Redefining The Word: FAILURE. DAY 333

I am here working with the word ‘failure’ because I’ve realized that I’ve ha

If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332

Why is it that, if we do not direct ourselves in awareness, we cannot actually say that we are alive

Assiduous Specificity and The Butterfly Effect. DAY 331

I am continuing here with where I left off on day 329 in regards to looking up to someone and rather

 

Redefining The Word: FAILURE. DAY 333

December 13, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

dont fear failure 1024x640 Redefining The Word: FAILURE. DAY 333I am here working with the word ‘failure’ because I’ve realized that I’ve had very strong negative reactions to this word, to the point where I would literally avoid expanding myself into new unknown territories or areas of life because I was so afraid of failing. So I’d rather stay in my comfort zone where I knew I would not fail, and as a result – I failed myself in my decision to expand myself to the utmost of my potential.

Failure

Current allocation

I have seen failure as something very bad, as a taboo that I have to avoid at all costs. I see failure as shameful and embarrassing, as something that reflects poorly on one’s character. Interestingly enough, I have images of Japanese warriors committing suicide due to having failed coming up – and so also the point of disgrace and punishment. I also recall the saying that ’failure is not an option’ – but not from a motivational point of view, but from a fearful point of view.

Dictionary definition:

fail·ure (f l y r)

n.

1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends: the failure of an experiment.

2. One that fails: a failure at one’s career.

3. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short: a crop failure.

4. A cessation of proper functioning or performance: a power failure.

5. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected; omission: failure to report a change of address.

6. The act or fact of failing to pass a course, test, or assignment.

7. A decline in strength or effectiveness.

8. The act or fact of becoming bankrupt or insolvent.

Etymology:

fail (v.)

c.1200, “be unsuccessful in accomplishing a purpose;” also “cease to exist or to function, come to an end;” early 13c. as “fail in expectation or performance,” from Old French falir “be lacking, miss, not succeed; run out, come to an end; err, make a mistake; be dying; let down, disappoint” (11c., Modern French faillir), from Vulgar Latin *fallire, from Latin fallere “to trip, cause to fall;” figuratively “to deceive, trick, dupe, cheat, elude; fail, be lacking or defective.” Related: Failed; failing.

Replaced Old English abreoðan. From c.1200 as “be unsuccessful in accomplishing a purpose;” also “cease to exist or to function, come to an end;” early 13c. as “fail in expectation or performance.” From mid-13c. of food, goods, etc., “to run short in supply, be used up;” from c.1300 of crops, seeds, land. From c.1300 of strength, spirits, courage, etc., “suffer loss of vigor; grow feeble;” from mid-14c. of persons. From late 14c. of material objects, “break down, go to pieces.”

Sounding:

Fail-You-Are

Farewell

Fae-Lie

Fate-Ill

Fall

Veil

Fatal

Polarity

The word fail/failure has a distinct negative association

254467 10150210330166275 5936230 n Redefining The Word: FAILURE. DAY 333

“A Successful Failure, is when Failure is taken Personally – and the Purpose of Failure is not Grasped. Because Failure, has been Changed into the Illusion of Energy and is Experienced as some form of ‘Feeling’ – Failure, when Grasped – is the Map and the Road to Self-Perfection.” – Bernard Poolman

Creative Writing

It is interesting to see how I experience the words entirely different if I say: ”it failed to function”, ”the experiment failed” or if I say: ”I failed to do it” – where the latter is where the negative association is the strongest. So I see that I’ve taken the word failure personal as something that reflects directly on who I am, hence the sounding of ’fail-you-are’. I also see how failure as a taboo, as something we fear, as something that’s embarrassing is something that’s been preprogrammed very specifically to limit us to not try new things and to motivate us through fear to succeed as the positive polarity aspect of failure. So it is interesting to consider that as negative as the word failure is defined, exactly as positive is the word success. The two words therefore go together in unison and cannot be separated from one another. It is interesting because when I look at failure from the perspective of an experiment failing, it’s not something bad. Within that, it’s merely a practical consideration of trying things out in order to get a specific result and when it doesn’t work out, one tries something else. But when it comes to the idea that “I am a failure” – it’s like it encompasses, imprisons and weighs down the totality of who I am, even if the point of failure specifically happened in only one aspect of my life. It’s interesting with the connection in the etymological origin of the word to ‘trip/cause to fall’ because I remember times in my life where I’ve fallen in public, like falling down the stairs at a train station once, and I would feel so embarrassed and like a total failure, like I was being exposed as not being in control of myself. So there is failure in the practical sense as something not working out the way it was intended and then there is failure in an almost ‘moral’ sense, where our weaknesses as human beings are exposed – which is something we’ve made into a taboo, because; within facing the weakness of others, we also face the weakness in ourselves. Based on my reflections on failure here, me being ‘a failure’ would then imply that the totality of my being was created with an intended purpose and me not meeting that purpose. Thereby I would have to know for what purpose I was created and so it would also be up to someone else (my creator) to determined whether I have failed or not, but even within that, by utilizing the example of the experiment – a failure is not a dead-end, it’s merely a fall in the process of learning how to stand/walk. So being a failure or failing in something is not the end-all-be-all of who I am. It’s merely a point of cross-reference for where I require more specification or change/amendments to be full functional and optimal.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when I see/read/hear/speak the word failure/fail/failing within and as me where I literally cringe inside myself and want to hide from the word to not become it where I can barely stand looking at the word/being with it, because I see and experience it as superior tom e

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the word failure/fail/failing because I have attached an experience of embarrassment, judgment and shame to the word where I’ve made it a taboo in my own mind, a word that is so powerful that it may not be seen or spoken or heard, because once it touches you, you are out, you are social outcast, you’re done

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that by ignoring the word failure and anything to do with the word failure, I can ignore failure itself – when in fact by doing so I was giving failure tremendous power over me and was in fact failing in many ways through trying to avoid failure, not realizing that failure simply means that something is not working out the way it was intended

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that failing is ’bad’, ’wrong’ and ’embarrassing’ and because of that have done anything I could to avoid failing, namely never moving out of my comfort zone of things I knew I was good at, into new unknown territories – thus limiting myself extensively and ironically failing myself within the purpose of expanding myself to my utmost potential

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself fear being judged as a failure by others and so separate myself from my own judgment of and fear of failing/being a failure by projecting this fear and judgment onto others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept or allow myself to make mistakes and fail, but instead believe that I MUST be perfect, I MUST be successful and that ‘failure is not an option’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that failure is indeed an option when one is moving into new unknown territories and when one is experimenting to get to an intended result – and that this is not a ‘dead-end’ but in fact merely a step on the way, just like a child doesn’t give up learning how to walk when they fall the first 10, 50 or 100 times but keeps going until they can walk

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see that I am reacting to the word failure/failing/fail I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that the word failure simply means something that is not yet aligned to its full potential or capacity or intended result and as such that if I see that I have failed or that something I’m doing is failing, it is simply a practical point of cross-reference for me that what I was doing wasn’t working optimally and that I have to do something else, change what I do. I commit myself to let go of my reactions towards the word failure/failing/fail. I commit myself to embrace the potential of failing as a temporary point of realignment required.

Redefinition of the word failure:

Something not turning out the way it was intended in order to be fully functional/optimal and/or not meeting specified requirements/results

stop creating myself as failure KellyPosey Redefining The Word: FAILURE. DAY 333“Without Failure – Self-Perfection is Impossible.

Without Failure – Birthing Harmony on Earth is Impossible.

Without Failure – Perfecting Individualization is Impossible.

