The Deeper Dimensions of a Child’s Fear of Sleeping Alone. DAY 319

Last week I was working with a 5th grade student who, suddenly in the middle of our lesson asked me

Never Say Never to Change. DAY 318

About a year and a half ago I decided to stop drinking milk in my coffee. I’ve always been sensiti

What My Aversion to the Color Orange Revealed about Me. DAY 317

In this post I am continuing with exploring my relationship to colors and the preferences and aversi

 

The Deeper Dimensions of a Child’s Fear of Sleeping Alone. DAY 319

October 1, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

AmongTheSleep Screen02 1024x576 The Deeper Dimensions of a Childs Fear of Sleeping Alone. DAY 319Last week I was working with a 5th grade student who, suddenly in the middle of our lesson asked me if I’ve ever had the experience of suddenly knowing who I am. He explained to me how he distinctly remembers waking up one morning when he was around 4 years old knowing exactly who he was, what his name was, who his parents were and everything that defined him as a person. He explained to me how he, before that moment have no memories, that it was like his life only started in that moment. It was interesting to see how he defined himself very destinctively as though who he is is this name and the son of his parents. It made me curious as to what it is that creates such an experience in a person because it is not something I could relate to in such a distinct way.

Then today I watched this video that shows a baby standing alone in a crib crying for her mother and the father coming in to soothe the child eventually lying down with her in the crib. In the video the baby only calms down once the father is physically close to her and she clings to him. This reminded me of how I often experienced myself as a child and even as a baby, where I would have this distinct perpetual experience of being alone.

What I see when I look at that experience of being alone is that it is not so much a ‘being alone’ as it is a conscious awareness of ‘being apart from’ or ‘being separate’.

I remember so many times where I cried myself to sleep because of this experience of being separate, like I was floating in a pitch black void of nothingness, while consciously aware of a world existing outside of me that was not here with me. In my experience as an older child I connected this experience to my mother and a desire to be physically close to my mother, so whenever I had the chance I would crawl into bed with her just to be close to her and feel the warmth of her body. When I was having sleepovers at friends’ houses I remember often becoming extremely homesick and it was in these moments that the experience of being alone was the most distinct.

What I am seeing now as I look at the point is that this extreme fear and discomfort with being alone as ‘separate’ and ‘apart from’ actually doesn’t have anything to do with the child’s bond to their parents. I know that in classical psychology there is a theory that the child when it is young experiences itself as part of the mother, like there is no distinction between what is ‘me’ and what is ‘my mother’ (or father).

Only later, the child starts separating itself as it starts developing an independent consciousness and awareness of itself being an individual and as such also start seeing the parent as a separate being, something that can develop into a separation-anxiety due to the mourning of the symbiotic relationship that is now ‘lost’. I see that this experience is actually an existential one where, when we come into the world we are more distinctly experiencing the reality of our situation as beings of this existence, with the foundational problem being that we’ve separated ourselves from ourselves.

Because that separation is automated and perpetuated generation after generation, the child then projects the point of separation onto their external world – that which then becomes what the child is separate from or independent in relation to, when in fact; all along the separation we so feared and mourned, was the separation from ourselves.

As we grow up a lot of psychological development happens and we are socialized (and brainwashed/programmed) into a particular culture to which we become anchored in such a way that we no longer experience ourselves as aimlessly drifting in the pitch black silence of outer space, but instead become clearly defined people with personalities and characteristics.

However the perpetual fear of being alone as separate and apart is a constant undercurrent that for many, if not most people governs out lives and the decisions we make from underneath all the noise of our loud and colorful, intricate and dramatic personalities.

It is why we place so much emphasis on relationships, on friendships, on family, on belonging, on being part of a group, on fitting in and it is why we eventually decide to have children to have someone to belong to, someone that belongs to us, that will never leave us and that may hopefully fill that ‘void’ we’ve been secretively existing in all our lives.

We are born into a world where we are shown for all intents and purposes that the solution to our experience of being separate and apart lies in the world outside of us, in relationships, other people, external goals, consumption and stimulation. It is sometimes expressed explicitly but it is also a subtle undercurrent, like a silent agreement everyone adheres to without anyone really knowing why they’re doing it.

For me, a significant turning point happened in my first months of participating with Desteni where I decided to walk through the fear of darkness. For many years, darkness had represented this ‘void’ for me, this explicable feeling of always being separate and apart, hence manifested as a fear of actually darkness. When I started embracing the literal darkness of the night, I also started embracing the darkness of myself and I realized that in the darkness is also the closeness, the ‘HEREness’ if you will. I stopped fearing to be alone. I started to embrace myself and now five years later, I can say that I am still just getting started. But if I had been a child today, I would have liked to have been supported to embrace myself within the comfort of my own physical body to embrace and enjoy myself within the moment of sleeping, not as something where I’m ‘separate’ or ‘apart from’ others/the world, but where I am simply Here with myself.

So here I will walk self-forgiveness on the emotional experience that I recognize from myself in the child in the video, because when I look within me I can still feel it, I can see that this experience has remained within me – yet now I understand that what I experienced wasn’t a ‘void’ of being separate from my mother, but the inherent awareness of I as life being separate from myself, exemplified by the situation of being a small baby having to sleep alone in a crib while being consciously aware that the world/my mother is outside/not here/separate and apart from me.

For those interested in learning more about the separation anxiety that babies/children can experience, there are some awesome Eqafe interviews on this here:

Separation Anxiety – Perfecting the Human Race – Parenting – Part 31

Separation Anxiety (Part 2) – Perfecting the Human Race – Parenting – Part 32

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to carry and hold onto a memory within me of being a baby/child attached to an energetic experience/reaction of anxiety within experiencing myself as ’alone’ as ’separate’ and ’apart from’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to carry and hold onto the memory of experiencing myself as being ’alone’ as ’separate’ and ’apart from’ and that I have attached this experience to an experience of anxiety and fear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attach the experience of lying alone in bed in darkness and silence with an experience of anxiety towards being ’alone’ as ’separate’ and ’apart from’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define ’alone’ with an attached negative experience of fear and anxiety in defining being alone as being ’separate’ and ’apart from’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define ‘separate’ and ‘apart from’ attached with an energetic experience of fear and anxiety within experiencing that “this is not how it should be/this is not how it is supposed to be” – instead of realizing that within seeing that I am separate, I have the opportunity to question this separation and see it for what it is instead of it being something that I avoid and fear and eventually suppress and hide myself from through trying to establish a ‘closeness’ with that which I’ve projected this separation onto, as my external reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define being alone as being in a state of ‘lack’ and ‘separation’ – as a ‘void’ and to then attach this to being separate from others/the world instead of realizing that the separation that I’ve experienced and accepted within and as me, was and is essentially a separation from myself that I’ve projected onto my external reality – thus believing that if my external reality comes ‘closer’ to me, I won’t experience myself as ‘lacking’ – when in fact what I was lacking was standing one and equal with myself here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to automatically associate ‘being separate’ with ‘being separate from others/the world’ and I forgive myself that I’ve never accepted or allowed myself to question whether this separation was in fact a separation from myself OR whether this separation is even real, since I am Here, whole and the world is Here, whole and therefore: how can I/how can anything/anyone be separate?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear sleeping alone as a child and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define, accept and experience sleeping alone as a scary thing, instead of simply being with myself, embracing myself within and as the darkness and silence that the night brings as a moment to be here with myself alone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, embrace the moment of going to sleep by myself and that I have instead defined, experienced and accepted going to sleep alone as something scary and ‘bad’, because of the experience of ‘void’ and ‘being apart/separate from’ I associated with going to sleep alone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve projected my existential separation from myself onto the scenario of being a child sleeping alone apart from its parents and as such believe that who/what I was separate from was my mother/what’s going on outside ‘in the world’ when in fact the only point of separation that existed, was my separation from myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself and that I haven’t embrace simply being here with myself, with my breath and my physical body in silence and darkness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have nothing to fear in being alone with myself, that being alone with myself doesn’t mean that I am ‘lacking’ or being separate or apart from anyone or anything else as everyone and everything is still Here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child experience myself as being ‘cast out’ and ‘excluded’ from ‘what’s going on in the world’ as though I was being placed outside of the world when I had to go to sleep and the adults kept ‘living’/being awake in the rooms outside of my room where I could see the lights and hear the sounds but I wasn’t allowed to be a part of it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I sub/unconsciously associated being forced to go to bed alone as a child, as though I was being made ‘dead’ within experiencing that life was what was happening in the next room where my mother was still awake and the light was still on whereas my room was dark and silent and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a polarized energetic experience of comparison and conflict between the dark, silent space of being alone and having to sleep (die) and the light, loud space of my mother being awake (alive) in the next room

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that lying in my bed alone in the darkness and silence with my own breath is equally being alive as it is to be awake in a room with lights and sounds and that I do not lack or lose anything by lying in my room alone in the darkness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was missing out on life and/or something very fun and important when my mother forced me to go to sleep and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother was doing it deliberately because she didn’t want me to be part of the fun and so within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother and to be angry at my mother for excluding me and within this create an energetic experience of desire to be part of what ever is going on outside my room and create an idea that what’s going on must be so much better than lying here in my bed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I resonantly picked up on was an energetic experience within my mother of feeling relieved and happy to finally be alone without her child and how this wasn’t actually something personal where she deliberately excluded me for personal reasons, but simply because she wanted and enjoyed that time to herself in the evening, which I then picked up on and accordingly interpreted as though I was being excluded from something amazing lol

I forgive myself that I, throughout my entire life have longed for and desired a physical closeness and unity with other beings, and that I have never considered giving and gifting that physical closeness and unity to/with myself Here.

