The ‘Battle of Words’ Character. DAY 313

Why and how is it that we come to accept abusive and consequential behavior as normal in our relatio

No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312

During the past year I have been studying for my driving license and during that process I have had

Stopping the Momentum of the Mind and Starting Principled Self-Movement. DAY 311

In the last post I began to prepare the way before me in terms of integrating and living the words

 

The ‘Battle of Words’ Character. DAY 313

August 31, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

tumblr mhz3ohFUGc1rcq9lto6 1280 632x1024 The Battle of Words Character. DAY 313Why and how is it that we come to accept abusive and consequential behavior as normal in our relationships with others? Why and how is it that we have turned discussions and disagreements that could have been solved commonsensically and practically, into battles where we wage wars with each other through our words?

Throughout my life and especially during my childhood and teenage years I lived in a culture where it was normal to have hefty discussions and arguments. I remember sitting at house-meetings at the commune where I grew up where we would have these war-like arguments that to me felt like a battle for life and death. Through my discussions and arguments with other people I built and developed what I call a ‘battle’ character, in essence to survive in the ‘war of words’. It is interesting now that I look back at it to see how I was completely consumed with fear and petrification in those moments and yet I came to accept it as completely normal to ‘battle’ each other in discussions.

When I have discussions now with my partner, I’ve found that I often enter into this ‘battle’ character and had it not been for my partner pointing out that there are other, more supportive ways to communicate, I would have continued to think and believe that ‘battling’ is normal in discussions and arguments. My partner has often said to me that I sound very angry and it has often surprised me, because I do not feel particularly angry inside. It is more a way of communicating that I have learned growing up; if you want to have any chance at surviving in the ‘war of words’ you best suit up and get your battle-gear ready.

So as we were discussing this tendency and how it reveals itself in a difference in my voice tonality and the way I carry my body, I could see how I, when there is an argument/disagreement, literally start preparing myself for ’battle’. I put on my virtual helmet and armor and I grab my virtual sword and then I start fencing my opponent through words. Previously in my life this was the standard way of having arguments and disagreements with other people, but when you’re suddenly standing in front of an opponent who is gently asking you to stop and consider your words, it becomes obvious how unnecessary it actually is to approach discussions and disagreements and arguments as ‘battles’.

I’ve spent years perfecting the ‘art of war’ as battling with my body and my words in discussions with others, but I have not until now cared for or considered what effect it had on my physical body as well as on others. I believed that it was entirely normal and necessary to be able to battle others through words and that I would risk being squashed if I didn’t – and all the while it took a great toll on my physical body that I didn’t even notice, where I didn’t realize that to battle others, I was battling and defeating myself.

So I will here walk a self-forgiveness process to lay down my armor, my shield and my sword so that I can be here and participate in discussions and disagreements from a starting-point of common sense and stability, realizing that it isn’t necessary to battle one another simply because that is how I was taught growing up by observing my environment and then integrating myself into it.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step into arguments and disagreements from a starting-point of subconsciously and unconsciously thinking and believing that I am going into battle, where I, in a matter of a few seconds equip myself with a ‘virtual armor’ through which I prepare myself to battle my opponent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a virtual armor for myself where I harden my body preparing it for battle, where I tense my muscles and place all my focus of awareness and attention in my face, eyes, mouth, head and shoulders as though in that moment I only exist in those few places in my body, sharpening them as much as I possibly can, but without actually being more physically aware or attentive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sharpen and harden my eyes and my mouth and jaw and head especially when going into arguments and disagreements so as to present myself as stoic, strong, undefeatable to my opponent, so that they may be threatened by me and back down, so as to assert my authority over them and so as to boost myself because I actually come from a starting-point of fear and petrification towards arguments and disagreements

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately change and raise my voice tonality and the volume/depth of my voice so that I can literally use my voice as a weapon through which I attempt to dominate, convince and overpower the other person, ultimately so as to not risk going into a battle and losing but rather defeating them in having them stand down before the battle has even begun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in the battle character, experience and perceive myself consciously as strong and fierce and fearless and powerful and superior, where underneath it all and within my starting-point I am shaking in my pants in fear and petrification

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel proud of myself of how I am able to carry myself in arguments and disagreements i.e. how I am able to battle other people with my words, stemming from memories of being overtly scared of entering into arguments and disagreements, avoiding them like the pest and then looking up to women whom I saw as strong and scary and fierce and then making the decision within myself to become like them within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was in arguments and disagreements as a child and teenager, where I feared my opponent, especially other women, believe that I am inferior and that there is something wrong with me, that I am weak because I fear them and having conflicts with them, and that they then are strong and superior and within this look up to the expression of being fierce, sharp and authoritative, ranging on brutal in arguments and disagreements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to believe and accept that being brutal, fierce, sharp and overpowering towards others in disagreements and arguments is positive because I judged myself for fearing and being petrified towards having disagreements and arguments with others and within that concluded that if I were to have the same expression of fierceness I would be strong – not realizing that this is not real strength or power but in fact is abusive and bullying

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel petrified and anxious towards arguments and disagreements with people whom I perceive as being stronger than me due to how they carry and express themselves in the discussion, where the subject or topic of discussion becomes entirely irrelevant because the ‘battle’ becomes about who is stronger and can evoke fear in the other and make the other pull back and stand down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to believe that arguments and disagreements is about winning over the other person and that winning is all that matters, instead of actually focus on the topic at hand and looking at what is best for all in the situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel strong, powerful, invincible and superior when another backs down or stands down in an argument where I experience myself as a winner without even considering that winning the argument or the disagreement may not in fact be based on what is best for all but on evoking fear and petrification in another, making them feel inferior, weak and start doubting themselves simply because of how I present myself as being threatening towards them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to my partner speaking calmly with a soft voice when we have arguments and disagreements because he is not following what I’ve come to believe is the ‘norm’ of an argument and a disagreement and so because he doesn’t participate in the battle that I perceive the argument and disagreement to be, I can no longer battle him to win

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist letting go of and giving up my battle character, because I fear that if I were to do that, I would automatically lose and be squashed in arguments and disagreements, revealing the fact that underneath the battle character I am actually still existing in fear and petrification – when in fact disagreements shouldn’t be about winning but about assessing what is best for all in a particular situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that battling another is the only tool I have to effectively direct an argument or disagreement to what I see is best for all/commonsensical in the moment, when in fact the manifestation of the battle itself is not best for all or commonsensical and as such by accepting and allowing myself to go into the battle character, I negate any commonsense I might have seen, I make the discussion personal, competitive, ego-based and nullify any commonsense perspective I may have seen

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, consider and accept that it is possible to have disagreements with others without having to battle one another and where, if I don’t battle the other, it doesn’t mean that I automatically loose, because a disagreement is not about winning or losing, it is about finding a common ground to make decisions together based on what is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make disagreements and arguments about me personally where I believed and experienced that if I lose the argument or disagreement it was the same as losing a part of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that whatever perspective I come into a disagreement or argument with is automatically true or righteous simply because it is my perspective, thus coming from a starting-point of self-interest, where my focus is asserting myself – instead of actually looking at what is best for all and commonsense in the discussion

Self-Corrective and Self-Commitment Statements

When I hear my partner saying something that I do not agree with and I see myself tensing up immediately within my body as an indication that I am preparing myself for battle, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have integrated a ‘battle’ character into and as myself that I have accepted to be ‘who I am’ and activate as soon as a disagreement or argument emerges in my reality and that I therefore have to stop myself at a physical level because this character functions through my physical gestures and voice tonality.

As such I also realize that I have a gift in having these physical indicators that show me that I’ve gone into the battle character, when my eyes, face, jaw, head and mouth hardens and become stiff and all my attention goes to this part of my body and when the pitch of my voice becomes sharp, harsh and I speak very fast.

I commit myself to stop accepting myself as a soldier going into battle when I am having disagreements with other people.

I commit myself to stop fearing and being petrified towards having disagreements with other people.

I realize that I do not need to battle other people with my words and gestures when I disagree with them, because there is actually not anything that is physically threatening me by someone disagreeing with me.

I commit myself to stop fearing that I will lose if I do not win the battle of words with someone whom I am in a disagreement with because I realize that a disagreement is not about who wins and who loses, as it is about what is best for all and commonsensical in the moment, which isn’t something personal.

I realize that I’ve made disagreements personal and that I have believed that I must fight for my perspective or argument, within and as taking it for granted that because it is mine, it is automatically true or righteous, instead of actually looking at the disagreement from the perspective of what is best for all, what is commonsensical and in which person’s perspective alignments can be made to align their perspective to what is best for all.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in a disagreement, discussion or argument where I see that my voice tonality is high pitches, sharp and I am speaking fast as an indication that I’ve stepped into the battle character, I stop and I breathe. I take a moment to re-stabilize myself here in my body and I change my voice tonality back to my natural level and I soften my face, head, mouth, jaw and eyes and then I look at the different perspectives again in terms of seeing what is best for all and what is commonsensical in the situation.

I realize that there is no danger in ‘loosing’ arguments or disagreements and that if there is a true danger, then it is really not so much a matter of discussing the point as it is a matter of effectively directing the situation immediately in the moment. As such I realize that with most arguments and disagreements, there is actually room to breathe, step back and reconsider one’s own and the other person/people’s perspective

I commit myself to change my starting-point and approach to arguments and disagreements from fear, petrification and battle and competition to a practical assessment about what is best for all and what is commonsense in the situation. I commit myself to be open to the fact that the perspective I share and present might not be commonsensical and as such be open to reconsider my perspective and my starting-point in the situation without fearing to lose myself/my ground. I commit myself to, when I clearly see that what I present/share is in fact commonsensical and best for all, to assist and support those whom I discuss with, to see what I see – and even if they don’t, to not take it personally but to simply look at practical solutions and possible ways that I can implement what I see is best for all.