Without Failure – Enlightenment Perfection is Impossible.” – Bernard Poolman

More blog-posts about fear of failure:

http://misfitsoftheshockingtruth.blogspot.com/2013/05/378-redefining-me-what-is-perfection.html

http://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/2012/12/18/247-blindly-following-our-progress/

https://aldinsjourneytolife.wordpress.com/tag/fear-of-failure/

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332

December 7, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

cathedral1920 gabriel ruhl 1024x576 If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332Why is it that, if we do not direct ourselves in awareness, we cannot actually say that we are alive?

I am here continuing from the previous blog where I opened up the point of not only being specific but also being assiduously specific, meaning where specificity is a consistent application that I apply in every moment with whatever task, project or point I am working with.

Read the previous parts here for context:

Assiduous is a new word to me, which is interesting, because it means that I have no preconceived ideas or attachments to this word. Instead I started with an application of specificity that I saw in another human being and I Googled various words until I came up with one that most accurately described the application that I’ve seen in this other person – and something that I haven’t yet developed in myself. Fascinatingly enough, investigating this word opens up many dimensions I hadn’t considered in relation to this point.

On vocabulary.com it for example says that:

“If you call someone assiduous, it’s a compliment. It means they’re careful, methodical and very persistent. Good detectives are classically assiduous types. Assiduous comes from two Latin words: assiduus, meaning “busy incessant, continual or constant,” and assidere, meaning “to sit down to” something. (Funnily enough, we also get the word sedentary, meaning someone who doesn’t move around much, a lazy couch potato, from this same last word.) Although we tend to think of sedentary types as being the very opposite of assiduous ones, many assiduous activities (like writing, thinking, or detective work) are best done sitting in a chair.“

I would like to also in this context bring in the word diligent as it is strongly related to the assiduous application that I’ve seen in the person I wrote about on day 329 and that I’ve not yet fully stood as or absolutely applied within/as myself.

This is how diligence is defined on vocabulary.com:

” Someone who is diligent works hard and carefully. If you want to write the epic history of your family, you’ll have to be very diligent in tracking down and interviewing all of your relatives. Diligent comes from the Latin diligere, which means “to value highly, take delight in,” but in English it has always meant careful and hard-working. If you’re a diligent worker, you don’t just bang away at your job; you earnestly try to do everything right. Although being lucky and talented doesn’t hurt, it’s the diligent person who eventually succeeds.”

To be directively specific in our processes and in our lives in general means to be both assiduous, as that hardworking, constant application and it also mean to be diligent as acting with care and consideration for the actions we take.

Interestingly enough, while I was writing this, an idiom also came to mind: ”taking it in stride” – which essentially means to power through problematic or unexpected situations.

All of this is what I’ve seen in the person I wrote about on day 329 and in their application of specificity. They are assiduous, diligent and they take things in stride. This is therefore the words and the expression that I will be working with here in terms of implementing them into myself, my own life and my daily application.

Interestingly enough the word assiduous has to do with being busy and constant and also the act of sitting down. The way I see it, in the context of specificity, the ‘sitting down’ aspect of the word does not so much has to do with actually sitting down, but more what ‘sitting down’ in this context represents, as a self-directed focusing where one ‘sits down’ specifically to work on a certain task, project or point, whether that is writing an email or folding a piece of clothing.

So what this made me look at is the question of who I am as I sit down in front of my computer on one hand, since that is also often where the ‘problems’ come in, in terms of not being consistent with the tasks I have to take responsibility for and then also the point of ‘being Here’ with what I do, no matter what it is.

If we look at the sounding of the word ‘assiduous’ it is interesting to note that it sounds like ass-sit-do-us and the connection I can bring in here is the directive decision to sit down and actually contribute my time, my skills, my support and myself to making a difference in this world which is essentially something that is an undercurrent for everything that I do. However – when I do not do this effectively, it is because I have counter-intuitive priorities as programs running within my mind that are based on self-interest, for example in the context of fear and resistance. If I then listen to that, I am more likely to be inconsistent and I am more likely to react to what is in front of me, therefore not directing it to the best of my abilities.

Earlier today I listened to an amazing audio recording (I don’t remember which one but was from Eqafe) with someone who suggested to have a look at why we are sometimes effective in our communication with others and why sometimes we are not. When I looked at what it is within me that is different when my communication with others is effective, expansive and supportive, I realized that it is because my mind is quiet, I am self-directive, I am stable, I am naturally here breathing, unconditionally participating and listening to the other person as well as sharing myself. If a reaction comes up, I don’t let it upset me or shake me. I simply take note of it, forgive it, investigate it and release it – so that I can ‘clear the path’ in terms of being able to communicating with someone without the mind interfering.

When my communication with another is on the other hand not effective, is precisely because I’ve accepted and allowed the mind to interfere and so direct me in the conversation, where all I am in that moment is reactions, is personalities, is memories, is programming – and so there is no self-directive awareness and instead I am fueled by self-interest.

I realize that it is no different with the application of sitting down and working on a point like writing an email. Either I am self-directed, specific, assiduous and diligent – OR I am in the mind, being directed by the mind, by the mind’s agenda, which is nothing more or less than self-preservation. There is no in between.

So this is something I hadn’t realized before; that diligence and assiduousness and so specificity is not something that just magically comes over me. I have to make a directive decision, even if that decision is a decision I have to continuously make in every moment of breath or with every key-stroke as I type – especially when/if I am still prone to allowing myself to be taken over by the mind and as act from/as the mind.

I realize that this is where the application of assiduousness and diligence starts; to direct myself in awareness in every moment. Obviously it’s something that requires practice, especially if/when we’re not used to making self-directive decisions in awareness based on principled living and so the diligence and assiduousness are supportive tools of self-direction to make sure that I consistently bring myself ‘back on track’ of self-direction and awareness.

If I then take a closer look at diligence in this context, what I see is that it is the dimension of this application that has to do with, not only being hardworking and consistent or persevering, but also to do so within a starting-point of care and consideration.

What that means is that, as I apply myself within directive awareness in every moment, I do so based on an understanding of my interconnectedness and so responsibility for all things, exactly as I described in the previous blog about the butterfly effect.

So when I for example sit down and write an email, it is not merely a point of being specific or being assiduous – but also of applying myself within care and consideration for that other person who will receive my email, for their mind, for their situation and for the larger context that we are both immersed in.

If I on the other hand write that email in a reaction, even a subtle reaction it is guaranteed to create ripple effects, ripple effects as consequences that I might not even be aware of because it happens silently within the other person – and so because I allowed myself to write in/through a reaction, I let the mind direct me instead of directing myself.

Like I said; there are only two options – either I am self-directive in awareness in/as a decision about who I am and who I am becoming (through for example taking responsibility for when I do react) OR I am being directed by the mind, which means that I essentially make myself blind and paralyzed. And instead of creating ripple effects that has the potential to contribute to a significant change in this world, I perpetuate the abuse, the diminishment of our beingness and the prevalence of the mind’s dominion over man.

Let me reiterate it again for myself and for you in case you also need to hear it one more time: There is no middle way, there is no grey areas or in betweens. Either we apply ourselves in specific, assiduous, diligent and directive awareness or we belong to the mind and so to the mind’s agenda – a mind that we have created, a mind that is not alive, a mind that only works through delusional simulations, a mind that has as its only goal to preserve itself even if it means killing all life in the process, a mind that only has as much power as we abdicate to it.

What that means is that there is no excuse for not directing myself in awareness in every moment, but this obviously doesn’t mean that simply because I see this, I am now magically going to go out and actually do this in every moment. No – in fact it means that I will push myself to transform every moment where I see and realize that I lost myself to the mind, that I abdicated myself to the mind – to moments of self-directive awareness; moment by moment, breath by breath.

In the end, there is no choice – because either I direct myself in awareness which means taking full responsibility for myself – and thereby also means knowing and understanding myself OR I don’t exist, because the mind exists for me – which is no existence at all.

That is what it means to ‘power through it’.

That is what it means to ‘take it in stride’.