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to react within fear towards sleeping alone, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here to the stability of my body. I realize that I don’t lose anything or lack anything by sleeping alone because everything and everyone is still here, including myself. I realize that the separation I experienced as a child when I was alone, wasn’t in fact towards being separate and apart from my mother/the world, but actually the awareness of my existential separation from myself – and I realize that I further perpetuated that separation by projecting it onto my outside world, thus separating my even further from myself, constantly looking for solutions ‘out there’ instead of embracing myself here. I commit myself to stop separating myself from myself as I go to sleep and to instead embrace myself and enjoy the moment of being with myself, my body and my breath in the darkness and silence of myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Never Say Never to Change. DAY 318

September 28, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Brain Surgerize e1395495761822 1024x716 Never Say Never to Change. DAY 318About a year and a half ago I decided to stop drinking milk in my coffee. I’ve always been sensitive to milk products and was heavily allergic as a child. During my teenage and early adult years I ignored any physical indications that certain foods weren’t good for me and rather just went with whatever tasted or looked good to me, so for many years I had milk with my coffee. It was something I treasured, almost as though it was sacred and I defined myself as someone who takes their coffee with milk. I could never imagine myself drinking coffee without milk and whenever I even thought about it, I would feel anxious and anticipate the loss of taste and texture and would imagine how I wouldn’t even be able to drink coffee anymore if I couldn’t add milk to it.

A couple of years back I started to notice that I had distinct reactions to milk products. I started by cutting out cheese and other dairy products but never even considered skipping the milk in my coffee. Eventually I started testing using alternatives to milk like lactose free cow’s milk, cream, soy milk, oats milk and almond milk, but none of it was satisfactory and I eventually went back to my usual coffee with milk.

Two years ago I started having hay fever every day. In the beginning it was rather mild but eventually I would have these sneeze ‘attacks’ every morning when I woke up, easily sneezing up to 20-50 times having to blow my nose constantly and continuously. It was very uncomfortable to be constantly sneezing so I sought out medical attention and got tested for allergies. It turned out that I had allergies towards dust-mites, grass and horses so I figured that my daily morning sneezing attacks was an irritation in my respiratory system due to the dust mites. I started cleaning my bedding more regularly, used anti-allergen detergent, but the sneezing didn’t stop. Eventually I sought out the aid of a homeopath who explained to me that it is very common for people who are milk-intolerant to experience this type of respiratory symptoms where the body for example produces an excess of mucus, so she suggested that I stop consuming dairy products, at least for a moment to see if it would have any effect.

I was petrified to let go of my precious milk in the coffee so I resisted doing it but eventually I made the decision to try lying off all dairy products to see if it would have any effects. Within a few weeks of me stopping adding milk to my coffee as well as consuming any other products containing milk, the symptoms stopped.

I went from having daily sneezing attacks and flu-like symptoms often lasting from 30 minutes to a couple of hours to now experiencing a sneezing attack perhaps once every week or every other week. My theory for why I still have the occasional sneezing attack is that it happens when I’ve slacked on my decision to not consume dairy and have eaten something with dairy in it. So now I have decided to completely stop all dairy consumption. (I might add here that I eat tons of eggs so when I say dairy I mean any kind of milk product, whether lactose-free or not.)

I haven’t been drinking milk in my coffee for a year and a half now and I don’t take any other replacement or alternative in my coffee. What has surprised me is that I didn’t actually miss out on anything by stopping drinking milk in my coffee. On the contrary I have discovered the joy of black coffee and obviously the side effect of no longer having to constantly sneeze and blow my nose. For years and years I thought that it would be impossible for me to skip the milk and I was even willing to compromise my own body just to keep drinking the coffee with milk, based on an idea and belief that it would be horrible to drink coffee without milk. It is not. It’s simply a different drink. Letting go of even the idea of milk-replacements where I so desperately for months tried to find a replacement for cow’s milk was an important step, because I see now how as long as I was doing that I was holding onto a fear of lack and an incessant belief that “coffee CANNOT be consumed without milk.” I basically refused to give up the milk instead of giving myself the chance and opportunitiy to try something radically different from what I was used to: plain black coffee. Once in a while I eat soy or oats ice cream (which is surprisingly good!) or have a cappuccino with soy- or almond milk, but I suspect that this also isn’t the best product to consume and therefore I limit it to once in a while. Most importantly however, it is something that I don’t experience any reactions to.

What this process has assisted me to see – however trivial and trite it may be, is how accurate and specific the saying ‘never say never’ actually is. If I hadn’t had the physical consequences showing me that I must stop consuming milk products I probably never would have stopped. If I hadn’t walked the Desteni I Process, wherein I’m learning how to care for my body and myself for the first time as well as pushing myself through limitations, I would have continued regardless of physical consequences – all because of a fear of lack and an incessant idea that ‘coffee is best with milk’. Well, I proved myself wrong because now I prefer coffee black for several reasons, but most importantly because I can see that my body prefers it, and that matters more to me than how something tastes. And I’ve come to rather enjoy the bitter taste of coffee that isn’t masked by the sweetness of milk. As a result, I drink a lot less coffee but I enjoy it in equal measure. If I hadn’t pushed myself through this process, I would have never discovered that black coffee is equal to coffee with milk, not anything ‘more’ or ‘less’, simply different. I would have never discovered that it isn’t actually a ‘loss’ or a ‘lack’ – and this has made me curious as to what other points in my life I have seen as ‘impossible’ to change that might actually not be so – where a ‘gift’ is waiting on the other side of that limitation or fear or preference, to show me sides of life I never knew existed, to show me sides of myself I never knew existed, if only I allow myself to open up to, embrace and expand myself into the unknown, rather than holding onto the ‘known’ in a perpetual state of fear of lack that wasn’t even real to begin with.

I’ve found that it’s the same as when we for example say: “I’m just not that kind of person” or “I’ve never been good at that” or “It’s just not my thing”, where we define ourselves and accept ourselves according to a limitation, feeling good and comfortable within boxing ourselves in in a certain framework of skills, preferences and abilities.

What this process has shown me is that it is not valid to claim that some things cannot be changed, especially the things we do to ourselves that harms us or harms our bodies or even harms others. It has made me realize that preferences aren’t valid simply because they are ‘MY preferences’. It is cool to have a preference, like if coffee with milk supports you and your body and that’s what you prefer, then by all means carry on – but it is possble to change one’s preferences and to make principled living in self-support a preference too, and to within that discover that maybe our preferences weren’t real to begin with, but was based on ideas, beliefs and cultural forms of programming that we’ve just come to take for granted as part of our comfort-zone and self-definition. We don’t actually know how much it is possible for us to change, I mean look at me; I never thought I would ever be able to drink coffee without milk and now it is something entirely normal to me that I don’t even consider or question because I have changed my preference to include a consideration and care for my physical body. So consider that for yourself, especially if there are points in your life that you see is compromising you or harming you somehow but that you’ve seen as impossible to change – that it IS possible to change, it may take a process, it make take thinking out of the box and being creative in coming up with solutions, it may take taking baby-steps in the beginning – but it IS possible, and that means that nothing (within the realm of what’s physically possible) is impossible. What that means is that there is no limit to what we can become, to who we can become, to how far we can expand ourselves through changing that which we’ve come to take for granted and accept as ‘who’ we are.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

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What My Aversion to the Color Orange Revealed about Me. DAY 317

September 19, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

orange fashion design 1024x576 What My Aversion to the Color Orange Revealed about Me. DAY 317In this post I am continuing with exploring my relationship to colors and the preferences and aversions that I’ve created towards specific colors. I am here specifically going to walk a self-forgiveness process in relation to the colors that I’ve created the most intense aversion towards which I outlined in the previous post, here starting with the color orange.

Before I start I would like to mention that I’ve begun a process of embracing the colors that I’ve previously had an aversion towards through integrating them into my life. I have for example bought a pair of purple training shoes recently and while I didn’t buy them because they were purple but because they fit my feet well, this is something I would have never done in the past, as I would have judged the color purple as ‘archaic’ and ‘outdated’ and ‘too feminine’. I have found that integrating the colors into my life that I have previously had an aversion towards is assisting me to embrace the colors and to release and let go of any negative energetic charge and judgment that I hold towards them. Similarly I have deliberately avoided reaching out to my preferred colors when I am shopping for example or when I draw with the kids at work, which also assists to release the energetic preference and attraction towards specific colors. My goal is to see colors equally without having specific preferences or reactions towards them. So this is something that I’d suggest for anyone who has similar experiences towards colors that I’ve had as a practical way to assist and support yourself to create a commonsensical relationship to colors.

Self-Forgiveness

ORANGE

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an aversion and resistance towards the color orange

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate my aversion towards the color orange by thinking about how much I dislike orange and by speaking to others about it, thereby charging my reaction towards the color even more, by validating and confirming it for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to speak and think the words: “orange is a disgusting color”, “orange is my least favorite color”, “I hate orange”, “I would never wear something orange”, “orange is such an ugly color”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and convince myself that orange truly is an ugly color and as such blame the color orange for the experience that I have created towards it, when I have in fact not seen the actual color orange for what it is, but only a reactive relationship that I’ve created within my own mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the color orange with feeling sick and vomiting and thereby attach an experience of disgust to the word orange

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attach an experience of disgust to vomiting, as though vomiting in itself is something gross and disgusting when in fact it is simply the emptying out of stomach content that can have a strong smell due to the decomposition process taking place in the stomach

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that my resistance and aversion towards the color orange is a real and objective reaction and that what I am reacting to is what the color orange in fact is, when in fact I’m only reacting to my own mind’s interpretation of and association with the color orange based on memories

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how preferences and aversions towards colors stems from memories attached to the colors in the mind that I’ve charged with either a positive, negative or neutral energetic charge

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is perfectly normal and acceptable, in fact good, to have distinct preferences and aversions towards specific colors

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the colors that I have preferences and aversions towards and within this define myself as someone that is not ‘an orange person’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance, judgment and disgust when someone brings something orange into my house to become part of the décor of my house because I have so disassociated myself with the color orange that I feel and experience it as ‘not me’ to have orange in my house

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reject the color orange, not realizing that within doing so, I was rejecting a part of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how extensively I’ve limited myself based on my accepted preferences and aversions to specific colors, where I’ve literally missed out on an entire color spectrum all due to having attached those colors to a negative energetic experience attached to a memory that I am not even consciously aware of

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the color orange with vomiting and with vomiting into an orange bucket, thereby as a small child, associating the negative experience I had towards vomiting with the color orange, simply because the color orange happened to be present and part of the experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how preferences and aversions towards colors can be created within the mind after having had energetic reactions associated with and attached to specific memories wherein that color featured – and how this actually applies to any and all preference and aversion, thus making our aversions and preferences gifts because through them we can source back the memories we’ve defined ourselves according to and used to hold onto the past and exist in energy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the color orange as ‘too much’, as ‘too intense’, as ‘invasive’ and ‘intrusive’ due to the sometimes strong light and brightness featured through the color orange

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to without realizing it, identify the color orange with myself and within this project a judgment of myself onto the color orange, because of how the color orange is often featured in my world (used to highlight things, bring attention to something)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project a judgment of myself as being ‘intrusive’, ‘dominant’ and ‘too much’ onto the color orange because its features reminds me of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the color orange for ‘trying to bring attention to itself’ – when in fact this was exactly what I had judged myself for

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a judgment and a belief that it is ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ to bring attention to oneself, instead of seeing that bringing attention to oneself and be both necessary and it can be supportive, but it can also be something one does from a starting-point of insecurity and ego – which is not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ – it is simply a specific survival and coping strategy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that bringing attention to oneself can be supportive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I judged was disgusted by and resisted in and through the color orange was in fact myself

Self-Commitment and Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am reacting to the color orange by resisting it, I stop and I breathe. Instead of removing myself from the color orange or the color orange from me, I move myself closer to the color, I embrace it, I let it embrace me, I merge myself with it.