I realize that if I approach a discussion, a disagreement or an argument from a starting-point of battling or from a starting-point of fear of conflict where I take the argument or disagreement personally, making it about me winning so that I can have a superior experience of myself, I completely negate the actual point of commonsense and what is best for all that I initially saw, which completely nullifies what I saw, because I am not acting in accordance to what is best for all or what is commonsense in my approach to solving the situation. I am not standing as an example of what I see and I am not treating another as I would like to be treated – as such I commit myself to let go of the battle character and I commit myself to practice the point of speaking and communicating commonsensically as myself here, in stability, focusing on directing the situation and the disagreement to what is best for all.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312

August 22, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

when was the last time 1024x678 No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312During the past year I have been studying for my driving license and during that process I have had the opportunity to see specific aspects of myself that only emerges when I am in situations where I have to learn something new that I do not automatically and immediately find easy to do. During the process of learning how to drive, I have come to see additional aspects of this pattern where for example that I, through this pattern have created certain ideas about myself.

When you deliberately stay away from things that do not come easy or natural and when you focus solely on the things that you are already strong at and that comes natural, it is easy to create a delusional and warped idea about yourself. So I have created the idea that I am a quick learner and that I do not have to study much to pick up on things. Through this I have become rather arrogant towards learning, not realizing how it was so easy for me because I was deliberately selecting things I knew I would be good at and avoiding those where I was not. So on the one hand I had created this arrogant and delusional idea about myself as being superior because things came easy to me – HOWEVER on the other side of that polarity was the moments in my life where I, for one reason or another had no choice but to face and learn things that didn’t immediately came easy to me. The interesting thing about driving is that it is certainly not something that I have been particularly bad at – but my reactions towards it have shown me how much I have limited myself through this pattern, because I have created a scenario where it is difficult for me to face and learn things when they don’t come easy. I simply haven’t built a ‘stamina’ and perseverance for things that doesn’t come easy immediately, as I would simply give up immediately and accept that giving up as entirely normal and valid.

With driving however, it is something that I have always wanted to learn and because of the work situation I am in and that I will be in, in the future, learning how to drive is rather imperative – and so giving up is not an option.

What has surprised me about learning how to drive as well as learning all the theory that one has to know about driving, is how it is an actual education – at least here in Sweden. I realize that I had this idea about learning how to drive that it was simply a matter of ‘going with the motions’ and that learning all the rules and regulations was more a matter of formality than something that was actually important to know. So when I started taking lessons, both privately and at a driving school, I was surprised how long it took to learn and how much was involved, from hand-eye coordination, to knowing all the traffic rules. It has felt as though I was not moving forward because I kept making mistakes and saw that my progress was slower than I wanted it to be. I have gained a profound respect for the traffic- and road-system because I have started to see how logically it is built to secure everyone’s safety when driving in traffic, but also how immature I have been towards driving and being in traffic in general.

Without consciously thinking about it, I expected that learning to drive would be quick and easy – and now that I am doing it, I am realizing how much is involved in that physical process and that it requires me to be patient, humble and take the educational process seriously. It has shown me how important it is to grasp and embrace an educational process in such a way that one supports oneself to learn in the best way possible. I have also realized as I mentioned previously, how arrogant I have been towards learning new things and how this has affected the way I approach learning. Where I stand at the moment, there is no going back; I AM going to learn how to drive. I now stand before the last tests which will determine whether I get my license or not and I realize that I haven’t given it my all, exactly because of this pattern of expecting things to come easy to me on one hand and on the other tend to give up when they don’t. I passed the driving test which was really cool and a cool confirmation of the fact that I have actually learned how to drive, but I didn’t pass the theory test on the first try, which indicates that I didn’t study enough – and I expected myself to pass anyway.

I watched a video the other day where a guy talked about his experience with learning how to drive. One of the things he said was that he had never been a very quick learner, but that he would persevere because he never gave up on himself. I see how I have created and accepted myself within and as this pattern to be the opposite, where I’ve expected myself to easily learn things and thereby gave up on myself just as easily when I didn’t.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be arrogant towards learning new things, because I had created a delusional definition of myself as always being good at new things and learning new things – because I deliberately avoiding doing and learning things that didn’t automatically come easy to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide my insecurity, inferiority and fear of learning new things behind an arrogance and superiority towards things that came easy to me, where I created an idea and belief about myself of being superior because I suppressed and avoided anything within which I might feel inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into an experience of superiority of being really good at things, as an inflated idea of myself as ego, that was in fact based on avoiding anything and everything that I wasn’t immediately good at

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, through creating this inflated idea about myself, have created the consequence that I deflate as soon as I am faced with any situation where what I am learning isn’t immediately easy, causing me to be extremely sensitive to anything that doesn’t come easy, where I would immediately go into reactions of blame, self-blame, judgment, self-judgment, self-pity, inferiority, fear and give up on myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and feel that it is embarrassing when I don’t learn something immediately or understand it immediately, based on having created an expectation towards and a belief about myself that I am a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a complete and utter failure when I don’t understand or learn something immediately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry with myself and others and to blame myself and others as well as my external environment when I don’t immediately pick something up and learn and understand it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern where I immediately give up and give up on myself when what I am learning doesn’t come easy to me, because I have created an expectation to myself of being able to learn things easy and because I have never taught myself or learned how to face and walk through learning something that isn’t easy
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a definition of myself of being ‘more than’ and superior when things come easy to me and a definition of myself of being ‘less than’ and inferior when things doesn’t come easy to me, instead of approaching the point of learning something new practically, in realizing that there are certain predispositions causing me to learn more or less quickly, but that this in no way reflects on who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when things do not come immediately easy to me, it simply means that I require studying more, practicing more, integrating the new skill more and that this is not a ‘bad’ or ‘embarrassing’ thing that implies that I am a failure, but simply a practical understanding of what it means to learn something new that I haven’t done before

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be humble, patient and practical when it comes to learning new things because I have created the delusional belief that things should just come easy to me immediately without me having to put any effort into actually learning them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be disrespectful and arrogant towards the subjects that I am learning where I will blame the subjects themselves or something/someone in my external reality when I don’t get it, when the fact of the matter is that I didn’t actually study or give it my all, because I expected that learning would ‘come to me’ effortlessly rather than actually giving myself to it unconditionally

Self-Commitment Statement

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts about not studying or practicing something that I am learning, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I’ve created a pattern of arrogance towards learning new things where I, on one hand expect myself to get things immediately/easily and at the same time that I’ve used this as an excuse and justification to not face myself and push myself within learning something that doesn’t actually come easy to me. I commit myself to embrace and be humble towards learning something new and I commit myself to stop this pattern of reacting when I see that it isn’t something I can immediately pick up. I realize that there are not many subjects that I can simply pick up immediately and thereby I’m limiting myself greatly if I will only learn things that ‘come to me’ where I don’t have to put any effort into it. I commit myself stop participating in, existing in/as and accepting and allowing the polarity of superiority/arrogance vs. inferiority/giving up on myself to exist within and as me in relation to learning new things. I realize that for me to expand myself to live my utmost potential I am going to have to expand myself beyond my immediate comfort zone. And so I commit myself to support myself to build stamina, patience, self-support and perseverance when it comes to learning new things that takes practice to learn. I realize that I cannot expect myself to be great at everything I do immediately and I can also not simply give up on myself when I don’t know how to do something or if I don’t understand something immediately. I commit myself to push myself to learn, to embrace the moment of learning and to create a supportive learning environment, method and expression for/as and within myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

favicon No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312 No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312favicon No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312 No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312

Stopping the Momentum of the Mind and Starting Principled Self-Movement. DAY 311

August 10, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Momentum small 1024x768 Stopping the Momentum of the Mind and Starting Principled Self Movement. DAY 311In the last post I began to prepare the way before me in terms of integrating and living the words ‘determination’ and ‘discipline/self-discipline’ as inspired by seeing my partner’s effectiveness with living these words. It is now time to start implementing these words into my daily life and living application.

For reference to what I will be discussing here I suggest reading the two previous blog-posts:

Something I found interesting as I was looking at the words ‘determination’, ‘discipline/self-discipline’, ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’ is how they all fit together in the same type of expression or application. What I’ve started to see is that it all starts with determination, as my partner explained: to make a decision to move towards a goal or an outcome and then follow through with that. Discipline is then what is needed to maintain the determined decision, especially when and as long as the mind is still allowed to interfere, for example through ‘wants’ and preferences.

Discipline is what is needed to intervene when the “I don’t want to” thoughts for example come up, because as my partner explained: discipline is when you do something that you don’t necessarily want to do because you see the overall/long-term benefit of doing it. I also realized that this entire point, these words and their application – has to do with the decision to lived principled instead of preference-based.

These words serve as bridges when there are still mental preferences interfering with one’s principled living, where for example: when one lives the determination to live a specific principle absolutely, discipline will not be required because it is like an interceptive application through which one can correct one’s actions on a day to day basis. This doesn’t mean that discipline or self-discipline is then an ‘inferior’ or ‘lesser’ application or that its relevance is diminished simply because it is more a ‘bridge’ to absolute application rather than an expression of absolute application.

Because we obviously have to face the fact that most of us are still very much conditioned by and into the mind which means that our default movement is not yet self-movement but mind-movement, for which a form of constant intervention is then required until one is able to move oneself absolutely as an expression of oneself as living the principles that one has made the decision to live. Based on what I’ve found thus far, the words ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’ which I have yet to interview my partner about are more ‘outflows’ or physically lived expressions, for example of determination – however I also see that for those of us who haven’t either been programmed to automatically live these words or who live them as an innate expression of ourselves, it is required to include them in one’s determined decisions and the application of discipline. You could say that ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’ is the application/manifestation of self-discipline lived effectively.

I see areas of my life where I – and so my life in affect – can benefit greatly from directively implementing the word ‘determination’, ‘discipline’, ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’ – which are obviously especially the areas of my life where I have continuously allowed the mind to interfere, where I make decisions based on mental preferences rather than principles. So instead of now trying to implement these words on an existential level, which I see easily can become abstract, theoretical and overwhelming, I will begin by applying these words and their living applications, to the areas of my life and living where I see that they are needed the most.

