February 26, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life
A friend said something recently that I found to be profound and that assisted me to open a point within myself. She said that abdicating responsibility for oneself is the same as not having the will to live, because real Living, becoming life, living, is only possible when one takes responsibility for oneself. Abdicating responsibility for oneself is thus abdicating oneself as life.
Throughout my life I wouldn’t say that I’ve been the best at taking care of myself. As a small child I suffered some physical ailments that caused my food intake to be very restricted and I developed a stark polarity where I saw all ‘unhealthy’ foods as being the equivalent of ‘freedom’, ‘independence’, ‘self-empowerment’ and ‘fun’ – simply because they were that which I couldn’t have. I don’t remember having a negative relationship to the things I could eat or drink. So it was more the comparison and polarization of the fact that there were things I couldn’t eat/drink that made me desire it.
So what I’ve come to realize is that as a child, I experienced my body being subject to the control and influence of adults and that I had no power over what to do with my own body. It was and quickly became a negative relationship to anything that had to do with the body.
A couple of examples:
When I was a child I suffered from a milk and food-coloring allergy. This meant that virtually all candy was off limits to me. I’ve gone through many a children’s birthday party staring at the other kids eating candy and ice cream and drinking soda, whereas I was restricted to eating raisins and drinking water.
I remember a particular incident when I was around 6 or 7 years old where I had a severe case of the flu and quite a high fever. I had created a conflicted relationship towards showering because it was again something I was being forced to do and so that day my mom forced me to shower, until she saw me shivering in the shower with pale blue lips and realized how sick I was. I tried telling her that I was sick, but she shrug it of because she thought I was faking it and so she quite brutally forced me to shower. Afterwards she apologized many times and was very ashamed. I remember how I felt so righteous and at the same time I felt so violated and betrayed by my mom.
In kindergarten the teachers several times decided that the children had to eat ‘odd foods’ to ‘expand’ our ‘culinary’ horizon. So several times they forced us to eat foods that most kids don’t like, which – also again because of the point of force – created such a huge drama that one time kids (including myself) were vomiting and refusing to eat.
So I developed a distinct polarized relationship between doing what is best for my body being associated with something adults would say to me and eating what’s not best for me as something I decided for myself:
“Vegetables are good for you, eat it.”
“Don’t eat too much candy, its not good for you.”
So if we look at the symbolic representation of what ‘food I am not supposed to eat’ represent to me, it is the words ‘freedom’, ‘independence,’ ‘self-empowerment’ and ‘fun’ and this attachment still exists to this day where it (obviously on my decree and permission, whether conscious or unconscious) tends to override common sense consideration of what is in fact best for me.
So there’s a desire towards an idea of ‘freedom’ and ‘independence’ caused by a perceived lack of ‘freedom’ and ‘independence’ – starting when I was a child, where I associated my food restrictions with being held back by adults, not realizing how my mother especially was doing the best she could to take care of me.
I can see that the way it is manifested now is more that I exist in a dichotomy between responsibility as a duty which is something very serious that I feel burdened by, that I feel immense guilt towards, where there are constantly things I ‘should’ be doing that I’m not doing – and then the indulgence and ‘cheating’ on the other side where I for example occasionally allow myself to eat foods I know aren’t best for me.
So my desire for freedom, independence and self-empowerment is actually a desire to be free from what I am already doing to myself in my own mind. So as much as I love doing things that I’m not supposed to do, because it makes me feel empowered and liberating, I am also equally addicted to being hard on myself, to come down on myself and to constantly think about all the things I should be doing and that I’m not doing.
So my question is this: how do I get from this point, to a point where choosing that which is best for me becomes a natural and obvious choice? What is it that I have to let go of to start living that which is best for me in fact?
This is now something I have been practicing, because what is obviously relevant here is the point of practically correct myself in my physical day-to-day living.
