How Suppression Makes You An Emotional Ticking Time Bomb. DAY 349

Today I was faced with a particular emotional experience. It was interesting to see how the emotiona

Male/Female Dynamics: The Battered Woman Character. DAY 348

Recently I’ve been having some very vivid dreams. The theme of the dreams is that I am in an argum

Letting Go of the Idea of Being a Perfect Mother. DAY 347

Have you ever experienced how you can sometimes have an idea of yourself that is so strong, an image

 

How Suppression Makes You An Emotional Ticking Time Bomb. DAY 349

April 15, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

emotional time bombToday I was faced with a particular emotional experience. It was interesting to see how the emotional experience developed, while being more aware of myself, because as it developed, I could see the various trigger points unfold.

Audio recordings to support with developing awareness of one’s mind:

Emotions Slipping Out – Quantum Systemization – Part 85

Mind Aware – Quantum Mind Self Awareness

I AM Emotional – Quantum Systemization – Part 83

So my partner had said something to me that I had reacted to as being hurtful and at once, lots of other points from the past started emerging, points that I “thought I had dealt with” but that evidently were still roaming around within me. For some time I’ve been looking at the point of suppression and how I’ve done myself a great disservice by becoming very effective at suppressing my emotions. So what I have started seeing is that my default way of ‘handling’ emotional turmoil would be to ‘wait it out’ – through distracting myself, through sleeping, through basically ‘checking out’ until the emotion had passed and I felt ‘fine’ again. Then I would make the assumption that I was ‘stable again’ because I no longer felt emotional, but what I had done was letting the body/mind relationship handle the emotion for me, where the body would absorb the emotion and the mind would store it deeper down in its ‘catacombs’ – and as was evident from this ‘incident’ was that it was certainly not gone or ‘dealt with’.

So, if I suppress an emotion by ignoring it and by simply doing nothing until it subsides, it does not mean that it is gone, but that I store it within me and that it can at any point be triggered, like a wound that was never really healed but covered up with Band-Aids and that can at any point reopen and start bleeding again. I’ve basically covered my entire body with these Band-Aids, each one representing an emotion, more or less making me a walking ‘open wound’ ready to bleed at any given moment or a ticking time bomb ready to go of whenever something in my environment triggers the memory of the event where the emotion was stored.

I’ve also been looking at another point recently, which is a question of how one can be strong and stable in one moment, only to collapse in emotional weakness another. Well here is the answer for that.

Before starting to walk my process from consciousness to awareness, I never considered my suppression mechanism. It simply worked and ‘did the job’ in terms of keeping me so relatively stable that I never lost my mind and was able to function relatively well in society.

I do see however that this has also contributed to me easily becoming exhausted when being with others, the tendency to want to isolate myself and be alone to ‘recharge’. It has had the consequence that I can be stable talking to my partner one minute, only to be triggered by a word he speaks the next and open a can of worms of suppressed emotions.

So when the emotional experience came up today, I immediately went into the default state of not wanting to look at the emotion or deal with it and all I wanted to do was to crawl under the covers and hide until the ‘storm’ of emotion had passed. Because I was aware of my thoughts and my reactions, I decided to instead embrace the emotion, to be with it and to let it be within me, rather than sending it into the ‘catacombs’ to become yet another ticking time-bomb ready to go off at any moment.

The emotion that came up today was sadness, but a particular dimension of sadness, a sadness infused with dimension of shame and hopelessness. The general experience is one that I am all too familiar with; it is the experience of not being good enough.

It is interesting because when I look at this experience and how it has manifested throughout my life, it has been like a constant ‘background music’, like a melancholic and hopeless track underneath everything, telling a tragic tail of someone who was born to be a loser, to never go anywhere with their life, who were doomed to fail.

Interestingly enough, I also see that the emotional signature is one I have copied from my mother, as it has also been the ‘background music’ in her life, this experience of feeling that you are not good enough. Combined with having particular physical features and subscribing to certain beliefs and ideas, this experience became like a story in and of it self in my life, a story about me and who I was and what opportunities were available to me in life.

When I look at my life right now, none of the above is true. I have found a resource in myself that I always knew was there and I have started to manifest it into the physical. You could say that the seed of my being has started growing, ever so slowly and that it is undeniable, even in its infant state. So I have conflicting information existing within me. One is the emotional ‘background music’ and its attached beliefs, ideas and memories. The other is the obvious physical results of what I am busy building with my life.

I have reached a ‘point of no return’ in terms of how the fruits of my labor as the small seeds of awareness I have planted, have started to sprout and grow. It is no longer merely a vision or an idea in my head. And I am undeniably aware that I owe it to myself and to everyone else to take this seriously and to not waste any opportunity to nurture and cultivate my seedlings.

As such, it is becoming more and more evident how disruptive it is to walk around with these inner databases of stored emotions that I have defined myself according to as per default, and that can at any point and without warning trigger an emotional landslide within me. There are so many important things to do in this world, there are so many opportunities to make a difference, that it would be absolutely tragic and in fact stupid without compare, to waste these seeds, simply because I run on an archaic operating system called ‘the mind’. Hackers and computer programmers and scientists are developing new systems and technologies on a daily basis, one more advanced than the other that is changing the world as we speak. There is no reason we cannot do the same within our own lives.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where one is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Male/Female Dynamics: The Battered Woman Character. DAY 348

March 28, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

Battered woman characterRecently I’ve been having some very vivid dreams. The theme of the dreams is that I am in an argument/discussion with a male/males and I am becoming frustrated within experiencing that he/they is not listening to me.

In discussions I tend to become very tense, fearful and defensive as an automated reaction and response. I can see that I have been very clouded by judgment and blame towards the males I’ve had discussions with, perceiving it to be their fault specifically within seeing them as ‘brute’ and ‘authoritarian’.

There is something about a certain male voice tonality in a discussion that I react to and that immediately puts me on the fence within an experience of being overpowered and inferior.

I’ve previously looked at this point in relation to how, because I didn’t grow up with a male role-model (I was raised by a single mom) and most of the males in my life was quite introvert, I haven’t been exposed to the kind of masculinity (for lack of a better word) that certain males express for example in discussions.

Interestingly enough I do not at all have the same experience with females, which also makes sense since I’ve discussed with females my entire life and have listened to females discussing with each other, and being a female myself, it is something I can relate to.

So in looking at what I perceive to be different with females in discussions is that there’s always a willingness to listen, to reconsider, softness in a way – even if the discussion gets heated and the two parties disagrees. This is obviously not true in reality, as females can be equally hardheaded and can equally go into a sense of ego that drives them – however it is how I’ve differentiated in my mind.

With males in discussion, what I react to is an experience that they are standing so firm on their opinion no matter what and that there within that is an unwillingness to listen and consider other options.

I realize however that what I react to is a specific expression of certainty, assertiveness and steadfastness that I experience as so overwhelming like it literally comes at me or stands so firm that I don’t see a real discussion being possible in that moment. I also realize that this is all my own perception and that reality is not necessarily equal to what I perceive, because my reaction partly comes from an accumulation of memories of discussions with males and partly from the fact that I was a child wasn’t exposed to males expressing themselves like this and so it is not something that I’m used to.

I also realize that as I investigate this point, what is relevant to look at is not necessarily so much ‘the nature of males in discussions’ because it is within that focus that blame, separation and abdication of self-responsibility easily becomes a slobbery slope.

Interestingly enough, what I have been seeing lately is that there are two polarities to this particular ‘issue’ – where one is discussions with males where I take on an inferior position and the other being discussions with males where I take on a superior position.

So I will call these two co-residing characters “The bitch” and “The battered woman” and it is fascinating to see how both aspects exist within me and how they are the exact polar opposites of one another and obviously in this context, one cannot exist without the other. What I mean is that when I for example react in discussions with males by going into the ‘battered woman’ character, I am actually reacting to something that exists equally within me, the hardness, the not listening, the brute expression that I see in males – it exists within me too.

So as I grew up there were not a lot of male role models around which is partly to do with how I’ve created the ‘battered woman’ character, however in the same context, I DID grow up around a lot of ‘strong women’ and as oppose to males who I came to fear, I had a lot of respect and reverence towards them and so without necessarily being consciously aware of it, I integrated what I saw in them and emulated it within myself.

Obviously neither the ‘battered woman’ nor the ‘bitch’ characters are supportive when it comes to developing effective communication and relationships with other people as it becomes like putting on this dramatic play instead of having real, authentic and constructive discussions about things that matters. So I will here start to work with these characters and the way I live as and speak through them, so that I can let them go and establish supportive ways of communicating with males in particular.