For me to do this effectively I see that two specific points has to be clarified and cleared, like preparing the building of a new house where one has to make sure that the foundation is stable before laying the bricks that becomes the structure of the house. Firstly I see that since determination is the starting-point of the effective application of the words ‘discipline’, ‘focus’, and ‘consistency ‘ – or rather that without determination, the decision to live principled or to manifest a certain goal into reality – there is no point in living the words ‘discipline’, ‘focus’, and ‘consistency ‘. This is in itself interesting because I can see how I have in the past failed because I tried to live these words but without an absolutely clear and determined starting-point, for example because my decisions were based on ideas/beliefs/desires or in separation from myself for example through following another’s determination. Secondly, because I realize that living these words effectively, has to do with intervening the point of making decisions from within/as the mind – this is something that also requires awareness; to understand what it is I am doing.

For example: When I don’t want to do something that I am supposed to do, like something that I see would benefit me and others or even something that is required for me to effectively sustain myself financially or otherwise, I have to obviously understand ‘what’ and ‘who’ and ‘where’ that want is coming from – meaning: to understand that the ‘who’ that wants to NOT do what I’m supposed to do, is NOT ‘me’, is not ‘who I am’.

It might be who I’ve identified and defined myself as throughout my life, but since I am here walking this process to walk out of the mind and into life as a being that represents and lives the principle of what is best for all in equality and oneness, it is not who I decide to continue to be, live and exist as. I cannot even say that it is ‘who I am’, because where does these wants come from? Where does these resistances come from? If I have a preference to do or not do something where I am actually compromising my life and being and even abuse myself and so others, how can I then accept that “this is who I am”? And if it is indeed ‘who I am’ – it means that ‘who I am’ is something/someone that is abusive and compromising, which is obviously not what I would prefer.

So in a way you could say that this is about getting my priorities straight, about changing who I am and thus changing my preferences from being based on preprogrammed and learned patterns that are compromising and abusive (which this entire world is an example of) – to preferences that priorities a life that is best for all and a ‘self’ that is supportive, expansive, grounded and that makes decisions towards becoming and living my utmost potential.

So this is what I see is required, in those moments of making the decision to apply self-discipline for example: that it is a decision in that moment of ‘who I am’ and I see that this intervention in awareness is required, where I make myself aware that the ‘who’ that wants to sabotage or compromise or abuse is not who I am but a set of patterns and behaviors that has been learned and programmed. Simply because “that’s how I’ve always been” it doesn’t mean that I have to forever live as this.

And the thing is: there is so much to do in this world to change the current situation, there is not a moment to waste, there is no point of waiting for change to come. So I actually see how living these words is an important and imperative part of my process – and the process of all of us – to walk from accepting ourselves as moving on the momentum of the mind, to stop that momentum, however ‘convenient’ and ‘comfortable’ it may feel, to begin the process of creating a momentum of principled living. So a momentum in this context is the physical movement, for example of a wheel, where it is first placed into motion by an external force like a hand pushing it into motion, but due to the physics of the wheel’s mechanics and the general physical laws of nature it will eventually gain a ‘self-movement’ – a momentum where it runs and moves without having to be pushed – it becomes effortless, one turning of the wheel propels the next.

It is the exact same we’ve been living, where we’ve followed the momentum of the mind, making it very easy for us to simply ‘jump on the bandwagon’ so to speak, because we didn’t have to do anything. We could simply ‘jump’ on the mind and let it move ourselves for us. Now we have to stop and intervene that momentum, so that we can create a new momentum that is based on principled self-movement. However – that cannot be initiated without the initial push and in the context of the process I am walking here, that is the word ‘determination’ and its supportive applications of ‘discipline/self-discipline’, ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’.

In terms of the practical implementation and application of the words ‘determination’ and ‘discipline/self-discipline’, I’ve been looking at lot at how to effectively implement these words into my life. And what I realized after several days of pondering back and forth was that I had gone into a resistance towards actually living these words. I was starting to see it as very difficult and complicated and I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to follow through with it. So what I see is that the practical application is actually very simple. It is simply a matter of doing it.

So my practical application commitment has to do with specific areas of my life as I mentioned that I see would benefit greatly from me living the words effectively. An example could be a project that one would like to undertake but where one has been slow in moving oneself to actually get it done. Here I make the commitment to utilize the principle of accumulation – which is something my partner has introduced me to – where, all that is needed is often to do a little bit every day to slowly but surely start accumulating results. Another example could be behaviors that one sees are compromising/abusive for oneself, for example towards eating things that are not supportive for one’s physical body. Here I commit myself to apply the point of bringing myself to the awareness of ‘who’ it is that is carrying a preference to do something onto my own body that is not supportive and then making the decision and determination to support my body. I also commit myself to make clear goals for myself – which is the point of making a determined decision where I make it clear for myself why I am applying a certain principle and choosing that over the mind’s preference, so that I can consistently adhere to this decision and then utilize self-discipline in those moments of ‘wavering’ where I stop the momentum of the mind and push the momentum of principle into application. Here I also see that it is relevant to understand that because the momentum of the mind is already in motion, it will be ‘spinning’ faster, more intense and with more force than the new momentum of principle. This is also exactly why discipline/self-discipline may be required in the beginning because the movement of self, based on principle is not yet ‘self-moving’ and therefore requires to be consistently pushed until it – and one – is self-moving.

So this is the first part of my self-corrective process. I will apply what I have learned and realized to two specific areas of my life and will take it from there in terms of seeing where adjustments may be required. I will write down and specify for myself what exactly it is I am doing, what principles it is I am deciding to live and why, what it is I am intervening, what goals I have and what commitments I will make to effectively implement these principles into my life and living.

I realize that I require stopping the momentum of the mind so that I can initiate the momentum of principled living and self-movement. I realize that stopping of the mind’s momentum as well as the initiation of the principled momentum of self-movement requires a push because the mind’s momentum because it is already running with an automated’ force’ and the principled momentum because it is not yet running. This is exactly what I see is the entire purpose of living the words determination, discipline/self-discipline, focus and consistency.

Something additional that was shown to me today by a friend is that the starting-point of even walking determination comes from a decision within/of/as self and that in the context of the process that I’m walking here, the point for me especially – also in relation to seeing my partner as an example: is to slow myself down and through and within that slow down the mind, stop rushing in the mind so that I can move and make decisions based on common sense.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

From Feeling Intimidated by, to Exploring Another’s Expression. DAY 310

August 3, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

is someone looking up to you   by nehpets From Feeling Intimidated by, to Exploring Anothers Expression. DAY 310In this post I am continuing with the point of feeling intimidated by another’s expression and effectiveness and I will in this post share self-forgiveness as well as begin the process of changing my relationship to the words determination, discipline, focus and consistency in relation to seeing my partner living these words effectively. What I decided to as a first step in terms of practically correcting this point, was to interview my partner about how he lives the words ‘determination’, ‘discipline’, ‘consistency’ and ‘focus’ and I found it to be a cool practical application. So when you see someone living a word or an expression effectively in a way that you’d like to learn, you can ask them if you can interview them and then write down questions about this expression or application that you are curious about or that you’ve found yourself struggling with that they might have interesting perspectives on. Through interviewing the other person, it becomes more of a ‘scientific’ or exploring process in terms of understanding how a certain expression is practically lived rather than being something that is taken personally as something that some people ‘have’ or ‘don’t have’.I suggest reading the first post for context on what I’ll be walking here.

Feeling Intimidated by Another’s Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to admire my partner and to be impressed with him and how effectively I see him living the words determination, consistency and discipline and focus – and instead of utilizing that as an example for myself that I can apply in my own living, have become intimidated by my partner’s effectiveness and started comparing myself to my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to slowly but surely over time, through participating in backchat, belief, ideas and reactions towards seeing my partner as effective, have gone from simply seeing his effectiveness to feeling intimidated by it and compare myself to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated by my partner’s effectiveness when it comes to what I’ve seen as him effectively living and expressing the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become intimidated within seeing my partner as being very effective, as though he is the very embodiment of perfection when it comes to living the words determination, consistency and discipline and focus.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compare my own effectiveness/ineffectiveness within living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency to my partner through looking first at him and then at myself – and within this react and experience myself as inferior to my partner and my partner as superior to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, the more I saw my partner as effective, the more I compared myself to him, the more I widened this gap of comparison in my mind, where I saw him as more and more effective and superior and myself as more and more ineffective and inferior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my partner’s effectiveness within living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and see it as nearly perfect, as the epitome and embodiment of what it means to live those words and within comparing myself to that perfection that I saw in my partner, think and believe that this is how you live focus, discipline, determination and consistency, that if I were to live those words, this is THE way to live them and therefore, for me to also become effective, I have to be exactly as my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that for me to become effective within living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency, I must live and express these words exactly as my partner does

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an equation in my mind where, through seeing myself as inferior to my partner and through seeing my partner as superior because of how effectively he lives the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency – for me to become equal to my partner and no longer be/experience myself as inferior, I have to become and live the words exactly as my partner does

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency exactly in the same way my partner does, in order to equalize and balance out the inequality and the gap that I’ve created between us in my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and to become frustrated with myself when seeing that I find it very difficult, if not impossible for me to live and express the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency exactly as my partner does

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and judge myself and feel ashamed and useless because I find myself unable to live and express myself effectively in the exact same way my partner expresses himself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and define and accept myself as inferior to my partner because I am not able to live or express the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency as effectively or in the same way that I see him doing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself as being lazy, unorganized, unfocused, inconsistent and ineffective when I look at myself in comparison to my partner in relation to how we live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed and apathetic within thinking and believing that I can never become as effective as my partner at living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for explanations as justifications and excuses outside of myself as to why I am unable to live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency as effectively as my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother and my upbringing in general for me not having integrated or learned to effectively live the word focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to diminish my partner’s effectiveness in my mind in an attempt to equalize myself to my partner in my mind, where I think that he is only so effective because that’s what he’s been taught growing up and as such that there’s an unfairness to why he’s so disciplined, determined, focused and consistent, where I experience myself as a victim of circumstances and thus give myself permission and justification to abdicate responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there’s something fundamentally wrong or flawed with me, that I in who I am, am simply not good enough, since I cannot live up to my partner’s effectiveness in living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and as such because of this, have accepted and allowed myself to give completely up on myself and developing these words in and as an expression of myself because I’ve justified my ineffectiveness as a permanent part of ‘who I am’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify giving up on myself in terms of developing and integrating the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency effectively into myself, my life and my living through defining myself as fundamentally ineffective and my partner as fundamentally effective as though ‘who’ my partner and I are in relation to the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency are inexorably determined

