Ressurecting The Emotional Zombie: DAY 207

In this post I am commencing with self-forgiveness on the points I mentioned in the previous two pos

Resisting Things We Know are Good for Us – Why Do We Do it? DAY 206

In this post I am continuing to look at my relationship towards/with the dimension of negativity/bei

Where Does Following Your Heart As a Compass Lead You? DAY 205

In this post we will again visit with ‘negativity’ and unfold my relationship to this manifested

 

Ressurecting The Emotional Zombie: DAY 207

May 25, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

femme arbre by monstror Ressurecting The Emotional Zombie: DAY 207In this post I am commencing with self-forgiveness on the points I mentioned in the previous two posts, which I specified from negativity to a particular relationship that I’ve developed towards resisting things that I know are good for me. As I have been writing these blogs I have noticed how extensively resistance has become a directive that I live by and through that have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my process of change. I see how through resistance I am literally standing in my own way, like placing a mental and energetic wall between myself and the movement to change. I see how I have brainwashed myself to trust my feelings and emotions and especially the experience of resistance. I have proven to myself before that the only way through resistance is to walk through it. Yet I still experience resistance to many things in my life that I know are good for me I am therefore pushing myself here to lay out this pattern and take responsibility for it as myself instead of blaming it on emotions, feelings, energy or the mind in general. I have come to see, realize and understand that I am nothing but a zombie, an emotional zombie. A zombie is a creature who was once alive, but who now is undead, slowing rotting away and I am my own cure.

This is in continuation to:

SELF-FORGIVENESS

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do things that I know are good for me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because I know that I am compromising something that is good for me, accept and allow myself to sabotage myself, my physical body, my process to change and my participation in and contribution to this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brainwash myself and to be brainwashed and indoctrinated into believing that what matters most in this world – all that matters – is how I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely oblivious towards the fact that emotions and feelings are energetic structures of the mind and NOT the real substance of and as me as the physical. As such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard that which I know to be true, for an illusion and for a brainwashed ‘self’ that I’ve accepted as myself – as who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the self-delusion, self-deception and illusion that my emotions and feelings are my true self speaking to me/as me as directives for where I should go or how I should act – in spite of me knowing very well or at least understanding that emotions and feelings aren’t real as physically manifested facts that can be cross-referenced as real by all life and that undisputedly supports a life that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how extensively I’ve allowed myself to be brainwashed into submitting myself totally and completely to and immersing myself in emotions and feelings when I do in fact understand what emotions and feelings are, yet haven’t made the effort or decision or directive within me to stop participating in emotions and feelings but instead have allowed myself to constantly and continuously throw myself happily into any and all emotional or feeling based experience and possession

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse and justification to myself and to others that I am too weak to stop participating in emotions and feelings, that I am simply an overly emotional person and therefore I can’t help it – when the matter of fact is that I have deliberately made myself an emotional person and I have decided for myself to make emotions my directive principle and to immerse myself in them and abdicate myself to them.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to actively honor the experience of resistance through having a long time ago already decided that resistance is a good thing, it is me protecting myself, it supports me to not go into situations where I might get hurt – and so now, even though I know and understand that resistance isn’t what is best for me, I still accept and allow this new understanding and principled living decision to be override by my acceptance of resistance as a directive principle

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, define and experience resistance – the act more than the feeling – as a positive self-application of self-protection and self-care because in the past when I’ve resisted something that I didn’t want to do, I felt like I was dodging bullets and that I was – through resistance – actively preventing myself from ending up in harmful situations

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a completely unbalanced and dysfunctional relationship towards the act of saying ‘yes’ and saying ‘no’ in how I’ve created myself in such a way that I would force myself to say yes to things that I knew weren’t good for me based on an idea that I had created within me as a form of ego boost that I could set myself free by breaking all boundaries and taboos within me, while conversely saying ‘no’ to things that I actually knew would be good for me in the belief that I was protecting myself from possible harm, all the while I was most often the only one causing myself harm. And as such I see also that I applied the act of saying ‘no’ in an attempt of balance out my tendency to say ‘yes’ to things that weren’t good for me yet I completely missed the point of actual self-support, self-care and self-honesty within and as this application

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make resistance – the feeling and the act – a habitual pattern that I automatically follow because I immediately as the emotional reaction of fear and apprehension towards something or someone comes up recognizes and accepts this as real and valid instead of in that moment directing myself in alignment with my new understanding that resistance is a mental defense-mechanism of the mind that utilizes the combination of energy, imagination and thought and back chat to create a simulated ‘threat’ that is then validated because I have already accepted emotions and feelings as real and valid indicators of reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become such a slave of resistance that I don’t even have to convince myself and believe that there is a threat anymore, I simply automatically recognizes the experience as real and then because I do in fact know that it is not – I instead use backchat to lie to myself and convince myself that there won’t be any significant consequences to me resisting as well as using procrastination as a way of convincing myself that it is okay that I resist because I can do things later

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor or value the potential of myself as who and what I can be and become in directing myself to walk through resistance as I know to be the only solution, as walking through it step by step – just like I’ve walked myself into it, step by step

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not see, realize and understand ‘who’ it is that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as – through my immersing myself in and submitting myself to resistance – as nothing but a personality-system made up by some specific programmed responses that has absolutely nothing to do with living or functioning in reality – where I am not even alive, because all my focus goes to ‘protecting’ myself FROM becoming life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to birth myself to and as life – to become alive and I forgive myself that I’ve instead accepted and allowed myself to give in and give myself up to an energetic mind-possession that has no logic or reason to it as resistance that is nothing but a feeling and is not substantial in anyway whatsoever

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, understand and admit to myself that I am not in fact alive – my body is alive and breathes – but myself as the directive principle is not alive – because I’ve confined myself to be dependent upon the feedback of thoughts, emotions and feelings and have imprisoned myself to only move myself according to the reactions I experience within and as my mind, where I filter everything in my world and my reality through how I see and perceive things in my mind in thoughts and how I feel at an emotional and feeling level

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know and understand the extent of my brainwashing in/of and as the mind as the abdication and submission of myself to thoughts, backchat, emotions and feelings – when in fact I didn’t understand at all as I’ve continued to accept and allow myself to be completely run and directed by the mind constantly and continuously

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what has held me locked into the mind is my own active participation in the mind as I’ve so completely immersed myself in the mind that even when I did start realizing, seeing and understanding what the mind was and who and what I am within and as the mind, I still didn’t stop and I didn’t want to stop and I deliberately kept myself immersed in and as the mind through my direct and constant participation

In my next post I will commence with self-commitment and self-corrective statements.

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Resisting Things We Know are Good for Us – Why Do We Do it? DAY 206

May 22, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

Living In A Bubble Resisting Things We Know are Good for Us Why Do We Do it? DAY 206In this post I am continuing to look at my relationship towards/with the dimension of negativity/being negative that is refusal and resistance. As I mentioned in the previous blog-post I’ve seen how the refusal is the acting out of resistance, like when one refuses one is already at the point of justifying and validating one’s resistance, not seeing, realizing or understanding where the resistance is coming from or why it is created. Why is it for example that we resist the things that are good for us? The things in life through which we know that we can expand ourselves?

“A solid decision is like an anchor that keeps one stable in the physical, moving practically, breath by breath, in alignment to/with the responsibilities that are required to be walked within this – until it is done.” – Lindsay Craver

This is in continuation to:

Resistance is nothing but a mechanism. It doesn’t hold any profoundness and one is locked into resistance through the submission to energetic experiences as directives.