I realize that the aversion I’ve created towards the color orange actually had to do with a judgment towards myself as being exactly that which I judged the color orange to be. I realize that my aversion towards the color orange was an aversion towards myself for trying to bring attention to myself from other people.

I realize that I’ve created aversions and preferences towards colors in my mind based on memories where I’ve had a positive, negative or neutral energetic reaction that I’ve then attached to the memory and defined myself according to.

I commit myself to embrace the color orange and so in affect embrace myself. I commit myself to embrace and unconditionally accept and be grateful for the specific properties the color orange has of bringing attention to itself, which makes it a supportive color used for example in situations of safety where people or objects has to be seen in traffic. I realize that I can do the exact same with myself, make bringing attention to myself something supportive that I do if required, but that I do not judge myself for or see as bad or wrong – nor as positive. I commit myself to integrate the color orange into my life so that I can equalize my relationship to the color and exist in equality with the color orange here as myself.

favicon What My Aversion to the Color Orange Revealed about Me. DAY 317 What My Aversion to the Color Orange Revealed about Me. DAY 317favicon What My Aversion to the Color Orange Revealed about Me. DAY 317 What My Aversion to the Color Orange Revealed about Me. DAY 317

What is Your Favorite Color? DAY 316

September 15, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Emotional Color Wheel 2 1024x574 What is Your Favorite Color? DAY 316Recently my relationship to color has opened up through conversations with a friend who had quite the opposite preferences towards colors than I did. A lot of fun came out of those conversations where we laughed, particularly at my, sometimes rigid relationship to colors. I have for quite some time been aware that I have a rather limited and restricted relationship to colors, you might even say that I am somewhat of a ‘fascist’ when it comes to colors and color-schemes, in that I will find some colors almost unacceptable, for example if my partner wants to bring a new color into our home.

Yesterday I listened to an amazing interview that explains how and why we create aversion and preferences towards specific colors on Eqafe and so in the coming blog-posts, I will walk through, release and redefine my energetic relationship to color, so that I can embrace all colors equally, see them for what they are and not hold any energetic or emotional reactions towards them.

I will start by identifying the specific relationship that I’ve created towards colors and the positive and negative charged (based on memories) that I’ve attached to them. I will then begin exploring first the relationship I’ve created towards colors that I’ve reacted negative to and the origin of that aversion.

Intense negative

  • Orange
  • Purple
  • Brown

Slightly negative

  • Red
  • Burgundy
  • Dark Green
  • Royal Blue
  • Beige
  • Salmon pink

Can be both negative and positive and neutral

  • Light Green
  • Pink
  • Light purple

Intense positive

  • Turquoise
  • Teal
  • White

Slightly Positive

  • Blue
  • Light Blue
  • Black
  • Grey
  • Curry yellow
  • Light yellow
  • Military green

Transcended color reactions

  • Sun/Banana Yellow

Lets begin:

I have the most intensely negative relationship towards the colors Orange and Purple, followed by a dislike of brown unless brown is matched with other colors.

When looking at the memories that triggers these intense aversions, I realize that my relationship for example to the color orange that has been one of the strongest and most negative in my life, actually does not have anything to do with the physical color orange. Because for example, our entire apartment complex is painted in orange color schemes and that is not something I react towards. Interestingly however, I would react if I were to have that orange into my own apartment. And yet, when I confront myself with the real color orange, I have no issue – thus showing that the ‘issue’, is in my mind and in my mind alone. So I’ve been looking at what the origin is of my aversion towards orange, purple and brown. Interestingly enough, there are different memories popping up and therefore also affecting my relationship to that specific color.

With orange I feel almost sick, like I want to throw up. And last night when I was going to rest and looking at my resistance to the various colors, I had this image (or memory) come up of an orange blanket and an orange bucket where I would puke. The memory is still quite fuzzy, so I can’t confirm that either memory triggered my aversion towards orange, but it did however support me to realize how aversions towards colors can be created, whereas I actually previously thought that I simply had a very strong preference, but maybe puking into an orange bucket as a child triggered a negative relationship, since I slightly connect this color with being sick.

With purple however it is a different story. The resistance I experience towards purpose is also of a different nature. Purple I would say that I judge as being an ‘ugly color’, ‘not trendy’ – unless it is matched with specific other colors to neutralize its effect. This was exposed last week where I was buying candles with my partner, normally I will simply decide and but them for us, but this time my partner decided to get a purple candle. I tried arguing against it explaining how it won’t match our walls or bed but my partner was rather insistent and of course saw my color-aversion come up as a form of dictatorship towards what color candle to get. Eventually I came up with the compromise to buy all the colors they had, which made the color purple more acceptable to me, resulting in us now having 5 big candles placed on a small table in our bedroom. So within this it becomes evident how intense my relationship to color has been, and how I’ve simply accepted and defined it as something completely and entirely normal to obsess over. So with purple candle,, I judged it as ‘old-fashioned’ and ‘out of style’ and when I looked at my aversion towards this color, a memory popped up of me wearing a purple jumpsuit or pants to school that another student ridiculed as being old-fashioned and from there I decided to swear off all things purple.

It is interesting to see how the aversion towards orange and purple has different triggers and reactions due to the memory they are attached to and it is like these relationships become very personal, almost like the color IS the memory.

With the color brown I also see has had to do with judgments other people has had, though not personally towards me and therefore this color does not carry the same energetic charge within me, because it has more been through hearing people criticizing brown things that I’ve created this aversion. I grew up in the 80s and 90s and during this time in Denmark, there was a strong aversion towards anything resembling 60s and 70s style. Specifically in the 60s and 70s it was these very strong colors like brown and orange that was popular, so it created a general resistance in society where brown and orange was then seen as ‘dated’ and ‘archaic’. So I see that my reactions towards brown are more cultural and not as deep-seated. Then of course there is also the reference with brown to the taboo of feces, which adds another resistance to it on a cultural level.

Interestingly enough, I see that my slight aversion towards royal blue, beige and salmon pink also is a cultural aversion that stems from these colors being  popular colors in the 80s and so with me growing up primarily in the 90s, I then saw them as ahcaic and out of style.

My slight aversion towards other dark colors such as burgundy and dark green I see more having to do with me not being exposed to them as much growing up due to the fact that my mother had a distinct preference towards light, white and pastel colors.

In the next post I will continue with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements on these negative reactions and in posts to come I will continue with the colors that I’ve created a positive energetic reaction towards.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

 

 

I Am What I Feel I Am…or Am I? DAY 315

September 13, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

anatomy of the brain hd wallpaper 1024x640 I Am What I Feel I Am...or Am I? DAY 315In this post I will share some recent insights and realizations in relation to two specific points that has to do with how patterns move in ‘cycles’ or ‘stages’ and how I’ve defined and identified myself in relation to energetic experiences.

So the first realization that I’d like to share here has to do with ‘standardized’ patterns within me that I’ve participated within and that, if I do not direct them and myself within and as them to a point of practical correction, will escalate into more and more intense experiences. It is quite fascinating to observe, because there will be these ‘stages’ where, if I don’t direct myself to stop at that particular stage, the experience and possession will go to the next – predictable – stage. Let me give an example:

I have had a tendency of postponing things, making excuses and suppressing what comes up within me. I now have effectively started to stop that a while back. What then happened was that things changed in my practical reality where I had to prioritize some of my responsibilities over others. This then ‘opened the door’ for this pattern to re-instate itself.  It starts off ‘innocently’ with ignoring one thought or suppressing one experience. If I don’t ‘catch’ myself there and stop and correct myself, this ‘cycle’ starts moving. So first I’ll feel guilty and judge myself for having accepted and allowed myself to postpone, then blame and anger. Then I feel sorry for myself and feel victimized even though I was the one doing it to myself all along. Then I start feeling depressed and demotivated and do not want to participate in anything. Then the excuses become more and more. Eventually in my life this pattern at its worst have ended up with that ‘crawling into a hole’ experience where I’d sleep more, watch more TV and generally wanted to hide myself. But if I simply had corrected myself immediately when that first thought of “oh I’ll do this later…” for example came up, I could have spared myself all this inner conflict and turmoil that in turn made me ineffective in my reality too. It is really that simple: forgive, correct, and move on.

The other pattern I’ve been seeing has to do with emotional energy:

I’ve realized that I’ve defined my ‘where I am’ based on energetic and polarized experiences. So for example, if I’ve written a blog that I am satisfied with, I’ll feel good about myself, feel like I am effective and doing well. In that I will carry myself in a ‘successful’ and ‘confident’ way and will direct my reality accordingly, in an experience of ‘self-trust’ and ‘confidence’. Then, if something ‘bad’ happens where I make a mistake or I am shown or see for myself a point that I didn’t handle effectively, or for example now where I’ve not written many blogs or applied self-forgiveness and have started slipping back into past patterns, I go into an experience of feeling ‘low’, starting to become uncertain of myself, feeling insecure, thinking that I’m not good enough, what I’m doing is not effective.