That is what it means to learn to walk and so eventually to stand.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

favicon If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332 If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332favicon If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332 If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332

Assiduous Specificity and The Butterfly Effect. DAY 331

December 1, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

The Butterfly Effect by cloakofshadow 1024x768 Assiduous Specificity and The Butterfly Effect. DAY 331I am continuing here with where I left off on day 329 in regards to looking up to someone and rather than inferiorizing oneself in comparison to them, utilizing them as a mirror for the potential that one has not yet developed within oneself.

I am here specifically looking at and investigating the word ‘specificity’ or ‘being specific’. The importance of specificity is something that I learned only when I started to getting involved with Desteni. Before that I had never considered how important it is to be specific, and even in situations where I knew that I was compromising myself, another or a particular situation by not being specific I justified not applying myself in specificity. Through walking with Desteni I have come to appreciate and see the value of applying specificity, both in my daily practical life, in my support of others as well as in my own process.

So the person that I wrote about in the previous post that I have looked up to, was probably the first one who showed me how enjoyable being specific can be and how one can make one’s life and thus oneself in it more appreciated through applying specificity. Until then I had heard about the importance of being specific in relation to writing and self-forgiveness – and it was something I dreaded. I would literally fear and resist going into specificity in my writings and the way I manipulated myself into justifying that in my mind was by creating an experience of it being ‘tedious’, ‘boring’ and ‘unnecessary’ to be specific.

Since then I have learned how awesome it is when you are specific about what you do. It can be anything from writing an email to folding my laundry or having to explain something to someone. I’ve also seen the consequences that can unfold when one is not specific, when one takes shortcuts or make assumptions or slack. Through walking with Desteni and understanding the importance of specificity, I have also learned that the more responsibility we are able to take on in ourselves, in accordance with the expansion of our self-honesty and understanding of the mind and who we are in relation to it, the more important it becomes to be specific. Even seemingly ‘little things’ like the way we move our eyes or the words we use can have tremendous effects on ourselves or other people. In chaos theory, this is described as the ‘butterfly effect’ where small actions in one part of the world, like a butterfly spreading its wings, can potentially set off landslides in another part of the world. This is due to the interconnectedness of all things where, whatever we do has an impact on the whole – even if we don’t see the immediate connections. That is why it is so important to be specific in what we do.

I have been rather satisfied with the development of specificity in my process, because it is something I have been very aware of, for example in relation to not ‘cutting corners’ or taking ‘shortcuts’ when cleaning. Previously I would make justifications and for instance leave a part of my cleaning for another time or not do it properly, thinking, “It doesn’t matter if I do it properly…”. I have discovered the satisfaction and sense of completion that comes with doing things properly and making sure I direct them to the fullest of my abilities. This can then also be directly translated to who we are in process and in our relationship with the mind, because for example leaving a corner of the house dirty is an act of self-compromise, sabotage and essentially self-abuse through justification – where we don’t direct ourselves to the utmost of our abilities.

When I look at the person whom I have looked up, I see that this person has lived the word ‘specificity’ within the expression of being ‘specific’ absolutely. Living like that creates a clear, practical and enjoyable living space, where no stone is left unturned. This is again something one can then transfer to how one walks one’s process – in doing the exact same in one’s writings and assignments or when applying self-forgiveness out loud. To me, there’s nothing more comfortable than having sorted out my space, carefully placing the items in a practical way for easy access and even finding creative ways to optimize my living space. I do however find, that I have not yet lived this word absolutely – which is also why it comes up as a projected potential that I see mirrored back to me in the person I look up to. Again, it’s not about a real person, but about what I mirror back to myself through observing them.

So I see that I have started developing specificity and I see that what I haven’t yet developed in that context is an absolute decision to be specific no matter what. So now that I am looking at it, I see that it’s not actually the word ‘specificity’ that I am working with here, but in fact the word ‘assiduous’. I looked up a bunch of different words to find one that describes what I see in the person I’ve looked up to when it comes to how she applies herself in specificity that I have not yet lived myself. Assiduous means “Constant in application or attention; diligent”. What I’ve seen in her is exactly that, being relentless in her specificity, uncompromising – meaning that being specific is not something she’s practicing doing or that she only does with certain points and allows herself to be selective; no, it has become part of her natural state of being, a constant pushing herself forward to be as specific – and within that as considerate, caring and responsible – as possible. I remember one time where we were relocating a plant from a pot and she explained to me how it is a traumatic experience for the plant to be yanked out of its pot. So she assisted me with how to carefully help the plant out of the pot without it being too traumatic for it or it getting injured. Or when making sauce and being specific about the process and the ingredients or in discussing a definition of a word in an email and whether that word will have the best outcome in terms of how it will be received. She has understood and has taken responsibility for being specific because she understands how, when she acts and moves, it affects others and so herself. ‘Assiduously specific’ is therefore what I will be working with developing and integrating into myself where being specific is not something selective that I can turn off and on or something that I am merely practicing and thereby allowing myself to cut corners – but instead a decided way of living that I take responsibility for, both in my personal process as well as in my interaction with others and with the world in general.

In the next post I will work with the dimensions of why and how I haven’t lived assiduousness in relation to specificity and from there direct myself to implement practical solutions from where I can integrate this expression into myself and my life.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

Lost and Alone No More. DAY 330

November 23, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

49daydreaming dickens 1024x768 Lost and Alone No More. DAY 330This past week I’ve been fortunate enough to listen to several audio recordings where different people review their lives, the mistakes they’ve made throughout them but who also shares what they would have done differently if they had the chance to do it all over again.

In one recording titled Lost Your True Self – Life Review a woman shared her experiences with being very popular and attractive growing up and how that affected her in terms of building a ‘shell’ or a ‘mask’ as a personality that she imprisoned herself behind, only to realize years later that she had lost herself, that she had never allowed her true self to come forth.

I could definitely relate to what she shared. Growing up I had a lot of trouble getting friends. Looking back at it I see how it was actually a situation I created for myself by being overly aware or conscious about the entire ‘socializing’ thing, where it was like I was so conscious about it that I couldn’t engage in it in a natural way and instead desperately stood on the outside looking in wishing I could be part of it.

As a child I experienced having a few friends. We would play at school, I would go to their house or they would go to mine, but it was never comfortable or relaxed. I never felt like I could be myself, because I was always conscious about the importance of making friends.

I spent a lot of time by myself too and some of my favorite things to do by myself were reading, being in nature and being creative inventing or designing things in our basement where we had an entire woodshop available where I could build things. I went on long bike rides with myself or simply played in the garden.

I remember those moments as peaceful and enjoyable but at the time I didn’t value it as such. I believed that it was crucial for me to become good at making friends, having friends and being popular. And the worse I experienced myself at it, the more acutely aware I was of the entire social structure, the more awkward I became and the more difficult it was for me to actually make friends.

So the more I tried being part of other people’s world, the more I rejected my own, the more I devalued my own. Eventually I became so despearate that I would do anything to make friends. I believed that when I wasn’t good at it or if others didn’t want to be friends with me, it meant that there was something wrong with me and that I had to change. So I did.

When I started listening to music for example, my entire focus was on finding music I could listen to that others would think was cool. I didn’t give a moment’s consideration for what music I would truly enjoy listening to and I pretended that I didn’t like certain music even though I did if others said it was stupid or childish.

Eventually I actually got to a point where I had enough and where I wanted something more substantial in my life, I wanted to ‘find myself’. But instead of actually turning inward and asking myself who I am, I just tried finding new identities, new clothes and new music that stood in opposition and contrast to what I had lived before, believing that just because it was in opposition and rebellion, it was my ‘real true self’.