So for example recently I’ve been craving licorice for some reason. Normally I wouldn’t allow myself to indulge in something like licorice specifically because its on the idea of ‘don’t eat’ and ‘candy’ list which mean that I would either completely ignore it or I would binge eat and get a stomach ache. So I decided to honor my urge for licorice (which may by the way indicate a deficiency in the body) and then as I was eating these ‘hot’ licorice, I started noticing that I was getting a belly ache and that it was burning in my mouth. Now – this was a ‘make it or break it’ moment for me, because I knew in that moment that this was it, this is the exact moment that requires correction, where I’ve all my life listened to the mental (and sometimes psychosomatic or mentally induced on the body) urges while entirely ignoring any signals from my body that something isn’t good for me. I had the opportunity to now change what ‘voice’ I would listen to; the body’s or the mind’s.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and to judge myself for never having considered or honored myself within and as my body and the needs and requirements that I have within/as my body to sustain myself to live
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react in shock and self-judgment within seeing and realizing that I’ve never honored myself within and as my body
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of total separation from myself within/as my body where all I have ever honored was my mind
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life predominantly only listen to and honor the mind, while ignoring and compromising myself in/as my body.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience friction and conflict within myself when I’m presented with having to make the choice between what is best for me within my body and what I want/prefer in/through the mind, where I know that I am compromising myself by choosing that which I want in the mind over what I know is best for me, but do it anyway, partly out of habit, and partly because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the mind override and dictate the physical for so long
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a symbiotic relationship with the mind where I perceive the mind as giving me ‘maximum pleasure/experience’ and where I’ve defined ‘mind choices’ as choices of freedom and fun and excitement and choices of body as boring and forced upon me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I created this pattern as a child, where the needs of my body was the responsibility of adults and where I thus separated myself from the body into the mind, where I perceived/believed/accepted the mind as being ‘me/more me’ because no one would dictate or could control me within the mind, whereas my body was subject to outside influence
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an association between taking care of the body and the body’s needs and requirements with a loss of freedom, with restriction, with being forced by others and with something that is generally boring, tedious and dutiful
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and exist within and as a relationship of polarity and friction between the mind’s wants and ‘needs’ and the body’s needs where I’ve associated all preferences/wants that starts in the mind as being inherently positive, because they weren’t dictated to me by someone outside of me but were coming from my own inner secret ‘being’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see or understand that the wants/desires/choices that comes up within me through the mind aren’t actually free as they too are conditioned and subject to influence, both directly and indirectly, but where it is more subtle than the control that I experienced on my body as a child, because the influence on the mind is something that is not directly spoken of, but is being carried out for example through advertisements/television and through observing others and how they react/respond to things
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I choose something from a mind starting-point, then this decision is automatically more free and therefore more exciting, more fun, more alive than when I choose from a body starting-point, because I have associated the mind with being me, with being secret inside of me and not subject to influence, whereas I’ve perceived/experienced my body as being under the control of others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disassociate from my body and thus from myself as the physical and within that even go to the point of alienate, judge and blame the body for its needs/requirements – because I as a child experienced my body being subject to control by adults and experienced that the subject of my body, what I do with it and what goes into it, is something that I have no control over, and therefore my body’s requirements does not belong to me and therefore I am separate from my body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility for giving and providing for myself as my body, what I need to sustain myself as a physical living organism because I’ve created a mental relationship of polarity and conflict towards fulfilling the body’s physical requirements within feeling forced and restricted by adults who told me what I could do and not do with my body
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as a child believe and accept that I cannot be trusted to provide for my body and within that accept that an adult must take responsibility for providing for my body, thereby separating myself completely from getting to know and understand my body and its requirements and as such abdicating responsibility for myself as the body
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a conflicted relationship to the point of caring for my body, specifically within and as experiencing myself as a child being unrightfully treated and violated when adults forced something upon me that I knew/could feel wasn’t best for me, but where I had accepted them as the authority over my body’s needs and myself as untrustworthy to take responsibility for my body – essentially causing me to turn against my body and blame it for my experience of being violated and betrayed by an authority that was supposed to know what’s best for me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am actually the only one who can ever know what’s best for my body as I am the one who is in/as the body with its specific and individual composition and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate that responsibility for myself through accepting the adult/child power dynamic as valid and then blame the adult when they acted on that authority in ways that wasn’t best for me, instead of developing my ability to express what is best for me and stand by that, even in a situation where my physical needs are cared for by others
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn against my body and to experience and perceive the body as a traitor, as a form of dead weight that I am dragging around and that is being a party-pooper by having these needs and requirements that means that I can’t just gorge or indulge or go full on out on candy or rides or other forms of stimuli that I’ve associated with ‘being free’
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to later make that into a spiritual quest, where I literally thought and believed that to be free I had to get rid of the body and be ‘mind/spirit’ only – never realizing that what I was reacting to was not the real body in fact, but my conflicted and polarized perception of it in reaction to being controlled as a child