Self-Forgiveness on the ‘battered woman’ character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, experience and define myself by default as a ‘battered woman’ – as someone who is used to being abused, who is expecting abuse, who is accepting herself to be abused, who cowers in the face of abuse while secretively fumes with rage towards her abuser

I forgive myself, that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive, define and experience males as inherently abusive and to through that, always expect males to be abusive and thereby wait for and anticipate the abuse in their words

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret a male’s expression, way of speaking and the content of what they say as being abusive by default because I have little experience with male expression in communication and because I have accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously believe that all men are abusive and that all women are abused

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to adopt, subscribe to and believe in a historical dynamic between men and women, where women by default are the victims of male hierarchy and where males by default are aggressive, bullying, dominating and abusive

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and to hold within and as myself a belief that men are at fault for having oppressed, abused and dominated women since the dawn of ages and that women are innocent, pure, compassionate beings who do not deserve the abused they have been exposed to – - and that women therefore have a ’carte blanche’ to be nasty and mean to men because it is apparently a part of the process of standing up to oppression – not realizing that abuse is never justified, and that holding onto a grudge is not going to help anyone – as well as realizing that men have equally been the victims of masculine hierarchy and that women too have a responsibility as well as being abusers themselves

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into a default state of feeling oppressed and abused when I speak to a male and he does not agree with me on a point where I see common sense clearly and where he stands his ground on his opinion or perspective through which I feel threatened and challenged to fight him verbally

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and use self-defense strategies when discussing with a male who does not agree with me, where I’ll either go into a panic because I don’t know how to continue the discussion within perceiving his words as ‘final’ due to my reaction to the steadfastness in his words, where I’ll simply immediately give up and later go into a secret blame towards him OR where I’ll start fighting him and challenging him OR using emotional manipulation to get him to feel bad about ‘abusing’ me so that I can get what I want – - instead of developing a clear, assertive expression within my communication where I can patiently share what I see and not go into panic if the other person doesn’t agree with me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously experience, perceive and define myself as a ‘battered woman’ and as a victim as a default by the fact that I was born as a female because of how I have picked up the ‘dynamic’ of inequality between men and woman, and even more so because I had no male role models as a child and because I was raised by women who were particularly critical towards males

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within seeing and experiencing myself as a victim by default, as inferior by default, immediately give up when I am in a discussion with a male and I see that he does not agree with me – but where I at the same time see/feel/experience that it is not okay where I then blame my giving up on him, as though its something he’s doing TO me, forcing me to ‘bow down’ to him, when that is in fact not the case – - I am bowing down because I am existing in adherence to a mental belief-system in my mind where I believe that women are inferior and males are superior AND also within this believe that I have to then ‘fight my way up’ to reclaim a position of equality or superiority

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that any time a male does not agree with me, he is by default exercising dominance and abuse and thereby go into blame and resentment towards him for apparently being oppressive, when in fact it can simply be that he does not agree with me or see what I see

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated and desperate and go into a state of panic within myself when I am in a discussion with a male who does not agree with me, because I take that as a ‘cue’ that I now have to start fighting him, and within already having accepted him as dominant I ‘know’ that I’m going to lose the fight no matter what

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a resentment towards males for being dominating where I think and believe that they are at fault for having made me oppressed and scared of expressing myself where I see myself as a representative of the entire female population and them as representatives of the entire male population and think about all the ways that women have been abused and oppressed by males in the past and how made and furious that makes me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I as a woman have a right and an obligation to stand up to a man who I perceive to be dominating – not realizing how I am venturing into the opposite polarity of wanting to become the abuser, the aggressor, the dominator and the bitch in my communication with a man, to be on top instead of being bowed down – not realizing that neither position is supportive for either of us

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I am in a discussion with a male and he does not agree with me and I see that what I am saying is common sense (whether it is or not is another discussion) and I see that I’m starting to go into panic and that I’m reacting to what I perceive as him standing firm on his perspective, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that this is the trigger point for me activating the ‘battered woman’ character where I am now becoming possessed and going into an alternate dimension in my mind of going into the dynamics of ‘men are abusers and women are victims’ – that I then either give into and subjugate myself to or that I try to fight and ‘stand up against’.

I realize that it is not true or real that men are abusers and women are victims. I realize that we all exist here as equals, despite the fact that unequal ways of existing has come to shape our relationships and from seeing my own dominance and ‘bitchyness’ preside, it is clear as day that I could have just as well been (and have been too) the abuser in a situation AND I also realize that the dynamics of inequality that exist in this world are not the fault of any one particular group of people but in fact on an existential level, co-created and self-created and as such, I have to embrace that within myself and change that within myself before I focus on changing it in someone else – because if I react to it in someone else (whether its there or not) – its not about them, it was never about them, but about me and what I accept and allow within and as myself.

I commit myself to let go of the belief and acceptance that men are to blame and at fault for having dominated women for millennia and to within that see women as inherently righteous with a right to ‘fight back’ and virtually become abusers in our relationship with males.

I commit myself to do whatever it takes to take responsibility for myself in my interaction and discussions with males and to develop effective, clear and supportive ways to communicate and have discussions.

I commit myself to breathe and be patient as I take up the challenge of learning how to have discussions without going into reactions or taking things personally or activating any number of defense mechanisms within myself.

I commit myself to embrace males as an historical archetype and to forgive them as I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to abuse, oppress and dominate other beings as I realize that we are all equally in this mess together and at this point its not really about pointing fingers or finding bad guys – because we’re all the bad guys and what matters is to pave the way forward to create effective relationships with each other based on equality and mutual support.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

To be continued as I explore more about male/female dynamics. Stay tuned.

Letting Go of the Idea of Being a Perfect Mother. DAY 347

March 14, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

Perfect motherHave you ever experienced how you can sometimes have an idea of yourself that is so strong, an image in your mind that is so vivid that it is like it is entirely removed from reality and that either reality will disrupt the image/idea you had, or the image/idea will be disruptive for reality? For me, that image has been imagining myself being a natural and perfect mother.

I always wanted to be a mother, ever since I was a little girl. It wasn’t something I obsessed over, I don’t remember playing with dolls and pretending that they were babies for example. But I always knew that I wanted to be a mother and I ‘knew’ that I would be good at it. I had this idea that it would be natural and easy for me to be a mother – much in contrast to my own mother who has often admitted that she doesn’t really handle small children well as she does not enjoy them or know what to do with them. Now, my mother wasn’t a horrible mother, but she also wasn’t the ideal image I wanted her to be. So instead, I set off to become that myself.

I remember even one time in my life saying that becoming a good mother was my primary goal in life. Obviously as many people, I didn’t have the perfect mother and so just like so many others before me I wanted to give my child what I didn’t have growing up.

I’ve always been quite ‘natural’ and ‘good’ with children. If I am at a party and there’s children there, I usually make sure to play with them and be with them, often because I find them much more interesting to be with than the adults. So over the years I created this image of myself in my mind of how great and ‘natural’ a mother I would become – not realizing that I was busy creating a ghost in my mind, a glossy, ideal image through which I would separate myself from the practical physical act of being a mother even though I hadn’t even had children yet.

It is interesting: I can easily imagine myself holding a baby, changing its diapers, or holding a toddlers hand. I can even imagine how I would experience myself with a crying baby on my hip and how the sound of its screams would keep me awake at night. What I mean to say is that I don’t have a fairytale fantasy about how wonderful and joyous it will be to have a baby. Fortunately I also have people in my life who are brave enough to share their experiences with motherhood and the process they walk in self-honesty, so it is certainly not like I surround myself with smiling ladies talking about the joy of motherhood.

So the part about the actual child is not something that I am particularly deluded about, at least not as far as I am able to see at the moment. However, when it comes to motherhood, it is something that I’ve spend years building up in my head, its something that I’ve imagined with firm conviction that I would be absolutely excellent at, so much so – that I have become afraid of not living up to my own idea of myself as it is projected into the future.

Motherhood and being a mother has become this ghost in my mind that is haunting me from all the past desires and fantasies I’ve created and in turn, I’ve become a ghost inside myself in relation to potential motherhood.

As I started looking at these points with the assistance of a friend, I realized that I’ve worked a lot with redefining what it means to HAVE a mother, but I haven’t looked at the word ‘mother/motherhood’ in relation to BEING a mother.

And what I see is that I’ve created a strong demarcated polarity of the extremely positive, firm idea of myself on one hand, an idea that I’ve come to define myself by and then a growing fear as its polarity on the other hand, a fear that speaks with a low trembling whisper: “But what if I am not able to be who I thought I was?”

So how I’ve seen myself as an ideal mother in my mind is to be someone who is infinitely patient, stable and calm, someone who is warm and playful and not restrictive or controlling in any way, someone who knows instinctively what to do when it comes to practically taking care of a baby, someone who will always be supportive and caring and never react.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an idea and an image in my mind about how I am going to be as a parent, an idea and image that I’ve committed so much to and believed so much in that I’ve literally separated myself from the reality of what it means to be a parent (or prospecting parent)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a positive ideal in my mind of how I think and believe that I will be as a parent, as a direct polarity to how I saw and perceived adults and parents as a child as being not up to the task, thereby creating an idea and image of myself as being better than them, better than other parents and more superior – - not realizing that I, by doing so was equally trapping myself in the opposite negative reality of being an inferior parent, where I fear not living up to my own ideal image

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an image and idea and self-definition of how/who I am going to be as a parent, when I haven’t actually been a parent yet and don’t know how/who I am going to be as a parent – also not realizing that being a parent is much more about deciding who I am and who I am going to be based on real-time feedback and not based on an idea in my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the idea in my mind that I am going to be the most amazing, patient, fun, caring, perfect parent who instinctively just does everything right without having ever done it before, because I am apparently ‘born like this’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within creating an ideal image/definition of myself, I also create an expectation for myself to live up to this image, I create a pressure for myself to live up to my own ideal

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the reality of being a parent (or prospecting parent) through accepting and allowing myself to be influenced and affected by media showing ‘the perfect mom’ in advertisements and movies

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously integrate images that I’ve seen in movies and advertisements of the stereotype of a perfect mom into my mind through which I’ve built and created an image and idea of myself as a perfect mom – not realizing that an ideal is like a still image, a moment of perfection captured, like a smiling mom in a kitchen with kids all around her baking – not realizing how and image is a snapshot of one moment and how in reality things aren’t absolutely perfect, like the next moment maybe the flour is knocked over or a child starts crying or the mother is for a moment focused on her baking and stops smiling – taking a picture in that moment would present an entirely different image of what kind of mom she is – even though it’s the exact same situation

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that parenting as well as everything else I’ve never done before, is something I am going to have to discover and create myself within/as AS I go – and not something I can force to become something based on a single image in my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by accepting the ideal of being a perfect parent as something that I already am, I’ve created an expectation and have put pressure on myself to become that, only that, exactly that – because otherwise I fear being a bad parent, a messy parent, an impatient parent, an angry and tired and irritated parent – like the parents I saw and lived with as a child

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that just because I am a parent does not mean that this in itself changes the totality of who I am here, meaning I’ll still have whatever ‘issues’ I have now, only there will be the additional and primary responsibility of taking care of a child – so the parent I would want to be to give a child the best life it can possibly have, is something I am going to walk, exactly as I’m already walking my process of self-perfection and purification