Throughout my childhood and teenage years I felt so alone, so isolated, so lonely and not understood by others. I felt like I had no one to talk to. Eventually when I was 19 I met what I at the time saw as my ’first true friend’. I had eventually learned to cope in social situations and had taught myself the skills necessary to ’pass as a normal human being’. Because previously I felt so alien that I literally thought I might actually be an alien. I saw everyone else being so comfortable and natural around each other and I just couldn’t do that, because my focus was on the very structure of the friendships and social situations themselves. I overanalyzed everything.

So when I finally learned how to act around other people it was a very strategic process of observing people and see how they act around each other, which characters and personalities people like to be around and how to be timed in when to say what.

During the next ten years I slowly but surely got more and more friends and I found myself finally able to be comfortable and natural in social situations to the point where I eventually got involved in a group of friends – something that I had never previously been able to do. I was overjoyed.

But it wasn’t real. I never found peace, no matter how many friends I gained or how popular I felt. I continued to compromise myself and do things that wasn’t true to me, I felt lost.

When I found Desteni I started working with these points, with my loneliness, with my desire to have friends, to belong in a group, with my fear of being alone – and most importantly I started working on my relationship with myself.

When I realized how extensively I had betrayed and compromised myself over the years, I cried – and I forgave myself. I started to develop a real relationship with myself and slowly but surely rebuild the integrity that I’d never really given myself the chance to live.

Being comfortable with myself is something I could have only hoped for in the past. I never even really knew what it meant to be comfortable with myself or to be with other people without pretending that I was someone that I was not. With Desteni I finally began being able to do so, as I walked through all the masks that I had created throughout my life. This continues to be a process, but everything I face myself in relation to friends or social relationships I have the tools to support myself to change. I have realized that I don’t have to be uncomfortable around others. I don’t have to push them away.

I started to embrace others and allow myself to get to know them, even people I would have never thought I’d have anything in common with, even people that I resisted or experienced dislike towards. And suddenly, for the first time in my life, other people started opening up to me, I started to get to know them for real, not just in the mundane and superficial social relationships that we’re so used to, but as real life beings with a world inside of them, with skills and expressions that were unique and different from everyone else.

This is something I would have not discovered without Desteni and without the daily support of the amazing audio recordings from Eqafe. If I could gift this to everyone I would. Throughout my life I’ve come to take the uncomfortability, the superficiality, the fakeness for granted. I’ve accepted it as normal to never really connect with anyone, let alone myself. I never knew that it was possible to be comfortable and at ease with yourself, to live without a constant yearning desire to be part of a group, but to instead engage with others unconditionally and in equality. But it is. And if I can do it, so can you. You don’t have to be lost and alone. You don’t have to fake your way through life to make friends. You can be here and Live and be comfortable, not only with yourself but with others to. You can get to know them as you’re getting to know yourself and we can finally open ourselves to each other and to ourselves without having to be afraid or feel desperate to connect. Because we realize that we’re already here, we’re already one, we’re already equal. We simply have to start live it and be it until it becomes the truth of who we are.

Other interviews relevant in relation to the points I’ve been talking about here

Why Do I Feel Left Out?

Waiting for Life to Happen – Reptilians – Part 346

Surrounded by Loved Ones – Yet Still Being Alone – Life Review

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

What Who You Look Up to Says about You. DAY 329

November 20, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

eye looking up 1024x680 What Who You Look Up to Says about You. DAY 329Why do we look up to certain people? What is it about this person that makes us look up to them? What does it imply to ‘look up’ to someone and what are the consequences of us placing others on pedestals in our minds?

In this post I will begin exploring the point of looking up to someone in my world and what that means when looking at the deeper dimensions involved in my relationship with myself.

This point opened up because I came across this amazing recording recommended to me by my partner. In the recording which can be accessed exclusively from the Eqafe website, they talk about how we have a tendency to either look up or down to people. I’m glad I listened to the recording when I did because it is obviously something that I’ve faced many times in my life, but until I listend to the recording, I had simply taken it for granted. That’s why I’m such a big fan of Eqafe as a self-development website unlike any other, because on a daily basis I can go and browse the database and find spot-on material about anything I might be facing in my life or even find recordings that bring up things within me I had never before considered. So as I was listening to the recording while driving, I couldn’t help to look at certain people in my life that I have either looked up to or looked down upon. One person in particular stood out to me. If you’re interested in doing the practical exercise suggested in the recording that I’ll be working with for myself in this blog, you can get access to the recording through this link: Crick in Your Neck – Reptilians – Part 340

What I find interesting when looking at exploring this point is that when I was about to write about the person whom I look up to, I feel almost excited about writing/speaking about them and how I see them, like the way I see them somehow rubs off on me. More about how that’s actually entirely in reverse later.

There’s definitely an element of ‘awe’ and ‘infatuation’ in my experience towards this person and I also realize that while I don’t look up to a lot of people, the people I do look up to tend to have the same/similar qualities in common. This person however has in a way become an ‘icon’ in my mind, much like one would look up to a public figure like Jesus or Mother Theresa. It is interesting because this is a person that I know and that I communicate with and I see how me seeing them with this ‘awe’ has had consequences for my interaction with them. For example; I’m hesitant towards reaching out to them or contacting them because I don’t want to impose on them and I want them to respect me. Also, when something rather tragic happened in this person’s life, I had trouble reaching out and showing my care for them, exactly because I’ve placed them on a pedestal in my mind, almost like they’re not even human.

So this person that I look up to is a woman and what I have seen that is interesting in relation to the question of why I look up to her so much more than other people, is that she, to me in many ways represent the potential of who/what I can become. So I see many similarities between her and myself but where she has developed certain expressions and skills that I have yet to develop in myself.

First of all, I see her as very comfortable with herself. She is very comfortable with her body. When she moves and does things, it’s very precise. If I were to compare her to an inanimate object she would be like a sharp, flexible sword.

She is probably the most assertive and self-confident person I’ve ever met. She is a very practical and specific person. She can explain the most complicated points in a simplified way. She is fearless and while she exudes respect, she is also very playful and fun. She is relentless and does not compromise. She pushes herself to an absolute extent. In a way you could say that she’s the embodiment of everything I would want to be and become. What is also interesting is that I know that she’s not always been this way. I know that she’s walked a process to become who she is today.

When I look at the extent to which I look up to this woman and how I would want to emulate what I see in her, I also see a risk of trying to become something that I am not.

What this means is that if I only look up to this woman and then try to become exactly like her, I would fail because who she is and how she expresses herself is her unique expression. Obviously there can be similarities between people’s expressions and skills, but I see that it is important for me to take the inspiration that I see from her and look at how I can develop that for/within myself in such a way that I develop my own unique potential and expression. As I mentioned, there’s a reason why it is this particular woman I look up to, because I see many similarities between us, where, what she lives is like an amplified and absolute version of what I would like to develop in myself.

The thing is that this woman at the moment is not even a real person. The description of a person that I am working with here is actually a symbolic representation of attributes and aspects of myself that I see as a potential, but that I have not yet lived. What I’ve then gone and done in my mind is that I’ve projected it onto this real woman in my life because she is similar to me in many ways, but instead of immediately looking at the projection as a practical point of self-support, like a mirror in which I can see how I can develop myself, I placed her on a pedestal, I made it about ‘her’ and as such I separated myself from the particular and specific qualities that I see in her and that I haven’t yet developed in myself.

So what I will be doing here is that I’ll be taking the ‘attributes’ that I’ve seen in this woman and I will relate them back to myself and my own life – in terms of asking myself the obvious question: but why am I not living that? And even more importantly: how can I implement this skill or this expression into myself and into my own life?

