Putting Others Down to Feel Better about Ourselves. DAY 322

There is something that we humans do to each other in our various relationships, in our friendships,

Standing Grounded When The Waves of the Mind Washes Over Me. DAY 321

How is it possible that we can be in our minds and not be aware of it? How can we stand stable and g

Manifesting a Vision of Creation into Reality. DAY 320

As a child I absolutely enjoyed creating things. I would spend hours without end in our basement try

 

Putting Others Down to Feel Better about Ourselves. DAY 322

October 24, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Deal With People Who Put You Down Step 8 1024x680 Putting Others Down to Feel Better about Ourselves. DAY 322There is something that we humans do to each other in our various relationships, in our friendships, with colleagues and in social situations that undermines all trust and mutual growth and expansion.

We deliberately try and take each other down. The particular strategy that I’m discussing here today is one where one will in an otherwise innocuous conversation, throw in some words to defame or belittle the other. This will be done in such a casual way that it goes below the radar and even though the person towards who the words were spoken will see it and react to it, there will be little they can do about it because the words will be spoken indirectly and tacitly. If the person then confronts the other person, the other person will be able to claim that they ‘didn’t mean it that way’ or that ‘it was only a joke’ or will even go as far as calling the other person ‘too sensitive’ or ‘overreacting’ and as such avert any confrontation with the fact that they’ve spoken out of spite deliberately to ‘take down’ another person. To be clear, I’m not talking about situations where we are in fact overreacting, because such moments obviously also occur. No, what we’re talking about here is passive aggressive spite, exerted in such a way that it can be defended as an ‘innocent comment’. I know how this works because I’ve done it myself.

Let me give an example: so today I was speaking to my friend and during our conversation she made snide and spiteful remarks towards me. It’s something I’ve experienced previously where she would criticize me or directly spite me, while covered up in/as a ‘normal conversation’. I’m absolutely sure that if I were to ask her about it she would say that she never meant it that way and she might even be shocked at me accusing her of deliberately being spiteful and snide. But as I said, I know how it works because I’ve done it myself.

So why do we do this? Why do we deliberately say things to other people to ‘bring them down’, to ‘undermine’ and ‘defame’ them?

What I have seen, both with my friend and with myself is that we do it out of jealousy. It is actually as simple as that. I have seen myself do it with people that I’ve been secretively jealous or envious towards where I would ‘casually’ and even ‘friendly’ say judgmental and defaming things about them, essentially to undermine them and bring them down.

Now, this point is very subtle and it definitely requires self-honesty to admit to oneself, but what I’ve seen for myself is that such snide and spiteful remarks comes with a bitter aftertaste, meaning; we know exactly what we’re doing and that what we’re doing is not okay, that we’re deliberately trying to hurt another and make them less, so that we can feel empowered and superior within ourselves.

What this pattern of behavior goes to show is how extensively we’ve become accustomed to blindly accept everything that goes on in our minds as real, valid and acceptable. So for example, it starts with us becoming jealous because we see something in another that we don’t see in ourselves, but instead of us commonsensically questioning that experience of jealously, we callously ‘jump on it’ and into it and act according to it; we listen to the jealousy instead of questioning why it’s there in the first place. And so we justify deliberately spiting and defaming another person to ‘get on top’ because we feel threatened by them.

This is such a shame because within doing this, we do not only compromise the other person, our relationship with them and ourselves; we also compromise and sabotage any opportunity we may have had to learn from them and actually and in fact grow and expand ourselves. So ironically, in an attempt to become more, we make another and ourselves less and in an attempt to expand ourselves, we limit and disgrace another and ourselves.

I can see this for example with my friend, because she and I are very similar. This has had the effect that we tend to go into competition with one another (one of the ways that we’re similar) instead of actually pushing one another and learning from one another. So that’s something that I’ve been pushing for myself and that I’ve reflected on within myself in terms of how cool it would be if my friend and I put our best qualities together and instead of competing to be the best or to be on top instead used this competitive pushing for perfection to support each other and play around with it instead of taking it so seriously.

In another example where I was the one who spited another, I could see how I would in moments deliberately say things to belittle them, when I in fact felt threatened by them and actually was in awe of them. But I didn’t tell them that and I didn’t look at how I could practically work on implementing that which I saw in them into my own life and living. Instead I found their ‘weak spots’ and I hinted things to them in conversations to inferiorize them and basically make them doubt themselves and think less of themselves, just so that I could feel better about myself and not feel inferior to them. In that moment when I said those things, I felt strong and righteous and like I was doing them a favor by speaking ‘the truth’. But it wasn’t the truth and every time I noticed how these remarks would come out of my mouth I would feel a bad taste in my mouth because I knew that what I was doing was not okay.

Something I also experienced as being particularly problematic when my friend made these comments to me was the dimension of this pattern of it being covert and hidden, because it means that we can never confront the other person or call them out. I’ve done that before in my life and it has not been successful, because no one will admit that they treat other people this way – because it is pure cruelty and in fact cowardice.

Unfortunately, we learn to treat other people this way from our parents as we grow up and I remember this pattern being prevalent even when I was a child and a teenager. I remember how utterly broken I felt when someone made such remarks about me where it was absolutely clear that they were spiting me and deliberately saying nasty things, but it was said in such a sophisticated way, often covered up with either humor or this “I’m telling you the truth to support you” attitude and as I’ve been looking at this pattern now as it’s resurfaced, I realize how extensively we break and hold each other down through this pattern.

Bringing others down because we are jealous at them is not a solution. It only makes the problem even worse as it adds on an even more serious problem than the original experience of jealousy, because it contaminates and corrupts our entire social network of interaction. Everyone is afraid of each other and fear speaking up and expressing themselves openly, in fear of being ridiculed and spited when they do.

So I will here apply self-forgiveness to take responsibility for myself, for my friend as myself and let go of both the spite and the reaction towards being spited by another.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately spite and defame another by saying things to them to hurt them, to inferiorize them, to make them doubt themselves, so that I can feel better about myself, feel superior, feel strong and on top

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of becoming jealous when I see something in another that I haven’t developed in myself and then to react to this within judging myself as being inferior and as such feel threatened by another’s strength

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deal with and handle my experience of jealousy towards another by going full on into it, where I become the jealousy to such an extent that I act out the jealousy and justify it to myself as righteous and necessary for me to stop feeling inferior and gain an experience of myself of being on top/better than another

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not, when I see that I am experiencing jealousy and awe towards another person, stop myself and ask myself why I am experiencing jealousy, why I’m accepting and allowing this experience and instead focus on learning from the other person, so that I too can develop that which I see in them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to compromise another person and so create consequences in their life by deliberately belittling them and putting them down, in my mind or directly to them or to other people, so as to make them doubt themselves and feel inferior and so also compromise myself and create consequences for myself because I am acting in a way that is unacceptable where I actually make less of myself by treating another as less to feel better about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of deliberately defaming and belittling others by saying defaming things about them that I causally throw into a conversation or mask as a joke, so that I don’t have to stand accountable for my words or actions, to them or to myself and so that I can say things that I know are unacceptable without having to take responsibility for my words or actions

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into justifying my defaming words towards another as being ‘just the truth’ and ‘an innocent comment’ and ‘just a joke’ when I know that what I am doing is deliberately spiting and defaming them and when I know that what I am doing is unacceptable and cannot be justified

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately hide behind humor and the nature of my relationship with others where I convince myself and the other that it is okay, normal and even necessary for me to say defaming and spiteful things about them, when in fact I know that what I am doing is not okay

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize or take responsibility for the fact that I have created consequences in the lives of others by deliberately defaming and belittling them, often when they would actually be expressing themselves or doing something naturally and effectively, where I then make comments that makes them doubt themselves and makes them fear expressing themselves unconditionally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when others deliberately defame, spite and belittle me, that they are actually only doing that because they’re jealous of me and something that they see as threatening within me that I do effectively, because they take it personally within comparing themselves to me and judging themselves as inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt and angry and resentful and shameful when another deliberately spites or defames me, instead of realizing that their words have nothing to do with me – and even if what they’re saying is true, it’s not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ and can actually support me in expanding myself, obviously not making their starting-point okay or acceptable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel like I’m losing my mind, and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized, powerless and unjustly treated when I see that another deliberately says things about me to defame or belittle me, because they do it in such a way where I can’t confront them about it, because they can write it off as ‘innocent’ or ‘a joke’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is not necessary for me to confront another if I see that they deliberately say defaming things about me, because I understand the pattern, I know how it works because I’ve done it myself and so I know and understand where its coming from and that it has nothing to do with me – and that what I can instead deal with is the fact that I took it personally in the first place instead of seeing the pattern for how it is and how no words can hurt or defame me unless I accept them to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to start doubting myself and to want to suppress and hide myself when someone says something defaming about me, where I immediately accept it as true without even asking myself whether it is true or not, because the words are spoken either covered by humor or behind the nature of my relationship with the person, such as in a friendship

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad, hurt and betrayed when someone I otherwise trust as having my back deliberately says something defaming or belittling about me, instead of realizing that this pattern and these words are not about me, but about the other person themselves and that the one they’re compromising and betraying in the end is themselves

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately stop expressing myself or parts of myself after someone has discredited that part of me through speaking defaming about it and about me instead of realizing that it is their mind reacting to something in me that they would actually like to develop for themselves, but because they don’t have any commonsensical tools of self-application and self-honesty and because they’ve accepted and allowed themselves to let the mind direct them, they try and deal with their experience through projecting it onto me, as though I am the one making them inferior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that me suppressing myself so that others don’t react to me is not a solution. That is me reacting in fear towards how others react to me and it means that I’m responsible for keeping both of us and so all of us down and limited because I accept their words to function the way that it is intended; for me to stop doing that which they perceive as threatening, so that they can feel better about themselves

