May 25, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this post I am commencing with self-forgiveness on the points I mentioned in the previous two posts, which I specified from negativity to a particular relationship that I’ve developed towards resisting things that I know are good for me. As I have been writing these blogs I have noticed how extensively resistance has become a directive that I live by and through that have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my process of change. I see how through resistance I am literally standing in my own way, like placing a mental and energetic wall between myself and the movement to change. I see how I have brainwashed myself to trust my feelings and emotions and especially the experience of resistance. I have proven to myself before that the only way through resistance is to walk through it. Yet I still experience resistance to many things in my life that I know are good for me I am therefore pushing myself here to lay out this pattern and take responsibility for it as myself instead of blaming it on emotions, feelings, energy or the mind in general. I have come to see, realize and understand that I am nothing but a zombie, an emotional zombie. A zombie is a creature who was once alive, but who now is undead, slowing rotting away and I am my own cure.
This is in continuation to:
- Resisting Things We Know are Good for Us – Why Do We Do it? DAY 206
- Where Does Following Your Heart As a Compass Lead You? DAY 205
- Embracing the Unknown: DAY 204
- Saying NO to Feel in Control of Consequence: DAY 203
- Filling Gaps by Digging Holes – My Relationship with Myself as Negativity: DAY 203
- Ride like Lightening, Crash like Thunder: DAY 202
- Positivity is like a Drug: DAY 201
- Positivity: DAY 200
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately not do things that I know are good for me and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, because I know that I am compromising something that is good for me, accept and allow myself to sabotage myself, my physical body, my process to change and my participation in and contribution to this world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brainwash myself and to be brainwashed and indoctrinated into believing that what matters most in this world – all that matters – is how I feel.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely oblivious towards the fact that emotions and feelings are energetic structures of the mind and NOT the real substance of and as me as the physical. As such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard that which I know to be true, for an illusion and for a brainwashed ‘self’ that I’ve accepted as myself – as who I am.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the self-delusion, self-deception and illusion that my emotions and feelings are my true self speaking to me/as me as directives for where I should go or how I should act – in spite of me knowing very well or at least understanding that emotions and feelings aren’t real as physically manifested facts that can be cross-referenced as real by all life and that undisputedly supports a life that is best for all.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how extensively I’ve allowed myself to be brainwashed into submitting myself totally and completely to and immersing myself in emotions and feelings when I do in fact understand what emotions and feelings are, yet haven’t made the effort or decision or directive within me to stop participating in emotions and feelings but instead have allowed myself to constantly and continuously throw myself happily into any and all emotional or feeling based experience and possession
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make the excuse and justification to myself and to others that I am too weak to stop participating in emotions and feelings, that I am simply an overly emotional person and therefore I can’t help it – when the matter of fact is that I have deliberately made myself an emotional person and I have decided for myself to make emotions my directive principle and to immerse myself in them and abdicate myself to them.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to actively honor the experience of resistance through having a long time ago already decided that resistance is a good thing, it is me protecting myself, it supports me to not go into situations where I might get hurt – and so now, even though I know and understand that resistance isn’t what is best for me, I still accept and allow this new understanding and principled living decision to be override by my acceptance of resistance as a directive principle
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, define and experience resistance – the act more than the feeling – as a positive self-application of self-protection and self-care because in the past when I’ve resisted something that I didn’t want to do, I felt like I was dodging bullets and that I was – through resistance – actively preventing myself from ending up in harmful situations
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a completely unbalanced and dysfunctional relationship towards the act of saying ‘yes’ and saying ‘no’ in how I’ve created myself in such a way that I would force myself to say yes to things that I knew weren’t good for me based on an idea that I had created within me as a form of ego boost that I could set myself free by breaking all boundaries and taboos within me, while conversely saying ‘no’ to things that I actually knew would be good for me in the belief that I was protecting myself from possible harm, all the while I was most often the only one causing myself harm. And as such I see also that I applied the act of saying ‘no’ in an attempt of balance out my tendency to say ‘yes’ to things that weren’t good for me yet I completely missed the point of actual self-support, self-care and self-honesty within and as this application
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make resistance – the feeling and the act – a habitual pattern that I automatically follow because I immediately as the emotional reaction of fear and apprehension towards something or someone comes up recognizes and accepts this as real and valid instead of in that moment directing myself in alignment with my new understanding that resistance is a mental defense-mechanism of the mind that utilizes the combination of energy, imagination and thought and back chat to create a simulated ‘threat’ that is then validated because I have already accepted emotions and feelings as real and valid indicators of reality
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become such a slave of resistance that I don’t even have to convince myself and believe that there is a threat anymore, I simply automatically recognizes the experience as real and then because I do in fact know that it is not – I instead use backchat to lie to myself and convince myself that there won’t be any significant consequences to me resisting as well as using procrastination as a way of convincing myself that it is okay that I resist because I can do things later
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not honor or value the potential of myself as who and what I can be and become in directing myself to walk through resistance as I know to be the only solution, as walking through it step by step – just like I’ve walked myself into it, step by step
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself not see, realize and understand ‘who’ it is that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as – through my immersing myself in and submitting myself to resistance – as nothing but a personality-system made up by some specific programmed responses that has absolutely nothing to do with living or functioning in reality – where I am not even alive, because all my focus goes to ‘protecting’ myself FROM becoming life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make the decision to birth myself to and as life – to become alive and I forgive myself that I’ve instead accepted and allowed myself to give in and give myself up to an energetic mind-possession that has no logic or reason to it as resistance that is nothing but a feeling and is not substantial in anyway whatsoever
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, understand and admit to myself that I am not in fact alive – my body is alive and breathes – but myself as the directive principle is not alive – because I’ve confined myself to be dependent upon the feedback of thoughts, emotions and feelings and have imprisoned myself to only move myself according to the reactions I experience within and as my mind, where I filter everything in my world and my reality through how I see and perceive things in my mind in thoughts and how I feel at an emotional and feeling level
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I know and understand the extent of my brainwashing in/of and as the mind as the abdication and submission of myself to thoughts, backchat, emotions and feelings – when in fact I didn’t understand at all as I’ve continued to accept and allow myself to be completely run and directed by the mind constantly and continuously
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what has held me locked into the mind is my own active participation in the mind as I’ve so completely immersed myself in the mind that even when I did start realizing, seeing and understanding what the mind was and who and what I am within and as the mind, I still didn’t stop and I didn’t want to stop and I deliberately kept myself immersed in and as the mind through my direct and constant participation
In my next post I will commence with self-commitment and self-corrective statements.
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