So these are the words as qualities/skills/expressions that I’ll be working with in terms of investigating and redefining them for myself so that I can integrate them into my daily living application:

Specific

Practical

Fearless

Sharp

Confident

Assertive

Self-Trusting

Clear

Comfortable

Steadfast

Uncompromising

In the next post I will begin with exploring the word/expression specific/specificity as that is one of the strongest expressions and one of the first things that I noticed about the woman I’ve looked up to. I remember even telling her once that I wanted to be like her because of her specificity and so since then, it’s something that I’ve been practicing but that I’ve never explored in an absolute sense, utilizing her example as a mirror for my own potential.

Until next time, stay tuned….

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

Like a Boy… DAY 328

November 18, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

skate hard by glamorously 682x1024 Like a Boy... DAY 328Why do girls sometimes try to act like boys or impress boys? How does it feel like for a girl when the word ‘girl’ is used in a derogatory sense? Why do we deliberately use derogatory labels to put each other down? How can we stop taking derogatory remarks personally where we define and limit ourselves according to them – and instead embrace ourselves as who we are?

In the last post Like A Girl… DAY 327 I talked about how I realized that I’ve taken it personally when males in particular have talked derogatory about being ‘a girl’ and how I’ve because of this tried to get rid of my ‘girlish’ aspects and instead embody a more ‘cool’ and ‘boyish’ expression. I am here going to walk a process of forgiving myself for inherently judging ‘female’ as something negative and thereby defining myself as a female as negative causing me to try to be more like a male.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I hear people talking about females in a labeling and derogatory way where especially the word ‘girl’ is associated with something that is considered ‘weak’, ‘whiny’, ‘timid’, ‘oversensitive’ and ‘nagging’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold a definition within myself of the word ‘girl’ associated with and charged with a negative energy pertaining to the words ‘weak’, ‘whiny’, ‘timid’, ‘oversensitive’ and ‘nagging’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that a girl is by definition ‘weak’, ‘whiny’, ‘timid’ and ‘oversensitive’ and ‘nagging’ because that is one of the primary ways I’ve heard the word girl being used

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define and identify myself as a girl and thereby label myself with a negative energetic attachment of judgment pertaining to the words ‘weak’, ‘whiny’, ‘timid’, ‘oversensitive’ and ‘nagging’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make generalized descriptive terms that describe how a person looks or how they can be distinguished from others, but that does not in itself say anything about their characteristics, derogatory and spiteful through which I experience myself as more than them and more than others and that I am the ‘normal one’, the ‘unmarked’ that is ‘right’ and ‘correct’ by default because I’m the one who call others out

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to spite, demean and exclude people that I don’t understand or that I feel threatened by in an attempt to assert myself over them in my mind and so feel superior and secure in myself and in my position in relation to them, when in fact I do so out of fear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make the word girl derogatory as something that is weak and ridiculed and negative and so within doing so, attempt to neutralize the potential power that I fear within females by essentially capture females in a diminished and subjugated position by labeling them within the basic definition of who they are of simply by being female, as automatically inferior and negative

I forgive myself that I, within taking it personally, especially when men and boys use the word ‘girl’ or ‘woman’ in a diminishing and derogatory way, have accepted and allowed myself to accept the premise that I as a female am inherently weak, submissive and negative and so have played into this diminishment through negative labels and thereby have captivated myself within the label itself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become ashamed and embarrassed of myself because I am a girl/female/woman within and as having taken the statements where ‘girl’ is used derogatory personally and thereby have accepted them as real and valid within me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become particularly embarrassed and ashamed of myself when or if I exhibit behavior that falls under the category of being ‘typically female’ such as not driving properly, becoming afraid or emotional

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from being a female/girl/woman subconsciously within and as judging that, and thus myself/aspects of myself as that, as negative and thereby try to be more like a man, in subsequently by default judge men/males/boys as positive as the polarity to the negative

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a specific dimension as to why males and boys/teenagers in particular deliberately seek to define/see ‘female/girl/woman’ as something negative, is so as to create a positive energetic experience within themselves where they automatically become positive by judging someone else as negative – exactly as is done in many other polarized relationships like with ‘right/wrong’, ‘religious/non-believer’, ‘meat-eater/vegan’ or ‘black/white’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to in a default state of polarity look up to boys and men as being ‘more than’ simply because they are males and correspondingly look down on females and so consequently myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an automated and physically embedded pattern of trying to impress boys and men where I try to show them that I am one of them by doing things that I’ve defined as distinctively ‘male’ such as racing in the car, not being squeamish, being tough, using sarchasm and changing my physical body appearance to appear more assertive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within separating myself from and judging the parts and aspects of me that I saw as negatively female, I separated myself from myself as a female in general – and so also from my own natural and unique expression and instead sought out to change myself, to be different, to basically not be who I am because I believed that who I am is wrong, bad, weak, inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with an experience of excitement and adrenaline rush whenever I move into the pattern of impressing males where my entire expression and demenour changes from one moment to another, where I literally move out of myself and into this ‘character’ of playing tough and cool, but where I also easily compromise my body and my sorroundings in my attempt of impressing men through being more like a man

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to generate a positive energetic experience inside myself where I feel proud and honored whenever a male compliments me along the lines of “you’re one of the boys’” or “you’re not a girly girl” where I feel like I’m being acknowledged and respected – not realizing that I was playing a part, essentially out of fear, and so it wasn’t really me that was being acknowledged but a character that I created to protect and upgrade myself from what I perceive and accept to be an inherent weak, ridiculed and inferior position

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously believe that if I act more like a boy and if I separate myself from the aspects of myself that could potentially be judged in a negative way as being female, I will be respected and I will be worthy and I will be powerful

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how the term ‘like a girl…’ is entirely factually inaccurate because girls are different, just like boys, just likes Africans or Arabs or monkeys or people with glasses and as such it is up to me to decide what being a girl is – and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, by accepting the premises of that extremely limited statement, not even describing how ‘girls’ ARE but only referring to something that is ‘LIKE a girl’ is – have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way to escape the diminishing effect of being labeled as a girl is by trying to act more like a man and getting men/boys – especially the ones who would make such statements to be impressed with me and accept me as part of them, not realizing that the statements were never real to begin with and was made out of insecurity and inferiority in trying to empower oneself through bringing others down

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I don’t have to impress anyone – I simply have to let go of the negative attachment and so the extreme limitation that I’ve placed upon the word ‘girl’ and so ‘female/woman’ and instead embrace myself as who I am, where being a female is part of who I am, it’s not bad or good, but simply a distinction – but not all I am

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I am in the vicinity of males and I see myself going into the pattern of wanting to impress them by acting male, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I don’t have to act like I’m more than I am, because what I am is not less – and so I can simply remain here, comfortable and at ease with who and what I am, without trying to act like something that I’m not.

I commit myself to embrace myself as a girl, as a female, as a woman, but not as the end-all-be-all definition of myself, but as a part of who I am that is neither negative or positive, but that has certain qualities and aspects to it that is different from the male, which again isn’t bad or good and can be equally supportive, expansive or limiting or abusive – not limited by anything but who and what I decide to be and live.

I commit myself to let go of the negative attachment I’ve created towards the word ‘girl’, ‘woman’ and ‘female and the reaction of taking it personally and feeling hurt whenever someone talks about females in a derogatory way where I thereby validate the judgment and diminishment as real and valid – not only for me, but for all females and for all males

I commit myself to let go of the resentment that I’ve created towards males for deliberately diminishing females because I now understand why they do it as it is something I’ve done myself and I see how it’s simply a really bad coping and survival strategy that we create because we haven’t yet learned to effectively deal with what goes on inside of us and so we turn on other people instead of sorting ourselves out. It’s not something that’s acceptable, but now I understand why. And so next time I hear a male saying something derogatory about females I can see if there’s an opportunity for me to show this to him and so also support him to expand himself in actually facing his own insecurity and experience of inferiority and powerlessness and instead empower himself without having to diminish others to feel better about himself

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

Like A Girl… DAY 327

November 12, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

maxresdefault 1024x576 Like A Girl... DAY 327“He hits like a girl”

“It’s probably a woman driving that car.”