First of all, I know that the way through resistance is to DO IT ANYWAY. I’ve found this extremely supportive in the past – to for example apply the notion of doing that which I resist the most. Sometimes I’ve experimented with, throughout my day, to do that which I resist the most first and then continue as such until I reach the things that I most want to do last. This is cool. However I see that I still exist within the very point of justifying my resistance. I see how this is do to two things: one is as I mentioned the submission to energetic experiences. It is quite convenient really because one is in fact blaming the energetic experiences or holding them responsible for one not doing something. We all know the backchat of “I don’t feel like it.” Or “I’m too tired” or “I just doesn’t feel right.” I touched upon this in my last post. However the other dimension of the justification of resistance that I see, is the fact that one is existing within a conflict in oneself. Because have a look: If you know that something is in fact good for you and you then resist doing it, what does that say about you? And here I am not talking about things that society dictates is good for us, because often such things aren’t necessarily good. No – I am talking about real things, like transcending things we fear, expanding ourselves, pushing through, working with something tedious that only gives results in the end. I’ve also talked about how I see the origin of these patterns in my childhood. There weren’t expected much of me, I could pretty much do as I pleased and I was even schooled into honoring my emotions as directives. However I also see that I can’t simply blame my mother, my society, my childhood for the person that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

I am not sure if there are any profound reasons as to why one would deliberately resist doing something that one knows to be good for oneself. I’ve lived this pattern for so long that it feels kind of natural to live it out.

So let me try to answer it here:

I resist doing things that I know are good for me because I am too lazy to change.

I resist doing things that I know are good for me because I don’t like myself and because I want to punish myself and because I exist in conflict with myself.

I resist doing things that I know are good for me because of memories where I’ve associated that which is ‘good for me’ with the words ‘boring’, ‘dull’ and ‘enslaving’.

We resist doing that which is good for us, because we’ve grown up in a system where the things that are ‘good for us’ according to our parents are things we have a negative association to. An example is the child that is forced to drink cod liver oil and is told that “It’s good for you” while feeling like it wants to vomit. I remember this in fact – I didn’t understand how something that tasted that horrible could be good for me. I came to develop an innate longing and desire for always ‘breaking out of the box’ to the point of nearly refusing anything and everything that could be defined as good for me. It is kind of how ‘resistance’ exists at a societal level as ‘rebel’ groups that fight against the system tooth and nail, never realizing that they’re part of that very same system. And from a certain perspective it makes sense. The problem is that resisting something isn’t the same as directing it to change. In fact when we resist something we tie ourselves to that point, leaving it to be sorted out later or by someone else, while we go and pretend to be breaking free. I see how this is a key component in why and how I’ve justified resistance and refusal within myself.

Then there’s the laziness. This has to do with growing up in a society that holds instant gratification sacred. I virtually never learned to wait and I learned that I should do what feels good now. As a consequence I made my real potential wait for me, while I laid back in the hammock of my mind.

So what I see is required to change this pattern, is the development of inner ‘parental guidance’. Practically speaking this means applying that which I see, realize and understand in self-honesty is common sense.

I for example understand that oversleeping is due to suppression in my mind which is one of the many patterns the mind utilizes to remain dominant in the direction of me – or of the life force of and as me. I understand that the resistance I feel and experience to get up in the morning, is merely an energetic experience. If I have rested properly, there is certainly no real biological reason for me not getting up. I also understand that if I allow myself to participate in this pattern, I am actively sabotaging myself. Because I am actually making the decision to follow the mind’s agenda (which is always only it’s own survival) and consecutively NOT making the decision to change my directive living-agenda to an agenda of supporting myself to expand myself, of opening up the things I’ve suppressed so that I can release them and correct them in my life. I am then also actively making the decision to be a useless human being (to some extent or another) because I am literally wasting myself, my life, my time with sleeping when I don’t need to. As such what is required is the decision and the direction of me to change this pattern. What is also required is the understanding and patience that some patterns take time and effort to change. As such it is a fundamental change of the human nature that I’ve accepted myself as: as a lazy, self-interested, cowardice human being whose driving force in life is being high jacked by energetic experiences and desires for instant gratification through the consumerism system. I also understand that the possible reward of transcending this pattern is that I can decide when to wake up – and get up! I won’t be stressed, frustrated, irritated or angry with myself. Why? Because I am doing that which I know to be best for me. I can wake up clear, decisive, directive and grounded because I have made a decision for how I will live my life, how I will exist in relation to rest and sleep. I no longer abuse myself because of my allegiance with the mind – where I’m using the mind’s mechanics to avoid facing myself.

So this is what I find to be the final foundation of resistance specifically in how I exist within resistance today: it is about the decision to no longer be run by the mind, to no longer endorse the mind’s agenda as my own, to no longer use the mind as a scapegoat and as a justification for not facing myself.

It is really as simple as that. Stopping resistance is an integral part of stopping the mind – because resistance is like an invisible wall between who we are within the limits of our mind and our potential of what we can be and become.

So in the next post I will continue with self-forgiveness specifically on the justification of resistance manifested into and as refusal specifically of doing things that I know are good for me.

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Where Does Following Your Heart As a Compass Lead You? DAY 205

May 19, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

follow your h e a r t by plastickheart d2yjwq0 Where Does Following Your Heart As a Compass Lead You? DAY 205In this post we will again visit with ‘negativity’ and unfold my relationship to this manifested pattern of polarity. Since undertaking the first post, I have realized that there’s much to my relationship to negativity that I still have to uncover and as such I have decided to continue with this series for some blog posts to come as I open up various dimensions of my relationship with negativity. Here I will also particularly be going into and opening more up on the topic of ‘self-judgment’ because this is one of the primary negative patterns that I’ve participated within. And after listening to an awesome series on Eqafe about self-judgment, I’ve decided to make this topic part of this series. This blog post will also more specifically in Self-Forgiveness go into the point of how using one’s emotions and feelings as a ‘compass’ of direction is not the best way to live…

This is in continuation to:

 

In the last post I looked closer at my relationship with negativity as an adjective in the context of ‘saying no’. In this post I will focus on negativity as a noun according to what I opened up on DAY 203. Here’s what I wrote:

negative (n.)

late 14c., “a prohibition; absence, nonexistence; opposite,” from Old French negatif and directly from Latin negativus (see negative (adj.)). Meaning “a negative statement” is from 1560s. As a response, “I refuse, disagree, no,” from 1945. Meaning “a negative quality” is from 1640s. In mathematics, “a negative number,” from 1706. Photographic sense first recorded 1853.

Having a look at firstly the adjective – negativity is literally ‘that which denies’ or simply ‘deny’ or ‘say no’. As such a clue in investigating ‘who I am’ and ‘how I live’ AS negativity would be to investigate how I live and act in denial and saying no to myself – and to everyone else.

The noun on the other hand means ‘prohibition’, ‘nonexistence’ and ‘opposite’. I see how each of these characterizations is relevant in themselves and in fact has significant influence on how and as whom I’ve lived negativity. It is interesting because only yesterday I talked to my partner about how I’ve recently realized that I’ve been living with a vast amount of prohibitions or taboos. I found the realization astounding because when I was a teenager I made a mission out of breaking taboos. I had this idea that I would become free if I broke all the taboos in my mind. Unfortunately I was doing so by the ‘virtue’ of my ego – so that I could feel superior and as a consequence I compromised myself extensively because I created a belief that ‘breaking boundaries’ was indisputably ‘a good thing’.

So I realized that I hadn’t in fact broken or removed these prohibitions from my mind and that I still had loads of prohibitions. One in particular for example that I realized as I was writing my Danish blog is how I’ve prohibited myself to belong to a certain ‘class’ or ‘price range’ when it comes to money. I’ve literally made it a taboo for myself to have money and the feeling I’ve gotten when I’ve then ‘gone there’ – either in my mind or in the physical, was total religious shame and guilt feelings. I’ve literally made a religious dogma out of defining myself as belonging to a certain class or income group. Interestingly enough in its polarity, I’ve also struggled with additions, over-consumption and indulgence which is exactly the opposite of prohibition. And I realized that when something is prohibited, it is automatically charged with energy which makes it attractive and in consequence we then flock to the things that are us prohibited because of the very prohibition in itself.