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be angry at my friend for deliberately defaming and belittling me and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to now believe and experience that I can’t trust my friend when in fact it is my friend who cannot trust herself as I don’t have to trust her or expect her to treat me a certain when, because I understand how the mind works and how this pattern works and so I realize that I can be friends with my friend with the understanding of how the mind works and how I don’t have to take it personally if or when I see that she deliberately defames or spites me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold a grudge towards my friend when in fact she does the exact same to me that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to do to others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of myself and to be ashamed and judge myself for how I’ve accepted and allowed myself to treat others with cowardice spite

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold it against my friend that she accepted and allowed herself to deliberately defame and spite me, when I have in fact done the exact same and understand how it works and simply because it is unacceptable it doesn’t mean that I have to hold it against my friend, but can instead see how I can assist and support her to stop and develop a more supportive way of handling her experience of competition, jealousy and inferiority just like I’m doing myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold it against myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately defame and spite others that I called my friends, instead of realizing that simply because it is unacceptable it doesn’t mean that I have to hold it against myself, but that I can instead look at how I can assist and support myself to deal with jealousy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for developing effective and supportive tools to deal with what comes up in/through/as my mind so that I can be someone who I can trust, who can be trusted, someone that supports myself as another to expand and grow

Self-Corrective and Commitment Statements

When and as I see that words of spite and belittlement are coming up with me, where I want to speak these words to another, I stop myself. I take a deep breath. I have a look in self-honesty at what it is that I feel inferior towards in relation to the person that I want to defame and I look at how I can practically learn from the other, to expand myself instead of wanting to limit and belittle them so that I don’t have to feel like I’m less than them. I realize that me speaking such words or wanting to speak such words comes from a starting-point of jealousy and inferiority and I realize that the way I’ve been ‘dealing’ with this experience has been anything but effective; in fact it has been outright destructive and abusive. I realize that I’ve created consequences in the lives of others by accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by jealousy and inferiority and that I have extensively limited not only my own potential expansion but also the expansion and expression of others by co-creating a social environment of fear and spitefulness. I realize that if we stop defaming and belittling each other we can instead nurture and harness the expressions in another that we haven’t yet developed in/for ourselves and that this would thus mean an expansion of all of us, instead of a squandering of expression and a limitation and suppression of expression where everyone holds each other down, just to feel better about themselves. I realize that what I have done in terms of defaming, spiting and belittling others to feel better about myself is unacceptable and is not who I decide to be. I realize that I don’t have to fear or resist others defaming me or saying spiteful things about me. I can actually have a look at their words and see if any of it might be true and so utilize the opportunity to expand myself in self-honesty and if I see it is not true, to simply let it go – because I understand that the person is acting out in jealousy that they’re projecting onto me which has nothing to do with me.

I realize that my friend is showing me a lot about how my mind works and how the mind works in general and I realize that I can utilize this opportunity and this relationship to find a solution and a way to work together instead of going into competition with one another where no one has to compromise themselves or another, but can instead find ways to expand and grow together where one being effective at something is a gift the other can use to expand themselves

So I commit myself to stop defaming and spiting and belittling another out of jealousy. I commit myself to instead redirect my jealousy towards others to a practical expansion process where I can learn from them and grow from their example and see their expression as a gift and an opportunity for me to also expand. This way, instead of inferiorizing myself, I equalize myself. I commit myself to not take it personally if I see that someone is deliberately defaming or belittling me to feel better about themselves. I now understand how this pattern works and so I commit myself to simply not participate or give any attention to when another speaks this way to me, but to also be attentive towards any openings or opportunities where I can assist the other to see and understand what they are accepting and allowing and so instead assist them to expand themselves.

Standing Grounded When The Waves of the Mind Washes Over Me. DAY 321

October 15, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

066 Rachel Glowacki 1024x681 Standing Grounded When The Waves of the Mind Washes Over Me. DAY 321How is it possible that we can be in our minds and not be aware of it? How can we stand stable and grounded as the waves of the mind washes over us? What I have found for myself is that I thought/believed/was certain that I was looking at a point/myself/reality AS IT IS, only to realize that I was looking through a particular ‘filter’ through which I was ‘broadcasting’ the mind onto my reality.

So all the while I walked around in my daily life believing that I was seeing things AS IS and was trying to deal with them accordingly, I was actually busy projecting a construct of my mind onto reality, resulting me seeing reality obscured and then acting accordingly.

In the example I will walk through here, the filter I was viewing myself through was self-judgment. I was not aware that I was judging myself because self-judgment has become such an ingrained part of how I see myself. I thought I was seeing the reality of myself when in fact I was seeing the reality of myself through self-judgment. So the point of reality is still here, but I was interpreting it through self-judgment instead of looking at what is really going on – and then look for a practical solution.

I was also viewing the world through a certain belief-system that I then combined with my self-judgment and compounded the ‘filter’ – I made the veil before my eyes ‘thicker’ and denser by believing that ‘this is who I am’ and ‘this is how it is’. I didn’t question it.

Instead I then tried fixing things from within and as this very construct of seeing myself through self-judgment and a particular belief-system, which obviously didn’t work and only served to make the actual issue even more consequential, because I wasn’t dealing with or in reality but only with a dimensions of my own mind.

My question to myself has thus been as follows: How is it that I can be in the mind and not be aware of it? Meaning where I fully believe that what I’m seeing through/as the mind is real? Besides the obvious point of how we grow up to become so immersed within the mind that we’re virtually existing as the mind only without much awareness, what I see is relevant to consider here is how – once we walk process and become aware of the mind and start stepping out of it, we’re creating or reassigning ‘space’ within ourselves that is not dictated by the mind and where we eventually become able to see things as they are, and not as we’ve made them out to be.

However – this is not something that ‘happens’ automatically. We have to in fact be on our toes and consistently and diligently push ourselves to be Here, being ready to face (and embrace) whatever comes up within us with awareness. The mind has become our default ‘state of being’, so therefore we require a steady and ongoing application of stepping out of the mind, which we do through our practical tools such as writing, self-forgiveness and breathing in awareness. That is what creates this ‘space’ within us that not only gives us ‘room’ to create new ways of living, but that also slows us down so that we can regroup/ground ourselves after each ‘dance’ with the mind, where we find our footing again and stand ready to receive whatever may come up. If we instead don’t do this ‘clearing’ of ourselves, we keep building on the (excuse my frankness) pile of shit that we’ve been building for ourselves consistent of memories, information, beliefs, experiences and all kinds of intricate constructs. It’s literally like standing on a wobbly, unstable pile of crap, which means that when the next ‘wave’ or ‘dance partner’ as a construct in the mind we face and have the opportunity to direct, we won’t stay standing and will instead fall flat on our faces, because we had no stable ground under our feet.

So this goes to show how important the practical tools of writing, self-forgiveness and breathing are, where it’s not only about clearing ourselves on a total and existential level, but also about making sure that the ground/path beneath us is clear in this moment, so that we can stand stable to receive the next moment and direct it effectively accordingly.

For me, what had happened was that I on one hand had seen my own future potential, both through the examples of others and also because of recent points of expansion that I’ve done and that has showed me how much more I am capable of and how much of the world I have yet to get to know – and then I had compared myself to that future potential, and of course found myself wanting in comparison AND on the other hand I had been slacking with my application due to tons of excuses, mostly related to time and other responsibilities. So I was basically setting myself up for disaster; with extremely high and unrealistic expectations and a reality that was far from what I wanted it to be. It could only fall. But then instead of looking commonsensically at the situation, I let self-judgment define the situation for me, which only made everything worse cause now I was trying to ‘fight’ my ‘bad side’ while ‘living up to’ my ‘good side’ resulting in both polarities becoming more and more extreme in my mind. And then, while you’re walking such a debacle in yourself over days or weeks, new points will open up that you in no way will be able to effectively direct because you’re now standing on that wobbly pile of crap I talked about before or that you’ve already fallen flat in it and first have to stand yourself up again before you can direct yourself effectively again.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or admit to myself how important it is to daily ‘clear the ground beneath my feet’ so that I can stand stable and grounded to receive/embrace whatever may come up within me/in my world – to be able to direct it/myself in awareness, self-honesty and common sense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give myself the excuse and justification that “I’m relatively stable, my life is okay” to explain to myself (in/as the mind of course!) why it is okay that I am not on point with clearing myself on a daily (and even momentary) basis, when in fact I have now seen the consequences of doing this where my foundation/stability becomes ‘wobbly/unstable’ because I don’t direct myself to stand clear and so am much more likely to step/fall into the mind and time-loop

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize/admit to myself that when I am in a state of possession or when I enter into an alternate reality where I’m no longer grounded Here in reality, it is because I have not cleared myself and have instead slowly but surely reverted back into the ‘default state’ of the mind, where I don’t stand ready on my two feet to ‘receive/embrace’ whatever comes up within me, but where I’m instead easily ‘swept away’ because my foundation is already unstable

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of being consistent and diligent with clearing myself and creating a space for awareness within myself, because as long as the mind is still my ‘default state’ it means that I’ve not yet fully integrated and transitioned to a ‘default state’ of awareness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to excuse and justify my participation in the mind where I think and believe that it is for example ‘just a thought’ or even ‘just a little thought/reaction’ but where I fail to realize that one step into the mind, however small or miniscule, IS one step into the mind and therefore one step away from awareness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become swept away by the mind, because I was not Here to direct myself in awareness, because I hadn’t cleared myself but was already standing on ‘unstable’ ground

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow myself to see myself/a point/the world through a filter of the mind and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that this filter I am seeing through IS how it is, when it is in fact not

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be with and walk with myself consistently on a daily and moment-to-moment basis, where I check in with myself to see where I’m at and if any points requires to be adjusted/released/aligned so that I can stand clear and stable to face the next moment

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see that there is a point within me/in my world that requires to be directed, because it is not aligned with what is best for all in/as common sense and self-honesty and I see that I am making excuses/justifications for not directing the point either immediately or as soon as possible, I stop. I take a breath and I make a commitment to myself to direct the point, either immediately if I am able to, which is preferable, either in writing, through breathing or speaking out loud OR I make a commitment with myself to do it when I am able to later in the day.

