Have You Too Become Comfortably Numb? DAY 339

Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home? When I first

Creating a Life of My Own. DAY 338

Creating a Life of My Own. Have a look at that statement and see what comes up in you. Is it a life

The Constant Undercurrent of Fear towards Other People. DAY 337

How much are we really aware of the fears that come up within us on a daily basis, and how many of o

 

Have You Too Become Comfortably Numb? DAY 339

January 24, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

2014 10 24 selfloathing 1024x861 Have You Too Become Comfortably Numb? DAY 339Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me. Is there anyone at home?

When I first started working with this point I thought the word I was working with was apathy. But as I kept going deeper down the rabbit hole I realized that apathy is more like a state of wanting to do something/for things to change and then having given up on that – whereas the point I’ve been working with is in fact a form of total indifference, a sort of self-induced state of being comfortably numb, hence the title of this blog and the pleading line from the song by Pink Floyd that describes what I’ve felt towards others – while not realizing that the image I see in the mirror that is another, is myself.

So, I have noticed that I find people around me to be rather apathetic or: indifferent. This for example comes up when I share myself and what matters to me, where I see them respond with a sort of sedated look in their eyes, as though they’re not really hearing what I’m trying to say, and then out of politeness and common courtesy, they say: “well, that’s nice…”

So maybe they’re not indifferent? Maybe there’s something in the way I present myself that causes them to become indifferent? Or maybe I’m only seeing my own indifference reflected in their eyes?

Something that I do see is a stark difference between when I share myself in vulnerability where I am raw and dare to expose myself and then when I already anticipate resistance or conflict even before speaking and thereby try to be diplomatic with my words so as to trigger the least amount of resistance in another.

Recently for example, I went up to my colleague and I shared with him how I see him, because it was something I’d been wanting to do for a while, to share with him and recognize what I see in him that I find to be unique and powerful. It’s not something I would normally do and I was also a bit shy about it. Finally I decided to just do it and I shared myself completely openly. It was not necessarily particularly eloquent and I didn’t exactly say it in the way I had wanted to, but I said it and if I’ve understood my colleagues’ response correctly, he got the message – it went in. It didn’t just go in one ear and out the other as I normally experience happens when I share myself.

Now that I look at it, the question comes up of: well do I listen? Or do I also just take people’s words in through one ear and out through the other? And yes, I must admit I do. I see how I have made a habit out of having these ‘standardized’ and automatized conversations with people where we pretend to listen intently and give each other the responses we think we want, but where we aren’t actually at all even present in the conversation. We’re more focused on keeping up appearances, on not pissing anyone off or stepping on their toes, on keeping a good tone and a nice environment – and then we’re off to the next person or the next appointment, making sure that we get to talk to everyone and everyone gets to see us talking to everyone, and everyone is happy and no one is angry and “it’s all good.” – But is it really?

When is the last time you’ve had a deep, vulnerable and honest conversation with another person? Or even more importantly: with yourself?

Another thing to consider here, is that a lot of us have even mastered making such seemingly ‘deep’ conversations automated and standardized where we think that we’re sharing our innermost selves, but where we’re still just following a script of a particular simulation of a conversation that we then define ourselves and each other according to.

So I realize that people are indifferent towards me because I am indifferent towards them and because when I share myself I do so within the same surfaced polite conversation that could have just as well been about the weather, conversations without a purpose where the words spoken goes in through one ear and out through the other.

There is however also a different dimension to consider here which is as I mentioned before that I can’t definitively say that people ARE indifferent in their conversations with me. As such, it is pertinent to also bring this point of indifference back to myself in having a look at where in my life I am indifferent.

The way that I see indifference in this context it is actually a point of having muffled and silenced the authentic and honest parts of oneself where one is living in a sort of haze, only participating ‘on the surface’ – in a dimension of simulation where nothing is real but constructed social conformity based on multiple cultural and social rules of conduct. So we say: “How are you?” “I am fine thanks, how about you?” “I’m also fine.” “Nice weather today” “yes it is.”

So when I then come and share myself and share something that matters, when I try to get under this surface layer – I’ve done so using information, thinking and believing that what makes the difference is the words spoken and the way I structure my sentences, being very careful to not scare people away or entice a conflict with them or otherwise create an uncomfortable situation.

When I interact on the very same superficial surface layer, even though I think the information I share is deep, people are going to respond in the exact same way: “oh that sounds good. I hope it makes you happy.” “Yes it is really a shame with that racism in the world, but what can we do? We’re only human after all.” “Pass the coffee please.”

The same thing happened with one of my students where I saw an opportunity to open up a relevant existential point in a moment. But I went into knowledge and information about it, meaning I was coming from a starting-point of wanting to teach her a lesson and a desire to have this be one of those deep conversations. Because of that, she reacted by seeing me as yet another stupid adult who’s trying to tell her what life is and she sort of went “yeah yeah, what else is new?”

I realized that I couldn’t have deep existential and transformative conversations with others if I am not genuine and vulnerable in my expression. It’s not something that can be forced or faked. Either it is or it isn’t.

So what I have learned from this is that it is actually not so important for me to carefully structure and censor my words to avoid triggering reactions in another and thereby think that they’ll be more receptive to what I’m sharing. I’ve tried it and it doesn’t work. What does work is to be real and open and vulnerable and to share what matters to me, what is real.

To do that I have to take risks. There’s the risk that they’ll find it too personal, too intimate, that they’ll be scared. There’s a risk that they’ll react and go into opposition or that they’ll think I’m crazy. There’s a risk that I’ll push them away and the relationship won’t be able to stand.

Obviously there’s certain legitimacy in being diplomatic to not push people away. So I am certainly not advocating to just be totally raw and then people will just have to deal with it. Obviously one has to take them and where they are at into consideration. So what I’m talking about here is when there ARE moments where one can open up and share and take the conversation to a deeper level and where I’ve not done this because I was scared of pushing people away.

I’ve often talked to people about politics and about sustainable solutions and find them to have ‘wool over their eyes’ so to speak, in the sense that they’re not even able to get passionate or open up to alternative possibilities. I’ve had a hard time understanding why that is, but obviously we’re living in a world and a system where we are probed to be this way, so that all our focus and attention goes to things that makes absolutely no difference in the world; petty personal problems, entertainment, indulgence, money problems, fears towards the future, fear towards other people. We are so entrenched in the mud of our ‘daily rut’, we are so buried in the depths of the system, that coming up to the surface for air seems like an almost impossible feat, like we see the light somewhere way above us, but we’re too far away to even consider the possibility of pushing ourselves up and break the surface until our head is above water.

The question I need to be asking myself is: where do I do this? Because if I know how to prevent it in myself, if I know how to solve it in myself – I also have a clue as to how to assist others to do the same and by transcending my own apathy and indifference it will no longer be the only thing I see in another.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or admit to myself that the only reason why I react to the perceived indifference in others, is because of my own indifference that I’ve separated myself from, have suppressed and abdicated responsibility for as/within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into convincing myself that “I’m not indifferent” and that “I care” and so within pulling the wool of self-deception down on my own eyes, I’ve not seen my own indifference but have instead blamed others for being indifferent so that I could separated myself from them and thereby not have to face (or change) my own indifference

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that being indifferent is a point of ‘playing it safe’ where – if we don’t care about anything, then we won’t get hurt, we won’t expose our vulnerability and we don’t have to face and take responsibility for the totality of this world that we’ve created or ourselves as creators in it, because we convince ourselves that its has nothing to do with us

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use indifference as a deliberate self-suppression, denial and deception mechanism through which I can hide from myself and can hide what’s really going on in the world and in myself from myself – so as to abdicate responsibility for myself and for the world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be indifferent towards others where I don’t actually care about them or is interested in listening to what they have to say, but only stick to my own tiny little bubble of a ‘world’ with what matters to me and what I see is important and where I’m thus not open towards investigating new perspectives

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate and induce myself into a state of indifference as a ‘shield’ I use to keep ‘my world’ intact, where I don’t have to question it or confront it or challenge the way I see things or myself – and where I can remain ‘comfortably numb’ to not have to feel or face the reality of myself or this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve made my experience of being ‘comfortable’ in my life and in myself contingent upon being ‘numb’ towards facing/feeling/realizing the reality of myself/the world – as if I was not numb I would not be comfortable with who I am/with what the world is because I would see what I’ve accepted and allowed and I would feel the consequence of what I’ve accepted and allowed and would thus have to step out of my ‘comfort zone’ and step up to taking responsibility for myself and this world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to base my experience of stability on a clear demarcation and strict limitation of what ‘my world’ is and what matters to me, where I focus my attention of certain specific points and ignore everything else so that I can maintain an experience of being in control of my life, of being a good person, of being sane, of being going somewhere – so as to keep the truth and reality of myself away – and so when someone brings something up that in any way is ‘misaligned’ or crosses the boundaries of what I’ve decided to be my world I immediately engage in indifference and disinterest as a way to keep my world intact and without intrusion

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify my self-induced numbness through an experience of being comfortable – when/because I am numb and so believe that to be comfortable, I have to remain numb

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to anticipate/expect and fear that other people will go into resistance and conflict and arguments with me, that they will reject me, push me away and think that I’m insane if I were to share myself with them openly and in vulnerability

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become tense when I’m talking to/about to talk to people about the reality of our world and ourselves because I expect and anticipate that they will react and go into resistance and will either start arguing with me or will reject me and judge me – and so deliberately censor myself and my words and try to deliver what I want to share in a diplomatic way with the aim of making the information more palatable, only to create the consequence of people responding in indifference and apathy – because I am engaging in a system aligned to social rules of conduct through fear – instead of actually challenging such systems through allowing myself to be vulnerable and open in my interaction with others – so because I’m not being real, because I’m being filtered, so are they.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become indifferent when others speak and share themselves, because I am preoccupied in my mind focusing on ‘myself’, on presenting a ‘correct’ image of myself, on getting social credit, where listening to others becomes a point of pretense

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become indifferent when I fear that making a decision means sticking my neck out, where I have to a take a risk and face potential consequences of my decision – not realizing that being indifferent and not deciding, making others decide for me – is equally making a decision that has its own consequences – and as such, I can never escape or fully abdicate responsibility for myself, no matter how indifferent I become

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that indifference is a state of being comfortably numb, where I’ve deliberately placed myself into a state of not caring, of not feeling, of not seeing and so have defined/perceived that to be comfortability

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and perpetuate a state of indifference in myself as a ‘whatever’, ‘neither here not there’ through which I could make myself numb so I didn’t have to feel or face myself or the world

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately assume a position of indifference as a self-defense mechanism because I’ve feared what would happen if I were to ‘take a stance’ and so by being indifferent I’ve perceived myself as not risking to stick my neck out – thus indicating that indifference actually originates from a fear of standing up, a fear of standing out, a fear of taking a stance and risking social exclusion and persecution

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify my indifference based on memories of having stuck my neck out and gotten ‘punished’ for it, through which I’ve justified that its better to hide and to not care or to pretend not to care

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be indifferent to what’s going on around me and within me because I am ‘lost’ inside my mind, in fantasies and fears

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and perpetuate indifference as a state of deliberately not caring or ‘playing it cool’ – based on the fear and belief that if I do care, if I do open myself up in vulnerability I risk being hurt/ostracized

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be indifferent and to not care about life, about myself, about the suffering that exists in this world and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that indifference is a state of deliberate self-suppression of refusing to face that what is here is my creation, is myself, is my suffering, is my abuse onto life

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not admit to or realize the cruelty embedded within indifference, of deliberately making myself not care

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become indifferent so that I can do what I want without having to stand accountable for the consequences, not realizing that what ‘I want’ is a preprogrammed design that I have made no directive decision to embed within me and so following ‘what I want’ means being a slave to a preprogrammed design that I have no direction over

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be indifferent towards the state of the world because I feel overwhelmed by it and I feel that if I had to face it – I would have to face myself as who I really am and I fear that I would break into a thousand pieces or lose my mind or that my heart would break of sorrow – not realizing that I already know what I’m accepting and allowing, I’m simply existing in a state of denial about it and that the more I accept and allow myself to deny, the more I perpetuate the abuse and suffering – and that facing myself is inevitable and so I’m only postponing the inevitable while creating more consequences

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see myself becoming indifferent towards others where I ‘zone out’ of listening to them and caring about what they have to say – I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I’ve been indifferent towards others, because I’ve been so focused on keeping up my own appearances in an illusion of worth and value that was never real, but that was perpetuated by a system of indifference

I commit myself to learn how to really listen to others, to open myself up towards them, to be vulnerable and real instead of simulating and faking interest just to keep up appearances

I commit myself to dare to take a stance, to stand by and with the principle of what is best, the principle of birthing life from the physical through taking responsibility for and stopping the preprogrammed simulation

I commit myself to stop being indifferent and I commit myself to remind myself that indifference is an act of deliberate self-suppression from a starting-point of abdication of responsibility – and I do not accept or allow myself to live based on this premise as I will be living my life on a lie

I commit myself to stand by the principle of self-honesty and I commit myself to stop filtering myself in conversations with others out of fear of not being accepted – where if I do filter myself it is directive and deliberate based on seeing what is most supportive in the moment and not coming from a starting-point of submitting myself to fear

I commit myself to speak openly and in vulnerability with others and to listen to them openly and with vulnerability – without creating any expectations, fears, hopes or desires about how they will respond to me – so that I can focus on sharing myself unconditionally independently of how another responds, so that me sharing isn’t conditioned to having to have a certain positive response or fearing/avoiding a certain negative response, but that I share what is within me in self-honesty and so commit myself to support others to do the same through my example.

