March 28, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life
Recently I’ve been having some very vivid dreams. The theme of the dreams is that I am in an argument/discussion with a male/males and I am becoming frustrated within experiencing that he/they is not listening to me.
In discussions I tend to become very tense, fearful and defensive as an automated reaction and response. I can see that I have been very clouded by judgment and blame towards the males I’ve had discussions with, perceiving it to be their fault specifically within seeing them as ‘brute’ and ‘authoritarian’.
There is something about a certain male voice tonality in a discussion that I react to and that immediately puts me on the fence within an experience of being overpowered and inferior.
I’ve previously looked at this point in relation to how, because I didn’t grow up with a male role-model (I was raised by a single mom) and most of the males in my life was quite introvert, I haven’t been exposed to the kind of masculinity (for lack of a better word) that certain males express for example in discussions.
Interestingly enough I do not at all have the same experience with females, which also makes sense since I’ve discussed with females my entire life and have listened to females discussing with each other, and being a female myself, it is something I can relate to.
So in looking at what I perceive to be different with females in discussions is that there’s always a willingness to listen, to reconsider, softness in a way – even if the discussion gets heated and the two parties disagrees. This is obviously not true in reality, as females can be equally hardheaded and can equally go into a sense of ego that drives them – however it is how I’ve differentiated in my mind.
With males in discussion, what I react to is an experience that they are standing so firm on their opinion no matter what and that there within that is an unwillingness to listen and consider other options.
I realize however that what I react to is a specific expression of certainty, assertiveness and steadfastness that I experience as so overwhelming like it literally comes at me or stands so firm that I don’t see a real discussion being possible in that moment. I also realize that this is all my own perception and that reality is not necessarily equal to what I perceive, because my reaction partly comes from an accumulation of memories of discussions with males and partly from the fact that I was a child wasn’t exposed to males expressing themselves like this and so it is not something that I’m used to.
I also realize that as I investigate this point, what is relevant to look at is not necessarily so much ‘the nature of males in discussions’ because it is within that focus that blame, separation and abdication of self-responsibility easily becomes a slobbery slope.
Interestingly enough, what I have been seeing lately is that there are two polarities to this particular ‘issue’ – where one is discussions with males where I take on an inferior position and the other being discussions with males where I take on a superior position.
So I will call these two co-residing characters “The bitch” and “The battered woman” and it is fascinating to see how both aspects exist within me and how they are the exact polar opposites of one another and obviously in this context, one cannot exist without the other. What I mean is that when I for example react in discussions with males by going into the ‘battered woman’ character, I am actually reacting to something that exists equally within me, the hardness, the not listening, the brute expression that I see in males – it exists within me too.
So as I grew up there were not a lot of male role models around which is partly to do with how I’ve created the ‘battered woman’ character, however in the same context, I DID grow up around a lot of ‘strong women’ and as oppose to males who I came to fear, I had a lot of respect and reverence towards them and so without necessarily being consciously aware of it, I integrated what I saw in them and emulated it within myself.
Obviously neither the ‘battered woman’ nor the ‘bitch’ characters are supportive when it comes to developing effective communication and relationships with other people as it becomes like putting on this dramatic play instead of having real, authentic and constructive discussions about things that matters. So I will here start to work with these characters and the way I live as and speak through them, so that I can let them go and establish supportive ways of communicating with males in particular.