I realize that the consequences of me not directing a point immediately are so consequential that it is imperative for me to start applying this correction diligently for my own sake. I also realize that I’ve often thought that it would take effort to direct a point and therefore have left it be, when in fact I realize now how much more effort it takes to go through an entire time-loop and accumulation process ending up in a state of possession because I didn’t direct myself effectively.

I realize that directing myself immediately is often not something that requires a lot of time and even if it does require a lot of time because it’s an intricate or deep-seated point, it’s actually a gift I give to myself, now and in the future, because it will mean that I’ll create space within myself where I can create a new expression/application and so also be more equipped at facing points in the future.

I realize that as long as my ‘default state’ is still the mind, for example within constructs such as self-judgment and belief-systems, I have to be diligent with clearing myself and consistently and actively changing that which I accept as my default state to be me in awareness, common sense and self-honesty directing myself here from a starting-point of what is best for all

So I commit myself to push this point within my daily application, where I check in with myself, each morning, evening and during the day – and through breathing on a moment-by-moment basis and where I give myself the time to write, even if I only have 10-30 minutes, I realize that I can utilize those moments to write and clear myself – to give myself the gift of having a clear and grounded starting-point for facing the next moment.

I commit myself to push myself to apply self-forgiveness out loud and to utilize such moments as when I’m driving to check in with myself and clear myself if needed.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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Manifesting a Vision of Creation into Reality. DAY 320

October 4, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

hires 871x1024 Manifesting a Vision of Creation into Reality. DAY 320As a child I absolutely enjoyed creating things. I would spend hours without end in our basement trying to build things using nails and wood and fabric. I tried creating rabbit cages, chairs, tables and all sorts of things. No one ever really taught me anything. I just went down there and started hammering and sawing. Often times I would have this idea or vision about something I wanted to create and I would be so excited to go into the basement to build it, but then I didn’t really know how to do it and on top of that I was impatient and this resulted in me most often building things that weren’t useful or nicely done. Afterwards I would be so disappointed with myself and with the thing I had build that I would just throw it aside and come up with a new project for myself. I remember one time where I had this vivid image of something I wanted to draw. It looked so beautiful in my mind but when I sat down to draw, I couldn’t because I drew like a child, not as someone with the skills required to draw what I had seen in my mind. So I asked my mom to sign me up for a drawing class and I went a couple of times, but I got so impatient because we first had to learn all this basic stuff like shadowing and perspectives, so eventually I quit.

I see how this pattern has effected and limited me tremendously in my life where I would have these visions of things I wanted to create in my mind, where I expected them to be manifested instantaneously into reality, and then I took shortcuts because I was so impatient to have my vision ‘come to life’ that I could shortcuts in the creation process, also because I often didn’t know how to do things so I came up with half-assed solutions, leaving me disappointed, unsatisfied and perpetually unskilled. I have since realized that creating things in reality, whether it is a clay pot or a drawing or even a relationship or business, it takes time. It takes thorough research and preparation and if necessary, an expansion of one’s skills and capabilities. It takes practice and patience and consistent application, where the vision of creation that one initially had is merely the first step. I’ve also realized that things may turn out differently in reality than one had imagined in one’s mind. And this is because the mind essentially, is a simulation of reality. It can deal with ideas of finished results, with probabilities and possibilities, but not with unforeseen events, not with what it means to practically create something with your hands, where it takes time to learn the techniques required to produce a finished result. So I will here share a self-forgiveness and self-correction process that I’ve walked in relation to this point, so that I can start manifesting my visions of creation into reality in a practical, commonsensical and realistic way, where what I create is real and substantial and not simply remains as an idealized image of creation in my mind.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in fantasies, imaginations and projections about things I would build or things I could create

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to fantasizing about things I can do or build in the future where I am not present here with myself in the physical but have projected myself into the future

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in an experience of excitement towards building and doing stuff in the future

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to an experience of anticipation towards my own creativity in terms of things I can build, create or do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to expect that because I am able to think of something in my mind, I will automatically and instantaneously be able to manifest and create this image into reality without considering that things in the physical take time and practice when it comes to creation processes

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be so preoccupied with my vision of creation and the expectation I’ve created towards being able to instantaneously manifest it into reality that I’ve seen it as unnecessary for me to prepare or practice or do research before embarking on a creation process

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to because of my expectation of being able to instantaneously manifest things, create and participate in a laziness and arrogance towards creating things where I see it as unnecessary to put any effort into it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience and perceive myself as superior within my mind’s imagination of a ‘vision of creation’ over the physical reality that I didn’t consider or regard because I experienced and participated so much in my mental vision of creation that stood so clear to me in my mind that I completely disregarded the physical

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a state of impatient desire where I wanted and expected myself to be able to manifest my vision of creation immediately and instantaneously and within that saw any form of effort or time-taking process as unnecessary and a cog in the wheel of the manifestation of my vision

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that because my vision of creation is manifested in my mind as a concept, image and idea, I should be able to immediately and automatically manifest it into reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be so preoccupied and obsessed with my vision of creation as though it was already created because it was ‘existent’ in my mind that I completely disregarded the physical manifestation process and the steps necessary to manifest something into reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take shortcuts because I was so obsessed with manifesting my vision of creating into reality where I would slack and not do things properly just so that I could get to a ‘finished result’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within taking shortcuts when it comes to manifesting the vision of my creation, compromise my actual creation in the physical to satisfy my mental image of it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed when my vision of creation is not manifested into reality the way I envisioned it in my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be able to understand why what I created came out so shitty instead of admitting to myself that I had taken shortcuts because I was impatient and within doing so I had compromised the actual manifestation of my creation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when my creation did not live up to the expectation I had created towards it in my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my creation as being less than what I had imagined it would be

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for creating something that isn’t effective

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed over myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the gift of practicing, of learning, of researching and taking my time to do things properly so that I can actually manifest and create something that I can be proud of, that I am satisfied with and that is functional and optimal

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and define the physical, including myself as inferior to my mind, becoming frustrated because I see things so clearly in my mind but am unable to manifest them into reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame the physical as being less than because it is not able to manifest my mind’s vision of creation into reality, when in fact that wasn’t even the question as I didn’t even look at how to actually manifest the vision into reality and whether or not this is possible, but instead expected the physical to function the way the mind does, where it can produce images instantaneously – failing to realize that the difference is that the mind is a simulation, it is not real – while reality is

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame myself as a failure for not being able to manifest my mind’s vision into reality, instead of realizing and considering that in many instances I’ve never done something before, I’ve not had any practice and yet I’ve expected myself to be able to do it – perfectly so – from the get-go.

Self-Corrective Statements

 When and as I have a vision of creation that I would like to manifest into practical reality and I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to become energized by being infatuated with my own creativity, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I’ve created a conflicted relationship towards creating/being creative because I’ve created a belief/expectation that I can manifest things instantaneously directly from my mind into reality.

I realize that I’ve had unrealistic expectations and that I didn’t understand what it meant to create something for real in the physical where there is often a process of preparation, research and patient practice required to manifest something that is effective and optimal.

I realize that I, within this pattern have placed my mind’s imagination and vision of creation as superior to the physical and have thus blamed this on the physical as well as on myself, blaming the physical and myself as being inferior to my mind’s vision – not understanding that I am looking here at two different dimensions – where the mind functions as a simulation of reality whereas reality itself does not work based on instantaneously manifested images but on real tangible equations and manifestations.

I realize that I’ve expected the physical to function the way the mind does, where it can produce images instantaneously – failing to realize that the difference is that the mind is a simulation, it is not real – while reality is, which makes it a whole different ballgame.  I realize that in many instances I’ve never done something before, I’ve not had any practice and yet I’ve expected myself to be able to do it – perfectly so – from the get-go.

I commit myself to, when I have a vision of creation – to firstly check whether it is practically possible and relevant to manifest it into reality and if so, investigate and prepare myself effectively to manifest it into reality, in doing research and investigation before manifesting my vision into reality and in allowing myself to learn and practice and if required train the skill required to manifest my vision of creation into reality. I commit myself to walk with and in the physical when it comes to creation processes and I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to become excited by and infatuated with visions of creation in my mind and instead focus on what is Here before me. I commit myself to be patient, specific and considerate as I work towards manifesting a vision of creation into reality.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

favicon Manifesting a Vision of Creation into Reality. DAY 320 Manifesting a Vision of Creation into Reality. DAY 320favicon Manifesting a Vision of Creation into Reality. DAY 320 Manifesting a Vision of Creation into Reality. DAY 320

The Deeper Dimensions of a Child’s Fear of Sleeping Alone. DAY 319

October 1, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

AmongTheSleep Screen02 1024x576 The Deeper Dimensions of a Childs Fear of Sleeping Alone. DAY 319Last week I was working with a 5th grade student who, suddenly in the middle of our lesson asked me if I’ve ever had the experience of suddenly knowing who I am. He explained to me how he distinctly remembers waking up one morning when he was around 4 years old knowing exactly who he was, what his name was, who his parents were and everything that defined him as a person. He explained to me how he, before that moment have no memories, that it was like his life only started in that moment. It was interesting to see how he defined himself very destinctively as though who he is is this name and the son of his parents. It made me curious as to what it is that creates such an experience in a person because it is not something I could relate to in such a distinct way.

Then today I watched this video that shows a baby standing alone in a crib crying for her mother and the father coming in to soothe the child eventually lying down with her in the crib. In the video the baby only calms down once the father is physically close to her and she clings to him. This reminded me of how I often experienced myself as a child and even as a baby, where I would have this distinct perpetual experience of being alone.

What I see when I look at that experience of being alone is that it is not so much a ‘being alone’ as it is a conscious awareness of ‘being apart from’ or ‘being separate’.

I remember so many times where I cried myself to sleep because of this experience of being separate, like I was floating in a pitch black void of nothingness, while consciously aware of a world existing outside of me that was not here with me. In my experience as an older child I connected this experience to my mother and a desire to be physically close to my mother, so whenever I had the chance I would crawl into bed with her just to be close to her and feel the warmth of her body. When I was having sleepovers at friends’ houses I remember often becoming extremely homesick and it was in these moments that the experience of being alone was the most distinct.