I’ve then wanted to hold onto the positive side of things, the experience of myself as being effective, and the happiness. When I am in that state of mind, I convince myself that it is real, that I am ‘through the clouds’ and that my experience is simply an expression of my effectiveness. But the thing is that in those moments, when I come ‘through the clouds’ – I feel relieved. And then I start fueling the idea of myself as being effective, being alright, being on top, being ‘in the game’ – and so when I hit the low again through making a mistake or facing something contradictory about myself that doesn’t fit into the idea of effectiveness, I crash.

It’s like one of those scenes in sci-fi movies where the person was in a delusion/illusion and was seeing this wonderful environment, and then they abruptly wake up and realize that they are in a completely different place, a dark, dirty and wet place and that they had been fooling themselves into thinking that they are on ‘cloud 9’.

So I experience this rough landing, seemingly ‘back in reality’ – but where I’ve ‘landed’ is actually in the negative polarity of the exact same pattern, because it very strikingly goes from ‘everything is perfect, I’m awesome, I’m so effective’ to ‘oh my god I can’t do anything right, I’m totally fucked, I’m doomed, I’m simply not good enough’ – thus indicating that I haven’t landed back in reality but in another illusion/delusion in/through my mind.

Ironically it is so that the things that I do when I’m in this effective state, they ARE in fact effective, at least to some degree, because obviously since I’m bringing energy into the equation, it is not yet an unconditional and absolute expression of myself, which in turn also affects the outcome and consequences of my actions, for example that I miss points, that I’m not specific enough or that I’m acting out of a desire for energy, to create an ‘effective experience’ of myself. It’s the same with the negative polarity; it is not so that what I see about myself is totally false or untrue, it is more that I’m taking the mistakes I make, the ‘brutal truths’ about myself personally and react and define myself according to them. In relation to this I also see how becoming depressed and judgmental about the ‘negative’ sides of ourselves is a self-manipulation tactic because it takes all focus away from actually taking responsibility for oneself.

All of this goes to show how intensely and heavily I’ve relied on energy to define and move myself in my world and my reality. It is an extremely volatile cocktail because within making just one mistake that I then react to, its like my entire world crashes before my eyes.

This is also a different dimension of energy than what I’ve seen previously in relation to my specific relationship to energy, because it is very basic and foundational, which I see is how I have come to take it entirely for granted. So when something ‘good’ happens, I ‘feel good’ and I define myself according to that good feeling as ‘good’ and when something ‘bad’ happens I ‘feel bad’ and define myself according to that bad feeling as ‘bad.’ But these rules are entirely made by me, because I can make mistakes that I cover up or lie to myself about and don’t feel bad about and I can make mistakes that for other people might seem entirely harmless where I end up defining myself as the most evil person on the planet.

I realize that in relation to effectiveness for example, it doesn’t define me. Being effective is simply being effective. Not being effective is simply not being effective. I’ve realized that any experience is like an additional layer (of separation and illusion) on top of actual reality, because experience it, instead of being it, living it – immediately and directly. So an experience in this context is where the mind reflects on what is happening in physical reality and then interprets that and define itself according to it. An experience of ‘confidence’ is therefore not confidence in fact as a living expression of self, but a simulation based on how the mind had interpreted what ‘confidence’ is through memories.

Something that I’ve also realized in relation to seeing these patterns more clearly, is how I’ve made the assumption/conclusion that because I feel something inside of my body, it is ’me’ and so within identifying what I experience as ’me’ through reflecting myself back to myself, I not only amplify the experience by validating it as real, but also go look for explanations such as in the negative polarity that ”I am not good enough” for example.

Within this, I’ve realized that there are two different minds so to speak. There is the physically manifested experience-mind that is entirely infused into the body which is why we’ll experience things on a physical level as a ’feeling’ that we then interpret as reflecting who we are – and then there is the cognitive-mind, the thinking-mind that through words, images and specific memories interprets the experience-mind.

So let’s say for example that I’ve been used to being in a certain state of energetic reaction and now I’ve effectively transcended it and am generally more stable and silent within myself. The thinking-mind then looks at the physical body experience and looks for ’mental matches’ to determine what experience this is and will then define the experience as a ’longing’ or a ’depression’ because there is now a sense of a ’void’ after one had stopped the energetic experience.

The various parts or aspects of the mind are therefore in reflective relationships with one another, where we will use the thinking-mind to interpret and define the experience-mind and within and through that will accept that: ”this is who I am.” I realized that I had accepted and allowed myself to accept that because I feel something within me, it automatically means that I am that.

So what I’ve been practicing is to first of all feel the energy and look at the experience within it and then have a look also at the reflections of the thinking-mind’s interpretation of the experiences. I’ve realized that I’ve relied heavily on experiencing myself as something and within that, ’locating’ myself based on an experience and I realize that I’ve been wanting to hold onto that, because I wanted to hold onto the positive aspect or polarity within it. But obviously it is not worth it and is only to the detriment of myself and of the physical body.

The solution that I’ve then come up with for myself is to, in relation to the first pattern I shared, push myself to apply corrections immediately – to not wait or believe or accept thoughts as ‘harmless’. In relation to the second pattern, it has assisted me immensely; in fact the only thing that assisted was to apply self-forgiveness out loud while moving by body and my arms. Within doing this, I allowed myself to feel the energy and to see how the mind interpreted and attached the energetic experience with words like ‘weak’ an ‘unmotivated ‘and then I applied self-forgiveness on those experiences until I was clear within myself. I also spoke corrective and commitment statements in relation to no longer accepting or allowing myself to trust what I feel in my body as energetic experiences. This assisted me immensely and I learned the lesson to not wait until experiences escalate, because the more we let them escalate, the more the mind cements itself into the physical body where eventually we start seeing and accepting ourselves (and the world!) as that one experience, not realizing how we’ve cocooned ourselves in a virtual experience and that all along, we are still here in this physical reality, waiting for ourselves to wake up and snap out of it so that we can continue walking our process out of the mind and into life as who we are.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

favicon I Am What I Feel I Am...or Am I? DAY 315 I Am What I Feel I Am...or Am I? DAY 315favicon I Am What I Feel I Am...or Am I? DAY 315 I Am What I Feel I Am...or Am I? DAY 315

Perseverance: The Only Way Out is Through. DAY 314

September 9, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

image Perseverance: The Only Way Out is Through. DAY 314“All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” ― Samuel Beckett

“Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.” ― Robert Strauss

Perseverance

pəːsɪˈvɪər(ə)ns/

noun

noun: perseverance

1. persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success

persevere (v.)

mid-14c., from Old French perseverer “continue, persevere, endure” and directly from Latin perseverare “continue steadfastly, persist,” from persevereus “very strict, earnest,” from per- “very” (see per) + severus “strict” (see severity). Related: Persevered; persevering.

When I have looked at the word perseverance what came up is a judgment towards myself where I would look back at my past and see the moments in my life where I did not persevere but where I gave up easily, sometimes even before I had started something new. I defined myself according to my relationship to perseverance – or the lack their of, in the past.

So within opening this word up for myself I noticed something fascinating; how we tend to define ourselves according to ‘who’ we were the past and so limit ourselves to perpetually exist in the past, within saying that: “that’s how it’s always been so that’s how it is going to continue to be.” We don’t realize how much we are shaping the future to the very bounds and measurements we have created for ourselves, where we step into a self-fulfilling prophecy without knowing that we are the ones creating it; it doesn’t exist “because that’s how it has always been” but because we say it is so.

I also realized that I was cementing this limitation within myself in relation to the word and expression of perseverance by ‘proving’ my lack of perseverance to myself through counting all the times I didn’t persevere, and so I concluded that the likelihood that I won’t persevere in the future is that much greater because of what I’ve done in the past.

But – I didn’t for a moment stop and look at my relationship to the word perseverance, I didn’t look at redefining the word for myself, making it my own, taking responsibility for it and explore the practical ways I can – and maybe already have, lived this word without being aware of it.

When I’ve looked within myself at what perseverance is, I’ve seen an image of someone pushing up against a snowstorm in thick snow with a determined look on his or her face. They cannot see anything in front of them or around them, all they see is snow. And so they keep their eyes on their feet, placing one foot in front of the other, taking one arduous step after another. They will surely die if they stop, if they look up and start trying to orientate themselves, they will surely lose their balance. They might not know where they are or how far they have to walk to get to their destination; so in that moment they apply perseverance. When they feel a sting of fear towards going in the wrong direction, they keep their focus on their fear, when they feel tired and exhausted and start wondering how much further they have to go, they stop the thought, they silence it – and keep walking. That is perseverance to me.

So when I look at this image I’ve had of what perseverance is I see that I’ve seen it as this honorable and noble virtue, something that I would want to strive to achieve and that I don’t already live. I realize that the ‘issue’ that I’ve had with perseverance is that I’ve separated myself from the word and the expression of the word, and placed it on a pedestal in my mind. I realize that I have already lived perseverance and that perseverance isn’t always about surviving these arduous trials and tribulations, but can also be applied in the mundane day-to-day situations that one face in one’s life. An example is that when I ride my bike on a stormy day with rain pounding on my face and I feel how the wind is pushing up against me, I stand up on my bike and I push back and I push until I am through and I again can ride without risking being knocked off my feet.

The basic definition of the word perseverance is “persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success” and that is definitely something I see that I have done throughout my life. Looking at the root of the word and the origin of the prefix ‘per’ and the suffix’ ‘severe’, what steps forth is an even more basic definition of perseverance that can be interpreted as ‘very strict’ or ‘through holding’, So what I see is interesting in this context is how perseverance is an expression of self that steps forth when one is faced with a difficult situation and yet decide to stick to and walk through it. It is that ‘strictness’ with self that is needed in that moment of facing adversity, like in my example with the snowstorm above where the being would strictly focus on walking through the snow, one step after another and would not allow themselves to get distracted by neither external or internal influences.