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as standing in my partner’s shadow when it comes to living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency – where I feel like my partner is SO effective that I cannot possible live up to that and thereby accept and allow myself to justify giving up on myself and simply accept that my partner is the one who is able to live these words and not me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame, resent and resist his partner within and as thinking and believing that his effectiveness is overshadowing, blocking and inhibiting my potential to live and express the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency – within thinking and believing that if I cannot be exactly as my partner, then I cannot live these words at all and should just leave it to my partner and give up on myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and deceive myself into believing that it is a good solution to let my partner live and represent the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and then I can lean on him and let him take the lead whereas I can lead in other areas of our lives and as such use this to justify to myself the deception that I don’t have to live these words, because my partner can live them for both of us

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency on and towards my partner where I have accepted and allowed myself to become complacent, apathetic and dependent in accepting my partner as the one that has the responsibility to live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and thus that I don’t have to and that I can’t live these words, thus making my application even more ineffective as well as compromising my communication and practical living with my partner as well as my own life and process

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider or realize that because my expression is different from and unique to my partner’s and because I’ve had entirely different experiences growing up, that me living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency will and cannot be exactly the same as how my partner live them and so because I thought that I could only live them in the way he did, I gave up on myself instead of actually investigate these words for myself and how I can live and express myself through/as them independently of how my partner or anyone else lives or expresses these words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because discipline for example has not been a very big part of my life, my experience or my application throughout my life, that this word and the living application of this word is then closed off to me, instead of giving myself the opportunity to unconditionally explore and investigate what it would mean for me to live this word in, through and for myself – and for example within this, learn from my partner and others whom I see are effectively living the word discipline

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no words, expressions or living applications are closed off to me, as though it is only some people who can live or express them, or that if you haven’t had experience with a word or an expression growing up, then it is simply too late and you’ll have to accept your limited expression and application

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and to not realize and challenge how extensively I’ve limited myself – to a certain set of skills, applications and expressions, where I never actually took the opportunity to learn from others but instead saw there expressions as intimidating and exclusive, where the more effective they were, the less I believed that I too could be effective – when in fact, someone being very effective within a certain application or expression ought to be seen as a gift and an opportunity to expand – and not as something that limits me even further into not expanding myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity and the gift to unconditionally learn from my partner and his expression of focus, discipline, determination and consistency and that I have instead denied myself the opportunity to expand and support myself within and through these words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my own self-imposed and circumstantial limitation a comfort zone where I accepted and justified that I didn’t have to push myself or take responsibility for myself because I accepted myself as fundamentally flawed – and so for example in relation to discipline saw it as an ‘easy way’ out of not really giving things my all or pushing myself to the utmost and therefore could slack

Preparing the way before me.

Something that I have found interesting but also somewhat concerning is how I have previously written a lot about for example the words discipline, determination and focus and yet it is not something that I have changed on a fundamental level within and as myself, my process and my life – which is obviously also why I would react to my partner’s effectiveness within and as living these words. I’ve also talked to my partner previously for example about discipline and have asked him how he lives this word, but it was rather casual and I see how when I was asking him I was still in the experience of inferiority towards him where I had basically already given up on myself in relation to effectively living the word. So what I have done this time, is to first of all realize that this is not about my partner or how he lives the word discipline for example. It is about me and how I live the word discipline. This does however not mean that I can’t learn from my partner. So when I was looking at how to apply a practical correction for myself, I decided to interview my partner on his relationship to the words discipline, determination, focus and consistency. This practical application simply opened up in a moment so I will be walking the investigating and correction process simultaneously as I share in these blog-posts.

I can definitely recommend that if you see something in another that you’d like to develop for yourself, to ask them if you can interview them. This is how I did it: At first I asked my partner if I could interview him about discipline while we were driving the other day. But instead of coming from a starting-point of inferiority and within that also an insincere ‘decision’ to change, I decided to be directively inquisitive and really get to understand exactly how my partner lives the word discipline. Because you know, when we see something in another that we’d like to live for ourselves, we tend to only see the result of a process of application – which is also why we’d conclude that “they’re like that and I am not”. So I decided to go about it very concretely and practically, where I asked my partner questions in relation to discipline:

“What is discipline to you?”

“How do you live discipline?”

“How would you define discipline?”

“In which situations do you find it supportive to apply discipline within yourself?”

“Is it something you do actively or is it automated?”

“Have you always been this disciplined or have you practiced it?”

“If you have practiced it, how did you practice it?”

“Can you share an example?”

So through asking my partner all these questions that naturally came up within a moment, I got to understand not only how he lives the word discipline – that it is not simply ‘who he is’ or ‘all he is’ but in fact a specific practical application that he utilizes in his life – but I also got some practical tips for how I can apply discipline within my own life. So what my partner for example said was that discipline to him basically is “doing something even though you don’t want to do it.” When I asked him how he applies discipline he said that he reminds himself of how the long-term benefits of what he’s doing far outweighs the immediate costs. He also explained how this is quite natural for him and thus no longer is something that he actively has to think about or remind himself, he simply knows that it is cool and self-supportive to rather do what needs to get done even though he might prefer doing something else. He also explained to me how he knows that he’ll be grateful if he does it and that if he doesn’t he’ll have this point hanging over his head that he knows he should be doing.

Later that day I interviewed my partner about this relationship to the word determination and this time we sat down and I wrote down his answers as we were speaking. I found that this worked much more effectively and I definitely see how this is a cool way that one can communicate with someone who one sees is living a specific word in an effective way. Through interviewing my partner I make the process of investigating how he is living a word, both something practical but it is also a bit like doing scientific research where one is digging into the details and specificity of how a particular word is lived and expressed.

This is what my partner said about determination:

How do you live the word Determination?

I live it through making a decision that “This is what I want to do” then I look at what I have to do to get there. Then I begin doing that. The reason why I’m so determined is because I feel like it’s a personal investment where I made a commitment I made to myself, so then its like I am failing myself if I don’t walk the decision

How do you stay determined?

It’s because the decision I made is still the one I made. I have it in my awareness at all times, so I don’t think about.

How do you change non-determination to determination?

Then it’s because I have not made a decision yet, the point has not yet become me, it’s subject to energy, motivation/de-motivation.

So how do you change that?

Then I make a decision for myself. I look at: what is it that I want to do? How? When? I also look at how I can make myself more and more determined. It’s a passion for self-expansion. It’s fun to become better at things.

Something that I noticed as I was looking at the word determination together with my partner was that his relationship to the word is still to some extent contingent upon energy, hence the ‘feeling’ he is describing of making a personal investment. This was interesting because before I interviewed my partner I had as I mentioned in the previous post more seen him as being ‘perfect’ or ‘complete’ in relation to how he lives the word determination, but now I realized that there is a lot more to living a word than the ‘result’ that I see. It is not that it is ‘bad’ that my partner to some extent has an energetic motivation within living the word determination, but as we were talking about it, we also discussed how this is something that he can correct within his relationship to the word. We also discussed how, initially one might have to work with the mind, especially if one has not yet lived a word effectively, within for example making an agreement with oneself in the mind that “We do this now and then we can relax” for example. But this is obviously not the ‘end goal’ in terms of how to live determination. So what I realized is that we tend to see other people – especially when we feel inferior to them, as these ‘complete’ and ‘perfect’ human beings, when in fact they are not; we’re merely seeing them through our polarized ‘lenses’ where every thing looks extreme. It’s the same when one feels inferior, because it is like it’s one’s entire beingness and existence that is the problem, when often it is simply a particular application that require alignment.

Something else I noticed as I interviewed my partner is how, once a word is lived effectively, one literally become the embodiment of the word – meaning that one’s living of the word is direct and immediate, i.e. that there is no thought process and no ‘initiation’ process involved, where one for example has to use thoughts to motivate oneself. Something that I liked that my partner said about determination is how it is something that he has in his awareness as a decision that he’s already made where the actual movement/living of the decision is moving on the momentum of the decision. This also means that there’s no struggle, no question, no uncertainty – you simply walk the decision that you’ve made. Something else that was cool was that my partner used my relationship with our cats as an example, and within that he showed me an example of how I already live the word determination in a way that was contextual. This was very cool because this way I could relate what he was saying back to myself and see the ‘mechanism’ he was talking about within myself. He explained how I for example have the cats in my awareness at all times, but that it is not something that I have to think about. My application in relation to the cats is therefore effortless as the decision to take care of them in the best way possible is already made; so giving them food, taking them in or out or keeping an eye on them is something that I simply do.

After I had interviewed my partner I noticed that I wanted to go and write my blog and how this ‘movement’ towards taking care of my responsibilities came up within me in a different way than I have experienced before. I found that quite interesting and I have seen before how, simply by starting to open up information about a particular point or pattern, one sometimes already starts changing it, simply through becoming aware of it.

What I realized mostly from interviewing my partner is that living the words ‘discipline’ and ‘determination’ for example has to do with living principled instead of based on preferences. In a way it is like going against one’s ‘nature’ or that which one is used to, that which ‘feels good’ – and I see how this initially might be based on either a pragmatic reminder to oneself or even a deliberate and directive process of self-manipulation based on understanding how the mind works and operates. In the next post I will discuss more about how I practically am going to implement and live these words and I will also interview my partner on how he lives the words ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

Feeling Intimidated by Another’s Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309

July 31, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

 Feeling Intimidated by Anothers Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309I have for some time experienced myself as standing in the shadow of my partner, especially when it comes to particular expressions and applications of my partner in and through which I have seen him as being very effective. The words that I have identified in relation to this expression/application are: discipline, determination, consistency and focus. In investigating this point for myself I have come to see how I have felt intimidated by my partner’s effectiveness – meaning: the more I looked at him and saw how effective he was, the more intimidated I felt and the more I compared myself to him and found myself wanting/lacking that which I saw in him. And instead of then looking in common sense at what I could learn from him, how I could integrate the effectiveness of my partner into my own life/process, I did the following:

I retreated/gave up and started widening the gap within comparison between us, where the more effective I saw him as, the more ineffective I saw myself as. So when looking at how self-disciplined he is, I saw myself as not disciplined. I also looked at our lives before we started our agreement and within that found a ‘justifiable’ explanation – where I actually deceived myself into giving up, because of seeing how these expressions were 1) something that’s natural to my partner, it’s simply who he is and 2) that he had learned for example how to discipline himself growing up where I hadn’t.