I realize that indifference is a ‘shield’ – its a deliberate mechanism and although it seems (and feels) impenetrable it is not. We ARE not indifferent, we pretend to be indifferent, we manipulate ourselves into a state of indifference so that we don’t have to take responsibility for ourselves or for the world we’ve created. As such, we need to reignite the indifferent – and to do that we have to start with ourselves, find out where we are indiffirent and what it is we’re trying to hide through our indifference. We have to dare to be open and vulnerable and self-honest and to through that, develop the care and compassion that this world so desperately needs on a real and substantial level.

More blog-posts on indifference:

2012 Desensitizing: A Culture of Indifference

Caving in to Perceived Indifference instead of Standing up: DAY 181

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Creating a Life of My Own. DAY 338

January 14, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

the second series of synthetic characters 27384 1024x640 Creating a Life of My Own. DAY 338Creating a Life of My Own.

Have a look at that statement and see what comes up in you. Is it a life independent of other people? A life where you don’t have to answer to anybody else? A successful career? Or do you imagine a beautiful house and lots of babies?

In this blog-post I explore for myself what it truly means to create a life of your own.

So lately I’ve been thinking a lot about our new house and the other day my partner and I started talking about what it is that comes up within engaging in these thoughts – specifically in the context of it being a desire, a desire that has a ‘dark side’ or a polar opposite as the idea of ‘lack’ and/or a fear of loss/not having, thus eliciting the desire ‘to have’.

When my partner and I discussed what this desire represents to me, meaning: what it is that I’m getting out of it – I discovered something that surprised me: That I like it because it gives me the feeling that I am creating my own life, that I have control over my own life. So then we started looking at where this experience of lack of being able to create my own life comes from.

It’s an interesting point in and of itself, this idea about ‘creating life/creating my own life’ because I see how I’ve made it an externalized point as how it’s understood in the system where ‘creating your own life’ has to do with very limited things like getting a house, having babies, building a career and so forth. But that then lead me to asking the question:

What does it really mean to create life? To create my ‘own’ life? To create myself as life?

What came up within me was a memory from when I was a child and I saw adults who were miserable and angry. They hated their lives and specifically the points of having to go to work every day doing a job that they’d just happen to have. Two particular people stood out, namely my mother and another woman who I experienced as being miserable and who had given up in even trying to make a life for themselves, like life was just this endless motion of days upon days that they had absolutely no say over.

Seeing these women and other adults in my life being so miserable and depleted of life instilled in me a tremendous fear of a meaningless and enslaved life.

I can also see how a specific factor in this was that I was about 6-7 years old and was full of creativity and joy and expression and when I approached them they would be sour and unapproachable and preferred curling up in front of the TV rather than playing with me. So I retreated to the basement where we had a big woodshop where I would build things and be creative with myself. It became my escape in a way – a place where I could create without restrictions.

So in returning to the experience of desire that has come up towards building our new house, I found that it has to do with that feeling of being able to create a life for myself, in creativity and without restrictions, something that I’m building and creating on my own.

As my partner pointed out, this means that I’ve separated myself from my own creativity/creative power because I’ve made it something external that I will either gain or be restricted from accessing through external forces – rather than being an infinite and absolute expression of myself.

This then brought up another interesting point, in relation to how I approach creative projects with the utmost specificity, discipline, dedication and stamina, because these are words that I’ve found myself lacking, when it comes to other obligations that I haven’t decided to take on by myself. As I looked around my life I could see how, every project that I’ve decided to take on for myself, I’ve been dedicated in walking – whereas those where I’ve perceived a pressure to perform according to a standard or that other people were having expectations towards me, I would feel hesitant, resistant and reluctant.

I see how I’ve associated this point of ‘working for others’ with a distinct negative experience based on how I saw the adults in my life as a child, where there was absolutely no creativity or enjoyment or self-creation; just work and enslavement and survival. But what I also realize now after the process I’ve been walking in relation to my current work is that, it doesn’t have to be this way. Just because we’re in a system of enslavement right now, a system that is definitely unacceptable and has to change – but that doesn’t have to define who we are within what we do. Just because we’re working a job to survive, doesn’t mean that we can’t live creativity, or creative power or passion. And I would even say that it is exactly that which is needed for us to change this system, that we open ourselves up to an dare to grasp – and create – opportunities for ourselves to change, expand and transform the current system, through ourselves as a living, breathing example of what is possible – even in a seemingly impossible situation.

So as we were looking more into these points, what also came up was an experience of standing accountable to others and risk disappointing them or failing or not living up to set expectations. I’ve for example previously in my life deliberately decided not to take a higher education because I experienced there being a pressure or expectation upon me from my family and those around me. Only when I no longer experienced that pressure, basically when I felt that I had gotten them off my back and no one were making any comments any longer, did I decided to go back to university and get a degree. And this time it was my decision and so a responsibility that I took upon myself. The same thing has happened in my relationship with my partner where he wanted me to expand in a certain point of skill-development. But the more he talked about it, the more I resisted doing it. Eventually I asked him to stop and let me do it on my own and low and behold – once he had stopped talking to me about it, once it was something I was doing unconditionally without feeling pressured to do it, I could do it.

So what this is showing is a point of limitation within me where I’ve defined standing accountable to others or perceiving myself as standing accountable to others as something inherently negative. Its just like when I was a child where the adults were working for ‘something/someone else’ to survive, while feeling that their life was not their own and that there weren’t anything they could do about it, but to wait it out – where I then retreated into my creative world where I did have creative power and there was no sad or angry faces.

So what I’ve come to realize is that the problem is not that I don’t have dedication or discipline or willpower or drive. The problem is that I’ve channeled that expression through the mind, through that which feels good, that which I can do myself as a creation process – instead of realizing that I have the opportunity to do that in every moment, in everything that I do. I also realized that I’ve channeled this part of myself into some pretty meaningless projects, like making handmade Christmas gifts for everyone – instead of actually using my dedication for something that can make a real difference in the world – in all of our lives. But as soon as there’s a risk and there are other people involved, I get scared and then go into the old manipulation pattern of feeling inferior, not good enough and then giving up.

So basically what all of this has showed me is how desires are connected to fears and with the fears to experiences of lack. As a child I saw people living something that they believed were a definitive reality and I came to accept it as such and developed such a tremendous fear towards it that I made it a commitment to never get caught in that kind of life myself. Now, being in the process of building my own house, it has then come to represent this point of ‘creating a life for myself’ – but interestingly enough, I’m not actually doing anything different than other people are doing, meaning: it is still within the exact same framework of the exact same system of enslavement. It is a delusion of freedom, a delusion of creation and creative power, a distraction from actually creating life for real.

Because if you have a look at it, imagining what kind of tiles I’m gonna get or where the fridge is going to be, all it does is it stimulates consumerism – but where I’m in this delusion of believing that I’m ‘creating life’ for real – because that’s the reference that I’ve created for myself, that ‘creating life’ means making one’s own decisions for one’s own life – but how can I really say that it is? That my decisions are my own? That I’m making free choices?

It is interesting also in this context that ‘creating a life of my own’ becomes about ‘nesting’ and ‘playing house’ as a distinct female fantasy, thus going to show how extensively the preprogramming and enslavement actually goes; that even when we think that we’re freeing ourselves from the shackles of the past – we’re in fact reinforcing them, often by trying to do the opposite than what we think is enslaving us, only to the effect that we remain enslaved. As females it is thus (for the most part) as far as our ‘ambition’ or ‘vision’ go; to the babies or the house or if we really stretch it: to a successful career. But what about exploring the potential of life that is within us? Life as it has never been expressed before? That which we know exists within us as a seed but that we’ve never dared to nourish because it might just grow up and flower so vibrantly that the whole world will take note of it. Unfortunately our notion creating a life for ourselves is mostly about getting something or getting somewhere or becoming something, like these constant upgrades that is supposed to make us more – while we just feel like less and less throughout our lives. We never considered that the key to fulfillment was within us all along, not in a ‘spiritual sense’ of just coming to tems with and accepting who are are – but also realizing that we have the power and so the responsibility to change ourselves, from what we are now – and to do that we have to face who we are now – so that we may grow and expand and become the potential of who we could be.

So what I’ve come to see is that creating life for real – is something that I can only do within and through myself as the platform or the ‘nothingness’ through which life can be created, through the plowed soil of my being that has been cleared from the weeds of the mind and that is ready to receive and nurture that which has the potential to become life.

This is a process of discovery and exploration that is first and foremost internal, because how can I know what life is when I have never lived it? So it’s not so much about ‘creating my own life’ in this world – because that is in itself a delusion, an alluring distraction, considering how our entire system is build upon a foundation of enslavement, preprogramming and fixed results. It is about creating myself as life, about creating life as myself, about bringing myself as life into what I do, and so create life with and as what I do with myself.

This means that there are no limitations, in the sense that whatever I participate within, I can decide who I am within it and so direct it accordingly. See for example, if I were to only perceive my current job as a means to get money and otherwise within that feel disenfranchised because I know that I’m essentially working for a system of enslavement and that there’s no way out of that, would I look for opportunities to grow or expand? Would I be open towards seeing possibilities of transforming my job or position or even partake in transforming the system? Would I even be awake and aware enough to recognize when such opportunities presented themselves? No. I wouldn’t even advance in my job or be ambitious within it or seek to perfect myself, because I would be doing it in total separation from myself where I would see my job and myself as two entirely separate points, as though who I am when I am at work is just a slave, an organic robot doing its mechanical thing to survive, because “hey, that’s how the world works man, get with the program”.

What I also find so fascinating, which I didn’t know at the time – when I created this massive fear of being enslaved to a meaningless life and a meaningless job – was that the two women in my example, both became completely different people once they retired.

Both these women, my mother and the other woman – actually became ‘alive’ when the retired from their jobs. My mom started painting again and now at 73 she has never been more active or joyful. The other woman moved out to the beach in a little house and later moved to the other side of the country. What this showed was that their experience of not having any control or say in their lives had much to do with the point of working and feeling trapped in that.

They didn’t realize that they could change how they saw, experienced and defined themselves within their jobs. They didn’t consider – or didn’t dare to open themselves up to new possibilities or opportunities within their positions. All they saw was a job they had just to make money and the enslavement that followed until they system would release them from their bondage and give them twenty odd years of doing what they wanted as a ‘reward’.

I realize that it doesn’t have to be this way. The potential of life is in every fiber of this existence, to take what we have already created, as this limited and enslaved existence – and to transform it into something that we can be really creative with, have fun with, be dedicated towards, respect, honor, regard, care for – as ourselves.

That is done, not through waiting around till ‘life’ comes and grants us our retirement plan and THEN we can live, or to sit and wait around for Jesus or some other etheric savior to come on a cloud and magically take all our burdens away. No – it is done through taking the responsibility of creating life, of becoming life upon ourselves. We can each have a look at those moments, those parts of our lives where we are truly joyful and creative and innovative, where no one has to tell us what to do, where we trust ourselves, where making mistakes is a part of the process, where we dare to experiment and think out of the box, where we naturally dedicate ourselves and perfect ourselves relentlessly until we’ve created something that we’re satisfied with, something which contains all our hard labor and consideration – something that is substantial and useful and beneficial, not just for us but for those around us. Maybe you have never experienced this – and that’s okay too, because that gives you all the more reason to start opening yourself up to discovering what that would be for you – and who you would be within such a process of creation. And maybe you have, and maybe like me you’ve channeled it into things that are absolutely meaningless and make no difference in the world what so ever. But what we can take from that is that the ability to create is within us. And therefore it is our response-ability. To see what is here in the world and respond appropriately, in taking the responsibility upon ourselves to create the life that we see is best, that is optimal for all involved.

The next step for me with all of this is to first of all stopping with channeling my creative power into things that are essentially meaningless and instead start applying it where it really matters. To do that I obviously have to let go of my limited idea that I can only express my creative power in projects that I have started myself, where there are no deadlines or restrictions or expectations from other people – because that’s obviously unrealistic. Then I would be doing pottery for the rest of my life lol. So it means to stop trying to get away from one cage by building another to confine myself in. This doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy the process of building a house for example – but there’s a stark difference between doing that and then doing it out of a belief that I can’t create life and that I essentially have to compensate by simulating what life maybe possibly could be.