So when looking at all of this, what I see is that I’ve taken the perseverance that I’ve already lived for granted, meaning: I didn’t realize that I was living and applying perseverance. I’ve then created this definition of perseverance in my mind as something noble and grand, and separate from me and have instead held onto a definition of myself as someone that easily gives up, perpetuating this definition into reality by making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. There are definitely areas in my life where I have not lived perseverance and therefore I cannot say that perseverance is yet an absolute expression of myself. I see that to live perseverance – or any word – as a living expression of myself, I first have to stop separating myself from the word and its expression and place it on a pedestal within my mind as something I’ve yet to attain to and secondly to stop holding onto a definition of myself as someone who does not or cannot live perseverance. I know now that I can – and that I have lived perseverance, but that I had defined the word as something more and bigger than me in my mind while holding onto a inferiorized definition of myself. I realize that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by how I’ve seen perseverance being portrayed in books and movies as something outstanding and noble that only a few people can muster up the courage and strength to live. I realize now that millions of people live perseverance every single day from they wake up until they fall asleep without seeing it as something special or grandiose, but something they do, because what else is there? Lie down and die? Give up on life? Of course not. So perseverance is not magic, it is not rocket science – it is simply that push we give ourselves to keep going when the road gets tough where we put our strength and focus into walking through something that may be difficult or where there is no immediate end in sight. We keep going, we keep walking – until it is done.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

 

The ‘Battle of Words’ Character. DAY 313

August 31, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

tumblr mhz3ohFUGc1rcq9lto6 1280 632x1024 The Battle of Words Character. DAY 313Why and how is it that we come to accept abusive and consequential behavior as normal in our relationships with others? Why and how is it that we have turned discussions and disagreements that could have been solved commonsensically and practically, into battles where we wage wars with each other through our words?

Throughout my life and especially during my childhood and teenage years I lived in a culture where it was normal to have hefty discussions and arguments. I remember sitting at house-meetings at the commune where I grew up where we would have these war-like arguments that to me felt like a battle for life and death. Through my discussions and arguments with other people I built and developed what I call a ‘battle’ character, in essence to survive in the ‘war of words’. It is interesting now that I look back at it to see how I was completely consumed with fear and petrification in those moments and yet I came to accept it as completely normal to ‘battle’ each other in discussions.

When I have discussions now with my partner, I’ve found that I often enter into this ‘battle’ character and had it not been for my partner pointing out that there are other, more supportive ways to communicate, I would have continued to think and believe that ‘battling’ is normal in discussions and arguments. My partner has often said to me that I sound very angry and it has often surprised me, because I do not feel particularly angry inside. It is more a way of communicating that I have learned growing up; if you want to have any chance at surviving in the ‘war of words’ you best suit up and get your battle-gear ready.

So as we were discussing this tendency and how it reveals itself in a difference in my voice tonality and the way I carry my body, I could see how I, when there is an argument/disagreement, literally start preparing myself for ’battle’. I put on my virtual helmet and armor and I grab my virtual sword and then I start fencing my opponent through words. Previously in my life this was the standard way of having arguments and disagreements with other people, but when you’re suddenly standing in front of an opponent who is gently asking you to stop and consider your words, it becomes obvious how unnecessary it actually is to approach discussions and disagreements and arguments as ‘battles’.

I’ve spent years perfecting the ‘art of war’ as battling with my body and my words in discussions with others, but I have not until now cared for or considered what effect it had on my physical body as well as on others. I believed that it was entirely normal and necessary to be able to battle others through words and that I would risk being squashed if I didn’t – and all the while it took a great toll on my physical body that I didn’t even notice, where I didn’t realize that to battle others, I was battling and defeating myself.

So I will here walk a self-forgiveness process to lay down my armor, my shield and my sword so that I can be here and participate in discussions and disagreements from a starting-point of common sense and stability, realizing that it isn’t necessary to battle one another simply because that is how I was taught growing up by observing my environment and then integrating myself into it.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step into arguments and disagreements from a starting-point of subconsciously and unconsciously thinking and believing that I am going into battle, where I, in a matter of a few seconds equip myself with a ‘virtual armor’ through which I prepare myself to battle my opponent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a virtual armor for myself where I harden my body preparing it for battle, where I tense my muscles and place all my focus of awareness and attention in my face, eyes, mouth, head and shoulders as though in that moment I only exist in those few places in my body, sharpening them as much as I possibly can, but without actually being more physically aware or attentive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sharpen and harden my eyes and my mouth and jaw and head especially when going into arguments and disagreements so as to present myself as stoic, strong, undefeatable to my opponent, so that they may be threatened by me and back down, so as to assert my authority over them and so as to boost myself because I actually come from a starting-point of fear and petrification towards arguments and disagreements

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately change and raise my voice tonality and the volume/depth of my voice so that I can literally use my voice as a weapon through which I attempt to dominate, convince and overpower the other person, ultimately so as to not risk going into a battle and losing but rather defeating them in having them stand down before the battle has even begun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in the battle character, experience and perceive myself consciously as strong and fierce and fearless and powerful and superior, where underneath it all and within my starting-point I am shaking in my pants in fear and petrification

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel proud of myself of how I am able to carry myself in arguments and disagreements i.e. how I am able to battle other people with my words, stemming from memories of being overtly scared of entering into arguments and disagreements, avoiding them like the pest and then looking up to women whom I saw as strong and scary and fierce and then making the decision within myself to become like them within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was in arguments and disagreements as a child and teenager, where I feared my opponent, especially other women, believe that I am inferior and that there is something wrong with me, that I am weak because I fear them and having conflicts with them, and that they then are strong and superior and within this look up to the expression of being fierce, sharp and authoritative, ranging on brutal in arguments and disagreements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to believe and accept that being brutal, fierce, sharp and overpowering towards others in disagreements and arguments is positive because I judged myself for fearing and being petrified towards having disagreements and arguments with others and within that concluded that if I were to have the same expression of fierceness I would be strong – not realizing that this is not real strength or power but in fact is abusive and bullying

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel petrified and anxious towards arguments and disagreements with people whom I perceive as being stronger than me due to how they carry and express themselves in the discussion, where the subject or topic of discussion becomes entirely irrelevant because the ‘battle’ becomes about who is stronger and can evoke fear in the other and make the other pull back and stand down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to believe that arguments and disagreements is about winning over the other person and that winning is all that matters, instead of actually focus on the topic at hand and looking at what is best for all in the situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel strong, powerful, invincible and superior when another backs down or stands down in an argument where I experience myself as a winner without even considering that winning the argument or the disagreement may not in fact be based on what is best for all but on evoking fear and petrification in another, making them feel inferior, weak and start doubting themselves simply because of how I present myself as being threatening towards them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to my partner speaking calmly with a soft voice when we have arguments and disagreements because he is not following what I’ve come to believe is the ‘norm’ of an argument and a disagreement and so because he doesn’t participate in the battle that I perceive the argument and disagreement to be, I can no longer battle him to win

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist letting go of and giving up my battle character, because I fear that if I were to do that, I would automatically lose and be squashed in arguments and disagreements, revealing the fact that underneath the battle character I am actually still existing in fear and petrification – when in fact disagreements shouldn’t be about winning but about assessing what is best for all in a particular situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that battling another is the only tool I have to effectively direct an argument or disagreement to what I see is best for all/commonsensical in the moment, when in fact the manifestation of the battle itself is not best for all or commonsensical and as such by accepting and allowing myself to go into the battle character, I negate any commonsense I might have seen, I make the discussion personal, competitive, ego-based and nullify any commonsense perspective I may have seen

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, consider and accept that it is possible to have disagreements with others without having to battle one another and where, if I don’t battle the other, it doesn’t mean that I automatically loose, because a disagreement is not about winning or losing, it is about finding a common ground to make decisions together based on what is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make disagreements and arguments about me personally where I believed and experienced that if I lose the argument or disagreement it was the same as losing a part of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that whatever perspective I come into a disagreement or argument with is automatically true or righteous simply because it is my perspective, thus coming from a starting-point of self-interest, where my focus is asserting myself – instead of actually looking at what is best for all and commonsense in the discussion

Self-Corrective and Self-Commitment Statements

When I hear my partner saying something that I do not agree with and I see myself tensing up immediately within my body as an indication that I am preparing myself for battle, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have integrated a ‘battle’ character into and as myself that I have accepted to be ‘who I am’ and activate as soon as a disagreement or argument emerges in my reality and that I therefore have to stop myself at a physical level because this character functions through my physical gestures and voice tonality.

As such I also realize that I have a gift in having these physical indicators that show me that I’ve gone into the battle character, when my eyes, face, jaw, head and mouth hardens and become stiff and all my attention goes to this part of my body and when the pitch of my voice becomes sharp, harsh and I speak very fast.

I commit myself to stop accepting myself as a soldier going into battle when I am having disagreements with other people.

I commit myself to stop fearing and being petrified towards having disagreements with other people.

I realize that I do not need to battle other people with my words and gestures when I disagree with them, because there is actually not anything that is physically threatening me by someone disagreeing with me.

I commit myself to stop fearing that I will lose if I do not win the battle of words with someone whom I am in a disagreement with because I realize that a disagreement is not about who wins and who loses, as it is about what is best for all and commonsensical in the moment, which isn’t something personal.

I realize that I’ve made disagreements personal and that I have believed that I must fight for my perspective or argument, within and as taking it for granted that because it is mine, it is automatically true or righteous, instead of actually looking at the disagreement from the perspective of what is best for all, what is commonsensical and in which person’s perspective alignments can be made to align their perspective to what is best for all.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in a disagreement, discussion or argument where I see that my voice tonality is high pitches, sharp and I am speaking fast as an indication that I’ve stepped into the battle character, I stop and I breathe. I take a moment to re-stabilize myself here in my body and I change my voice tonality back to my natural level and I soften my face, head, mouth, jaw and eyes and then I look at the different perspectives again in terms of seeing what is best for all and what is commonsensical in the situation.

I realize that there is no danger in ‘loosing’ arguments or disagreements and that if there is a true danger, then it is really not so much a matter of discussing the point as it is a matter of effectively directing the situation immediately in the moment. As such I realize that with most arguments and disagreements, there is actually room to breathe, step back and reconsider one’s own and the other person/people’s perspective

I commit myself to change my starting-point and approach to arguments and disagreements from fear, petrification and battle and competition to a practical assessment about what is best for all and what is commonsense in the situation. I commit myself to be open to the fact that the perspective I share and present might not be commonsensical and as such be open to reconsider my perspective and my starting-point in the situation without fearing to lose myself/my ground. I commit myself to, when I clearly see that what I present/share is in fact commonsensical and best for all, to assist and support those whom I discuss with, to see what I see – and even if they don’t, to not take it personally but to simply look at practical solutions and possible ways that I can implement what I see is best for all.

