October 15, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life
How is it possible that we can be in our minds and not be aware of it? How can we stand stable and grounded as the waves of the mind washes over us? What I have found for myself is that I thought/believed/was certain that I was looking at a point/myself/reality AS IT IS, only to realize that I was looking through a particular ‘filter’ through which I was ‘broadcasting’ the mind onto my reality.
So all the while I walked around in my daily life believing that I was seeing things AS IS and was trying to deal with them accordingly, I was actually busy projecting a construct of my mind onto reality, resulting me seeing reality obscured and then acting accordingly.
In the example I will walk through here, the filter I was viewing myself through was self-judgment. I was not aware that I was judging myself because self-judgment has become such an ingrained part of how I see myself. I thought I was seeing the reality of myself when in fact I was seeing the reality of myself through self-judgment. So the point of reality is still here, but I was interpreting it through self-judgment instead of looking at what is really going on – and then look for a practical solution.
I was also viewing the world through a certain belief-system that I then combined with my self-judgment and compounded the ‘filter’ – I made the veil before my eyes ‘thicker’ and denser by believing that ‘this is who I am’ and ‘this is how it is’. I didn’t question it.
Instead I then tried fixing things from within and as this very construct of seeing myself through self-judgment and a particular belief-system, which obviously didn’t work and only served to make the actual issue even more consequential, because I wasn’t dealing with or in reality but only with a dimensions of my own mind.
My question to myself has thus been as follows: How is it that I can be in the mind and not be aware of it? Meaning where I fully believe that what I’m seeing through/as the mind is real? Besides the obvious point of how we grow up to become so immersed within the mind that we’re virtually existing as the mind only without much awareness, what I see is relevant to consider here is how – once we walk process and become aware of the mind and start stepping out of it, we’re creating or reassigning ‘space’ within ourselves that is not dictated by the mind and where we eventually become able to see things as they are, and not as we’ve made them out to be.
However – this is not something that ‘happens’ automatically. We have to in fact be on our toes and consistently and diligently push ourselves to be Here, being ready to face (and embrace) whatever comes up within us with awareness. The mind has become our default ‘state of being’, so therefore we require a steady and ongoing application of stepping out of the mind, which we do through our practical tools such as writing, self-forgiveness and breathing in awareness. That is what creates this ‘space’ within us that not only gives us ‘room’ to create new ways of living, but that also slows us down so that we can regroup/ground ourselves after each ‘dance’ with the mind, where we find our footing again and stand ready to receive whatever may come up. If we instead don’t do this ‘clearing’ of ourselves, we keep building on the (excuse my frankness) pile of shit that we’ve been building for ourselves consistent of memories, information, beliefs, experiences and all kinds of intricate constructs. It’s literally like standing on a wobbly, unstable pile of crap, which means that when the next ‘wave’ or ‘dance partner’ as a construct in the mind we face and have the opportunity to direct, we won’t stay standing and will instead fall flat on our faces, because we had no stable ground under our feet.
So this goes to show how important the practical tools of writing, self-forgiveness and breathing are, where it’s not only about clearing ourselves on a total and existential level, but also about making sure that the ground/path beneath us is clear in this moment, so that we can stand stable to receive the next moment and direct it effectively accordingly.