Non-existence is another topic that I’ve had ‘issues’ with. For many years I’ve had a fear of not existing in many various ways and I can see a direct connection between this fear and the desire for attention, recognition and validation from others. So what I can see here is that for every point of existing in and as negativity, there’s the attempt to fill the gap or compensate for the apparent ‘hole’ I perceive myself as. Interesting also to note here that what is missing from the ‘hole’ to be complete as a ‘whole’ is the ‘w’ – and what does ‘w’ stand for? ‘WE’ or ‘WORLD’. So this is an interesting point in itself. With this it is also important to note that what I’m describing here as personal experiences, really are a part of the world system as a whole, meaning that the negativity that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as, is no different from what we’ve accepted as a whole at a global level and scale. The final word is ‘opposite’. This I see that I’ve lived in particular when it comes to participating in comparison, competition and self-judgment in my mind. I mean, self-judgment is in itself always about comparison, it is about something else or someone else (even ideas about oneself) being better or more than self. I’ve tried compensating for my existence as negativity in/as ‘opposite’ through various strategies – strategies of trying to fit in and be liked but also strategies of deliberately being in opposition and being against. I’ve used self-judgment extensively to suppress myself and to split myself in halves inside myself. This is also what I realized with the point of prohibition: when we prohibit something inside ourselves as taboos, we immediately create a split, like we try to ‘freeze out’ that part of ourselves by denying and ignoring it and in the process we create walls in our minds and bodies where we shield these parts of ourselves. The consequences are that we then live in secret and in hiding – even from ourselves, or rather especially from ourselves.

The strange thing about this negativity – is that I’ve chosen it for myself, at the very least after starting participating with Desteni and learning about polarities and about energy. Still, I’ve immersed myself in negativity – AS myself. It has become a habit, a comfort zone, a way of living and an easy direct way to generate constant energy for the mind to sustain itself – while keeping the body in a state of tension and suspension, like being constantly fried and electrocuted as a sacrifice for the mind to maintain its dominion over me.

Based on these previous writings, I have decided to divide the dimensions of negativity that I’ll be walking as individual parts as follows:

Refusal/Resistance

Prohibition

Absence

Non-existence

Opposition

I see how specific dimensions such as self-judgment, comparison, competition, depression and self-pity all are contextualized into and as each of these dimensions, so as I open up each dimension I will focus on looking at how I’ve lived each word as negativity in context to specific negative experiences. I will see how it goes and then accordingly write more for example about self-judgment as a separate topic.

In context to my previous blogs on ‘saying no’ I will continue here with the word/words “Refusal” and “Resistance.” Because I see that at the moment these got a particular foothold within and as me. Obviously refusal and resistance are two different words, but I see how resistance is applied or lived through refusal which is like another dimension of ‘saying no’. And since writing these blogs I’ve encountered myself in and as refusal as resistance and ‘saying no’ as something I’ve been living pr. Automation and therefore that I at this moment require writing out so as to establish a new direction within and as myself in context to living these words.

As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs on the subject, I’ve had a quite conflicted relationship between living the statements of ‘saying no’ and ‘saying yes’. Within this I’ve found that I have had a tendency to say yes to things that aren’t good for me while saying no to things that are. This is quite absurd really, and it shows how we’re living according to ‘agendas’ in our minds where it is not our own best interest that is the directive that we live by. I also see how I’ve perceived resistance as a ‘natural’ and fully acceptable ‘way out’ of things that I didn’t want to participate in based on using ‘what I feel’ as a justification. I see how this is supported by a general notion in our societies where we’ve learned that ‘If it feels wrong, don’t do it’ and ‘if it feels right, do it’. Unfortunately this is based on false premise that what we feel is self-honest and that our feelings is on our side. It is also based on the premise that feelings and what we feel IS our self-honesty and the truth of ourselves. Little do we know that what we feel as feelings and emotions comes from memories and past experiences as well as generational relationships of energy transferred to us from our parents and ancestors as well as from the culture we grow up in.

My mom grew up in a strict Christian environment without much opportunity for self-expression. As such her life became about setting herself free from this limited and constricting past. I can see how I’ve adopted a similar outlook on life. At the same time, My mom also applied this to her upbringing of me, probably not wanting to make the same mistakes she saw her parents make. So I had quite a ‘lose’ upbringing often with me taking the role of being the one that was stronger in the relationship with my mom. One particular memory that springs in mind is how I as a teenager flat out refused to participate in the daily cleaning of our house and demanded to be paid if I was to lift as much as a pinky finger. My mom agreed. I know she felt weak and perhaps scared of me and that she didn’t have the strength to go up against me. So I got it the way I wanted. So what I learned and applied was the ‘knowing’ that if there was something I didn’t feel like doing, I didn’t have to. And I’ve stuck to this premise ever since. I initially didn’t take a university degree because I was scared, but I convinced myself that it was okay because that world wasn’t for me. Instead I took an education that I knew would be easy to walk through. Basically I always avoided and refused to participate in anything where I might risk losing or becoming a failure somehow – and the result was that I created a very limited reality for myself.

Today I still live out this pattern where I find myself refusing to do things, either because of fear or laziness or both. And as I’ve mentioned in the previous posts, in this refusal there’s a positive energetic experience of feeling in control of myself – but the basic starting-point is fear and negativity. So I will here go deeper into the premise of ‘saying no’ within having a look at resistance through refusal using ‘what I feel’ as a directive within which I live and apply myself in my daily life.

So I will here apply self-forgiveness on refusal as resistance in the context of saying no based on the justification of using what I feel as a directive.

Self-forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept ‘how I feel’ within and as the participation in emotions and feelings within me as a directive that I live according to where I have justified for myself that if I don’t feel like doing something I shouldn’t do it and that if I feel like doing something I should do it.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust my feelings and emotions as a directive for how I live and move in this world without ever asking myself where these emotions and feelings come from, based on accepting and believing that emotions and feelings are ‘the true nature of me’ or ‘my self-honesty’ as has been celebrated by society as ‘intuition’ and ‘gut feelings’.

I forgive myself that I, through accepting and allowing myself to follow emotions and feelings as ‘how I feel’ as a directive, have screwed with my own sense of direction as self-honesty to the point where I have had and have no self-direction in self-honesty because I’ve allowed emotions and feelings to be my ‘compass’ of direction.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to invalidate and incapacitate my actual self-honesty through deliberately following emotions and feelings as ‘the truth of me’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how following emotions and feelings doesn’t in fact support me to do what is best for me, as I’ve proven to myself over and over – most specifically through ‘saying yes’ to things that I felt like doing and through which I created and manifested harmful and abusive consequences, not only for me but also for others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that feelings of resistance and fear are valid reasons for not saying yes to something in my world and my reality based on the premise and directive that I’ve accepted for myself of always leading myself according to and following emotions and feelings as my inner ‘compass’ in life.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to automate my relationships to resistance the point where I simply take it for granted that if I resist something it is a ‘sign’ that means that I shouldn’t do it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to convince myself and deceive myself into believing that whatever I feel is always righteous – without ever asking myself how I’ve created these feelings or emotions or why I experience that particular feeling and emotion

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the reason why I am following emotions and feelings as a directive that I live by is NOT as I have thought and justified because they represent ‘the truth of me’ but because I’ve accepted them as more than me, as more true than me and as such I’ve accepted myself as less than emotions and feelings in never ever questioning their validity or why and how I accept and allow myself to follow them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have an intrinsic right to refuse to do things that I don’t feel like doing and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to learn this from my mother, without taking my mother’s past into consideration in understanding why and how it is that my mother advocates following one’s emotions and feelings but instead through taking advantage of her disposition towards ‘doing what you feel like’ and basically exploit it in self-interest through which I eventually developed an entire living directive for myself that I automated and enslaved myself to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have an intrinsic right to do what I feel like doing and not do what I don’t feel like doing and as such based the directive upon which I move myself in this world based on emotions and feelings, never ever considering the connection between my emotions and feelings and the practical consequences of the decisions that I’ve made based on emotions and feelings