“Don’t be such a girl”.

I’m sure most of us are familiar with such remarks where referring to something or someone as female, automatically becomes an insult. I grew up listening to such remarks (from males and females) and while I did react to it growing, I never realized how much it in fact impacted me. It is astounding how easily we get desensitized and used to calling each other derogatory names by hearing it over and over day in and day out – until it becomes normal and ubiquitous to for example associate being female with something that is inherently negative.

I would like to make it absolutely clear that this is not about blaming males and it is also not about taking sides in a war between females and males saying, “we’re the victims and you are the bad guys”. See even here with the expression ‘bad guys’, there is (although it’s subtle) a slight reference to a judgment based on gender where males tend to be labeled as ‘bad’. So this goes to show that we’re all equally responsible for creating such derogatory labels and accordingly defining each other and ourselves in relation to them.

Growing up I wasn’t particularly exposed to sexist behavior from males and I didn’t experience myself as being excluded or demoted because I was a female, but for a couple of singular instances. But the verbal remarks where female references are used with a negative connotation certainly left its mark on me.

The reason why I realized this is because I’ve recently been investigating a pattern that I’ve had of automatically trying to ‘act cool’ whenever I’m around males. I noticed how for example, if there would be a male driver in the car next to me at a stoplight, I’d deliberately try to accelerate a bit faster or more aggressive than I normally would, to impress him – and because “I wouldn’t want him to think that I’m a girl”. I’ve often joked about how there exists this ‘teenage boy’ inside of me, especially when it comes to driving and other typical male activities. Because I like driving fast, perhaps a bit reckless – but I’ve also noticed that there is this subtle dimension within it (and this is not just with driving) of trying to be more like a man.

This then gets amplified when I am interacting with males, especially if they are stereotypical males who embrace the same/similar demeanor of ‘playing cool’. So I noticed how my entire experience of myself would change when I am interacting with them. I would talk differently, move differently and experience this little ‘giddy up’ inside of me from where I’d then try to act cooler and impress them. I can say without a doubt that this has seldom worked and this is probably because people respond more to the resonant expression one is presenting (in this case fear, anxiety, inferiority and desperation) than the attitude one is trying to come across with.

When I looked at and investigated for myself why it is I have accepted and allowed myself to create this automated pattern of trying to impress males by attempting to present myself as ‘one of the boys’ I realized that it has to do with how I’ve defined being female as something negative. Like I said previously, even though I am aware that I did react and took it personally when someone (male or female) used ‘girl’ as a derogatory term I never realized how extensively it actually affected me. You can almost say that I, do to how I reacted to these comments laid a thin coat of very thick judgment around myself where I basically were embarrassed and ashamed about being a female, thus creating the desire to disassociate myself with the negative aspects of being a female (being weak, whiney, ‘overly sensitive’ etc.) and a desire to instead try to present myself more as ‘one of the boys’. It is essentially a pattern that goes all the way back to my childhood and that has perpetually been affecting me ever since.

What I have realized is that I’ve taken something personally that was a part of a much larger cultural and even existential conflict, a conflict betwen males and females that is perpetuated so that we can remain separated, from ourselves and from each other. And by taking it personally, by ‘playing ball’ so to speak, I accepted the premise – I participating in its continued creation and existence. I realize that the point is not for us as females to now ‘prove’ that ‘we’re as strong as the men’ or try and be like them – but instead for each of us to become and live the utmost potential of who we are as individuals, without placing labels on it in comparison to anyone else.

In the next post I will share my self-forgiveness and self-corrective process on this pattern. If you are a female who have faced this pattern I suggest that you stay tuned so that we together can let go of this debiletating labeling and stand up in our own self-expression, not trying to impress anyone or suppress ourselves, but simply be and express who we are.

Here are the other blog-posts I’ve written in relation to this point:

Who I am in Relation to MEN as Patriarchs: DAY 130

Why Women become Submissive in Discussions with Males: DAY 132

Relationship Series Introduction – Feeling Awkward around Boys: DAY 176

Awkward around Boys – The Dimensions of the Pattern: DAY 180

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

It was All In My Head. DAY 326

November 4, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

89720217546456814 bi7q82pe c scaled1000 It was All In My Head. DAY 326This is an addendum and follow-up to my previous blog-post about finding oneself wanting in an experience of stress.

So – something interesting happened: After I had discussed the point with my partner and had written out the blog-post, it was like a deflation of a contaminated point within me that had ballooned and grown to an overwhelming size. As I was discussing the point with my partner and even as I was writing the point out I was quite sure that I had to make some changes in my daily life, simply because the stress of it all was taking its toll on me and I could see that I had too many balls in the air to be able to effectively catch them all. So after I had written the blog-post, I set out to get to all the things I hadn’t gotten done and that had piled up to a high level of stress within me. As I sat down to do the things that needed to be done I was in absolute shock that it took me approximately 2 hours. In my mind I had created this mountain that I believed I had to climb and that I couldn’t possibly climb, but when I actually faced the point in practicality, it turned out to be a little pebble that I could pick up with ease and place where it needed to be. I had to laugh a little at myself, but it was also tragic in a way; because here I’ve been walking around for weeks and months building up this massive stress within me due to all the things that I had to hold inside my head in terms of giving mental focus and attention to it, when all the while, the practical execution of the things I had to do was surprisingly simple and easy.

So what I realized from all of this was that the actual ’problem’ was not in my practical reality, because my practical reality isn’t impossible for me to direct if I only prepare myself and plan my time effectively. What I realized was that the problem had been in my head all along. I realized that a significant part of the buildup of stress that I experienced was due to me postponing taking care of certain responsibilities and for each point I postponed, a new emerged requiring me to direct it, but because I already had a backlog I kept getting behind and was unable to get things ‘out of my head’ and into practical application. That’s why it all piled up! Lol – because I was piling one thing onto another inside my head.

I realized that with increasing responsibilities in various areas of my life it’s simply not enough to keep it all ‘organized’ in my head. Interestingly enough the mind simply isn’t equipped at maintaining a level of overview when dealing with a certain amount of things. I remember the days where I proudly proclaimed that I didn’t need a calendar because I had an excellent memory, only to later realize that I simply didn’t have that many things to remember on a daily and weekly basis and that now where my responsibilities had expanded, a calendar was a most welcome edition into my life.

So from all of this I have realized that the main issue is a matter of organization. I have seen previously how, when one writes things down, it clears ‘space’ inside the head. It was quite interesting to realize all of this only after I had written my emotional reactions out and removed the underlying moral judgments. This additionally made me realize how important it is to clear oneself of emotions and reactions because as long as we are reacting we’re not seeing things clearly.

Once I had ‘calmed the storm’ inside myself I could see that the problem was not at all as big as I had made it out to be in my mind and even more so; that the actual ‘problem’ was something entirely different than I had first thought where I had focused so much on my practical situation being unsustainable and me having to let go of certain responsibilities (which still is relevant) but where the actual problem that had caused my emotional reaction of feeling overwhelmed came from me trying to contain everything in my mind BUT also that I postponed causing the points to literally ‘overflow’ and causing the experience of chaos and feeling overwhelmed.

So this has been a cool and surprising point to walk through where I initially walked through highly energized experiences of feeling torn between responsibilities and literally thinking that I had to choose between them, to realizing that the actual problem was more in my head and me trying to manage things inside my head while not effectively transferring them into reality. So I have realized how important it is to actually write things down, use notes, notepads, calendars and schedules, especially once one’s life becomes busier with all kinds of little things that have to be directed on a daily basis.

I’ve realized that the very act of postponing has the effect of magnifying things and blow tasks out of proportion. Why? Because when we postpone a practical task, we keep it ‘on hold’ in our minds and through keeping it in the mind only and not directing it in reality it literally becomes a ‘mind point’ instead of the physical practical point it original was and should be, and sow it becomes more mentally magnified and warped the more we don’t deal with it on a practical level.