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be an ideal parent and that I will somehow ‘contaminate’ the child through my own polluted mind, not realizing that while this is not entirely invalid, my fear is based on thinking and believing that its possible and that I am to a certain degree already ‘pure’ rather than walking the process of parenting in real time, just like I’m walking my process now – where I take responsibility for myself and as such stand as an example to my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being a parent is first and foremost about being a guardian of the life that is the child – and I cannot expect myself to be able to do that perfectly for another if I haven’t even done that for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that parenting will just come natural to me, not considering that since parenting is something I’ve never done before, it is going to be a learning process

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take pride in the image and ideal of myself as a perfect parent, not realizing how the desire to be a mother is a preprogrammed system

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a tension field of conflict within my mind between my ideal image of myself as a perfect parent on one side and the fear of not being ready, not being good enough, of harming my child on the other

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize or consider that if I were to wait until I was perfect before I became a parent, I would never have a child

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to walk through and correct any points within/as myself that are not yet in alignment with what is best for all life when and as I become a parent – which actually reveals that I don’t trust myself to do so now either, as from this perspective, the process is no different when I am not a parent, the only difference is that I will be directly responsible for not only my life but also the life of another, which I realize that I am anyway at any moment, simply not in as a direct and obvious way as when I become a parent

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize and consider that my fear of not being good enough as a parent, my fear of contaminating my child with my own ‘issues’ – is actually a projection where I am projecting my own innocence, my own potential of becoming life, of creating myself – onto a future child, instead of focusing on doing that for myself which I see is required for me to do, to be an effective parent

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize or consider that the effectiveness of who I will be as a parent is a direct reflection of who I am as a ‘parent/guide’ in my own relationship with myself – and so my fear of not being an effective parent is actually revealing parts and aspects of myself that I am already living and that is not yet effective

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself going into and participating in thoughts and imaginations about how natural I will be as a parent through which I participate in a positive experience of superiority – I stop.

I realize that I’ve created this idea of superiority based on comparing my idea of myself to other parents that I’ve deemed to be inferior but that I also within that create and exist within and as an inferiority within myself where I fear not living up to my own ideal and my own expectations to myself.

I realize that I don’t have to be a perfect parent and I don’t have to be entirely natural, in terms of knowing exactly what to do with a child – because I have never done it before and so obviously I can’t expect myself to be absolutely perfect at it.

I realize that by creating an ideal image of myself I’ve created expectations for myself to live up to that are in complete misalignment with reality and so I’ve created a conflict inside myself where I am feeling inferior to my own projected ideal – an ideal that isn’t even real

I realize that being a parent is exactly the same as guiding and directing myself through this process, its an absolute responsibility and I realize that any fears I have about being a parent is a direct reflection of who I am in my own relationship with myself as I walk this process

As such, I commit myself to bring all fears I have about being a parent back to myself, and I commit myself to first and foremost make sure that I take responsibility for me, that I walk my process and that I build and create a trust within myself to live and move with integrity, common sense and self-honesty – because that will be the foundation of creating myself as an effective parent

I commit myself to focus on creating a sound and supportive relationship with myself where I develop my own integrity and self-honesty and self-support before venturing into the even bigger responsibility of caring for a child

I commit myself to become the ‘parent’ to myself, the guided directive responsibility that I would have wanted as a child and that I would want to give to a child coming into this world, because I realize that this is the most important relationship I will ever create and that this will be the foundation of creating myself as an effective and supportive parent

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Taking Responsibility For Our Inner Parents. 345

March 4, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

you become your parentsI recently came across a quote on Facebook directed towards parents where it said something like “The way you talk to your children becomes their inner voice.” I found that to be quite profound and it is certainly so. I’m sure many can relate to suddenly hearing your mother or father’s voice speaking to you inside your own head, despite of them no longer being a constant presence in your life. It is the exact same with certain behavioral patterns and relationship dynamics that we carry with us into our adult relationships and that affect and influence the way we interact with others in sometimes very unfortunate ways.

So in this post I am continuing what I realize has become a series where I work towards correcting patterns from my childhood that are still affecting/influencing me today, especially the ones involving the relationship with adults.

Something I’ve noticed recently in my work, as a teacher is how adults see and speak to children as though they are constantly at fault. In fact it seems like there is an inherent view on children as being ‘evil’, a wild animal that has to be broken down before it can be built up to become a civilized member of society. This especially comes up when adults see children as deliberately doing things that they’re not supposed to do, where the adult believe that the child is supposed to ‘know better’ and where the adult therefore believes that their anger and scolding is justified because it is apparently part of the process of being a parent.

Because we as adults often don’t listen to children, because we’re preoccupied elsewhere, not actually being Here with our children, we tend to make snap judgments and jump to conclusions and sometimes punish and scold children without even listening to their side of the story or getting the facts straight.

I see this happen time and time again in my work and I see the devastated look of feeling betrayed in the child’s eyes when they are scolded for something they didn’t do or that the adult misunderstood as ‘misbehaving’ when the child was simply expressing itself.

As adults we quickly take on this role of being the nagging and bitter authority whose only job it is to do damage control and who easily, yet secretly come to despise children because of it.

So within this specific dimension of parenting that is often not discussed, we see children as barbaric savages and ourselves as the well-meaning missionaries trying to civilize them. Now, I have noticed a similar pattern playing out between my partner and myself. This is obviously not something we do consciously or with deliberate intent, but what we’ve noticed is how one of us will assume the part of the child misbehaving, by doing something that the other thinks we should know better than to do. The other one will then assume the part of the authoritarian and morally judgmental parent and will based on that try to ‘support’ the other partner to see/admin their mistake and correct it.

Now – in response to the authoritarian and moralizing parent character that one of us will assume, the other one will activate the defenses that they learned as a child, warding off their parents. So whatever technique you used as a child to get your parents off your back, you will then carry with you like mental tools in your mental backpack, that you can pull out when needed.

For some that might be being evasive and non-respondent, for others it may be internalizing the critique and go into a self-blame and self-judgment, literally taking the other’s words personally and accepting them as a valid assessment of you. Others again might start to rebel against the parental figure and will become oppositional or will start acting out in secret, like a child that hides from its parents to avoid getting scolded.

Now, a situation of reaction-bouncing has started where one person reacts to the other person’s reactions that then triggers a reaction in the other and so the two people can go on indefinitely as long as they have enough reactions in their mental backpack to pick from.

If however, one person has already corrected themselves in regards to a certain behavioral pattern, they can then be the ‘goal keeper’ that stops ‘the ball’ of reactions from bouncing by literally ‘catching’ the reaction and stopping the progression of possession that both are flinging themselves into.

As such, I will work with the point here through self-forgiveness, to release these behavioral patterns and the reactions that come up within me so that I can stop the momentum of reactions and develop a new and effective way of communicating with others that isn’t based on recreating destructive patterns of the past.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take on a role of being a moralizing and authoritarian parental figure where I justify becoming angry, blaming and judgmental when another has made a mistake or has done something that I believe they should have known better than doing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that judgment and anger is ever justified or acceptable and to blame another for my experience of blame and anger and judgment by claiming that “they should have known better and therefore my reaction is appropriate.”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create ideas and beliefs about what another should or shouldn’t know and to make myself the judge over why and how another makes the mistakes they do – where if I believe that they should’ve known better, I accept and allow myself to believe that it is acceptable and appropriate to scold the person, to yell at them, to judge them – - because that is what I experienced being done onto me by adults when I was a child

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize and accept the fact that we’re all equally fucked in this world and as such we all make mistakes as we walk through this process and it is entirely unrealistic to expect for others to not make mistakes or to expect that they should know better based on my own standards or experiences

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that I am supporting another by scolding them and yelling at them when they’ve made a mistake, because that’s what adults did with me when I was a child – - not realizing that this obviously doesn’t work and that it will only have an adverse effect on the other person where I actually don’t assist them to change but do the exact opposite of supporting them to remain in a mind-pattern and as such to keep making the same mistake that I’m judging them for making

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a set of specific reactions and behavioral responses that I activate and play out automatically when and as I experience another judging me for making mistakes, where I first of all take it personally and react to the fact that they judge me – instead of stop up right here and remind myself that if another reacts to something I do, its not about me but about them and as such, it is actually my responsibility to remain stable in that moment, so that I can stand as their point of support and assist them, this not excluding me looking at the words behind their reaction and investigating whether there in fact is a relevant point of support in them, that I can bring back to myself and correct within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an automated pattern of reacting to feeling judged by another for something I’ve done where they are angry with me and think I should have known better/acted differently where I automatically accept their judgment as valid and accordingly internalize their judgment into myself and judge myself, thus validating their reaction and substantiating it by accepting it as real – and where I thus inferiorize myself and hold their judgment against myself and go into an emotional reaction of feeling like I’m not good enough, where I define the entirety of me according to their reaction – where I subsequently go into a point of blame towards them where I blame them for creating this experience of not being good enough within me, when I am in fact responsible for creating that experience within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an automated pattern of reacting to feeling judged by another for something I’ve done where they are angry with me and think I should have known better/acted differently by wanting to hide and keep secrets from them and by going into a point of rebellion where I deliberately do the things that they don’t want me to do, just because they don’t want me to do it OR where I do the opposite of deliberately doing what they want me to do, but only so as to get them off my back and get back in their good graces – where I become paranoid and afraid of angering them which causes me to suppress myself and avoid certain behavior, while inside myself blaming and resenting them for this

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop and realize that the way that I react to what I experience as another judging me for a mistake I’ve made or something they believe I shouldn’t have done, is coming directly from me recognizing something in their words/tonality that triggers an automated response that I created as a child towards adults scolding me – and as such that my reaction has nothing to do with this current moment or relationship, but is a repeating of the past as I’ve made this my default response

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see and notice that another is judging me or is becoming angry with me – I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to make this my first point of correction, because I see that this is where I start the cycle, where I activate my automated responses from childhood, instead of realizing that the other person is facing something towards which reactions are triggered within them, and only by remaining stable can I assists and support them. I also commit myself to humble myself within and as not automatically reacting by being defensive but to actually be vulnerable in allowing myself to hear what they’re saying/showing me without taking their reaction personally.