What I am seeing now as I look at the point is that this extreme fear and discomfort with being alone as ‘separate’ and ‘apart from’ actually doesn’t have anything to do with the child’s bond to their parents. I know that in classical psychology there is a theory that the child when it is young experiences itself as part of the mother, like there is no distinction between what is ‘me’ and what is ‘my mother’ (or father).

Only later, the child starts separating itself as it starts developing an independent consciousness and awareness of itself being an individual and as such also start seeing the parent as a separate being, something that can develop into a separation-anxiety due to the mourning of the symbiotic relationship that is now ‘lost’. I see that this experience is actually an existential one where, when we come into the world we are more distinctly experiencing the reality of our situation as beings of this existence, with the foundational problem being that we’ve separated ourselves from ourselves.

Because that separation is automated and perpetuated generation after generation, the child then projects the point of separation onto their external world – that which then becomes what the child is separate from or independent in relation to, when in fact; all along the separation we so feared and mourned, was the separation from ourselves.

As we grow up a lot of psychological development happens and we are socialized (and brainwashed/programmed) into a particular culture to which we become anchored in such a way that we no longer experience ourselves as aimlessly drifting in the pitch black silence of outer space, but instead become clearly defined people with personalities and characteristics.

However the perpetual fear of being alone as separate and apart is a constant undercurrent that for many, if not most people governs out lives and the decisions we make from underneath all the noise of our loud and colorful, intricate and dramatic personalities.

It is why we place so much emphasis on relationships, on friendships, on family, on belonging, on being part of a group, on fitting in and it is why we eventually decide to have children to have someone to belong to, someone that belongs to us, that will never leave us and that may hopefully fill that ‘void’ we’ve been secretively existing in all our lives.

We are born into a world where we are shown for all intents and purposes that the solution to our experience of being separate and apart lies in the world outside of us, in relationships, other people, external goals, consumption and stimulation. It is sometimes expressed explicitly but it is also a subtle undercurrent, like a silent agreement everyone adheres to without anyone really knowing why they’re doing it.

For me, a significant turning point happened in my first months of participating with Desteni where I decided to walk through the fear of darkness. For many years, darkness had represented this ‘void’ for me, this explicable feeling of always being separate and apart, hence manifested as a fear of actually darkness. When I started embracing the literal darkness of the night, I also started embracing the darkness of myself and I realized that in the darkness is also the closeness, the ‘HEREness’ if you will. I stopped fearing to be alone. I started to embrace myself and now five years later, I can say that I am still just getting started. But if I had been a child today, I would have liked to have been supported to embrace myself within the comfort of my own physical body to embrace and enjoy myself within the moment of sleeping, not as something where I’m ‘separate’ or ‘apart from’ others/the world, but where I am simply Here with myself.

So here I will walk self-forgiveness on the emotional experience that I recognize from myself in the child in the video, because when I look within me I can still feel it, I can see that this experience has remained within me – yet now I understand that what I experienced wasn’t a ‘void’ of being separate from my mother, but the inherent awareness of I as life being separate from myself, exemplified by the situation of being a small baby having to sleep alone in a crib while being consciously aware that the world/my mother is outside/not here/separate and apart from me.

For those interested in learning more about the separation anxiety that babies/children can experience, there are some awesome Eqafe interviews on this here:

Separation Anxiety – Perfecting the Human Race – Parenting – Part 31

Separation Anxiety (Part 2) – Perfecting the Human Race – Parenting – Part 32

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to carry and hold onto a memory within me of being a baby/child attached to an energetic experience/reaction of anxiety within experiencing myself as ’alone’ as ’separate’ and ’apart from’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to carry and hold onto the memory of experiencing myself as being ’alone’ as ’separate’ and ’apart from’ and that I have attached this experience to an experience of anxiety and fear

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attach the experience of lying alone in bed in darkness and silence with an experience of anxiety towards being ’alone’ as ’separate’ and ’apart from’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define ’alone’ with an attached negative experience of fear and anxiety in defining being alone as being ’separate’ and ’apart from’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define ‘separate’ and ‘apart from’ attached with an energetic experience of fear and anxiety within experiencing that “this is not how it should be/this is not how it is supposed to be” – instead of realizing that within seeing that I am separate, I have the opportunity to question this separation and see it for what it is instead of it being something that I avoid and fear and eventually suppress and hide myself from through trying to establish a ‘closeness’ with that which I’ve projected this separation onto, as my external reality

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define being alone as being in a state of ‘lack’ and ‘separation’ – as a ‘void’ and to then attach this to being separate from others/the world instead of realizing that the separation that I’ve experienced and accepted within and as me, was and is essentially a separation from myself that I’ve projected onto my external reality – thus believing that if my external reality comes ‘closer’ to me, I won’t experience myself as ‘lacking’ – when in fact what I was lacking was standing one and equal with myself here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to automatically associate ‘being separate’ with ‘being separate from others/the world’ and I forgive myself that I’ve never accepted or allowed myself to question whether this separation was in fact a separation from myself OR whether this separation is even real, since I am Here, whole and the world is Here, whole and therefore: how can I/how can anything/anyone be separate?

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear sleeping alone as a child and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define, accept and experience sleeping alone as a scary thing, instead of simply being with myself, embracing myself within and as the darkness and silence that the night brings as a moment to be here with myself alone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child, embrace the moment of going to sleep by myself and that I have instead defined, experienced and accepted going to sleep alone as something scary and ‘bad’, because of the experience of ‘void’ and ‘being apart/separate from’ I associated with going to sleep alone

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve projected my existential separation from myself onto the scenario of being a child sleeping alone apart from its parents and as such believe that who/what I was separate from was my mother/what’s going on outside ‘in the world’ when in fact the only point of separation that existed, was my separation from myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not embrace myself and that I haven’t embrace simply being here with myself, with my breath and my physical body in silence and darkness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have nothing to fear in being alone with myself, that being alone with myself doesn’t mean that I am ‘lacking’ or being separate or apart from anyone or anything else as everyone and everything is still Here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, as a child experience myself as being ‘cast out’ and ‘excluded’ from ‘what’s going on in the world’ as though I was being placed outside of the world when I had to go to sleep and the adults kept ‘living’/being awake in the rooms outside of my room where I could see the lights and hear the sounds but I wasn’t allowed to be a part of it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I sub/unconsciously associated being forced to go to bed alone as a child, as though I was being made ‘dead’ within experiencing that life was what was happening in the next room where my mother was still awake and the light was still on whereas my room was dark and silent and within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a polarized energetic experience of comparison and conflict between the dark, silent space of being alone and having to sleep (die) and the light, loud space of my mother being awake (alive) in the next room

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that lying in my bed alone in the darkness and silence with my own breath is equally being alive as it is to be awake in a room with lights and sounds and that I do not lack or lose anything by lying in my room alone in the darkness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was missing out on life and/or something very fun and important when my mother forced me to go to sleep and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mother was doing it deliberately because she didn’t want me to be part of the fun and so within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to blame my mother and to be angry at my mother for excluding me and within this create an energetic experience of desire to be part of what ever is going on outside my room and create an idea that what’s going on must be so much better than lying here in my bed

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I resonantly picked up on was an energetic experience within my mother of feeling relieved and happy to finally be alone without her child and how this wasn’t actually something personal where she deliberately excluded me for personal reasons, but simply because she wanted and enjoyed that time to herself in the evening, which I then picked up on and accordingly interpreted as though I was being excluded from something amazing lol

I forgive myself that I, throughout my entire life have longed for and desired a physical closeness and unity with other beings, and that I have never considered giving and gifting that physical closeness and unity to/with myself Here.

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to react within fear towards sleeping alone, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here to the stability of my body. I realize that I don’t lose anything or lack anything by sleeping alone because everything and everyone is still here, including myself. I realize that the separation I experienced as a child when I was alone, wasn’t in fact towards being separate and apart from my mother/the world, but actually the awareness of my existential separation from myself – and I realize that I further perpetuated that separation by projecting it onto my outside world, thus separating my even further from myself, constantly looking for solutions ‘out there’ instead of embracing myself here. I commit myself to stop separating myself from myself as I go to sleep and to instead embrace myself and enjoy the moment of being with myself, my body and my breath in the darkness and silence of myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Never Say Never to Change. DAY 318

September 28, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Brain Surgerize e1395495761822 1024x716 Never Say Never to Change. DAY 318About a year and a half ago I decided to stop drinking milk in my coffee. I’ve always been sensitive to milk products and was heavily allergic as a child. During my teenage and early adult years I ignored any physical indications that certain foods weren’t good for me and rather just went with whatever tasted or looked good to me, so for many years I had milk with my coffee. It was something I treasured, almost as though it was sacred and I defined myself as someone who takes their coffee with milk. I could never imagine myself drinking coffee without milk and whenever I even thought about it, I would feel anxious and anticipate the loss of taste and texture and would imagine how I wouldn’t even be able to drink coffee anymore if I couldn’t add milk to it.

A couple of years back I started to notice that I had distinct reactions to milk products. I started by cutting out cheese and other dairy products but never even considered skipping the milk in my coffee. Eventually I started testing using alternatives to milk like lactose free cow’s milk, cream, soy milk, oats milk and almond milk, but none of it was satisfactory and I eventually went back to my usual coffee with milk.

Two years ago I started having hay fever every day. In the beginning it was rather mild but eventually I would have these sneeze ‘attacks’ every morning when I woke up, easily sneezing up to 20-50 times having to blow my nose constantly and continuously. It was very uncomfortable to be constantly sneezing so I sought out medical attention and got tested for allergies. It turned out that I had allergies towards dust-mites, grass and horses so I figured that my daily morning sneezing attacks was an irritation in my respiratory system due to the dust mites. I started cleaning my bedding more regularly, used anti-allergen detergent, but the sneezing didn’t stop. Eventually I sought out the aid of a homeopath who explained to me that it is very common for people who are milk-intolerant to experience this type of respiratory symptoms where the body for example produces an excess of mucus, so she suggested that I stop consuming dairy products, at least for a moment to see if it would have any effect.