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed a society of individual and collective brainwash where emotions and feelings are elevated as an advanced way of existing ‘in tune’ with oneself and the universe at a deeper level – not seeing, realizing or understanding how emotions and feelings are part of the same mind-consciousness-system that allows us to be rational and pragmatic

I forgive myself that I’ve never accepted or allowed myself to consider how ‘listening to your heart’ and ‘follow your heart’ accurately is defined as ‘listening to the physical/my body’ and ‘follow the physical’ as the heart is a physical organ located in our bodies and not an abstractly located fantasy-organ. As such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to miss the point of following my heart for real, as my real physical heart and being that has always been right here but that I was too busy to listen to because I was completely immersed in listening to a delusional and fictional ‘source of life’ within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fail to see how emotions and feelings always has an agenda of self-interest – namely the self-interest of the mind as who and what I’ve accepted myself as – and that as such, I don’t even know ‘who’ I am within and as emotions and feelings or in following emotions and feelings as a directive, because I always just accepted them to be ‘true’ and even more true than me here in and as the physical

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I am experiencing resistance to do something or participate in something, that it is in fact me who is experiencing resistance and that this resistance is like ‘a more true’ version and voice of myself that is ‘signaling’ through the physically experienced feeling of resistance to ‘don’t go there’ – when in fact it is the emotions and feelings that are living and directing me and not me living or directing them – otherwise I would know how I created them and whether or not directing myself according to them would be best for me or not. But I don’t, I’ve just blindly followed my emotions and feelings without even considering the consequences or how the consequences are connected to me allowing myself to be directed by emotions and feelings

I will go up to here for now and will continue in the next post…

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Where Does Following Your Heart As a Compass Lead You? DAY 205

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Embracing the Unknown: DAY 204

May 15, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

have faith Embracing the Unknown: DAY 204In this post I will be walking self-corrective and self-commitment statements in relation to the pattern of using negativity as a way (or as an attempted way) to control myself, my surroundings and the possible consequences I might face in my life. I am releasing myself from this pattern so that I can stop deliberately saying no to opportunities that emerge in my world and so that I can stop fearing consequences and instead enable myself to practically and physically embrace consequences in self-trust and through self-direction move myself through whatever I may face in life.

When and as an opportunity presents itself where I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into and as an automatic resistance where I experience fear of the unknown presented by the opportunity and then want to control the outcome by saying ‘no’ just to ‘be on the safe side’ – I stop myself in that moment. I breathe through the resistance and I look at the opportunity in common sense self-honesty and asses whether or not it is something that’d be cool to participate within and as and instead of trying to control the consequences from a starting-point of fear, I commit myself to walk into consequences in developing self-trust within and as myself so that I can direct whatever may happen in self-honesty and common sense. I commit myself to stop saying ‘no’ to the unknown just because I don’t know what might happen. As such I commit myself to embrace the unknown. I see, realize and understand that I’ve missed out of opportunities that I didn’t even realize that I was missing out on just by saying no automatically in a belief that I can control the outcome through saying no, not realizing that I might be saying no to opportunities that could expand me and my life.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into and as a positive energetic experience where I feel in control through saying ‘no’ or through pushing someone or something away, I stop myself and I remind myself that I can’t in fact control consequences or outcomes by saying no and that the only reason I am saying no so automatically is because I am viewing and seeing the opportunity from a starting-point of being afraid of the consequences and as such from a starting-point of accepting myself as less-than and inferior to consequences and as such in saying ‘no’ I attempt to place myself as superior to the consequences and therefore create the illusion within and as myself that I am more than the consequences if I say no – not seeing, realizing and understanding that I’ve got absolutely no control over consequences, whether I say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to the opportunities that appear themselves, because first of all: consequences are a physically manifested determined outcome based on events that are playing out their cause, meaning that when the deed is done, the ball is rolling and the consequence is already manifested. And secondly: when I don’t even understand myself, my mind or my physical let alone the world – how can I possibly control outcomes and consequences. As such I see, realize and understand that I have been arrogant, naïve and presumptuous in believing that it is possible for me to control consequences. As such I see, realize and understand that the only way for me to become equal to the possible consequences of my actions and participation is by not fearing them first and foremost, by walking straight into them and simply direct myself within and as them in and as the moment of participation when I am facing them and then it is by getting to know myself, my mind, my physical and this world in absolute detail and specificity in and out – because only then will I be able to actually see possible consequences and take preventive measures and make decisions as well as being able to direct consequences to run their course in such a way that what comes out is what is best for all. As such I commit myself to let go of the belief that I can control outcome or consequences and the positive energetic experiences that goes with it as a polarity to the negative energetic experience of fear of consequences.

When and as I am presented with an opportunity and I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as backchat and thoughts that “I better say no, just to be on the safe side” – I stop myself right there. I flagpoint this backchat as a point where I stop myself. As such I breathe and have a look at the opportunity in common sense and self-honesty – looking at the possible consequences and outcomes within the scope of my ability to see such consequences and then I simply make a decision as I walk a process of developing self-trust that whatever might come, I will direct myself in the moment in self-honesty as what is best for all. I see, realize and understand that when I say that sentence to myself in my mind that is actually the moment where I am trying to move myself from fear and inferiority towards consequences into superiority through saying ‘no’ and that a real solution would in fact have been to stop my experience of myself in and as fear and inferiority as well as investigate why and how I’ve created a relationship towards consequences of fear – instead of trying to sort it out through creating more reactions. I see, realize and understand that it isn’t possible to ‘get a head’ of things by saying ‘no’ them beforehand because without trying something out I won’t actually know what it is. So – I commit myself to stop participating in the backchat where I’d convince myself to not participate in something just to be on the safe side and to instead simply look at the opportunity here in common sense self-honesty.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to ‘lowballing’ my own capabilities and capacities where I go into and as an experience of feeling more ‘safe’ by deliberately diminishing myself – I stop. I see, realize and understand how I have sabotaged myself through participating within and as this pattern – where I’ve believed that by expecting the worst I could get a head of things, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I was actually deliberately creating that which I feared within and as believing that then I at least knew what I had coming – which I now see, realize and understand is utterly stupid because all I’ve done is sabotage myself just so that I could feel in control – all the while I never had any actual control. So – I commit myself to stop lowballing and diminishing my own capabilities and capacities and I see, realize and understand that this is a pattern that I’ve participated extensively in to the point where it has become automated so I realize that it will take time and dedication for me to stop an step out of this pattern. I commit myself to stop trying to control outcomes and circumstances and I allow myself to try things and expand myself without knowing exactly where I’ll be going.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to deliberately not talk to people or contact them or when I want to end relationships with them because I fear that they won’t want to be in a relationship with me, where I feel better about myself because I’ve ‘dodged a bullet’ – I stop myself and I breathe and I see, realize and understand that I’ve been living from a starting-point of fear of being rejected by other human beings and I’ve created a ‘safe zone’ out of ‘leaving them before they can leave me’ just so that I didn’t have to face the anticipated ‘shock’ of possibly being left. I see, realize and understand that I’ve missed out of some cool relationships and communications where I could have expanded myself and gotten to know another human being – all because I was submitting and subjecting myself to fear of being hurt and ‘shocked’ through events that I had no control over. I see, realize and understand that since I had experiences as a child where I was caught off guard where I made mistakes that led to ‘shock’ I decided to prevent myself from experiencing this again – in blame of the people and circumstances involved for creating the experience of shock within and as me. So I commit myself to stop rejecting other people before even getting to know them and I commit myself to, if I’d like to get to know someone to simply ask them for coffee or whatever is appropriate for the situation and simply be direct with them and direct myself according to what is appropriate for the situation. I commit myself to stop submitting and subjecting myself to fear of being rejected and shocked by events I can’t control. And I commit myself to stop believing that I can prevent myself from experiencing shocks from unanticipated events – because I see, realize and understand that I don’t have control over what might happen. I see, realize and understand that I can instead direct how I respond to unexpected events in not accepting or allowing myself to react but to instead breathe and remain here and direct myself in common sense. So I commit myself to walk a process of not reacting in fear when unexpected events occur and happen and to develop stability within and as myself to remain stable even when I am presented with unexpected events.