So I made the conclusion in my mind as well as in conversations with my partner and others that “He’s so disciplined, he’s so consistent, he’s so focused, he’s so determined – it’s simply who he is. I on the other hand, I am NOT disciplined, it’s not something I learned growing up” (hence blaming it on others/my environment) – and “I’m simply not like that” (blaming myself, believing that there’s something fundamentally wrong/flawed with me). What I did with all of this information was that I subconsciously justified that “he’s like that and I am not.” Where I completely gave up on even learning from my partner. Because I was so intimidated by his effectiveness, seeing myself as sooooo far back that I would never possibly be able to become (like) him. And this is an important point because, as I’ve been looking at the point now, I’ve seen how I thought/believed that I was supposed to become my partner and be exactly like him – that that is what ‘discipline’ for example is, like he’s the epitome, perfection example of what the word disciplined means. And because I could see/understood that it was impossible for me to literally become my partner, I gave myself a justification to simply give up.

However – this also created a lot of conflict, both within myself, between myself and my partner as well as in my world. Because, there are obviously certain moments, certain points that benefit from or even require being directed through expressions/applications such as discipline, determination, consistency and focus.

But I simply gave up – in the face of my partner’s effectiveness; seeing that because he was so effective, I could never be that and then I gave up. So what I actually did was to create a dependency/leaning on my partner where I subconsciously decided that he was going to be/represent those applications/expressions in our life and agreement and that I would then take on/represent other points. But what that also meant was that I actually gave up on myself. Because in the end – although this process affects and has outflow consequences on our agreement practically, it’s not actually about my partner, but about myself in my own process.

And I can see how I’ve limited myself through perceiving myself as standing in the shadow of another, instead of looking at the words in the context of my own expression: how would I live determination? What is discipline to me? How can I effectively implement focus and consistency into my daily application? Because I cannot become my partner. It is physically impossible. I cannot express myself exactly like him, because we have had entirely different lives growing up and are different and unique within whom we are.

So the more I saw him through comparison, the more ineffective I actually became, especially when it came to projects we were collaborating on or in relation to our agreement. Interestingly enough, this point was not an issue when it came to responsibilities or tasks that I had already established my self-direction in that had nothing to do with my partner. In those tasks I trusted myself, in those tasks I lived discipline, determination, consistency and focus, some more than others. So what this shows is that the potential to live the words exist within me, I simply haven’t fully integrated them into the totality of my being as an absolute expression of who I am. They are conditioned to circumstances, to beliefs, to self-definitions and to ideas, which makes them unstable, volatile and not really fully grounded in my expression as who I am.

Through this self-fulfilling prophecy that I amplified through comparison where I conditioned myself more and more into seeing myself as less than my partner, the more ineffective I became. It became this struggle within me of seeing myself as “I am simply NOT like that!” and “SO how do I become that??” And the more I did this, the more I actually separated myself from my own grounding, from my own expression – from actually looking at and embracing these words in me/as me. Because when I live and express determination for example or consistency as a living expression of whom I am, it will be expressed through me based on who I am. It might be different from how my partner expresses or lives consistency or determination or it might be similar. But the point is that I have seen these words/applications/expressions as so intimidating because of how effective he was within and as it, thinking that the only way to live these words was to become exactly like him, and since I couldn’t do that – I retreated and gave up. I also created a resistance towards my partner at the same time as I admired him and placed him on a pedestal within my mind, which created conflict, both within me and in our communication.

What I hadn’t realized is that simply because I cannot live determination or consistency or focus EXACTLY as my partner, it doesn’t mean that I cannot learn from him. It doesn’t mean that his effectiveness is in any way overshadowing, suffocating or inhibiting a potential within me. Quite the contrary.

If we for example look at the fact that my life has been rather lacking of discipline and then the fact that this is something that my partner is very naturally effective within AND it is also something he’s been taught growing up, I have the perfect teacher, I have someone who’s really standing as an example of what it means to live discipline effectively – which gives me the opportunity and the potential gift to learn from him and to develop discipline within myself as an expression of myself. Here it is not about assuming my partner’s expression to the T, again as though I have to become him.

No – instead it is about looking at: what is discipline? What does it mean to apply/express discipline? How does he practically go about it? Did he learn any techniques or tools growing up that I could learn from? Has he any insights about how to apply self-discipline that I could learn from? And then from there, it is about me then taking that and applying it in my own life, in my own process, within my own expression. And Maybe I won’t live discipline the exact same way my partner does and maybe he can then actually learn something from me, because I’ve not grown up with it, it’s not something natural for me, so I’m walking this process for the first time, creating/recreating and integrating this word for myself as a living word.

So maybe I will live or open up dimensions of the word that my partner hadn’t considered and maybe that will assist him to expand himself in relation to how he lives the word. So this is the solution and correction process I will be walking for myself, where I will be investigating and exploring the living application of the words that I see that my partner lives effectively for myself, so that I can integrate them into myself/my life/my process, not in a comparison to my partner on in the shadow of him, but rather inspired by him, through learning from his example which is a cool example of what it means to live these words.

I realize that this pattern – which is actually a pattern of self-sabotage and self-limitation is one that I have lived, not only in relation to my partner but also in relation to other people in my life. And I see how we as human beings through such patterns will limit ourselves to certain specific skills/expressions within being intimidated by the effectiveness of others – when we actually could have learned and expanded ourselves through seeing the effectiveness of other’s expressions as gifts and opportunities. We tend to glorify and place people on pedestals and see them almost with a godly fear and us as standing in their shadows. We then let them lead and accept that they embody these expressions and we don’t when that is absolutely unnecessary and in fact something that limits all of us. The solution is thus for each to learn from one another, but to also come back to the grounding within one’s own expression of asking the simple question: How can I live this word? How can I integrate this word into my life? Instead of thinking “I wish I was like them” or “They are so amazing, why can’t I be like that” or “I will never be like them” – which are all statements of self-limitation, self-sabotage and in fact: self-dishonesty. Because if there is one thing we have established in this process it is that the potential of life exists within each of us. Words are not limited or finite or exclusive to certain people. It is not like there are only so many skills to go around or that only one person can embody a certain expression leaving others lacking that expression. It is not like simply because someone expresses something more effectively than I do at this point in time, that this expression is entirely impossible for me to live in/as myself.

And so the solution here is to ground oneself in practicality, exactly as one would learn any skill or expand oneself to express oneself in a new way: through practice, through learning from the examples of others, through defining for oneself what a word means in effective application, through actually living it – where it is not about seeing myself as a finite sum of certain skills of expressions that can never change or be expanded upon, but to realize that I create myself in every moment. There is thus no excuse or limitation to me expanding myself, especially when it comes to expressions and applications that will support me to live what is best for me, my utmost potential, and so best for all.

In the next post I will walk Self-Forgiveness on the reactions I have created towards my partner and how I have limited myself in comparing myself to my partner, so that I can prepare the way before myself to stand on my own two feet in discovering, exploring and living the words determination, consistency and discipline and focus.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

favicon Feeling Intimidated by Anothers Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309 Feeling Intimidated by Anothers Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309favicon Feeling Intimidated by Anothers Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309 Feeling Intimidated by Anothers Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309

The Volatility of Energetic/Emotional Experiences of Value. DAY 308

July 28, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Realizing Your Self Worth The Volatility of Energetic/Emotional Experiences of Value. DAY 308Recently I had quite an interesting insight about the way that I defined my own value. I was busy working with a group of people and I noticed myself going into an energetic experience of anticipation towards them applauding or being impressed with what I was saying. As I later investigated the experience through self-forgiveness I realized that I had defined my value as an energetic experience, meaning: when someone applauded me or said something complimentary about me, I would create an experience of being valuable within myself. If they then did not applaud me or if they would criticize me, I would create an experience within me of being without value and/or being worth-less. As I started investigating the point of valuing myself I realized that I had defined value as an experience and then to gain value, I would have to seek out the experience of feeling valuable which I had attached/associated to others for example applauding me. I would then have to be strategic about what to say and how to say it in order to hopefully, maybe impress others to then applaud me. What this would mean is that I would compromise my expression, I would go into competition with others, I would speak only to get that energetic experience of feeling valuable and I would most certainly not listen to others, support them or be interested in what they had to say. I realize how it is similar with other points, in how I have perceived/interpreted them based on energetic experiences – examples could be having an experience of confidence instead of actually living confidence as an expression of myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe and define my value as an energetic experience of feeling valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as valuable only when others explicitly show or say that I am valuable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an addiction towards the energetic experience of feeling valuable that I generate within myself when others compliment me or when I perceive them as being impressed with me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the energetic experience of feeling valuable that I generate within myself when others compliment me or when I perceive them as being impressed with me, is not something that they are creating within me – but that I am creating within myself based on a belief that my value is derived from others recognizing value within and as me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately speak and write and do things in order to get others to compliment me or be impressed with me, so that I can generate an experience of feeling valuable and thereby believing that I have value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of excitement and euphoria when others compliment me or applaud me where I get high on the experience of feeling valuable, for a moment perceiving, defining and believing myself to be valuable – until the energy wears off and I again have to go chasing the experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to equate others indicating/recognizing me as valuable with being valuable and thus that I have made my value depending on an experience and on others recognizing my value, completely separating value from myself as something that I create and that exists within me unconditionally