I commit myself to stop existing in fear and paranoia of another becoming angry with me where I hold onto memories of them becoming angry in the past, where I then restrict and limit certain behaviors to not trigger anger in them.

I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to blame another for becoming angry with me, which is really me blaming them for how I take it personally and feel hurt and judged – which is a reaction that I’ve created and allowed within me that only I am responsible for creating.

I commit myself to stop perpetuating the cycling of past behavioral patterns that I developed as a child, because I now give myself the tools to learn how to communicate and interact effectively with another, where I can asses in self-honesty and in communication with another whether they are reacting and so are mirroring themselves in me and/or whether what they are saying is something that’s relevant for me to look at – not that these are mutually exclusive.

I commit myself to stop diminishing and inferiorizing myself if I see/experience that another is reacting to me, judging me or becoming angry with me and I commit myself to stop defining myself based on emotional experiences, whether my own or another’s

I commit myself to stop automatically responding through repeating the past by either doing the same as I did as a child or by doing what I saw adults do, and so instead whenever I see a point that requires alignment – investigate the most commonsensical and supportive ways to do that in such a way that my actions are best for all

I commit myself to change who I am as an adult in my relationship with children where I do not perpetuate the belief that children are inherently ‘bad’ or ‘evil’ or that they need to be treated with judgment and harshness to grow up effectively. I commit myself to be open and vulnerable and direct with children and to treat them as I want to be treated and I commit myself to meet any and every child in the moment and to assess the best way to direct the moment by taking responsibility for how I direct the moment as an adult, thereby not projecting my own personal issues onto the children OR triggering behaviors in them that aren’t best for all because I wasn’t stable or effectively aligned within myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Listen to Your Body, then Hear Who’s Speaking. DAY 344

February 26, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

body ownershipA friend said something recently that I found to be profound and that assisted me to open a point within myself. She said that abdicating responsibility for oneself is the same as not having the will to live, because real Living, becoming life, living, is only possible when one takes responsibility for oneself. Abdicating responsibility for oneself is thus abdicating oneself as life.

Throughout my life I wouldn’t say that I’ve been the best at taking care of myself. As a small child I suffered some physical ailments that caused my food intake to be very restricted and I developed a stark polarity where I saw all ‘unhealthy’ foods as being the equivalent of ‘freedom’, ‘independence’, ‘self-empowerment’ and ‘fun’ – simply because they were that which I couldn’t have. I don’t remember having a negative relationship to the things I could eat or drink. So it was more the comparison and polarization of the fact that there were things I couldn’t eat/drink that made me desire it.

So what I’ve come to realize is that as a child, I experienced my body being subject to the control and influence of adults and that I had no power over what to do with my own body. It was and quickly became a negative relationship to anything that had to do with the body.

A couple of examples:

When I was a child I suffered from a milk and food-coloring allergy. This meant that virtually all candy was off limits to me. I’ve gone through many a children’s birthday party staring at the other kids eating candy and ice cream and drinking soda, whereas I was restricted to eating raisins and drinking water.

I remember a particular incident when I was around 6 or 7 years old where I had a severe case of the flu and quite a high fever. I had created a conflicted relationship towards showering because it was again something I was being forced to do and so that day my mom forced me to shower, until she saw me shivering in the shower with pale blue lips and realized how sick I was. I tried telling her that I was sick, but she shrug it of because she thought I was faking it and so she quite brutally forced me to shower. Afterwards she apologized many times and was very ashamed. I remember how I felt so righteous and at the same time I felt so violated and betrayed by my mom.

In kindergarten the teachers several times decided that the children had to eat ‘odd foods’ to ‘expand’ our ‘culinary’ horizon. So several times they forced us to eat foods that most kids don’t like, which – also again because of the point of force – created such a huge drama that one time kids (including myself) were vomiting and refusing to eat.

So I developed a distinct polarized relationship between doing what is best for my body being associated with something adults would say to me and eating what’s not best for me as something I decided for myself:

“Vegetables are good for you, eat it.”

“Don’t eat too much candy, its not good for you.”

So if we look at the symbolic representation of what ‘food I am not supposed to eat’ represent to me, it is the words ‘freedom’, ‘independence,’ ‘self-empowerment’ and ‘fun’ and this attachment still exists to this day where it (obviously on my decree and permission, whether conscious or unconscious) tends to override common sense consideration of what is in fact best for me.

So there’s a desire towards an idea of ‘freedom’ and ‘independence’ caused by a perceived lack of ‘freedom’ and ‘independence’ – starting when I was a child, where I associated my food restrictions with being held back by adults, not realizing how my mother especially was doing the best she could to take care of me.

I can see that the way it is manifested now is more that I exist in a dichotomy between responsibility as a duty which is something very serious that I feel burdened by, that I feel immense guilt towards, where there are constantly things I ‘should’ be doing that I’m not doing – and then the indulgence and ‘cheating’ on the other side where I for example occasionally allow myself to eat foods I know aren’t best for me.

So my desire for freedom, independence and self-empowerment is actually a desire to be free from what I am already doing to myself in my own mind. So as much as I love doing things that I’m not supposed to do, because it makes me feel empowered and liberating, I am also equally addicted to being hard on myself, to come down on myself and to constantly think about all the things I should be doing and that I’m not doing.

So my question is this: how do I get from this point, to a point where choosing that which is best for me becomes a natural and obvious choice? What is it that I have to let go of to start living that which is best for me in fact?

This is now something I have been practicing, because what is obviously relevant here is the point of practically correct myself in my physical day-to-day living.

So for example recently I’ve been craving licorice for some reason. Normally I wouldn’t allow myself to indulge in something like licorice specifically because its on the idea of ‘don’t eat’ and ‘candy’ list which mean that I would either completely ignore it or I would binge eat and get a stomach ache. So I decided to honor my urge for licorice (which may by the way indicate a deficiency in the body) and then as I was eating these ‘hot’ licorice, I started noticing that I was getting a belly ache and that it was burning in my mouth. Now – this was a ‘make it or break it’ moment for me, because I knew in that moment that this was it, this is the exact moment that requires correction, where I’ve all my life listened to the mental (and sometimes psychosomatic or mentally induced on the body) urges while entirely ignoring any signals from my body that something isn’t good for me. I had the opportunity to now change what ‘voice’ I would listen to; the body’s or the mind’s.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed and to judge myself for never having considered or honored myself within and as my body and the needs and requirements that I have within/as my body to sustain myself to live

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react in shock and self-judgment within seeing and realizing that I’ve never honored myself within and as my body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a state of total separation from myself within/as my body where all I have ever honored was my mind

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life predominantly only listen to and honor the mind, while ignoring and compromising myself in/as my body.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience friction and conflict within myself when I’m presented with having to make the choice between what is best for me within my body and what I want/prefer in/through the mind, where I know that I am compromising myself by choosing that which I want in the mind over what I know is best for me, but do it anyway, partly out of habit, and partly because I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let the mind override and dictate the physical for so long

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a symbiotic relationship with the mind where I perceive the mind as giving me ‘maximum pleasure/experience’ and where I’ve defined ‘mind choices’ as choices of freedom and fun and excitement and choices of body as boring and forced upon me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I created this pattern as a child, where the needs of my body was the responsibility of adults and where I thus separated myself from the body into the mind, where I perceived/believed/accepted the mind as being ‘me/more me’ because no one would dictate or could control me within the mind, whereas my body was subject to outside influence

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an association between taking care of the body and the body’s needs and requirements with a loss of freedom, with restriction, with being forced by others and with something that is generally boring, tedious and dutiful

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and exist within and as a relationship of polarity and friction between the mind’s wants and ‘needs’ and the body’s needs where I’ve associated all preferences/wants that starts in the mind as being inherently positive, because they weren’t dictated to me by someone outside of me but were coming from my own inner secret ‘being’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see or understand that the wants/desires/choices that comes up within me through the mind aren’t actually free as they too are conditioned and subject to influence, both directly and indirectly, but where it is more subtle than the control that I experienced on my body as a child, because the influence on the mind is something that is not directly spoken of, but is being carried out for example through advertisements/television and through observing others and how they react/respond to things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I choose something from a mind starting-point, then this decision is automatically more free and therefore more exciting, more fun, more alive than when I choose from a body starting-point, because I have associated the mind with being me, with being secret inside of me and not subject to influence, whereas I’ve perceived/experienced my body as being under the control of others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disassociate from my body and thus from myself as the physical and within that even go to the point of alienate, judge and blame the body for its needs/requirements – because I as a child experienced my body being subject to control by adults and experienced that the subject of my body, what I do with it and what goes into it, is something that I have no control over, and therefore my body’s requirements does not belong to me and therefore I am separate from my body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility for giving and providing for myself as my body, what I need to sustain myself as a physical living organism because I’ve created a mental relationship of polarity and conflict towards fulfilling the body’s physical requirements within feeling forced and restricted by adults who told me what I could do and not do with my body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to as a child believe and accept that I cannot be trusted to provide for my body and within that accept that an adult must take responsibility for providing for my body, thereby separating myself completely from getting to know and understand my body and its requirements and as such abdicating responsibility for myself as the body