For me, what had happened was that I on one hand had seen my own future potential, both through the examples of others and also because of recent points of expansion that I’ve done and that has showed me how much more I am capable of and how much of the world I have yet to get to know – and then I had compared myself to that future potential, and of course found myself wanting in comparison AND on the other hand I had been slacking with my application due to tons of excuses, mostly related to time and other responsibilities. So I was basically setting myself up for disaster; with extremely high and unrealistic expectations and a reality that was far from what I wanted it to be. It could only fall. But then instead of looking commonsensically at the situation, I let self-judgment define the situation for me, which only made everything worse cause now I was trying to ‘fight’ my ‘bad side’ while ‘living up to’ my ‘good side’ resulting in both polarities becoming more and more extreme in my mind. And then, while you’re walking such a debacle in yourself over days or weeks, new points will open up that you in no way will be able to effectively direct because you’re now standing on that wobbly pile of crap I talked about before or that you’ve already fallen flat in it and first have to stand yourself up again before you can direct yourself effectively again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or admit to myself how important it is to daily ‘clear the ground beneath my feet’ so that I can stand stable and grounded to receive/embrace whatever may come up within me/in my world – to be able to direct it/myself in awareness, self-honesty and common sense
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to give myself the excuse and justification that “I’m relatively stable, my life is okay” to explain to myself (in/as the mind of course!) why it is okay that I am not on point with clearing myself on a daily (and even momentary) basis, when in fact I have now seen the consequences of doing this where my foundation/stability becomes ‘wobbly/unstable’ because I don’t direct myself to stand clear and so am much more likely to step/fall into the mind and time-loop
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize/admit to myself that when I am in a state of possession or when I enter into an alternate reality where I’m no longer grounded Here in reality, it is because I have not cleared myself and have instead slowly but surely reverted back into the ‘default state’ of the mind, where I don’t stand ready on my two feet to ‘receive/embrace’ whatever comes up within me, but where I’m instead easily ‘swept away’ because my foundation is already unstable
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of being consistent and diligent with clearing myself and creating a space for awareness within myself, because as long as the mind is still my ‘default state’ it means that I’ve not yet fully integrated and transitioned to a ‘default state’ of awareness
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to excuse and justify my participation in the mind where I think and believe that it is for example ‘just a thought’ or even ‘just a little thought/reaction’ but where I fail to realize that one step into the mind, however small or miniscule, IS one step into the mind and therefore one step away from awareness
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become swept away by the mind, because I was not Here to direct myself in awareness, because I hadn’t cleared myself but was already standing on ‘unstable’ ground
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow myself to see myself/a point/the world through a filter of the mind and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that this filter I am seeing through IS how it is, when it is in fact not
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be with and walk with myself consistently on a daily and moment-to-moment basis, where I check in with myself to see where I’m at and if any points requires to be adjusted/released/aligned so that I can stand clear and stable to face the next moment
When and as I see that there is a point within me/in my world that requires to be directed, because it is not aligned with what is best for all in/as common sense and self-honesty and I see that I am making excuses/justifications for not directing the point either immediately or as soon as possible, I stop. I take a breath and I make a commitment to myself to direct the point, either immediately if I am able to, which is preferable, either in writing, through breathing or speaking out loud OR I make a commitment with myself to do it when I am able to later in the day.
I realize that the consequences of me not directing a point immediately are so consequential that it is imperative for me to start applying this correction diligently for my own sake. I also realize that I’ve often thought that it would take effort to direct a point and therefore have left it be, when in fact I realize now how much more effort it takes to go through an entire time-loop and accumulation process ending up in a state of possession because I didn’t direct myself effectively.
I realize that directing myself immediately is often not something that requires a lot of time and even if it does require a lot of time because it’s an intricate or deep-seated point, it’s actually a gift I give to myself, now and in the future, because it will mean that I’ll create space within myself where I can create a new expression/application and so also be more equipped at facing points in the future.
I realize that as long as my ‘default state’ is still the mind, for example within constructs such as self-judgment and belief-systems, I have to be diligent with clearing myself and consistently and actively changing that which I accept as my default state to be me in awareness, common sense and self-honesty directing myself here from a starting-point of what is best for all
So I commit myself to push this point within my daily application, where I check in with myself, each morning, evening and during the day – and through breathing on a moment-by-moment basis and where I give myself the time to write, even if I only have 10-30 minutes, I realize that I can utilize those moments to write and clear myself – to give myself the gift of having a clear and grounded starting-point for facing the next moment.
I commit myself to push myself to apply self-forgiveness out loud and to utilize such moments as when I’m driving to check in with myself and clear myself if needed.
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