I commit myself to stop blaming and holding others responsible as ‘the world’ or ‘life’ for my pattern of negativity in saying ‘no’ because I see, realize and understand that I within and as that have accepted and allowed myself to project my self-responsibility for how I accept and allow myself to react onto others/the world/life and within and as that I’ve inadvertently also made myself powerless and inferior to what might happen because I’ve made others responsible for my reactions. As such I commit myself to stop using spitefulness and rejection as a way to get back at those that I perceive as having hurt me and done me wrong. And instead I commit myself to develop stability within and as myself so that I can face whatever may come my way.

In the next post I will continue with the next dimensions of negativity.

 

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Embracing the Unknown: DAY 204

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Saying NO to Feel in Control of Consequence: DAY 203

May 12, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

no 884x1024 Saying NO to Feel in Control of Consequence: DAY 203In this blog post, we are going to investigate negativity/the negative further and go deeper into the two definitions of negativity that I wrote about in the previous post. In this post we are therefore specifically investigating negativity as an adjective – the adjective being that which is ‘added’ to ‘who I am’ AS negativity. In a way the adjective expresses the ‘doing of’ negativity – yet here it is in a specific context:

c.1400, “expressing denial,” from Old French negatif (13c.) and directly from Latin negativus “that which denies,” from negat-, past participle stem of negare “deny, say no” (see deny). Meaning “expressing negation” is from c.1500; that of “characterized by absence” is from 1560s. Algebraic sense is from 1670s. The electricity sense is from 1755.Negative Capability, that is when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts without any irritable reaching after fact and reason. [John Keats, letter, Dec. 21, 1817]Related: Negatively.

So negative in the context of how the word is defined here as an adjective is the action of ’saying no’ and ’denying’ – basically like ’being negative’ or ’against’ something or someone as “expressing negation.” I will therefore here be looking at how I’ve lived this aspect of negativity and I will begin by walking through a particular memory:

When I was around 15, my foster mother came home and excitedly told me that she’d gotten tickets for us to go and see a show with ‘river dancers’. I responded saying something like: “ah man, do I have to?” My foster mother very bluntly put me in my place by telling me that it was rude of me to say no to something that someone was inviting me to and that I didn’t even know what I was saying no to. What was profound about this situation making it a clear cut memory in my mind that I often thought about in the years after, weren’t that my foster mother had gotten angry at me, but how she had been absolutely right. I simply said no without having any clue what I was saying no to. And it is not because I otherwise only say no to things – on the contrary, I’ve experienced myself much more as having an issue with saying yes to things that I shouldn’t have said yes to. But I am realizing now that when I said “Yes” to things that weren’t good for me, I was implicitly saying “No” to the things that would have been good for me, without even realizing it.

Something else that is also a negative in the sense of ‘saying no’ is the experience of resistance. When we’re resisting we’re literally saying no to whatever it is that we’re resisting. And what is interesting in this context is that I’ve actually resisted walking through this point. So it is fascinating because I see the point is that I’ve resisted letting go of my ‘prerogative’ to resist things, like the ability to assist gives me (or rather me as the mind) an edge as a carte blanche in not having to face myself. So if something or someone comes to clothes I can just resist it and allow myself to not go there.

So this is what I’ll be walking self-forgiveness on in this post – my relationship to negativity as ‘saying no’ deliberately, both in the context of not knowing what I’m saying no to as well as deliberately saying no through resistance as a way of sabotaging myself to not have to face myself.

For context, I suggest reading the previous posts in this series:

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of deliberately and automatically saying no to things without even considering what I am saying no to simply out of habit and because of deliberately resisting things that I don’t know and so if I don’t know what is going to happen I’ve found it easier to say no thank to risk something that might be bad or unpleasant

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, understand or consider the opportunities that I have missed out on because of the habit and pattern that I’ve accepted within and as myself of saying no to things before even knowing what I’m saying no to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately say no to things because I believe that if I say no then I at least have some form of control of what is going to happen to me – this in stark contrast to my corresponding habit of deliberately forcing myself to say yes to things that I know aren’t good for me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel safe and in control of myself when I say no and therefore I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to say no simply because it makes me feel ‘more than’ and ‘stronger’ and as though I have a freedom to choose – while I didn’t even consider whether what I am saying no to might be something that would be cool for me to do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a comfort zone within and as being negative and saying no through deliberately always expecting the worse and within and as that also giving up on both myself, on other people and possible events before even trying and as such feel that I’m in control of myself and of the situation by getting a head of possible consequences that might be unpleasant or cause fear within me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, understand or consider how extensively I’ve limited myself, my life and my opportunities and possibilities in life, through accepting and allowing myself to participate in this pattern of ‘getting a head of things’ through deliberately rejecting them before even trying them out

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and experience that it is better for me, and that I am better of and more safe if I always ‘low ball’ my own abilities and capabilities and opportunities through which I’ve created a pattern of always expecting the worse and feeling safe and comfortable within that through the justification I’ve made in my mind that at least any possible future consequences won’t catch me off guard because I’ve already gotten a head of it and manifested the consequence deliberately for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can control consequences through predicting them and deliberately forcing them into manifestation and as such prevent consequences from happening to me because I make them happen to myself – not seeing, realizing or understanding the utter absurdity that this pattern is in how I’ve sabotaged myself deliberately just to prevent external circumstances and consequences from happening that I don’t have control over

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately end relationships with other people because I feared and expected that they would end the relationship with me – and so to prevent that from happening or rather to prevent myself from experiencing myself like shit when and as that would happen – I would instead simply leave and as such maintain an illusion of having control over myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a personality/character of superiority wherein and from which I’ve believed that I was in control of my reality when I could force consequences into manifestation before they would happen to me from outside of me – not seeing, realizing or understanding how this pattern/personality/character was based on fear of that which I can’t control and an explicit fear of being caught off guard based on memories of such incidences that I’ve held onto in my mind so as to ensure that I would never ever have to experience that again

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react strongly to be caught off guard where I experience an intense fear and shock and loss of control over myself so that I in that moment made the decision to always from now on expect the worse and basically created a ‘stance’ of resistance and negativity towards the world and my interaction within and as it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my pattern of negativity as deliberately saying no on an experience of blame and resentment towards ‘the world’ or ‘life’ within and as having experienced that it was ‘the world’s’ or ‘life’s’ fault that I was caught off guard and as such in holding ‘the world’ or ‘life’ responsible for how I experienced myself in that moment of feeling a total loss of control and really feeling betrayed by ‘life’ when all the while I was the one who created the experience of reacting to being caught off guard within myself based on having created an illusion of reality being ‘safe’ and me ‘in control’ in it – like it was my first conscious encounter with the instability of life on earth and instead of simply stabilizing myself within that, in realizing that I am and can be my own point of stability, I took that instability personally and deliberately made it even worse through prejudging/anticipating it – kind of like saying: “oh you think I’m an idiot… well now I’ll be even more of an idiot and it will be your fault because you made me an idiot.”