I was petrified to let go of my precious milk in the coffee so I resisted doing it but eventually I made the decision to try lying off all dairy products to see if it would have any effects. Within a few weeks of me stopping adding milk to my coffee as well as consuming any other products containing milk, the symptoms stopped.

I went from having daily sneezing attacks and flu-like symptoms often lasting from 30 minutes to a couple of hours to now experiencing a sneezing attack perhaps once every week or every other week. My theory for why I still have the occasional sneezing attack is that it happens when I’ve slacked on my decision to not consume dairy and have eaten something with dairy in it. So now I have decided to completely stop all dairy consumption. (I might add here that I eat tons of eggs so when I say dairy I mean any kind of milk product, whether lactose-free or not.)

I haven’t been drinking milk in my coffee for a year and a half now and I don’t take any other replacement or alternative in my coffee. What has surprised me is that I didn’t actually miss out on anything by stopping drinking milk in my coffee. On the contrary I have discovered the joy of black coffee and obviously the side effect of no longer having to constantly sneeze and blow my nose. For years and years I thought that it would be impossible for me to skip the milk and I was even willing to compromise my own body just to keep drinking the coffee with milk, based on an idea and belief that it would be horrible to drink coffee without milk. It is not. It’s simply a different drink. Letting go of even the idea of milk-replacements where I so desperately for months tried to find a replacement for cow’s milk was an important step, because I see now how as long as I was doing that I was holding onto a fear of lack and an incessant belief that “coffee CANNOT be consumed without milk.” I basically refused to give up the milk instead of giving myself the chance and opportunitiy to try something radically different from what I was used to: plain black coffee. Once in a while I eat soy or oats ice cream (which is surprisingly good!) or have a cappuccino with soy- or almond milk, but I suspect that this also isn’t the best product to consume and therefore I limit it to once in a while. Most importantly however, it is something that I don’t experience any reactions to.

What this process has assisted me to see – however trivial and trite it may be, is how accurate and specific the saying ‘never say never’ actually is. If I hadn’t had the physical consequences showing me that I must stop consuming milk products I probably never would have stopped. If I hadn’t walked the Desteni I Process, wherein I’m learning how to care for my body and myself for the first time as well as pushing myself through limitations, I would have continued regardless of physical consequences – all because of a fear of lack and an incessant idea that ‘coffee is best with milk’. Well, I proved myself wrong because now I prefer coffee black for several reasons, but most importantly because I can see that my body prefers it, and that matters more to me than how something tastes. And I’ve come to rather enjoy the bitter taste of coffee that isn’t masked by the sweetness of milk. As a result, I drink a lot less coffee but I enjoy it in equal measure. If I hadn’t pushed myself through this process, I would have never discovered that black coffee is equal to coffee with milk, not anything ‘more’ or ‘less’, simply different. I would have never discovered that it isn’t actually a ‘loss’ or a ‘lack’ – and this has made me curious as to what other points in my life I have seen as ‘impossible’ to change that might actually not be so – where a ‘gift’ is waiting on the other side of that limitation or fear or preference, to show me sides of life I never knew existed, to show me sides of myself I never knew existed, if only I allow myself to open up to, embrace and expand myself into the unknown, rather than holding onto the ‘known’ in a perpetual state of fear of lack that wasn’t even real to begin with.

I’ve found that it’s the same as when we for example say: “I’m just not that kind of person” or “I’ve never been good at that” or “It’s just not my thing”, where we define ourselves and accept ourselves according to a limitation, feeling good and comfortable within boxing ourselves in in a certain framework of skills, preferences and abilities.

What this process has shown me is that it is not valid to claim that some things cannot be changed, especially the things we do to ourselves that harms us or harms our bodies or even harms others. It has made me realize that preferences aren’t valid simply because they are ‘MY preferences’. It is cool to have a preference, like if coffee with milk supports you and your body and that’s what you prefer, then by all means carry on – but it is possble to change one’s preferences and to make principled living in self-support a preference too, and to within that discover that maybe our preferences weren’t real to begin with, but was based on ideas, beliefs and cultural forms of programming that we’ve just come to take for granted as part of our comfort-zone and self-definition. We don’t actually know how much it is possible for us to change, I mean look at me; I never thought I would ever be able to drink coffee without milk and now it is something entirely normal to me that I don’t even consider or question because I have changed my preference to include a consideration and care for my physical body. So consider that for yourself, especially if there are points in your life that you see is compromising you or harming you somehow but that you’ve seen as impossible to change – that it IS possible to change, it may take a process, it make take thinking out of the box and being creative in coming up with solutions, it may take taking baby-steps in the beginning – but it IS possible, and that means that nothing (within the realm of what’s physically possible) is impossible. What that means is that there is no limit to what we can become, to who we can become, to how far we can expand ourselves through changing that which we’ve come to take for granted and accept as ‘who’ we are.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

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What My Aversion to the Color Orange Revealed about Me. DAY 317

September 19, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

orange fashion design 1024x576 What My Aversion to the Color Orange Revealed about Me. DAY 317In this post I am continuing with exploring my relationship to colors and the preferences and aversions that I’ve created towards specific colors. I am here specifically going to walk a self-forgiveness process in relation to the colors that I’ve created the most intense aversion towards which I outlined in the previous post, here starting with the color orange.

Before I start I would like to mention that I’ve begun a process of embracing the colors that I’ve previously had an aversion towards through integrating them into my life. I have for example bought a pair of purple training shoes recently and while I didn’t buy them because they were purple but because they fit my feet well, this is something I would have never done in the past, as I would have judged the color purple as ‘archaic’ and ‘outdated’ and ‘too feminine’. I have found that integrating the colors into my life that I have previously had an aversion towards is assisting me to embrace the colors and to release and let go of any negative energetic charge and judgment that I hold towards them. Similarly I have deliberately avoided reaching out to my preferred colors when I am shopping for example or when I draw with the kids at work, which also assists to release the energetic preference and attraction towards specific colors. My goal is to see colors equally without having specific preferences or reactions towards them. So this is something that I’d suggest for anyone who has similar experiences towards colors that I’ve had as a practical way to assist and support yourself to create a commonsensical relationship to colors.

Self-Forgiveness

ORANGE

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an aversion and resistance towards the color orange

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate my aversion towards the color orange by thinking about how much I dislike orange and by speaking to others about it, thereby charging my reaction towards the color even more, by validating and confirming it for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to speak and think the words: “orange is a disgusting color”, “orange is my least favorite color”, “I hate orange”, “I would never wear something orange”, “orange is such an ugly color”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and convince myself that orange truly is an ugly color and as such blame the color orange for the experience that I have created towards it, when I have in fact not seen the actual color orange for what it is, but only a reactive relationship that I’ve created within my own mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the color orange with feeling sick and vomiting and thereby attach an experience of disgust to the word orange

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to attach an experience of disgust to vomiting, as though vomiting in itself is something gross and disgusting when in fact it is simply the emptying out of stomach content that can have a strong smell due to the decomposition process taking place in the stomach

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that my resistance and aversion towards the color orange is a real and objective reaction and that what I am reacting to is what the color orange in fact is, when in fact I’m only reacting to my own mind’s interpretation of and association with the color orange based on memories

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how preferences and aversions towards colors stems from memories attached to the colors in the mind that I’ve charged with either a positive, negative or neutral energetic charge

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is perfectly normal and acceptable, in fact good, to have distinct preferences and aversions towards specific colors

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the colors that I have preferences and aversions towards and within this define myself as someone that is not ‘an orange person’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance, judgment and disgust when someone brings something orange into my house to become part of the décor of my house because I have so disassociated myself with the color orange that I feel and experience it as ‘not me’ to have orange in my house

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to reject the color orange, not realizing that within doing so, I was rejecting a part of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how extensively I’ve limited myself based on my accepted preferences and aversions to specific colors, where I’ve literally missed out on an entire color spectrum all due to having attached those colors to a negative energetic experience attached to a memory that I am not even consciously aware of

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate the color orange with vomiting and with vomiting into an orange bucket, thereby as a small child, associating the negative experience I had towards vomiting with the color orange, simply because the color orange happened to be present and part of the experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how preferences and aversions towards colors can be created within the mind after having had energetic reactions associated with and attached to specific memories wherein that color featured – and how this actually applies to any and all preference and aversion, thus making our aversions and preferences gifts because through them we can source back the memories we’ve defined ourselves according to and used to hold onto the past and exist in energy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the color orange as ‘too much’, as ‘too intense’, as ‘invasive’ and ‘intrusive’ due to the sometimes strong light and brightness featured through the color orange

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to without realizing it, identify the color orange with myself and within this project a judgment of myself onto the color orange, because of how the color orange is often featured in my world (used to highlight things, bring attention to something)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project a judgment of myself as being ‘intrusive’, ‘dominant’ and ‘too much’ onto the color orange because its features reminds me of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge the color orange for ‘trying to bring attention to itself’ – when in fact this was exactly what I had judged myself for

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a judgment and a belief that it is ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ to bring attention to oneself, instead of seeing that bringing attention to oneself and be both necessary and it can be supportive, but it can also be something one does from a starting-point of insecurity and ego – which is not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ – it is simply a specific survival and coping strategy

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that bringing attention to oneself can be supportive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I judged was disgusted by and resisted in and through the color orange was in fact myself

Self-Commitment and Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am reacting to the color orange by resisting it, I stop and I breathe. Instead of removing myself from the color orange or the color orange from me, I move myself closer to the color, I embrace it, I let it embrace me, I merge myself with it.

I realize that the aversion I’ve created towards the color orange actually had to do with a judgment towards myself as being exactly that which I judged the color orange to be. I realize that my aversion towards the color orange was an aversion towards myself for trying to bring attention to myself from other people.