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rebel against being controlled by another human being, by turning against my own body/myself to spite them and get free from them, not realizing that by doing so I was shooting myself in the foot and was not only compromising and abusing myself, but was in fact enslaving myself and making myself subject of control of a different master, namely the mind-consciousness system
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to carry this relationship between honoring my body’s needs and following my mind’s desires on into my adult life where no one was controlling me or what I do with my body where I’ve continuously kept ‘fighting the fight’ against ‘control’ through deliberately doing what my mind wanted and ignoring what my body needed and within that, subconsciously believing that I was ‘standing up for myself’ and ‘freeing’ myself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pride myself off of ignoring the body’s needs and taking this self-abuse to the limit of placing myself in physically harmful, dangerous and abusive situations where I would even get/create a positive experience out of harming the body, essentially within seeing the body as an extension of the control I was subjected to as a child, because the control was primarily done onto my body/having to do with my body – and not in any way seeing/honoring the body as life/as me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have misdirected what I saw as a child as the unacceptable in adults controlling children’s bodies, where I tried freeing myself through turning on myself, not realizing it was myself I turned on because I was in such a state of separation from myself that I couldn’t see/realize/accept that the body is/was me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ever only see/identify/experience ‘myself’ in/as the mind, where I saw and defined ‘me’ as my ‘personality’, my feelings, my thoughts, my fantasies, my imaginations, my preferences because these were ‘within’ me – whereas the body was ‘on the outside’ of me and was subject to control by others, not realizing that every single part of my mind is preprogrammed either genetically or epigenetically and is therefore not ‘me’ in the sense of any essence, as the mind is a system that simulates life/essence/being – and even the body is a programmed simulation, yet at the same time consists of life-substance which is the essence of what gives ‘life’ to the body and the mind all together
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ignore the needs of the body because I saw the body as an enemy, as a stranger, as an object, as a vessel, as an image, as something that I am forced to be with, but that is not who I am, because I have separated myself from the body as myself and have accepted myself as mind only – never realizing that I am both and that it is from within the body that life can be born from the physical, as the body is substance and life is substance, whereas the mind is a simulation of substance/the creation of substance
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I was born into this world, everything was in place and preprogrammed for me to abdicate responsibility for myself as the physical and only accept myself as the mind, and that for example the relationship between adults and children where adults have authority and power over the child’s body is part of that process of self-abdication and separation where I came to turn against the body through associating the body with enslavement and thus the mind with freedom – which was exactly the point of it all, so that I would be forever trapped in the ‘magic’ of the mind and would never ever turn to the body and realize the potential of the substance of life within/as me
I forgive myself that I, by abandoning myself as the body, by separating myself from the body, by abusing the body, by accepting the body as subject to someone else’s control, have abandoned myself as life and have locked myself into an existence of enslavement within an illusion of trying to get to substance, to freedom, to life – - – through the very abdication of life as who I am
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and scared of having to now embark on the journey of honoring myself as the body and honoring the requirements and needs of the body within 1) fearing that I don’t know how to honor the body and 2) that it will be boring and that life will be less colorful, less exciting and less fun because I still hold onto the belief that mind = fun and body = boring
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I never make the decision to discover myself as life, I will forever exist in a simulation of life, chasing an idea of life which is what is symbolically represented through my ideas/imaginations/experiences of ‘fun’, ‘freedom’ and ‘excitement’ – where I’ve preferred the simulation over the real thing, because I know the simulation and because I do not yet know the real thing
When and as I see myself standing before a choice of choosing what is best for my body based on how I know my body to be due to experience and having observed/felt my body (thus NOT based on ideas/beliefs about what’s health since I understand that this too is preprogrammed and my individual body might require something totally different than what’s considered ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’ in the system) – and choosing something that I have an idea/feeling of preferring/wanting – I stop and I breathe.
I remind myself of why it is that I resist doing what is best for the body and I embrace the body as myself within deciding to do that which is best for me as a decision towards the process of creating myself as life, rather than choosing that which I know, which gives me a positive energetic experience JUST because its NOT the body that needs it, which I’ve associated with a negative experience
I realize that I can now let go of this polarity and I can now let go of choosing my mind over my body because I now understand how I’ve created this system/pattern
I realize that this resistance/polarity is likely to keep coming up within me, until I have fully changed/transcended the pattern in a physical practical process of self-change and I commit myself to not fear this or fear that I won’t be able to do it because its something I’ve never done before
The pattern stands so clear to me now that I can make this decision in awareness to decide to live by what is best for my body and thus myself and thus life as myself and I commit myself to let go of and stop fearing that choosing based on what is best for my body will be ‘boring/restrictive/enslaving’ because I now understand that this actually came from a reaction towards being controlled by adults, which was part of the preprogram to ensure that I never realize myself as life and that I’d reject life and embrace the mind’s simulation
I commit myself to support myself to walk this process of change of who I am in relation to my body and thus to myself and who and what I accept myself as
I realize that it is going to be a process to change this pattern and I commit myself to be patient and diligent with myself as I walk through it, to not give up but to stand determined to learn how to honor myself as the potential of life that I am.
Related blogs I’ve written on this and similar points:
- Self-Empowerment Through Principled Living. DAY 342
- Redefining The Word: MUST. DAY 341
- Radical Self-Unschooling. DAY 340
- Reconnecting With The Physical Body: DAY 274
- The Body is a Temple… Where We Worship the Mind: DAY 270
- Self-Respect for The Physical Body: DAY 269
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