Let’s face it: there is no such thing as ‘creating a life of my own’ in this world. Why? Because life is not our own. We are not even our own. Everything we currently exist as belongs to a system of enslavement, a system that is attempting to simulate Life, but that can never be life because it is essentially created through the abdication of life in the first place – and who did that? We did. Life is not supposed to be ‘my own’ either, because that would mean that it was separated from everything and everyone else and that I would create my life without consideration for existence as a whole, and that by its very definition is exactly what life is not. Every desire we have comes from the past, from memories and from images that we’ve seen. There’s nothing original about it. So while we may walk around thinking that we’re being super creative or that we’re really creating a life of our own, we’re actually just browsing through the same old preprogrammed information and picking the ones that gives us a sense of freedom. So what does it mean to create life? Well that’s what we are here to find out.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

 

The Constant Undercurrent of Fear towards Other People. DAY 337

January 10, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

img 1224 1024x809 The Constant Undercurrent of Fear towards Other People. DAY 337How much are we really aware of the fears that come up within us on a daily basis, and how many of our actions that are carried out in attempts to soothe those fears? Why is it that when we try to soothe fear by doing that which fear is telling us to do (like run or hide) – the fear only intensifies? Where does these fears come from and how can we assist and support ourselves to stop living in fear? That is what I explore from a personal example in this blog-post.

In this blog-post I am sharing a process of self-support that I have walked in relation to a pattern that has recently come to my attention within myself. It’s one of those mental and behavioral patterns that exists as a constant undercurrent within our daily lives, that has massive influence on how we experience and see ourselves – but that we aren’t consciously aware of because we’ve come to accept it so much as a part of who we are.

In this case, the pattern has to do with a fear of being ‘abused’ and ‘attacked’ by others and I explore what is actually within and behind this fear – to stand up from and within it and gift myself a deeper understanding of how I’ve come to create who I am today, so that I can make a directive decision as to who I am going to be from this moment, giving myself a clean slate through writing this pattern out and having a look at it for myself, to see what it actually is that happens when I go into this fear.

In relation to this, I recently listened to an audio recording that assisted me to further identify this pattern that’s been playing without within and through my relationship with my partner. The audio recording is about why our experiences in our relationships tend to be so much stronger than with other people and goes on to explain how our partners serve as a mirror for ourselves. The recording is titled Intensity – Relationship Success Support

The basic essence of this pattern is a fear of being abused and then a play-out of reactions towards the belief/perception of being abused.

Now, when I say being ‘abused’ in this context, it is based on the mind’s interpretation of abuse, which I will get back to, but it is basically the fear of being ridiculed, mocked, made fun of and judged – especially in a moment when sharing/expressing myself in vulnerability.

As I looked through my memories to see where this pattern started, two memories stood out:

The first memory is from when I was around 6 years old. I had brought my beloved teddy bear to school and the reason why my reaction was so strong to the particular unfolding of events was because I had projected an extensive amount of feelings and emotions into the teddy bear. (There’s actually several amazing audio recording from Eqafe about this point as well that explains why and how children do this:

Personality Projection – Life Review

Making Friends – Life Review

So I had brought my teddy bear to school and this older boy, I remember him as being almost an adult but logically when I look back at it now, he was probably not older than twelve (still double my age at the time) – he asked if he could see my teddy bear. I gave it to him and he then took my teddy bear and teased me that he was going to kill it.

In my little child mind that teddy bear was like my best friend. I wanted it to be alive. I obviously knew that he couldn’t kill it for real, but at the same time I reacted as though he was really trying to kill it. So he would run around with it mocking me and I remember that he eventually made a noose and hung my teddy bear from the ceiling.

Something I also remember is that this was a boy that I had respected and looked up to and I reacted very much to the fact that such an older boy would do something like that to me. I felt completely helpless and powerless and I was very angry and felt betrayed afterwards.

The other memory is from when I was around twelve and I had gotten my first boyfriend. One day he confided in me that he was actually adopted. I was shocked and wasn’t sure how to handle this secret and at the same time I found it very exciting. He had asked me not to tell anyone, but I told my best friend who was actually his childhood friend. He promptly came and broke up with me, telling me that he wasn’t really adopted and that it was a test he had given me to see if I was loyal. I always suspected that my friend had been in on it and that there was more to this story than either of them led on.

Here, the same thing happened as in the previous memory, where I felt betrayed and deceived by a male that I looked up to and respected.

So based on these memories and other memories of the same nature, I developed this pattern of expecting people (and males in particular) to abuse me if I were to open myself up to them and share myself with them. I have then carried this pattern through into my relationships where it will be triggered, for example if my partner laughs at something I’ve done. In that moment, the mind will associate the laughter with the laughter of the older boy from the first memory and will interpret the situation as though I am being mocked and deceived. I will then go into a defense mechanism and all the anger and powerlessness will resurface.

So my partner might be asking me an innocent question with absolutely no hidden agenda within it, but I will immediately jump to the conclusion that he’s being mean or spiteful or manipulative and that I should pull back and make myself hard inside and not allow myself to be vulnerable and open up. This then obviously has the consequence that I then don’t allow myself to be vulnerable with my partner, or with myself – and I’ve realized that I actually have a general underlying fear of something like this happening with anyone that I meet. So whenever I meet someone, I will calculate and asses where they’re at, whether they’re out to get me or not, whether I can potentially run into trouble – and will so accordingly adjust my expression and myself to avert any potential ‘attack’ from behind.

Because see, this is a significant part of the pattern where, in the past I was simply here expressing myself, like being with my teddy bear in school or rather innocently telling my friend that my boyfriend was adopted partly out of excitement and partly because I didn’t know what to do with the information – and both times I got blitzed. I then concluded (at least on a subconscious level) that it was because I was not on guard/paying attention. I thereby made the decision to be extra careful and aware of where other people are in relation to me, and whether there’s a possibility of me being attacked – because I never again wanted to experience being ‘caught off guard’ like that.

This is obviously no way to live, because it eventually evolved into a constant state of paranoia and fearful alertness and because I believed I had to remain in that state of mind, I also never fully allowed myself to be vulnerable with another person – let alone myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to accept it as normal and as a normal part of my daily state of being, to be paranoid, anxious and on guard towards other people, to such an extent that I am not even aware of how paranoid, anxious and on guard I am because it has become so much a part of me, that I don’t even pay attention to it anymore

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within a constant state of survival, where I’m constantly analyzing situations and other people to determine whether or not an ‘attack’ is under way, whether I need to protect or defend myself – to the point where this has become something I’ve identified positively with, as a self-protective mechanism that makes me feel more safe around other people, within believing that I can essentially control a situation and myself within it, so that I can circumvent any possible ‘attack’ – when actually this is based on a fear of being powerless, towards being ‘caught off guard’ where I CAN’T control the situation or myself within it, because the consequence has already played out and it is too late to do anything about it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define ‘controlling a situation’ from the starting-point of me taking actions to circumvent another being angry with me, judging me or feeling negatively towards me in any way, where the part about me controlling the situation is when I feel and am satisfied that I have averted potential emotional ‘danger’ – when the fact of the matter is that I can never control what goes on within another person or how they react to me, and as such I’ve been trying to control my own emotions through trying to control my external reality within and as believing that it is my external reality that is responsible for and the cause of my emotional experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify and defend my analytical strategies towards getting people on my good side, within and as consciously defending it as a good ability to have, that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with wanting to make people like me and that I should cater and bend to make others like me and that if they don’t – it is my fault and because there’s something wrong with me – instead of realizing that how others react to or see me and how I experience and define myself are two different things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to change my definition and experience of myself based on how I perceive others reacting to me, where I then, if they are angry with me or mocking me or judging me take that personally and define myself according to it and if they are adoring me and looking up to me or feeling compassionate towards me I define myself according to that – thus making others reactions towards me an existential matter that determines who I am here, when in fact, the only one that do that – is me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear being with or being near other people, in situations where any form of confrontation or attack could/might possibly happen, where I can possibly be caught off guard by not being attentive for even a second – not realizing that it is not actually the people that I fear, but in fact that which they represent to me in this context, which is the fear of being caught off guard and thus being powerless to others reacting negatively to me and me then taking that personally and defining myself according to it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and perpetuate a constant preconceived belief and expectation that others might possibly ‘attack’ me if I am not on guard and so closely monitor their words and body language to scan for any possible indications that an ‘attack’’ is coming so that I can be prepared and so that I can prevent such an ‘attack’ if possible

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and hold onto a preconceived assumption that others are out to get me, especially in situations where there is potential for me to open up and be vulnerable – thereby causing myself to shut down before I let it get that far, because I associate being vulnerable and open with not being on guard and not being attentive to possible ‘attacks’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to intently analyze and calibrate another’s words to determine and decide whether there is something that could lead to an ‘attack’/’abuse’ and then when I perceive that there is – I initiate a self-defense strategy of either ‘attacking’ them before they can attack me or by trying to get them on my good side by alleviating that which I see caused the potential future attack/abuse

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a perpetual conflicted/polarized experience/perception of myself where I, on one hand when I perceive that others are out to abuse/attack me verbally, believe that their anger/judgment/ridicule directed towards me is valid where I then try to get them on my good side in a state of inferiority within taking their words personally — AND/OR where I go into blame and resentment projected towards them within seeing/experiencing myself as an unjust victim of abuse through which I then justify a ‘counter-attack’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define my general relationship with others, and especially when it comes to the physical situation of people being nearby or coming by me or over to me – through an energetic experience of fear of being abused/attacked because I have associated such situations (which are so general that they happen every day and all the time) – with the memory of feeling/believing that I was being abused/attacked in a moment of ‘weakness’ where I let my guard down and allowed myself to open up and be vulnerable, especially through having held on to and defined myself according to the memory of my first boyfriend who I believed confided in me and who I then experienced turned against me based on what I perceived to be an innocent mistake on my part and the memory of the boy whom I looked up to and respected that took my teddy bear and threatened to kill it and by whom I felt mocked and powerless against because he was so much bigger/older than me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and hold onto an energetic attachment towards the memory of the older boy who took my teddy bear and threatened to kill it, where I still hold it against him and resent him for teasing a small child when he was much older, where I go into a state of separation in experiencing myself as an adult wanting to protect and defend myself as that small child that I see as weak and powerless

Based on this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and define myself as weak and powerless, especially when it comes to what I perceive as being mocked by males and as such that I have to empower and strengthen myself by defending and protecting myself, not realizing that I’ve separated myself into two polarized states existing simultaneously and that I only feel the need to be strong in that way, because I believe myself to be weak

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional attachment where I’ve separated a part of myself as self-care and self-love into my teddy bear, that I then feared losing when the boy threatened to kill it – when in fact I realize that I in that moment, did see the ridiculousness of the situation and how it was merely a simulation as my teddy bear was not a real ‘companion’ in the sense of the attributes I had projected onto it and as such this moment could actually have assisted me to see this, had I not opted to take it personal and channel my energy of ‘care’ and ‘love’ into the teddy bear, thus reacting with equal measure of fear and petrification towards it being ‘killed’ – even though I knew it wasn’t real

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto and define myself based on an experience of shock when my first boyfriend came and told me that he would no longer be with me, because I had been disloyal and that everything he had said to me had been a lie, as a test he was giving me to test my loyalty – where I felt completely caught off guard and unjustly treated, and betrayed by my friend and my boyfriend, because I suspected that there was more to the story than they lead on, such as him wanting an excuse to break up with me so that they could be together

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react within panic and petrification towards a situation of consequence playing out where it is too late to change, where I’ve already made a mistake that I can’t go back and change, such as telling my friend about my boyfriend being adopted – and so after this decide that I would never again be caught off guard like this and that I would be more attentive towards others so that I could prevent something like this from happening ever again

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to tell my friend about my boyfriend being adopted, because I didn’t know what to do with the information, in terms of how to talk to him about it or how to support him in it, which is why I went to her because she knew him better than me – but then also within and behind that telling this secret from a starting-point of gossiping as an energetic excitement towards something different happening, where I did betray his confidence and I did make a mistake