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a conflicted relationship to the point of caring for my body, specifically within and as experiencing myself as a child being unrightfully treated and violated when adults forced something upon me that I knew/could feel wasn’t best for me, but where I had accepted them as the authority over my body’s needs and myself as untrustworthy to take responsibility for my body – essentially causing me to turn against my body and blame it for my experience of being violated and betrayed by an authority that was supposed to know what’s best for me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am actually the only one who can ever know what’s best for my body as I am the one who is in/as the body with its specific and individual composition and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abdicate that responsibility for myself through accepting the adult/child power dynamic as valid and then blame the adult when they acted on that authority in ways that wasn’t best for me, instead of developing my ability to express what is best for me and stand by that, even in a situation where my physical needs are cared for by others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to turn against my body and to experience and perceive the body as a traitor, as a form of dead weight that I am dragging around and that is being a party-pooper by having these needs and requirements that means that I can’t just gorge or indulge or go full on out on candy or rides or other forms of stimuli that I’ve associated with ‘being free’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to later make that into a spiritual quest, where I literally thought and believed that to be free I had to get rid of the body and be ‘mind/spirit’ only – never realizing that what I was reacting to was not the real body in fact, but my conflicted and polarized perception of it in reaction to being controlled as a child

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to rebel against being controlled by another human being, by turning against my own body/myself to spite them and get free from them, not realizing that by doing so I was shooting myself in the foot and was not only compromising and abusing myself, but was in fact enslaving myself and making myself subject of control of a different master, namely the mind-consciousness system

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to carry this relationship between honoring my body’s needs and following my mind’s desires on into my adult life where no one was controlling me or what I do with my body where I’ve continuously kept ‘fighting the fight’ against ‘control’ through deliberately doing what my mind wanted and ignoring what my body needed and within that, subconsciously believing that I was ‘standing up for myself’ and ‘freeing’ myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pride myself off of ignoring the body’s needs and taking this self-abuse to the limit of placing myself in physically harmful, dangerous and abusive situations where I would even get/create a positive experience out of harming the body, essentially within seeing the body as an extension of the control I was subjected to as a child, because the control was primarily done onto my body/having to do with my body – and not in any way seeing/honoring the body as life/as me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have misdirected what I saw as a child as the unacceptable in adults controlling children’s bodies, where I tried freeing myself through turning on myself, not realizing it was myself I turned on because I was in such a state of separation from myself that I couldn’t see/realize/accept that the body is/was me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to ever only see/identify/experience ‘myself’ in/as the mind, where I saw and defined ‘me’ as my ‘personality’, my feelings, my thoughts, my fantasies, my imaginations, my preferences because these were ‘within’ me – whereas the body was ‘on the outside’ of me and was subject to control by others, not realizing that every single part of my mind is preprogrammed either genetically or epigenetically and is therefore not ‘me’ in the sense of any essence, as the mind is a system that simulates life/essence/being – and even the body is a programmed simulation, yet at the same time consists of life-substance which is the essence of what gives ‘life’ to the body and the mind all together

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ignore the needs of the body because I saw the body as an enemy, as a stranger, as an object, as a vessel, as an image, as something that I am forced to be with, but that is not who I am, because I have separated myself from the body as myself and have accepted myself as mind only – never realizing that I am both and that it is from within the body that life can be born from the physical, as the body is substance and life is substance, whereas the mind is a simulation of substance/the creation of substance

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I was born into this world, everything was in place and preprogrammed for me to abdicate responsibility for myself as the physical and only accept myself as the mind, and that for example the relationship between adults and children where adults have authority and power over the child’s body is part of that process of self-abdication and separation where I came to turn against the body through associating the body with enslavement and thus the mind with freedom – which was exactly the point of it all, so that I would be forever trapped in the ‘magic’ of the mind and would never ever turn to the body and realize the potential of the substance of life within/as me

I forgive myself that I, by abandoning myself as the body, by separating myself from the body, by abusing the body, by accepting the body as subject to someone else’s control, have abandoned myself as life and have locked myself into an existence of enslavement within an illusion of trying to get to substance, to freedom, to life – - – through the very abdication of life as who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure and scared of having to now embark on the journey of honoring myself as the body and honoring the requirements and needs of the body within 1) fearing that I don’t know how to honor the body and 2) that it will be boring and that life will be less colorful, less exciting and less fun because I still hold onto the belief that mind = fun and body = boring

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I never make the decision to discover myself as life, I will forever exist in a simulation of life, chasing an idea of life which is what is symbolically represented through my ideas/imaginations/experiences of ‘fun’, ‘freedom’ and ‘excitement’ – where I’ve preferred the simulation over the real thing, because I know the simulation and because I do not yet know the real thing

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself standing before a choice of choosing what is best for my body based on how I know my body to be due to experience and having observed/felt my body (thus NOT based on ideas/beliefs about what’s health since I understand that this too is preprogrammed and my individual body might require something totally different than what’s considered ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’ in the system) – and choosing something that I have an idea/feeling of preferring/wanting – I stop and I breathe.

I remind myself of why it is that I resist doing what is best for the body and I embrace the body as myself within deciding to do that which is best for me as a decision towards the process of creating myself as life, rather than choosing that which I know, which gives me a positive energetic experience JUST because its NOT the body that needs it, which I’ve associated with a negative experience

I realize that I can now let go of this polarity and I can now let go of choosing my mind over my body because I now understand how I’ve created this system/pattern

I realize that this resistance/polarity is likely to keep coming up within me, until I have fully changed/transcended the pattern in a physical practical process of self-change and I commit myself to not fear this or fear that I won’t be able to do it because its something I’ve never done before

The pattern stands so clear to me now that I can make this decision in awareness to decide to live by what is best for my body and thus myself and thus life as myself and I commit myself to let go of and stop fearing that choosing based on what is best for my body will be ‘boring/restrictive/enslaving’ because I now understand that this actually came from a reaction towards being controlled by adults, which was part of the preprogram to ensure that I never realize myself as life and that I’d reject life and embrace the mind’s simulation

I commit myself to support myself to walk this process of change of who I am in relation to my body and thus to myself and who and what I accept myself as

I realize that it is going to be a process to change this pattern and I commit myself to be patient and diligent with myself as I walk through it, to not give up but to stand determined to learn how to honor myself as the potential of life that I am.

Related blogs I’ve written on this and similar points:

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Letting Go of The Burdens of The Ghosts of The Past. DAY 343

February 23, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

Living in the pastThe past week my partner and I have been busy clearing out space on his mother’s farm, going through layers upon layers of furniture, bookkeeping papers, books, clothes and old love letters. There were things in that house going back 7 generations, all the way back to old farming equipment and maps of the land from past centuries.

As we went through it all we talked a lot about memories and the past and being nostalgic. It is fascinating how we as human beings tend to give value to things due to the memories we’ve attached to them, things that might not have any practical value, that are old and broken and that we keep and allow to take up space, just because of their connection to the past.

So during this process of clearing out space, I found a couple of interesting things:

First of all, in being around and looking at all these old things I found myself becoming overwhelmed. A part of the reason is that I many years ago decided for myself to ‘let go’ of anything having to do with the past. I thought that to free myself I had to get rid of all material possessions that I held an emotional attachment to and that this in turn would ‘free me up’ within my mental state of holding onto the past as well.

So I stopped seeing my family, I sold all my things or gave them away and I deliberately severed the attachment I had created to certain things. It was quite effective in that I no longer create emotional bonds with material items, however it was not effective in terms of freeing my mind – which is something I couldn’t understand until I found Desteni and realized that it was in fact my mind I had to clear and that the physical items (and even people) had merely been projections.

What I mean is that the attachment or bond was not ‘held’ or ‘contained’ WITHIN the person or thing that I was carrying a feeling or emotion towards. Therefore it didn’t help to simply remove that person or thing from my life, because the attachment still existed within me – as me, as my mind.

So when I was working on my partner’s family’s farm alongside his family hearing about their past and seeing them express feelings of nostalgia towards the things, I experienced a resistance because this was exactly what I had worked so hard to let go of many years ago and I was not interested in re-introducing the ‘burdens’ of ‘carrying the past’ into my life. I felt overwhelmed with the sheer abundance of things and the strong emotions that were coming up in my partner’s family members towards them.

Obviously I can’t force others to walk the same process that I’ve walked in relation to material things because to me it was something I did out of my own will and desire to free myself from the past, however what I can do is to decide what I will have in my home based on practicality and to not allow any emotional attachments to influence those decisions. I can share my starting-point with others and if they then decide to keep things because they have ‘affectional value’ to them it is their decision. The past doesn’t have to haunt us and we don’t have to feel like we owe something to the dead to honor their memory by keeping their stuff. Conversely I also don’t have to feel threatened by another’s emotional attachment to the past or fear like their past will weigh me down, because again, the past as memories is not actually etched into material things – it is something we project into them or not.

The thing itself is simply a thing. It is either practical to have or use or it is not. Creating emotional attachments to things on the other hand, is like living with ghosts where you allow the past to keep haunting you.

The other insight I had, had to do with thinking that I knew my own limits and then realizing that I was a lot stronger than I thought.

We were only three people working and we had a time limit of a few days, so we had to get as much done as possible within the time available. I am not particularly used to heavy lifting or many hours of physical labor so I quickly started feeling sore and aching. What had at first seemed like a fun project of going on a treasure hunt through centuries worth of old things suddenly became a burdensome and impossible task. At one point my body simply couldn’t handle anymore and I had to go and rest.

However I knew that I had no choice but to get back up again and start working, because otherwise I would leave the responsibility onto the other two people which would strain them even more and I simply couldn’t allow myself to do that.

So I kept working but I also noticed that I was becoming increasingly frustrated and was complaining quite a lot. No one really complained about me complaining, but in one moment as I was carrying some piece of furniture from one end of the farm to the other, I stopped.

I could see that my starting-point and attitude towards the work, really wasn’t helping the situation. I was allowing myself to become possessed by a negative experience and it was affecting my ability to work. I kept thinking about how I wished that we were done soon and how much more stuff was left and the more I thought about that, the more frustrated I became and the more my body ached with every lift.

