there’s something wrong with me, that I am evil – instead of looking at the points of correction practically and accordingly structure myself into practical change

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to harm and abuse my physical body through accepting and allowing myself to exist in a perpetual state of stress and a subsequent denial that I am stressed, causing my body to function on a less than optimal capacity, thus causing the experience of perpetual tiredness and the polarity of resistance towards working because I’ve associated working with not being good enough and with the moral judgments I’ve cast on myself because of it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only stop up and ask myself what I’m doing once consequence is manifested on a physical level and/or is pointed out to me by others, thus implying that I am not here in awareness, self-support and self-honesty as a general and consistent self-directed application

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a polarized experience towards work and responsibilities where I see it as something I am forced to do, as something dreadful, as a chore and as something I’m doing for something/someone else, when in fact – being at work or taking care of responsibilities doesn’t change the fact that I am Here or how I am Here and as such I can decide who I am and how I am going to approach what I do. There is no set-in-stone rule that work or responsibilities MUST be dreadful or boring or stressful or full of moral judgments

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a positive polarity opposite when it comes to things that I’ve decided to do for myself, where I don’t experience any pressure or stress or moral judgments

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not look at creative ways I can change, correct and optimize myself in my work and in my responsibilities in the areas where I see that I am lacking/not yet where I want to be, and instead of it being a dreadful, inferorized point, can have fun with it and have fun with expanding and perfecting myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not approach the point of seeing parts of myself where I am not effective as opportunities to learn, grow and expand – and that I’ve instead seen them as these horrible ‘flaws’ that I must obliterate and get rid of and that I have therefore not stood by myself in self-support but have stood against myself in respectively deluding myself into a polarized self-image of either being ‘wrong’ or in complacently dulling myself into a belief that ‘it’s okay’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to oversleep within and as an experience of being tired, but without having questioned why I suddenly (within the last year) have started feeling much more tired than I have previously – and that I’ve instead merely focused on the point of oversleeping being ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ and that “I must correct it” – instead of looking systematically at what’s going on from a practical perspective

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify oversleeping by making the perpetual excuse that there isn’t going to be any immediate consequences if I oversleep and that it is therefore okay for me to oversleep this one time, when in fact there is never only ‘this one time’ and the consequences that manifest might be long-term and perpetual, but consequences none the less

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify slacking by soothing myself within the belief and justification that “I am generally effective, so it’s okay for me to slack a little bit here” – not realizing how I am within doing that manipulating and deceiving myself into compromising my self-integrity and so corrupting and sabotaging myself into the next moment of breath in standing as a ‘bad example’ for myself through what I will accept and allow and what not

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to focus so much on slacking and oversleeping being ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ that I haven’t asked myself unconditionally why it is I’m accepting and allowing myself to slack and oversleep

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand by myself through all and everything that I face within myself and that I’ve instead polarized myself into the positions of either judging myself or deceiving myself into believing that I’m okay – when in fact I know that I’m not, I know when I’m doing something that isn’t best for all, but even within that I can be self-supportive, I can be self-honest, I can be gentle and patient with myself – and I can push and move myself to change

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own moral judgment onto others in my world where I have judged and blamed them for judging me and I have felt sorry for myself and have justified making mistakes because of it – instead of realizing that no judgment can ever effect me but my own

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation towards myself that I am supposed to be perfect and an example for others and that if I am not, then all is lost and then there is something fundamentally wrong with me, instead of realizing that I am walking a process of change and that I am coming from an inherently corrupted and misguided starting-point, that I am slowly but surely changing, point by point – and that even my expectation of perfection towards myself is a part of this misalignment, a belief, an idea, a delusion and a self-limitation that I’ve imposed upon myself – instead of walking my process here in real time in walking with what emerges from within me unconditionally and allow it and myself to unfold, whether it is a natural expression or an abusive pattern – to stand by myself in unconditional and self-honest self-support

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself going into thoughts of stress about my work, where I compare myself to an ideal of how I believe I should be, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is impossible for me to live up to an ideal in my mind. I realize that the only way for me to perfect myself is through walking a practical, space-time, learning process that cannot be rushed or preempted but that is going to take time and a process. As such, I commit myself to be patient with myself as I walk through this learning process. I commit myself to look at practical ways I can learn, develop, grow and optimize myself in my work. I commit myself to systematically work on improving myself in my work. I commit myself to let go of the idea and belief that I am not good enough because I should be better/perfect. I realize that there is still a lot I have to learn and that it is not wrong or bad to make mistakes or to fail. I realize that every time I make a mistake or fail at something I had set out to do, is an opportunity for me to learn and grow and expand. I also commit myself to stop being complacent about my mistakes where I, instead of going into panic and self-judgment about them, go to the opposite polarity of minimizing them and ignoring them – instead of actually moving myself to a point of change and self-correction.