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take it personal and on the one hand judge and blame myself for what I’ve done and on the other, judge and blame my boyfriend for deliberately deceiving me and creating a trap for me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not ever forgive my boyfriend for deceiving me and not forgiving me when I made a mistake and instead since then hold onto blame towards him and towards myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react with shock towards realizing that I’ve been deceived, that I was caught off guard and that I didn’t see it coming – and based on this making the decision to instill a point of always being ‘on guard’ within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and go into an automated state of fear and anxiety, ranging on panic whenever I hear someone in the hallway or whenever I hear someone coming towards me but I can’t yet see the person/people but only hear them, where I immediately run and get out of their line of sight so that they don’t see me, just in case I don’t look good or there’s otherwise something wrong with me or they’ll think there’s something wrong with me – so that I don’t have to be confronted with potential ‘abuse’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define ‘abuse’ and ‘attack’ in this context as the experience I create and generate in myself when I feel caught off guard by another and trigger a negative experience of fear/shock/powerlessness within myself – where the other person might not have abused me in fact, but where because I feel abused, I then define them as having abused me, while all along – I was the one who created the experience within myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a positive energetic experience towards people that immediately confront me or scream at me or otherwise express their anger or negative emotions towards me directly and openly, because within such situations I feel much more at ease and in control of myself because there is no ‘blitz attack’ or no ‘attack from behind’ and so I can much better calibrate and analyze how to ameliorate the situation so as to bring the conflict back to harmony between myself and the other person

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify within myself attacking others either before or during what I perceive as them attacking me, where I actually do exactly that which I fear being done onto me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a negative energetic experience of total panic, desperation and powerlessness when I don’t know where others stand in relation to me, when they don’t share, when I think something’s wrong and they say everything is fine, when they’re standing and talking out of my reach – basically any situation that prevents me from what I experience as me taking control over the situation by analyzing it and devising a subsequent ‘battle plan’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create, hold onto and experience myself as a small child that is totally powerless towards the abuse/attack, and so believe I must protect myself through analyzing the situation and creating a plan of how to prevent/abate any potential attacks – when in fact I now have a vocabulary and I have tools to support myself with and so in such an event that someone was indeed verbally attacking me or mocking me or ridiculing me – I would be able to direct the situation, because I have a much greater understanding of myself and of the mind in general and so I also understand that when someone attacks or mocks others, it does in fact have nothing to do with the person they mock or verbally attack, as they are reacting because of something in them that they see projected onto the other. As such I have the tools to direct such a situation without taking it personally and there’s no need for me to hold onto this archaic self-protection system in and through which I’ve isolated and secluded myself inside myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear letting this self-defense system go, within and as fearing and believing that if I do i will be vulnerable and open to attacks, because I won’t be on guard anymore – when in fact, what I am letting go of is merely the fear of being abused. This doesn’t mean that I can’t still be aware and alert to what’s going on around me, maybe even more so now – but it won’t be from a starting-point of fear and paranoia and I won’t have to constantly analyze others/situations out of fear, but can allow myself to naturally and in self-trust and open curiosity explore and be open towards understanding what’s happening in another or in a particular situation because I no longer take it personally or define myself according to it

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself participate in thoughts of paranoia towards how others might see/react to me – I stop myself and I breathe.

I realize that it is going to take a process of diligence and commitment for me to stop this pattern as it has become automated and integrated, like an undercurrent – so I commit myself to apply myself within and as diligence and patience to stop this pattern of paranoia towards being abused/attacked by others.

When and as I see that I am analyzing another’s words and body language to asses whether an attack is coming, I stop myself and I breathe.

I realize that I’ve been analyzing people’s words and body language from a starting-point of fear and that I’ve generated and accumulated a lot of energy by doing this, through submitting myself to and trying to soothe my fear – not actually to direct any possible attack or abuse

As such, I commit myself to learn how to effectively direct and understand verbal abuse and attacks and I commit myself to not take it personally, when or as another is indeed verbally attacking me, within realizing that it has nothing to do with me

When and as I find myself caught off guard, within my actions have created consequences that cannot be ameliorated that I wasn’t prepared for, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that it is impossible for me to control all situations and all outcomes and to always have people like me and be favorable towards me.

I realize that it’s not ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ to make mistakes and that it simply means that there’s a point of me to correct within myself and align to what is best for all

So I commit myself to stop taking it personally when I’ve made a mistake that’s created consequences and to instead immediately look at how I can correct/amend the point so as to prevent it in the future

When and as I see that I’m reacting to what I perceive to be another’s reaction towards me, where I take it personal and define myself according to how they’re reacting, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I’m not actually defining myself according to another’s reaction, but according to my reaction to their reaction – and so it doesn’t have anything to do with them, because it was all created by me within my mind

I realize that whatever the case, I am always the one deciding who I am, no matter how others react – and so it is up to me to self-honestly see and take responsibility for who I am and whether or not a change is required

I commit myself to stop defining myself according to and change my experience of myself based on how I see that others see me.

Artwork by Andrew Gable.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

The Dark Side of being a Quick Learner: DAY 336

January 2, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

 The Dark Side of being a Quick Learner: DAY 336Throughout my life I have seen myself as a ‘quick learner’, as someone who easily picks up on new things and who quickly understands patterns and systems, whether I am programming a new phone or analyzing the plot of a movie. Throughout my life this has become a positive self-image of superiority where I’ve seen myself as particularly ‘gifted’ and have seen others as inferior to me, when they did not pick up things as easy or as quickly as I did. This point stands is direct contrast to and is the polarity of the opposite experience of seeing and experiencing myself as inferior whenever there is something that I do not get immediately or quickly – and where I’d then give up on myself, often without even trying – just to hold onto this positive image and idea of myself.

Related posts

Manifesting a Vision of Creation into Reality. DAY 320

Putting Others Down to Feel Better about Ourselves. DAY 322

I Am What I Feel I Am…or Am I? DAY 315

Never Say Never to Change. DAY 318

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a positive self-perception, belief and definition of myself as being a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe and define myself as a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see and define it as positive to be a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pick up the expression ‘quick learner’ from my environment where I’ve understood that it is something good to be and then accordingly have created a positive self-definition of myself as being a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to pride myself off of being a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself and pride myself off of being quick at seeing things and make connections

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as someone who thinks quickly and easily sees connections

I forgive myself that I, because of perceiving myself as someone who learns and gets things quickly to expect myself to get and understand everything quickly

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, because of defining myself as ‘quick’ and a ‘quick learner’ perceive and believe myself as easily getting and understanding things immediately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a superior self-perception and definition where I see myself as superior to and more than others because of how I get things quickly and easily

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, because of having created this positively energized perception/belief/definition of myself as being quick and within that have created expectations towards myself, experience reactions when I don’t get some thing immediately

I forgive myself that I, because I expect myself to get things immediately, give up when I don’t get things immediately because it doesn’t fit with the idea/belief I’ve created about myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to accept myself to give up on things when I don’t get them immediately, because it doesn’t fit to how I want to see myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to want to give up and to create a resistance towards doing things that I don’t get immediately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a belief and acceptance and definition of myself as someone that doesn’t like it when things take time

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a preference towards things I get immediately and resistance towards things that takes time to learn or to accomplish because of how I’ve defined myself as superior and positive in being quick

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that things shouldn’t take time to learn and within that have justified giving up on myself when I am faced with something that takes time to learn

I forgive myself that I, when I am faced with things that takes time or that takes me longer to learn, immediately give up on myself and created the justification and excuse that I then don’t feel like doing it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe, define and accepted myself as someone that does not like when things take effort

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards doing anything that requires patience, time and effort

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that things that takes effort and time aren’t worth doing and as such that I within this have justified giving up on and not doing things that takes effort

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to resist doing things that I don’t know how to do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards things that I don’t know how to do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into a justification of giving up on something because I don’t know how to do it by creating a resistance within me of not feeling like doing it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear things that I don’t know how to do because I’ve associated knowing things immediately with a positive experience of superiority and thereby have created a negative association with things I don’t immediately know how to do of inferiority thereby fearing inferiority

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself to not have to face myself within things that I don’t know how to do so that I don’t risk loosing my self-image of being quick and superior through which I derive a positive energetic experience

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no control when I don’t know how to do something

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify that because I don’t have control over things I don’t know how to do, I can opt out of doing them, it is okay to not do them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of resistance towards and not wanting to do things I don’t know how to do because I don’t have any control over them

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear things I don’t already know how to do or can easily learn because it means that I can’t control the outcome or my experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into justifying opting out and giving up on things when I don’t know how to do them because I have no control over what happens

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of feeling devalued when I am faced with something I don’t easy get or don’t know how to do, where it ‘threatens’ my perception, definition and belief of myself of being strong, superior and quick because I easily get things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my experience of being devalued by things I don’t know how to do, onto the very thing or project itself, when in fact this experience is one I’ve created in myself by polarizing not knowing/knowing how to do something respectively as negative/inferior and positive/superior

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into justifying giving up on things I don’t know how to do because I within facing them feel like my positive self-definition is threatened and devalued

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to prefer doing things I am immediately good at

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel confident, happy and strong when I do things I am immediately good at

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through defining myself according to my emotional experiences where, because it feels good when I do something I am immediately good at, I think and believe that it is a ‘sign’ that this is what I should be doing

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a comfort zone of only doing things I am immediately good at where I avoid anything that in any way challenges that and so can create a delusional bubble for myself to exist in, where I can retain the belief, perception and definition of myself as being a quick learner

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress my fear of facing myself within and as things I am not immediately good at by deliberately avoiding such things

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am particularly ‘gifted’, ranging on being a ‘genius’ and thereby that I am superior to others who do not get things as quickly or as easily as I do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and feel self-righteous within and as an experience of being more than and superior to others who do not get things as quickly or as easily as I do, where I’ve looked down upon them and have belittled them in my mind and out loud – not realizing how they might be quick and have an easy time understanding things that I struggle with – and as such, simply because I’m a quick learner in one area, it doesn’t make me a generally superior person – and it doesn’t justify me belittling or looking down on others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to split myself into two entirely separate parts within myself/my mind where it is like the superior part of me and the inferior part of me aren’t even existing in the same person, have no awareness of one another (as that would mean admitting that both are equally parts of me, thus nullifying both superiority and inferiority)

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to, judge and become irritated at people that I perceive to be ‘too slow’ and ‘not getting it’ in moments where I’m getting something quickly/immediately – instead of realizing that they might not have the same predisposition or the same experience context that I do

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own self-judgment and fear and suppression of the parts of me that is ‘slow’ and ‘not quickly getting it’ onto others, which I project onto them because I’ve separated myself from and have denied and refused to admit is a part of me, so that I could hold onto the delusional self-image of being superior within my mind

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself investigating something/learning something new where I see that I’m going into the character of being a ‘quick learner’ and therefore compromise the point of researching thoroughly and dedicating myself to learning what I’ve set forth to learn, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I’ve been sabotaging myself through a self-definition of superiority through which I’ve prevented myself from learning things in depth and detail in assuming that I would just naturally ‘get it’ without having to put much effort into it.

I realize that it is not better or worse to be slow or quick in getting or learning something and that it – more than anything, reflects the inequality that we’ve accepted in and as ourselves in this world, both when it comes to genetic predisposition, preprogramming and societal conditioning

I realize that my experience of ‘quickness’ as well as my ‘slowness’ are actually not parts of me that I can either take credit for or be ashamed of, as personally defining myself according to it, because it is merely predisposed inclinations towards certain skills or abilities that have been passed on to me from past generations as well as from societal conditioning, neither of which I have had any self-directive will in deciding or creating actively for myself in awareness. As such I realize that I can’t really say that it is ‘mine’ or that it is ‘me’ – when I don’t actually know all of me or how I’ve created myself. So how can I say that “this is who I am!” or “This is what I am good at” – when I have barely begun exploring the depths of my being?

When and as I see myself to react to others that I perceive to be ‘slow’ in feeling impatient and irritated, I stop and I breathe.

I realize that I was coming from a starting-point of ego as superiority and that I’ve used this pattern as a self-defense mechanism to avoid admitting that I don’t know something or that I don’t understand it, by only engaging superficially in it and then expecting myself to get it, or to at least be able to fake it in the eyes of others, to for example pass exams – while actually not really learning anything of value. I realize that I have a natural and/or preprogrammed predisposition to learn certain things quickly or easy and with others that it might take me longer to learn. I realize that neither of these makes me superior or inferior.

I commit myself to let go of the idea, belief and definition of myself as being a quick learner towards which I’ve attached a positive energetic attachment with the polarity of inferiority towards points that I don’t naturally or quickly get and that I’ve then avoided engaging in, limiting myself to only do the things that comes natural and easy to me to hold onto this positive self-image of superiority. I commit myself to let go of the negative polarity I’ve attacked to being ‘slow’ and to not quickly getting something. I commit myself to stand equal and one here with myself supporting myself, and so others as my equals to utilize and expand ourselves within that which we’re already strong and quick at, and to challenge ourselves within that which we’re not yet as strong within.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

Commitment to The Potential and Creation of Life: DAY 335

January 1, 2015 in Anna's Journey to Life

sprout Commitment to The Potential and Creation of Life: DAY 335A couple of weeks ago, our male cat Cheeky in a moment of excitement knocked over one of our plants. The same plant had the winter before almost died before we managed to save it through giving it increased care and attention. This time I gave the plant new soil and put it back in its place. The cat knocked it over once more. Again I had to change the soil but this time I moved the plant. I knew that the plant is sensitive to winter so I was concerned if it would manage to live through the trauma of being knocked over and having its roots mangled. Then it happened again. Since the last two times it had happened, it had lost leaves and was looking more and more like it wasn’t going to make it. I was very close to giving up on it and throwing it in the trash, thinking that “oh well, it’s just a generic house plant that I bought at the store.”. But then I saw the life within the plant, I saw that it was still alive and that the only reason to give up on it was because I was too lazy to replant it again and keep it away from the cat. I also judged myself for being responsible for its demise. In that moment I decided to not give up. I decided that I am going to give it my all to make sure that this plant survives. It has been through so much already and it has managed to make it against all odds. Last winter it almost died but the next spring it came back with more vigor than ever. So I am not giving up on it. I gave it new soil and a new pot and I placed it so high up that the cats can’t possibly get to it.