I realize that if I approach a discussion, a disagreement or an argument from a starting-point of battling or from a starting-point of fear of conflict where I take the argument or disagreement personally, making it about me winning so that I can have a superior experience of myself, I completely negate the actual point of commonsense and what is best for all that I initially saw, which completely nullifies what I saw, because I am not acting in accordance to what is best for all or what is commonsense in my approach to solving the situation. I am not standing as an example of what I see and I am not treating another as I would like to be treated – as such I commit myself to let go of the battle character and I commit myself to practice the point of speaking and communicating commonsensically as myself here, in stability, focusing on directing the situation and the disagreement to what is best for all.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312

August 22, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

when was the last time 1024x678 No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312During the past year I have been studying for my driving license and during that process I have had the opportunity to see specific aspects of myself that only emerges when I am in situations where I have to learn something new that I do not automatically and immediately find easy to do. During the process of learning how to drive, I have come to see additional aspects of this pattern where for example that I, through this pattern have created certain ideas about myself.

When you deliberately stay away from things that do not come easy or natural and when you focus solely on the things that you are already strong at and that comes natural, it is easy to create a delusional and warped idea about yourself. So I have created the idea that I am a quick learner and that I do not have to study much to pick up on things. Through this I have become rather arrogant towards learning, not realizing how it was so easy for me because I was deliberately selecting things I knew I would be good at and avoiding those where I was not. So on the one hand I had created this arrogant and delusional idea about myself as being superior because things came easy to me – HOWEVER on the other side of that polarity was the moments in my life where I, for one reason or another had no choice but to face and learn things that didn’t immediately came easy to me. The interesting thing about driving is that it is certainly not something that I have been particularly bad at – but my reactions towards it have shown me how much I have limited myself through this pattern, because I have created a scenario where it is difficult for me to face and learn things when they don’t come easy. I simply haven’t built a ‘stamina’ and perseverance for things that doesn’t come easy immediately, as I would simply give up immediately and accept that giving up as entirely normal and valid.

With driving however, it is something that I have always wanted to learn and because of the work situation I am in and that I will be in, in the future, learning how to drive is rather imperative – and so giving up is not an option.

What has surprised me about learning how to drive as well as learning all the theory that one has to know about driving, is how it is an actual education – at least here in Sweden. I realize that I had this idea about learning how to drive that it was simply a matter of ‘going with the motions’ and that learning all the rules and regulations was more a matter of formality than something that was actually important to know. So when I started taking lessons, both privately and at a driving school, I was surprised how long it took to learn and how much was involved, from hand-eye coordination, to knowing all the traffic rules. It has felt as though I was not moving forward because I kept making mistakes and saw that my progress was slower than I wanted it to be. I have gained a profound respect for the traffic- and road-system because I have started to see how logically it is built to secure everyone’s safety when driving in traffic, but also how immature I have been towards driving and being in traffic in general.

Without consciously thinking about it, I expected that learning to drive would be quick and easy – and now that I am doing it, I am realizing how much is involved in that physical process and that it requires me to be patient, humble and take the educational process seriously. It has shown me how important it is to grasp and embrace an educational process in such a way that one supports oneself to learn in the best way possible. I have also realized as I mentioned previously, how arrogant I have been towards learning new things and how this has affected the way I approach learning. Where I stand at the moment, there is no going back; I AM going to learn how to drive. I now stand before the last tests which will determine whether I get my license or not and I realize that I haven’t given it my all, exactly because of this pattern of expecting things to come easy to me on one hand and on the other tend to give up when they don’t. I passed the driving test which was really cool and a cool confirmation of the fact that I have actually learned how to drive, but I didn’t pass the theory test on the first try, which indicates that I didn’t study enough – and I expected myself to pass anyway.

I watched a video the other day where a guy talked about his experience with learning how to drive. One of the things he said was that he had never been a very quick learner, but that he would persevere because he never gave up on himself. I see how I have created and accepted myself within and as this pattern to be the opposite, where I’ve expected myself to easily learn things and thereby gave up on myself just as easily when I didn’t.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be arrogant towards learning new things, because I had created a delusional definition of myself as always being good at new things and learning new things – because I deliberately avoiding doing and learning things that didn’t automatically come easy to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hide my insecurity, inferiority and fear of learning new things behind an arrogance and superiority towards things that came easy to me, where I created an idea and belief about myself of being superior because I suppressed and avoided anything within which I might feel inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to delude myself into an experience of superiority of being really good at things, as an inflated idea of myself as ego, that was in fact based on avoiding anything and everything that I wasn’t immediately good at

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, through creating this inflated idea about myself, have created the consequence that I deflate as soon as I am faced with any situation where what I am learning isn’t immediately easy, causing me to be extremely sensitive to anything that doesn’t come easy, where I would immediately go into reactions of blame, self-blame, judgment, self-judgment, self-pity, inferiority, fear and give up on myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and feel that it is embarrassing when I don’t learn something immediately or understand it immediately, based on having created an expectation towards and a belief about myself that I am a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as a complete and utter failure when I don’t understand or learn something immediately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry with myself and others and to blame myself and others as well as my external environment when I don’t immediately pick something up and learn and understand it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern where I immediately give up and give up on myself when what I am learning doesn’t come easy to me, because I have created an expectation to myself of being able to learn things easy and because I have never taught myself or learned how to face and walk through learning something that isn’t easy
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a definition of myself of being ‘more than’ and superior when things come easy to me and a definition of myself of being ‘less than’ and inferior when things doesn’t come easy to me, instead of approaching the point of learning something new practically, in realizing that there are certain predispositions causing me to learn more or less quickly, but that this in no way reflects on who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when things do not come immediately easy to me, it simply means that I require studying more, practicing more, integrating the new skill more and that this is not a ‘bad’ or ‘embarrassing’ thing that implies that I am a failure, but simply a practical understanding of what it means to learn something new that I haven’t done before

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be humble, patient and practical when it comes to learning new things because I have created the delusional belief that things should just come easy to me immediately without me having to put any effort into actually learning them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be disrespectful and arrogant towards the subjects that I am learning where I will blame the subjects themselves or something/someone in my external reality when I don’t get it, when the fact of the matter is that I didn’t actually study or give it my all, because I expected that learning would ‘come to me’ effortlessly rather than actually giving myself to it unconditionally

Self-Commitment Statement

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts about not studying or practicing something that I am learning, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I’ve created a pattern of arrogance towards learning new things where I, on one hand expect myself to get things immediately/easily and at the same time that I’ve used this as an excuse and justification to not face myself and push myself within learning something that doesn’t actually come easy to me. I commit myself to embrace and be humble towards learning something new and I commit myself to stop this pattern of reacting when I see that it isn’t something I can immediately pick up. I realize that there are not many subjects that I can simply pick up immediately and thereby I’m limiting myself greatly if I will only learn things that ‘come to me’ where I don’t have to put any effort into it. I commit myself stop participating in, existing in/as and accepting and allowing the polarity of superiority/arrogance vs. inferiority/giving up on myself to exist within and as me in relation to learning new things. I realize that for me to expand myself to live my utmost potential I am going to have to expand myself beyond my immediate comfort zone. And so I commit myself to support myself to build stamina, patience, self-support and perseverance when it comes to learning new things that takes practice to learn. I realize that I cannot expect myself to be great at everything I do immediately and I can also not simply give up on myself when I don’t know how to do something or if I don’t understand something immediately. I commit myself to push myself to learn, to embrace the moment of learning and to create a supportive learning environment, method and expression for/as and within myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

favicon No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312 No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312favicon No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312 No Progress Without Practice. DAY 312

Stopping the Momentum of the Mind and Starting Principled Self-Movement. DAY 311

August 10, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Momentum small 1024x768 Stopping the Momentum of the Mind and Starting Principled Self Movement. DAY 311In the last post I began to prepare the way before me in terms of integrating and living the words ‘determination’ and ‘discipline/self-discipline’ as inspired by seeing my partner’s effectiveness with living these words. It is now time to start implementing these words into my daily life and living application.

For reference to what I will be discussing here I suggest reading the two previous blog-posts:

Something I found interesting as I was looking at the words ‘determination’, ‘discipline/self-discipline’, ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’ is how they all fit together in the same type of expression or application. What I’ve started to see is that it all starts with determination, as my partner explained: to make a decision to move towards a goal or an outcome and then follow through with that. Discipline is then what is needed to maintain the determined decision, especially when and as long as the mind is still allowed to interfere, for example through ‘wants’ and preferences.

Discipline is what is needed to intervene when the “I don’t want to” thoughts for example come up, because as my partner explained: discipline is when you do something that you don’t necessarily want to do because you see the overall/long-term benefit of doing it. I also realized that this entire point, these words and their application – has to do with the decision to lived principled instead of preference-based.

These words serve as bridges when there are still mental preferences interfering with one’s principled living, where for example: when one lives the determination to live a specific principle absolutely, discipline will not be required because it is like an interceptive application through which one can correct one’s actions on a day to day basis. This doesn’t mean that discipline or self-discipline is then an ‘inferior’ or ‘lesser’ application or that its relevance is diminished simply because it is more a ‘bridge’ to absolute application rather than an expression of absolute application.

Because we obviously have to face the fact that most of us are still very much conditioned by and into the mind which means that our default movement is not yet self-movement but mind-movement, for which a form of constant intervention is then required until one is able to move oneself absolutely as an expression of oneself as living the principles that one has made the decision to live. Based on what I’ve found thus far, the words ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’ which I have yet to interview my partner about are more ‘outflows’ or physically lived expressions, for example of determination – however I also see that for those of us who haven’t either been programmed to automatically live these words or who live them as an innate expression of ourselves, it is required to include them in one’s determined decisions and the application of discipline. You could say that ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’ is the application/manifestation of self-discipline lived effectively.