So in that moment, I realized that I could change how I approach the situation and that I could simply move myself in the physical instead of focusing on being in my mind thinking about how much stuff was left and I how I wish we were done or that I could just go lay down. I had no choice because this was a responsibility I had given myself and there were literally no one else who could do it.

After that, something interesting happened. Before that moment I had struggled to carry the heavist things and we had left those for ’the men’ of the family to carry and throughout the entire process I was afraid of not being able to carry the heavist things. I was constantly struggling with immense pain in my lower back and my knees. But when I made that decision to change my starting-point, I suddenly discovered strength within me that I didn’t know was there.

This was also supported by the fact that my partner kept urging me to try and lift things rather than just accepting that I couldn’t. Before I changed my starting-point I simply refused and said that certain things were too heavy for me.

A significant moment was when we were to carry a heavy wooden sofa and I was darn sure that I wouldn’t be able to carry it. I even said to my partner ”Okay I can try but I won’t be able to lift it.” But then as I lifted it up I immediately let go of the thought and I simply did it – I simply did it. From that moment on, my partner and I would carry all the rest of the things together without asking for help unless it was strictly necessary and we kept going and going and going until we were done.

So from this entire experience I have learned that I am stronger than I thought I was.

I have learned that by changing my starting-point from being in thoughts and reactive experiences, I could change my entire experience of myself and so change an entire situation.

I have learned that I have created an idea about myself of being a ‘female’ as being weak and within that have justified not even testing my own strengths or limits to see if I could move beyond them. As such, I’ve accepted myself as limited and as less than what I am in fact capable of – and so I’ve realized that to discover one’s limits, one has to push through the limits one think one has. So I’m not saying that I don’t have limits, but that my limits are not what I thought they were, and if I hadn’t pushed myself beyond my limit I wouldn’t have discovered that I had this strength within me.

I have learned that when we define ourselves according to memories and even to people of the past, we are essentially living in the past, like living with ghosts that are haunting us, only the ghosts are existing within our own minds and through burdening ourselves in this way, we’re making it difficult for ourselves to create space for anything new to unfold.

Whenever we step into challenging or difficult situations, there is a gift for us, an insight, and a discovery about ourselves that would be missed if we didn’t push beyond our preconceived limits. We don’t have to live in the past. We don’t have to keep the ghosts of the past alive. We don’t have to accept the limits that bind us within thoughts and emotional experiences. And so as we bring these lessons back to the process we are walking in relation to stepping out of the mind, all of these lessons can be utilized to support ourselves as we walk our processes; to allow ourselves to clean our ‘head space’, the inner attic of generations worth of memories – which is something that is necessary to do, for us to make space for something new, to decide who we are and who we are going to be, and not allow ourselves to be defined by what was in the past.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Artwork by Andrew Gable.

 

Self-Empowerment Through Principled Living. DAY 342

February 7, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

Principle over preferenceIn the last two posts I’ve investigated two ‘extremes’, radical self-unschooling on one hand and the word ‘must’ on the other. Now – these two can represent polarized extremes where one is a total abnegation of rules and the other is an enforcement of rules, but they can also be redefined as commonsensical self-expressions lived based on the principled of what is best for all in self-honesty.

In this post I am investigating another dimension at first glance associated with ‘raising a child’ but that one can also mirror back to oneself and look at one’s own self-directed ‘coming of age’ process. What I mean is that, all of the considerations for how to best raise a child to be a responsible, self-directed and expressive human being can be brought back to self as well, exactly as we too as adults are coming from the extremes of polarization – and require redefining the way we direct ourselves in our world and reality.

An example from my own life is how I have had a tendency to either give in completely to any urge or preference I might have without any consideration for the consequences of my actions, such as eating a bag of candy and getting a stomach ache OR to be extremely hard and brutal on myself and constantly judge myself based on a moral belief that “I should do/be better”.

So it is interesting to see how, while it is important to explore and expand how we raise our children, it is even more important to start investigating how we are ‘raising/educating’ and standing as examples for ourselves, literally like there is a part of us that can function as our own parent – through which we assist and support ourselves to change destructive behavioral patterns and start living in a way that is the most supportive to us and those around us.

Unlike a child that comes into the world with a relatively clean slate and an open mind, we are however already filled with beliefs and judgments and fears and desires and polarizations. This is why I in the previous blog-post on radical self-unschooling mentioned how we have to ‘deschool’ ourselves BEFORE we can unschool ourselves. As an example of why this is necessary, we can look at behavioral patterns we have wanted to change, that we saw were destructive and that we failed at over and over again as we tried to implement a new behavior. Many times, it is because we haven’t actually investigated what old ‘program’ is interfering with the installment of a new program. As such the old patterns will continue to influence and direct us as long as we haven’t taken directive responsibility for them, which we can only do if we understand them and thereby know what to change and how to change it.

So a particular pattern that I have seen many parents act out with their children is the act of ‘letting it slide’, where one will rather comply than risk a conflict. Similarly it is something I have seen in myself – and you can say that ‘letting it slide’ in this context is the reverse of ‘standing up’. If we see ‘raising’ a child literally as assisting and supporting them to stand up – in a literal and figurative sense, letting them slide is the same as letting them fall. And so letting myself slide is the same as letting myself fall.

Some things in our lives require us as adults to stand up, to push through, to ‘rise above’ – exactly as in the process of raising a child. Often it will be when we are still governed by behavioral patterns of the past, where we are for example so engulfed in fear that we’d rather limit and diminish ourselves than dare to push through and expand ourselves. Or we have created certain comfort zones or preferences (again based on limitations) that we fear losing, where we then do what feels comfortable in spite of potential consequences and compromises in ourselves and our world. An example of this can be when we eat an entire bag of candy despite knowing from experience that we will most likely get a stomachache. The program of mental stimulation through an enforced sugar rush on the body overrides the common sense program of caring for the body.

When I ’let it slide’ I am thus in a belief that I am being ’good’ and ’nice’ to myself which is in itself a state of self-deception and denial, because otherwise it wouldn’t be necessary to ’let it slide’ – meaning: I know what I am doing yet I do it anyway. Otherwise there wouldn’t be an ‘it’ to let slide.

The ‘it’ in this context is doing what I know is best for me even though it might not be my preferred course of action. A prominent example from my life is eating things that I know aren’t good for my body. Throughout my life I’ve had sensitivities to certain foods that I like the taste of, but that my body clearly isn’t supported by. Sugar is one example, milk products is another. So if I for example eat a piece of cheese despite knowing from experience the cheese has on my body, it is because I am allowing a mental taste-preference program to override common sense. This is symptomatic for our entire society and the way we live on this planet where we are literally destroying our habitat to be able to consume more of it, faster and more efficient – it is instant gratification with long term consequences.

When I was a child and I thought about growing up and becoming an adult, all I could think about is how free I would be and how I could finally do what I wanted. Not once did I ever consider that I have a responsibility to myself, to do what is best for me – even though I knew this to be true in the back of my mind.

I also remember seeing adults who, looked the most happy when they were indulging in various forms of stimuli, whether it was red whine or food or entertainment. So from that perspective, this was my reference of what it means to be happy as an adult. All I knew was that I didn’t liked to be forced to eat my vegetables as a child, so hell if I were going to eat them as an adult. I didn’t consider that eating vegetables might be what was best for me or even question the belief that I didn’t like vegetables. To me vegetables equaled being forced to do something I didn’t want to do.

Being that I am no longer a child and no longer have parents or guardians showing me the ropes (whether the ones I had were effective at that or not), it means that I have to stand in the position of being a parent to myself, to be my own guardian and example. This also means that I have a responsibility to myself, to directively use the part of me that sees common sense and that is self-honest to assist and support myself to hack the parts of myself that are still running on old programming from the past that I realize is not best for me.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of ‘letting it slide’ where I allow myself to compromise doing that which is best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the belief within me that living based on preferences is the same as being free and I forgive myself that I, based on that have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of feeling free when I live according to my preferences, especially if these preferences are in opposition to something an authority has told me – without any consideration or regard for the potential consequences of my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my personal preferences over all other factors when it comes to making decisions, not realizing that my preferences are in most cases not based on a practical, physical assessment of what I enjoy combined with what is best for me – but on preconditions and indoctrination, which means that my preferences are not actually mine, because it is not decisions I have made in common sense self-honesty as to deciding and finding out what I enjoy and what is best for me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect and defend my preferences, specifically within having polarized my preferences in my mind as being inherently positive and ‘good’ because I have associated preferences with freedom from oppression, where as I a child made decisions that went against authorities commands and so felt and believed that I was empowering myself and freeing myself by insisting on living according to my preferences, not realizing how I was creating my preferences as a reaction to and rebellion towards being disempowered as a child

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to protect and defend my preferences because I have channeled myself into them, identified with them made them an extension of ’who I am’ – specifically as the self-empowerment of standing up against authority that I believed I was doing through being defiant and oppositional – not realizing how I was never in fact empowering myself, but was merely going into the opposite polarity, creating a new authority to have power over me, this time from within my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I through living based on preferences as ‘what I want’ have taken myself hostage and have made it impossible for me to even see, let alone make decisions based on what is in fact best for me – as I have equated ‘best for me’ with what I was being told by authorities as a child, that I then associated with being restricted and not allowed to express myself – thus creating a resistance towards doing what is best for me because I have created an automated reaction towards equating ‘what is best for me’ with ‘not what I want’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and attach a negative energetic association to the words ‘what is best for me’ because I associate these words with being restricted as a child, where authority figures either told me that I couldn’t do something or that I should do something because it was best for me but where I didn’t fully understand it from the perspective of it truly being BEST as I within the moment felt an URGE/DESIRE for something else and thereby in that moment considered that to be best, thus splitting and separating ‘best’ into two different ‘compartments’ in my mind: the ‘best’ according to my mind which is the freedom to do what I want and follow my urges and preferences and ‘best’ as the restriction of having to do something that’s boring and where I’d miss out on fun because someone else told me to

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from that which is best for me in a physical and practical sense, within and as perceiving that as belonging to someone else that makes decisions for me where I am disempowered and disenfranchised to make decisions for myself and as such that I have come to resent and resist doing what is best for me for this reason

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that that which I prefer and want to do is automatically what is best for me, simply because I prefer and want it and thereby believe that I’ve made a free and empowered decisions, not realizing how many if not most of my wants are based in fear, in desire, in ideas, in beliefs, as preconditioned and indoctrinated preferences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it virtually impossible for myself to decide to do what is best for myself in fact, because I have created an automatic association with that which is best for me as being negative and something I resist.