It is the same dedication and devotion that I am going to work with here in relation to myself, to stand with myself through the hard times, through the failures and the mistakes – and to see it through, to see myself through and to not give up on the potential of life within me.

In this blog post I am sharing a point of introspection regarding oversleeping and how we essentially squander developing our utmost potential through self-interest and through going into polarities within our minds. From the starting-point of looking at oversleeping I will investigate the weaknesses or points of self-interest that stand in our way of becoming out full potential, weaknesses as justifications to hold onto who we have been and not become that which we potentially can be – to start living instead of squandering the potential for greatness that is within us all. Many of us have issues with oversleeping and many may have found it difficult to change.

This is what I have realized in relation to oversleeping:

What I have previously found was the point of oversleeping was strongly connected to a point of suppression where there were parts and aspects of myself I feared facing. This is however not what I have experienced this time around. I suggest for each to investigate the point of oversleeping for themselves in self-honesty as your reasons for oversleeping might be different from mine. This does however not mean that we can’t be supported by each other’s self-support. The experience that I have had is that I am simply tired and I see that it has a distinct connection to a general sense of stress that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to go into over the last year. (I recommend watching this webinar from the Self & Living Store on stress for more support: Why Are You Stressed & How Can You Let it Go?)

I also see that there’s a point of spite in oversleeping because it’s something I want to do and as such waste time/lose time that could have been used on bringing something of value to the world, meaning that I’d prioritize doing what ‘feels good’ to me, rather than doing that which is best for all.

What I have found happens with oversleeping is that I start my day by setting a ‘bad example’ for myself – in starting my day in self-interest, self-sabotage, self-manipulation and denial and as such potentially corrupt and compromise my entire day, because that is who and what I accepted and allowed myself to be from the get go – if I don’t stop and change.

I also know that I have the potential to for example wake up every day at 6 in a consistent and supportive way because I’ve done it before. So I see how this point of accepting and allowing myself to oversleep is therefore a part of a pattern of slacking within and as self-interest of just wanting life to be easy, fun, entertaining and comfortable. This then stands in stark contrast and polarity to the experience of stress and being burdened by responsibilities.

A specific point of justification and self-deception in this is the experience that if I oversleep, it doesn’t have any significant consequences. It’s like that little voice that many people caught in addiction has, that say: “just a littttttle bit more….” Or: “I’ll stop tomorrow…”. Another justification I’ve seen in relation to this, is that I have become very effective in certain areas of my life, so effective that it has become natural to me and so I see how I’ve used this as an excuse and a justification, a literal point of denial where I’ve told myself that “it’s not that bad, because I’m doing okay.”

I know that I have the potential to do and be so much more. I know I can be a force to be reckoned with, from the perspective of bringing the essence of who I am as a being into the world and making an actual difference, not by being special or being more or better than anyone else, but simply through bringing the essence of who I am into the world and thus contributing to making real change happen, through the skills, expression and qualities that is within me.

To become that force to be reckoned with however, requires a stable, consistent, every day application of things that I might not enjoy doing, of simply doing things that does not give me any form of energetic satisfaction or recognition – where the value I am creating is manifested on a substantial and physical level as real change, a process that is created slowly but surely, similarly to laying bricks of a house. There’s no other way to go but to place them one by one.

As you’re building the house you have the blueprint and the final result planned out. But as you build the focus is on each brick and its placement on top of the previous. And for a moment you look up and you see how little you’ve done and how many bricks are still left and you wonder if you will ever be able to build a house, and it seems impossible, and you start to feel bored. So what is cool about this analogy is to see how creating something from nothing requires full focus and attention on each moment of creation – not on the final out comes.

The house will only start taking shape as you go laying each brick, slowly but surely, in a consistent flow. Eventually you’ll start seeing the outline; there will be more bricks placed in the structure than will be left on the ground and in the end you will have built a house. I have done this with other creation processes, processes where I’ve been absolutely determined and steadfast and insistent in getting it done – as well as in understanding what it takes to get it done, not even going to the point of thinking about it or how it makes me feel, because I am in a total and full commitment to what I am doing.

So what I’ve learned from all of this is that the desire for an easy-going lifestyle that doesn’t demand much of me, where what I do doesn’t have any consequences in the lives of others, is directly linked to the opposite polarity of existing in fear of not being good enough, of not doing enough, of trying to moralize myself into being better, of stressing over getting everything done.

I’ve been so fixated on how ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ it is that I oversleep for example or that I slack in certain areas of responsibilities, that I haven’t stopped to look at where that point of oversleeping and slacking actually comes from.

I hadn’t realized that the pattern of oversleeping was connected to stress and I hadn’t considered that precisely a year ago my blogs was focusing on an experience of stress connected to my job. What I am realizing now is that although I walked through dimensions of this stress, I allowed ‘bits and pieces’ of it to linger and eventually throughout the year I found myself in a perpetual state of constant stress. What actually happened was that because I had already walked through it in writing and in self-corrective application, I concluded that I was done and therefore I refused to acknowledge that I still existed in stress. The more I stressed, the less effective I became in balancing the various responsibilities in my life.

So this has been quite a journey, from writing about stress and being satisfied that I had walked through it, to keep on lingering in the stress subconsciously and trying to be more effective, causing me to be less effective and eventually resulting in oversleeping and slacking as an automated polar reaction. I then went into judging myself for oversleeping and moralized the point for myself, thus causing me to not look at what other causes could be involved with why I always felt so tired. I simply saw it and thus myself as ‘wrong’ and then concluded that I had to ‘get my shit together’ so to speak.

The fact of the matter is that with my job, it is still very new to me. Obviously after three years into it I know a lot more, but on a physical and practical level I am not yet up to a standard that I am 100 % satisfied with. I see how I have compared myself to others who either have a more suited background to do the job or who has a more natural inclination for making it work.

What is interesting about the point of getting good at my work is that it is not something I can rush or force to come through. It literally takes the time it takes to become effective at it and I only have so much time during a week or a day. This is something that I’ve been aware of but that I’ve also brushed off, in focusing more on projecting myself into where I wanted to be, rather than walking what is needed to be done here, step by step.

Within this, I’ve made work and also other responsibilities something that I dreaded because I judged myself as not being good enough and as having to be better, thereby polarizing it and creating an opposite polarity of ‘winding down’ to balance it out.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have polarized myself into two polarized experiences of stress and exhaustion on one hand and laziness and desire to escape on the other

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for oversleeping and slacking in certain responsibilities in moralizing myself as being ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ and thereby seeing the ‘correction’ equally as ‘getting my shit together’ and thereby preventing myself from looking deeper into what other causes could be involved in the pattern of oversleeping and slacking

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not specifically clarify, define and understand for myself what polarities are and how I participate in polarities where, once I’ve created one polarized experience, the opposite polar experience is bound to emerge due to the nature of how polarities function and operate

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not clearly or specifically see or understand the connection between my negative polarized relationship towards responsibilities and the positive experience of escaping from it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create the belief that I was done with working through stress and that I have therefore denied myself to look at other dimensions of stress that I hadn’t yet walked through

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist in a perpetual and subconscious state of stress towards my work and towards the fact that I am not yet as effective in my work as I would like to be as well as in regards to the balancing of responsibilities on a daily basis

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself through judging myself for not being effective, instead of supporting myself in gentleness, patience and self-support to look at creative and practical solutions for myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that I was stressed because I kept saying to myself that I had already walked through it and I was satisfied with my writings, not realizing that yes, I had walked through some dimensions of stress – but not all

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation towards myself that I am to be better at my job than I am, when in fact I don’t have the prerequisite skills or the knowledge yet to do it the way I would like to do and therefore my expectation is unrealistic and based on an ideal that I’ve compared myself to, whereby I’ve found myself lacking – instead of slowly but surely walking the process of perfecting myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an automated pattern of moralizing and judging myself whenever I am not living up to my own expectations and projected standards, where I take my own shortcomings personally and automatically believe that there’s something wrong with me, that I am evil – instead of looking at the points of correction practically and accordingly structure myself into practical change

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to harm and abuse my physical body through accepting and allowing myself to exist in a perpetual state of stress and a subsequent denial that I am stressed, causing my body to function on a less than optimal capacity, thus causing the experience of perpetual tiredness and the polarity of resistance towards working because I’ve associated working with not being good enough and with the moral judgments I’ve cast on myself because of it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to only stop up and ask myself what I’m doing once consequence is manifested on a physical level and/or is pointed out to me by others, thus implying that I am not here in awareness, self-support and self-honesty as a general and consistent self-directed application

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a polarized experience towards work and responsibilities where I see it as something I am forced to do, as something dreadful, as a chore and as something I’m doing for something/someone else, when in fact – being at work or taking care of responsibilities doesn’t change the fact that I am Here or how I am Here and as such I can decide who I am and how I am going to approach what I do. There is no set-in-stone rule that work or responsibilities MUST be dreadful or boring or stressful or full of moral judgments

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a positive polarity opposite when it comes to things that I’ve decided to do for myself, where I don’t experience any pressure or stress or moral judgments

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not look at creative ways I can change, correct and optimize myself in my work and in my responsibilities in the areas where I see that I am lacking/not yet where I want to be, and instead of it being a dreadful, inferorized point, can have fun with it and have fun with expanding and perfecting myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not approach the point of seeing parts of myself where I am not effective as opportunities to learn, grow and expand – and that I’ve instead seen them as these horrible ‘flaws’ that I must obliterate and get rid of and that I have therefore not stood by myself in self-support but have stood against myself in respectively deluding myself into a polarized self-image of either being ‘wrong’ or in complacently dulling myself into a belief that ‘it’s okay’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to oversleep within and as an experience of being tired, but without having questioned why I suddenly (within the last year) have started feeling much more tired than I have previously – and that I’ve instead merely focused on the point of oversleeping being ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ and that “I must correct it” – instead of looking systematically at what’s going on from a practical perspective

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify oversleeping by making the perpetual excuse that there isn’t going to be any immediate consequences if I oversleep and that it is therefore okay for me to oversleep this one time, when in fact there is never only ‘this one time’ and the consequences that manifest might be long-term and perpetual, but consequences none the less

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify slacking by soothing myself within the belief and justification that “I am generally effective, so it’s okay for me to slack a little bit here” – not realizing how I am within doing that manipulating and deceiving myself into compromising my self-integrity and so corrupting and sabotaging myself into the next moment of breath in standing as a ‘bad example’ for myself through what I will accept and allow and what not

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to focus so much on slacking and oversleeping being ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ that I haven’t asked myself unconditionally why it is I’m accepting and allowing myself to slack and oversleep

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stand by myself through all and everything that I face within myself and that I’ve instead polarized myself into the positions of either judging myself or deceiving myself into believing that I’m okay – when in fact I know that I’m not, I know when I’m doing something that isn’t best for all, but even within that I can be self-supportive, I can be self-honest, I can be gentle and patient with myself – and I can push and move myself to change

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to project my own moral judgment onto others in my world where I have judged and blamed them for judging me and I have felt sorry for myself and have justified making mistakes because of it – instead of realizing that no judgment can ever effect me but my own

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation towards myself that I am supposed to be perfect and an example for others and that if I am not, then all is lost and then there is something fundamentally wrong with me, instead of realizing that I am walking a process of change and that I am coming from an inherently corrupted and misguided starting-point, that I am slowly but surely changing, point by point – and that even my expectation of perfection towards myself is a part of this misalignment, a belief, an idea, a delusion and a self-limitation that I’ve imposed upon myself – instead of walking my process here in real time in walking with what emerges from within me unconditionally and allow it and myself to unfold, whether it is a natural expression or an abusive pattern – to stand by myself in unconditional and self-honest self-support

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself going into thoughts of stress about my work, where I compare myself to an ideal of how I believe I should be, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is impossible for me to live up to an ideal in my mind. I realize that the only way for me to perfect myself is through walking a practical, space-time, learning process that cannot be rushed or preempted but that is going to take time and a process. As such, I commit myself to be patient with myself as I walk through this learning process. I commit myself to look at practical ways I can learn, develop, grow and optimize myself in my work. I commit myself to systematically work on improving myself in my work. I commit myself to let go of the idea and belief that I am not good enough because I should be better/perfect. I realize that there is still a lot I have to learn and that it is not wrong or bad to make mistakes or to fail. I realize that every time I make a mistake or fail at something I had set out to do, is an opportunity for me to learn and grow and expand. I also commit myself to stop being complacent about my mistakes where I, instead of going into panic and self-judgment about them, go to the opposite polarity of minimizing them and ignoring them – instead of actually moving myself to a point of change and self-correction.