When and as I see myself reacting within an experience of feeling dread, of judging, of feeling bored, of feeling forced and pressured to perform a task or carry out a responsibility, I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I react within a negative experience towards something I condition myself to that polarized negative experience and so create a positive equivalent to balance it out, thus placing myself in a time-loop of circling back and forth between polarities, where the positive polarity seems like an escape from the negative, when in fact it is a direct consequential outflow of it; one cannot exist without the word. I realize that I don’t have to have any experiences, neither positive nor negative towards the things I do or the responsibilities I take on. I realize that I can be here and do what is needed to be done in every moment in equality with a focused aim of perfecting myself and expanding myself to live and become my utmost and full potential. I realize that this is what it means to truly be satisfied and content; to know that I have done everything in my power to optimize and perfect myself, that I have gotten to know something in such depth and detail that I know how to effectively direct it and myself and others in and as it. I realize that I don’t have to be perfect and that it is unrealistic and delusional to expect myself to be perfect. I realize that I am walking a process from imperfection to perfection and that as I do that, the best possible way I can do that effectively, is by walking with and by myself no matter what, no matter the mistakes I make, no matter how many times I fail, no matter what I discover about myself – and so trust myself to walk through it with diligence and integrity, in being self-honest and serious about changing and correcting myself. I commit myself to stop judging myself for making mistakes, I commit myself to stop casting moral judgments on myself when I see that I am not living as effectively as I am able to.

When and as I see that I am deviating from naturally being effective within my day-to-day living, I stop and I breathe. I allow myself to stop up and have a look at where I’m at, what points that can possibly be misaligned – instead of automatically going into moral judgment towards myself. I also realize that simply because what I am doing or who I am is not ‘wrong’ from an energetically polarized moral perspective, it doesn’t then mean that what I do is then automatically ‘okay’ or even acceptable. So I commit myself to continue to work with this point of being brutally self-honest while also being patient and gentle with myself, instead of being simultaneously overbearing and making excuses for myself.

I realize that I have the potential to be and become more than who and what I am now and that this does not mean that who I am now is ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ – but simply that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a limited and diminished capacity of self-corruption and I dare myself to take on the challenge of seeing who and what I can become through unconditionally and absolutely dedicating myself to this process of growth and expansion. I realize that growth and expansion is not something that is automatically delivered to me on a silver platter, but that it is in fact a physical process of moment-by-moment creating myself into something different than who and what I am today. And I realize that I will never be able to get there or see who or what I can become, by continuing to judge and deny what is here. Because it is through seeing and transforming who and what I am here that I can create myself anew.

I realize that I do see my own potential. I realize that I do have the tools, the support, the stability and the ability to walk this process. I realize that I’ve been holding myself in a suspension field between inferiority and superiority in my mind, instead of standing equal and one with all of myself here, through a practical process of changing and directing myself in every moment. I realize that it will be a process and that what matters is my consistency in application here, to focus on the practical and systematic solutions rather than becoming blinded by the problems.

I commit myself to accept the fact I exist primarily in and as a mind-consciousness-system, as a simulated virtual reality mechanism that I have integrated so extensively into my body and being that it has become a part of who I am. I realize that I have programmed the mind to have as its only objective to secure its survival and that I cannot blame or judge the mind for this, because after all, I’m the one who, in fear and desire, and in separation from myself, programmed the mind this way. As such I realize and I accept the responsibility of deprogramming myself, to take responsibility for my creation of myself as the mind, as the body, as my being that I have yet to know myself as fully – and I commit myself to stand with myself through this process, through the denial, through the deception, through the manipulation, through the self-interest, through the confusion, through the conflict, through the drama, through the self-judgment, through the apathy – and into the unknown as the potential of who and what I can become. I commit myself to take responsibility for the creation of myself – the creation of myself up until here and the creation of myself from here on out.

I commit myself to not make these words empty or lofty – but to focus on the processes of practical correction that I can make here in the physical on a basic and fundamental level, as stopping the polarity of stress and slacking – so that I can be here with what has to get done and simply do it and get it done, point by point, breath by breath. I know that this process is not done with these words. I know that these words will not magically propel myself into change. But I have gained a deeper understanding of the patterns that were at play before I started this writing, in fact a completely different understanding through which I allow myself to stand with and by myself in self-honesty, and see myself for who and what I am.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

 

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