Self-Corrective Statements

For the first time in my life, I have started making decisions based on what is best for me in fact and not based on what I’d prefer/want. An example is that I no longer consume milk products although I enjoy the taste of milk in my coffee and cheese as well. I wrote a blog about that transition here if you are interested.

However I do also see that this association with ‘best’ as being split into a negative and positive polarity still exists within me and here also how I’ve separated myself from taking responsibility for doing what is best for me in fact.

I realize that what often happens with parents and children is that the parents tell children that they must do something or that it is best for them to do something, but without considering the child in it all. Maybe the parent is making decisions for the child based on their own beliefs about what is best or based on fear of failing as a parent – but the result is that sometimes we are told that things are best for us that we know are not. Sometimes it would be better to stay up than go to sleep, or it at least wouldn’t be consequential to do so. This is something the child might ‘intuitively’ be aware of in the moment, but might not have the vocabulary to express. When the adult then exerts power and authority over the child and says: “do it because I said so, I know what is best for you, I’m the adult.” It creates this split inside the child, where ‘best’ becomes associated with something negative and a polarity is formed where the child defines ‘best’ as positive equated with rebelling against the parent and thus standing up for itself. It doesn’t have to be this way, but it requires that parents become self-honest and humble with their children and dare to question and challenge their own fears and beliefs and make decisions based on what is best in the moment where also the child’s wishes are taken into consideration.

I realize that this process starts with myself from here as an adult. In my life, the damage is already done, because I grew up with adults who didn’t know what I am sharing here. As such, I have a responsibility to myself to change what is ‘best’ from a polarization of extremes as positive and negative associations – to decisions I make for myself that support me to grow and develop and expand and that doesn’t create adverse consequences for me, my body or others in my world.

I realize how I have to start over in terms of determining what is best for me. Because if I look for example at that which was defined by adults as best for me as a child, it wasn’t always commonsensical. An example is bedtimes where many times the adults just wants some private time in the evening and then they say to the child that it is best for them, but where it might not actually be. My mom was actually cool with this, because she was very straight with me that she needed some time to herself in the evening and so she made the rule that if I wanted to stay up late, I had to stay in my room. Because I didn’t want to miss out of the ‘adult fun’ that I thought was happening at night but was allowed to be awake, I didn’t create a polarized relationship to this point and eventually just went to bed by myself.

So I have to start over with figuring out what is best for me. Some things like food I might have to cross-reference by testing it and see how my body does. Other things will be commonsensical from the get-go and so more require me to let go of my polarized relationship to preferences, where I have believed that letting go of preferences is some form of ‘loss of freedom’ or ‘empowerment’.

I realize that doing what is best for me – through having investigated on a real and practical level what best actually means, is real empowerment and freedom. Getting to know and understand myself, my body, my mind and this world is the most empowering and freeing thing there is – because based on that I can make real directive decisions that aren’t based on indoctrination or preprogramming.

It also means that I have to identify and investigate where I still have beliefs about what is best, like ideas about certain foods I should/shouldn’t eat that I’ve actually never cross-referenced for myself before.

I realize that the joy/enjoyment that I create based on making principled decisions is substantial in nature as I through that create real tangible results in a long term scale where the expression of enjoyment might not always be immediate or intense, but will instead be a consistent expression of who I am because I know that I am living a life of self-integrity and self-love – rather than joy being an energetic state of intense and instant gratification that has potential long term consequences for me, my body and this world.

If we want to change this world – if we truly care about our planet and the life that is on it, this is something that we all have to do. Because at the moment, all of humanity is living what I have described here, a life of preference over principle, where live is used and consumed, but not nurtured in respect and consideration to grow and flourish.

When and as I stand before a decision, however big or small, and I see that I am starting to ‘let it slide’ in the context of using thoughts/backchat/experiences to manipulate myself into NOT doing what I know to be best, I stop and I breathe. I commit myself to in that moment push myself to do what is best and I remind myself that my preference is not based on a real assessment of enjoyment or a consideration for the potential consequences. I commit myself to stop letting points slide where I know I am doing what is not best for myself – because I know understand and realize how I have created this pattern.

I commit myself to stop and let go of the positive and negative associations I have created towards what is ‘best’ for me as two separate points. I realize that what is best is that which supports me to flourish and grow and live – and it is really as simple as that. I commit myself to embrace myself and to stand responsible for guiding and directing myself to live that which is best for me – and so best for all. I commit myself to let go of the belief that doing what I want/prefer is automatically also what is best for me. I commit myself to empower myself through getting to know myself and through understanding how my body and mind works and how this world work – so that I can make directive decisions in full awareness.

Freedom is not doing what you want when you want it. Freedom is knowing and understanding yourself and the world you live in to such an absolute extent that you can make the choices that are best for you and so best for all life as a whole to thrive, without any restrictions or limitations.

Blog-posts related to what I’ve walked here:

Self-Honesty as The Key to Freedom. DAY 298

Woman, Know Thyself. DAY 295

Creating a Life of My Own. DAY 338

If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332

Walking From Resistance To Self-Creation. DAY 324

Never Say Never to Change. DAY 318

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Redefining The Word: MUST. DAY 341

February 4, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

Being defiantSince writing the last post on radical self-unschooling I have been looking at the point of ‘having to’ do things and how I have reacted to that, something that I’ve also previously written about. My partner and I have discussed the words ‘must’ and ‘have to’ over the last few weeks, specifically in looking at how I have had a strong adverse reaction to the word ‘must’. To me, there has been something imprisoning about the word must where, if someone says to me that I ‘must’ do something or that I ‘have to do something’ I immediately have an experience of constriction within myself, as though the words themselves are strangling or binding me.

As we worked with redefining the word ‘must’ I realized that ‘must’ in a practical context means things that are necessary for us to do and if we don’t do them, consequences will most likely play out that we wouldn’t want to happen. You must drink water or you will die. You must look when you cross the street or you risk getting hit by a car. However to me, the word must was associated with being forced to do something, such as my mother telling me “You must go to sleep now”, as well as with expectations being placed on me where I would react in fear of not being able to accomplish that which was expected of me such as a teacher saying “You must perform well on this test.”

This has led to me creating an intense, physical reaction whenever I hear the word ‘must’ or the words ‘have to’. It is interesting because as my partner and I have discussed it and I have imitated him to show him how I react to the word, whenever I say the word must in a sentence it is with great emphasis and force, showing exactly how I hear the word through the filters of the mind that I’ve conditioned the word to. So if my partner for example says “you must/have to come get me” I’d hear it as: “You MUST!!! come get me” lol.

So the instant reaction that comes up within me when hearing the word must/have to is an experience of constriction, feeling forced and feeling pressured and fearful/panicking. This then subsequently triggers a reaction of anger and defiance within me, where, without even looking at whether or not the point expressed is valid or not, I immediately feel resistant towards it – simply because its something I ‘must/have to’ do.

Interestingly enough I don’t always have this reaction, so it depends on the context. If I were to for example say: “I must do the laundry today” or if my partner said: “You must pay that bill today” I wouldn’t necessarily react because I understand that these are simply things that are necessary to do because I wouldn’t want the consequences that followed if I didn’t.

Interestingly enough we can actually look at the reverse process here to also see how words have become obfuscated through the course of human history through investigating the etymology of the word ‘must’.

must (v.)

Old English moste, past tense of motan “have to, be able to,” from Proto-Germanic *mot- “ability, leisure (to do something)” (cognates: Old Saxon motan “to be obliged to, have to,” Old Frisian mota, Middle Low German moten, Dutch moeten, German müssen “to be obliged to,” Gothic gamotan “to have room to, to be able to”), perhaps from PIE root *med- “to measure, to take appropriate measures”

Going back to the root of the word ‘must’ it appears that it originally meant ‘to have room to/to be able to’ which is cool because this takes the point of pressure out of the word from the perspective of how we can only ever do as much as we’re capable of within a given context. Even more interesting, the word might stem from the PIE root ‘med’ which means ‘measure/take appropriate measures’ – which is exactly in alignment with the redefinition we’ve looked at here.

Playing with the sound of the word ‘must’ some even more interesting dimensions opens up:

Most

Mist

Miss

Ma-says

Mum-says

Master

Maestro

Mess

Muted-us

The two sounds that particularly stands out from playing with the word ’must’ is ’mom-says’ and ’muted-us’. Because as I was investigating why it is I’ve reacted so strongly to the word must, I remember how, as a child adults would tell me what to do and I remember feeling extremely violated, betrayed and powerless when they would use their ‘adult power’ over me in ways that were not reasonable.

So it could for example be my mother telling me to go to sleep specifically so that she could get time alone for herself, but where I wasn’t actually tired.

Due to the power relationship between adults and children, where I was physically smaller and had less vocabulary to express myself, I was left powerless, even if what I was asked/told to do was unreasonable.

I realize that the word ‘must’ has been corrupted within my vocabulary from the sense of being raised by adults who were unclear in their usage of the word. What that meant is that they would use the word ‘must’ to exert power over me as a child out of self-interest, where there was not an actual ‘must’ (in the sense of a common sense necessity) involved. Because of this the word became associated with unreasonable pressure, with feeling forced and enslaved – where the word itself became synonym with my powerlessness as a child. In turn I couldn’t wait to growing up and deciding over my own life, not realizing that I had already accepted and integrated the subjugating mechanisms into me – and that if I was not in the process of intervening and deschooling myself that I am – I would have done the exact same to my own children, and so the cycle would continue indefinitely.