When and as I see myself reacting within an experience of feeling dread, of judging, of feeling bored, of feeling forced and pressured to perform a task or carry out a responsibility, I stop and I breathe. I realize that when I react within a negative experience towards something I condition myself to that polarized negative experience and so create a positive equivalent to balance it out, thus placing myself in a time-loop of circling back and forth between polarities, where the positive polarity seems like an escape from the negative, when in fact it is a direct consequential outflow of it; one cannot exist without the word. I realize that I don’t have to have any experiences, neither positive nor negative towards the things I do or the responsibilities I take on. I realize that I can be here and do what is needed to be done in every moment in equality with a focused aim of perfecting myself and expanding myself to live and become my utmost and full potential. I realize that this is what it means to truly be satisfied and content; to know that I have done everything in my power to optimize and perfect myself, that I have gotten to know something in such depth and detail that I know how to effectively direct it and myself and others in and as it. I realize that I don’t have to be perfect and that it is unrealistic and delusional to expect myself to be perfect. I realize that I am walking a process from imperfection to perfection and that as I do that, the best possible way I can do that effectively, is by walking with and by myself no matter what, no matter the mistakes I make, no matter how many times I fail, no matter what I discover about myself – and so trust myself to walk through it with diligence and integrity, in being self-honest and serious about changing and correcting myself. I commit myself to stop judging myself for making mistakes, I commit myself to stop casting moral judgments on myself when I see that I am not living as effectively as I am able to.

When and as I see that I am deviating from naturally being effective within my day-to-day living, I stop and I breathe. I allow myself to stop up and have a look at where I’m at, what points that can possibly be misaligned – instead of automatically going into moral judgment towards myself. I also realize that simply because what I am doing or who I am is not ‘wrong’ from an energetically polarized moral perspective, it doesn’t then mean that what I do is then automatically ‘okay’ or even acceptable. So I commit myself to continue to work with this point of being brutally self-honest while also being patient and gentle with myself, instead of being simultaneously overbearing and making excuses for myself.

I realize that I have the potential to be and become more than who and what I am now and that this does not mean that who I am now is ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ – but simply that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a limited and diminished capacity of self-corruption and I dare myself to take on the challenge of seeing who and what I can become through unconditionally and absolutely dedicating myself to this process of growth and expansion. I realize that growth and expansion is not something that is automatically delivered to me on a silver platter, but that it is in fact a physical process of moment-by-moment creating myself into something different than who and what I am today. And I realize that I will never be able to get there or see who or what I can become, by continuing to judge and deny what is here. Because it is through seeing and transforming who and what I am here that I can create myself anew.

I realize that I do see my own potential. I realize that I do have the tools, the support, the stability and the ability to walk this process. I realize that I’ve been holding myself in a suspension field between inferiority and superiority in my mind, instead of standing equal and one with all of myself here, through a practical process of changing and directing myself in every moment. I realize that it will be a process and that what matters is my consistency in application here, to focus on the practical and systematic solutions rather than becoming blinded by the problems.

I commit myself to accept the fact I exist primarily in and as a mind-consciousness-system, as a simulated virtual reality mechanism that I have integrated so extensively into my body and being that it has become a part of who I am. I realize that I have programmed the mind to have as its only objective to secure its survival and that I cannot blame or judge the mind for this, because after all, I’m the one who, in fear and desire, and in separation from myself, programmed the mind this way. As such I realize and I accept the responsibility of deprogramming myself, to take responsibility for my creation of myself as the mind, as the body, as my being that I have yet to know myself as fully – and I commit myself to stand with myself through this process, through the denial, through the deception, through the manipulation, through the self-interest, through the confusion, through the conflict, through the drama, through the self-judgment, through the apathy – and into the unknown as the potential of who and what I can become. I commit myself to take responsibility for the creation of myself – the creation of myself up until here and the creation of myself from here on out.

I commit myself to not make these words empty or lofty – but to focus on the processes of practical correction that I can make here in the physical on a basic and fundamental level, as stopping the polarity of stress and slacking – so that I can be here with what has to get done and simply do it and get it done, point by point, breath by breath. I know that this process is not done with these words. I know that these words will not magically propel myself into change. But I have gained a deeper understanding of the patterns that were at play before I started this writing, in fact a completely different understanding through which I allow myself to stand with and by myself in self-honesty, and see myself for who and what I am.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

 

Being My Mother, Being Me: DAY 334

December 24, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

shutterstock 99170681 e1387538040179 748x1024 Being My Mother, Being Me: DAY 334The past couple of days I’ve been spending time with my mother due to her visiting my partner’s family for Christmas. Last time she was here I had very strong reactions towards her, so I knew that this time I would have the opportunity to stop and correct these in real time. The reactions weren’t as intense as they were previously, specifically because I have made myself more aware of them and myself in/as them, however they were strong enough that I wasn’t immediately able to push through them. So I decided to first sit down and write myself out in relation to these reactions and then work with the point of stopping the reactions in the morning. What I found was the following:

When I was a child I experienced other people reacting strongly to my mother in a very negative way. They would talk about her behind her back and I would hear it and take it personally and developed an intense fear of people seeing me the same way they saw my mother. She didn’t seem to notice and I decided that I would never be like that, that I would become likable and that I would be attentive towards other people’s reactions towards me so that I would be able to intervene if I noticed them reacting to me and ensure that I made myself likable to them. This became a point of paranoia and an obsession within me, because it was based on this intense fear that came up when I heard how people talked about my mother and saw how she didn’t even realize it. What also happened was that I did a ‘If you can’t beat them, join them’ where I started judging my mother and saw their disdain and spite as valid, but because I also experienced myself as intrinsically connected to my mother, it became a point of inner conflict and turmoil within me. To a large degree, that’s what my reactions towards her now are about. What I’ve realized is that I feel like she’s a threat to the positive self-image I’ve created where I’ve been relatively good at getting people to like me and because she’s my mother I’ve felt that she represents me or is connected to me and therefore that whatever she does or says reflects directly back to me. I’ll here work with the reactions through self-forgiveness and will accordingly scrip self-corrective statements for myself that I will give myself as an anchor for grounding myself whenever I find myself reacting towards my mother.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed when my mother gets drunk and expresses what I perceive to be being out of control

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get angry with my mother for the way she acts because I feel and experience that she is connected to me and as such that she’s reflecting badly on me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the memory of my mother as a child and how other people expressed dislike towards her and how I within that felt scared that they’d see me the same way and because of that turned against her and started judging, disdaining and disliking her because of it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel sad for my mother and pity her because of how I’ve perceived that other people doesn’t like her and within that see her as weak and as someone who has to be protected

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that what my mother says or does is my responsibility because I see her as an extension of/a representative for myself and as such I have to make sure that she doesn’t say or do anything offensive or embarrassing because I believe/experience that this would reflect badly on me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to cast moral judgments on my mother for the way she speaks about people in public where I judge her as being inconsiderate and ignorant towards others hearing what she’s saying and being offended by it

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for expressing her backchat within and as a belief that it is a taboo to express one’s backchat and that backchat should only be kept inside one’s secret mind, thus implying that I fully accept the existence of backchat, when only when it is being kept secret – and so that my mother by speaking it out loud is exposing a side of myself that I’ve kept suppressed and secret and that I’ve judged myself for

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react to my mother making sounds when she’s eating and in general where I judge and perceive her as being overly expressive in such a way where I feel invaded by it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for what I perceive as her demanding constant attention and recognition and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in an experience of feeling pressured, forced and invaded when I am with her, because I feel/believe that I must give her the attention she demands for her not to guilt-trip me. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I accept and allow myself to react in an experience of guilt when another attempts to manipulate me, that this is my responsibility because I am the one accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and thus also accept the premise of the guilt as valid, that if I don’t give someone the attention or recognition that they seek, that I am then at fault

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the negative experience in relation to seeking attention is a family-pattern that has been passed on for generations in my family – and as such also that I only react to it because it exists equally within and as myself as a pattern that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to let direct me and control my experience of myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that others judge my mother and see her as annoying, rude, selfish and ignorant, and so take part in this judgment and see it as valid, and see it as valid to judge my mother and want to control her and contain her so that she doesn’t trigger these reactions in others that then reflect back on me because I am connected to her

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being a part of my mother and to define my mother as being a part of me and so see everything that my mother does and everything that she is as my responsibility because whatever she does will define me too – instead of realizing that we are two individual people and as far as that, what she does or says is first and foremost her responsibility and that it doesn’t define me or change me or influence who I am

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react so strongly to the way others have reacted to my mother throughout my life and so because of that have decided that I never want others to see me the way they see my mother and thereby have created a ‘law’ for myself to always be friendly and kind and tolerant – as the opposite of what I saw that she ways and to do whatever is in my power to make sure that people will like me and to be attentive towards their reactions towards me as the opposite of what I’ve seen her do, but where my actions and my personality is born out of a polarity and a fear where my actions are not genuine because there always is the undercurrent of fear towards how others see me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reactions that others had towards my mother were not valid, but were judgmental and spiteful and that they took her personally – and so by accepting their reactions as valid and by fearing them, I turned against my mother and so turned against myself in extension thereof and I created a perpetual fear of others speaking about me in this way and seeing me in this way

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I don’t have to fear others reactions towards me, because I now understand that when someone reacts, they are reacting to a mirror of themselves in another – and so that I can remain stable, that I can trust myself, that I can love myself and accept myself entirely independent of how others see, react or respond to me and that my self-acceptance have nothing to do with how others see me or do not see me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for not listening to others, for speaking out of context and not being considerate towards her environment, in being like an elephant in a porcelain shop – and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by this behavior, because this is exactly what I fear within myself, what I attempt to hold back, contain, control and suppress and so when my mother does something that I am afraid of doing or that I’ve suppressed within me, I feel threatened because I fear being exposed and that my entire positive and likable personality will crumble around me due to her connection to me

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge my mother for making sounds when she’s eating in seeing it as over-expressing, not realizing that she’s probably not aware of what she’s doing and that it’s not something she does deliberately

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become angry at my mother when I feel and experience that she is guilt-tripping me or saying something that implies that I’ve mistreated her when I know that I haven’t

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to guilt-trip others and to make snide remarks towards them as a manipulation tactic that I use to get what I want

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and disdain my mother for not being a stable human being and for using emotional manipulation and snide remarks to make others feel bad about how she thinks they treat them

I realize that I don’t have to react or feel bad when my mother manipulates me- I realize that I don’t have to accept and allow myself to feel guilty or to be manipulated

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat and judgment towards others and to feel righteous within myself in doing so where I see and experience myself as better than them

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see that I am reacting to my mother making sounds, I stop and I breathe. I breathe the energy through my body and out through my feet and I stabilize myself. I realize that I react to my mother making sounds due to memories of her from when I was a teenager where I despised everything she did and that I have developed the same exact sounds myself and so when she makes the sounds I am reminded of myself and of my disdain for her from the past. I commit myself to let go of and release my memories of my mother and I commit myself to let go of my energetic reactions towards my mother in being embarrassed by her

When and as I see that I react to the way my mother speaks with others, where I see that I’m taking it personally and am reacting in fear of being exposed through my connection with her, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I’ve developed a fear and paranoia towards how others see me and because that fear is connected to my mother it comes up specifically when my mother does something similar as she did when I was a child. I commit myself to let go of my judgment towards my mother and my fear of her doing something that makes me look bad. I commit myself to let go of fear of being judged by others.

I realize that I’ve held disdain, disgust and judgment towards myself because I’ve held disdain and disgust and judgment towards my mother. I commit myself to let go of my disdain, disgust and judgment towards my mother and so to myself. I commit myself to embrace my mother and embrace myself.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

Redefining The Word: FAILURE. DAY 333

December 13, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

dont fear failure 1024x640 Redefining The Word: FAILURE. DAY 333I am here working with the word ‘failure’ because I’ve realized that I’ve had very strong negative reactions to this word, to the point where I would literally avoid expanding myself into new unknown territories or areas of life because I was so afraid of failing. So I’d rather stay in my comfort zone where I knew I would not fail, and as a result – I failed myself in my decision to expand myself to the utmost of my potential.

Failure

Current allocation

I have seen failure as something very bad, as a taboo that I have to avoid at all costs. I see failure as shameful and embarrassing, as something that reflects poorly on one’s character. Interestingly enough, I have images of Japanese warriors committing suicide due to having failed coming up – and so also the point of disgrace and punishment. I also recall the saying that ’failure is not an option’ – but not from a motivational point of view, but from a fearful point of view.