I forgive myself that I, because of the relationship of separation of value from myself that I have created, have created a want/need/desire within me to seek out other people’s approval/recognition/validation, where I do and say things – not because of a natural expression of myself, but strategically to gain value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel devalued and worthless if others criticize me, where I go into an experience of shame, self-judgment, self-blame and depression because I believe and have accepted that my value is something entirely volatile that can be given to me or taken away from me in an instance – where even though it changes from one moment to the next I believe it to be defining the totality of me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately go into competition with others because of my addition towards creating an energetic experience of feeling valuable based on being complimented by others, where I try and be better than others so that I can maximize my experience of feeling valuable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when speaking to others, not listen to them or be here with them, because my mind is preoccupied with what I can say so as to get them to value me so that I can get my energetic fix of feeling valuable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself and my physical body through trying to impress others and get them to compliment me so that I can experience myself as valuable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be willing to compromise myself and to cross my own self-honest and physical boundaries just so that I could create an experience of feeling valuable based on others complimenting me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent to which I’ve compromised and enslaved myself based on the addiction I’ve created towards generating an experience of feeling valuable when others compliment me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad and desperate when people would not applaud/compliment me in spite of my advances for them to do so, not realizing how people pick up on the fact that I am not genuine or authentic in my expression and that I am desperate and therefore may or might create a resistance/resentment towards me because they sense that I want something from them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an innate belief/assumption that ‘who I am’ must be felt – such as feeling confident or feeling valuable and that if I don’t feel it, then I am not it – when in fact real confidence or value is something that I can only live as an expression of myself as actually becoming/living the word/virtue

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a constant state of trying to prove my value to others – thus making value something entirely volatile that can change from one moment to the next, instead of being a constant, stable and real expression of who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how – the more I look for value outside of myself, in others, the more I actually separate myself from the value of myself here through being preoccupied with value as being something that I don’t have and that I have to gain from a starting-point of ‘lack’ and self-interest, not realizing that the only place that I can find and develop value is within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive and accept it as physiologically impossible for me to value myself without being validated by others, like that option simply does not exist within me – because I inherently see myself as not having value – or rather: do not understand what value is because all I’ve ever known it as has been an energetic experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider how value is the extent to which I am beneficial or useful to existence/the world/myself as a practical measurement of my movement and impact, not as any energetic experience or feeling

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider or understand that self-value is thus the understanding and recognition of my own usefulness, both within real-time application and as a potential of who/what I can become i.e. what I make of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how, when I allow myself to chase an energetic experience of feeling valuable, I am actually ironically devaluing myself, because I am not making practical use of myself to the utmost of my potential – but am instead valuing (making use of) only myself in/as the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how value is simply a measurement of usefulness in terms of how beneficial something or someone is, but also within this how value is in essence a construct and not something that defines me as more or less in this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how in an optimal world, value wouldn’t even be relevant because everything and everyone would be living according to their utmost potential and as such there would be no need to value/devalue anything or anyone as measured against one another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must value myself, that self-value is an important part of the process of walking out of the mind, when in fact I realize that when I appreciate myself here, when I recognize my own actions and the impact they have in self-honesty, there is no need to measure myself based on a construct of value

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to hold onto value as an energetic experience of feeling ‘more than’ in comparison to an experience of feeling ‘less than’ as an energetic high through which I can feel that I have a purpose in this world

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to experience an ‘urge’ as a movement within me of energy to speak/act from a starting-point of wanting to impress others or prove myself to others – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to the stability of myself. I clear myself and speak when I am clear in my expression, that I am not expressing myself to ‘get something’ but simply as an expression of how I am in that moment or as a point of practicality where I see that it is supportive to speak/act in a certain way.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react when others compliment me or when I perceive that they are impressed with me, where I see that I experience myself energetically high I stop. I breathe and stabilize myself here.

I realize that I’ve separated myself from value as myself which is in essence simply the recognition of myself here, where I don’t have to either value or devalue myself. I realize that I’ve made myself addicted to an energetic experience of feeling valuable based on feeling validated by others through their compliments or my perception of them being impressed with me and that this is inherently linked then also to an experience of myself as being worthless/unvalued. I realize that value is simply a form of measurement and that I don’t actually need to value or devalue myself – because I can live and exist here in an recognition of myself and my potential in self-honesty.

Something interesting that I am seeing is that in Danish the word/sounding of the word value is like ‘Being-I’ where ‘being’ is a verb, so ‘value’ in that context is simply the recognition and living of who I am and I realize that the word ‘value’ in itself as a measurement is only relevant in the context then of not knowing/recognizing/being self-honest about self and thereby having to measure self.

I commit myself to stop the addiction I’ve accepted within and as myself to the energetic experience of feeling valuable/devalued. I commit myself to stop looking for value inside and outside of myself. I commit myself to stop accepting myself as valuable/worthless and I commit myself to focus on bringing myself and being here in a recognition of myself here in self-honesty where I decide and express myself without creating an experience of myself. I commit myself to stop speaking/acting to deliberately ‘get something out of it’ but to focus on speaking/acting as the expression of myself. I realize that I don’t have to be ‘valuable’ in the eyes of others or even in the eyes of my own mind/myself because with value comes devalue and as such I would accept devalue as much as I accept value. I realize that this is not necessary for me to recognize and appreciate my own expression and to self-honestly asses my own contribution in this world.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt.3 – DAY 307

July 21, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

denial2 1024x575 Stifling Self Through Suppression   Pt.3   DAY 307In this post I am continuing with investigating and changing my relationship to suppression and how I’ve used suppression as a way to hold myself and what comes up/exists within me ‘under the radar’. Through investigating the extent to which I’ve used suppression as a mechanism to not have to face/deal with/direct what comes up/exists within and as my mind, I have realized that I suppress far more than I was aware of. What has been cool about this investigation however is that I’ve started to see that suppression doesn’t ‘just happen’ by itself. Although it has become quite automated, I have realized how I suppress using very specific ‘strategies’ and self-manipulation tactics and justifications – which obviously then also exposes the point that suppression is something that we do deliberately, with the intend of keeping parts/aspects of ourselves ‘out of sight’ and not as we would justify it as being a way to ‘get rid of’ or push something away. There is no ‘away’. It all goes right back into our physical bodies and the depths of our minds where we have no directive awareness which means that we aren’t actually aware of what happens to the points/experiences/aspects of ourselves that we ‘push under’. This is for example what can cause those sudden moments of emotional explosion where something that was suppressed resurfaces like a volcano under pressure with an almost violent force that can’t be controlled. It also goes to show how important it then is to stop suppressing and instead implement self-supportive tools to deal with what comes up/exists within one’s mind and oneself.

For context, read part 1 and 2 here:

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a point/experience/thought comes up in/through my mind that I see requires direction, tell myself to “look away”, that “It’s not that bad”, “It’s just one thought” where I know exactly what I am doing – I am suppressing what comes up within me, to not look at it, to not deal with it, to not take responsibility for myself within and as it – and thus in that moment abdicate myself to the mind, identify myself as the mind, accept myself as the thoughts, as the mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through/as the mind, to not deal with/look at/direct what comes up within me through/as the mind by making the justification that “It’s not that bad” or that “there are so many points coming up that I can’t possibly deal with them all, so I’ll just let this one slide” – when that is in fact a deliberate suppression mechanism and I know that if I direct myself immediately and in the moment, I am capable of handing/directing anything that comes up within me – by being prepared, by me standing stable and solid here, so that the mind does not ‘wash over me’ but that I stand ready to ‘receive’ and direct whatever comes up

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to, in a moment of seeing a point/experience/thought coming up within me that I see requires direction and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to make excuses and justifications to not face/direct/deal with what comes up, for example through saying that “It’s not that bad” or “there are too many points come up, I’ll let this one go” – I stop and I breathe and I let that thought go. I commit myself to direct what comes up within me immediately and directly and I commit myself to be diligent and persistent as I keep pushing myself to change this pattern of self-suppression into self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive and manipulate myself into believing that “I’m letting it go” when I see a point/experience/thought coming up that I know I have to direct, where I’m not actually letting it go – and I know that I’m not letting it go, because of who I am within that moment of self-suppression

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to, in a moment of seeing a point/experience/thought coming up within me that I see requires direction and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to use the thought “I’m letting it go” as a self-deception and manipulation tactic – I stop and I breathe and I check within myself whether I am clear, whether there is a energy in my solar plexus. I realize that I know the difference between having actually let something go and simply telling myself that I’m letting something go, where it’s actually part of a self-suppression mechanism that I’m deceiving myself through. I commit myself to stop deceiving myself into believing that I’m letting something go, when I can clearly feel that the point is still here within me. I realize that when I deceive myself into believing that I’m letting something go, where I’m not, that I’m undermining my own self-integrity, self-honesty and self-trust, because I’m using what was supposed to be a real letting go as an excuse to actually remain and hold onto what came up within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to what comes up within me as experiences/thoughts/memories where it is either something that scares me, that I fear or it is something about myself that I don’t want to face/admit, with deliberately using the words “Oh no, not this” – where I am literally standing AS self-suppression, within and by the decision to suppress myself, where what I had already suppressed resurfaces and I react to it as though it is threatening me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist facing what exists within/as me as the mind, because I fear that it will threaten the ‘stability’ of ‘who I am’ – when in fact, I can only fear what exists within me, if I am living on a lie, because otherwise I would simply embrace the totality of me unconditionally – so what this indicates is that I’ve been living on a lie, pretending that certain aspects of me are not a part of me, only wanting selective aspects – thinking that I can hide and push away those aspects of myself that I don’t like/don’t want, which is actually a double-suppression/deception mechanism, because when I suppress those aspects of myself and hide them from myself I further consolidate their existence within and as

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that suppressing actually has the exact opposite outcome of what my conscious intention with suppressing is; in terms of ‘letting it go’ and pushing away the parts of myself that I don’t like or that I don’t want to associate myself with – because when I push them away, into me they get their own ‘life’ in depth of the mind where I do not yet have directive awareness which means that I can even less direct them or let alone stop or change them, thus implying that suppression from the mind’s perspective has the exact opposite purpose – of actually holding onto and remaining within and as those points rather than letting them go