I realize that I’ve created aversions and preferences towards colors in my mind based on memories where I’ve had a positive, negative or neutral energetic reaction that I’ve then attached to the memory and defined myself according to.

I commit myself to embrace the color orange and so in affect embrace myself. I commit myself to embrace and unconditionally accept and be grateful for the specific properties the color orange has of bringing attention to itself, which makes it a supportive color used for example in situations of safety where people or objects has to be seen in traffic. I realize that I can do the exact same with myself, make bringing attention to myself something supportive that I do if required, but that I do not judge myself for or see as bad or wrong – nor as positive. I commit myself to integrate the color orange into my life so that I can equalize my relationship to the color and exist in equality with the color orange here as myself.

favicon What My Aversion to the Color Orange Revealed about Me. DAY 317 What My Aversion to the Color Orange Revealed about Me. DAY 317favicon What My Aversion to the Color Orange Revealed about Me. DAY 317 What My Aversion to the Color Orange Revealed about Me. DAY 317

What is Your Favorite Color? DAY 316

September 15, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

Emotional Color Wheel 2 1024x574 What is Your Favorite Color? DAY 316Recently my relationship to color has opened up through conversations with a friend who had quite the opposite preferences towards colors than I did. A lot of fun came out of those conversations where we laughed, particularly at my, sometimes rigid relationship to colors. I have for quite some time been aware that I have a rather limited and restricted relationship to colors, you might even say that I am somewhat of a ‘fascist’ when it comes to colors and color-schemes, in that I will find some colors almost unacceptable, for example if my partner wants to bring a new color into our home.

Yesterday I listened to an amazing interview that explains how and why we create aversion and preferences towards specific colors on Eqafe and so in the coming blog-posts, I will walk through, release and redefine my energetic relationship to color, so that I can embrace all colors equally, see them for what they are and not hold any energetic or emotional reactions towards them.

I will start by identifying the specific relationship that I’ve created towards colors and the positive and negative charged (based on memories) that I’ve attached to them. I will then begin exploring first the relationship I’ve created towards colors that I’ve reacted negative to and the origin of that aversion.

Intense negative

  • Orange
  • Purple
  • Brown

Slightly negative

  • Red
  • Burgundy
  • Dark Green
  • Royal Blue
  • Beige
  • Salmon pink

Can be both negative and positive and neutral

  • Light Green
  • Pink
  • Light purple

Intense positive

  • Turquoise
  • Teal
  • White

Slightly Positive

  • Blue
  • Light Blue
  • Black
  • Grey
  • Curry yellow
  • Light yellow
  • Military green

Transcended color reactions

  • Sun/Banana Yellow

Lets begin:

I have the most intensely negative relationship towards the colors Orange and Purple, followed by a dislike of brown unless brown is matched with other colors.

When looking at the memories that triggers these intense aversions, I realize that my relationship for example to the color orange that has been one of the strongest and most negative in my life, actually does not have anything to do with the physical color orange. Because for example, our entire apartment complex is painted in orange color schemes and that is not something I react towards. Interestingly however, I would react if I were to have that orange into my own apartment. And yet, when I confront myself with the real color orange, I have no issue – thus showing that the ‘issue’, is in my mind and in my mind alone. So I’ve been looking at what the origin is of my aversion towards orange, purple and brown. Interestingly enough, there are different memories popping up and therefore also affecting my relationship to that specific color.

With orange I feel almost sick, like I want to throw up. And last night when I was going to rest and looking at my resistance to the various colors, I had this image (or memory) come up of an orange blanket and an orange bucket where I would puke. The memory is still quite fuzzy, so I can’t confirm that either memory triggered my aversion towards orange, but it did however support me to realize how aversions towards colors can be created, whereas I actually previously thought that I simply had a very strong preference, but maybe puking into an orange bucket as a child triggered a negative relationship, since I slightly connect this color with being sick.

With purple however it is a different story. The resistance I experience towards purpose is also of a different nature. Purple I would say that I judge as being an ‘ugly color’, ‘not trendy’ – unless it is matched with specific other colors to neutralize its effect. This was exposed last week where I was buying candles with my partner, normally I will simply decide and but them for us, but this time my partner decided to get a purple candle. I tried arguing against it explaining how it won’t match our walls or bed but my partner was rather insistent and of course saw my color-aversion come up as a form of dictatorship towards what color candle to get. Eventually I came up with the compromise to buy all the colors they had, which made the color purple more acceptable to me, resulting in us now having 5 big candles placed on a small table in our bedroom. So within this it becomes evident how intense my relationship to color has been, and how I’ve simply accepted and defined it as something completely and entirely normal to obsess over. So with purple candle,, I judged it as ‘old-fashioned’ and ‘out of style’ and when I looked at my aversion towards this color, a memory popped up of me wearing a purple jumpsuit or pants to school that another student ridiculed as being old-fashioned and from there I decided to swear off all things purple.

It is interesting to see how the aversion towards orange and purple has different triggers and reactions due to the memory they are attached to and it is like these relationships become very personal, almost like the color IS the memory.

With the color brown I also see has had to do with judgments other people has had, though not personally towards me and therefore this color does not carry the same energetic charge within me, because it has more been through hearing people criticizing brown things that I’ve created this aversion. I grew up in the 80s and 90s and during this time in Denmark, there was a strong aversion towards anything resembling 60s and 70s style. Specifically in the 60s and 70s it was these very strong colors like brown and orange that was popular, so it created a general resistance in society where brown and orange was then seen as ‘dated’ and ‘archaic’. So I see that my reactions towards brown are more cultural and not as deep-seated. Then of course there is also the reference with brown to the taboo of feces, which adds another resistance to it on a cultural level.

Interestingly enough, I see that my slight aversion towards royal blue, beige and salmon pink also is a cultural aversion that stems from these colors being  popular colors in the 80s and so with me growing up primarily in the 90s, I then saw them as ahcaic and out of style.

My slight aversion towards other dark colors such as burgundy and dark green I see more having to do with me not being exposed to them as much growing up due to the fact that my mother had a distinct preference towards light, white and pastel colors.

In the next post I will continue with self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements on these negative reactions and in posts to come I will continue with the colors that I’ve created a positive energetic reaction towards.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

 

 

I Am What I Feel I Am…or Am I? DAY 315

September 13, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

anatomy of the brain hd wallpaper 1024x640 I Am What I Feel I Am...or Am I? DAY 315In this post I will share some recent insights and realizations in relation to two specific points that has to do with how patterns move in ‘cycles’ or ‘stages’ and how I’ve defined and identified myself in relation to energetic experiences.

So the first realization that I’d like to share here has to do with ‘standardized’ patterns within me that I’ve participated within and that, if I do not direct them and myself within and as them to a point of practical correction, will escalate into more and more intense experiences. It is quite fascinating to observe, because there will be these ‘stages’ where, if I don’t direct myself to stop at that particular stage, the experience and possession will go to the next – predictable – stage. Let me give an example:

I have had a tendency of postponing things, making excuses and suppressing what comes up within me. I now have effectively started to stop that a while back. What then happened was that things changed in my practical reality where I had to prioritize some of my responsibilities over others. This then ‘opened the door’ for this pattern to re-instate itself.  It starts off ‘innocently’ with ignoring one thought or suppressing one experience. If I don’t ‘catch’ myself there and stop and correct myself, this ‘cycle’ starts moving. So first I’ll feel guilty and judge myself for having accepted and allowed myself to postpone, then blame and anger. Then I feel sorry for myself and feel victimized even though I was the one doing it to myself all along. Then I start feeling depressed and demotivated and do not want to participate in anything. Then the excuses become more and more. Eventually in my life this pattern at its worst have ended up with that ‘crawling into a hole’ experience where I’d sleep more, watch more TV and generally wanted to hide myself. But if I simply had corrected myself immediately when that first thought of “oh I’ll do this later…” for example came up, I could have spared myself all this inner conflict and turmoil that in turn made me ineffective in my reality too. It is really that simple: forgive, correct, and move on.

The other pattern I’ve been seeing has to do with emotional energy:

I’ve realized that I’ve defined my ‘where I am’ based on energetic and polarized experiences. So for example, if I’ve written a blog that I am satisfied with, I’ll feel good about myself, feel like I am effective and doing well. In that I will carry myself in a ‘successful’ and ‘confident’ way and will direct my reality accordingly, in an experience of ‘self-trust’ and ‘confidence’. Then, if something ‘bad’ happens where I make a mistake or I am shown or see for myself a point that I didn’t handle effectively, or for example now where I’ve not written many blogs or applied self-forgiveness and have started slipping back into past patterns, I go into an experience of feeling ‘low’, starting to become uncertain of myself, feeling insecure, thinking that I’m not good enough, what I’m doing is not effective.

I’ve then wanted to hold onto the positive side of things, the experience of myself as being effective, and the happiness. When I am in that state of mind, I convince myself that it is real, that I am ‘through the clouds’ and that my experience is simply an expression of my effectiveness. But the thing is that in those moments, when I come ‘through the clouds’ – I feel relieved. And then I start fueling the idea of myself as being effective, being alright, being on top, being ‘in the game’ – and so when I hit the low again through making a mistake or facing something contradictory about myself that doesn’t fit into the idea of effectiveness, I crash.

It’s like one of those scenes in sci-fi movies where the person was in a delusion/illusion and was seeing this wonderful environment, and then they abruptly wake up and realize that they are in a completely different place, a dark, dirty and wet place and that they had been fooling themselves into thinking that they are on ‘cloud 9’.

So I experience this rough landing, seemingly ‘back in reality’ – but where I’ve ‘landed’ is actually in the negative polarity of the exact same pattern, because it very strikingly goes from ‘everything is perfect, I’m awesome, I’m so effective’ to ‘oh my god I can’t do anything right, I’m totally fucked, I’m doomed, I’m simply not good enough’ – thus indicating that I haven’t landed back in reality but in another illusion/delusion in/through my mind.