Dictionary definition:

fail·ure (f l y r)

n.

1. The condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends: the failure of an experiment.

2. One that fails: a failure at one’s career.

3. The condition or fact of being insufficient or falling short: a crop failure.

4. A cessation of proper functioning or performance: a power failure.

5. Nonperformance of what is requested or expected; omission: failure to report a change of address.

6. The act or fact of failing to pass a course, test, or assignment.

7. A decline in strength or effectiveness.

8. The act or fact of becoming bankrupt or insolvent.

Etymology:

fail (v.)

c.1200, “be unsuccessful in accomplishing a purpose;” also “cease to exist or to function, come to an end;” early 13c. as “fail in expectation or performance,” from Old French falir “be lacking, miss, not succeed; run out, come to an end; err, make a mistake; be dying; let down, disappoint” (11c., Modern French faillir), from Vulgar Latin *fallire, from Latin fallere “to trip, cause to fall;” figuratively “to deceive, trick, dupe, cheat, elude; fail, be lacking or defective.” Related: Failed; failing.

Replaced Old English abreoðan. From c.1200 as “be unsuccessful in accomplishing a purpose;” also “cease to exist or to function, come to an end;” early 13c. as “fail in expectation or performance.” From mid-13c. of food, goods, etc., “to run short in supply, be used up;” from c.1300 of crops, seeds, land. From c.1300 of strength, spirits, courage, etc., “suffer loss of vigor; grow feeble;” from mid-14c. of persons. From late 14c. of material objects, “break down, go to pieces.”

Sounding:

Fail-You-Are

Farewell

Fae-Lie

Fate-Ill

Fall

Veil

Fatal

Polarity

The word fail/failure has a distinct negative association

254467 10150210330166275 5936230 n Redefining The Word: FAILURE. DAY 333

“A Successful Failure, is when Failure is taken Personally – and the Purpose of Failure is not Grasped. Because Failure, has been Changed into the Illusion of Energy and is Experienced as some form of ‘Feeling’ – Failure, when Grasped – is the Map and the Road to Self-Perfection.” – Bernard Poolman

Creative Writing

It is interesting to see how I experience the words entirely different if I say: ”it failed to function”, ”the experiment failed” or if I say: ”I failed to do it” – where the latter is where the negative association is the strongest. So I see that I’ve taken the word failure personal as something that reflects directly on who I am, hence the sounding of ’fail-you-are’. I also see how failure as a taboo, as something we fear, as something that’s embarrassing is something that’s been preprogrammed very specifically to limit us to not try new things and to motivate us through fear to succeed as the positive polarity aspect of failure. So it is interesting to consider that as negative as the word failure is defined, exactly as positive is the word success. The two words therefore go together in unison and cannot be separated from one another. It is interesting because when I look at failure from the perspective of an experiment failing, it’s not something bad. Within that, it’s merely a practical consideration of trying things out in order to get a specific result and when it doesn’t work out, one tries something else. But when it comes to the idea that “I am a failure” – it’s like it encompasses, imprisons and weighs down the totality of who I am, even if the point of failure specifically happened in only one aspect of my life. It’s interesting with the connection in the etymological origin of the word to ‘trip/cause to fall’ because I remember times in my life where I’ve fallen in public, like falling down the stairs at a train station once, and I would feel so embarrassed and like a total failure, like I was being exposed as not being in control of myself. So there is failure in the practical sense as something not working out the way it was intended and then there is failure in an almost ‘moral’ sense, where our weaknesses as human beings are exposed – which is something we’ve made into a taboo, because; within facing the weakness of others, we also face the weakness in ourselves. Based on my reflections on failure here, me being ‘a failure’ would then imply that the totality of my being was created with an intended purpose and me not meeting that purpose. Thereby I would have to know for what purpose I was created and so it would also be up to someone else (my creator) to determined whether I have failed or not, but even within that, by utilizing the example of the experiment – a failure is not a dead-end, it’s merely a fall in the process of learning how to stand/walk. So being a failure or failing in something is not the end-all-be-all of who I am. It’s merely a point of cross-reference for where I require more specification or change/amendments to be full functional and optimal.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to react in fear when I see/read/hear/speak the word failure/fail/failing within and as me where I literally cringe inside myself and want to hide from the word to not become it where I can barely stand looking at the word/being with it, because I see and experience it as superior tom e

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear the word failure/fail/failing because I have attached an experience of embarrassment, judgment and shame to the word where I’ve made it a taboo in my own mind, a word that is so powerful that it may not be seen or spoken or heard, because once it touches you, you are out, you are social outcast, you’re done

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that by ignoring the word failure and anything to do with the word failure, I can ignore failure itself – when in fact by doing so I was giving failure tremendous power over me and was in fact failing in many ways through trying to avoid failure, not realizing that failure simply means that something is not working out the way it was intended

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that failing is ’bad’, ’wrong’ and ’embarrassing’ and because of that have done anything I could to avoid failing, namely never moving out of my comfort zone of things I knew I was good at, into new unknown territories – thus limiting myself extensively and ironically failing myself within the purpose of expanding myself to my utmost potential

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself fear being judged as a failure by others and so separate myself from my own judgment of and fear of failing/being a failure by projecting this fear and judgment onto others

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept or allow myself to make mistakes and fail, but instead believe that I MUST be perfect, I MUST be successful and that ‘failure is not an option’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept the fact that failure is indeed an option when one is moving into new unknown territories and when one is experimenting to get to an intended result – and that this is not a ‘dead-end’ but in fact merely a step on the way, just like a child doesn’t give up learning how to walk when they fall the first 10, 50 or 100 times but keeps going until they can walk

Self-Corrective Statement

When and as I see that I am reacting to the word failure/failing/fail I stop and I breathe. I remind myself that the word failure simply means something that is not yet aligned to its full potential or capacity or intended result and as such that if I see that I have failed or that something I’m doing is failing, it is simply a practical point of cross-reference for me that what I was doing wasn’t working optimally and that I have to do something else, change what I do. I commit myself to let go of my reactions towards the word failure/failing/fail. I commit myself to embrace the potential of failing as a temporary point of realignment required.

Redefinition of the word failure:

Something not turning out the way it was intended in order to be fully functional/optimal and/or not meeting specified requirements/results

stop creating myself as failure KellyPosey Redefining The Word: FAILURE. DAY 333“Without Failure – Self-Perfection is Impossible.

Without Failure – Birthing Harmony on Earth is Impossible.

Without Failure – Perfecting Individualization is Impossible.

Without Failure – Enlightenment Perfection is Impossible.” – Bernard Poolman

More blog-posts about fear of failure:

http://misfitsoftheshockingtruth.blogspot.com/2013/05/378-redefining-me-what-is-perfection.html

http://marlenvargasdelrazo.wordpress.com/2012/12/18/247-blindly-following-our-progress/

https://aldinsjourneytolife.wordpress.com/tag/fear-of-failure/

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

favicon Redefining The Word: FAILURE. DAY 333 Redefining The Word: FAILURE. DAY 333favicon Redefining The Word: FAILURE. DAY 333 Redefining The Word: FAILURE. DAY 333

If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332

December 7, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

cathedral1920 gabriel ruhl 1024x576 If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332Why is it that, if we do not direct ourselves in awareness, we cannot actually say that we are alive?

I am here continuing from the previous blog where I opened up the point of not only being specific but also being assiduously specific, meaning where specificity is a consistent application that I apply in every moment with whatever task, project or point I am working with.

Read the previous parts here for context:

Assiduous is a new word to me, which is interesting, because it means that I have no preconceived ideas or attachments to this word. Instead I started with an application of specificity that I saw in another human being and I Googled various words until I came up with one that most accurately described the application that I’ve seen in this other person – and something that I haven’t yet developed in myself. Fascinatingly enough, investigating this word opens up many dimensions I hadn’t considered in relation to this point.

On vocabulary.com it for example says that:

“If you call someone assiduous, it’s a compliment. It means they’re careful, methodical and very persistent. Good detectives are classically assiduous types. Assiduous comes from two Latin words: assiduus, meaning “busy incessant, continual or constant,” and assidere, meaning “to sit down to” something. (Funnily enough, we also get the word sedentary, meaning someone who doesn’t move around much, a lazy couch potato, from this same last word.) Although we tend to think of sedentary types as being the very opposite of assiduous ones, many assiduous activities (like writing, thinking, or detective work) are best done sitting in a chair.“

I would like to also in this context bring in the word diligent as it is strongly related to the assiduous application that I’ve seen in the person I wrote about on day 329 and that I’ve not yet fully stood as or absolutely applied within/as myself.

This is how diligence is defined on vocabulary.com:

” Someone who is diligent works hard and carefully. If you want to write the epic history of your family, you’ll have to be very diligent in tracking down and interviewing all of your relatives. Diligent comes from the Latin diligere, which means “to value highly, take delight in,” but in English it has always meant careful and hard-working. If you’re a diligent worker, you don’t just bang away at your job; you earnestly try to do everything right. Although being lucky and talented doesn’t hurt, it’s the diligent person who eventually succeeds.”

To be directively specific in our processes and in our lives in general means to be both assiduous, as that hardworking, constant application and it also mean to be diligent as acting with care and consideration for the actions we take.

Interestingly enough, while I was writing this, an idiom also came to mind: ”taking it in stride” – which essentially means to power through problematic or unexpected situations.

All of this is what I’ve seen in the person I wrote about on day 329 and in their application of specificity. They are assiduous, diligent and they take things in stride. This is therefore the words and the expression that I will be working with here in terms of implementing them into myself, my own life and my daily application.

Interestingly enough the word assiduous has to do with being busy and constant and also the act of sitting down. The way I see it, in the context of specificity, the ‘sitting down’ aspect of the word does not so much has to do with actually sitting down, but more what ‘sitting down’ in this context represents, as a self-directed focusing where one ‘sits down’ specifically to work on a certain task, project or point, whether that is writing an email or folding a piece of clothing.

So what this made me look at is the question of who I am as I sit down in front of my computer on one hand, since that is also often where the ‘problems’ come in, in terms of not being consistent with the tasks I have to take responsibility for and then also the point of ‘being Here’ with what I do, no matter what it is.

If we look at the sounding of the word ‘assiduous’ it is interesting to note that it sounds like ass-sit-do-us and the connection I can bring in here is the directive decision to sit down and actually contribute my time, my skills, my support and myself to making a difference in this world which is essentially something that is an undercurrent for everything that I do. However – when I do not do this effectively, it is because I have counter-intuitive priorities as programs running within my mind that are based on self-interest, for example in the context of fear and resistance. If I then listen to that, I am more likely to be inconsistent and I am more likely to react to what is in front of me, therefore not directing it to the best of my abilities.

Earlier today I listened to an amazing audio recording (I don’t remember which one but was from Eqafe) with someone who suggested to have a look at why we are sometimes effective in our communication with others and why sometimes we are not. When I looked at what it is within me that is different when my communication with others is effective, expansive and supportive, I realized that it is because my mind is quiet, I am self-directive, I am stable, I am naturally here breathing, unconditionally participating and listening to the other person as well as sharing myself. If a reaction comes up, I don’t let it upset me or shake me. I simply take note of it, forgive it, investigate it and release it – so that I can ‘clear the path’ in terms of being able to communicating with someone without the mind interfering.

When my communication with another is on the other hand not effective, is precisely because I’ve accepted and allowed the mind to interfere and so direct me in the conversation, where all I am in that moment is reactions, is personalities, is memories, is programming – and so there is no self-directive awareness and instead I am fueled by self-interest.

I realize that it is no different with the application of sitting down and working on a point like writing an email. Either I am self-directed, specific, assiduous and diligent – OR I am in the mind, being directed by the mind, by the mind’s agenda, which is nothing more or less than self-preservation. There is no in between.

So this is something I hadn’t realized before; that diligence and assiduousness and so specificity is not something that just magically comes over me. I have to make a directive decision, even if that decision is a decision I have to continuously make in every moment of breath or with every key-stroke as I type – especially when/if I am still prone to allowing myself to be taken over by the mind and as act from/as the mind.

I realize that this is where the application of assiduousness and diligence starts; to direct myself in awareness in every moment. Obviously it’s something that requires practice, especially if/when we’re not used to making self-directive decisions in awareness based on principled living and so the diligence and assiduousness are supportive tools of self-direction to make sure that I consistently bring myself ‘back on track’ of self-direction and awareness.

If I then take a closer look at diligence in this context, what I see is that it is the dimension of this application that has to do with, not only being hardworking and consistent or persevering, but also to do so within a starting-point of care and consideration.

What that means is that, as I apply myself within directive awareness in every moment, I do so based on an understanding of my interconnectedness and so responsibility for all things, exactly as I described in the previous blog about the butterfly effect.