So I see how this has sparked this defiant rebellion within me where I feel like I’m empowering myself if I stand up against anything that someone else tells me that I ‘must’ or ‘have to’ do – whether it is reasonable or not. So based on this, I’ve created a polarized relationship to the word ‘must’ – rather than it being a commonsensical assessment in taking appropriate measures towards a certain point/task.

Something that Bernard said in this context and that resonated with me was that: ” I commit myself to remove from my design anything related to what I have to do and to replace it with doing that which is what is best for all life within the understanding that to do what is best for all life is not a ‘have to do,’ it is common sense.”

So what I am working with here is taking the aspects of morality and force out the words ’have to’ and ’must’ along with my energetic reactions associated with it – so that ’have to’ and ’must’ can simply be practical words describing that a necessity to prevent unwanted consequences – which is common sense.

So in terms of redefining the words must/have to – it becomes about doing that which is best for self and so best for all in common sense within the given context.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Radical Self-Unschooling. DAY 340

January 29, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

Radical unschoolingThe past five days I have been home with the flu. During these days I have spent a lot of time researching and educating myself online. Something that I have particularly spent time investigating is the educational philosophy of radical unschooling. Radical unschooling is an educational but also political activist philosophy that supports the notion that we as human beings learns best when learning is self-initiated and when what we learn is something we are interested in learning. Radical unschoolers therefore see life in its entirety as the educational space in which a child learns and emphasizes an absolute trust in a child’s natural learning ability, that the child will learn what is required for it to learn in life, if only facilitated by caring and responsible adults.

Radical Unschooling is based on the principle that we learn much better – in fact that we can only learn – that which we understand the purpose with, that which we have made a decision to learn for ourselves. That is something I can adhere to, as I have learned so much more from doing my own research into things that interested me, than I have from years in school. This however poses the danger that the things we’re interested in, aren’t genuine interests but in fact preprogrammed into us via innumerable forms of brainwashing and propaganda.

A specific element of radical unschooling thus has to do with a detoxification period that parents as well as child who have been in the school system, have to go through called ‘deschooling’. One of the key aspects of deschooling is that especially the parents have to go through a process of deconstructing and letting go of preconditioned fears and beliefs programmed into them through their own school years. This could for example be the parent thinking that “a child needs boundaries and routines” or that “punishment teaches the child that there are consequences in life.” Another aspect of the deschooling process is a period of ‘binging’ on things and activities that previously would have been seen as ‘sinful’ such as gorging on candy, computer-games, movies or staying up very late. According to many unschoolers this is a natural part of the process that will slowly but surely even itself out, where the child and adult will become more inclined to making decisions that are best for them as they get in contact with their authentic selves beyond the limitations of rules and restrictions.

So as I continuing investigating unschooling I started thinking about that I could also unschool myself. What I realized is that we tend to do things and move ourselves to get things done during the day based on various experiences of fear, desire, moral obligation and expectations to ourselves. We move and motivate ourselves based on external influences, where most of the time we probably wouldn’t be able to explain the purpose with our actions and why we are doing the things we do – from a self-honest starting-point.

So then I started considering: what if I were to make a decision today to have absolute trust in my own decisions, where I no longer let myself be ruled by ideas, rules, restrictions, morality or fear? What if I trusted myself to do what is best for me in every moment – and so best for all? What this would mean is that I wouldn’t be restricted by for example a belief of having to sleep a certain amount of hours per night. I would be able to trust myself to sleep and wake up in accordance with my body’s needs and would thereby be able to sleep more or less without thinking that I either have slept too much or for example not enough.

Then I started considering that in order to live like this, in absolute trust that I will do what is best for me, and so best for all, there are some points that requires to be sorted out first:

At the moment, most of our definition of ‘what is best’ is based on preconditioned ideas and experiences, exactly as in the case of a child having to ‘deschool’ and literally ‘detox’ from the restrictive school system before it can effectively unschool itself in a supportive way. Meaning that, as long as certain actions are polarized, we will interact with them accordingly.

A good example here is playing computer games, which for many children has become a space of escaping from the tediousness of ordinary life. It has become something they do to rebel against their parents, where they can feel free and where they can empower themselves. But as long as playing computer games are done as a reaction to something else in one’s life, it will be a polarized action. It will be ‘best’ from the perspective of the mind’s need to escape – but it won’t necessarily be best in the context of the amount of hours one plays, because there won’t be a natural consideration that “I need to sleep now” because playing will be an act of defiance where the child will want to do it even more because its not allowed to.

So – as long as I cannot trust that my definition of what ‘best’ is, is in fact what IS best for me and so best for all, I cannot give myself the trust to exist without restrictions – which is a shame, because it means that I have to live as though there is a part of me that can’t be trusted, that I have to keep in control, so as to ensure that I don’t compromise myself.

Let me give another example: growing up I was not allowed to eat candy. This has created a polarization within me where I’ve developed a strong desire to eat candy, because I’ve associated eating candy with being free and doing what I want, thus in my child mind defining eating candy as what is ‘best’ for me, ‘best’ for me because I generate a positive mental experience when I eat candy. This then unfortunately overrules any bodily responses to the candy, where I’d for example get stomach aches, which would be a signal to me that eating candy is indeed not what is best for me in fact, because what is best would include a consideration for the totality of myself, including my body – but even my environment and the world as a whole, such as a consideration of how the candy is produced and what resources have gone into producing it.

Secondly, for me to live in absolute trust that I will do what is best for me, I also have to be absolutely self-honest with myself. Otherwise, this new ‘freedom’ can very easily turn into a total abdication of responsibility and it very easily opens up for backdoors to justify not taking responsibility for myself or my life.

Fortunately I know people who live like this, where the trust they have in themselves is so absolute that their lives are a lot freer. What this means is that they don’t have to restrict themselves, use punishments or discipline to motivate themselves, because they know in an absolute way that they will do what is best for themselves and so best for all. So I also know that existing in a state of polarity within oneself, between rebellion and punishment, between restrictions and indulgence is not what is best. The need to discipline and restrict oneself is only required as long as one doesn’t trust oneself and the only reason one wouldn’t be able to trust oneself is if one is not absolutely self-honest.

So I see that taking the leap into an unschooled life with regards to living unschooled for oneself comes with an agreement of taking absolute responsibility for oneself.

As I’ve been discussing all of this with my partner, I’ve realized that I have a conflicted relationship towards the words ‘must’ and ‘have to’ – especially in context to morality. Whenever I remove the moral expectation to do something I can do it with a lot more ease and a lot less resistance.

Interestingly enough, when investigating the word ‘must’ the following stands forth:

must (v.)

Old English moste, past tense of motan “have to, be able to,” from Proto-Germanic *mot- “ability, leisure (to do something)” (cognates: Old Saxon motan “to be obliged to, have to,” Old Frisian mota, Middle Low German moten, Dutch moeten, German müssen “to be obliged to,” Gothic gamotan “to have room to, to be able to”), perhaps from PIE root *med- “to measure, to take appropriate measures” (see medical (adj.)). Used as present tense from c.1300, from the custom of using past subjunctive as a moderate or polite form of the present.

medical (adj.)

1640s, from French médical, from Late Latin medicalis “of a physician,” from Latin medicus “physician, surgeon, medical man” (n.); “healing, madicinal” (adj.), from mederi “to heal, give medical attention to, cure,” originally “know the best course for,” from an early specialization of the PIE root *med- “to measure, limit, consider, advise, take appropriate measures” (cognates: Greek medomai “be mindful of,” medein “to rule;” Avestan vi-mad- “physician;” Latin meditari “think or reflect on, consider;” Irish miduir “judge;” Old English metan “to measure out”);

Looking at the word must in this context, it can be brought back to and purified from its totalitarian and authoritarian notions of control and redefined as the act of taking appropriate measures based on knowing/understanding the best course of action in any given circumstance. It is thus a decision to live principled, where the word ‘must’ refers to the commitment of acting according to that which one has seen is best for all.

As Bernard Poolman says in this blog-post: “I commit myself to remove from my design anything related to what I have to do and to replace it with doing that which is what is best for all life within the understanding that to do what is best for all life is not a ‘have to do,’ it is common sense.”

I have realized that if I am to create the life for myself that I see is possible through the potential that I see within myself, I cannot simply sit and wait for it to happen. The same goes for this process. I will not ‘magically’ wake up one day and be clear of all self-interest and backchat and suddenly live principled in a way that is best for all. No, I have to literally, physically and practically change myself in my practical living, not just thinking about it or seeing it and then being satisfied with that, but actually bring this realization into living application.

Therefore, before living in an unschooled way or even simultaneously with that, a process of deschooling is required. But to get trust, we have to give trust. As the educator famous for coining the term ‘unschooling’, John Holt says: “Trust Children. Nothing could be more simple, or more difficult. Difficult because to trust children we must first learn to trust ourselves, and most of us were taught as children that we could not be trusted.”

Every day I take it upon myself to learn something new, I am amazed and astonished at my own capacity to learn, my passion for learning. Every day I am also astonished to see how limited I have allowed myself to become and I realize how important it is to deschool myself – so that I can walk the process of unschooling myself in self-trust. To make the decision to trust myself means to make the decision to take absolute responsibility for myself. That is radical self-unschooling.

To be continued…

For more information on radical unschooling I recommend the following links:

http://www.outsideonline.com/outdoor-adventure/nature/Unschooling-The-Case-for-Setting-Your-Kids-Into-the-Wild.html

http://opensource.com/education/12/3/unschooling-open-source-way

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwIyy1Fi-4Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRk_sfkBCJ8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DoG6j8eTjyY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOGCg4sHTI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOGCg4sHTI

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Artwork by Louise Mcnaught ‘free your mind’

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