I see areas of my life where I – and so my life in affect – can benefit greatly from directively implementing the word ‘determination’, ‘discipline’, ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’ – which are obviously especially the areas of my life where I have continuously allowed the mind to interfere, where I make decisions based on mental preferences rather than principles. So instead of now trying to implement these words on an existential level, which I see easily can become abstract, theoretical and overwhelming, I will begin by applying these words and their living applications, to the areas of my life and living where I see that they are needed the most.

For me to do this effectively I see that two specific points has to be clarified and cleared, like preparing the building of a new house where one has to make sure that the foundation is stable before laying the bricks that becomes the structure of the house. Firstly I see that since determination is the starting-point of the effective application of the words ‘discipline’, ‘focus’, and ‘consistency ‘ – or rather that without determination, the decision to live principled or to manifest a certain goal into reality – there is no point in living the words ‘discipline’, ‘focus’, and ‘consistency ‘. This is in itself interesting because I can see how I have in the past failed because I tried to live these words but without an absolutely clear and determined starting-point, for example because my decisions were based on ideas/beliefs/desires or in separation from myself for example through following another’s determination. Secondly, because I realize that living these words effectively, has to do with intervening the point of making decisions from within/as the mind – this is something that also requires awareness; to understand what it is I am doing.

For example: When I don’t want to do something that I am supposed to do, like something that I see would benefit me and others or even something that is required for me to effectively sustain myself financially or otherwise, I have to obviously understand ‘what’ and ‘who’ and ‘where’ that want is coming from – meaning: to understand that the ‘who’ that wants to NOT do what I’m supposed to do, is NOT ‘me’, is not ‘who I am’.

It might be who I’ve identified and defined myself as throughout my life, but since I am here walking this process to walk out of the mind and into life as a being that represents and lives the principle of what is best for all in equality and oneness, it is not who I decide to continue to be, live and exist as. I cannot even say that it is ‘who I am’, because where does these wants come from? Where does these resistances come from? If I have a preference to do or not do something where I am actually compromising my life and being and even abuse myself and so others, how can I then accept that “this is who I am”? And if it is indeed ‘who I am’ – it means that ‘who I am’ is something/someone that is abusive and compromising, which is obviously not what I would prefer.

So in a way you could say that this is about getting my priorities straight, about changing who I am and thus changing my preferences from being based on preprogrammed and learned patterns that are compromising and abusive (which this entire world is an example of) – to preferences that priorities a life that is best for all and a ‘self’ that is supportive, expansive, grounded and that makes decisions towards becoming and living my utmost potential.

So this is what I see is required, in those moments of making the decision to apply self-discipline for example: that it is a decision in that moment of ‘who I am’ and I see that this intervention in awareness is required, where I make myself aware that the ‘who’ that wants to sabotage or compromise or abuse is not who I am but a set of patterns and behaviors that has been learned and programmed. Simply because “that’s how I’ve always been” it doesn’t mean that I have to forever live as this.

And the thing is: there is so much to do in this world to change the current situation, there is not a moment to waste, there is no point of waiting for change to come. So I actually see how living these words is an important and imperative part of my process – and the process of all of us – to walk from accepting ourselves as moving on the momentum of the mind, to stop that momentum, however ‘convenient’ and ‘comfortable’ it may feel, to begin the process of creating a momentum of principled living. So a momentum in this context is the physical movement, for example of a wheel, where it is first placed into motion by an external force like a hand pushing it into motion, but due to the physics of the wheel’s mechanics and the general physical laws of nature it will eventually gain a ‘self-movement’ – a momentum where it runs and moves without having to be pushed – it becomes effortless, one turning of the wheel propels the next.

It is the exact same we’ve been living, where we’ve followed the momentum of the mind, making it very easy for us to simply ‘jump on the bandwagon’ so to speak, because we didn’t have to do anything. We could simply ‘jump’ on the mind and let it move ourselves for us. Now we have to stop and intervene that momentum, so that we can create a new momentum that is based on principled self-movement. However – that cannot be initiated without the initial push and in the context of the process I am walking here, that is the word ‘determination’ and its supportive applications of ‘discipline/self-discipline’, ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’.

In terms of the practical implementation and application of the words ‘determination’ and ‘discipline/self-discipline’, I’ve been looking at lot at how to effectively implement these words into my life. And what I realized after several days of pondering back and forth was that I had gone into a resistance towards actually living these words. I was starting to see it as very difficult and complicated and I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to follow through with it. So what I see is that the practical application is actually very simple. It is simply a matter of doing it.

So my practical application commitment has to do with specific areas of my life as I mentioned that I see would benefit greatly from me living the words effectively. An example could be a project that one would like to undertake but where one has been slow in moving oneself to actually get it done. Here I make the commitment to utilize the principle of accumulation – which is something my partner has introduced me to – where, all that is needed is often to do a little bit every day to slowly but surely start accumulating results. Another example could be behaviors that one sees are compromising/abusive for oneself, for example towards eating things that are not supportive for one’s physical body. Here I commit myself to apply the point of bringing myself to the awareness of ‘who’ it is that is carrying a preference to do something onto my own body that is not supportive and then making the decision and determination to support my body. I also commit myself to make clear goals for myself – which is the point of making a determined decision where I make it clear for myself why I am applying a certain principle and choosing that over the mind’s preference, so that I can consistently adhere to this decision and then utilize self-discipline in those moments of ‘wavering’ where I stop the momentum of the mind and push the momentum of principle into application. Here I also see that it is relevant to understand that because the momentum of the mind is already in motion, it will be ‘spinning’ faster, more intense and with more force than the new momentum of principle. This is also exactly why discipline/self-discipline may be required in the beginning because the movement of self, based on principle is not yet ‘self-moving’ and therefore requires to be consistently pushed until it – and one – is self-moving.

So this is the first part of my self-corrective process. I will apply what I have learned and realized to two specific areas of my life and will take it from there in terms of seeing where adjustments may be required. I will write down and specify for myself what exactly it is I am doing, what principles it is I am deciding to live and why, what it is I am intervening, what goals I have and what commitments I will make to effectively implement these principles into my life and living.

I realize that I require stopping the momentum of the mind so that I can initiate the momentum of principled living and self-movement. I realize that stopping of the mind’s momentum as well as the initiation of the principled momentum of self-movement requires a push because the mind’s momentum because it is already running with an automated’ force’ and the principled momentum because it is not yet running. This is exactly what I see is the entire purpose of living the words determination, discipline/self-discipline, focus and consistency.

Something additional that was shown to me today by a friend is that the starting-point of even walking determination comes from a decision within/of/as self and that in the context of the process that I’m walking here, the point for me especially – also in relation to seeing my partner as an example: is to slow myself down and through and within that slow down the mind, stop rushing in the mind so that I can move and make decisions based on common sense.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

From Feeling Intimidated by, to Exploring Another’s Expression. DAY 310

August 3, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

is someone looking up to you   by nehpets From Feeling Intimidated by, to Exploring Anothers Expression. DAY 310In this post I am continuing with the point of feeling intimidated by another’s expression and effectiveness and I will in this post share self-forgiveness as well as begin the process of changing my relationship to the words determination, discipline, focus and consistency in relation to seeing my partner living these words effectively. What I decided to as a first step in terms of practically correcting this point, was to interview my partner about how he lives the words ‘determination’, ‘discipline’, ‘consistency’ and ‘focus’ and I found it to be a cool practical application. So when you see someone living a word or an expression effectively in a way that you’d like to learn, you can ask them if you can interview them and then write down questions about this expression or application that you are curious about or that you’ve found yourself struggling with that they might have interesting perspectives on. Through interviewing the other person, it becomes more of a ‘scientific’ or exploring process in terms of understanding how a certain expression is practically lived rather than being something that is taken personally as something that some people ‘have’ or ‘don’t have’.I suggest reading the first post for context on what I’ll be walking here.

Feeling Intimidated by Another’s Effectiveness and Expression. DAY 309

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to admire my partner and to be impressed with him and how effectively I see him living the words determination, consistency and discipline and focus – and instead of utilizing that as an example for myself that I can apply in my own living, have become intimidated by my partner’s effectiveness and started comparing myself to my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to slowly but surely over time, through participating in backchat, belief, ideas and reactions towards seeing my partner as effective, have gone from simply seeing his effectiveness to feeling intimidated by it and compare myself to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel intimidated by my partner’s effectiveness when it comes to what I’ve seen as him effectively living and expressing the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become intimidated within seeing my partner as being very effective, as though he is the very embodiment of perfection when it comes to living the words determination, consistency and discipline and focus.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compare my own effectiveness/ineffectiveness within living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency to my partner through looking first at him and then at myself – and within this react and experience myself as inferior to my partner and my partner as superior to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, the more I saw my partner as effective, the more I compared myself to him, the more I widened this gap of comparison in my mind, where I saw him as more and more effective and superior and myself as more and more ineffective and inferior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my partner’s effectiveness within living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and see it as nearly perfect, as the epitome and embodiment of what it means to live those words and within comparing myself to that perfection that I saw in my partner, think and believe that this is how you live focus, discipline, determination and consistency, that if I were to live those words, this is THE way to live them and therefore, for me to also become effective, I have to be exactly as my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that for me to become effective within living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency, I must live and express these words exactly as my partner does

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an equation in my mind where, through seeing myself as inferior to my partner and through seeing my partner as superior because of how effectively he lives the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency – for me to become equal to my partner and no longer be/experience myself as inferior, I have to become and live the words exactly as my partner does

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attempt to live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency exactly in the same way my partner does, in order to equalize and balance out the inequality and the gap that I’ve created between us in my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and to become frustrated with myself when seeing that I find it very difficult, if not impossible for me to live and express the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency exactly as my partner does

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and judge myself and feel ashamed and useless because I find myself unable to live and express myself effectively in the exact same way my partner expresses himself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and define and accept myself as inferior to my partner because I am not able to live or express the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency as effectively or in the same way that I see him doing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself as being lazy, unorganized, unfocused, inconsistent and ineffective when I look at myself in comparison to my partner in relation to how we live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel depressed and apathetic within thinking and believing that I can never become as effective as my partner at living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to look for explanations as justifications and excuses outside of myself as to why I am unable to live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency as effectively as my partner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother and my upbringing in general for me not having integrated or learned to effectively live the word focus, discipline, determination and consistency