So when I for example sit down and write an email, it is not merely a point of being specific or being assiduous – but also of applying myself within care and consideration for that other person who will receive my email, for their mind, for their situation and for the larger context that we are both immersed in.

If I on the other hand write that email in a reaction, even a subtle reaction it is guaranteed to create ripple effects, ripple effects as consequences that I might not even be aware of because it happens silently within the other person – and so because I allowed myself to write in/through a reaction, I let the mind direct me instead of directing myself.

Like I said; there are only two options – either I am self-directive in awareness in/as a decision about who I am and who I am becoming (through for example taking responsibility for when I do react) OR I am being directed by the mind, which means that I essentially make myself blind and paralyzed. And instead of creating ripple effects that has the potential to contribute to a significant change in this world, I perpetuate the abuse, the diminishment of our beingness and the prevalence of the mind’s dominion over man.

Let me reiterate it again for myself and for you in case you also need to hear it one more time: There is no middle way, there is no grey areas or in betweens. Either we apply ourselves in specific, assiduous, diligent and directive awareness or we belong to the mind and so to the mind’s agenda – a mind that we have created, a mind that is not alive, a mind that only works through delusional simulations, a mind that has as its only goal to preserve itself even if it means killing all life in the process, a mind that only has as much power as we abdicate to it.

What that means is that there is no excuse for not directing myself in awareness in every moment, but this obviously doesn’t mean that simply because I see this, I am now magically going to go out and actually do this in every moment. No – in fact it means that I will push myself to transform every moment where I see and realize that I lost myself to the mind, that I abdicated myself to the mind – to moments of self-directive awareness; moment by moment, breath by breath.

In the end, there is no choice – because either I direct myself in awareness which means taking full responsibility for myself – and thereby also means knowing and understanding myself OR I don’t exist, because the mind exists for me – which is no existence at all.

That is what it means to ‘power through it’.

That is what it means to ‘take it in stride’.

That is what it means to learn to walk and so eventually to stand.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

favicon If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332 If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332favicon If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332 If I Do Not Direct Myself in Awareness, I Do Not Exist. DAY 332

Assiduous Specificity and The Butterfly Effect. DAY 331

December 1, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

The Butterfly Effect by cloakofshadow 1024x768 Assiduous Specificity and The Butterfly Effect. DAY 331I am continuing here with where I left off on day 329 in regards to looking up to someone and rather than inferiorizing oneself in comparison to them, utilizing them as a mirror for the potential that one has not yet developed within oneself.

I am here specifically looking at and investigating the word ‘specificity’ or ‘being specific’. The importance of specificity is something that I learned only when I started to getting involved with Desteni. Before that I had never considered how important it is to be specific, and even in situations where I knew that I was compromising myself, another or a particular situation by not being specific I justified not applying myself in specificity. Through walking with Desteni I have come to appreciate and see the value of applying specificity, both in my daily practical life, in my support of others as well as in my own process.

So the person that I wrote about in the previous post that I have looked up to, was probably the first one who showed me how enjoyable being specific can be and how one can make one’s life and thus oneself in it more appreciated through applying specificity. Until then I had heard about the importance of being specific in relation to writing and self-forgiveness – and it was something I dreaded. I would literally fear and resist going into specificity in my writings and the way I manipulated myself into justifying that in my mind was by creating an experience of it being ‘tedious’, ‘boring’ and ‘unnecessary’ to be specific.

Since then I have learned how awesome it is when you are specific about what you do. It can be anything from writing an email to folding my laundry or having to explain something to someone. I’ve also seen the consequences that can unfold when one is not specific, when one takes shortcuts or make assumptions or slack. Through walking with Desteni and understanding the importance of specificity, I have also learned that the more responsibility we are able to take on in ourselves, in accordance with the expansion of our self-honesty and understanding of the mind and who we are in relation to it, the more important it becomes to be specific. Even seemingly ‘little things’ like the way we move our eyes or the words we use can have tremendous effects on ourselves or other people. In chaos theory, this is described as the ‘butterfly effect’ where small actions in one part of the world, like a butterfly spreading its wings, can potentially set off landslides in another part of the world. This is due to the interconnectedness of all things where, whatever we do has an impact on the whole – even if we don’t see the immediate connections. That is why it is so important to be specific in what we do.

I have been rather satisfied with the development of specificity in my process, because it is something I have been very aware of, for example in relation to not ‘cutting corners’ or taking ‘shortcuts’ when cleaning. Previously I would make justifications and for instance leave a part of my cleaning for another time or not do it properly, thinking, “It doesn’t matter if I do it properly…”. I have discovered the satisfaction and sense of completion that comes with doing things properly and making sure I direct them to the fullest of my abilities. This can then also be directly translated to who we are in process and in our relationship with the mind, because for example leaving a corner of the house dirty is an act of self-compromise, sabotage and essentially self-abuse through justification – where we don’t direct ourselves to the utmost of our abilities.

When I look at the person whom I have looked up, I see that this person has lived the word ‘specificity’ within the expression of being ‘specific’ absolutely. Living like that creates a clear, practical and enjoyable living space, where no stone is left unturned. This is again something one can then transfer to how one walks one’s process – in doing the exact same in one’s writings and assignments or when applying self-forgiveness out loud. To me, there’s nothing more comfortable than having sorted out my space, carefully placing the items in a practical way for easy access and even finding creative ways to optimize my living space. I do however find, that I have not yet lived this word absolutely – which is also why it comes up as a projected potential that I see mirrored back to me in the person I look up to. Again, it’s not about a real person, but about what I mirror back to myself through observing them.

So I see that I have started developing specificity and I see that what I haven’t yet developed in that context is an absolute decision to be specific no matter what. So now that I am looking at it, I see that it’s not actually the word ‘specificity’ that I am working with here, but in fact the word ‘assiduous’. I looked up a bunch of different words to find one that describes what I see in the person I’ve looked up to when it comes to how she applies herself in specificity that I have not yet lived myself. Assiduous means “Constant in application or attention; diligent”. What I’ve seen in her is exactly that, being relentless in her specificity, uncompromising – meaning that being specific is not something she’s practicing doing or that she only does with certain points and allows herself to be selective; no, it has become part of her natural state of being, a constant pushing herself forward to be as specific – and within that as considerate, caring and responsible – as possible. I remember one time where we were relocating a plant from a pot and she explained to me how it is a traumatic experience for the plant to be yanked out of its pot. So she assisted me with how to carefully help the plant out of the pot without it being too traumatic for it or it getting injured. Or when making sauce and being specific about the process and the ingredients or in discussing a definition of a word in an email and whether that word will have the best outcome in terms of how it will be received. She has understood and has taken responsibility for being specific because she understands how, when she acts and moves, it affects others and so herself. ‘Assiduously specific’ is therefore what I will be working with developing and integrating into myself where being specific is not something selective that I can turn off and on or something that I am merely practicing and thereby allowing myself to cut corners – but instead a decided way of living that I take responsibility for, both in my personal process as well as in my interaction with others and with the world in general.

In the next post I will work with the dimensions of why and how I haven’t lived assiduousness in relation to specificity and from there direct myself to implement practical solutions from where I can integrate this expression into myself and my life.

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

 

Lost and Alone No More. DAY 330

November 23, 2014 in Anna's Journey to Life

49daydreaming dickens 1024x768 Lost and Alone No More. DAY 330This past week I’ve been fortunate enough to listen to several audio recordings where different people review their lives, the mistakes they’ve made throughout them but who also shares what they would have done differently if they had the chance to do it all over again.

In one recording titled Lost Your True Self – Life Review a woman shared her experiences with being very popular and attractive growing up and how that affected her in terms of building a ‘shell’ or a ‘mask’ as a personality that she imprisoned herself behind, only to realize years later that she had lost herself, that she had never allowed her true self to come forth.

I could definitely relate to what she shared. Growing up I had a lot of trouble getting friends. Looking back at it I see how it was actually a situation I created for myself by being overly aware or conscious about the entire ‘socializing’ thing, where it was like I was so conscious about it that I couldn’t engage in it in a natural way and instead desperately stood on the outside looking in wishing I could be part of it.

As a child I experienced having a few friends. We would play at school, I would go to their house or they would go to mine, but it was never comfortable or relaxed. I never felt like I could be myself, because I was always conscious about the importance of making friends.

I spent a lot of time by myself too and some of my favorite things to do by myself were reading, being in nature and being creative inventing or designing things in our basement where we had an entire woodshop available where I could build things. I went on long bike rides with myself or simply played in the garden.

I remember those moments as peaceful and enjoyable but at the time I didn’t value it as such. I believed that it was crucial for me to become good at making friends, having friends and being popular. And the worse I experienced myself at it, the more acutely aware I was of the entire social structure, the more awkward I became and the more difficult it was for me to actually make friends.

So the more I tried being part of other people’s world, the more I rejected my own, the more I devalued my own. Eventually I became so despearate that I would do anything to make friends. I believed that when I wasn’t good at it or if others didn’t want to be friends with me, it meant that there was something wrong with me and that I had to change. So I did.

When I started listening to music for example, my entire focus was on finding music I could listen to that others would think was cool. I didn’t give a moment’s consideration for what music I would truly enjoy listening to and I pretended that I didn’t like certain music even though I did if others said it was stupid or childish.

Eventually I actually got to a point where I had enough and where I wanted something more substantial in my life, I wanted to ‘find myself’. But instead of actually turning inward and asking myself who I am, I just tried finding new identities, new clothes and new music that stood in opposition and contrast to what I had lived before, believing that just because it was in opposition and rebellion, it was my ‘real true self’.

Throughout my childhood and teenage years I felt so alone, so isolated, so lonely and not understood by others. I felt like I had no one to talk to. Eventually when I was 19 I met what I at the time saw as my ’first true friend’. I had eventually learned to cope in social situations and had taught myself the skills necessary to ’pass as a normal human being’. Because previously I felt so alien that I literally thought I might actually be an alien. I saw everyone else being so comfortable and natural around each other and I just couldn’t do that, because my focus was on the very structure of the friendships and social situations themselves. I overanalyzed everything.

So when I finally learned how to act around other people it was a very strategic process of observing people and see how they act around each other, which characters and personalities people like to be around and how to be timed in when to say what.

During the next ten years I slowly but surely got more and more friends and I found myself finally able to be comfortable and natural in social situations to the point where I eventually got involved in a group of friends – something that I had never previously been able to do. I was overjoyed.

But it wasn’t real. I never found peace, no matter how many friends I gained or how popular I felt. I continued to compromise myself and do things that wasn’t true to me, I felt lost.

When I found Desteni I started working with these points, with my loneliness, with my desire to have friends, to belong in a group, with my fear of being alone – and most importantly I started working on my relationship with myself.

When I realized how extensively I had betrayed and compromised myself over the years, I cried – and I forgave myself. I started to develop a real relationship with myself and slowly but surely rebuild the integrity that I’d never really given myself the chance to live.

Being comfortable with myself is something I could have only hoped for in the past. I never even really knew what it meant to be comfortable with myself or to be with other people without pretending that I was someone that I was not. With Desteni I finally began being able to do so, as I walked through all the masks that I had created throughout my life. This continues to be a process, but everything I face myself in relation to friends or social relationships I have the tools to support myself to change. I have realized that I don’t have to be uncomfortable around others. I don’t have to push them away.

I started to embrace others and allow myself to get to know them, even people I would have never thought I’d have anything in common with, even people that I resisted or experienced dislike towards. And suddenly, for the first time in my life, other people started opening up to me, I started to get to know them for real, not just in the mundane and superficial social relationships that we’re so used to, but as real life beings with a world inside of them, with skills and expressions that were unique and different from everyone else.

This is something I would have not discovered without Desteni and without the daily support of the amazing audio recordings from Eqafe. If I could gift this to everyone I would. Throughout my life I’ve come to take the uncomfortability, the superficiality, the fakeness for granted. I’ve accepted it as normal to never really connect with anyone, let alone myself. I never knew that it was possible to be comfortable and at ease with yourself, to live without a constant yearning desire to be part of a group, but to instead engage with others unconditionally and in equality. But it is. And if I can do it, so can you. You don’t have to be lost and alone. You don’t have to fake your way through life to make friends. You can be here and Live and be comfortable, not only with yourself but with others to. You can get to know them as you’re getting to know yourself and we can finally open ourselves to each other and to ourselves without having to be afraid or feel desperate to connect. Because we realize that we’re already here, we’re already one, we’re already equal. We simply have to start live it and be it until it becomes the truth of who we are.

Other interviews relevant in relation to the points I’ve been talking about here

Why Do I Feel Left Out?

Waiting for Life to Happen – Reptilians – Part 346

Surrounded by Loved Ones – Yet Still Being Alone – Life Review

Investigate Desteni, investigate the forum where on is invited to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses as well as the FREE DIP Lite course

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