Ironically it is so that the things that I do when I’m in this effective state, they ARE in fact effective, at least to some degree, because obviously since I’m bringing energy into the equation, it is not yet an unconditional and absolute expression of myself, which in turn also affects the outcome and consequences of my actions, for example that I miss points, that I’m not specific enough or that I’m acting out of a desire for energy, to create an ‘effective experience’ of myself. It’s the same with the negative polarity; it is not so that what I see about myself is totally false or untrue, it is more that I’m taking the mistakes I make, the ‘brutal truths’ about myself personally and react and define myself according to them. In relation to this I also see how becoming depressed and judgmental about the ‘negative’ sides of ourselves is a self-manipulation tactic because it takes all focus away from actually taking responsibility for oneself.

All of this goes to show how intensely and heavily I’ve relied on energy to define and move myself in my world and my reality. It is an extremely volatile cocktail because within making just one mistake that I then react to, its like my entire world crashes before my eyes.

This is also a different dimension of energy than what I’ve seen previously in relation to my specific relationship to energy, because it is very basic and foundational, which I see is how I have come to take it entirely for granted. So when something ‘good’ happens, I ‘feel good’ and I define myself according to that good feeling as ‘good’ and when something ‘bad’ happens I ‘feel bad’ and define myself according to that bad feeling as ‘bad.’ But these rules are entirely made by me, because I can make mistakes that I cover up or lie to myself about and don’t feel bad about and I can make mistakes that for other people might seem entirely harmless where I end up defining myself as the most evil person on the planet.

I realize that in relation to effectiveness for example, it doesn’t define me. Being effective is simply being effective. Not being effective is simply not being effective. I’ve realized that any experience is like an additional layer (of separation and illusion) on top of actual reality, because experience it, instead of being it, living it – immediately and directly. So an experience in this context is where the mind reflects on what is happening in physical reality and then interprets that and define itself according to it. An experience of ‘confidence’ is therefore not confidence in fact as a living expression of self, but a simulation based on how the mind had interpreted what ‘confidence’ is through memories.

Something that I’ve also realized in relation to seeing these patterns more clearly, is how I’ve made the assumption/conclusion that because I feel something inside of my body, it is ’me’ and so within identifying what I experience as ’me’ through reflecting myself back to myself, I not only amplify the experience by validating it as real, but also go look for explanations such as in the negative polarity that ”I am not good enough” for example.

Within this, I’ve realized that there are two different minds so to speak. There is the physically manifested experience-mind that is entirely infused into the body which is why we’ll experience things on a physical level as a ’feeling’ that we then interpret as reflecting who we are – and then there is the cognitive-mind, the thinking-mind that through words, images and specific memories interprets the experience-mind.

So let’s say for example that I’ve been used to being in a certain state of energetic reaction and now I’ve effectively transcended it and am generally more stable and silent within myself. The thinking-mind then looks at the physical body experience and looks for ’mental matches’ to determine what experience this is and will then define the experience as a ’longing’ or a ’depression’ because there is now a sense of a ’void’ after one had stopped the energetic experience.

The various parts or aspects of the mind are therefore in reflective relationships with one another, where we will use the thinking-mind to interpret and define the experience-mind and within and through that will accept that: ”this is who I am.” I realized that I had accepted and allowed myself to accept that because I feel something within me, it automatically means that I am that.

So what I’ve been practicing is to first of all feel the energy and look at the experience within it and then have a look also at the reflections of the thinking-mind’s interpretation of the experiences. I’ve realized that I’ve relied heavily on experiencing myself as something and within that, ’locating’ myself based on an experience and I realize that I’ve been wanting to hold onto that, because I wanted to hold onto the positive aspect or polarity within it. But obviously it is not worth it and is only to the detriment of myself and of the physical body.

The solution that I’ve then come up with for myself is to, in relation to the first pattern I shared, push myself to apply corrections immediately – to not wait or believe or accept thoughts as ‘harmless’. In relation to the second pattern, it has assisted me immensely; in fact the only thing that assisted was to apply self-forgiveness out loud while moving by body and my arms. Within doing this, I allowed myself to feel the energy and to see how the mind interpreted and attached the energetic experience with words like ‘weak’ an ‘unmotivated ‘and then I applied self-forgiveness on those experiences until I was clear within myself. I also spoke corrective and commitment statements in relation to no longer accepting or allowing myself to trust what I feel in my body as energetic experiences. This assisted me immensely and I learned the lesson to not wait until experiences escalate, because the more we let them escalate, the more the mind cements itself into the physical body where eventually we start seeing and accepting ourselves (and the world!) as that one experience, not realizing how we’ve cocooned ourselves in a virtual experience and that all along, we are still here in this physical reality, waiting for ourselves to wake up and snap out of it so that we can continue walking our process out of the mind and into life as who we are.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

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Perseverance: The Only Way Out is Through. DAY 314

September 9, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

image Perseverance: The Only Way Out is Through. DAY 314“All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” ― Samuel Beckett

“Success is a little like wrestling a gorilla. You don’t quit when you’re tired. You quit when the gorilla is tired.” ― Robert Strauss

Perseverance

pəːsɪˈvɪər(ə)ns/

noun

noun: perseverance

1. persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success

persevere (v.)

mid-14c., from Old French perseverer “continue, persevere, endure” and directly from Latin perseverare “continue steadfastly, persist,” from persevereus “very strict, earnest,” from per- “very” (see per) + severus “strict” (see severity). Related: Persevered; persevering.

When I have looked at the word perseverance what came up is a judgment towards myself where I would look back at my past and see the moments in my life where I did not persevere but where I gave up easily, sometimes even before I had started something new. I defined myself according to my relationship to perseverance – or the lack their of, in the past.

So within opening this word up for myself I noticed something fascinating; how we tend to define ourselves according to ‘who’ we were the past and so limit ourselves to perpetually exist in the past, within saying that: “that’s how it’s always been so that’s how it is going to continue to be.” We don’t realize how much we are shaping the future to the very bounds and measurements we have created for ourselves, where we step into a self-fulfilling prophecy without knowing that we are the ones creating it; it doesn’t exist “because that’s how it has always been” but because we say it is so.

I also realized that I was cementing this limitation within myself in relation to the word and expression of perseverance by ‘proving’ my lack of perseverance to myself through counting all the times I didn’t persevere, and so I concluded that the likelihood that I won’t persevere in the future is that much greater because of what I’ve done in the past.

But – I didn’t for a moment stop and look at my relationship to the word perseverance, I didn’t look at redefining the word for myself, making it my own, taking responsibility for it and explore the practical ways I can – and maybe already have, lived this word without being aware of it.

When I’ve looked within myself at what perseverance is, I’ve seen an image of someone pushing up against a snowstorm in thick snow with a determined look on his or her face. They cannot see anything in front of them or around them, all they see is snow. And so they keep their eyes on their feet, placing one foot in front of the other, taking one arduous step after another. They will surely die if they stop, if they look up and start trying to orientate themselves, they will surely lose their balance. They might not know where they are or how far they have to walk to get to their destination; so in that moment they apply perseverance. When they feel a sting of fear towards going in the wrong direction, they keep their focus on their fear, when they feel tired and exhausted and start wondering how much further they have to go, they stop the thought, they silence it – and keep walking. That is perseverance to me.

So when I look at this image I’ve had of what perseverance is I see that I’ve seen it as this honorable and noble virtue, something that I would want to strive to achieve and that I don’t already live. I realize that the ‘issue’ that I’ve had with perseverance is that I’ve separated myself from the word and the expression of the word, and placed it on a pedestal in my mind. I realize that I have already lived perseverance and that perseverance isn’t always about surviving these arduous trials and tribulations, but can also be applied in the mundane day-to-day situations that one face in one’s life. An example is that when I ride my bike on a stormy day with rain pounding on my face and I feel how the wind is pushing up against me, I stand up on my bike and I push back and I push until I am through and I again can ride without risking being knocked off my feet.

The basic definition of the word perseverance is “persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success” and that is definitely something I see that I have done throughout my life. Looking at the root of the word and the origin of the prefix ‘per’ and the suffix’ ‘severe’, what steps forth is an even more basic definition of perseverance that can be interpreted as ‘very strict’ or ‘through holding’, So what I see is interesting in this context is how perseverance is an expression of self that steps forth when one is faced with a difficult situation and yet decide to stick to and walk through it. It is that ‘strictness’ with self that is needed in that moment of facing adversity, like in my example with the snowstorm above where the being would strictly focus on walking through the snow, one step after another and would not allow themselves to get distracted by neither external or internal influences.

So when looking at all of this, what I see is that I’ve taken the perseverance that I’ve already lived for granted, meaning: I didn’t realize that I was living and applying perseverance. I’ve then created this definition of perseverance in my mind as something noble and grand, and separate from me and have instead held onto a definition of myself as someone that easily gives up, perpetuating this definition into reality by making it a self-fulfilling prophecy. There are definitely areas in my life where I have not lived perseverance and therefore I cannot say that perseverance is yet an absolute expression of myself. I see that to live perseverance – or any word – as a living expression of myself, I first have to stop separating myself from the word and its expression and place it on a pedestal within my mind as something I’ve yet to attain to and secondly to stop holding onto a definition of myself as someone who does not or cannot live perseverance. I know now that I can – and that I have lived perseverance, but that I had defined the word as something more and bigger than me in my mind while holding onto a inferiorized definition of myself. I realize that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by how I’ve seen perseverance being portrayed in books and movies as something outstanding and noble that only a few people can muster up the courage and strength to live. I realize now that millions of people live perseverance every single day from they wake up until they fall asleep without seeing it as something special or grandiose, but something they do, because what else is there? Lie down and die? Give up on life? Of course not. So perseverance is not magic, it is not rocket science – it is simply that push we give ourselves to keep going when the road gets tough where we put our strength and focus into walking through something that may be difficult or where there is no immediate end in sight. We keep going, we keep walking – until it is done.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

 

The ‘Battle of Words’ Character. DAY 313

August 31, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

tumblr mhz3ohFUGc1rcq9lto6 1280 632x1024 The Battle of Words Character. DAY 313Why and how is it that we come to accept abusive and consequential behavior as normal in our relationships with others? Why and how is it that we have turned discussions and disagreements that could have been solved commonsensically and practically, into battles where we wage wars with each other through our words?