The lesson here is: don’t postpone. The ‘reward’ that one thinks one is getting from going “I’ll deal with this tomorrow…” actually transforms into a ‘burden’, because one is ‘burdening’ oneself in the future rather than directing a point in the moment. This is fine when it comes to one or two points that one practically has to postpone due to practical limitations. But when we’re talking about multiple things it becomes a problem because the next day new things to do will emerge and suddenly one is faced with an overwhelming amount of tasks that one cannot practically direct.

It is a much more comfortable and effective way to live to direct things immediately or within a structured manner where we don’t have to try and balance and mange our entire world inside the limited confinements of the mind.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Related blog-posts:

 

Tried and Found Myself Wanting. DAY 325

November 2, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

cwe 096 03 Tried and Found Myself Wanting. DAY 325The past few months I’ve been increasingly more stressed in relation to specific divergent responsibilities. I’ve previously been able to push through it, stop the thoughts and find practical solutions, but recently the stress of it all has started to show in my face looking tired (something others have commented on) and in me being more tired than I usually am. I’ve also experienced an increasing resistance towards taking care of certain responsibilities, though not towards the work itself but towards the entire situation. Within this I started slacking and sleeping more than usually. The more I didn’t do the things I had set out to do, the more stressed I got about it. It culminated in a conversation with my partner where I finally was able to make the connection between my experiences of resistance, my slacking in responsibilities and the stress I’ve been experiencing.

What I find fascinating is that I hadn’t made the connection. So I’ve become more and more stressed, but I’ve thought that I just had to power through it, that it was me who had to change myself and that I simply had to ‘get my shit together’ so to speak in terms of expanding myself to be able to handle everything effectively. But the more I told myself that I had to power through it, the worse it actually got and underneath it all I’ve become more and more stressed. The culprit in all of this has been that I was thinking that “Other people do so much more than me and they can handle it” and “I should be able to deal with this because I see others doing it”. Because of this I have not allowed myself to look self-honestly at my own situation and whether that is practical for me and how I can support myself to create an effective daily life. I have so focused on what I believed I should be able to handle that I suppressed my experiences of stress and the fact that the situation wasn’t working optimally.

The point has to do with having a split focus where I have two different primary responsibilities that are both equally important. I’ve instead struggled with prioritizing where, if I take care of one responsibility I’ve felt like I’m compromising another. Interestingly enough, the more I’ve experienced this struggle and have tried to fight it to find a solution, the less effective I’ve become. So I realize that I’ve been operating based on an idea that “I should be able to handle it all… because other people do”.

When I’ve then for example looked at the possibility of stepping down or doing something else, I’ve judged myself as a being a diva, someone that can’t handle the pressure. And I’ve not wanted to be like that. So I’ve kept trying to power through it without success. I see that the effect that this approach to my current situation has had is that I haven’t been able to practically look at the point for myself because I’ve been operating based on comparison to what I believe others do and thereby what I believed I should be doing.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to operate and function based on an idea and belief about what I should be able to do and what I should be able to handle, based on comparing myself with others whom I perceive and believe to be doing more than me, thereby thinking and believing that because they do it, so should I and that if I don’t, it means that something is wrong with me, that I’m lazy and spoiled

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in an idea and a belief based on comparing myself to others and what I perceive/believe that they do, about what I should be able to do/handle within myself/my life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and based on my perception of what/how much they do, believe that I should be able to do the same, when I in fact don’t know what their life looks like or what they actually do and when I haven’t actually considered my own situation independently from what others do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my experience of stress and my dissatisfaction towards my current situation because of the belief that I should be able to handle it and because of my judgment of myself as being spoiled and lazy if I can’t

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it cannot possibly be so that I can’t handle my current situation effectively, that it must be so that if I can’t handle it, that I am lazy and spoiled within using the argument that because others do it, so should I

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not look practically, commonsensically and self-honestly at my situation without comparing myself to others whereby I would have been able to determine what is best for me and so how I can be best for all within the current context

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that it is normal to be stressed and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to therefore continue to accept and allowed myself to be stressed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because others are able and capable of handling more responsibilities than me, that I also should be able to, instead of considering that our situations may be entirely different and that I have to make decisions based on my own situation and not based on a perceived standard

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must necessarily be limiting myself if I decide that I have to cut some of my responsibilities out and within that judge myself as being a failure and thereby resist changing anything because I think I should be able to handle it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to refuse to look at or investigate alternative solutions to my current situation, in for example cutting down on some of my responsibilities because I believe that I should be able to handle it all and that its not acceptable to step down, again using the argument that because others are able to handle it, I must be too

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I were to decide to cut down on some of my responsibilities, that it would necessarily mean that I am being self-dishonest and that I’m limiting myself and thereby refuse to even consider the possibility – when in fact my current experience of stress and my ineffectiveness in certain areas is indicating that there indeed is a need for me to reconsider my current situation

I forgive myself that I, instead of actually sitting myself down and asking myself what’s going on, have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself and so create resistance towards my responsibilities, resulting in my negating certain responsibilities and creating a desire to ‘escape’ and get away from it all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop up within seeing that what I am doing is not effective and that I have instead just continued doing more of the same based on the belief that I should be able to do it, I should be able to handle it – not considering that when what I’m doing is not working, then maybe I should consider doing something else, instead of constantly trying to find solutions within the same way of doing things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to do the same amount of work that others do, when in fact this is a delusion since I don’t know what others do or what their lives look like

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within comparing myself to others and how much/what I believe they do, go into competition with them in my mind and so declare myself a looser and a failure based on this comparison that has no hold in reality and that’s not even relevant since I can only measure my own effort based on being self-honest with myself in regards to my own situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel overwhelmed with all the little things that I have to do during a day where I think that I can and should be able to manage it all and hold it all in my mind in an overview, when in fact my life has changed and I now have to manage quite a few points that requires me to write things down and organize myself in a different way

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within this state of suppression and resistance, avoid certain responsibilities that I know I should have taken care of and within that compromise myself and feel guilty because I know that I am compromising myself instead of simply doing the things I have to do, but to also investigate and stop my experience of stress, suppression, resistance and self-judgment so that I can have a clear and self-honest and supportive starting-point in the things that I do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being unprepared and unready to take on certain responsibilities and because I enter into them without my full focus I feel guilty and judge myself as not being effective or professional enough

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and embarrassed that I am not fully prepared and have an overview and effective direction and organization of the things I have to do and so within this hold myself accountable within imagining myself presenting my work to others or others seeing and evaluating my work and finding it unsatisfactory or wanting

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not prepare and apply myself according to the realization that only when I am prepared and have an overview due to having worked with something enough to be able to effectively direct it, will it be satisfactory and effective – and that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to instead compromise myself by ignoring this aspect of working with a point/project well knowing that I would feel like crap walking into it because I would know that I hadn’t prepared myself effectively

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that there is a responsibility in my world that I must take care of immediately because it is eminent, where I see that I’m experiencing a conflict within having conflicting responsibilities, I stop and I breathe. I write down my responsibilities and what I have to do so as to get an overview and be able to practically decide which one is important

When and as I see that I am experiencing resistance towards taking care of a certain responsibility, I stop and I breathe. I investigate the origin-point of my experience of resistance and where it is I’ve separated myself from myself in my starting-point of taking on this responsibility.

When and as I see that I am comparing myself to others where I’m disqualifying myself through self-judgment, I stop.