As such, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a conflicting relationship to that which I perceive as ‘life’ or ‘the world’ as external events that I’ve experienced as happening to me where I’ve existed in a simultaneous relationship of spite, resentment and fear towards ’life’ or ‘the world’ with the consequence of me significantly diminishing myself, my life and my possibilities in life through creating a comfort zone and illusion of control out of always expecting the worst and saying no.

In my next post I will commence with self-commitment and self-corrective statements so that I can practically release myself from this pattern and stop diminishing and limiting myself out of fear of the unknown.

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Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

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Saying NO to Feel in Control of Consequence: DAY 203

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Filling Gaps by Digging Holes – My Relationship with Myself as Negativity: DAY 203

May 8, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

105943231 1024x768 Filling Gaps by Digging Holes My Relationship with Myself as Negativity: DAY 203For the first time in a long time I don’t have anything in particular planned to write about. I have myself and a blank canvas before me. The plan was that I was going to continue writing about the relationship characters and dimensions, however in this blog I will be focusing specifically on my relationship with myself. As I sat down here with a cup of coffee and looked at what to write about, I realized that I’d made the commitment in my previous blog post to investigate my relationship to negativity. And since this is a point that I face on a daily basis, that is exactly what I will be writing about here.

I don’t quite realize when my relationship to negativity or rather myself as negativity started. It is like it has slowly progressed through the experiences I faced in life and through how I approached and handled (or didn’t handle these experiences.) Prevalent has been self-judgment, guilt, depression and self-hate. Anger is a negative emotion that I for many years suppressed and channeled into blame and punishment, of myself as well as of others. Perhaps I’ve been negative always – it makes sense in context to how we’ve as existence created this entire mess in the first place, always trying to compensate and filling gaps by digging holes.

Basically, to sum up for myself what this is all about – the fact is that I’ve accepted myself inherently and incessantly AS negativity, AS a gap, a hole, a void, lacking, not whole, not holy, wrong, dirty, bad, weird, incomplete, failing – anything that spins ‘who I am’ in a negative direction. Something fascinating that I’m just seeing now is that negativity literally means ‘lack of’. I just looked up the word ‘negative’ in an online etymological dictionary and there’s two definitions of the word, as either a noun or an adjective. That in itself is interesting considering how a noun expresses ‘who’ or ‘what’ something or someone IS while an adjective expresses something someone ‘does’.

negative (adj.) dictionary Filling Gaps by Digging Holes My Relationship with Myself as Negativity: DAY 203

c.1400, “expressing denial,” from Old French negatif (13c.) and directly from Latin negativus “that which denies,” from negat-, past participle stem of negare “deny, say no” (see deny). Meaning “expressing negation” is from c.1500; that of “characterized by absence” is from 1560s. Algebraic sense is from 1670s. The electricity sense is from 1755.Negative Capability, that is when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts without any irritable reaching after fact and reason. [John Keats, letter, Dec. 21, 1817]Related: Negatively.

negative (n.) dictionary Filling Gaps by Digging Holes My Relationship with Myself as Negativity: DAY 203

late 14c., “a prohibition; absence, nonexistence; opposite,” from Old French negatif and directly from Latin negativus (see negative (adj.)). Meaning “a negative statement” is from 1560s. As a response, “I refuse, disagree, no,” from 1945. Meaning “a negative quality” is from 1640s. In mathematics, “a negative number,” from 1706. Photographic sense first recorded 1853.

Having a look at firstly the adjective – negativity is literally ‘that which denies’ or simply ‘deny’ or ‘say no’. As such a clue in investigating ‘who I am’ and ‘how I live’ AS negativity would be to investigate how I live and act in denial and saying no to myself – and to everyone else.

The noun on the other hand means ‘prohibition’, ‘nonexistence’ and ‘opposite’. I see how each of these characterizations is relevant in themselves and in fact has significant influence on how and as whom I’ve lived negativity. It is interesting because only yesterday I talked to my partner about how I’ve recently realized that I’ve been living with a vast amount of prohibitions or taboos. I found the realization astounding because when I was a teenager I made a mission out of breaking taboos. I had this idea that I would become free if I broke all the taboos in my mind. Unfortunately I was doing so by the ‘virtue’ of my ego – so that I could feel superior and as a consequence I compromised myself extensively because I created a belief that ‘breaking boundaries’ was indisputably ‘a good thing’.

So I realized that I hadn’t in fact broken or removed these prohibitions from my mind and that I still had loads of prohibitions. One in particular for example that I realized as I was writing my Danish blog is how I’ve prohibited myself to belong to a certain ‘class’ or ‘price range’ when it comes to money. I’ve literally made it a taboo for myself to have money and the feeling I’ve gotten when I’ve then ‘gone there’ – either in my mind or in the physical, was total religious shame and guilt feelings. I’ve literally made a religious dogma out of defining myself as belonging to a certain class or income group. Interestingly enough in its polarity, I’ve also struggled with additions, over-consumption and indulgence which is exactly the opposite of prohibition. And I realized that when something is prohibited, it is automatically charged with energy which makes it attractive and in consequence we then flock to the things that are us prohibited because of the very prohibition in itself.

Non-existence is another topic that I’ve had ‘issues’ with. For many years I’ve had a fear of not existing in many various ways and I can see a direct connection between this fear and the desire for attention, recognition and validation from others. So what I can see here is that for every point of existing in and as negativity, there’s the attempt to fill the gap or compensate for the apparent ‘hole’ I perceive myself as. Interesting also to note here that what is missing from the ‘hole’ to be complete as a ‘whole’ is the ‘w’ – and what does ‘w’ stand for? ‘WE’ or ‘WORLD’. So this is an interesting point in itself. With this it is also important to note that what I’m describing here as personal experiences, really are a part of the world system as a whole, meaning that the negativity that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as, is no different from what we’ve accepted as a whole at a global level and scale. The final word is ‘opposite’. This I see that I’ve lived in particular when it comes to participating in comparison, competition and self-judgment in my mind. I mean, self-judgment is in itself always about comparison, it is about something else or someone else (even ideas about oneself) being better or more than self. I’ve tried compensating for my existence as negativity in/as ‘opposite’ through various strategies – strategies of trying to fit in and be liked but also strategies of deliberately being in opposition and being against. I’ve used self-judgment extensively to suppress myself and to split myself in halves inside myself. This is also what I realized with the point of prohibition: when we prohibit something inside ourselves as taboos, we immediately create a split, like we try to ‘freeze out’ that part of ourselves by denying and ignoring it and in the process we create walls in our minds and bodies where we shield these parts of ourselves. The consequences are that we then live in secret and in hiding – even from ourselves, or rather especially from ourselves.

The strange thing about this negativity – is that I’ve chosen it for myself, at the very least after starting participating with Desteni and learning about polarities and about energy. Still, I’ve immersed myself in negativity – AS myself. It has become a habit, a comfort zone, a way of living and an easy direct way to generate constant energy for the mind to sustain itself – while keeping the body in a state of tension and suspension, like being constantly fried and electrocuted as a sacrifice for the mind to maintain its dominion over me.

In the next post, I will commence with self-forgiveness statements on the dimensions of myself as negativity that has come up in this blog post and I will further investigate who I am as negativity and why and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to immerse myself into and as it, at the expense of myself as life, as the whole.

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Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

Filling Gaps by Digging Holes My Relationship with Myself as Negativity: DAY 203

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Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202

May 4, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

4607848392 eb8dfc2220 z1 Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202In this post I will be prescribing self-corrective and self-commitment statements on my relationship to positivity and how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my participation and application dependent upon ‘how I feel’. The point of this is so that I can walk my days and apply myself without relying on energy , so that I can establish actual consistency instead of wavering between ‘ups’ and ‘downs’.