When and as I see that I react in fear and resistance to what comes up within/as me through the mind as experiences/thoughts/memories where I immediately want to push it away because I don’t want it to surface and ‘contaminate/threaten’ who I think I am here – I stop. I breathe. I push through the resistance and I face myself. I realize that the only reason why I would fear something that comes up/exists within me is because I’m living a lie. As such, the fact that these points/experiences/memories/thoughts come up is actually a gift and an opportunity for me to face the lie that I’ve accepted myself as, and to instead embrace the totality of me and from there enable myself to make directive, self-honest decision about who I am going to be – rather than ‘who I am’ being a result of a ‘censoring’ where I highlight the aspects of myself that I like and suppress the aspects of myself that I don’t like. I realize that I am never going to be able to change or stop the aspects of me that I don’t like or that I don’t want to exist as, unless I actually embrace them as myself unconditionally and direct myself as them in full awareness and self-honesty. I commit myself to stop reacting in fear and resistance to what I see/what comes up within me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and deceive myself through thinking and believing that “I don’t know what this is so I can’t deal with” when a point/experience/thought comes up within/as me through the mind where I deliberately confuse myself and make what comes up ‘unclear’ and ‘blurry’ and where I think that “It is too chaotic/confusing, so I need more time to process it” when in fact – what comes up within and as me, is me, and therefore is my responsibility. And because I have the tools of self-forgiveness, writing, breathing through experiences – I don’t have an excuse to not face or direct points because I know that I can make something clear for myself and even if I can’t there are actually people in my world that I can talk to, which means that there’s no excuse to not direct points, simply because I don’t see them clearly within the moment.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to feel confused/unclear/overwhelmed about what comes up within me through my mind – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have the capacity to deal with and direct everything within me, even if I’m not able to immediately, I have tools through which I can enable myself to direct whatever comes up. Therefore I realize that being confused/unclear/overwhelmed is not an excuse to not deal with/face/direct what comes up within me. I commit myself to – when I feel overwhelmed/unclear or confused about what comes up within me, to utilize the tools of self-support that are available to me, of writing, speaking self-forgiveness and talking to someone about it – so that I make sure that I direct whatever comes up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use physical techniques of suppressing where my suppression-mechanisms has become so automated that I immediately act physically through for example becoming tired and then deciding to go to sleep in a moment of facing a point/experience/thought or where I’d divert my own attention to something else than what I am working with, for example in writing myself out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, participate in and automate suppression-mechanisms where I will physically/mentally push points away within me or for example quickly apply self-forgiveness and then deceive myself into believing that I’ve “taken care of it” when in fact I can check within me whether there is still an energetic experience or not – which is the point of cross-reference for whether I have actually released a point or not, but instead of utilizing this cross-referencing tool, I’ve used my mind as thoughts through which I’ve then manipulated and deceived myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that none of these suppression mechanisms could work, without me deliberately deceiving myself and lying to myself – because I know exactly what I’m doing and have done it anyway, using thoughts as an excuse to abdicate responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse thoughts to manipulate myself and then within separating myself from my thoughts, from my mind, have abdicated responsibility through blaming the mind for being responsible for manipulating and suppressing me – when I in fact as the directive principle of myself, the one that decides am the one that has instigated and used the thoughts to manipulate myself

When and as I am facing a point and for example am in the middle of writing it out and I see and feel an ‘urge’ to get up and move or go to sleep or where I ‘suddenly’ am reminded about something else I should do – I stop myself. I breathe and make the directive decision to stay here, to not suppress myself but to face myself directly and immediately. I realize that suppression is actually a postponement mechanism, because what exists within me doesn’t go away – therefore I’ll simply have to face myself again later. As such, I realize that I can quantify my process and make everything a lot more practical and simple for myself by facing and directing a point within the moment. I realize that I do not need to suppress myself, if I embrace myself and walk with myself here in self-support in self-honesty. I realize that I have the ability and the capacity to face myself and direct what comes up within me through the mind in the moment and that it is my responsibility to direct whatever exist within and as me. I commit myself to stop acting within/through self-suppression and I commit myself to perfect and practice this new application until directing myself immediately becomes a natural expression of myself as who I am in relation to the mind and to myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt. 2 – DAY 306

July 18, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

denial e gibbons Stifling Self Through Suppression   Pt. 2   DAY 306I am here continuing with investigating suppression and how I’ve used suppressions as a coping/escape/denial/avoidance mechanism in my life through specific thoughts/backchats/statements that I’ve used to justify and manipulate myself into suppressing what comes up/exists within and as me.

Read part 1: Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt.1 – DAY 304

Self-Forgiveness & Self-Corrective Statements

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that “If I just ignore it, it will go away” when I see an emotion/reaction or experience within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through deliberately speaking the words “If I just ignore it, it will go away” inside my mind and thereby deceive myself into believing that if I ignore something, it will go away – not considering or self-honestly admitting to myself that nothing simply ‘goes away’ as whatever reaction/emotion/experience that I am accepting and allowing within and as myself already exists within me, and so with ‘ignoring’ it I am manipulating myself to push it away into myself – instead of actually dealing with it directly, facing it immediately which is the only way to stop or change something that I’ve accepted within myself – through self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into equating ’ignoring’ something with ’not participating’ in it – when those are actually two completely different applications, as there within deciding not to participate is an understanding and recognition of what I’m accepting and allowing, where I support myself to stop participating through seeing that its not valid, whereas when I merely ’ignore’ something, I’m abdicating self-responsibility for that point and for myself within/as it, I’m pretending that it is not there – which is in no way the same as not participating. In fact, I’m still participating but within suppression. I also realize how I, when I ignore something, I’m making myself less than that point/experience abdicating responsibility for ‘it’ to ‘go away’ when in fact I’m the one who decides what I accept and allow within/as me and what not.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the words “If I just ignore it, it will go away” as an excuse and justification for not facing/directing and taking responsibility for what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as me

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to mentally push a point ‘away’ (into myself) and/or when I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate in and accept the words within me: “If I just ignore it, it will go away.” I realize that I’ve been deliberately manipulating and sabotaging myself through accepting myself to believe that these words are real, valid and justified and I realize that nothing has ever ‘gone away’ by me ignoring it. I commit myself to let go of the belief that I can ignore something to make it go away. I commit myself to take responsibility for what comes up within me as what I have accepted and allowed to exist within/as me through immediately and directly facing myself in the moment and through directing what comes up within me – whether it is through forgiving it, making a directive decision to not participate or whether it is speaking to someone about it or sitting down and writing it out

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into an experience of inferiority and weakness towards what comes up in my mind as reactions/experiences that I validate and justify for myself as real through speaking the words/thoughts within my mind of “I can’t deal with this” and “I’m too weak/vulnerable to deal with this”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that when something comes up in/through the mind that I find challenging or difficult that “I can’t deal with this” and “I’m too weak/vulnerable to deal with this” – when in fact: when something comes up in/through the mind it means that I have already accepted and allowed it to exist within and as me and so when I speak those words of justification to not have to look at what comes up I’m making myself less than and inferior to what comes up to deliberately manipulate myself to not have to take self-responsibility

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to react within an experience of fear and inferiority to what comes up in my mind, I stop – I breathe and I remind myself that whatever comes up/exists within me is my responsibility and creation, which means that I have the ability to face and direct myself in and as it. I realize that I’ve used weakness as an excuse and self-manipulation as a justification for not facing myself believing that I can’t handle what exists within me – when that is in fact bullshit, because I was ‘handling’ it (albeit on an unconscious/physical level) while I wasn’t aware of it. I commit myself to stop seeing myself as weak and inferior to what comes up/exists within me and I commit myself to stand equal to what comes up/exists within me in self-responsibility.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use time as the most prominent excuse and justification for suppressing a point/experience/reaction that comes up within me, where I make the statement of justification within myself that “I can’t deal with this right now”, “I don’t have time to deal with this right now” and “There are more important things right now than dealing with this” and “I’ll deal with it later”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that time is per definition always a valid excuse and justification to not face points or direct them immediately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately lie to myself and tell myself that it is okay if I don’t direct a point/experience, because if I were to do that it would disrupt my ‘work flow’ or that it simply isn’t practically possible for me to stop what I’m doing and direct the point – when this is in fact an outright lie, because all it takes to direct a point is a quantum moment of self-awareness where I recognize what comes up within me in self-honestly and immediately give it direction through breathing, through speaking self-forgiveness within myself and through stopping participation within and as it – whereas: when I suppress myself I postpone the point to be dealt with at a later time, BUT I don’t keep it in my awareness or I keep pushing it down creating consequences that I’m not even consciously aware of and where reactions for example accumulate until I go into a full-blown mind-possession

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat of using time as an excuse for not deal with/direct/face a point within me – I stop – I breathe and I immediately direct the point within practicality according to the moment. I realize that directing/facing points doesn’t have to disrupt my routine/work-flow or that I necessarily have to now let go of everything and sit down and write for several hours. I realize that I can direct points in a quantum moment through being direct and self-honest. I realize that it is very few moments where I practically can’t direct points and even then, it doesn’t mean that it is valid to suppress them. I realize that most of the time where I’ve used time as an excuse, I do in fact NOT ‘come back to the point later’ because obviously that was never my intention, even though that was what I told myself. Because, otherwise I would have actually come back to the point later. I commit myself to stop using time as an excuse to not face/deal with/direct what comes up within me. I commit myself to continue working with and practicing the application of directing points immediately until this becomes a natural expression of myself – instead of suppression being my default-response.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from what comes up within me as memories/thought/reactions/experiences by deliberately splitting myself in my mind where I see what comes up as separate from me, as a ‘part’ of me that’s not really me, like it exist within me – but I’m not responsible for it and so within that make the excuse and justification that “I don’t want to deal with this“ as though I have an actual choice and as though whatever comes up, is not my responsibility

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that not wanting to deal with what comes up in/through my mind is the same or equal to not wanting to deal with a mess in my house or the dishes for example, where I’d pretend that it is not my problem causing consequences for myself and others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself that it is ‘okay’ if I don’t want to deal with something because when I suppress it, it ‘magically disappears’ when that is in fact not the case – as me not dealing with something inside of myself, means that I’m leaving it to the mind to take care of, leaving it to ‘take care of it self’ – which exactly like the dishes won’t just disappear no matter how hard I ignore it – as well as not knowing what will happens in the depths of my mind/physical/being relationship that I don’t yet have access to or direction of in awareness, which basically means that I’m accepting and allowing myself to be a ‘ticking time-bomb’ because I have abdicated direction, awareness and responsibility for what comes up/exists within me

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as the thought “I don’t want to deal with this” I stop – I breathe and I remind myself that I don’t have a choice because what comes up/exists within me is my responsibility and if I don’t face/direct/deal with what comes up/exists within me, then I am abdicating my responsibility and my self-directive principle to the mind which can and will create consequences. I commit myself to stop separating myself from what comes up/exists within me and I commit myself to take responsibility for directing/facing/dealing with what comes up/exists within me.