I realize that I don’t know what others lives are like, I don’t know what they do or don’t do and therefore it makes no sense to compare myself to and compete with them in my mind. I realize that I can only ever measure myself within self-honesty

I realize that I have to look at my own reality and situation within common sense and self-honesty to determine what is best for me and when and how I am best for all

I realize that it is pointless to postpone or avoid things that I have to do because I only create consequences and compromise myself further

I realize that when I start resisting things, it is because I am not here with what I’m doing and that my resistance is a sign that I have to stop and have a look at who I am within what I do

I commit myself to stop comparing myself and as such compete with others and what/how much I believe they do

I commit myself to look in common sense and self-honesty at my own situation and the responsibilities that I have and accordingly prioritize in the best possible way to support myself

I commit myself to listen to my body when it shows and indicates that something is up, instead of ignoring it believing that I can and should power through it

I commit myself to stop participating in thoughts of stress and instead make clear decisions about what I can do and stick to them

I commit myself to stop and let go of the belief and Idea that I should be able to handle any and all responsibilities and that if I don’t it means that I am lazy and a failure

I commit myself to care for and be specific within the responsibilities that I take on so that I can ensure that I am prepared and effective in what I do

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Walking From Resistance To Self-Creation. DAY 324

October 28, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

self actualization 211 1024x735 Walking From Resistance To Self Creation. DAY 324Why do we do the things we do? How come there are certain things that we know we should do but that we just don’t want to or feel like doing? Why is it that we have no problem keeping up with certain responsibilities while with others we have to drag and pull and push ourselves every time? For some people it’s the dishes, for others it’s homework and assignments and for others again it might be things like shopping or even going to work.

As I investigated this point for myself and asked myself why I had no problem keeping up with certain responsibilities whereas I had massive resistance towards others, I realized something interesting: it all depended on my starting-point within how I saw, defined and experienced each responsibility within me.

So for example: with regards to going to work, it’s something that I have to do, there’s no choice and even if I have resistance to go to work, there’s not really any negotiation possible, so therefore it is fairly easy to push through. Moreover; because I have created myself within my work to a large extent, it is something I enjoy as well. What I mean is that with the work I have now, I had no preconceptions or expectations towards it. I got the job rather randomly and have since worked on creating myself within my work as an effective teacher, which has created a surprising environment for me to work in, because it to a large extent is created by myself. I therefore experience very few doubts, fears or reactions towards it or why I am doing it – because I created it, or rather I created myself in it and I am aware that I am still creating myself in it and therefore its something I enjoy and am passionate about. In other words, I had little to no definitions or beliefs about myself in this kind of work before I started and therefore I could walk into it with a relatively clean slate, which gave me the opportunity to then decide who I was going to be within it. Ideally that’s why we would want with any job, any project and any situation we walk into – so that it’s not defined by preconceived ideas and judgments, but that we can walk into it unconditionally and from there decide who we are going to be within it based on the principles that we’ve decided to live according to in our lives.

If we then take a different example that I’d been experiencing resistance towards doing as writing my blogs for example, I couldn’t understand why I was resisting it. I usually enjoy writing my blogs and it’s not something that takes a lot of pushing for me to do. But suddenly I was experiencing resistance towards doing it, not massively, but enough so that I would follow the thoughts through which I gave myself excuses and justifications not to write.

So I discussed the point with my partner and I realized that I had triggered a reaction towards writing as something that I did for something/someone else, as an obligation that I had to do. Basically I had moralized the point of writing within me and I had separated the point of writing from myself. It was no longer something that I was doing for me within/as a part of my self-creation process. I also realized that the ’problem’ was not that I had to do it, because as I have explained there are other responsibilities/tasks that I also have to do, which I had no problems doing. The problem was that I wasn’t doing it for me. I wasn’t doing it from a clear starting-point of a decision within me as to why it is I am sitting myself down to write on a daily or weekly basis.

What this assisted me to see is that, when my starting-point is not clear in terms of making a decision about why I do the things I do, I am no longer walking a self-creation process. Instead I am following belief-systems, moral judgments, ideas, projections and preconceived definitions through which I am separating myself from myself as the starting-point of my creation.

When we follow constructs such as beliefs, ideas and judgments, we may experience positive feelings and negative emotions depending on what beliefs, ideas or judgments we told towards the things we do. Within that we might experience fluctuations in energy causing us to be inconsistent with our application, or we might move automatically without much direction in awareness, because the belief, idea or judgment has already defined for us who we are within a certain action. As such, we will see, experience and direct ourselves and our reality according to set belief, idea or judgment. So if I for example have a moral judgment about writing, that “it’s something that I should do, because it makes me a good person” or “It’s something I must do because otherwise others might see me as lazy” – that will be my starting-point of ‘who I am’ within writing and obviously my writing will be accordingly; I am not here in/with my writing, because I am no longer doing it for me. I am doing it FOR an idea, FOR a belief, FOR a moral judgment, FOR a projection of who I believe I should be.

So when I was speaking to my partner about all of this, an interesting thing happened. In that moment I had a look at who I had been in relation to my writings and how I had started seeing it as an obligation I had towards others (which as I mentioned, was really an obligation towards a belief/idea/judgment) and I decided to redefine and change my relationship to writing.

I looked at how writing is that moment where I sit down with myself and investigate myself or reflect on a point that has come up during my day. It is one of the only moments where I get to spend time with and gift time and attention to myself. Being able to sit down and write and clear one’s head is a gift that I am immensely grateful for. Writing myself out has been and continues to be one of the cornerstones in my self-creation process. I can literally sit down just with my computer or with a notepad and I can map out how I created a certain reaction, I can investigate it in detail and specificity for myself, I can push myself to be self-honest in relation to seeing my responsibility in creating a conflict or a consequence involving other people – and I can forgive myself. I can let go of my reaction; I can come to understand myself in moments of feeling lost and confused. I can start by seeing events very limited to seeing how something unfolded multidimensionally and from there make a decision to change and correct myself. So writing is really a precious time where I sit down with myself, where I create myself through clearing the fog of the mind and establishing a new directive for who I am going to be and how I am going to handle situations differently the next time I am faced with similar situations.

And so as I sat there and I spoke all of this and I looked at how I can sit myself down with a cup of coffee and unconditionally give myself that moment to share myself with myself as well as with others as I do now, my entire experience towards writing changed. I not only no longer experienced resistance towards writing, but I actually couldn’t wait to sit down with myself and gift myself that moment of writing myself out.

However, it wasn’t a point of changing my perspective on something from being negative to positive. It was a decision to change who I was in relation to the decision to sit down and write. Writing is something that I do for me first and foremost. It is my gift and responsibility to myself that I have decided to do because I see, realize and understand how supportive and beneficial it is. Writing is also a place where I share myself with others as I do now, not to create an experience of myself, but because I know how supportive it can be to read the self-support and realizations shared by others. And if I can write this and share this and you can be supported by it, that is a gift too; and we’re all better off because of it. Then perhaps you don’t have to go through what I’ve been through and maybe that will give you the space to focus on something more important and relevant than avoiding something simply because you’ve created ideas about why you’re doing it in separation from yourself.

When we experience resistance, when we slack or postpone or procrastinate, it is because we’re not clear about who we are in relation to what we do. It is because we are accepting and allowing the mind to interfere and define our actions for us instead of us directing and deciding who we are for ourselves. We don’t have to live according to beliefs or ideas or judgments and when you look at it; when we do, we’re not living HERE in the real world. Instead we’re living in a simulated version of reality that we’ve created in our minds where we make decisions based on fears or desires or beliefs that are not created from a clear decision about who we are – and the world we accordingly create will be a world consisting of fears, desires, beliefs and ideas. That is not a world I want to live in.

So – with everything we do, it is important to look at why we are doing it. Especially if we’ve stepped out of (or not yet into) the self-creation process where everything we do starts with a clear decision of who we are – where we investigate and forgive and let go of any preconceptions we may have, so that we can start fresh, and from a principled living perspective change and create ourselves.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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