For context, please read the previous two posts on positivity:

When and as I see and recognize that I’ve stepped into the ‘peak’ character where I suddenly feel and experience myself as being invincible and that I can suddenly do anything, I stop. I remind myself that what I am experiencing is not real because it is in fact an experience and that I’m defining myself as being able to do anything because of an experience and not because I’ve expanded myself in and as self-direction and self-expression. I stop participating in the energetic experience and I see, realize and understand that I can simply apply myself here, practically, physically and self-directively without having to energize myself. So within this – I commit myself to stop participating in positive energetic experiences and I commit myself to stop allowing myself to define the ‘peak’ experience as real, because I see, realize and understand now that it is not.

When and as I am in the ‘peak’/positive experience and I see that I don’t want to stop participating in the experience and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to make the justification to stay in the experience because I suddenly feel more capable and able than otherwise, I stop myself and I breathe and I stabilize myself here within and as my physical body. Because I now see, realize and understand that I actually am not more capable or able and that I’ve made myself believe this because I’ve made myself dependent on feeling energized to feel able and capable. So I commit myself to stop lying to myself and I commit myself to instead focus on establishing actual real capabilities and abilities that won’t simply disappear when the energy wears off.

When and as I see that I am in a ‘peak’ experience and that I want to remain on that peak because it feels like I’m finally ‘more than’ who and what I usually experience myself as, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am actually not ‘more than’ and that the only reason I experience myself as ‘more than’ is because of the pendulum experience of going up from having been down in accepting and allowing myself to be in a general experience of ‘low’ and feeling ‘less than’. So I see, realize and understand that I’ve made my definition, experience and acceptance of myself entirely dependent on energetic experiences that run their course completely independent from who I am or how I direct myself because it is like the energies have a life of their own and I am being swung by the pendulum from side to side without having any control over when I go up or down. So I commit myself to stop believing that I am suddenly more than and I also commit myself to stop conditioning myself to being dependent on energetic experiences because I see, realize and understand that this is an unstable and unsustainable way to live and if I accept and allow myself to be contingent upon energy to direct myself, I’ve got absolutely no self-direction which essentially mean that I am not the director of my own life and that energy is.

When and as I see that I’m accepted and allowing myself to participate in the belief that I can sustain my positive energetic experience, I stop. Because I now see, realize and understand that I can’t sustain this experience, I can’t control it or contain because I’ve got absolutely no control over the energy – quite the contrary: I’ve accepted and allowed the energy to be in control of me. As such I commit myself to stop the belief that I can control, contain or sustain the energy. I commit myself to stop believing that I am in control of energy and I commit myself to instead establish direction of energy through stopping participation on energy.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to believe that I’m not really in a positive experience and that “this is simply who I am, I’m awesome” I stop myself. I commit myself to become self-honest with myself as whom and what I am within my direction of and as myself. Because I see, realize and understand that I know when I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into and as a positive energetic experience. As such I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to go into denial and pretend like this is who I am, when in fact what I’m experiencing is the positive polarity of the negative polarity that I’ve accepted as my ‘natural state of mind’ which is why I in this positive experience, experience it as though I’m finally surfacing from having drowning. I see, realize and understand now that I’m not actually ‘surfacing’ – I’m merely experiencing the energy fluctuating from a low to a high. As such I see, realize and understand that actual surfacing is to stop participating in the mind, in energy and come back to this here physical reality and myself within and as the physical.

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate in the belief that it’s good to be positive I stop. Because I see, realize and understand that the positive energetic experiences can’t exist if I didn’t come from a negative energetic experience and as such the positive really comes from the negative and it isn’t really real. The high isn’t a real high when it’s contingent upon the low. I see, realize and understand that real expansion; real change is based on practical self-movement.

I commit myself to stop letting energy control me and be the directive principle of and as me. I see, realize and understand that it will take a process for me to walk through because I’ve made myself dependent upon energy. As such I commit myself to flag point and investigate and identify when and as it is that I’ve stepped into and as an energetic experience of positivity or negativity. I see that it is easier for me to identify positive energetic experiences because it is indeed ‘peak’ experiences whereas negative energetic experiences have become quite a ‘comfort zone’ or natural experience for me. As such I commit myself to also investigate negative experiences that I’ve taken for granted as ‘who I am’ because I see, realize and understand that it is from the negative experiences that I’ve accepted as ‘who I am’ that I’ve made myself want to ‘peak’ as though being positive would sort out the negative. So I commit myself to investigate who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and as my relationship to negative energetic experiences so that I can release myself from energy and establish myself here in the physical as a stable and common sensical self-directed human being.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

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Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202

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Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201

May 1, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

am 396079 4351234 395581 Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201In this post I will continue from the last post with applying self-forgiveness on positivity specifically in relation to the point of wanting to remain ‘on the high peak’ within and as feeling and believing that when I’m positive, I am ‘more able’ and when I’m negative I am ‘less able’ — something that has pretty much been governing my life and my daily participation rendering me inconsistent because my participation is largely based on whether I’m ‘on the high’ or ‘the low’. As such I’ve also limited my capabilities to be dependent on feeling positive and have thus made myself entirely dependent on energetic experiences to either move myself more or less effectively.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take note of the fact that I’ve stepped into a ‘peak’ experience of positive energy where I feel energized and feel like I can do anything and be anything and that I’ve got tons of energy and in spite of knowing that this is an energetic experience and that it is not real, I’ve gone along anyway because of the experience of myself as being ‘more than’ who and what I otherwise perceive and experience myself as

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to remain on ‘the peak’ because I experience and perceive myself as being ‘more than’ who and what I otherwise am and within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I can stay in the state of being ‘on the peak’ if I just contain it and hold onto it long enough, even though the same thing happens every time, that I eventually crash and go into neutrality and negativity only to revisit the peak again, holding onto it and crashing in a never-ending pendulum experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I can’t remain as or contain or hold onto positive experiences or experiences of being ‘on peak’ because these experiences aren’t based on an actual real living self-expression but on fluctuating and conditional energy that is unbalanced and ungrounded

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately go into denial when I access a positive experience because although I know that it is an energetic experience through which I’m causing myself to suddenly see and experience myself differently, I deceive myself into believing that it is real and that I’m somehow ‘broken through to the surface, like I’ve accomplished something and finally NOW are ME again, when what I’m experiencing is in fact an experience of superiority in feeling like I am ‘more than’ who and what I usually experience and perceive myself as which is then actually the negative side of the polarity. So it is like: “I’m finally coming through, hell no, if I’m gonna leaves THIS experience, I’m awesome, I can do anything!”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see, realize, understand and acknowledge that who I am when I am ‘on the peak’ is not in fact WHO I AM – certainly not if this experience can be changed at any moment into its total polar opposite because I wanted it so bad to be true, I wanted to be better and I wanted to be more

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that expanding my abilities and my capability, changing how I see and respect and accept myself is not about feeling good or better or more about or than myself – but about practically, physically changing myself both in terms of expanding and not accepting myself to limit myself – but to do so as an actual practical application and self-expression and not as an energetic fluctuation that can change at any moment

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that being positive, feeling positive is in fact good and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify remaining in my experience of positivity because of how I experience and see myself as being able to do more and then think to myself that: “but hey, this is good – I’m good, now I’m getting work done, I’m disciplined and can handle everything and can support everyone in the process.”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how me being positive is actually based on my acceptance and experience of myself within and as negativity where I experience myself as ‘less than’, where I’m not directing my own capabilities or abilities but am accepting and allowing myself to exist conditioned to moods and feelings and emotions and thoughts and limitations – so that when I get ‘on the peek’ is like freedom from myself where it feels like I’m free from my limited self, but it is all about a chemical imbalance in my body and mind like being on drugs

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that ‘who’ I am and experience myself as when I am positive is not actually who I am but merely an example as who I am is what is here all the time, constantly and continuously while I’m busy preoccupying myself into and as energetic experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop participating in positive energetic experiences and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop defining myself according to how I experience myself energetically and instead develop myself into and as real, physical and practical application where I decide and live who and what I am as a self-directed self-expression that is constant and continuous and that cannot be waivered or moved by any influence but is simply who I am.