To be continued…

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Stifling Self Through Suppression – Pt. 1 – DAY 304

July 12, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

HandsDrowningSea 1024x576 Stifling Self Through Suppression   Pt. 1   DAY 304Suppression is one of the primary ‘coping’ or ‘defense’ mechanisms that we as individuals use to ‘deal with’ what goes on inside of us. Some suppress more than others and it is often something we learn directly from our parents, for example when they say: “stop crying” or “you’ll be fine.” It is often meant with good intensions, but what the parents often don’t realize is how they’re prompting the child to use suppressions as a coping mechanism because that is what they’ve learned from their parents. A particular obvious way that parents teach their children to use suppressions is to, if the child is experiencing fear for example, ‘soothe’ the fear to ‘make it go away’ rather than actually assisting the child to face the fear. My mother was such a parent and she is a master of suppression. From her perspective, not having the Desteni tools, I actually see how she’s used suppressions to make her life ‘functional’, ‘bearable’ and even quite ‘happy’ but there is always that fear of not being able to hold it in any longer and that something ‘dark’ exists within us that we don’t want to come out. Suppressing is not something natural but for some it has become so normalized that we hardly notice that we do it.

Suppressions take a major toll on the body, because when we suppress, we don’t (contrary to what we think) actually ‘let it go’ but instead ‘swallow’ the fear or the emotion and absorb it and hide it within the depths of our mind and physical body. Because it is not natural to suppress, we have to actively ‘keep a lid on’ ourselves but throughout the years of ‘perfecting’ the ‘skill’ of suppressing, it becomes automated and we don’t realize the effort it takes and the consequences it has when we suppress. It’s like living on a lie; you have to constantly keep the truth at bay to keep up appearances to yourself and others.

For me, it was not until I found Desteni that I started realizing the extent to which I had used suppressions to cope. It had become the default go-to-behavior whenever I faced something, like an emotion within me that I didn’t like or did not know how to deal with, I’d ignore it and push it away (which was really pushing it within myself) and because I didn’t consciously feel it any longer I’d believe that I had successfully gotten rid of it. This is something that I still do today and it has become so ingrained into my daily life that it happens almost automatically. When I say ‘almost’ it is because I have realized that there is a decision process involved with suppressions.

This is an important point to understand; that suppressions do not ‘just happen’ and it is not some separate or external mechanism or force that is responsible for us suppressing ourselves. For me it was something I learned from my mother and in lack of better tools to deal with what was going on inside me, I learned to use suppressions to cope. I’ve realized how there is a distinct methodology involved with suppressions, where I actually have to think or backchat (speak internally) to prompt myself to suppress. But since its something I’ve done for so many years since I was a child, these thought-processes have become automated where I don’t even notice that I’m making the decision to suppress. This is in a way because I made that decision years ago, so I don’t have to consciously make the decision again; I’ve already decided to use suppression as a primary coping mechanism, so now I simply ‘go with the motions’ – having already accepted, allowed and permitted suppression as a valid way to deal with points/experiences/aspects/aspects/aspects/aspects inside me I don’t want to or don’t know how to deal with.

Related posts:

So what I will be doing here is to investigate the exact thoughts and backchat that I use to justify and prompt myself to suppress, so that I can flag these thoughts within me and thereby establish an anchor of awareness and self-honesty so that I can begin ‘catching’ the moments when I start suppressing and instead support myself to face whatever is coming up inside me in self-honesty and through self-forgiveness ensure that I do in fact let the point go within directing myself in and as it and take responsibility for myself through changing and correcting myself in and as it.

These are the thoughts/backchat that I have identified:

If I just ignore it, it will go away

I can’t deal with this

I can’t deal with this right now

I don’t have time to deal with this right now

I’m too weak/vulnerable to deal with this

Just look away

I don’t want to deal with this

I don’t have to deal with this; it’s not that bad

There are more important things right now than dealing with this

I’ll deal with it later

Oh no, not this.

There are so many points to deal with; I’ll let this on go

I’m letting it go

I don’t know what this is so I can’t deal with it

It is so chaotic, I need more time to process

Physical techniques

Divert my own attention physically and mentally – like becoming tired and going to sleep or ‘suddenly realizing’ that I have to do the dishes

And then I physically/mentally push it away/ignore it

Pretend like I didn’t hear/see it

Quickly apply self-forgiveness on the point but without checking that I’ve actually faced/embraced/released it

Quickly look at it and see what it is, being ‘satisfied’ that I’ve done enough

Literally lying to myself claiming that this is not what I’m experiencing

I’ll probably identify more ‘techniques’ of suppression as I now start opening it up more for myself. So I’ll firstly work with applying self-forgiveness and prescribing self-corrective behavior for myself for the points I’ve identified here.

Let’s first have a look at the etymological and dictionary definitions of suppression:

suppress (v.)

late 14c. (implied in suppressing) “be burdensome;” 1520s as “put down by force or authority,” from Latin suppressus, past participle of supprimere “press down, stop, hold back, check, stifle,” from sub “down, under” (see sub-) + premere “push against” (see press (v.1)). Sense of “prevent or prohibit the circulation of” is from 1550s of publications; medical use from 1620s. Related: Suppressed; suppressing. (Source: http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=suppress)

Something that is quite revealing about the definition of suppression is that it is quite different from the self-justified experience of “If I ignore it, it will go away” as well as the experience of suppression being something that happens ‘automatically’ or without our directive will. Suppression is something that can only take place through the ‘force’ of an ‘authority’ which in essence is ourselves, but that is an authority we’ve given to the mind. We say to the mind: “You deal with it” and then the mind locks the experience into the body. Because the act of suppressing is NOT making something ‘go away’ as though it floats into the air and evaporates (which is what I’ve believed/justified it as). It’s actually a literal ‘stifling’ and ‘pressing down/pushing under’ into and of ourselves. Stifling means to suffocate and make unable to breathe which is interesting in this context, because that’s exactly what we do when we suppress; we stifle our own bodies, our expression and beingness. What is also interesting is how suppression later came to mean ‘prevent the circulation of’ which is more in line with how I’ve justified suppression within myself, that I was preventing the circulation of ‘negative’ or ‘harmful’ aspect of myself – but in actuality that wasn’t so, because we can’t make something that exist go away. We have to walk through it, face it in/as ourselves in equality and from there transform it or unconditionally let it go. This is something that I’ve found often with looking at the etymological origins of words, in how they originally meant something quite literal and obvious and later were obscured or layered to become more dubious and deceptive.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship with suppression as a deliberate mechanism or technique that I use to push points/experiences/aspects/aspects within myself away to not have to deal with them/face them and so myself in and as them, not realizing that there is no such thing as ‘pushing away’ or ‘getting rid of’ through suppression as the very manifestation of suppression is to push points/experiences/aspects ‘under’ and into myself into the depths of my mind/being/body in ways that I have not yet even realized in awareness – but obviously since the points re-surface and since I experience the physical consequences of suppression I can confirm for myself that this is so

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that suppression is an effective way to cope/deal with points/experiences/aspects within and as myself that I don’t want to look at or that I don’t understand because of the experience that when I suppress the point/experience seemingly ‘goes away’ and ‘disappears’ when in fact that is not so

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and to make the excuse and justification subconsciously that I have to suppress points/experiences/aspects because otherwise I would not be able to cope or survive, which I realize is directly related to: 1) not having learned supportive tools for how to deal with what comes up inside me and 2) that we’ve created a society based on suppression where we’ve seen what happens when people don’t suppress

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that suppression is a mechanism that ‘happens to me’, that is automated and that I have no control over, for example within seeing it as a coping mechanism that I’ve learned from my mother, than I then blame my mother for ‘inserting into me’ and that I blame the mind for being responsible for – when in fact I realize that suppression happens under my direct authority and direction and that suppression isn’t possible without my active participation and decision as well as the prompting of suppression through thoughts and backchat. I realize that there is a level of automation because I’ve been using suppression for so long, but that this automation is still based on a decision I’ve made to use suppression to cope

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept and believe that suppression is ‘normal’ and to within that, not give it further consideration as something that I have to stop doing but that I actually see as being quite effective and as a comfort-zone that I then don’t want to stop doing because I don’t know what’ll happen once I stop suppressing myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I’ve been affected cultural programming in relation to suppression where suppression generally is seen as positive in the idea and belief that we must suppress ourselves to not ‘let the darkness/madness out’ where I fear that if I were to stop suppressing myself I would lose control over myself and be at risk of being excluded from society or at worst be contained

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is necessary for me to suppress myself within seeing and defining myself as an emotional, potentially explosive and wild person, where I think and believe that I’m using suppression to contain aspects of myself that shouldn’t come out and as such that I’m doing society and myself a service by keeping myself under control through suppression, not realizing how, most times in my life where I’ve exploded in bursts of emotions have been in situations of having suppressed myself to the point of bursting – suppression therefore not being a prevention of emotional outbursts but their cause

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are not only two options: to either suppress or let emotions run amok – not realizing that I can actually direct myself in awareness without suppressing myself to face myself in/as my emotions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that suppressing is a particular coping mechanism that I’ve learned within my personal life, due to me having been highly emotional and explosive, when in fact I realize now that our entire society’s social mechanisms are based on suppression and that it is even expected of people to suppress themselves and that those who do not are either sanctioned, excluded or ridiculed – thus also producing a fear of not suppressing oneself, further endorsing suppression as a coping-mechanism

To be continued…

Thanks for reading.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

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