Self-Forgiveness on the ‘battered woman’ character
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, experience and define myself by default as a ‘battered woman’ – as someone who is used to being abused, who is expecting abuse, who is accepting herself to be abused, who cowers in the face of abuse while secretively fumes with rage towards her abuser
I forgive myself, that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive, define and experience males as inherently abusive and to through that, always expect males to be abusive and thereby wait for and anticipate the abuse in their words
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret a male’s expression, way of speaking and the content of what they say as being abusive by default because I have little experience with male expression in communication and because I have accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously believe that all men are abusive and that all women are abused
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to adopt, subscribe to and believe in a historical dynamic between men and women, where women by default are the victims of male hierarchy and where males by default are aggressive, bullying, dominating and abusive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and to hold within and as myself a belief that men are at fault for having oppressed, abused and dominated women since the dawn of ages and that women are innocent, pure, compassionate beings who do not deserve the abused they have been exposed to – - and that women therefore have a ’carte blanche’ to be nasty and mean to men because it is apparently a part of the process of standing up to oppression – not realizing that abuse is never justified, and that holding onto a grudge is not going to help anyone – as well as realizing that men have equally been the victims of masculine hierarchy and that women too have a responsibility as well as being abusers themselves
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into a default state of feeling oppressed and abused when I speak to a male and he does not agree with me on a point where I see common sense clearly and where he stands his ground on his opinion or perspective through which I feel threatened and challenged to fight him verbally
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and use self-defense strategies when discussing with a male who does not agree with me, where I’ll either go into a panic because I don’t know how to continue the discussion within perceiving his words as ‘final’ due to my reaction to the steadfastness in his words, where I’ll simply immediately give up and later go into a secret blame towards him OR where I’ll start fighting him and challenging him OR using emotional manipulation to get him to feel bad about ‘abusing’ me so that I can get what I want – - instead of developing a clear, assertive expression within my communication where I can patiently share what I see and not go into panic if the other person doesn’t agree with me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously experience, perceive and define myself as a ‘battered woman’ and as a victim as a default by the fact that I was born as a female because of how I have picked up the ‘dynamic’ of inequality between men and woman, and even more so because I had no male role models as a child and because I was raised by women who were particularly critical towards males
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, within seeing and experiencing myself as a victim by default, as inferior by default, immediately give up when I am in a discussion with a male and I see that he does not agree with me – but where I at the same time see/feel/experience that it is not okay where I then blame my giving up on him, as though its something he’s doing TO me, forcing me to ‘bow down’ to him, when that is in fact not the case – - I am bowing down because I am existing in adherence to a mental belief-system in my mind where I believe that women are inferior and males are superior AND also within this believe that I have to then ‘fight my way up’ to reclaim a position of equality or superiority
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that any time a male does not agree with me, he is by default exercising dominance and abuse and thereby go into blame and resentment towards him for apparently being oppressive, when in fact it can simply be that he does not agree with me or see what I see
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated and desperate and go into a state of panic within myself when I am in a discussion with a male who does not agree with me, because I take that as a ‘cue’ that I now have to start fighting him, and within already having accepted him as dominant I ‘know’ that I’m going to lose the fight no matter what
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a resentment towards males for being dominating where I think and believe that they are at fault for having made me oppressed and scared of expressing myself where I see myself as a representative of the entire female population and them as representatives of the entire male population and think about all the ways that women have been abused and oppressed by males in the past and how made and furious that makes me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I as a woman have a right and an obligation to stand up to a man who I perceive to be dominating – not realizing how I am venturing into the opposite polarity of wanting to become the abuser, the aggressor, the dominator and the bitch in my communication with a man, to be on top instead of being bowed down – not realizing that neither position is supportive for either of us
When and as I am in a discussion with a male and he does not agree with me and I see that what I am saying is common sense (whether it is or not is another discussion) and I see that I’m starting to go into panic and that I’m reacting to what I perceive as him standing firm on his perspective, I stop and I breathe.
I realize that this is the trigger point for me activating the ‘battered woman’ character where I am now becoming possessed and going into an alternate dimension in my mind of going into the dynamics of ‘men are abusers and women are victims’ – that I then either give into and subjugate myself to or that I try to fight and ‘stand up against’.
I realize that it is not true or real that men are abusers and women are victims. I realize that we all exist here as equals, despite the fact that unequal ways of existing has come to shape our relationships and from seeing my own dominance and ‘bitchyness’ preside, it is clear as day that I could have just as well been (and have been too) the abuser in a situation AND I also realize that the dynamics of inequality that exist in this world are not the fault of any one particular group of people but in fact on an existential level, co-created and self-created and as such, I have to embrace that within myself and change that within myself before I focus on changing it in someone else – because if I react to it in someone else (whether its there or not) – its not about them, it was never about them, but about me and what I accept and allow within and as myself.
I commit myself to let go of the belief and acceptance that men are to blame and at fault for having dominated women for millennia and to within that see women as inherently righteous with a right to ‘fight back’ and virtually become abusers in our relationship with males.
I commit myself to do whatever it takes to take responsibility for myself in my interaction and discussions with males and to develop effective, clear and supportive ways to communicate and have discussions.
I commit myself to breathe and be patient as I take up the challenge of learning how to have discussions without going into reactions or taking things personally or activating any number of defense mechanisms within myself.
I commit myself to embrace males as an historical archetype and to forgive them as I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to abuse, oppress and dominate other beings as I realize that we are all equally in this mess together and at this point its not really about pointing fingers or finding bad guys – because we’re all the bad guys and what matters is to pave the way forward to create effective relationships with each other based on equality and mutual support.
Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course
To be continued as I explore more about male/female dynamics. Stay tuned.