In my next post I’ll commence with self-commitment and self-corrective statements.

 

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Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201

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Positivity: DAY 200

April 25, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

ups and downs course success Positivity: DAY 200In this blog post I am going to deviate a little from the relationship series and write about a specific point I’ve been facing. It has to do with positivity. See – I’ve had these roller coaster rides of going into ‘up’s’ and ‘down’s. Recently I’ve been experiencing depression and then a couple of days ago I started to levitate towards neutrality and eventually I went into positivity. Now the thing with positivity is that it feeeeeels soooo good. It is kind of like falling in love where you experience it as though the world suddenly opened itself to you and you can do anything and be anything and everything looks bright and crisp. Whatever I am faced with when I am ‘at the peak’ is like: “Man I can do this, I can take care of anything!” It reminds me of how I as a kid wanted to stay awake so bad and when I had the opportunity to stay up longer I would try to stay awake as long as I could and at first I got an adrenaline kick after I pushed the tiredness away and thought: “Hell, I can stay awake all night!” And then after some hours I would simply crash no matter how hard I tried to stay awake. And it is the same with positivity in general. It feels so good but it never last. I’ve tried. And as we’ve probably all have experienced, the higher up we go, the more hard we crash.

And something important to also consider is that it is not a solution. Because what has happened for me is that I’ve used the energy to determine how to apply myself in process – so if I’ve got low energy I’ll do less and if I’ve got more energy I’ll do more – and similarly I’ll define myself as ‘capable’ and ‘able’ when I’m ‘on the peak’ while defining myself as ‘incapable’ and ‘unable’ when I’m in the ‘down low’. The consequence of aligning oneself with energy in this way is obviously that one will be entirely inconsistent in one’s daily living – even in a day alone, because it will be the ‘up’s’ and ‘down’s’ that determine who you are in every moment. And the ‘up’s’ and ‘down’s’ are on the other hand determined by what? By preprogrammed energetic ‘laws’ within the mind that we’ve got absolutely no control or direction over or of because we’ve already submitted and subjected ourselves to the mind as an authority. As such we ‘respond’ to external inputs through filtering these through our mind-consciousness-system and then go into reactions and circle around the energetic rollercoaster while we’ve got absolutely no direction over ourselves. This is obviously not a way to live, even if we are able to ‘function’ and ‘contain’ ourselves in a somewhat civilized way.

And the worst part is that when I’m on the ‘down low’ I believe that what I’m seeing and experiencing is reality and when I’m in the positive it feels like coming up for air from having been drowning and for a moment I think and believe that I’m finally ‘above water’ but then I just can’t stay afloat and eventually I start plunging into the water again. So in my next post I will walk a process of self-forgiveness on this specific point in relation to positivity so that I can get off the roller coaster and apply myself for real – really becoming able and capable and change the points for real where I actually are not able or capable. Until then.

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Positivity: DAY 200

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For Better or Worse: DAY 199

April 22, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

1314702022881 For Better or Worse: DAY 199The reason why I started writing about relationships and making videos about relationships was because of the vast amount of points that I saw coming up in my own relationship – in particular all the characters and personalities and reactions creeping out from any nook and cranny in my mind. In many ways it is like becoming a monster or realizing that one had been occupied by an alien invasion because having gone from being a seemingly ‘civilized’ person, suddenly one is displaying one dysfunctional feature after another. And obviously we learn all of this at home, through seeing our parents and how they interact as well as seeing adults in general interrelate not to mention how we ‘perfect’ the insanity while growing up.

In most of the relationships that I’ve had so far I simply walked out when the insanity started peeking out and I never ever stayed and try to salvage the relationship. I simply switched off the ‘love button’ and happily moved onto to another adventure in the hopes that this new partner would be comprised of such a chemical composition of personality and temper that simply being with them would immediately cure any insanity or ‘hole’ I had within me. I literally believed that my only problem was simply not finding the ‘right one’ and that once I did, I would magically turn into the perfect woman – simply by being in my partner’s presence. Obviously that never worked out and I blamed my partners.

So now I am here in a relationship that is by no means perfect and I am acutely aware that I am responsible for any imperfections that my relationship may endure, because the relationship consist of me and my partner and I’m bringing everything I’ve ever been into this partnership and I am asking the partnership to deal with my insanity – because when you live with someone day in and day out for several years, at some point you just can’t keep the floodgates shut anymore and the ‘real you’ starts seeping through. And this is what has happened to me. I’ve quite successfully managed to hide myself in all my relationships – including friendships and to some extent family relationships. Because I could always just leave and move and go home to myself and be alone. Now I can’t do that anymore.

And when it is suggested by Desteni to prepare oneself absolutely before entering into an agreement – it is no joke. I wasn’t prepared – and it was not so much not being prepared to live with another or to even be faced with another’s ‘demons’. It was my own demons that I wasn’t prepared for, the demons that oddly enough only come out in relationships – even in my life alone with myself they didn’t come out. Because I had made myself ‘civilized’ and ‘functional’ through suppressing all sides of myself that I did not consider ‘good’. Or I would simply go home and hide under the covers.

To clarify: the ‘bad’ I am talking about here is for example all the little tricks we learn in relationships, emotional blackmail, self-pity, seduction, sweet-talking, blame, projection, judgment, sarcasm, parenting, policing, victimization, dependency, co-dependency, self-sabotage, addiction, justifications, lying, cheating ….. you name it. And each person has their own spin on these relationship ‘games’ that we’ve learned, each person has created their own approach to surviving in relationships with other human beings.

The difference is that I am walking this relationship as a Destonian and my partner happens to be a Destonian. As such we are walking an Agreement. The agreement is that we will walk together in sorting ourselves out. It is in no way romantic or beautiful or necessarily harmonic – and why not? Because I am not. In the context of this discussion it also doesn’t matter whether my partner is walking with Desteni or not, because I would have been confronted with my own demons either way – simply by being together with someone for that long.

The point that I am facing is that I wasn’t prepared when I entered into this relationship. As such I hadn’t established a stable foundation of walking my own process before expanding myself to walk with another and face what may come through that. A lot of things have developed already and I’ve perfected myself through walking with a partner, however the relationship ‘demon’ still rears its head – and it has many, many heads. Like I said, even in being alone I had kept these parts of myself hidden from myself through creating some fake form of civilization. Many people can probably relate to how otherwise these ‘demons’ only come out in what would appear as random moments, in traffic or when dealing with bureaucracy over the phone. It doesn’t happen very often – but in a relationship it does, because it is like one’s buttons are constantly being pushed.

So I will continue walking this process in these blogs and in the videos and I will continue focusing on the most prominent ‘demonic’ relationship experiences that I see is prohibiting me from actually embracing myself and embracing an agreement with another. I mean, I am starting here from scratch. Everything I know about being in a relationship are things that serves no purpose in a living agreement where two beings come together to support one another to become one’s full potential.

The whole point of being in a relationship was from the beginning that I thought that the other person was supposed to be like an anti-dote to the venom I believed to have inside me – but what I am realizing is that it is more like the relationship is showing me that I need to be my own anti-dote. Oddly enough the relationship is showing me that I can’t run from myself or escape the consequences of whom and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become. It is giving me the opportunity to face all parts of myself and first and foremost those parts that are not best for all life – so that I can in fact change myself and become a human being that I would want to live with and as, for the rest of my life.

I am grateful for the opportunity to face myself through an agreement with another and I would not trade the shitstorm of facing my own demons with the dull life of deception in blissful self-containment and suppression. At least the shit is in my face. That means that I can deal with it, wipe myself clean and actually give myself a fresh start.

Redefine your relationship course for the serious student. Check it out here.

FREE Interviews and E-books:

Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship 

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For Better or Worse: DAY 199

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