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to diminish my partner’s effectiveness in my mind in an attempt to equalize myself to my partner in my mind, where I think that he is only so effective because that’s what he’s been taught growing up and as such that there’s an unfairness to why he’s so disciplined, determined, focused and consistent, where I experience myself as a victim of circumstances and thus give myself permission and justification to abdicate responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that there’s something fundamentally wrong or flawed with me, that I in who I am, am simply not good enough, since I cannot live up to my partner’s effectiveness in living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and as such because of this, have accepted and allowed myself to give completely up on myself and developing these words in and as an expression of myself because I’ve justified my ineffectiveness as a permanent part of ‘who I am’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify giving up on myself in terms of developing and integrating the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency effectively into myself, my life and my living through defining myself as fundamentally ineffective and my partner as fundamentally effective as though ‘who’ my partner and I are in relation to the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency are inexorably determined

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as standing in my partner’s shadow when it comes to living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency – where I feel like my partner is SO effective that I cannot possible live up to that and thereby accept and allow myself to justify giving up on myself and simply accept that my partner is the one who is able to live these words and not me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame, resent and resist his partner within and as thinking and believing that his effectiveness is overshadowing, blocking and inhibiting my potential to live and express the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency – within thinking and believing that if I cannot be exactly as my partner, then I cannot live these words at all and should just leave it to my partner and give up on myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and deceive myself into believing that it is a good solution to let my partner live and represent the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and then I can lean on him and let him take the lead whereas I can lead in other areas of our lives and as such use this to justify to myself the deception that I don’t have to live these words, because my partner can live them for both of us

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency on and towards my partner where I have accepted and allowed myself to become complacent, apathetic and dependent in accepting my partner as the one that has the responsibility to live the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency and thus that I don’t have to and that I can’t live these words, thus making my application even more ineffective as well as compromising my communication and practical living with my partner as well as my own life and process

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider or realize that because my expression is different from and unique to my partner’s and because I’ve had entirely different experiences growing up, that me living the words focus, discipline, determination and consistency will and cannot be exactly the same as how my partner live them and so because I thought that I could only live them in the way he did, I gave up on myself instead of actually investigate these words for myself and how I can live and express myself through/as them independently of how my partner or anyone else lives or expresses these words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because discipline for example has not been a very big part of my life, my experience or my application throughout my life, that this word and the living application of this word is then closed off to me, instead of giving myself the opportunity to unconditionally explore and investigate what it would mean for me to live this word in, through and for myself – and for example within this, learn from my partner and others whom I see are effectively living the word discipline

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no words, expressions or living applications are closed off to me, as though it is only some people who can live or express them, or that if you haven’t had experience with a word or an expression growing up, then it is simply too late and you’ll have to accept your limited expression and application

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and to not realize and challenge how extensively I’ve limited myself – to a certain set of skills, applications and expressions, where I never actually took the opportunity to learn from others but instead saw there expressions as intimidating and exclusive, where the more effective they were, the less I believed that I too could be effective – when in fact, someone being very effective within a certain application or expression ought to be seen as a gift and an opportunity to expand – and not as something that limits me even further into not expanding myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the opportunity and the gift to unconditionally learn from my partner and his expression of focus, discipline, determination and consistency and that I have instead denied myself the opportunity to expand and support myself within and through these words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my own self-imposed and circumstantial limitation a comfort zone where I accepted and justified that I didn’t have to push myself or take responsibility for myself because I accepted myself as fundamentally flawed – and so for example in relation to discipline saw it as an ‘easy way’ out of not really giving things my all or pushing myself to the utmost and therefore could slack

Preparing the way before me.

Something that I have found interesting but also somewhat concerning is how I have previously written a lot about for example the words discipline, determination and focus and yet it is not something that I have changed on a fundamental level within and as myself, my process and my life – which is obviously also why I would react to my partner’s effectiveness within and as living these words. I’ve also talked to my partner previously for example about discipline and have asked him how he lives this word, but it was rather casual and I see how when I was asking him I was still in the experience of inferiority towards him where I had basically already given up on myself in relation to effectively living the word. So what I have done this time, is to first of all realize that this is not about my partner or how he lives the word discipline for example. It is about me and how I live the word discipline. This does however not mean that I can’t learn from my partner. So when I was looking at how to apply a practical correction for myself, I decided to interview my partner on his relationship to the words discipline, determination, focus and consistency. This practical application simply opened up in a moment so I will be walking the investigating and correction process simultaneously as I share in these blog-posts.

I can definitely recommend that if you see something in another that you’d like to develop for yourself, to ask them if you can interview them. This is how I did it: At first I asked my partner if I could interview him about discipline while we were driving the other day. But instead of coming from a starting-point of inferiority and within that also an insincere ‘decision’ to change, I decided to be directively inquisitive and really get to understand exactly how my partner lives the word discipline. Because you know, when we see something in another that we’d like to live for ourselves, we tend to only see the result of a process of application – which is also why we’d conclude that “they’re like that and I am not”. So I decided to go about it very concretely and practically, where I asked my partner questions in relation to discipline:

“What is discipline to you?”

“How do you live discipline?”

“How would you define discipline?”

“In which situations do you find it supportive to apply discipline within yourself?”

“Is it something you do actively or is it automated?”

“Have you always been this disciplined or have you practiced it?”

“If you have practiced it, how did you practice it?”

“Can you share an example?”

So through asking my partner all these questions that naturally came up within a moment, I got to understand not only how he lives the word discipline – that it is not simply ‘who he is’ or ‘all he is’ but in fact a specific practical application that he utilizes in his life – but I also got some practical tips for how I can apply discipline within my own life. So what my partner for example said was that discipline to him basically is “doing something even though you don’t want to do it.” When I asked him how he applies discipline he said that he reminds himself of how the long-term benefits of what he’s doing far outweighs the immediate costs. He also explained how this is quite natural for him and thus no longer is something that he actively has to think about or remind himself, he simply knows that it is cool and self-supportive to rather do what needs to get done even though he might prefer doing something else. He also explained to me how he knows that he’ll be grateful if he does it and that if he doesn’t he’ll have this point hanging over his head that he knows he should be doing.

Later that day I interviewed my partner about this relationship to the word determination and this time we sat down and I wrote down his answers as we were speaking. I found that this worked much more effectively and I definitely see how this is a cool way that one can communicate with someone who one sees is living a specific word in an effective way. Through interviewing my partner I make the process of investigating how he is living a word, both something practical but it is also a bit like doing scientific research where one is digging into the details and specificity of how a particular word is lived and expressed.

This is what my partner said about determination:

How do you live the word Determination?

I live it through making a decision that “This is what I want to do” then I look at what I have to do to get there. Then I begin doing that. The reason why I’m so determined is because I feel like it’s a personal investment where I made a commitment I made to myself, so then its like I am failing myself if I don’t walk the decision

How do you stay determined?

It’s because the decision I made is still the one I made. I have it in my awareness at all times, so I don’t think about.

How do you change non-determination to determination?

Then it’s because I have not made a decision yet, the point has not yet become me, it’s subject to energy, motivation/de-motivation.

So how do you change that?

Then I make a decision for myself. I look at: what is it that I want to do? How? When? I also look at how I can make myself more and more determined. It’s a passion for self-expansion. It’s fun to become better at things.

Something that I noticed as I was looking at the word determination together with my partner was that his relationship to the word is still to some extent contingent upon energy, hence the ‘feeling’ he is describing of making a personal investment. This was interesting because before I interviewed my partner I had as I mentioned in the previous post more seen him as being ‘perfect’ or ‘complete’ in relation to how he lives the word determination, but now I realized that there is a lot more to living a word than the ‘result’ that I see. It is not that it is ‘bad’ that my partner to some extent has an energetic motivation within living the word determination, but as we were talking about it, we also discussed how this is something that he can correct within his relationship to the word. We also discussed how, initially one might have to work with the mind, especially if one has not yet lived a word effectively, within for example making an agreement with oneself in the mind that “We do this now and then we can relax” for example. But this is obviously not the ‘end goal’ in terms of how to live determination. So what I realized is that we tend to see other people – especially when we feel inferior to them, as these ‘complete’ and ‘perfect’ human beings, when in fact they are not; we’re merely seeing them through our polarized ‘lenses’ where every thing looks extreme. It’s the same when one feels inferior, because it is like it’s one’s entire beingness and existence that is the problem, when often it is simply a particular application that require alignment.

Something else I noticed as I interviewed my partner is how, once a word is lived effectively, one literally become the embodiment of the word – meaning that one’s living of the word is direct and immediate, i.e. that there is no thought process and no ‘initiation’ process involved, where one for example has to use thoughts to motivate oneself. Something that I liked that my partner said about determination is how it is something that he has in his awareness as a decision that he’s already made where the actual movement/living of the decision is moving on the momentum of the decision. This also means that there’s no struggle, no question, no uncertainty – you simply walk the decision that you’ve made. Something else that was cool was that my partner used my relationship with our cats as an example, and within that he showed me an example of how I already live the word determination in a way that was contextual. This was very cool because this way I could relate what he was saying back to myself and see the ‘mechanism’ he was talking about within myself. He explained how I for example have the cats in my awareness at all times, but that it is not something that I have to think about. My application in relation to the cats is therefore effortless as the decision to take care of them in the best way possible is already made; so giving them food, taking them in or out or keeping an eye on them is something that I simply do.

After I had interviewed my partner I noticed that I wanted to go and write my blog and how this ‘movement’ towards taking care of my responsibilities came up within me in a different way than I have experienced before. I found that quite interesting and I have seen before how, simply by starting to open up information about a particular point or pattern, one sometimes already starts changing it, simply through becoming aware of it.

What I realized mostly from interviewing my partner is that living the words ‘discipline’ and ‘determination’ for example has to do with living principled instead of based on preferences. In a way it is like going against one’s ‘nature’ or that which one is used to, that which ‘feels good’ – and I see how this initially might be based on either a pragmatic reminder to oneself or even a deliberate and directive process of self-manipulation based on understanding how the mind works and operates. In the next post I will discuss more about how I practically am going to implement and live these words and I will also interview my partner on how he lives the words ‘focus’ and ‘consistency’.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

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