Throughout my life and especially during my childhood and teenage years I lived in a culture where it was normal to have hefty discussions and arguments. I remember sitting at house-meetings at the commune where I grew up where we would have these war-like arguments that to me felt like a battle for life and death. Through my discussions and arguments with other people I built and developed what I call a ‘battle’ character, in essence to survive in the ‘war of words’. It is interesting now that I look back at it to see how I was completely consumed with fear and petrification in those moments and yet I came to accept it as completely normal to ‘battle’ each other in discussions.

When I have discussions now with my partner, I’ve found that I often enter into this ‘battle’ character and had it not been for my partner pointing out that there are other, more supportive ways to communicate, I would have continued to think and believe that ‘battling’ is normal in discussions and arguments. My partner has often said to me that I sound very angry and it has often surprised me, because I do not feel particularly angry inside. It is more a way of communicating that I have learned growing up; if you want to have any chance at surviving in the ‘war of words’ you best suit up and get your battle-gear ready.

So as we were discussing this tendency and how it reveals itself in a difference in my voice tonality and the way I carry my body, I could see how I, when there is an argument/disagreement, literally start preparing myself for ’battle’. I put on my virtual helmet and armor and I grab my virtual sword and then I start fencing my opponent through words. Previously in my life this was the standard way of having arguments and disagreements with other people, but when you’re suddenly standing in front of an opponent who is gently asking you to stop and consider your words, it becomes obvious how unnecessary it actually is to approach discussions and disagreements and arguments as ‘battles’.

I’ve spent years perfecting the ‘art of war’ as battling with my body and my words in discussions with others, but I have not until now cared for or considered what effect it had on my physical body as well as on others. I believed that it was entirely normal and necessary to be able to battle others through words and that I would risk being squashed if I didn’t – and all the while it took a great toll on my physical body that I didn’t even notice, where I didn’t realize that to battle others, I was battling and defeating myself.

So I will here walk a self-forgiveness process to lay down my armor, my shield and my sword so that I can be here and participate in discussions and disagreements from a starting-point of common sense and stability, realizing that it isn’t necessary to battle one another simply because that is how I was taught growing up by observing my environment and then integrating myself into it.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to step into arguments and disagreements from a starting-point of subconsciously and unconsciously thinking and believing that I am going into battle, where I, in a matter of a few seconds equip myself with a ‘virtual armor’ through which I prepare myself to battle my opponent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a virtual armor for myself where I harden my body preparing it for battle, where I tense my muscles and place all my focus of awareness and attention in my face, eyes, mouth, head and shoulders as though in that moment I only exist in those few places in my body, sharpening them as much as I possibly can, but without actually being more physically aware or attentive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sharpen and harden my eyes and my mouth and jaw and head especially when going into arguments and disagreements so as to present myself as stoic, strong, undefeatable to my opponent, so that they may be threatened by me and back down, so as to assert my authority over them and so as to boost myself because I actually come from a starting-point of fear and petrification towards arguments and disagreements

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately change and raise my voice tonality and the volume/depth of my voice so that I can literally use my voice as a weapon through which I attempt to dominate, convince and overpower the other person, ultimately so as to not risk going into a battle and losing but rather defeating them in having them stand down before the battle has even begun

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in the battle character, experience and perceive myself consciously as strong and fierce and fearless and powerful and superior, where underneath it all and within my starting-point I am shaking in my pants in fear and petrification

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel proud of myself of how I am able to carry myself in arguments and disagreements i.e. how I am able to battle other people with my words, stemming from memories of being overtly scared of entering into arguments and disagreements, avoiding them like the pest and then looking up to women whom I saw as strong and scary and fierce and then making the decision within myself to become like them within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I was in arguments and disagreements as a child and teenager, where I feared my opponent, especially other women, believe that I am inferior and that there is something wrong with me, that I am weak because I fear them and having conflicts with them, and that they then are strong and superior and within this look up to the expression of being fierce, sharp and authoritative, ranging on brutal in arguments and disagreements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to believe and accept that being brutal, fierce, sharp and overpowering towards others in disagreements and arguments is positive because I judged myself for fearing and being petrified towards having disagreements and arguments with others and within that concluded that if I were to have the same expression of fierceness I would be strong – not realizing that this is not real strength or power but in fact is abusive and bullying

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel petrified and anxious towards arguments and disagreements with people whom I perceive as being stronger than me due to how they carry and express themselves in the discussion, where the subject or topic of discussion becomes entirely irrelevant because the ‘battle’ becomes about who is stronger and can evoke fear in the other and make the other pull back and stand down

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to believe that arguments and disagreements is about winning over the other person and that winning is all that matters, instead of actually focus on the topic at hand and looking at what is best for all in the situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel strong, powerful, invincible and superior when another backs down or stands down in an argument where I experience myself as a winner without even considering that winning the argument or the disagreement may not in fact be based on what is best for all but on evoking fear and petrification in another, making them feel inferior, weak and start doubting themselves simply because of how I present myself as being threatening towards them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to my partner speaking calmly with a soft voice when we have arguments and disagreements because he is not following what I’ve come to believe is the ‘norm’ of an argument and a disagreement and so because he doesn’t participate in the battle that I perceive the argument and disagreement to be, I can no longer battle him to win

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist letting go of and giving up my battle character, because I fear that if I were to do that, I would automatically lose and be squashed in arguments and disagreements, revealing the fact that underneath the battle character I am actually still existing in fear and petrification – when in fact disagreements shouldn’t be about winning but about assessing what is best for all in a particular situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that battling another is the only tool I have to effectively direct an argument or disagreement to what I see is best for all/commonsensical in the moment, when in fact the manifestation of the battle itself is not best for all or commonsensical and as such by accepting and allowing myself to go into the battle character, I negate any commonsense I might have seen, I make the discussion personal, competitive, ego-based and nullify any commonsense perspective I may have seen

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, consider and accept that it is possible to have disagreements with others without having to battle one another and where, if I don’t battle the other, it doesn’t mean that I automatically loose, because a disagreement is not about winning or losing, it is about finding a common ground to make decisions together based on what is best for all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make disagreements and arguments about me personally where I believed and experienced that if I lose the argument or disagreement it was the same as losing a part of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that whatever perspective I come into a disagreement or argument with is automatically true or righteous simply because it is my perspective, thus coming from a starting-point of self-interest, where my focus is asserting myself – instead of actually looking at what is best for all and commonsense in the discussion

Self-Corrective and Self-Commitment Statements

When I hear my partner saying something that I do not agree with and I see myself tensing up immediately within my body as an indication that I am preparing myself for battle, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have integrated a ‘battle’ character into and as myself that I have accepted to be ‘who I am’ and activate as soon as a disagreement or argument emerges in my reality and that I therefore have to stop myself at a physical level because this character functions through my physical gestures and voice tonality.

As such I also realize that I have a gift in having these physical indicators that show me that I’ve gone into the battle character, when my eyes, face, jaw, head and mouth hardens and become stiff and all my attention goes to this part of my body and when the pitch of my voice becomes sharp, harsh and I speak very fast.

I commit myself to stop accepting myself as a soldier going into battle when I am having disagreements with other people.

I commit myself to stop fearing and being petrified towards having disagreements with other people.

I realize that I do not need to battle other people with my words and gestures when I disagree with them, because there is actually not anything that is physically threatening me by someone disagreeing with me.

I commit myself to stop fearing that I will lose if I do not win the battle of words with someone whom I am in a disagreement with because I realize that a disagreement is not about who wins and who loses, as it is about what is best for all and commonsensical in the moment, which isn’t something personal.

I realize that I’ve made disagreements personal and that I have believed that I must fight for my perspective or argument, within and as taking it for granted that because it is mine, it is automatically true or righteous, instead of actually looking at the disagreement from the perspective of what is best for all, what is commonsensical and in which person’s perspective alignments can be made to align their perspective to what is best for all.

When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in a disagreement, discussion or argument where I see that my voice tonality is high pitches, sharp and I am speaking fast as an indication that I’ve stepped into the battle character, I stop and I breathe. I take a moment to re-stabilize myself here in my body and I change my voice tonality back to my natural level and I soften my face, head, mouth, jaw and eyes and then I look at the different perspectives again in terms of seeing what is best for all and what is commonsensical in the situation.

I realize that there is no danger in ‘loosing’ arguments or disagreements and that if there is a true danger, then it is really not so much a matter of discussing the point as it is a matter of effectively directing the situation immediately in the moment. As such I realize that with most arguments and disagreements, there is actually room to breathe, step back and reconsider one’s own and the other person/people’s perspective

I commit myself to change my starting-point and approach to arguments and disagreements from fear, petrification and battle and competition to a practical assessment about what is best for all and what is commonsense in the situation. I commit myself to be open to the fact that the perspective I share and present might not be commonsensical and as such be open to reconsider my perspective and my starting-point in the situation without fearing to lose myself/my ground. I commit myself to, when I clearly see that what I present/share is in fact commonsensical and best for all, to assist and support those whom I discuss with, to see what I see – and even if they don’t, to not take it personally but to simply look at practical solutions and possible ways that I can implement what I see is best for all.

I realize that if I approach a discussion, a disagreement or an argument from a starting-point of battling or from a starting-point of fear of conflict where I take the argument or disagreement personally, making it about me winning so that I can have a superior experience of myself, I completely negate the actual point of commonsense and what is best for all that I initially saw, which completely nullifies what I saw, because I am not acting in accordance to what is best for all or what is commonsense in my approach to solving the situation. I am not standing as an example of what I see and I am not treating another as I would like to be treated – as such I commit myself to let go of the battle character and I commit myself to practice the point of speaking and communicating commonsensically as myself here, in stability, focusing on directing the situation and the disagreement to what is best for all.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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